Once in a Lifetime - part 3/5
Headers, warnings, etc. in part 0/5
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I stirred in my meditative state, and considered breaking the trance. I'd already gone past the memories I would need for Anakin's plan, but I'd never actively tried to remember any of what followed our bonding night. Something Anakin had said earlier was true, damn him; I needed to work through this.
But it was quite difficult to think back on what happened next. Of course the memories themselves were painful, but it was literally difficult to remember details, and I couldn't do it casually. Which meant I hadn't done it in fifteen years.
I was suffering, I learned later, from mental shock. The bond had indeed formed, but badly. Lopsided wasn't normally a term I would apply to one of the pinnacles of Jedi achievement, but there it was. Qui-Gon had already imposed himself in my mind, but I hadn't finished bonding with him. The rending of our efforts by Qui-Gon had left me addled, but not affected him at all.
I settled again, and let the memories, such as they were, flow in.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When I woke up, Qui-Gon was there, sitting beside me on the bed. I felt confused, dizzy, disoriented. But Qui-Gon was there, so it was going to be all right.
"Obi-Wan, how are you feeling? I knocked for a long time..."
I nodded -- speech was too hard. He looked concerned and haggard. My Master should never look that way. I reached up to touch the frown lines between his knit brows and smiled at him.
"Obi-Wan, we need to talk about what happened and why -- I know you want an explanation."
Talk? Talking was hard. I sat up -- and promptly fell over on my side. Dizzy and giggling, but Qui-Gon still looked concerned. He didn't think it was funny. I tried to be more serious, and he reached out and helped me sit upright.
Oh, those hands! Warmth and love and home -- no matter where we were -- they were all in those hands. And now we would never be apart because...
There was a sudden flash of pain and I cried out and thrust my face into Qui-Gon's chest. Better, that felt better. Warm and smell good and I started nuzzling him with my mouth. Needed to be closer, needed...needed...
He was talking to me again, too much talking but then he took my head in his hands and made me look at him.
So stern and I was giggling and trying to kiss his fingers. Oh, yes, that was what would make things better. *Something* was wrong, but whatever the unease was, *that* would make it better and I just needed to get closer and rub against him. Yes, that felt better but now he was moving away, and it got cold and...
"Obi-Wan!"
Concentrate. I tried to speak again, it was important to Master, but I couldn't and I shook my head. I can't, Master.
I must have done a bad thing because he let go of me and buried his head in those hands that had touched me.
Master, so sad, don't be sad. We're together! I started petting his head and that lovely long hair. So pretty.
He looked up and I smiled. See, everything is fine. Good and warm, then he laid me back on the bed and stroked my face and said something that made me yawn and then I was sleepy.
I'll close my eyes -- but just for a minute. Only a minute because Master is sad and I need to stroke him and make him happy.
I slept.
* * *
When I woke I was myself again, and alone in a dark room. The Field wing room. I lay still for a minute, wanting to orient myself. What had happened?
Then it all hit me and I sat up quickly only to cry out from a sharp pain that felt like I'd been lightsabered through my right eye. Breathe deeply -- concentrate. Slowly, the pain receded to a more tolerable level and I was able to stand.
I was no longer disoriented but I did feel...empty. The bond. We'd not completed the bonding! Xanatos! Pain...
Calm, calm, I calmed myself as I'd been taught and tried to look at the situation objectively. I badly needed to understand what had happened, but instinctively realized there was danger in actually doing so just now. So I mentally treated the situation like a crisis on a mission. Establish priorities and divorce yourself from feelings so overwhelming they could cripple you and get you killed.
I reviewed what I knew. Qui-Gon and I had begun a lifebonding process. I'd either gone farther than he, or I was more inexperienced and susceptible to the bond than Qui-Gon. Probably both, because Qui-Gon seemed functional, while I obviously was not.
I'd discovered Xanatos was alive. I had to shut my eyes against the pain, the disorientation, against the gibbering maelstrom it would be so easy to let wash over me.
Calm. Think.
Qui-Gon had broken the bonding -- obviously at a crucial time for me -- because I tried to discern Xanatos' physical location.
Qui-Gon. He'd tried to explain earlier. I checked a nearby chrono -- nearly a full day had passed. He'd been here before. Where was he?
Just realizing how much time had passed made me aware of my body's needs. I'd coaxed the pain to a tolerable level, and was able to stagger to the 'fresher, still clothed only in my robe.
I made short work of the facilities, then made my way the room's small, but well-stocked kitchen area.
Qui-Gon had always dwarfed the kitchen in our quarters... Stop. Stop. Assess the situation. Think, don't feel.
I wolfed down a protein bar, then promptly staggered back to the 'fresher and threw it back up.
All right, there were more aftereffects than I'd realized.
I started again -- slowly -- with some juice, and while it didn't settle well, it didn't reappear.
With my basic physical needs met, I examined the problem again. I considered simply comming Qui-Gon, and the thought of talking to him, seeing him, touching him almost overwhelmed me, but I maintained a kind of control. I wanted to understand more about what had happened. Perhaps he'd left me a message. I sat myself in front of the comm unit.
Yes. I reached out to activate the message, and my hands were only slightly shaking.
Any slight semblance of calm I'd gained was lost as Qui-Gon's hologram filled the small projector's surface.
* * *
"Obi-Wan..."
The image paused. It was not characteristic of my Master to be at a loss for words.
"You deserve an explanation for what has happened." He paused again, introspective, then started in a less formal tone.
"I loved Xanatos. For years after his death, I mourned him. Wondered what I might have changed in order to help him. We never shared more than a Master-Apprentice bond, but I planned to approach him after his Knighting.
"After he turned, I saw no one, was *with* no one. I know I've told you this before -- and I'm not sure you want to hear it now -- but you allowed me to *feel* again. I'll always be grateful to you for that. As you grew up, I grew to realize how beautiful you were, and, Force help me, I desired you.
"I thought to myself, if he ever feels the same about me, I will act on it. I'll not lose another opportunity. When you did, I was happy. I thought -- this is hard to say, my Padawan -- I thought I could begin again. That because you'd helped me enjoy life again, I could learn to be in love with you.
"But knowing Xanatos is alive, I cannot bond with you. I realize now..." He stammered, then started again. "I realize I was fooling myself. And knowing how you feel about me, it is not fair for me to be with you again in that way. Even it were, *I* couldn't. Not now.
"I hope, very deeply, that we can keep our friendship. I leave that up to you, and will abide by your wishes.
"You're probably wondering where I am. I'm sorry it was necessary to issue a Force suggestion to sleep, but you were not rational when we last spoke, and I knew you needed rest.
"I'm securing other quarters for Anakin and myself. Our rooms are yours for as long as you want them -- I've transferred them to you.
Ani is still staying with Plo Koon -- he's made friends with Plo's young Padawan."
Qui-Gon's image stopped. He glanced away from the holorecorder and towards his feet. I paused the recording for a few seconds to brace myself and then continued.
"I placed myself on the Field Knight duty roster again, requested an immediate mission, and was granted one about an hour ago. They know not to give me anything too dangerous or long-term with Anakin still not up to an Initiate's level training.
"I...exaggerated the amount of time it will take me to finish this mission, Obi-Wan. I already have my contacts in several systems looking for Xanatos, and I plan to take a day or two after completing the mission to search, should those contacts provide any leads.
"Obi-Wan..." He sighed deeply, and those eyes bored through the holorecorder and into me. "I tell you this because you would suspect, and probably work it out anyway. I ask that you not go to the Council with the information that I will be questing for him. They wouldn't understand. If you will allow me this, I would be grateful." His voice had dropped to a whisper. He looked as if he would speak again, but only shook his head slightly and reached towards me to stop the recording. The image crackled and disappeared.
Let no one say that Qui-Gon hesitates when making decisions and implementing them.
So that was it? He'd cast me out of his life and left me his quarters? He'd apologized to me, bade me not disclose his secret quest, and was off with a new Padawan to look for his old one?
Suddenly the answer became clear, and I chided myself for ever doubting him. Qui-Gon *was* suffering from the incomplete bonding. While I experienced pain, Qui-Gon had become delusional.
It was time to act. I knew my Master loved me, and it was up to me to rescue him, to get him to the Healers. Then the universe would make sense again, and everything would be fine.
My heart was thumping as I checked the duty roster. Qui-Gon's transport wasn't set to leave for another hour, and I breathed my relief. I quickly found the location of the quarters he'd chosen for Anakin and himself, and went to our old quarters to pack.
* * *
"I'm coming with you."
Qui-Gon had whirled, quite gracefully actually, and faced me where I stood inside the doorway he'd not bothered to lock. I set my travel bag on the floor just as Anakin walked into the sitting area, struggling with a pack that looked impossibly large for him.
"Master, should I take the spanner tool set AND the hyperdrive wrenches?" He stopped and smiled when he saw me. "Hello, Master Obi-Wan!"
"Hello, Anakin."
"Are you coming with us? That would be wizard!"
"Ani," cut in Qui-Gon, "you needn't pack any tools. We'll only be gone for a short time. Would you excuse Obi-Wan and me for a few minutes?"
His tone was kindly, even indulgent, but Anakin was as quick as I to pick up on Qui-Gon's suddenly darker mood. My smile faded, but my determination did not.
I would see him through this quest, and then we could pick up where we left off. My right temple chose that moment to start throbbing.
Ani looked confused, but dragged his heavy pack back into his room.
Qui-Gon turned to face me with a look of exasperation and sadness.
"Obi-Wan... what are you doing here?"
I stepped forward. "I told you, I'm going with you. If this is something you need to do -- *have* to do, then I'll see it through with you."
"You don't understand," he sighed.
"I think I do!" I finally raised my voice in frustration. "You haven't moved past the guilt, Qui-Gon. But you'll see, when we finally catch up to him that there's nothing for you to feel guilty for."
I paused. "I *love* you, Qui-Gon Jinn, and I'll not give up this easily. Not to *him*."
"You hate him, don't you?" he asked quietly.
I had to laugh then, even though it ratcheted up the pain. "No. I have reason to; he tried to kill us on more than one occasion, but no. I've released that anger."
"Then release me."
I shook my head, but stopped, because the motion made me dizzy. I had all I needed to assuage that pain in this room... It was my turn to say, "You don't understand."
"Oh, but I do," he shot back. "You don't think my love for him has value, because he's strayed from the path of Light. You think I owe you, and maybe I do, but that debt will have to stay unpaid."
He began to pace. I wanted to scream, shout, shake him, but my feet were rooted to the floor and my throat was tight.
"Obi-Wan, don't you see? Our bonding was based on a falsehood. I didn't know the man I loved wasn't dead. It's tragic, but you are young. You will move on. You'll meet someone and wonder why you ever bothered with your old Master."
He stopped in front of me. "I care for you deeply, Obi-Wan. I always will. You're talented and vibrant. I told myself that should be enough. If my handsome Padawan-turned-Knight wanted to bond with me, then why should I refuse him?
"But you *know* what Xanatos means to me. I love him. I can't abandon him."
He spoke simply and forcefully, and I could see that he'd justified everything to himself. He really believed his love and determination could redeem Xanatos. And that I would look back on this episode of my life and chuckle as I told the tale to my new love. I wanted to tell him how much I was hurting, but I was afraid. Afraid that there was a way for the healers to undo even this sorry, fragile connection to him, and then I'd be left with nothing, not even pain.
I finally found my voice. "You may not owe me, Qui-Gon, but let me join you anyhow. Just until you find him and..." I had to word this carefully. "Until you find out for sure what mental state he is in now. It may not be safe for Anakin."
His eyes blazed at that, and I knew then that my earlier optimism was born of desperation. It was all lost, though I hadn't accepted it until just that moment.
"I can take care of my own Padawan, Obi-Wan."
Like you took care of me when Xanatos threatened us, I thought? Only by working together *against* him did we both survive, and I was further along in my training than Anakin. Ani didn't even have a lightsaber...
"Qui-Gon, surely you see that Anakin will be in danger," I persisted. Qui-Gon's eyes had narrowed to slits and it seemed that he was holding himself still only by willpower.
"You're stealing time for this...quest from your mission without telling the Temple coordinators or the Council. If something happens, they won't know where you are to help you..."
"You should leave now." His voice was low and dangerous.
No. He was my lover. We were pledged to each other. He'd kissed me openly in the Temple. I was going to help him through this and then everything would be all right. Maybe I shook my head, but I didn't budge.
He came to me then, glowering above me, and it was all I could do not to launch myself at him. The bond screamed at me to touch him... I looked at his eyes, beautiful even in anger. I could see the few loose strands of his hair that never seemed to stay pulled back. I could smell him.
"Don't..." I stammered.
His face softened, and he raised one hand out to me, like he was going to touch my face, and I leaned in. He caught himself before he touched me, stood back and wrapped his cloak around himself.
"Go now, Obi-Wan. You are a Jedi Knight. It's time for you to pursue your own path."
I was ready to play the last sabacc card I had. I was about to remind him he'd told me he loved me -- *ME* -- in a desperate, schoolboy, accusatory style. My mind, racing fast despite my body's sluggishness, cast about for an example. Any time when he had declared his romantic love.
And there was none.
He'd never told me he loved me. Not in words, I thought, but surely in thought -- through our bond.
No. Affection and happiness? Yes. Love and joy...no.
Oh, Force, he'd settled for me when the loneliness had become too much. I'd been a second choice all along and I'd never even realized it.
I opened my mouth to scream at him, to curse him, to say anything, but nothing came out. Then I was kneeling on the floor with my hands on my temples, trying to will away the new, stabbing pain.
I felt his arm on my shoulder. "Obi-Wan, what's wrong?"
I snarled and stood up and backed away from him.
"Don't touch me! Don't you dare *touch* me!"
The door to Anakin's room flew open and he trotted out. "Master Obi-Wan?"
I fumbled for my travel bag, my eyes never leaving Qui-Gon's face with its startled expression. I found the bag and backed out the door, and out of his life.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TBC...
Headers, warnings, etc. in part 0/5
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I stirred in my meditative state, and considered breaking the trance. I'd already gone past the memories I would need for Anakin's plan, but I'd never actively tried to remember any of what followed our bonding night. Something Anakin had said earlier was true, damn him; I needed to work through this.
But it was quite difficult to think back on what happened next. Of course the memories themselves were painful, but it was literally difficult to remember details, and I couldn't do it casually. Which meant I hadn't done it in fifteen years.
I was suffering, I learned later, from mental shock. The bond had indeed formed, but badly. Lopsided wasn't normally a term I would apply to one of the pinnacles of Jedi achievement, but there it was. Qui-Gon had already imposed himself in my mind, but I hadn't finished bonding with him. The rending of our efforts by Qui-Gon had left me addled, but not affected him at all.
I settled again, and let the memories, such as they were, flow in.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When I woke up, Qui-Gon was there, sitting beside me on the bed. I felt confused, dizzy, disoriented. But Qui-Gon was there, so it was going to be all right.
"Obi-Wan, how are you feeling? I knocked for a long time..."
I nodded -- speech was too hard. He looked concerned and haggard. My Master should never look that way. I reached up to touch the frown lines between his knit brows and smiled at him.
"Obi-Wan, we need to talk about what happened and why -- I know you want an explanation."
Talk? Talking was hard. I sat up -- and promptly fell over on my side. Dizzy and giggling, but Qui-Gon still looked concerned. He didn't think it was funny. I tried to be more serious, and he reached out and helped me sit upright.
Oh, those hands! Warmth and love and home -- no matter where we were -- they were all in those hands. And now we would never be apart because...
There was a sudden flash of pain and I cried out and thrust my face into Qui-Gon's chest. Better, that felt better. Warm and smell good and I started nuzzling him with my mouth. Needed to be closer, needed...needed...
He was talking to me again, too much talking but then he took my head in his hands and made me look at him.
So stern and I was giggling and trying to kiss his fingers. Oh, yes, that was what would make things better. *Something* was wrong, but whatever the unease was, *that* would make it better and I just needed to get closer and rub against him. Yes, that felt better but now he was moving away, and it got cold and...
"Obi-Wan!"
Concentrate. I tried to speak again, it was important to Master, but I couldn't and I shook my head. I can't, Master.
I must have done a bad thing because he let go of me and buried his head in those hands that had touched me.
Master, so sad, don't be sad. We're together! I started petting his head and that lovely long hair. So pretty.
He looked up and I smiled. See, everything is fine. Good and warm, then he laid me back on the bed and stroked my face and said something that made me yawn and then I was sleepy.
I'll close my eyes -- but just for a minute. Only a minute because Master is sad and I need to stroke him and make him happy.
I slept.
* * *
When I woke I was myself again, and alone in a dark room. The Field wing room. I lay still for a minute, wanting to orient myself. What had happened?
Then it all hit me and I sat up quickly only to cry out from a sharp pain that felt like I'd been lightsabered through my right eye. Breathe deeply -- concentrate. Slowly, the pain receded to a more tolerable level and I was able to stand.
I was no longer disoriented but I did feel...empty. The bond. We'd not completed the bonding! Xanatos! Pain...
Calm, calm, I calmed myself as I'd been taught and tried to look at the situation objectively. I badly needed to understand what had happened, but instinctively realized there was danger in actually doing so just now. So I mentally treated the situation like a crisis on a mission. Establish priorities and divorce yourself from feelings so overwhelming they could cripple you and get you killed.
I reviewed what I knew. Qui-Gon and I had begun a lifebonding process. I'd either gone farther than he, or I was more inexperienced and susceptible to the bond than Qui-Gon. Probably both, because Qui-Gon seemed functional, while I obviously was not.
I'd discovered Xanatos was alive. I had to shut my eyes against the pain, the disorientation, against the gibbering maelstrom it would be so easy to let wash over me.
Calm. Think.
Qui-Gon had broken the bonding -- obviously at a crucial time for me -- because I tried to discern Xanatos' physical location.
Qui-Gon. He'd tried to explain earlier. I checked a nearby chrono -- nearly a full day had passed. He'd been here before. Where was he?
Just realizing how much time had passed made me aware of my body's needs. I'd coaxed the pain to a tolerable level, and was able to stagger to the 'fresher, still clothed only in my robe.
I made short work of the facilities, then made my way the room's small, but well-stocked kitchen area.
Qui-Gon had always dwarfed the kitchen in our quarters... Stop. Stop. Assess the situation. Think, don't feel.
I wolfed down a protein bar, then promptly staggered back to the 'fresher and threw it back up.
All right, there were more aftereffects than I'd realized.
I started again -- slowly -- with some juice, and while it didn't settle well, it didn't reappear.
With my basic physical needs met, I examined the problem again. I considered simply comming Qui-Gon, and the thought of talking to him, seeing him, touching him almost overwhelmed me, but I maintained a kind of control. I wanted to understand more about what had happened. Perhaps he'd left me a message. I sat myself in front of the comm unit.
Yes. I reached out to activate the message, and my hands were only slightly shaking.
Any slight semblance of calm I'd gained was lost as Qui-Gon's hologram filled the small projector's surface.
* * *
"Obi-Wan..."
The image paused. It was not characteristic of my Master to be at a loss for words.
"You deserve an explanation for what has happened." He paused again, introspective, then started in a less formal tone.
"I loved Xanatos. For years after his death, I mourned him. Wondered what I might have changed in order to help him. We never shared more than a Master-Apprentice bond, but I planned to approach him after his Knighting.
"After he turned, I saw no one, was *with* no one. I know I've told you this before -- and I'm not sure you want to hear it now -- but you allowed me to *feel* again. I'll always be grateful to you for that. As you grew up, I grew to realize how beautiful you were, and, Force help me, I desired you.
"I thought to myself, if he ever feels the same about me, I will act on it. I'll not lose another opportunity. When you did, I was happy. I thought -- this is hard to say, my Padawan -- I thought I could begin again. That because you'd helped me enjoy life again, I could learn to be in love with you.
"But knowing Xanatos is alive, I cannot bond with you. I realize now..." He stammered, then started again. "I realize I was fooling myself. And knowing how you feel about me, it is not fair for me to be with you again in that way. Even it were, *I* couldn't. Not now.
"I hope, very deeply, that we can keep our friendship. I leave that up to you, and will abide by your wishes.
"You're probably wondering where I am. I'm sorry it was necessary to issue a Force suggestion to sleep, but you were not rational when we last spoke, and I knew you needed rest.
"I'm securing other quarters for Anakin and myself. Our rooms are yours for as long as you want them -- I've transferred them to you.
Ani is still staying with Plo Koon -- he's made friends with Plo's young Padawan."
Qui-Gon's image stopped. He glanced away from the holorecorder and towards his feet. I paused the recording for a few seconds to brace myself and then continued.
"I placed myself on the Field Knight duty roster again, requested an immediate mission, and was granted one about an hour ago. They know not to give me anything too dangerous or long-term with Anakin still not up to an Initiate's level training.
"I...exaggerated the amount of time it will take me to finish this mission, Obi-Wan. I already have my contacts in several systems looking for Xanatos, and I plan to take a day or two after completing the mission to search, should those contacts provide any leads.
"Obi-Wan..." He sighed deeply, and those eyes bored through the holorecorder and into me. "I tell you this because you would suspect, and probably work it out anyway. I ask that you not go to the Council with the information that I will be questing for him. They wouldn't understand. If you will allow me this, I would be grateful." His voice had dropped to a whisper. He looked as if he would speak again, but only shook his head slightly and reached towards me to stop the recording. The image crackled and disappeared.
Let no one say that Qui-Gon hesitates when making decisions and implementing them.
So that was it? He'd cast me out of his life and left me his quarters? He'd apologized to me, bade me not disclose his secret quest, and was off with a new Padawan to look for his old one?
Suddenly the answer became clear, and I chided myself for ever doubting him. Qui-Gon *was* suffering from the incomplete bonding. While I experienced pain, Qui-Gon had become delusional.
It was time to act. I knew my Master loved me, and it was up to me to rescue him, to get him to the Healers. Then the universe would make sense again, and everything would be fine.
My heart was thumping as I checked the duty roster. Qui-Gon's transport wasn't set to leave for another hour, and I breathed my relief. I quickly found the location of the quarters he'd chosen for Anakin and himself, and went to our old quarters to pack.
* * *
"I'm coming with you."
Qui-Gon had whirled, quite gracefully actually, and faced me where I stood inside the doorway he'd not bothered to lock. I set my travel bag on the floor just as Anakin walked into the sitting area, struggling with a pack that looked impossibly large for him.
"Master, should I take the spanner tool set AND the hyperdrive wrenches?" He stopped and smiled when he saw me. "Hello, Master Obi-Wan!"
"Hello, Anakin."
"Are you coming with us? That would be wizard!"
"Ani," cut in Qui-Gon, "you needn't pack any tools. We'll only be gone for a short time. Would you excuse Obi-Wan and me for a few minutes?"
His tone was kindly, even indulgent, but Anakin was as quick as I to pick up on Qui-Gon's suddenly darker mood. My smile faded, but my determination did not.
I would see him through this quest, and then we could pick up where we left off. My right temple chose that moment to start throbbing.
Ani looked confused, but dragged his heavy pack back into his room.
Qui-Gon turned to face me with a look of exasperation and sadness.
"Obi-Wan... what are you doing here?"
I stepped forward. "I told you, I'm going with you. If this is something you need to do -- *have* to do, then I'll see it through with you."
"You don't understand," he sighed.
"I think I do!" I finally raised my voice in frustration. "You haven't moved past the guilt, Qui-Gon. But you'll see, when we finally catch up to him that there's nothing for you to feel guilty for."
I paused. "I *love* you, Qui-Gon Jinn, and I'll not give up this easily. Not to *him*."
"You hate him, don't you?" he asked quietly.
I had to laugh then, even though it ratcheted up the pain. "No. I have reason to; he tried to kill us on more than one occasion, but no. I've released that anger."
"Then release me."
I shook my head, but stopped, because the motion made me dizzy. I had all I needed to assuage that pain in this room... It was my turn to say, "You don't understand."
"Oh, but I do," he shot back. "You don't think my love for him has value, because he's strayed from the path of Light. You think I owe you, and maybe I do, but that debt will have to stay unpaid."
He began to pace. I wanted to scream, shout, shake him, but my feet were rooted to the floor and my throat was tight.
"Obi-Wan, don't you see? Our bonding was based on a falsehood. I didn't know the man I loved wasn't dead. It's tragic, but you are young. You will move on. You'll meet someone and wonder why you ever bothered with your old Master."
He stopped in front of me. "I care for you deeply, Obi-Wan. I always will. You're talented and vibrant. I told myself that should be enough. If my handsome Padawan-turned-Knight wanted to bond with me, then why should I refuse him?
"But you *know* what Xanatos means to me. I love him. I can't abandon him."
He spoke simply and forcefully, and I could see that he'd justified everything to himself. He really believed his love and determination could redeem Xanatos. And that I would look back on this episode of my life and chuckle as I told the tale to my new love. I wanted to tell him how much I was hurting, but I was afraid. Afraid that there was a way for the healers to undo even this sorry, fragile connection to him, and then I'd be left with nothing, not even pain.
I finally found my voice. "You may not owe me, Qui-Gon, but let me join you anyhow. Just until you find him and..." I had to word this carefully. "Until you find out for sure what mental state he is in now. It may not be safe for Anakin."
His eyes blazed at that, and I knew then that my earlier optimism was born of desperation. It was all lost, though I hadn't accepted it until just that moment.
"I can take care of my own Padawan, Obi-Wan."
Like you took care of me when Xanatos threatened us, I thought? Only by working together *against* him did we both survive, and I was further along in my training than Anakin. Ani didn't even have a lightsaber...
"Qui-Gon, surely you see that Anakin will be in danger," I persisted. Qui-Gon's eyes had narrowed to slits and it seemed that he was holding himself still only by willpower.
"You're stealing time for this...quest from your mission without telling the Temple coordinators or the Council. If something happens, they won't know where you are to help you..."
"You should leave now." His voice was low and dangerous.
No. He was my lover. We were pledged to each other. He'd kissed me openly in the Temple. I was going to help him through this and then everything would be all right. Maybe I shook my head, but I didn't budge.
He came to me then, glowering above me, and it was all I could do not to launch myself at him. The bond screamed at me to touch him... I looked at his eyes, beautiful even in anger. I could see the few loose strands of his hair that never seemed to stay pulled back. I could smell him.
"Don't..." I stammered.
His face softened, and he raised one hand out to me, like he was going to touch my face, and I leaned in. He caught himself before he touched me, stood back and wrapped his cloak around himself.
"Go now, Obi-Wan. You are a Jedi Knight. It's time for you to pursue your own path."
I was ready to play the last sabacc card I had. I was about to remind him he'd told me he loved me -- *ME* -- in a desperate, schoolboy, accusatory style. My mind, racing fast despite my body's sluggishness, cast about for an example. Any time when he had declared his romantic love.
And there was none.
He'd never told me he loved me. Not in words, I thought, but surely in thought -- through our bond.
No. Affection and happiness? Yes. Love and joy...no.
Oh, Force, he'd settled for me when the loneliness had become too much. I'd been a second choice all along and I'd never even realized it.
I opened my mouth to scream at him, to curse him, to say anything, but nothing came out. Then I was kneeling on the floor with my hands on my temples, trying to will away the new, stabbing pain.
I felt his arm on my shoulder. "Obi-Wan, what's wrong?"
I snarled and stood up and backed away from him.
"Don't touch me! Don't you dare *touch* me!"
The door to Anakin's room flew open and he trotted out. "Master Obi-Wan?"
I fumbled for my travel bag, my eyes never leaving Qui-Gon's face with its startled expression. I found the bag and backed out the door, and out of his life.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
TBC...