Disclaimer: The plot belongs to me. Everything else belongs to JK Rowling with many thanks.
Chapter Four: An Unwilling Confession
Remus was exhausted. Normally tired after his regular transformation, the previous night's events had utterly drained him.
"It almost killed her," he thought to himself in horror as he put on the clothes that he had left in a bundle behind a tree the previous morning. It never hurt to think ahead.
He had been lurking through the Forbidden Forest, feeling very nervous and edgy. He knew she was here and the thought made him feel anxious.
"How is she going to react when she sees me? Will she hate me?" his tortured thoughts were making him mad, not mindful of where he was going.
Then he had heard a voice calling Hermione…a strange voice. The voice kept calling her, urging her to come quickly. There was the stench of Dark Magic present that made his hackles rise. But, before he could do anything, she had appeared and, for the longest moment, he had been mesmorized.
She had grown…matured into a young woman. The child he had left behind over three years ago had been replaced by a woman…a woman who was as beautiful as he had remembered. His heart pounded painfully in his chest as her scent wafted over him…vanilla and strawberries.
He watched as she approached the figure and, when the figure turned around, he was startled to see who it was…and immediately knew she was in danger…mortal danger.
He was already hurtling towards them when the figure embraced her, kissed her and began to change into the monster that it was. As he got closer, he could see that Hermione was weakening dangerously. He lunged at the figure, breaking the contact and causing her to fall to the ground.
The monster began to wail in disappointment but Remus was beyond caring about anything. He was filled with a berzerker's rage and began slashing at the creature with his razor sharp claws…again and again, until the figure fell to the ground, utterly vanquished. It had barely put up a fight. Clearly, it was not the sort of creature used to a victim who mounted a struggle.
Breathing hard from the exertion, he walked over to where Hermione lay still and, for one awful moment, he thought he had been too late. He kneeled next to her and was relieved to see the slight rise and fall of her chest. She moved her head and saw the dead creature. Closing her eyes quickly, she bumped against his knee. Gingerly, he picked her up and held her close to his chest, gasping slightly as she nestled into his warmth.
She had thanked him for saving her. She was not afraid even though she clearly could not tell who or what he was. He allowed himself to nuzzle her forehead gently and she smiled faintly. She then lost consciousness again and he quickly brought her to the entrance of the infirmary, knocking loudly then disappearing before anyone could see him.
He had spent the rest of the night by the lake…thinking…remembering.
Mostly remembering.
He barely had the strength to stagger into his chamber, intent only on sleeping the entire day.
"Good morning, Remus," Severus Snape was standing by the window in his room, startling Remus.
"What are you doing here, Severus?" he asked, eyes watching him carefully.
"I have just come from the infirmary," Severus traced a finger idly along the frame of the window. He stopped and looked directly at Remus. "Did you know that Hermione Granger was attacked last night?"
Remus started violently. Severus pretended not to notice and continued.
"Apparently she had been talking with Minerva, chatting over a cup of tea when she suddenly fainted. When she regained consciousness, she assured Minerva that she was all right and told her that she would go for a walk in order to clear her head. She apparently was heading towards the lake when she heard a voice calling her, drawing her deep into the Forbidden Forest…where she was attacked."
"By what?" Remus asked shakily, making his way to his chair, and sitting down rather heavily.
"She was attacked by a succubus…vile things that take on the form of someone the person trusts and then kisses them, draining them of their life force until there is none left."
Remus' eyes widened in alarm.
"But…she…she is all right…isn't she?" he asked, fear gripping his heart.
Severus looked at him curiously. "Yes, she will be fine. A funny thing, this incident. She insists that there was another creature that saved her and brought her to the entrance of the infirmary. Given her condition, she was unable to remember what sort of creature it was but she was able to give a detailed description of one vital part."
"What was that?" Remus looked towards the empty fireplace.
Severus started walking deliberately towards him.
"She said the creature had warm amber coloured eyed. Very unusual, don't you agree? In fact, I can only think of one creature that has amber coloured eyes." Severus sat down on the chair next to Remus and suddenly looked less severe and much more compassionate. "Tell me what happened, Remus. I know it was you. It's time you told me everything."
Remus looked at him with tears in his eyes.
"She…she doesn't know that it was me, does she?" he asked in a small voice.
"No, no one else suspects anything…they think it is just a hallucination on her part. As if she could ever hallucinate something like that. I will not tell her. That is up to you. However, you have to tell me what happened the night of graduation."
Remus shifted in his chair uncomfortably.
"Tell me or I will be forced to administer Veritaserum," Severus said seriously.
Remus looked at him in horror.
"It…it happened the night she graduated…"
****Flashback******
The graduation ceremony had been lovely. Harry had asked Remus to attend and had refused to take no for an answer.
"You were one of the best professors I had here..you absolutely have to be here," the young man had argued. "Besides, since my Mom and Dad can't be here and neither can Sirius…well, not in his human form, I at least want you there…you're part of my family too."
Remus could not say no to that…especially given his memories of his own family. So he attended, despite huge misgivings.
Everyone was there…the Weasleys were overflowing with pride at Ron, who had been the Captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team for the past two years. Remus was happy to see that Ron's brothers (and sister) were willingly giving him his own moment in the limelight. He certainly deserved it.
Remus noticed that Harry was holding Ginny's hand and smiled somewhat sadly. Harry was growing up too…looking more and more like his father. Ironic that he would fall in love with someone who resembled Lily. There was a muggle saying that history repeated itself.
Looking around, he noticed Hermione for the first time and his heart began to beat more quickly. She was standing next to Ron, holding a goblet of pumpkin juice and just listening to the conversation of her friends…her mind clearly elsewhere.
"By the stars…she is easily the most beautiful woman here tonight," he thought to himself before he could stop himself.
She laughed at something that Fred Weasley said, but the laugh did not reach her eyes. Something was wrong. She was holding something back.
"I am sorry to have to call it a night but I have a lot to do tomorrow morning. It was lovely to see you all and we will chat tomorrow morning about summer arrangements," she said to her friends, hugging each of them briefly before heading out of the Great Hall. She passed by him so quickly, she didn't even notice he was there.
But she had not passed so quickly that he did not see the tears in her eyes.
Debating with himself for a few moments, Remus finally decided to follow her. He reasoned that she would most likely go to the Gryffindor common room and hurried there.
Hastily giving The Fat Lady the password Harry had told him, Remus quickly scrambled through the portrait door and found himself in the comfortable, familiar surroundings of the common room.
"It hasn't changed much," he thought to himself.
Remus quickly scanned the room and found Hermione, sitting with her head in her hands, in front of the empty fireplace. He approached her cautiously.
"Hermione?" he called quietly, not wishing to startle her.
She quickly looked up in surprise, trying to wipe away the evidence of her crying.
He sat down beside her. "I…I came by to make sure you were all right."
"I'm just fine," she snapped…and then relented, "I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean…"
"Don't fret about that," he patted her hand awkwardly, trying to ignore how smooth her skin was.
"Viktor," she breathed out the name quietly.
Ah yes. He remembered that Hermione and Viktor had been dating for quite some time. Becoming quite a serious relationship if the gossipmongers were correct.
"He's been having an affair with Fleur Delacour for over a year. Told me so tonight…by owl…that he is marrying her. Told me that my inability to land him a position here at Hogwarts was frustrating his career aspirations. Told me that he was not a high enough priority in my life…especially since I refused to transfer to Durmstrang. Told me all this on the night of my graduation. I haven't…I haven't been able to tell anyone…I feel so used…"
Hermione was weeping openly and Remus, without thinking, pulled her into a warm embrace in an effort to calm her. Her arms automatically went around him, face resting against his chest. He hoped she wouldn't think that his heart racing had anything to do with her being so close.
"He said that the only reason he stayed with me was…was…" she said in a strained voice, holding him slightly tighter.
"It is going to be all right, Hermione." Remus felt such cold hatred for someone who could treat her so callously. She deserved so much better.
"He said that I wasn't desirable…that I was cold to him." She mumbled into his chest.
"You know that is not true."
She looked up at him.
"How do I know that? Viktor has been the only person, over the past three years, to show some interest in me. It's not as if I expected Harry or Ron to drop at my feet. They are my friends…dear friends, but friends nonetheless. And now I find out that Viktor has been having a cozy relationship with Ms Delacour and has only kept me hanging on in the hopes getting a position at Hogwarts," she spat out hatefully.
Remus held her tightly, wishing he could ease her obvious pain.
"You are a special person," he murmured into her hair, trying to calm the not-so-innocent feelings coursing through his body.
"No one has ever said that to me," she whispered in a choked voice, "not even Viktor…"
He pulled away to look at her tear-stained face, her quivering lips and the expression of utter self-loathing that he found all too familiar. Pushing away a few stray strands of hair, he smiled awkwardly at her.
"You have always been a special person to me, Hermione. You kept my secret back in your third year, even though you knew how potentially dangerous I was. You remained my friend even after you saw…well, after that."
"You are not a monster," she said shyly, looking down at her hands.
"Hermione, look at me," he placed a hand under her chin and gently forced her to look at him. "Don't let anyone ever tell you that you are not…special. You are…very much so."
She looked at him intensely. There was something in that expression of abject pain that called to him. It called to the loneliness that had always lived in his heart…a heart that he had stubbornly forbidden to love.
However, his heart appeared to have a mind of its own.
"You are special to me," he repeated in a very quiet voice.
He was never quite sure who moved first. It could have been him. It could have been her. It really did not matter. What mattered was that their lips met and he found himself unable and, quite honestly, unwilling to hold himself back from her. Tentative at first, their kisses grew more and more desperate, deeper and longer…bruising…as their passion grew and their pent-up feelings came to the surface.
He leaned her back gently on the chesterfield, holding her tightly against him, kissing her madly. She did not protest, did not say a single word to dissuade him. She simply held onto him as if he were the only thing left to her in the world, her body moving against his in ways that were artless and yet very deliberate…eliciting a reaction he could not hide.
He wound his hands in her luxurious hair, feeling the sensuality of its caress against his skin. He pressed against her meaningfully, listening to her sighs with fierce pleasure, wanting nothing more than to envelop himself in her warmth. He had never felt anything like this before…he felt as if he were drowning in her.
But somewhere, through the maelstrom of emotions and feelings and sheer physical longing, somewhere there was a voice of reason that Remus could not ignore. It was an urgent voice telling him to stop…stop now…stop before she got hurt.
"She's only a child! She trusts you. Look how you are abusing that trust!!" his conscience screamed at him.
He pulled back from her fevered embraces as gently as he could, his heart still pounding, his body still craving her warmth…
"Why…why are…what have I done wrong?" she looked at him with eyes full of insecurity and fearful longing.
Remus turned away from her, ashamed of himself…of his weakness…of his failure…
"You have done nothing wrong," he said unsteadily. "It is I who have failed you miserably, taking advantage of your vulnerability for my own purposes."
"Remus, I…" she interrupted.
"No," he said, standing up and facing her, "I will not be the means by which you lose your innocence. You are a child, Hermione. You have your entire life ahead of you. I am a monster…an evil blight on the world…not to be trusted and certainly not to be…desired."
She stood up and reached over to touch his cheek…an action, which made him shudder. "No, you don't understand…" she started.
He gently removed her hand from his cheek. He looked at her sorrowfully, " I let the beast within me take control and I had vowed that would never happen."
"Remus, please listen to me…" she pleaded, tears filling her eyes.
He shook his head, "I'm so sorry…"
He got up and ran off blindly before she could say anything, ignoring her frantic pleas to come back.
Ignoring the fact that he had left her as he had found her.
Crying.
*********End of Flashback**********
"And so you ran away?" Severus asked.
"What else could I do? Rape her?"
"I am no judge on morality, Remus but, from what you have told me, it seems that it was consensual."
"She was hurt. She had been rejected in a callous fashion and she was in a great deal of emotional pain. She saw me as a means of somehow alleviating that pain…saw me as a means of vindicating herself," Remus muttered sadly.
"Do you really think so?" Severus asked.
"Of course I do. Besides, she is probably married by now."
"As a matter of fact, and I have this on good authority, she has immersed herself in her studies since leaving Hogwarts. Harry and Ron complained to me on several occasions that they rarely saw her."
Remus smirked, "I never thought I would see the day when Harry or Ron would come to you with their problems."
"They were worried about her…were inquiring about the possibility of administering the Potion of Dreamless Sleep so that she could get enough rest. She became very thin at one point…hardly eating. Thankfully, she has recovered somewhat although, given what I know now, I don't know how she will react when she discovers you are here."
"I am sure Minerva gave her the happy news," Remus remarked sarcastically, "And I suppose the letter of resignation will be on her desk sometime today."
"Hermione isn't one to give up that easily," Severus countered, "Don't forget…she had me as a professor for seven years. I was the one to give in and admit that she had talent."
"Imagine that," Remus muttered.
Severus got up and stood by the fireplace.
"Remus, you have to tell her what happened last night."
"No!" Remus shouted, placing his head in his hands.
"She has a right to know!" Severus yelled.
"She does not need to feel that she is under any sort of obligation to me. You are under no obligation to me for having saving your life. She should be allowed the same luxury."
Severus stormed up to his friend, resisting the urge to shake some sense into his thick skull.
"You are the most frustrating man on the face of the earth…with the possible exception of Sirius Black! You love her! After all this time, you still love her. It is not just some physical attraction, I have always known you were deeper than that. You love her…body and soul. Why can you not admit it?"
"What is to be gained by my admitting to that? I am evil…I am forbidden from ever loving or being loved just by the very nature of the beast that I am. I…I…" Remus faltered as he put his hands down and stared at them.
"You are frightened that you could hurt her. Is that it?" Severus asked gently.
"I already have," Remus whispered.
"That is not what I meant and you know it, Remus. You are afraid that you will forget to take your Wolfsbane Potion, that you will somehow transform one night and put her in danger. You are afraid that she will become what you are."
Remus looked up at him and Severus was taken aback by the look of bleak sadness in his eyes.
"I will not tell her. And you must not either."
"It is not for me to tell her although I wish you would reconsider."
"No," Remus said quietly.
"Do you love her?"
Remus looked up at Severus, at eyes filled with compassion. There was no loathing or harsh condemnation…simply an understanding of sorts.
"Yes, Severus," he sighed in resignation, "I do. I love her. With everything I am."
Severus regarded his friend carefully.
"When did you start loving her?" Severus asked quietly.
"The first moment I laid eyes on her…a child of thirteen…beautiful, intelligent, loyal and with the most loving and giving heart I have ever known," Remus replied, a small smile playing on his face. "I remember how she looked at me in awe after I had banished the Dementor. That look of adoration…I had never seen anyone look at me like that. We talked briefly as I tried to revive Harry. She thanked me…kissed me on the cheek…no one had ever thanked me before either. No one…no one had ever kissed me…not since…that night in the forest. Not even my mother."
"She is no longer a child of thirteen. She is almost 21, if I remember correctly," Severus commented.
Remus turned to him in surprise.
"Can I ask you a question?" Severus inquired, deliberately ignoring Remus' reaction.
"Of course," Remus replied.
"Why do you think she never told anyone about your "condition" during her third year? Why do you think she accepted your comfort that night, knowing all the time what you were?"
Remus raised his eyebrows and blushed somewhat.
"She cannot possibly…she was only feeling hurt…don't try to manipulate me into doing something both she and I will regret," Remus snapped.
"Why did she keep your secret?" Severus repeated.
"I don't know."
Severus crossed his arms over his chest in a pose of triumph.
"Then, my friend, I would suggest that you ask her."