Notes, disclaimers, etc: I'm not going to go through the disclaimer crap again. It's the 20th chapter for god's sake. Anyhoo. I know this is taking me forever to write and I apologize. But last week was tech week and… *cries* I have no time at all. So anyway. Yeah.

This chapter contains: slash, allusions to rape and abuse, silk sheets and a conversation in a bed. Mea culpa means my fault or my blame or whatever. You know what I mean.

Chapter 20: Mea Culpa

        Draco is thinking of tomorrow night. Lying in bed with Harry maybe asleep beside him, he can picture the night at the mansion without even trying.

        Silence at the dinner table. Lucius' unspoken rage in the way he slammed his wine glass on the table. Cold silk sheets. Lucius' footsteps in the hallway. Lucius' shadow in the doorway.

        He announces to the air: "He won't touch me." But he knows it is a lie and can already feel the bruises forming.

        Harry rolls over. Not asleep after all. His fingers lightly brushing the scars on Draco's arms. "Stay." Harry says and it's obvious that he has never stopped thinking that word, has never let go of the idea.

        "I'll come back." He says, not sure who he is reassuring.

        "It doesn't matter." Now bringing Draco's forearms into the moonlight. As if to say: look what could happen. As if to say: look what he has done already.

        Yanking his arm away. Not trusting the gentle touch of his fingertips. "I'll come back." Draco says again, repeating it because he has nothing else to say.

        Harry presses a kiss to Draco's collarbone. "Will you?" He mumbles in Draco's ear.

        "I gave you that ring, didn't I?" But they both know what the ring meant.

        Draco is shaking now, from the cold and maybe something else. The sheets are warm with memories. Harry's breath is entrancing against his skin. He does not like to be so defenseless.

        "Go ahead and cry." Harry tells him.

        But Draco does not want to cry. He bites the inside of his cheek and says instead, "I don't have a choice. I don't have any choices at all." Harry does not reply so Draco forges on: "That's why I'm marrying her when we graduate. That's why I have to leave for the holidays. That's why I tried to kill myself…" But he hopes Harry is not listening.

        "You're not the only one who hurts." Harry says but what he is saying is that Draco's past is only a variation on the theme.

        And Draco knows this. And Draco doesn't care. "That doesn't make it hurt less." He tells Harry. "That doesn't make the blood stop flowing."

        "You're letting him win."

        "No. I simply defaulted when I was conceived."

        "You have a choice in everything you do. You just choose the easy way out and blame him."

        "I suppose you think I raped and beat myself."

        "Draco. He doesn't control your life anymore."

        Draco closes his eyes. "You're wrong, Harry. I know you don't understand but you're wrong. Now more than ever he controls me."

        They lie in silence for a while. Somehow Harry's hand finds Draco's.

        When Draco's tears do come they come with violence, his starved body shaking. Harry holds him close and kisses his tears away and revels in the taste of them.

        Through his tears, Draco is saying: "He was my father."