Notes, disclaimers, etc.: you've progressed thus far so you must know that no, I'm not genius enough to come up with these lovely characters all by myself. **sigh** okay. so. this chapter is lovely and long, and though I like the content I don't like how I wrote it, but oh well. Thank you oh so much, everyone who has reviewed, I love you dearly. About the beta reader thing, I will get around to emailing everyone who has volunteered, and thankyou for volunteering! I am still in need, I just forget to email ya'll.
So this chapter contains: twincest, slash, angst!twins, Lee, Katie, sex (but no lemon, sorry, I just can't write smut, I'm bad at it) and um.. yeah.
Chapter 11: Take the Pain Away
"Where's Lee?" Katie asked, sitting down next to him.
He cracked one eye open. "It's Fred Friday." He said, forcing a smile so fake it hurt. "He's trying to be fair. You know. He doesn't want to 'choose sides.'" He shrugged.
"Um…" Katie hesitated, biting her lower lip. He closed his eyes again and waited for her to continue. It took a moment for him to realize she wasn't going to.
"What happened between us?" He prompted, shifting on the lush green grass. It was sunny for once and the whole of Hogwarts was taking advantage of the warmth and light. "Not sure. We just kind of… I don't know. Separated. Stopped being… the twins. And started being George and Fred."
She frowned at him. "George… You already were 'George and Fred.' You always had your own identities. Don't feed me the cock-and-bull story you've been feeding everyone else." She paused then added, "The story you've been feeding yourself, too."
His eyes snapped open. He was tired of answering questions- he was tired of missing his goddamned twin. They had been inseperable, they had been a single entity to every student in Hogwarts and it seemed the entire bloody school wanted to know what had happened between them. Fuck me if I know what the hell is up his arse. George thought bitterly. Directing his glare to Katie he said, slowly, "Have you ever been been so close to someone that you thought that they were just an extension of yourself? Or you were just an extension of them? Do you know what it's like to lose that?"
He got to his feet, brushing the dirt off his robes. "I am so bloody sick of being reminded that he doesn't care about me anymore, Katie."
They were drunk. No; Fred was drunk. Fred was very, very drunk. And Lee was not.
Fred, Lee found out, was one of those pitiful drunks- the ones that had to drink themselves into oblivion before they would let themselves cry.
"I didn't mean to." Fred cried, tears dripping down his pale face. "I didn't want to. He's just like me. For Christ' sake, he almost is me. He's my twin, Lee. He's my fucking twin and I'm in love with him."
Lee patted Fred's shoulder and frowned uncomfortably. He had no idea how to deal with this, how to comfort Fred and soothe George, how to reconcile the twins without breaking both their hearts in the same moment.
"Have you ever thought of… telling him?" Lee asked tentatively.
Fred slumped against the same tree George had been leaning on a few hours ago. "Telling him?" His voice cracked and his words were slurred. "Well, gee whiz, Lee, that's brilliant. What would I say to him, do you think? 'Hey George, ol' buddy, ol' pal, brother of mine, fancy a fuck?'"
Lee shrugged. "Well it's better than moping around and being pathetically and utterly alone."
Fred raised his eyebrows. "Oh, telling your twin you love him, getting the shit beat of you, then moping around and being completely, totally, and inconsolably alone is much better than just being pathetically alone, I agree."
"He wouldn't hit you."
"Yes, he would."
"Fred-" Lee said in exasperation, then rolled his eyes and was quiet.
Fred drank a little more, and looked at Lee out of the corner of his eye. "Are you bi, Lee?" He asked.
Lee looked at him blankly. "And this relates to previous conversation… how?"
It was Fred's turn to shrug, and he did, adding a rambling sort-of grin. "Just wondering."
"Uh huh." Lee said and rolled his eyes again. "You're drunk, Fred. Stop talking."
"I will when you answer my question."
Lee sighed. "Um. Okay. Sure. I'm bi. Most people are. Happy now? Are you going to shut up?"
Fred laughed and closed his eyes.
Lee watched the redhead for awhile, his forehead wrinkling in thought. He tugged on a dreadlock, wrapping it around his finger and gnawing on his lip in concentration.
"Lee?"
"Yeah, Fred?"
"Will you kiss me?"
George stared blankly at the fabric above his head. His fingers tapped his bedspread in a nervous, jarring rhythm. He checked the time again. One. Where the fuck were they? Why the fuck weren't they in bed?
He opened his curtains and glared around the empty room as if it could provide answers for him. "Fuckfuckfuck." He breathed, angrily.
He swung his legs over the edge of the bed and set them on the stone floor and stood up. Almost immediately he began hopping from foot to foot as he made his way towards the door, mumbling all the way, "it'sfuckingcoldit'sfuckingcoldit'sreallyfuckingcold."
The door slammed open with a satisfying noise and he hoped to God he'd woken someone up. Still cursing, he hopped down the stairs and made his way into an armchair in the common room. He grabbed the quilt off the back of the chair and wrapped it around himself.
George checked the time again.
Lee pulled away. "Fred, please don't do this." His hand was still on the nape of Fred's neck, his other still around Fred's waist. "This is wrong, this is bad, you don't love me and-"
"Lee, shut up." Fred ordered.
"But this is, it's not right, Fred, I shouldn't—you shouldn't—we shouldn't-"
"Lee, shut up." Fred repeated.
Lee shut up.
"Lee." Fred said calmly, and Lee noted with some confusion that Fred no longer sounded drunk. "Lee, look at me," He said, taking Lee's face between his hands. "I need this. Okay? Please understand. You don't know how much I hurt. You don't know- fuck." He closed his eyes. "Every fucking moment without him, knowing I could never have him, feels like dying. Oh God, I wish I would sometimes, just to get it over with." He opened his eyes again and Lee could almost feel the anguish radiating through his flesh, aching sweetly. "Please help me. Please take the pain away. Please just make it go away for a while. I can't live like this."
Why do I even care? George thought furiously, pacing in front of the embers of the fire, the quilt still wrapped around him. Why do I care if they're out late, if they're drunk, if they've been in a bar fight, if they're paying hookers to sleep with them, if they're breaking into stores? They don't care about me. Okay, so Lee does. But Fred's made it clear that he doesn't.
He realized he was chewing on his nails and ripped his hand out of his mouth. "Goddamn you." He snapped to no one in particular. "You ruined my life, you took away the only thing I really loved, you fucked it all up."
George collapsed in a chair. "Loved?" He asked the air despairingly. "I still do love him, god damnit!" He picked up a vase and hurled it at the wall.
It shattered and he sat staring mutely at it. He blinked and then realized what he'd done and groaned, "Bloody hell. I probably just woke the whole house."
He had his wand- he always had his wand- so he waved at it and mutter "Reparo."
He sat in silence for a while and then said loudly, "I hate you, Fred."
He opened the door to the Gryffindor bathroom. "Here," Fred said.
"Why here?" Lee asked in confusion.
"Well, we can't exactly go back to the dorms, can we?" Fred asked, raising his eyebrows and holding the door open for Lee.
"Oh." Lee said and stepped past the twin and into the bathroom. He rounded on Fred as he closed the door. "You're not drunk, are you." He stated.
Fred shrugged. "No." He said simply.
He rubbed his eyes tiredly. Three in the morning. And they were still out.
Or had they come in? Had he slept? He couldn't remember. Damnit. He'd left the common room; gone back to his room. He'd lain in bed and contemplated the design on his bedspread. Had he somehow fallen asleep?
He opened the curtains and saw that no, they had not come back, and yes, their beds were still empty and unslept in. So it didn't matter whether he had slept or not. They had not come in.
Fuck. He'd wasted enough of the night as it is. No use trying to get sleep- it would only make him even more tired when he had to get up. He flung himself off the mattress again and headed towards the door, alternately cursing his twin and the cold.
He headed to the Gryffindor bathroom, still mumbling under his breath. He opened the heavy wooden door and stepped inside, walking to the sinks and splashing cold water on his face.
He turned off the water and raised his head, staring into the mirror, the water running off his jawbone.
Fred was in the room.
He knew it; he could feel it. He could sense his brother and had always been able to, and he'd thought Fred could feel him but-
He nearly choked. Lee.
He was listening to his brother have sex with Lee Jordan. In a shower stall. At three in the fucking morning and he was just standing there and just listening and he felt like he'd been fucking cursed and he couldn't move and he couldn't do anything about it and he wanted to scream and cry and run as fast as he bloody well could but he just stood there.
If he could feel his brother why the fuck couldn't Fred feel him, why didn't Fred know he was here, why didn't he stop, God, why didn't he just stop.
And then he was running, and stumbling, and flinging himself onto his bed, and refusing to let himself cry, and crying anyway.
Through the haze of lust and sex and pain he heard the door open and he knew who it was walking through the door. He had known it was going to happen but he nearly went into shock anyway because everything that had seemed so logical and sensible turned absolutely fucking wrong but he knew he couldn't stop.
He heard his brother hear him and felt his brother's heart stop and felt his stop with it and all he could think was, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry even though he didn't have anything to be sorry for.
Lee paused and tenderly wiped the hot tears of shame from his cheeks and he cried all the harder for it, because he was hurting Lee just as much as he was hurting George and he knew it and it was all his fault and if he'd only thought for one moment they wouldn't be in this situation and he loved his brother so much he couldn't breathe.
He heard the door slam behind his brother and came screaming the wrong name.e H