A/N A satirical parody in the style of 'Frodo Baggins: Lord of His Own
Ring'. Well sort of. I don't normally write in this fandom, but I saw the
film and…well…please bear with me! This *isn't* intended to actually
follow the plot of any one film too closely…or at all… though it's AOTC
time period.
Note: No offence intended to actors/characters/George Lucas/anyone (except Jar-Jar. Screw him). Please review! Flames will be consigned to the fires of Mount Doom, where they will feel at home.
Note: This is bad. Truly, really bad. Bad, bad, bad. I'm truly sorry. May the Force forgive me.
Rated for language/crude insinuations.
Attack of the Shit Dialogue
Scrolling Caption:
'A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…and at cinemas near YOU!…there were some really cool groovy dudes called Jedi. And verily they were hard bastards, and did have big f-off swords called 'lightsabres' which are available at Woolworths for less than a tenner.
And verily George Lucas, known as The Lord God to a rapidly growing cult, did look upon the Jedi, his creation, and saw that they were good. He also saw the marketing potential, and lo, it was also good, and little dollar signs did appear in his eyes.
Thus was created the phenomenon known as STAR WARS, better when you see it on LSD, and for many years the People did follow George Lucas and bide by his word, lo, even when his sanity was forfeit in the creation of the evil one, Jar-Jar Binks.
Thus did George Lucas and his creation thrive - I beg your pardon, 'thrive, George Lucas and his creation did, hm?' - and throve to the extent that verily, a new movie was produced, and it was called 'Attack of the Clones', and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth at this, until the people did go to the local cinemas and perceived the totty on view, and verily there was then much drooling and rubbing of private parts.
"Yoda is badass." The People triumphant did cry, and lo, George Lucas was much pleased, and his wallet much expanded.
The saga continues…'
ACT 1: In which we see a flashback to THE PHANTOM MENACE
QUI-GON: (Dying) Gurgle…groan…train the boy!
Close up of PANADOL…I mean ANADIN…I mean ANAKIN looking innocent and googly- eyed.
OBI-WAN: Master! Noooooo! You can't die!
QUI-GON: Train…the boy…teach him…to act… for Force's sake…before the next movie…(Dies)
OBI-WAN: (Shaking him) Screw the boy! Where's my FIFTY QUID? Aw, damn.
Later - QUI-GON is being cremated.
QUI-GON: I'M NOT DEAD! I didn't disappear! I'M NOT DEAD! Get me out! Heeeelllpppp……
The other JEDI are oblivious.
ANAKIN: What will happen to me now?
OBI-WAN: Don't worry, Anakin…I am your master now. And not in a pervy S&M way either. You *will* be an actor …ah, I mean a Jedi.
ANAKIN: Wizard.
Scene 2. Present-day. Jedi Council. YODA sits on his floating tea-tray. MACE WINDU broods near the window.
YODA: Late, they are. Annoying, this is.
WINDU: Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?
YODA: Shaft, that would be.
Scene 3. Weirdy-beardy OBI-WAN and grown-up ANAKIN exit an ELEVATOR at top speed and race dramatically down the corridor, followed by twelve OTHER JEDI. Finally they stop, panting for breath.
OBI-WAN: Right…who farted?
But before anyone can reply, PADME arrives. ANAKIN walks directly into her.
ANAKIN: Oh, sorry…wooh! Mush! It's YOU! Do you remember me, Padme?
She looks at him blankly.
ANAKIN: It's me!
PADME: Annie?
ANAKIN: You remember me!
PADME: But you were a cute little girl with curly hair…
ANAKIN: What?
OBI-WAN: Stop gawking, Anakin. Jedi do not have relationships. And besides, you're going to become evil fairly soon. And she's bound to be a corpse by the next movie. So your love is doomed. Q.E.D.
ANAKIN: You're such a pessimist, master. I can dream…
Sickly music plays.
PADME: Wait! I do remember you…
The music swells romantically. ANAKIN goes googly-eyed.
PADME: You were that scruffy little sprog who kept making puppy eyes at me on that nasty dusty planet…
Music stops dead. ANAKIN droops, his heart broken.
ANAKIN: Right! You've rejected me, I'm going evil.
OBI-WAN: (sotto) Not yet.
ANAKIN: What? Why?
OBI-WAN: We can spin this out for another couple of movies. Marketing, Padawan, marketing. You have much to learn. Now start pretending to be a good guy.
ANAKIN: (Catching on) Yes, master. I love you, master.
OBI-WAN: (Frowning) Overkill.
They enter the council chambers.
YODA: Late, you are.
ANAKIN: Sorry.
OBI-WAN: (pointing at ANAKIN) It was his fault, Master Yoda. I *told* him to use the lavatory before we left, but would be listen? (To ANAKIN) You have much to learn, my young Padawan.
ANAKIN: We're five minutes into the movie and already I'm sick of you saying that.
YODA: Up, you will shut. Business to attend to, we have.
PADME: Hello?
YODA: This bint doing here, is what? Love story, this is not. Sci-fi, this is supposed to be.
OBI-WAN: If I may explain: Padme is required as a love interest because if she does not sleep with Panadol…I mean Anadin…I mean Anakin…
ANAKIN: She won't get pregnant…
PADME: And Luke Sykwalker will never exist…
OBI-WAN: Thus, the Jedi will be doomed, and more importantly, parts four through six of the series will become obsolete, and we'll never get to meet the Ewoks.
YODA: Then, up the duff, she must get.
RANDOM ALIEN JEDI: Just a minute…er…how do you know all this?
ALL: (Irritated) THROUGH THE FORCE!
RANDOM JEDI: So…you actually know everything that's going to happen in the end, already.
ALL: Yes! And so does the audience!
RANDOM JEDI: So…pardon me, but…what's the point?
A long, awkward silence.
WINDU: (Brightly) I have a purple lightsabre!
ALL EXCEPT YODA: (Falling to their knees) We are not worthy! We are not worthy!
Everyone looks at YODA.
YODA: Worthy, we are not!
RANDOM JEDI: Sorry, I can't just let this go. If we all know what's going to happen, how can we just carry on as if we had no idea about the future?
YODA: Pretend, we do. Makes life more interesting, it does.
PALPATINE: For example, I am not evil…I am in fact the founder of many worthy charities and manager of a large Jedi orphanage.
ANAKIN: Yes, and I'm on the side of the Light, and will settle down happily with Padme and have many beautiful children.
PADME: And I'll survive the next film!
OBI-WAN: And the name 'Ben' means absolutely nothing to me…
C3PO: (Randomly appearing) And I am not at all confused about my sexuality.
Note: No offence intended to actors/characters/George Lucas/anyone (except Jar-Jar. Screw him). Please review! Flames will be consigned to the fires of Mount Doom, where they will feel at home.
Note: This is bad. Truly, really bad. Bad, bad, bad. I'm truly sorry. May the Force forgive me.
Rated for language/crude insinuations.
Attack of the Shit Dialogue
Scrolling Caption:
'A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…and at cinemas near YOU!…there were some really cool groovy dudes called Jedi. And verily they were hard bastards, and did have big f-off swords called 'lightsabres' which are available at Woolworths for less than a tenner.
And verily George Lucas, known as The Lord God to a rapidly growing cult, did look upon the Jedi, his creation, and saw that they were good. He also saw the marketing potential, and lo, it was also good, and little dollar signs did appear in his eyes.
Thus was created the phenomenon known as STAR WARS, better when you see it on LSD, and for many years the People did follow George Lucas and bide by his word, lo, even when his sanity was forfeit in the creation of the evil one, Jar-Jar Binks.
Thus did George Lucas and his creation thrive - I beg your pardon, 'thrive, George Lucas and his creation did, hm?' - and throve to the extent that verily, a new movie was produced, and it was called 'Attack of the Clones', and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth at this, until the people did go to the local cinemas and perceived the totty on view, and verily there was then much drooling and rubbing of private parts.
"Yoda is badass." The People triumphant did cry, and lo, George Lucas was much pleased, and his wallet much expanded.
The saga continues…'
ACT 1: In which we see a flashback to THE PHANTOM MENACE
QUI-GON: (Dying) Gurgle…groan…train the boy!
Close up of PANADOL…I mean ANADIN…I mean ANAKIN looking innocent and googly- eyed.
OBI-WAN: Master! Noooooo! You can't die!
QUI-GON: Train…the boy…teach him…to act… for Force's sake…before the next movie…(Dies)
OBI-WAN: (Shaking him) Screw the boy! Where's my FIFTY QUID? Aw, damn.
Later - QUI-GON is being cremated.
QUI-GON: I'M NOT DEAD! I didn't disappear! I'M NOT DEAD! Get me out! Heeeelllpppp……
The other JEDI are oblivious.
ANAKIN: What will happen to me now?
OBI-WAN: Don't worry, Anakin…I am your master now. And not in a pervy S&M way either. You *will* be an actor …ah, I mean a Jedi.
ANAKIN: Wizard.
Scene 2. Present-day. Jedi Council. YODA sits on his floating tea-tray. MACE WINDU broods near the window.
YODA: Late, they are. Annoying, this is.
WINDU: Who's the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks?
YODA: Shaft, that would be.
Scene 3. Weirdy-beardy OBI-WAN and grown-up ANAKIN exit an ELEVATOR at top speed and race dramatically down the corridor, followed by twelve OTHER JEDI. Finally they stop, panting for breath.
OBI-WAN: Right…who farted?
But before anyone can reply, PADME arrives. ANAKIN walks directly into her.
ANAKIN: Oh, sorry…wooh! Mush! It's YOU! Do you remember me, Padme?
She looks at him blankly.
ANAKIN: It's me!
PADME: Annie?
ANAKIN: You remember me!
PADME: But you were a cute little girl with curly hair…
ANAKIN: What?
OBI-WAN: Stop gawking, Anakin. Jedi do not have relationships. And besides, you're going to become evil fairly soon. And she's bound to be a corpse by the next movie. So your love is doomed. Q.E.D.
ANAKIN: You're such a pessimist, master. I can dream…
Sickly music plays.
PADME: Wait! I do remember you…
The music swells romantically. ANAKIN goes googly-eyed.
PADME: You were that scruffy little sprog who kept making puppy eyes at me on that nasty dusty planet…
Music stops dead. ANAKIN droops, his heart broken.
ANAKIN: Right! You've rejected me, I'm going evil.
OBI-WAN: (sotto) Not yet.
ANAKIN: What? Why?
OBI-WAN: We can spin this out for another couple of movies. Marketing, Padawan, marketing. You have much to learn. Now start pretending to be a good guy.
ANAKIN: (Catching on) Yes, master. I love you, master.
OBI-WAN: (Frowning) Overkill.
They enter the council chambers.
YODA: Late, you are.
ANAKIN: Sorry.
OBI-WAN: (pointing at ANAKIN) It was his fault, Master Yoda. I *told* him to use the lavatory before we left, but would be listen? (To ANAKIN) You have much to learn, my young Padawan.
ANAKIN: We're five minutes into the movie and already I'm sick of you saying that.
YODA: Up, you will shut. Business to attend to, we have.
PADME: Hello?
YODA: This bint doing here, is what? Love story, this is not. Sci-fi, this is supposed to be.
OBI-WAN: If I may explain: Padme is required as a love interest because if she does not sleep with Panadol…I mean Anadin…I mean Anakin…
ANAKIN: She won't get pregnant…
PADME: And Luke Sykwalker will never exist…
OBI-WAN: Thus, the Jedi will be doomed, and more importantly, parts four through six of the series will become obsolete, and we'll never get to meet the Ewoks.
YODA: Then, up the duff, she must get.
RANDOM ALIEN JEDI: Just a minute…er…how do you know all this?
ALL: (Irritated) THROUGH THE FORCE!
RANDOM JEDI: So…you actually know everything that's going to happen in the end, already.
ALL: Yes! And so does the audience!
RANDOM JEDI: So…pardon me, but…what's the point?
A long, awkward silence.
WINDU: (Brightly) I have a purple lightsabre!
ALL EXCEPT YODA: (Falling to their knees) We are not worthy! We are not worthy!
Everyone looks at YODA.
YODA: Worthy, we are not!
RANDOM JEDI: Sorry, I can't just let this go. If we all know what's going to happen, how can we just carry on as if we had no idea about the future?
YODA: Pretend, we do. Makes life more interesting, it does.
PALPATINE: For example, I am not evil…I am in fact the founder of many worthy charities and manager of a large Jedi orphanage.
ANAKIN: Yes, and I'm on the side of the Light, and will settle down happily with Padme and have many beautiful children.
PADME: And I'll survive the next film!
OBI-WAN: And the name 'Ben' means absolutely nothing to me…
C3PO: (Randomly appearing) And I am not at all confused about my sexuality.