Disclaimer: Anything you recognize belongs to JK Rowling with many thanks!
Chapter Six: Stargazing
Life could go on.
Remus discovered this fact to be very true over the next several weeks. Even though his heart still beat more quickly when Hermione was nearby, he was able to conduct himself in some semblance of normality. He tried to ensure that there were no occasions where he would be left alone with her…he knew he would not be able to cope with that. Severus did seem to be scheming somewhat and Remus did not entirely believe his proclaimed indifference to the whole situation. The man was devious…he would certainly not be above giving him a love potion instead of the usual Wolfsbane.
For Hermione's part, Remus thought she seemed to have recovered from her ordeal although he did notice that there was a haunted expression on her face, when she thought no one else was looking…an expression that hurt him. She also acted impulsively from time to time…a sense of humour that was sometimes just a bit…jarring…somewhat out of character. It looked as if she were under a great deal of stress and was trying her best to overcome it. Well, it was hardly surprising given what she had been through recently.
For only he knew what form the succubus had taken that night.
And he knew what that meant.
He was picking at his dinner, not paying much attention to the conversation around him. His thoughts whirling in his mind like the Pensieve he had made but never used…never wanted to see what brutish, monstrous thoughts went through the mind of his animal self.
His human thoughts were sufficiently convoluted
Hermione.
Always Hermione.
"You aren't paying attention," a drawling voice drew him out of his reverie.
"Did I miss anything?" Remus answered Severus quietly.
Severus proceeded to pour out a goblet of pumpkin juice for himself and for Remus as well.
"You really do not play the part of the lovesick puppy particularly well, Remus," Severus whispered quietly as he ladled more potatoes into his plate, "When are you going to tell her what happened? She really does have a right to know."
"She can't know," Remus replied bitterly.
"Why?" Severus put his fork down and looked at him in concern. "What is the worst that could possibly happen?"
"Severus, you weren't there that night. You didn't see what happened…" Remus' voice faltered as he noticed Hermione walking into the Great Hall.
Severus, wondering why Remus had stopped talking so quickly, looked over and saw Hermione, who had paused to answer a question from one of the Slytherin students. "She is a very popular teacher," the Potions Master remarked casually.
"I have no doubt of that. I always thought she would make an excellent teacher," Remus tore his gaze away from her and began mashing his potatoes absently. "She knows how to establish a relationship with the students…makes them want to learn and succeed."
Severus smirked good-naturedly. "My students succeed as well. However, I think that the thought of failing and spending summer holidays with me probably has a lot to do with it."
Remus looked at Severus in surprise and laughed.
"You really are in a rather self-deprecating mode, aren't you?"
"I would prefer to think of it as knowing who I am, knowing what I want and accepting that. It is something you might want to try, Remus," Severus commented casually, tearing a roll in two pieces.
"I know who and what I am," Remus murmured.
Severus looked at him kindly. "I realize that, Remus. But what is it that you want? What do you really want? More than anything else."
"I…"
Hermione sat down between Remus and Severus, effectively ending the conversation.
"Good evening, Professor Granger," Severus said in mock civility, although his expression was friendly, "Did my student's comments require any points to be taken from Slytherin?"
Hermione laughed.
"Nothing of the sort, Professor Snape," she replied merrily, "I was simply making arrangements for a tutorial. As you know, fifth years may begin Animagus training, if they are so inclined…"
"And Roberts is so inclined?" Severus asked, looking at the student with interest.
"To the point of being horizontal," Hermione laughed.
"Becoming an Animagus is a great accomplishment," Remus joined in the conversation, "He will do quite well learning the art from you, Hermione."
Hermione blushed slightly.
"You, Potter and Weasley started learning at the same time but you managed to do it in only two years," Severus remarked, "Potter took another year before he could get it completely right and Weasley just a couple of months after that."
"They probably could have learned it sooner…there were a few distractions along the way, courtesy of You-Know-Who," Hermione piped up in defense of her friends.
"Hermione, don't pay attention to this overgrown bat. Becoming an Animagus is a difficult thing…the fact that the three of you succeeded is a testament to your wizarding ability." Remus turned to Severus with an innocent look, "I don't remember if you ever became one, Severus."
Severus glared at him and mumbled something incoherent about silly wand waving and dunderheads.
Remus smiled and turned to Hermione.
"Creating potions was always his talent and I am grateful for that…I know of no one else who can create the Wolfsbane Potion as well as he does," he said sincerely.
Severus looked at him, glared just a moment longer then returned to his food.
Chuckling, Remus turned back to Hermione awkwardly. "How are you finding your teaching experience at Hogwarts so far? You have had a couple of months to get into a regular routine now."
"Very enjoyable, on the whole. The students have really accepted me, which is a relief. I was rather afraid that they wouldn't take to a teacher not much older than they are but that doesn't seem to bother them in the least," Hermione smiled, her cheeks turning just the slightest shade of pink.
"Yes, there isn't much of an age difference between you and them," Remus remarked, cursing himself for sounding…sounding jealous.
Hermione remained silent, the pinkness becoming more and more apparent.
Severus noticed this and felt like throttling Remus. Honestly, he had to do everything himself.
"How many students are involved in this tutorial, Hermione?" Severus asked, trying to break the tension.
Hermione looked at him gratefully. "I have ten fifth years signed up so far. Minerva will be looking after the sixth and seventh years. I will be concentrating on the fifth years myself."
"I never asked but what is your Animagus form? I realize that you are registered but I don't normally make a point of checking the registry for new candidates," Severus inquired, twirling his dinner fork lazily.
"It's an owl," she answered quietly, "Harry and Ron were laughing themselves silly when they saw me…said it was oh-so-appropriate."
"The owl is associated with many things," Remus said suddenly. "She is the familiar of Athena, goddess of wisdom. She is the night hunter…silent and deadly. She lives in the world of night…the world of darkness but is not tainted by it."
There was an awkward silence and Hermione looked at Remus in an enigmatic way.
"It is an appropriate form for you, Hermione," Remus continued, "But not in a negative sense…not at all."
Hermione glanced at Severus, rather puzzled. Severus simply shrugged his shoulders.
The rest of the meal passed in silence and Hermione wondered what Remus meant by living in a world of darkness but not being tainted by it.
"Why is he being so careful around me?" she wondered, somewhat annoyed.
Finally, the meal was ended and the students started filtering out of the Great Hall. Hermione had not eaten much and tried to ignore Severus' concerned looks as much as possible. He was getting to be as bad as Minerva!
Getting up, Severus turned to both her and Remus. "Would either of you care to take a walk by the lake? It is a beautiful night and, after such a wonderful dinner, I could use a bit of a constitutional."
"A walk would be lovely," Hermione got up as well, pushing her chair back in carefully.
"Remus?" Severus inquired.
"I don't think so…I have a number of papers to grade…"
"Nonsense," Severus cut him off, "The fresh air will do you good…perhaps put you in the right frame of mind so that you don't fail half of my Slytherins."
"I wouldn't do that," Remus protested as he grudgingly rose from his chair.
"I know, Remus. You Gryffindors are so horribly fair and equitable. Really, it's a wonder that any of you get anywhere in life," Severus smirked, pleased that Remus had taken the bait.
"Oh, I wouldn't say that, Severus," Hermione commented casually as she brushed a few crumbs off of her robes, "I can think of several Gryffindors who have done quite nicely, thank you very much."
"There are always exceptions to the rule, Hermione," Severus said archly.
"True," Remus agreed, "like a Slytherin with a sense of humour."
Severus chuckled in appreciation and smacked Remus on the shoulder in a friendly fashion.
"Let's go then," Severus started walking, "And don't forget to bring a roll or two for the squid."
Remus and Hermione looked at one another in some surprise.
"I'll get it," Hermione murmured, reaching over to pick up two rolls and tucking them into the pocket of her robes. With a nod, they both began following the Potions Master out of the Great Hall, through various corridors and passageways (encountering not one but two moving staircases) and finally outside.
Hermione breathed in deeply. Ah, that was much better.
"It is a lovely night," Remus conceded as his gaze looked skywards.
"Only half-full tonight," he thought to himself. "Only fourteen more days…"
"The stillness of the evening is certainly preferable to the rabble inside," Severus drawled as he led the small group to the lake.
"You shouldn't be so hard on the students," Hermione protested, "They are allowed to enjoy themselves somewhat."
"Severus does not know how to enjoy himself," Remus remarked seriously.
It was Hermione's turn to smirk. "Well then," she replied innocently, "he should find someone else to enjoy him."
She laughed out loud at the expression on the faces of her colleagues. Severus looked as if he was ready to curse her. Remus simply smiled in wry amusement.
"Hermione Granger!" Severus had recovered somewhat and, thankfully, astonishment had replaced the anger. "That is hardly the sentiment I would have expected from a Gryffindor."
"Perhaps not, " she conceded, "But your reaction was well worth the 100 or so points you would have taken from my house were I still a student."
"It would appear that I have misjudged you," Severus was now smiling broadly.
"You are not the first to do so," Hermione said casually, noticing that Remus looked at her quickly when she said that.
"Why are you keeping yourself so distant from me?" she wondered, wanting nothing more than to hold him and never let him go…despite the fact that he was acting like a prat.
The group reached the shores of the lake and sat down. Hermione pulled out the rolls and handed one to Severus.
"Would you like the other one?" she asked, holding it out to Remus.
"Thank you," he murmured in reply, taking the roll, his fingers briefly touching hers…
"Your skin is so soft…" he thought as he turned his attention to tearing pieces of the roll and throwing them into the lake. They floated briefly on top of the water before a lithe tentacle looped around it delicately and pulled it under the surface…soft, circling ripples the only evidence that they were ever there.
Remus mechanically went through the motions but his thoughts were of her. Her scent surrounded him, teasing him…taunting him with impossible dreams. Dreams of a happy life…a normal life…the kind of life he despaired of ever having.
What was it that Severus had asked? What did he want…more than anything? He knew the answer to that question. He knew what he wanted…
A life with her.
But that was not possible.
Not now.
Not like this.
As the three colleagues sat immersed in their own thoughts, there was suddenly the sound of someone running behind them. Turning around, Hermione saw Professor Sprout dashing across the grounds and coming towards them.
"What on earth is going on now?" she wondered, suddenly worried about attacks on Hogwarts, Dementors and Death Eaters.
"I…I…am so…glad I…found you," Professor Sprout wheezed as she tried to catch her breath.
"Has there been an attack?" Severus asked suddenly.
"Don't…be daft…Severus," she continued, struggling to get the words out, "One of your…students…hid an Engorgement…Charm…in a handkerchief in one…of the classrooms…one of…my students…has a cold…now…has a nose…like a Norwegian Ridgeback…need your help…."
The expression on Severus' face would have frozen water in an instant. He got up quickly and turned to the diminutive professor.
"Show me where the unfortunate student is and I will help," he grumbled.
Remus and Hermione started to get up as well but Severus turned to them quickly.
"This shouldn't take long," he muttered angrily as he pulled out a potion bottle from a pocket of his robes and looked at it, "Stay here and I'll be back quickly…typical of a student to ruin the first quiet evening I have had in days."
Hermione looked at Remus and shrugged her shoulders, easing herself back onto the ground.
Remus turned to watch the two figures, one short and frantic, the other tall and relatively calm, recede in the distance.
"Having a nose like a Norwegian Ridgeback can be a bit of a nuisance, I suppose," Hermione mused.
Remus smiled. "Especially if one has a cold…most inconvenient."
Hermione looked at him and burst out laughing. Remus quickly joined her, laughter certainly being preferable to awkward silences.
"Well," Hermione said, as soon as she was able to get in control of her giggles, "I think Severus should be able to handle the situation easily. I just hope he doesn't give the poor student one of those "I see no difference" speeches that he gave me when Draco made my teeth something akin to a beaver's. Honestly, I don't think I smiled for weeks afterwards. I wonder if he remembers that?"
"Although I have a healthy respect for Severus' intellect, even I do not think he can keep track of all the rude comments he has made to students over the years," Remus smiled.
"No, I suppose not," Hermione was thoughtful for a moment. "It's a shame he wasn't more like you."
Remus felt his heart leap inside his chest but managed to keep his expression neutral.
"How do you mean?" he asked.
Hermione lay back on the ground, hands under her head and staring at the stars.
"Hmmm? Oh, I'm sorry…I was looking at the stars and was suddenly reminded of our mutual friend, Sirius Black. Yes, well I think it would have been better for Neville, in particular, if he had been more like you."
"Oh?"
"You really cared for your students."
"I love teaching. It's only natural that I would want my students to do well."
"That's not what I meant at all. There is a difference," she stated firmly.
Sighing, Remus lay down as well, one hand under his head and the other drumming nervously on his chest.
"Why do I terrify you, Remus?" Hermione suddenly asked, without turning.
Remus' free hand clutched at his robes for a moment but he quickly forced his fingers to relax.
"That is a strange question to ask me of all people, Hermione."
"That is not an answer," she replied quietly.
"I should be the one that terrifies you," he said bitterly.
"Why should that be?" she asked, turning her head to look at him.
Staring up at the sky, Remus thought for a moment. "I am a monster, Hermione. I am a bloodthirsty creature of darkness. Everything that I am should frighten you…terrify you…disgust you. And you would be right in doing so."
"The Wolfsbane Potion…" she started.
"Is nothing but a control. It is not a cure."
"It makes you safe."
Remus didn't answer. Too many conflicting emotions made speech temporarily impossible. He concentrated on the pounding blood in his temples. All he wanted was to take her in his arms…
He felt a warm touch on his arm. Hermione was lying on her side now, facing him…one hand on his arm. And she was smiling.
"I think I understand," she stated softly.
"You do?"
"Yes. However, you do not."
"I don't?"
"Not by half. You see, Remus, you do not terrify me. Have you forgotten that I have witnessed your transformation before?"
Remus had not forgotten as much as he would have liked to. For that to happen right at that particular moment…it was as if he had been stripped naked in front of the world. And yet, she had not shied away from him after that. Not like so many others. She had been one of the few who had not abandoned him.
"No, Hermione. I have not forgotten," he said, absently patting her hand that refused to leave his arm.
"You do not terrify me," she affirmed. "But, back to my original question…"
"It is not you I am terrified of," Remus said quickly.
"Then what is it?"
"I am terrified of myself…of losing control…of hurting…"
"Hurting a friend…someone you care about?"
He looked at her and saw that she was holding back tears. Tears because she thought he didn't…
"No…I am terrified of hurting you…of hurting someone I love," he turned away from her…not wanting to see the expression in her eyes.
"Someone…you l…love?" she whispered.
Sighing in defeat, Remus turned to face her again and ran a gentle finger along her jawline. Her eyes were searching his…hopeful but frightened. He felt that awareness between them grow and suddenly he felt as if he were back in the common room..the scent of her…the very taste of her. He wanted to kiss her…knew, without a doubt, that she wanted him to kiss her as well…
The sound of cracking twigs caused them both to sit up quickly. Someone was coming!
"Thank the stars that I found you, old friend."
Remus and Hermione looked at the tall figure in absolute shock.
The voice belonged to Sirius Black!