Sanguia:
This is the fanfiction which I am CURRENTLY MOST ASHAMED OF. An honour, yes? I wish to disassociate myself from it right now and spend the next four days regretting posting it and clinging desperately to the last remaining shreds of my dignity and self respect.
Pairings: Asuka/Shinji, Kaworu/Shinji, Kensuke/Touji, Misato/Kaji, Rei/Touji, Rei/Gendo, Gendo/Eva 03, Pen Pen/? and Mary Sues/EVERYBODY
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The ultimate cure for writer's block: write yourself a nonsensical, slashy, fluffy, craptacular, unedited self insertion fic starring YOU and your FRIENDS in beautiful, gravity defying Mary Sue forms, and then pass it off as a 'parody' and post it on fanfiction.net! The three most common types of female self insertions are covered here, though expect to see Gary Stue and the abysmal Slarry Stue make appearance if the whim takes me.
But how does any rational person enjoy a Mary Sue? By IDENTIFYING.
So pick a Mary Sue, any Mary Sue, and IDENTIFY with her. Make her thoughts and feelings your own. Sob shamelessly during her short periods of angst! Rejoice in her victories! Her many, MANY victories! Then sit back and relax and wait for slashy goodness. Heh. Works for me.
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The First Annual Bumper Balooza Annual Nerv Mary Sue Dance Party (An Instructional Tale of the Best Intentions Gone Horribly Horribly Wrong)
Starring:
Sanguia ~ a parasitic mary sue working for the forces of evil.
Celestina ~ a shameless mary sue working for the forces of good.
Tabitha Rei ~ a parasitic mary sue working for the forces of e
Shinji's new muffin' bakin' girlfriend.
Kensuke ~ a nerd.
Touji ~ a gorilla, and owner of nerd.
Shinji ~ a confused young man.
Asuka ~ a feisty bitch, and owner of confused young man.
Misato ~ an alcoholic.
Kaji ~ a watermelon molester
Ritsuko ~ a cat molester
Gendo ~ an eva molester.
Disco!Gendo ~ a being of incredible beauty beyond all comprehension.
EVA 01 ~ a funky dance partner.
Lilith ~ the creator of all life.
Kaworu ~ a suave bachelor and arch nemesis.
Rei ~ the other half of Lilith, trapped in her creator's body by the evil Ann THE REAL REI IS ALREADY IN THIS FANFIC
Hikari ~ your WORST NIGHTMARE.
*BA - BUM!*
Deep within the bowels of central dogma, in a glass paneled observation station, one man sat. He wasn't a very attractive man, or kind, or witty, but as he stared out over Nerv headquarters stretching before him, it occurred to the man that having total power to control the second largest military organization in Japan quite made up for these things. The question was: to use this power for good... or for evil?
In the darkness below, dim white figures scurried around, stringing long wires over the quietly beeping Magi and brushing against the folds of towering cloth covered silhouettes. Little trucks parted the crowds like dogs among geese, wheeling strange equipment and rough crates which fell off with ominous CRUNCHES. From the whispered swearings of the workers to the muffled cracklings of a thousand boxes being broken open with trembling hands, everywhere there was an air of crushed anticipation, excitement, and even fear.
Gendo Ikari adjusted his glasses, and smiled.
"Let the First Annual Bumper Balooza Annual Nerv Dance Party begin."
Touji Suzuhara was sprawled out on his bed, and he was sulking. Flies buzzed angrily against the window pane, black against the blinding warm sunlight, but he ignored them and grumpily rolled over to glare at the cold wall. This was not how he normally spent his Saturday. There were a million other better things he used to do on weekends; things like running, and kicking stuff, or going to the mall, or making out with Hikari, or kicking Kensuke's arse at Quake.
Used to do.
Which was why he was here and sulking right now. Well, he could still do the other things, but he just didn't feel like it. Kicking stuff wasn't half as fun when there was nobody to kick it at. Running got boring when you didn't have somebody to run after, and dunk his head in the bubbler when you caught him. Nope, all in all, it was far more satisfying to lie here with arms folded and fume about shitheads who reject their friends. Not that he cared.
Touji knew that he technically didn't have a right to fume about Hikari, as he was the one who rejected HER, but after the way she'd acted he decided to do it anyway. Stupid Hikari. She'd always seemed so sweet, and innocent, and the kind of person who tied little checker bows around his sandwiches, for god's sake. But then... all right, making out, he could handle. Fooling around was all good in Touji's books, and he tended to get nosebleeds if the conversation progressed any further than that. When Hikari produced the handcuffs, he nearly died from blood loss. It was when she brought out the whip, and the chain, and the leather pointy thing Touji didn't even know what WAS that he started to get worried, and when she pushed him onto the floor holding nipple clamps in her teeth, well - running screaming from the room seemed a good idea at the time. His ex-girlfriend had not taken this gesture well. Those nipple clamps HURT, especially when used on things that weren't nipples. He still had the scars. As a result, he hadn't had any "lovin'" for a very long time, had started avoiding Hikari in corridors, and had jumped when anybody mentioned the word 'pincers'. It was really embarrassing. Not to mention how the girl had acted all heartbroken at school, and made it all out to be HIS fault, 'not understanding her', 'never communicating', 'pressuring her for sex'. Bitch.
Grudgingly, Touji knew that Aida had actually been really... nice after the Grand Cataclysmic Breakup. The guy didn't HAVE to go back to her house and pick up Touji's stuff, and some of the scratch marks on Kensuke's arms afterwards had been just NASTY. But Kensuke was that kind of guy. Touji knew people who would have laughed in his face to high heaven if he'd just told them something like that. Hell, he himself would have, probably. But Aida didn't. He had been a little strange, but he'd believed him and stuck up for him and stopped teaching Hikari how to do equations and tried not very well to make up stupid words that rhymed with her name, like 'bitch...car...tree'. Things like that. That was why they were best friends, he guessed. Then Touji remembered.
No, they weren't best friends any more. The boy scowled at the plaster. Against every single law in the entire universe, Kensuke Aida had got a girlfriend.
It wasn't that he was a nerd, and nerds shouldn't have anything to do with girls. It was just that... Kensuke was HIS nerd. Since the day they met in year two, Touji had always thought of Aida as HIS best friend to do stuff with, to hang out with, to help him with him with his homework, to stay up all night playing playstation with. HIS nerd to run around like an idiot with a camera, and camp out in a rice field and grin when Touji paid him out, even to sit and listen to while Kensuke rattled off the names of every single empire aircraft from Star Wars just because he could. Touji had never really been able to voice what he felt and had never been into all that touchy-feelings crap, but Kensuke had known that he was HIS goddamn best friend. And Aida had never seemed to mind it when they were younger and Touji got possessive, maybe because Touji getting possessive was the only thing that prevented him from getting beaten up every morning. But they were friends. Together. Touji and Kensuke, Kensuke and Touji. So he had just kind of assumed that whatever he did, Kensuke would be there and ready to listen to him and laugh about it and make really bad jokes. And that was probably why it sucked so much now he wasn't.
Suddenly Aida stopped calling him every night babbling about which database he'd just hacked into, suddenly he couldn't make it to Touji's house to play Melee til their eyeballs hurt. They used to walk home together, but for some reason Kensuke was never around after school anymore. He'd sit in class staring at space in a dream, ignoring Touji's notes saying that Captain Falcon was SOOOOOOO GAY and that Samus was gonna THRASH him tonight (something which had never before failed to provoke a reaction) and smiling at nothing at all. Touji had tried to talk to him about it. He'd even tried to bash Aida a couple of times, but the guy had just grinned goofily and mumbled something before wandering off in a daze. Guiltily, Touji admitted that he HAD acted a little like that when he was with Hikari, but this was different, ok? And then, last Wednesday, SHE walked into class.
Drop dead gorgeous. Tiny, little, cute with huge green eyes and cascading purple hair that couldn't possibly ever be that shiny, uniform tight over the kind of body that would have made him salivate on sight in any normal circumstances, but for some reason he felt nothing. Strutting in like she owned the place, tossing her head and placing one foot precisely after the other, beautiful and aware of it. But as the class stared at her in awe, was he the only one who noticed how totally fake she was? How in every movement there was egotism, every seductive flicker of an eyelash was completely contrived, how there was either something there that was ugly and unnecessary, or something terribly, terribly missing? Something about her, not REAL, not RIGHT. Was he the only one who saw her look straight at him and smile like a shark, threats and malice sparkling in her viridian eyes - hell, he didn't even KNOW the word viridian before he saw her - was he the only one whose mouth wasn't hanging open as she flicked her shimmering silvery bangs out of her perfect crystalline orbs of - NO! What the hell was he THINKING?
He'd turned to the desk next to him, and seen Kensuke's face. He looked so happy, eyes shining that something hurt inside and he whirled around to stare at the girl.
"My name's... Sanguia," she giggled, voice clear and sweet and exotic. "I'm the new... exchange student from Australia."
She smirked, strode over and kissed Kensuke on the mouth.
Aida had been dating her for a week. A whole fucking week since she'd moved into the apartment next to him and he'd never even bothered to tell him. Never mind the uproar after the kiss, everybody dying to know about Kensuke's beautiful secret exchange student girlfriend who everybody except one person seemed to have fallen in love with, people actually coming to Touji expecting him to tell THEM what was going on as he sat alone at lunchtime wanting to smash something - he hadn't even had a chance to YELL at the loser yet, because he'd been swooning in the arms of Sanguia twenty four hours a day since. Touji wasn't sure which hurt - no, he wasn't hurt. Not hurt at all, just pissed off, which PISSED HIM OFF more, that Aida had kept it a secret or that Aida was acting like such an idiot now. Probably having to find out from that gloating cow, Hikari, of all people, that she was actually Kensuke's long lost childhood sweetheart that Touji wasn't even aware EXISTED was the last straw. He just couldn't believe that Kensuke didn't say. Anything. He couldn't even BELIEVE that Aida could even GET a girlfriend. He knew Kensuke was a horny little bastard, but he'd never grasped how you talked to girls, and seemed to prefer weapons magazines to romantic movies. Touji didn't know much about chicks either, but he knew enough to know that no girl had EVER considered Kensuke as boyfriend material. Though it wasn't because Aida was ugly... Alarm bells started to ring in his mind. He could think this as long as he made it absolutely clear that he wasn't gay, ok? ..Aida was actually quite... good looking, actually. Not in the normal kind of way, and you wouldn't notice it unless you knew him, but he did have ...nice cheekbones, and behind his glasses his eyes were warm and brown, and he had a, a good smile, and he was skinny but not bad skinny, and his freckles were even kinda ... cute.
CUTE? Oh god, no way, he was NOT thinking this, this was so wrong! The boy grabbed his head in his hands. Shut up, shut up! The only reason he even thought that was because - Aida was such a puny little weakling he looks half like a chick anyway, ok? 'No he doesn't', came his mind. 'He looks - '
SHUT UP. Touji and his mind had been disagreeing lately. Ever since that bitch Sanguia had joined their class he started thinking totally GAY things which were just weird. Embarrassing and weird. If the he'd bothered to think back he would have remembered the embarrassing weirdness had started a bit before Sanguia's arrival, but she definitely made it worse and he needed something to blame it on. It was just... he didn't like the way she TOUCHED Aida all the time. All she did was hang off him at every available opportunity, arms round his neck, hands on his face, whispering in his ear in that oh-so-sexy little accent of hers that turned Touji's stomach. It was just creepy, and, and annoying, and Touji had to watch it all day, hunched up and glowering from his desk. Running her fingers through Aida's hair, like she, she owned him or something. It was the owning that got to Touji the most, made him so angry. That and the fact that his best friend hadn't said two words to him in the last three days. Naturally, Sanguia had taken the seat on the other side of Kensuke, presumably so she could maul him and see Touji's face at the same time. He swore the bitch knew -
He froze.
Not that there was anything TO know, but the insane cow must have thought she was doing something, because why else would she glance at him as she dragged Aida off at lunch, wink at him while she whisked off Aida's glasses from behind in the way that Touji remembered was how HE used to when they were kids. Almost like she was trying to make him jealous. And it wasn't working, all right?! It was like the crazy bitch was trying mess with his mind or something! It felt like she was messing with everybody else's mind. She'd arrived on Wednesday, and she'd already been given, what, 16 titles already? Everything from Form Captain to positions their drooling teacher had invented on the spot, such as Monitor of Excellence. Now, Touji was aware that he wasn't that bright, but he KNEW Mr Fukuyama. And Touji KNEW that Mr Fukuyama would have chucked a full on fit had anybody else come to school wearing thigh high buckled leather platform boots, but in Sanguia's case he didn't seem to notice, or care. For some reason, even though she'd only met them three days ago and acted like an arrogant brat, by Friday she'd become best friends with EVERYBODY in the entire class (with the exception of Shinji, Asuka and Rei who'd been off on a training camp or something that week) and people had been FIGHTING over who would bring her food from the cafeteria. It was just wrong! Kensuke was DIFFERENT now, strange, and distant, and - and in LOVE with that cow, and letting her DO that to him, and Touji just wanted to -
Oh god. No. Weird. Embarrassing. Aaaaaaaargh, why was this HAPPENING to him? The boy on the bed shut his eyes tight. He HAD to stop doing this. He didn't care, not about that stupid fucking nerd and his bitch girlfriend. Maybe if he bashed himself it this feeling would go away, this... hurting feeling. Like he wanted cry, or something.
He slammed a tanned fist into his stomach.
The feeling did not go away.
Damnit. He tried again, grunting at the pain and forgetting for a second about Kensuke, and Sanguia, and how he'd felt when HIS fucking nerd had just walked away, how he felt when SHE put her arms around him, so he did it again, and again, until he couldn't think about anything.
A sudden movement made him look up.
It was his sister, Mari in the doorway, staring at him in a rather scared manner. "Um," she began, warily. "Touji..."
He hastily stopped punching himself and tried not very successfully to look as if this was a normal, everyday occurrence. "Yeah?"
"You have a visitor..." And with that his sister threw open the door fully and scampered off. Behind it was a tall, willowy young woman, with sparkling blond hair pulled back into a high pony tail, gigantic, clunky but never-the-less sexy platform boots, a short skirt, an ankle length brown trench coat, finely pointed elven ears, an embarrassed hand over her forehead and a pained expression.
"Touji." she sighed. "Have you been punching yourself again?"
He looked uncomfortable. "Um. ... No." Random chicks didn't visit him everyday, let alone random hot chicks, let alone random hot chicks who catch him doing something kinda, well, stupid. "Who are you?" he blurted out.
"Celestina," the girl replied, whipping a white mobile phone out of her pocket and revealing the darkest pair of violet eyes Touji had ever seen, large and glittering... and at the moment, highly irritated. "Hey, Lilith," she said, snapping it open. "Whaddaya MEAN I'm as bad as them? I'm entitled to look nice, aren't I? Hey, I'm doing YOU the favour. It's not THAT bad, at least he's not throwing himself in my arms. Mmmhmm, yup, he's here. Oh, get Kaworu off the line! Wha - that was SO not mature, Kaworu. Whatever -- HEY! Shut up! Oh, Rei, thank gawd SOMEBODY actually wants to - you're sick Kaworu, seriously - no I will NOT tell him that - look, Shinji's life is Shinji's business - just - EVERYBODY SHUT UP!"
There was a pause. "So I'm supposed to...? Ok. Hey, you were the one who said that this might be safer than just planting information directly in my brain. It's not my fault I'm human! Oh, shut up, stupid angels. I notice YOU'RE the ones trapped in Lilith. They've gone to far this time. Will you let me talk to the poor guy? I KNOW. Snorf. Snorf snorf. Hehehe! I'll get to that, I'll get to that. Uhuh. Yup. Ok. Bye!"
The girl shut the phone with a clack. "I think you and I," she shoving it into the pocket of the jacket, "Should have a little talk."
Sanguia swaggered. It was a good swagger, and she knew it. Heads turned and food was dropped as she breezed across the park, sending flurries of adjectives popping into unsuspecting brains as her shimmering lilac locks flew like a silken waterfall away from her delicate china face and incandescent liquid emerald eyes. Glancing sidelong, she tried to shoot a dazzling smile at her new 'boyfriend', but he wasn't beside her and all she managed to do was make several grown men fall off a park bench. What?
She glanced backwards she saw that Kensuke had stopped several metres behind. He was mumbling and kept on trying to check the time on his digital camera then staring up in confusion at her, appearing quite (if Sanguia did say so herself about her darling Aida-kun) silly. People had even stopped paying attention to HER to look at him, which just wasn't right! Damn. And she was so sure she'd taken him over completely.
Pouting prettily, she strutted over and gently took his arm. "What's the matter, love?"
The boy looked from side to side, as if he didn't really see her, murmuring. "I - I - today... I was supposed to... Touji's house..."
Ah. Touji. How annoying! Like, the guy was fun to torment and stuff, but Kensuke used to INSIST on thinking about him all the time. She thought she'd broken K-kun of that little habit, by nipping every inconvenient thought in the bud, like 'I really like Tou-' 'I should ring Tou-' and 'Touji's say somethi-', but obviously not. It took constant attention. It seemed like he needed some more patented Sanguia loving right now. "Kensuke." Holding his chin, she pulled his camera away and forced him to look straight into her narrowed eyes. "You don't like Touji, do you? You love ME, don't you? Not him. Me. Remember, darling...?"
"You...?"
"Yes. ME. Don't you remember all the times we used to play together when we were little, and how you cutely promised always to protect me? And how you've been reunited with me at last, since I moved to Neo Tokyo all these years later and how you nearly burst with happiness when you saw me? Because you'd been pining away for me since the moment your heart was ripped out when I was torn cruelly from you by my family moving to Australia, and how you repeated every single night the vow you made always to be true with manly tears running from your eyes? Remember how I'm your universe, your shining star, your one true love for the rest of eternity, REMEMBER?" Around her, she felt things subtly come back into place. Of course all this had happened. Kensuke had just forgotten for a while.
"Eternity..." the boy blinked, rapidly. "Um. Yeah..." And then his eyes were gazing into hers again, practically overflowing with just the kind of eternal love Sanguia had personally put there. "Yeah! I don't know, I must be feeling sick or something... For a second, I..." for a moment he looked worried, but then he shrugged and grinned at her shyly, the morning sun glancing off his camera held slack at his side. "...I can't remember. It probably wasn't important. Though..."
Before his face had a chance to darken, Sanguia leapt in with a kiss, crushing rose petals lips against his. She could practically hear his head swimming. They broke off, the cute nerd flushed and breathless. "Never mind."
It hadn't been easy. They'd had to go against every sacred law of writing, turn against everything they'd been taught, regress back to their days of fanfiction infancy, but Sanguia and Tabitha had managed it. They were supposed to be innocent self-insertions, minor plot devices to help in what had begun as a simple shounen-ai and had turned into something far more sinister, but the instant they entered they had felt the sheer, absolute POWER surging through them.
It had taken them a week to succumb to the dark side.
Vaguely she wondered what Tabitha was up to. They hadn't really kept in touch the way they'd planned, mostly because they'd both been too busy with their own agendas, like making up their former lives on the spot, exuding charisma, incredible beauty, stuff like that. And Tabitha had headed off for Nerv headquarters, while Sanguia had dropped by to perform a few personal errands at the apartment next door to a certain Mr Aida. There HADbeen a woman living there previously, but she didn't seem to mind just walking out and sleeping in the street. The girl giggled. Tabitha would approve. Come to think of it, the last time she'd actually spoken to Tabitha was the next day, when... she smirked. They'd, well, DISPOSED of the competition. Oh, poor Asuka. Poor Misato. Poor Rei. Poor little Shinji, all alone with only Tabitha to look after him. Now THAT would have been fun. Maybe she should pay Tabitha a visit. Tonight? No, not tonight. She'd nearly forgotten. Tonight was to be her finest hour. Fine then, how about right now?
As she strode down the footpath, complete in her beauty and her True Love at her side, being a Mary Sue had never been this good.
Shinji Ikari was scared. Very very VERY scared. Much more scared than his normal, everyday level of scaredness which, living with Asuka, was already very high. He was beyond scared. He was TERRIFIED. For an entire week since they'd left he'd been living in a waking NIGHTMARE - and as he glanced towards the distant sounds of scraping and singing coming from the kitchen and tried not to cry, HE JUST WANTED TO WAKE UP.
It had all started a week ago, with the mail. Misato walking in, confused with a big brown envelope in her hands, Asuka jumping up, red hair flying to snatch it from her and tear it open. He'd only got a quick glance at the message before they both screamed at him to get back to making dinner, but what he'd seen had read:
The First Annual Nerv Training Camp Thing for Skinny Bitches Who Are Threats To Our Men Really Cool People.
Invited: Misato, Asuka and Rei
Shinji had ducked over the fish he was chopping, ready for the screams of indignation and, ultimately, some of this indignation being taken out on him. But nothing happened. Trembling, he crept back into the hall. The two women were standing there, motionless.
"I think we should go," said Asuka in an odd hollow sort of voice.
"Yes. I think we should go." Misato echoed. And they did. Right then and there, marching out the door in their pajamas. The boy stood in shock for a second, then dropped the kitchen knife and tried to run after them, but his path was suddenly blocked by a shadow in the doorway.
Her face was Rei's. Her voice was Rei's. But Shinji knew that she was NOT Rei.
Maybe it was her hair. It was blue, yes, but it tumbled down her back in shining ringlets, little tendrils framing deep and beautiful blood red eyes. Maybe it was the way she grinned like a tiger. Maybe it was the fact that she was wearing a leather dominatrix outfit and stilettos. Maybe it was the way he spontaneously developed a nosebleed, but whatever the reason, this was not the girl he knew. But then she opened her mouth.
"Shinji..."
And he felt it all slipping away. Yes. This was Rei. She was his... girlfriend. And... they'd been together for... two years. In the back of his mind something tried tell him about people called Asuka, and Kaworu, but as her voice washed over him he knew he'd never known anybody like that. And she pushed him gently backwards onto the sofa, and stroked his cheek, and said all these nice, nice things, then moved off into the kitchen to bake him... muffins.
But the odd thing was, while she was away from him his mind cleared and he realised he was alone and Asuka and Misato were gone and there was this strange girl telling him lies in his KITCHEN baking him MUFFINS. He didn't even LIKE muffins! He tried not to panic, he tried not to hyperventilate. She had been... nice... but he knew he had to get out of here right now, or else -
But then a gleaming tray of monstrous cakes was shoved under his nose, sickly and purple and smelling so... good...
"Eat up, Shinji." Her voice was low, and lovely, and he found himself grabbing one and stuffing it into his mouth, and everything dissolved as he looked up into a pair of smiling crimson eyes.
From that moment on, it had all been a blur. Everywhere there were muffins, MUFFINS, and she was making him eat them, but he didn't mind, or care, because he LOVED her, Rei, his girlfriend, his perfect girlfriend in his perfect life, who he held in his strong masculine arms (did he even HAVE strong masculine arms? he couldn't remember or care) and cherished above all things and worshipped and obeyed and gave his soul to and held and loved, and it was the happiest time of his life. And whenever he felt unhappy... but he never felt unhappy, because he was always eating a muffin and stroking her long glistening hair, which was sometimes blue and sometimes black, and even though he knew that something should be wrong about that he just couldn't work out what it was. His. His Rei. His Rei who just wanted him to be happy, just wanted to do things for him and be with him so he didn't hate himself so much, but of course he didn't do that because Rei didn't want him to. He didn't even know what day it was as they ran into each other in a sugary dream, and he thought he could remember once feeling trapped like a puppet on a string and not REAL and not himself, and that Rei was actually... different? but the next minute he couldn't and it had never happened at all and he was back, with her, in her arms. Everything had floated by, happy and wonderful and he never wanted it to stop. He remembered her getting dressed (or did the clothes just appear on her?) to leave that morning for the first time, and he felt like something was wrenched in his chest as the world was flung from beneath his feet and he felt a void of darkness reaching up to swallow him at the thought of being parted. But she touched him with her slim cool fingers and told him that she had put out a tray of muffins for him on the kitchen bench, and won't he eat them and remember her? She'd be back soon...
He'd tried to eat them. He really did. He WANTED to eat them, though not as much as he wanted to break down the door she'd locked and run after her. But he'd slipped, and the plate had smashed into the sink and the waste disposal had been on, and he'd stumbled backwards into the cupboard and it had shaken open and Pen-Pen had fallen out, stuffed in a cereal box with a bit of cloth pushed into his beak...
It was like waking out of a dream. He sat frozen next to the unconscious bird and with the grating of the waste in the background and it was like layers were being stripped away, like sounds that were fuzzy and muted were becoming clearer and clearer.
He remembered who he was.
He remembered who she wasn't.
And he got scared.
He couldn't move when he heard the key scrabbling in the lock, could only sit as a shadow fell across him and she saw the china shards and purple mush in the sink. He felt it creeping back into him again, filters falling across his brain, but a small ball of terror burned feebly in the darkness whispering: 'Kaworu... anybody...'
And now he'd been forced onto the couch, made to stay there until she was finished. He could hear the clink of a spoon, the whir of a processor - she was going to make him eat more, and he'd lose himself again in that tide flooding over his senses, become another person who simply loved and obeyed. He wished he had the strength to fight it, to just get up and leave, but his legs wouldn't work and part of him still loved her (what was he talking about? she was Rei) and NEEDED to choke down those moist mounds of poison (because he was happy and he needed her) and as the kitchen door opened he felt precious memories spilling away like rain, strange and blurry. She bent down and picked one up, plump and steaming in her tiny white hand.
He reached out to take it when the doorway bell rang.
Usually, Kaworu was bored. Being fused with your creator just wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and there's a limited amount of things you can get up to when you exist inside your mother's mind. In fact, if he'd had his time over again he SO would've just wriggled out of Eva 01's hand and escaped to a pineapple plantation with Shinji or something. He had liked his death scene though. Very dramatic. He'd watched it quite a few times as a distraction while he was trying to ignore the guilty feeling rising in his stomach when he tuned into the real world and saw the poor boy sobbing his heart out. In retrospect, the whole messy business had been a nasty affair all round. But from what he'd seen, Shinji seemed to have gotten over it. Sort of.
Because basically, watching him was all Kaworu did all day. Despite being physically chained to a cross in central dogma, being the source of all life did have its perks and though Lilith couldn't actually communicate with her children, she could See and Hear all. She'd thoughtfully provided Kaworu with a large screen TV so he could do this too (the mind of the creator worked in mysterious ways). So for the past year Kaworu had lounged around inside the misty recesses of Lilith's consciousness watching a kind of permanent Big Brother. He mostly tuned into the Shinji channel, though the Asuka channel was usually the most interesting and some of the things that went on on the Misato channel deserved an un-cut marathon all to themselves. He had also learnt never to switch on Gendo after nine o clock at night. He wasn't even sure that was legal. Kaworu had cooked CRUMPETS in that toaster. He watched the lives of the Eva kids evolve like an incredibly slow moving soap opera; he had giggled when Kaji dressed up as a watermelon for halloween, smirked when Hikari stabbed her photos of Touji with a sacrificial knife, thrown mental popcorn at the screen when Pen-Pen destroyed Rei's entire bloody bandage collection by eating them, learnt far too much about Klingons to be healthy just by reading over Kensuke's shoulder, jumped up and down screaming "FINALLY!" when Asuka smashed Shinji's walkman in a fit of rage...
It wasn't all as entertaining. There were very long patches of monotony while everyone was asleep, for instance. Or when they were at school, or at work, or when the annoying things just sat there and stared out the window. Day after day, watching but never, EVER able to participate, it got very tedious.
However, Kaworu was not bored now. He was extremely angry, for two reasons. Number one: some goddamn Mary Sues had invaded his universe and, just as Shinji had started to turn normal, were screwing around with his favourite person's mind, and number two: as a result, he now had to share his room with the most selfish annoying stupid little sister ever!
Yes. That's right. Exactly one week ago, SHE had rocked up in Lilith's mind expecting to sleep in HIS space, and use all HIS stuff. Just because Rei had told some pathetic little story in her pathetic little voice about being 'forced to merge against her will' and 'the two being stronger than any she had ever seen' Lilith had actually AGREED with her, was like MEAN to him, and tried tell him that Rei WAS her other half, and he wouldn't turn away his own mummy, would he? It was so not the same thing! He'd tried suggesting that clone-girl could go and stay with... Adam, for example, or at least on the opposite cranial hemisphere, but mother would have none of that. She'd even tried to get Kaworu to think of her as 'the little sister he'd never had'. He didn't want a little sister! He wanted his couch back, and his bed back, and most of all he wanted the remote back. Rei watched the most boring stuff!
"Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!" he wailed.
/What?/
"Rei's hogging the TV again! All she ever does is watch GENDO making that stupid Bumpa Wumpa dance party thing! You said I could have it in half an hour, you said, you said -"
/Your sister is watching that because she's trying to work out the Mary Sue's plans, which you might give a little thought to, occasionally. And besides, all YOU'RE going to do is watch the one called 'Tabitha' playing with Shinji again, and you know how upset that makes you. Now why don't you go for a nice walk around my brain? I'll make you a park, if you want.../
"I don't wanna go to a park! I wanna go see what that bitch -"
/Kaworu! You know how I feel about swearing in this plain of existence!/
"But she is a bi - "
/TABRIS! Don't make me raise my voice!/
"... Fine. That nasty sadistic highly unpleasant girl then. But I need to see what she's up to! Who KNOWS what evil stuff she's doing to him! She could be making him watch Dragon Ball Z, or dress up as Spider-man, or giving him HOBBIT HAIR!" the angel screeched. "It's not fair, Rei's had it ALL DAY, I wanna see him, MUUUUUM - "
/That's enough! You'll never get what you want by nagging! If you're so bored, you can clean up your room. Or, Celestina's just about to talk to Touji. You can both watch that, if you want./
Oh. Yeah. The girl Lilith found. Simmering with the injustice of it all, Kaworu sulkily chose the latter. At least Rei wouldn't get to watch what SHE wanted to watch either. Stalking into the living room, he snuck up behind the couch where she was sitting prim as a picture with her hands folded neatly in her lap.
He put his mouth to her ear and roared.
"REI!"
There was silence. "I was aware you were there," the girl said a soft monotone.
She didn't even jump! Glowering, Kaworu walked around and threw himself down beside her. Rei was no fun. "Hey. Doll."
"I am not a doll."
"Whatever. Mum says we have to watch Celestina chatting up the gorilla."
/I did dear. Though I wish you wouldn't call him that, Kaworu, the poor boy would probably be very upset if he could hear you./
For once Rei volunteered something. "Suzuhara wouldn't be upset," she whispered, flicking the remote button unblinkingly. "Everybody calls him - "
The cheerful tones of Celestina exploded from the television set. "So gorilla, reckon you get it now?"
".... Um. I... No."
Celestina rolled her eyes, blond bangs bobbing happily around her forehead as she glanced around the messy teenager's room. This was turning out to be FUN! "What's there not to get? Do I need to go through it again? Ok; Kensuke's new girlfriend chick is actually one of two Mary Sues - and Mary Sues are self indulgent young girls possessing mind control powers, remember - who have arrived from a parallel universe and abused their abilities to basically take over everybody's brains and make for themselves perfect, perfect lives. I am ashamed to say that these people were once my good friends, Sanguia and Tabitha.
In seven days they've been able to mass mind wipe almost every person in the city into becoming instantly attracted to them, manipulated molecules and space to change their physical appearances, and screwed around with time itself to create pasts and identities that not only contradict each other, ruin certain people's lives but also just plain don't make sense. Plus, they incarcerated Misato and Asuka in what appears to be a small chocolate shop with signs everywhere saying: 'Eat Me and Grow Fat!'. Then they warped Gendo's brain so much that he thinks that holding some sort of a... fancy dress disco at Nerv Headquarters is a spiffing idea and is glad he thought of it, trapped Rei by merging her with Lilith, just kind of postponed the apocalypse that should inevitably follow, and, the cardinal sin," the girl took a deep breath. "made two regulars, Shinji and Kensuke, turn totally OOC and SET THEM UP WITH THEMSELVES. Which is where I come in. You see, Lilith sent a very angry letter to the Deities Parents Association complaining about - "
The boy on the bed, by now wrinkling his brow with the effort of understanding all this, interrupted her. "Just a second..." he asked, leaning forward and looking at her incredulously. "If these... Mary Sues, or whatever, got mind control... How come I - if I did believe you, and I don't - I was the only one who didn't fall for her - um - spell?"
"Aha!" exclaimed Celestina delightedly. She had been looking forward to this. "That was because of the POWER OF YOUR LOVE!"
"My WHAT?"
"You see," she innocently explained, twirling some hair around a finger and looking like smugness personified, "only people who really DO love the victim involved are able to see past a Mary Sue's illusions. In Shinji's case Tabitha got rid of Asuka and Misato, because being proactive kinda gals they were probably just way too much of a threat. Sanguia doesn't seem to mind you knowing though - "
Touji spluttered. "Just a second - whaddaya MEAN really do love?"
"Well isn't it obvious?" Celestina answered, smiling. "You're in love with Kensuke."
Hah! THAT was worth it. Touji's eyes snapped open wider than she'd ever seen anyone's go before. His mouth opened and closed several times before he was able to scream, "I AM NOT IN LOVE WI - "
"Do you want your sister to hear?"
That stopped him. "Shut up!" he hissed. "I am not!"
"It ain't just a river in Egypt, Touji."
"What does a river have to do with it? What? You're just crazy!"
Celestina sighed. "I might have known I was addressing an imbecile. Maybe together you and Lil' Poindexter'll have enough brain cells to function as a protozoae."
The boy looked like he was trying to compute this. "...I still don't see where a river comes into it..." he began suspiciously, as if on some level aware that he had just been 'subtly insulted'.
"Never mind. Just back to the whole Kensuke thing - "
"I told you to shut up! There is no Kensuke thing!"
"Oh yeah? Then how come... let's see... How come when Sanguia pushed him onto a science desk you wanted to drag her off, bash her head in then take up the position yourself, hmmmm?"
She'd made a scientific discovery; a new species of bright red ape. "How the hell did you - I - you - NO I DIDN'T!"
"How the hell did I what? Know?" the girl smirked, leaning backwards and watching Touji flush with evil satisfaction. "Well, even though I happen to be a good little self-insertion and would NEVER," she giggled, "use my powers irresponsibly, that doesn't mean I don't possess them. And thought reading just happens to be one power which is particularly enjoyable. You really oughta be more careful, y'know. I wasn't even TRYING to listen in but you were blaring the message all over the place. It was like being forced to listen to the teenage boy angsty porn station the moment I got into the house! Not that I minded of course..."
Celestina watched Touji's face change. He seemed to be about to scream something very loudly, so she hastily cut him off and said, "Still don't believe me? I haven't even scratched the surface, baby! Let's see what interesting mental images a frustrated fifteen year old mind can conjure up..."
Had this been a normal situation, Celestina knew she would've been crucified for what she was about to do. Telepathic ability in an original character, even in the name of Good was fanfiction death, coming only slightly after eyes that changed colour. But this wasn't a normal situation. Celestina had been hired to stop two dangerous enemies and if this was the, er, only way she could think of to gain an important ally's help, nobody was in a position to argue with her! Besides, she was allowed to have a little fun, right?
Closing misted eyes, she put a hand to her forehead and reached out to the boy. She heard him gasp, felt her own lungs contract in unison, and knew she was there.
"Oh MY GOD! Well THAT sure was an interesting dream!"
"What - What the - What the fuck - "
"Oooooooo! Never knew you were into - looks like there's a LOT of things I never knew you were into! Er, I wouldn't try that in real life, it doesn't work and might be a bit painful. You COULD use custard though - "
"YOU - GET THE HELL OUTTA MY MIND!"
"Were the pink fluffy handcuffs for you or for - "
The door creaked open. Something clicked. The two teenagers turned, blinked and looked horrified simultaneously. If you looked closely you could have seen a purple link shimmering between their two heads.
"Ummm... is everything... ok... in here?"
It was Mari, hovering nervously on the threshold. She seemed to be... a bit worried.
"Nah, everything's fine," her brother and Celestina said together, high squeal blending weirdly with guttural growl.
"WHAT? Why are we talking at the same time?"
Synchronised, they bent towards each other, wearing identical shocked frowns. "Hey, don't get stressed! Just a little blip in the connection, that's all, cos I lost concentration. THIS IS MY BRAIN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT! It'll go away once I get it together again! IT BETTER - "
Mari took a few steps backwards.
"Yeah, uh, that's good! You can.. go and bake us some cupcakes, er, Touji's si - Mari! - Yeah, Mari, go bake us - I hate cupcakes! - Be QUIET - "
Their heads whipped together for a second, and then Celestina felt the lock ease, and individual control spread over her body in a warm cloud. "What we're trying to say," she said to the little girl, a bit embarrassed, "Is that, everything is fine. Yes."
Mari must have decided that she just didn't wanna know.
After the door shut and the footsteps of an eleven year old sounded hastily down the stairs, Celestina turned back to Touji. "So, who were they for?"
"Him," the boy answered promptly, then, "HOW DID YOU DO THAT?"
"NOW will you believe me? Psychic. Mind control. MARY SUE. Get with the program Touji, cos denial is getting boring. Look, I already know more than even I wanted to about your particular feelings for a certain somebody, and the sooner you help me, the sooner you can start 're-bonding' with Kensuke. And if you really wanted, you could even find some way to incorporate a river if it helped you to understand what I'm getting at."
Touji squeaked.
"Oh MY! Damn, I wish those kind of fantasies just popped into MY head! Very creative use of mud. You should be a porno writer, gorilla boy. Though if you wanted the actual thing, arrangements could be made..."
Seeing his face, Celestina decided to stop being cruel and let the poor guy go. She'd tortured him enough for one day, and she had enough material for PWPs to last her a lifetime. She broke the mental link with a snap of her fingers and felt sharp pain accompanying the loss of another consciousness that had been welded with her own, the last vestiges of nerd worship and every possible Tekken Tag Tournament combo fading as she swayed on the bed. She was about to inform Touji that yes, this had been an interesting little interlude but they really MUST be getting on with actual plot-explanation when, buzzing in her pocket, her mobile phone rang.
She grabbed it. "Heya!"
Unamused tones crackled through. "Oh yeah, that was reeeeeeeeeeeaaally necessary. Absolutely. I can totally see how perving at the gorilla's sick mind is VITALLY IMPORTANT to the mission, yup, completely integral, wouldn't be able to do a THING without it -"
"Shut up Kaworu. For your information I was merely demonstrating my powers in order to.. to.. demonstrate them." Celestina sniffed. "And it's not like YOU aren't glued to the TV come 'Shinji Shower Time' - " next to her, she saw Touji choke, and grinned as she continued, "as you've so happily dubbed it?"
"That's different! How would you feel if you'd been trapped for over a year with ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SEX AT ALL..."
There was some muffled screaming and a thump.
"/Sorry about that, deary, Tabris gets a bit excited when it comes to that Ikari boy, but that's no excuse for vulargities. I sent him to the corner for a while, I do hope you don't mind./"
"Not at all, Mrs Lilith."
If Celestina didn't know better, she would have sworn that the ultimate creator of existence sounded rather doting. "/You know, teenagers. Only one thing on their minds, every nine seconds was it?/" She heard a long- suffering groan in the background and could almost hear Kaworu blushing. "/You mustn't judge him by it, the poor thing, it's only hormones. He'll grow out of it, eventually. Maybe. I can't quite remember how long I set for angel adolescence... Oh, what was that? Yes, yes, all right Kaworu, your poor old mum'll stop embarrassing you. I'll hand you over to Rei, shall I, and she'll tell you the plan./"
"Oooo, plan," Celestina said as with some rustling, the phone was passed over. "Rei?"
"Yes. You will communicate this to Suzuhara immediately. You and he are to travel to The First Annual Nerv Training Camp Thing for Really Cool People, which is situated in the largest chocolate shop in the mall. I was removed and sent to Terminal Dogma before I was taken inside..." the distorted whisper paused. "But I believe that Asuka and Misato are being held in that place. You will rescue them."
"Gotcha, gotcha," the girl asserted, trying to ignore Touji's gestures in the background, "But what do we do then?"
"With them, you will rescue us."
Rei may have been about to say more, but she was interrupted by a teenage boy yanking the phone away from Celestina and staring at her incredulously. "Just WHO did you say you were talking to?"
"Gawd, it's not like I haven't already TOLD you. Yo Rei," Celestina said, grabbing his arm and pulling the phone close to her mouth. "Put Lilith, grand creator of Everything on the line."
Man, watermelons were cool. You could dice them and splice them and put them in cocktails and eat them raw and let juice dribble down your chin and spit out the seeds, and you could even, as Kaji was doing now, carve them into pretty little love hearts.
It wasn't something he did everyday. His adoration of his precious herd of melons was so great that he would even stoop to BUYING the fruit if he wanted to eat some. He just couldn't bear to cut his little babies off their stalks. He sometimes thought he heard them crying at night, and would lurch out in his boxer shorts to water them beneath the light of the moon. But today was different. He'd steeled himself, stood firm in his resolve, deadened the weak impulses to run back inside and forget the whole idea as he had advanced on the melon flock, glistening and oblivious in the afternoon heat. He had picked the prime of his crop, the largest and most bloated and beautiful QUEEN of all watermelons, and had somehow made it back to his kitchen staggering the weight. It almost broke his heart to plunge his knife deep into the heart of the striped and wonderful animal, but as pink liquid had bubbled and trickled it's way down the gleaming hide, he'd brightened up. He could always grow another one, and this was a special occasion. Tonight, Kaji the womaniser had a hot date! He was going to the Annual Nerve Dance Party.
To be fair, the womanising part of being Kaji the womaniser had started to be a little bit of a drag, so as of one week ago he'd gone cold turkey and become just plain Kaji. And it worked, too. Even from the first day he'd walked into the office and FAILED to make some smutty remark to Ritsuko, a certain purple head had bobbed up from her desk as surely as if he'd entered the room yelling. Misato had become so used to his philandering ways that the absence of at least one sleazy bit of flattery every five minutes had completely thrown her. Kaji smirked and cut off some rind. At first she was suspicious, and cold, and kept looking at him like he was gonna erupt into a flurry of mocking playboy references any second, but eventually the shock had worn off and the woman he loved had wonderingly, still slightly warily, accepted that he wanted her and ONLY her, and had last Friday agreed to go out PROPERLY with him tonight.
Why hadn't he seen it before? Smiling gently, Kaji fashioned another heart out of the pink flesh and placed it carefully on top of a steadily growing pile. This was going to be the best, most delicious and watermelony dessert Misato had every tasted, and if it wasn't, he looked forward to making desserts for her until it was. Like on a permanent basis. Like if he married her.
He was aware that this probably the strangest and most random notion he had ever come up with, but he paid it no attention as he was just stunned at how STUPID he'd been before. Obviously, chasing around after seventy other women wasn't exactly going to convince Misato that she was his one true hugglebunny, and he was in shock that he'd never REALISED this before. The turning point had been when some girl - no, Rei, it was Rei he remembered, had stopped him on the street and handed him his invitation to Gendo's party thing, and as soon as it had touched his had it had all become so clear. She'd been about to offer him a ..muffin, was it? Some kind of purple pastry, but he had been to distracted by the flood of revelations and ideas spilling into his head that he'd waved it vaguely away, and she'd appeared to think better of it and placed the thing back in his basket. He'd hurried over to Nerv headquarters -
His watch beeped.
Ah, yes, only three hours till the party, he could finish the watermelons later, right now he had to go and pick out some groovy threads...
In flinging off his apron he glanced at the window, and was held by a pair of glowing green eyes.
"Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." said Asuka.
"Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." said Misato.
Said isn't really the right word. The syllable was more gurgled through a glutinous mask of half eaten confectionery as the Really Cool People lay, nearly comatose in the remains of the Annual Nerv Training Camp. 'Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr' can really mean anything, but in this instance it meant 'Oh SWEET GOD - TOO MUCH chocolate - KILL ME NOW.'
They hadn't been stupid enough to start right at the beginning. As soon as they'd come to their senses and realised where they were, an apoplectic Asuka had personally stalked through the shop and ripped apart every single note proclaiming 'Eat me! Grow medically obese!' and 'We'll see who looks good in a plug suit! Ehehehehehe!'. The windows had proved impossible to break, and the fifteen year old bruised her first quite badly punching one in a rage. The walls were unsmashable. There was no chimney, just a room filled with the most delicious smells and exquisite delights, filled with colorful fruity concoctions streaming shining out of the display Misato had trampled into the floor, whirls of velvet chocolate whipped into smooth dollops of heaven, poisoned or not.
After twenty four hours they'd become so thirsty that Asuka had suggested eating the gooey coconut creams just for the moisture, and then Misato discovered the cherry liqueurs...
The devouring began.
And now they were sprawled and bloated, purple and red hair matted with spittle and chocolate, too full and sick and high on the relentless hit of THAT MUCH sugary milky caffeine to do anything other than lie amidst the wreckage and say: 'Urrrrrrrrrrrrr...'. When they could say anything at all.
Misato sort of knew that... date... Kaji... THING... stupid... and she half raised her hand in an effort to do something, but felt it thwack back down onto her stomach (there seemed more of it somehow) with an audible slap. Oh.. fucking.. chocolate urrrrRRRRR - Her body curled in on itself, and with a swooping feeling of nausea she started to retch as the roof exploded.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH - "
THUNK.
Purple eyes snapped open and were instantly filled with dust and fragments of plaster. Something heavy skidded to a half behind her, and she was coughing and moaning as a voice she recognised shouted something about why the HELL did you choose a FLYING MOTORBIKE, and another voice shouted that she was ALLOWED to, before a scream shattered her ear drums.
"OH MY LORD! They really did - they - THEY MADE THEM FAT!"
Tabitha Rei
Tabitha Rei
TABITHA REI
TABITHA WHO FOR THE
REI, WHO FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS FANFICTION WILL BE REFERRED TO AS TABITHA
TABITHA
was singing.
It was a happy song. Very happy in fact, almost happy as the happiness that welled up within her and tingled in little happy currents from the top of her happy pretty head down to her happy little toes. These toes were clad in nine inch platform stilettos, which went well with the scanty yet stylish amounts of black leather that clung to her drool inducing, and yes, happy form.
Tabitha was not a bad person. Not very bad at all. In fact, she mused, as she hummed her sunshiney tune and attempted to force a muffin into the mouth of a terrified teenage boy, if anything she just had too much love in her. She loved Shinji, much more than anybody else did, and she just wanted to help Shinji learn to love himself. How was he supposed to do that, she wondered, as he flinched and tried to wriggle out of her iron grip, when he was surrounded by psychopaths who were just so cruel and nasty to him? Things were much better this way. This past week had been the happiest of both his and her lives, she was sure. Together forever, complete and perfect in their mutual joy, ah! It was so romantic. Shinji had just needed a little help in realising this, that was all. Everybody loved muffins, right?
She'd just got a handful of lurid cakery on the tip of his adorable tongue when the doorbell rang.
Blood red eyes blinked. "Stay here," she whispered, trailing a porcelain finger down the boy's cheek and pushing the morsel into his mouth. "I'll be right back."
She strode elegantly to the door, sleek raven locks wafting behind her in a cloud of delicate ringlets. Raven? She wanted blue hair today, and as she thought it, it was, like a moonlit waterfall framing her elfin face. That was better. The door burst open as soon as she turned the handle.
"HI!"
It was Sanguia, an explosion of purple hair and a squealing voice, jumping inside and wearing a MOST risqué little uniform. Whoa, what was Sanguia doing here? Tabitha hadn't seen her since that rather fun evening in which they broke into terminal dogma and (she smiled) took care of a few minor details. "Hi Sanguia!"
"Hey, Tabitha, YO, you look GREAT!"
"I know. " Tabitha smiled and dusted some imaginary, mortal dust off the collar of her stunningly attractive leather outfit, the likes of which sent men into spasms of worship and lust. "I try. Nice to see you here."
"Ahhhh, it's ok, I was gonna crash your place sooner or later! I thought we could get ready together before the Big Night. And I thought we could prepare..." she tapped her cute little nose. "The ULTIMATE. You know what I mean by... the ULTIMATE, right?"
"Yes."
"Sure?"
"Yes."
"SURE?" Sanguia was looming close enough to be scary.
"YES."
"Good." she said, apparently satisfied. "You look very... Rei, by the way."
"I AM REI."
"So what have you been up to?" her friend asked, rapidly changing the subject as she hopped out the door again, gesturing to somebody outside in the distance. "For god's sake, COME ON - sorry, that wasn't directed at you, about that, anyway?"
"Well you know," Tabitha counted off the items on her fingers. "Being a red hot sex goddess, finding my true love, making Shinji's life wonderful, becoming the kind of myself the person FORMERLY KNOWN as Rei would have been if she'd just taken some initiative - "
"We locked - " Sanguia interrupted, then eyed Tabitha warily. "the person... FORMERLY KNOWN as Rei in Lilith." She sniggered, though in a highly cute and endearing manner. "Heheh. That was funny."
"Baking mind control muffins -"
"Why mind control muffins?"
Tabitha shrugged. "Old school charm? All the best evil chicks feed their loves some form of enchanted snackery?"
"Beware of ovens, my friend. And small children eating your house. And strange blond people wanting sveetenmeaten. "
"I've been doing some redecorating," Tabitha continued.
The shorter girl glanced around the vastly changed hallway. "Yah, I noticed the place looked a little different." It was very black and very red. There were many pictures of Tabitha. And Shinji. Of Tabitha and Shinji, together, in fact, in poses many would deem pornographic, though mostly there were pictures of Tabitha. "Nice, um, shrine devoted to the worship of you. I especially like the life sized statue on the massive golden pedestal, wearing... " she leaned in closer. "Not.. much at all, on closer inspection."
Tabitha's liquid eyes shone with the sheer happiness of it all. The statue had been her favourite part, especially forcing that hot guy she'd picked up off this street to lovingly fashion it topless for hours on end. "I make Shinji pray to it every day! There's some dancing caged men who perform musical numbers in praise of my greatness for me out back, but he doesn't know about them yet. I thought I'd show him my whip collection on Monday! Anyway, how are you?"
"Goooooooooooood!" Sanguia yelled, punching the air and striking her genki of genki attitudes. "Kensuke is the bestest best boyfriend a girl could ever have, Touji is soooooo much fun to annoy, school just ROCKS, and I even found you a present on the way here! Take it away, K-kun!"
Oh yes. That nerd Sanguia seemed to have developed an obsession with. Tabitha couldn't personally fathom the attraction, but Sanguia had repeatedly assured her that he really WAS cool and cute and nice and gorgeous, really, once you got to know him! And Tabitha let her think that. It meant more Shinji for Tabitha.
"Take it away, K-kun...?"
There was a short silence while they stood in the hallway near the open door.
"I SAID... TAKE IT AWAY, K-KUN!"
Muffled panting sounded, and a massive writhing monstrous ball of red paper and yellow ribbon smashed through the doorway, carried on the back of a stumbling and sweating Kensuke. He looked up at Sanguia, tottered a second, then collapsed, the undulating present crashing on top of him.
The two girls carried on regardless.
"Ah, that's so sweet of you!" exclaimed Tabitha, before adding suspiciously, "What is it?"
Sanguia jumped up and down. "Open it! Open it up and see!"
Kneeling next to the crushed and unconscious nerd, Tabitha tentatively tugged at one of the many massive bows. Nothing happened. She unraveled a little more and felt it move beneath her fingers but still -
A hand shot up, ripping through the paper and clawing at her face, and the entire ball began to violently rock and shake. Sanguia started to scream.
"Aaaaaiiiiiiiiii, noooooo, KAJI, don't behave like this, I COMMAND YOU..."
"You got me KAJI?" Tabitha yelled over her shoulder as she wrestled with the thing, rolling it of Kensuke and straddling it, pinning it to the ground and biting the one free flailing arm with pearly white sharp little teeth.
"Yeah!" shouted Sanguia, hopping from foot to foot. She was obviously trying to decide whether she could be bothered to help, but evidently the extent of effort she was prepared to sacrifice ended at cringing as the arm grabbed a hunk of cascading frosted blue hair. "And I dressed him up all cute in a funky outfit too, 'cept he wouldn't completely do what I wanted and he wasn't very happy but I thought he'd be ok while I brought him here..."
"The REASON," Tabitha gasped as she backflipped to her feet and richoched off the wall, "You weren't able to control him was," as she spun gracefully in mid air, "that I," as her voice rose to a scream and she slammed the full force of her wickedly pointed heel into the half destroyed mass of paper, "GOT TO HIM *FIRST*."
The Kaji-present crumpled against a wall.
"Nice kung fu."
"Wasn't it?"
Kensuke chose this moment to groan and fumble for his glasses, and Sanguia remembered he existed again.
"K-KUN!" she screeched, bounding over to flop down beside him and pull his head on to her lap. "My poor baby! You're all dead and stuff! And your glasses got nearly broken - this is just WRONG!"
Kensuke's eyes fluttered open, but as they were greeted with a sudden vision of patented Mary-Sue cleavage, they immediately glazed over and returned him to a state of semiconciousness again. Sanguia tutted and patted him vaguely before turning back to Tabitha and asking, "Just a second... Whaddaya mean, got to him first?"
"I got to him first," replied Tabitha, observing the drool trickling down Aida's cheek with amusement. "I had actually got this- " she gestured to the Kaji-pile, "to decide he wanted to marry Misato. He was gonna propose at our dance party tonight."
Sanguia's eyes went wide. "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey," she said. "That's not actually too bad an idea. Those two are actually kind of cute together! Except - " her face turned hard and twin emerald spheres of light narrowed in anger, "For that fact that we've imprisoned Misato in a chocolate shop for the CRIME of being a possible love interest for Kensuke!"
"Meh," said Tabitha, waving a slim white hand dismissively. "I think by NOW you've got the problem under control. And besides, I wasn't even thinking about the real Misato. See, I had a plan." The five foot dominatrix leant against the wall and grinned, preparing for yet another speech that would demonstrate the brilliance of Tabitha. "As I already had obtained my specified Mary Sue love interest, I could not blind little Kaji-kins to his love for Katsuragi the traditional way. I didn't want to lock him up, because he is just to purdy to rot in a chocolate shop, nor could I just leaving him running around as, being a clever cookie, he might have found a way to bust the Eva girls out of there. So what did I do? Being the incredibly intelligent person that I am, I kept, even AMPLIFIED his adoration of the purple one, but - " she took a step forward and pointed straight up in the air, "the person he THINKS is Misato is not her, but ME!"
Sanguia looked at her pointedly.
"I mean US!"
"Man, that is the coolest plan EVER! Kaji's so fwuffy and adorable that it just makes sense to have him around for some kinky random body snatching MANservice. Oh, oop, should I have left him where he was?" the smaller girl asked wonderingly, abandoning Kensuke's head to the floor with a THUMP and crawling over to scrabble at the present. "I can put him back, if you want..."
"Nah, it's fine," Tabitha told her. "It's actually kind of convenient to have him here. If I'd known you were gonna bring him round I'd have broken the lock I'd put on his mind." There was a subtle shifting in the universe. "There. You can make him do what you wanted now."
"Hurraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Several things happened at once.
There are few sights more simultaneously amusing and disturbing than a grown green haired man suddenly erupting from a pile of red and yellow wrapping paper wearing nothing but a pair of furry pink hot pants with a cotton tail coupled with bunny ears. There are even fewer sights more simultaneously amusing and disturbing if he does this while dancing suggestively and singing at the top of his voice to, as the music spontaneously exploded into being, the Spice Girls' very own WANNABE.
Kaji did it very well, considering that his brain was floating off somewhere in a fuzzy pink mist, and the ground was vibrating with the noise. He certainly had the hip bucking down as he grooved towards the two girls. "YO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT!"
"So tell us what you want, what you really really want?" they answered, grabbing his hands.
"I WANNA HAH - "
"Hah!"
"HAH!"
"Hah!"
"I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANNA ZIG A ZIG AH~!"
"Truly, this is the best random I'm-just-gonna-give-you-a-present-for-the- hell-of-giving-you-a-present I have ever received!" shrieked Tabitha happily over the music, shaking her thang all around the hallway.
"I KNOW! " squealed Sanguia, "I just ROCK for thinking of it, no need to thank me! Oh, and I just want to point out: " she turned and pointed her finger in the air. "Really COOL people, so COOL that they are not even destined for confectionery shops kinda cool have reached the point where they have grown UNASHAMED of their love of the Spice Girls, even though they also listen to many other socially acceptable forms of music -"
Kaji had by this point found the now conscious and cowering in a corner Kensuke. Sanguia never got a chance to finish her sentence, because in one swift moment, the former romancer of all things beer swilling had slung her new boyfriend up onto his shoulder and was skipping his way towards the living room.
"Hey! He's getting away!" she started.
Tabitha giggled and danced after them. "It's ok! That's just the place where I keep Shinji, they can meet each other!"
"YEAH! They can meet! And have meetsies! And become friendsies! BESTEST friendsises..."
"IF YOU WANNA BE MY LOVER!" they sang, "YOU GOTTA GET WITH MY - "
The door opened.
The music stopped.
The couch, though dented and covered in purple crumbs, had nobody on it.
Shinji was gone.
----------------------------------------------------------------
To be continued. HORRIBLY continued.
This is the fanfiction which I am CURRENTLY MOST ASHAMED OF. An honour, yes? I wish to disassociate myself from it right now and spend the next four days regretting posting it and clinging desperately to the last remaining shreds of my dignity and self respect.
Pairings: Asuka/Shinji, Kaworu/Shinji, Kensuke/Touji, Misato/Kaji, Rei/Touji, Rei/Gendo, Gendo/Eva 03, Pen Pen/? and Mary Sues/EVERYBODY
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The ultimate cure for writer's block: write yourself a nonsensical, slashy, fluffy, craptacular, unedited self insertion fic starring YOU and your FRIENDS in beautiful, gravity defying Mary Sue forms, and then pass it off as a 'parody' and post it on fanfiction.net! The three most common types of female self insertions are covered here, though expect to see Gary Stue and the abysmal Slarry Stue make appearance if the whim takes me.
But how does any rational person enjoy a Mary Sue? By IDENTIFYING.
So pick a Mary Sue, any Mary Sue, and IDENTIFY with her. Make her thoughts and feelings your own. Sob shamelessly during her short periods of angst! Rejoice in her victories! Her many, MANY victories! Then sit back and relax and wait for slashy goodness. Heh. Works for me.
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The First Annual Bumper Balooza Annual Nerv Mary Sue Dance Party (An Instructional Tale of the Best Intentions Gone Horribly Horribly Wrong)
Starring:
Sanguia ~ a parasitic mary sue working for the forces of evil.
Celestina ~ a shameless mary sue working for the forces of good.
Tabitha Rei ~ a parasitic mary sue working for the forces of e
Shinji's new muffin' bakin' girlfriend.
Kensuke ~ a nerd.
Touji ~ a gorilla, and owner of nerd.
Shinji ~ a confused young man.
Asuka ~ a feisty bitch, and owner of confused young man.
Misato ~ an alcoholic.
Kaji ~ a watermelon molester
Ritsuko ~ a cat molester
Gendo ~ an eva molester.
Disco!Gendo ~ a being of incredible beauty beyond all comprehension.
EVA 01 ~ a funky dance partner.
Lilith ~ the creator of all life.
Kaworu ~ a suave bachelor and arch nemesis.
Rei ~ the other half of Lilith, trapped in her creator's body by the evil Ann THE REAL REI IS ALREADY IN THIS FANFIC
Hikari ~ your WORST NIGHTMARE.
*BA - BUM!*
Deep within the bowels of central dogma, in a glass paneled observation station, one man sat. He wasn't a very attractive man, or kind, or witty, but as he stared out over Nerv headquarters stretching before him, it occurred to the man that having total power to control the second largest military organization in Japan quite made up for these things. The question was: to use this power for good... or for evil?
In the darkness below, dim white figures scurried around, stringing long wires over the quietly beeping Magi and brushing against the folds of towering cloth covered silhouettes. Little trucks parted the crowds like dogs among geese, wheeling strange equipment and rough crates which fell off with ominous CRUNCHES. From the whispered swearings of the workers to the muffled cracklings of a thousand boxes being broken open with trembling hands, everywhere there was an air of crushed anticipation, excitement, and even fear.
Gendo Ikari adjusted his glasses, and smiled.
"Let the First Annual Bumper Balooza Annual Nerv Dance Party begin."
Touji Suzuhara was sprawled out on his bed, and he was sulking. Flies buzzed angrily against the window pane, black against the blinding warm sunlight, but he ignored them and grumpily rolled over to glare at the cold wall. This was not how he normally spent his Saturday. There were a million other better things he used to do on weekends; things like running, and kicking stuff, or going to the mall, or making out with Hikari, or kicking Kensuke's arse at Quake.
Used to do.
Which was why he was here and sulking right now. Well, he could still do the other things, but he just didn't feel like it. Kicking stuff wasn't half as fun when there was nobody to kick it at. Running got boring when you didn't have somebody to run after, and dunk his head in the bubbler when you caught him. Nope, all in all, it was far more satisfying to lie here with arms folded and fume about shitheads who reject their friends. Not that he cared.
Touji knew that he technically didn't have a right to fume about Hikari, as he was the one who rejected HER, but after the way she'd acted he decided to do it anyway. Stupid Hikari. She'd always seemed so sweet, and innocent, and the kind of person who tied little checker bows around his sandwiches, for god's sake. But then... all right, making out, he could handle. Fooling around was all good in Touji's books, and he tended to get nosebleeds if the conversation progressed any further than that. When Hikari produced the handcuffs, he nearly died from blood loss. It was when she brought out the whip, and the chain, and the leather pointy thing Touji didn't even know what WAS that he started to get worried, and when she pushed him onto the floor holding nipple clamps in her teeth, well - running screaming from the room seemed a good idea at the time. His ex-girlfriend had not taken this gesture well. Those nipple clamps HURT, especially when used on things that weren't nipples. He still had the scars. As a result, he hadn't had any "lovin'" for a very long time, had started avoiding Hikari in corridors, and had jumped when anybody mentioned the word 'pincers'. It was really embarrassing. Not to mention how the girl had acted all heartbroken at school, and made it all out to be HIS fault, 'not understanding her', 'never communicating', 'pressuring her for sex'. Bitch.
Grudgingly, Touji knew that Aida had actually been really... nice after the Grand Cataclysmic Breakup. The guy didn't HAVE to go back to her house and pick up Touji's stuff, and some of the scratch marks on Kensuke's arms afterwards had been just NASTY. But Kensuke was that kind of guy. Touji knew people who would have laughed in his face to high heaven if he'd just told them something like that. Hell, he himself would have, probably. But Aida didn't. He had been a little strange, but he'd believed him and stuck up for him and stopped teaching Hikari how to do equations and tried not very well to make up stupid words that rhymed with her name, like 'bitch...car...tree'. Things like that. That was why they were best friends, he guessed. Then Touji remembered.
No, they weren't best friends any more. The boy scowled at the plaster. Against every single law in the entire universe, Kensuke Aida had got a girlfriend.
It wasn't that he was a nerd, and nerds shouldn't have anything to do with girls. It was just that... Kensuke was HIS nerd. Since the day they met in year two, Touji had always thought of Aida as HIS best friend to do stuff with, to hang out with, to help him with him with his homework, to stay up all night playing playstation with. HIS nerd to run around like an idiot with a camera, and camp out in a rice field and grin when Touji paid him out, even to sit and listen to while Kensuke rattled off the names of every single empire aircraft from Star Wars just because he could. Touji had never really been able to voice what he felt and had never been into all that touchy-feelings crap, but Kensuke had known that he was HIS goddamn best friend. And Aida had never seemed to mind it when they were younger and Touji got possessive, maybe because Touji getting possessive was the only thing that prevented him from getting beaten up every morning. But they were friends. Together. Touji and Kensuke, Kensuke and Touji. So he had just kind of assumed that whatever he did, Kensuke would be there and ready to listen to him and laugh about it and make really bad jokes. And that was probably why it sucked so much now he wasn't.
Suddenly Aida stopped calling him every night babbling about which database he'd just hacked into, suddenly he couldn't make it to Touji's house to play Melee til their eyeballs hurt. They used to walk home together, but for some reason Kensuke was never around after school anymore. He'd sit in class staring at space in a dream, ignoring Touji's notes saying that Captain Falcon was SOOOOOOO GAY and that Samus was gonna THRASH him tonight (something which had never before failed to provoke a reaction) and smiling at nothing at all. Touji had tried to talk to him about it. He'd even tried to bash Aida a couple of times, but the guy had just grinned goofily and mumbled something before wandering off in a daze. Guiltily, Touji admitted that he HAD acted a little like that when he was with Hikari, but this was different, ok? And then, last Wednesday, SHE walked into class.
Drop dead gorgeous. Tiny, little, cute with huge green eyes and cascading purple hair that couldn't possibly ever be that shiny, uniform tight over the kind of body that would have made him salivate on sight in any normal circumstances, but for some reason he felt nothing. Strutting in like she owned the place, tossing her head and placing one foot precisely after the other, beautiful and aware of it. But as the class stared at her in awe, was he the only one who noticed how totally fake she was? How in every movement there was egotism, every seductive flicker of an eyelash was completely contrived, how there was either something there that was ugly and unnecessary, or something terribly, terribly missing? Something about her, not REAL, not RIGHT. Was he the only one who saw her look straight at him and smile like a shark, threats and malice sparkling in her viridian eyes - hell, he didn't even KNOW the word viridian before he saw her - was he the only one whose mouth wasn't hanging open as she flicked her shimmering silvery bangs out of her perfect crystalline orbs of - NO! What the hell was he THINKING?
He'd turned to the desk next to him, and seen Kensuke's face. He looked so happy, eyes shining that something hurt inside and he whirled around to stare at the girl.
"My name's... Sanguia," she giggled, voice clear and sweet and exotic. "I'm the new... exchange student from Australia."
She smirked, strode over and kissed Kensuke on the mouth.
Aida had been dating her for a week. A whole fucking week since she'd moved into the apartment next to him and he'd never even bothered to tell him. Never mind the uproar after the kiss, everybody dying to know about Kensuke's beautiful secret exchange student girlfriend who everybody except one person seemed to have fallen in love with, people actually coming to Touji expecting him to tell THEM what was going on as he sat alone at lunchtime wanting to smash something - he hadn't even had a chance to YELL at the loser yet, because he'd been swooning in the arms of Sanguia twenty four hours a day since. Touji wasn't sure which hurt - no, he wasn't hurt. Not hurt at all, just pissed off, which PISSED HIM OFF more, that Aida had kept it a secret or that Aida was acting like such an idiot now. Probably having to find out from that gloating cow, Hikari, of all people, that she was actually Kensuke's long lost childhood sweetheart that Touji wasn't even aware EXISTED was the last straw. He just couldn't believe that Kensuke didn't say. Anything. He couldn't even BELIEVE that Aida could even GET a girlfriend. He knew Kensuke was a horny little bastard, but he'd never grasped how you talked to girls, and seemed to prefer weapons magazines to romantic movies. Touji didn't know much about chicks either, but he knew enough to know that no girl had EVER considered Kensuke as boyfriend material. Though it wasn't because Aida was ugly... Alarm bells started to ring in his mind. He could think this as long as he made it absolutely clear that he wasn't gay, ok? ..Aida was actually quite... good looking, actually. Not in the normal kind of way, and you wouldn't notice it unless you knew him, but he did have ...nice cheekbones, and behind his glasses his eyes were warm and brown, and he had a, a good smile, and he was skinny but not bad skinny, and his freckles were even kinda ... cute.
CUTE? Oh god, no way, he was NOT thinking this, this was so wrong! The boy grabbed his head in his hands. Shut up, shut up! The only reason he even thought that was because - Aida was such a puny little weakling he looks half like a chick anyway, ok? 'No he doesn't', came his mind. 'He looks - '
SHUT UP. Touji and his mind had been disagreeing lately. Ever since that bitch Sanguia had joined their class he started thinking totally GAY things which were just weird. Embarrassing and weird. If the he'd bothered to think back he would have remembered the embarrassing weirdness had started a bit before Sanguia's arrival, but she definitely made it worse and he needed something to blame it on. It was just... he didn't like the way she TOUCHED Aida all the time. All she did was hang off him at every available opportunity, arms round his neck, hands on his face, whispering in his ear in that oh-so-sexy little accent of hers that turned Touji's stomach. It was just creepy, and, and annoying, and Touji had to watch it all day, hunched up and glowering from his desk. Running her fingers through Aida's hair, like she, she owned him or something. It was the owning that got to Touji the most, made him so angry. That and the fact that his best friend hadn't said two words to him in the last three days. Naturally, Sanguia had taken the seat on the other side of Kensuke, presumably so she could maul him and see Touji's face at the same time. He swore the bitch knew -
He froze.
Not that there was anything TO know, but the insane cow must have thought she was doing something, because why else would she glance at him as she dragged Aida off at lunch, wink at him while she whisked off Aida's glasses from behind in the way that Touji remembered was how HE used to when they were kids. Almost like she was trying to make him jealous. And it wasn't working, all right?! It was like the crazy bitch was trying mess with his mind or something! It felt like she was messing with everybody else's mind. She'd arrived on Wednesday, and she'd already been given, what, 16 titles already? Everything from Form Captain to positions their drooling teacher had invented on the spot, such as Monitor of Excellence. Now, Touji was aware that he wasn't that bright, but he KNEW Mr Fukuyama. And Touji KNEW that Mr Fukuyama would have chucked a full on fit had anybody else come to school wearing thigh high buckled leather platform boots, but in Sanguia's case he didn't seem to notice, or care. For some reason, even though she'd only met them three days ago and acted like an arrogant brat, by Friday she'd become best friends with EVERYBODY in the entire class (with the exception of Shinji, Asuka and Rei who'd been off on a training camp or something that week) and people had been FIGHTING over who would bring her food from the cafeteria. It was just wrong! Kensuke was DIFFERENT now, strange, and distant, and - and in LOVE with that cow, and letting her DO that to him, and Touji just wanted to -
Oh god. No. Weird. Embarrassing. Aaaaaaaargh, why was this HAPPENING to him? The boy on the bed shut his eyes tight. He HAD to stop doing this. He didn't care, not about that stupid fucking nerd and his bitch girlfriend. Maybe if he bashed himself it this feeling would go away, this... hurting feeling. Like he wanted cry, or something.
He slammed a tanned fist into his stomach.
The feeling did not go away.
Damnit. He tried again, grunting at the pain and forgetting for a second about Kensuke, and Sanguia, and how he'd felt when HIS fucking nerd had just walked away, how he felt when SHE put her arms around him, so he did it again, and again, until he couldn't think about anything.
A sudden movement made him look up.
It was his sister, Mari in the doorway, staring at him in a rather scared manner. "Um," she began, warily. "Touji..."
He hastily stopped punching himself and tried not very successfully to look as if this was a normal, everyday occurrence. "Yeah?"
"You have a visitor..." And with that his sister threw open the door fully and scampered off. Behind it was a tall, willowy young woman, with sparkling blond hair pulled back into a high pony tail, gigantic, clunky but never-the-less sexy platform boots, a short skirt, an ankle length brown trench coat, finely pointed elven ears, an embarrassed hand over her forehead and a pained expression.
"Touji." she sighed. "Have you been punching yourself again?"
He looked uncomfortable. "Um. ... No." Random chicks didn't visit him everyday, let alone random hot chicks, let alone random hot chicks who catch him doing something kinda, well, stupid. "Who are you?" he blurted out.
"Celestina," the girl replied, whipping a white mobile phone out of her pocket and revealing the darkest pair of violet eyes Touji had ever seen, large and glittering... and at the moment, highly irritated. "Hey, Lilith," she said, snapping it open. "Whaddaya MEAN I'm as bad as them? I'm entitled to look nice, aren't I? Hey, I'm doing YOU the favour. It's not THAT bad, at least he's not throwing himself in my arms. Mmmhmm, yup, he's here. Oh, get Kaworu off the line! Wha - that was SO not mature, Kaworu. Whatever -- HEY! Shut up! Oh, Rei, thank gawd SOMEBODY actually wants to - you're sick Kaworu, seriously - no I will NOT tell him that - look, Shinji's life is Shinji's business - just - EVERYBODY SHUT UP!"
There was a pause. "So I'm supposed to...? Ok. Hey, you were the one who said that this might be safer than just planting information directly in my brain. It's not my fault I'm human! Oh, shut up, stupid angels. I notice YOU'RE the ones trapped in Lilith. They've gone to far this time. Will you let me talk to the poor guy? I KNOW. Snorf. Snorf snorf. Hehehe! I'll get to that, I'll get to that. Uhuh. Yup. Ok. Bye!"
The girl shut the phone with a clack. "I think you and I," she shoving it into the pocket of the jacket, "Should have a little talk."
Sanguia swaggered. It was a good swagger, and she knew it. Heads turned and food was dropped as she breezed across the park, sending flurries of adjectives popping into unsuspecting brains as her shimmering lilac locks flew like a silken waterfall away from her delicate china face and incandescent liquid emerald eyes. Glancing sidelong, she tried to shoot a dazzling smile at her new 'boyfriend', but he wasn't beside her and all she managed to do was make several grown men fall off a park bench. What?
She glanced backwards she saw that Kensuke had stopped several metres behind. He was mumbling and kept on trying to check the time on his digital camera then staring up in confusion at her, appearing quite (if Sanguia did say so herself about her darling Aida-kun) silly. People had even stopped paying attention to HER to look at him, which just wasn't right! Damn. And she was so sure she'd taken him over completely.
Pouting prettily, she strutted over and gently took his arm. "What's the matter, love?"
The boy looked from side to side, as if he didn't really see her, murmuring. "I - I - today... I was supposed to... Touji's house..."
Ah. Touji. How annoying! Like, the guy was fun to torment and stuff, but Kensuke used to INSIST on thinking about him all the time. She thought she'd broken K-kun of that little habit, by nipping every inconvenient thought in the bud, like 'I really like Tou-' 'I should ring Tou-' and 'Touji's say somethi-', but obviously not. It took constant attention. It seemed like he needed some more patented Sanguia loving right now. "Kensuke." Holding his chin, she pulled his camera away and forced him to look straight into her narrowed eyes. "You don't like Touji, do you? You love ME, don't you? Not him. Me. Remember, darling...?"
"You...?"
"Yes. ME. Don't you remember all the times we used to play together when we were little, and how you cutely promised always to protect me? And how you've been reunited with me at last, since I moved to Neo Tokyo all these years later and how you nearly burst with happiness when you saw me? Because you'd been pining away for me since the moment your heart was ripped out when I was torn cruelly from you by my family moving to Australia, and how you repeated every single night the vow you made always to be true with manly tears running from your eyes? Remember how I'm your universe, your shining star, your one true love for the rest of eternity, REMEMBER?" Around her, she felt things subtly come back into place. Of course all this had happened. Kensuke had just forgotten for a while.
"Eternity..." the boy blinked, rapidly. "Um. Yeah..." And then his eyes were gazing into hers again, practically overflowing with just the kind of eternal love Sanguia had personally put there. "Yeah! I don't know, I must be feeling sick or something... For a second, I..." for a moment he looked worried, but then he shrugged and grinned at her shyly, the morning sun glancing off his camera held slack at his side. "...I can't remember. It probably wasn't important. Though..."
Before his face had a chance to darken, Sanguia leapt in with a kiss, crushing rose petals lips against his. She could practically hear his head swimming. They broke off, the cute nerd flushed and breathless. "Never mind."
It hadn't been easy. They'd had to go against every sacred law of writing, turn against everything they'd been taught, regress back to their days of fanfiction infancy, but Sanguia and Tabitha had managed it. They were supposed to be innocent self-insertions, minor plot devices to help in what had begun as a simple shounen-ai and had turned into something far more sinister, but the instant they entered they had felt the sheer, absolute POWER surging through them.
It had taken them a week to succumb to the dark side.
Vaguely she wondered what Tabitha was up to. They hadn't really kept in touch the way they'd planned, mostly because they'd both been too busy with their own agendas, like making up their former lives on the spot, exuding charisma, incredible beauty, stuff like that. And Tabitha had headed off for Nerv headquarters, while Sanguia had dropped by to perform a few personal errands at the apartment next door to a certain Mr Aida. There HADbeen a woman living there previously, but she didn't seem to mind just walking out and sleeping in the street. The girl giggled. Tabitha would approve. Come to think of it, the last time she'd actually spoken to Tabitha was the next day, when... she smirked. They'd, well, DISPOSED of the competition. Oh, poor Asuka. Poor Misato. Poor Rei. Poor little Shinji, all alone with only Tabitha to look after him. Now THAT would have been fun. Maybe she should pay Tabitha a visit. Tonight? No, not tonight. She'd nearly forgotten. Tonight was to be her finest hour. Fine then, how about right now?
As she strode down the footpath, complete in her beauty and her True Love at her side, being a Mary Sue had never been this good.
Shinji Ikari was scared. Very very VERY scared. Much more scared than his normal, everyday level of scaredness which, living with Asuka, was already very high. He was beyond scared. He was TERRIFIED. For an entire week since they'd left he'd been living in a waking NIGHTMARE - and as he glanced towards the distant sounds of scraping and singing coming from the kitchen and tried not to cry, HE JUST WANTED TO WAKE UP.
It had all started a week ago, with the mail. Misato walking in, confused with a big brown envelope in her hands, Asuka jumping up, red hair flying to snatch it from her and tear it open. He'd only got a quick glance at the message before they both screamed at him to get back to making dinner, but what he'd seen had read:
The First Annual Nerv Training Camp Thing for Skinny Bitches Who Are Threats To Our Men Really Cool People.
Invited: Misato, Asuka and Rei
Shinji had ducked over the fish he was chopping, ready for the screams of indignation and, ultimately, some of this indignation being taken out on him. But nothing happened. Trembling, he crept back into the hall. The two women were standing there, motionless.
"I think we should go," said Asuka in an odd hollow sort of voice.
"Yes. I think we should go." Misato echoed. And they did. Right then and there, marching out the door in their pajamas. The boy stood in shock for a second, then dropped the kitchen knife and tried to run after them, but his path was suddenly blocked by a shadow in the doorway.
Her face was Rei's. Her voice was Rei's. But Shinji knew that she was NOT Rei.
Maybe it was her hair. It was blue, yes, but it tumbled down her back in shining ringlets, little tendrils framing deep and beautiful blood red eyes. Maybe it was the way she grinned like a tiger. Maybe it was the fact that she was wearing a leather dominatrix outfit and stilettos. Maybe it was the way he spontaneously developed a nosebleed, but whatever the reason, this was not the girl he knew. But then she opened her mouth.
"Shinji..."
And he felt it all slipping away. Yes. This was Rei. She was his... girlfriend. And... they'd been together for... two years. In the back of his mind something tried tell him about people called Asuka, and Kaworu, but as her voice washed over him he knew he'd never known anybody like that. And she pushed him gently backwards onto the sofa, and stroked his cheek, and said all these nice, nice things, then moved off into the kitchen to bake him... muffins.
But the odd thing was, while she was away from him his mind cleared and he realised he was alone and Asuka and Misato were gone and there was this strange girl telling him lies in his KITCHEN baking him MUFFINS. He didn't even LIKE muffins! He tried not to panic, he tried not to hyperventilate. She had been... nice... but he knew he had to get out of here right now, or else -
But then a gleaming tray of monstrous cakes was shoved under his nose, sickly and purple and smelling so... good...
"Eat up, Shinji." Her voice was low, and lovely, and he found himself grabbing one and stuffing it into his mouth, and everything dissolved as he looked up into a pair of smiling crimson eyes.
From that moment on, it had all been a blur. Everywhere there were muffins, MUFFINS, and she was making him eat them, but he didn't mind, or care, because he LOVED her, Rei, his girlfriend, his perfect girlfriend in his perfect life, who he held in his strong masculine arms (did he even HAVE strong masculine arms? he couldn't remember or care) and cherished above all things and worshipped and obeyed and gave his soul to and held and loved, and it was the happiest time of his life. And whenever he felt unhappy... but he never felt unhappy, because he was always eating a muffin and stroking her long glistening hair, which was sometimes blue and sometimes black, and even though he knew that something should be wrong about that he just couldn't work out what it was. His. His Rei. His Rei who just wanted him to be happy, just wanted to do things for him and be with him so he didn't hate himself so much, but of course he didn't do that because Rei didn't want him to. He didn't even know what day it was as they ran into each other in a sugary dream, and he thought he could remember once feeling trapped like a puppet on a string and not REAL and not himself, and that Rei was actually... different? but the next minute he couldn't and it had never happened at all and he was back, with her, in her arms. Everything had floated by, happy and wonderful and he never wanted it to stop. He remembered her getting dressed (or did the clothes just appear on her?) to leave that morning for the first time, and he felt like something was wrenched in his chest as the world was flung from beneath his feet and he felt a void of darkness reaching up to swallow him at the thought of being parted. But she touched him with her slim cool fingers and told him that she had put out a tray of muffins for him on the kitchen bench, and won't he eat them and remember her? She'd be back soon...
He'd tried to eat them. He really did. He WANTED to eat them, though not as much as he wanted to break down the door she'd locked and run after her. But he'd slipped, and the plate had smashed into the sink and the waste disposal had been on, and he'd stumbled backwards into the cupboard and it had shaken open and Pen-Pen had fallen out, stuffed in a cereal box with a bit of cloth pushed into his beak...
It was like waking out of a dream. He sat frozen next to the unconscious bird and with the grating of the waste in the background and it was like layers were being stripped away, like sounds that were fuzzy and muted were becoming clearer and clearer.
He remembered who he was.
He remembered who she wasn't.
And he got scared.
He couldn't move when he heard the key scrabbling in the lock, could only sit as a shadow fell across him and she saw the china shards and purple mush in the sink. He felt it creeping back into him again, filters falling across his brain, but a small ball of terror burned feebly in the darkness whispering: 'Kaworu... anybody...'
And now he'd been forced onto the couch, made to stay there until she was finished. He could hear the clink of a spoon, the whir of a processor - she was going to make him eat more, and he'd lose himself again in that tide flooding over his senses, become another person who simply loved and obeyed. He wished he had the strength to fight it, to just get up and leave, but his legs wouldn't work and part of him still loved her (what was he talking about? she was Rei) and NEEDED to choke down those moist mounds of poison (because he was happy and he needed her) and as the kitchen door opened he felt precious memories spilling away like rain, strange and blurry. She bent down and picked one up, plump and steaming in her tiny white hand.
He reached out to take it when the doorway bell rang.
Usually, Kaworu was bored. Being fused with your creator just wasn't all it was cracked up to be, and there's a limited amount of things you can get up to when you exist inside your mother's mind. In fact, if he'd had his time over again he SO would've just wriggled out of Eva 01's hand and escaped to a pineapple plantation with Shinji or something. He had liked his death scene though. Very dramatic. He'd watched it quite a few times as a distraction while he was trying to ignore the guilty feeling rising in his stomach when he tuned into the real world and saw the poor boy sobbing his heart out. In retrospect, the whole messy business had been a nasty affair all round. But from what he'd seen, Shinji seemed to have gotten over it. Sort of.
Because basically, watching him was all Kaworu did all day. Despite being physically chained to a cross in central dogma, being the source of all life did have its perks and though Lilith couldn't actually communicate with her children, she could See and Hear all. She'd thoughtfully provided Kaworu with a large screen TV so he could do this too (the mind of the creator worked in mysterious ways). So for the past year Kaworu had lounged around inside the misty recesses of Lilith's consciousness watching a kind of permanent Big Brother. He mostly tuned into the Shinji channel, though the Asuka channel was usually the most interesting and some of the things that went on on the Misato channel deserved an un-cut marathon all to themselves. He had also learnt never to switch on Gendo after nine o clock at night. He wasn't even sure that was legal. Kaworu had cooked CRUMPETS in that toaster. He watched the lives of the Eva kids evolve like an incredibly slow moving soap opera; he had giggled when Kaji dressed up as a watermelon for halloween, smirked when Hikari stabbed her photos of Touji with a sacrificial knife, thrown mental popcorn at the screen when Pen-Pen destroyed Rei's entire bloody bandage collection by eating them, learnt far too much about Klingons to be healthy just by reading over Kensuke's shoulder, jumped up and down screaming "FINALLY!" when Asuka smashed Shinji's walkman in a fit of rage...
It wasn't all as entertaining. There were very long patches of monotony while everyone was asleep, for instance. Or when they were at school, or at work, or when the annoying things just sat there and stared out the window. Day after day, watching but never, EVER able to participate, it got very tedious.
However, Kaworu was not bored now. He was extremely angry, for two reasons. Number one: some goddamn Mary Sues had invaded his universe and, just as Shinji had started to turn normal, were screwing around with his favourite person's mind, and number two: as a result, he now had to share his room with the most selfish annoying stupid little sister ever!
Yes. That's right. Exactly one week ago, SHE had rocked up in Lilith's mind expecting to sleep in HIS space, and use all HIS stuff. Just because Rei had told some pathetic little story in her pathetic little voice about being 'forced to merge against her will' and 'the two being stronger than any she had ever seen' Lilith had actually AGREED with her, was like MEAN to him, and tried tell him that Rei WAS her other half, and he wouldn't turn away his own mummy, would he? It was so not the same thing! He'd tried suggesting that clone-girl could go and stay with... Adam, for example, or at least on the opposite cranial hemisphere, but mother would have none of that. She'd even tried to get Kaworu to think of her as 'the little sister he'd never had'. He didn't want a little sister! He wanted his couch back, and his bed back, and most of all he wanted the remote back. Rei watched the most boring stuff!
"Muuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum!" he wailed.
/What?/
"Rei's hogging the TV again! All she ever does is watch GENDO making that stupid Bumpa Wumpa dance party thing! You said I could have it in half an hour, you said, you said -"
/Your sister is watching that because she's trying to work out the Mary Sue's plans, which you might give a little thought to, occasionally. And besides, all YOU'RE going to do is watch the one called 'Tabitha' playing with Shinji again, and you know how upset that makes you. Now why don't you go for a nice walk around my brain? I'll make you a park, if you want.../
"I don't wanna go to a park! I wanna go see what that bitch -"
/Kaworu! You know how I feel about swearing in this plain of existence!/
"But she is a bi - "
/TABRIS! Don't make me raise my voice!/
"... Fine. That nasty sadistic highly unpleasant girl then. But I need to see what she's up to! Who KNOWS what evil stuff she's doing to him! She could be making him watch Dragon Ball Z, or dress up as Spider-man, or giving him HOBBIT HAIR!" the angel screeched. "It's not fair, Rei's had it ALL DAY, I wanna see him, MUUUUUM - "
/That's enough! You'll never get what you want by nagging! If you're so bored, you can clean up your room. Or, Celestina's just about to talk to Touji. You can both watch that, if you want./
Oh. Yeah. The girl Lilith found. Simmering with the injustice of it all, Kaworu sulkily chose the latter. At least Rei wouldn't get to watch what SHE wanted to watch either. Stalking into the living room, he snuck up behind the couch where she was sitting prim as a picture with her hands folded neatly in her lap.
He put his mouth to her ear and roared.
"REI!"
There was silence. "I was aware you were there," the girl said a soft monotone.
She didn't even jump! Glowering, Kaworu walked around and threw himself down beside her. Rei was no fun. "Hey. Doll."
"I am not a doll."
"Whatever. Mum says we have to watch Celestina chatting up the gorilla."
/I did dear. Though I wish you wouldn't call him that, Kaworu, the poor boy would probably be very upset if he could hear you./
For once Rei volunteered something. "Suzuhara wouldn't be upset," she whispered, flicking the remote button unblinkingly. "Everybody calls him - "
The cheerful tones of Celestina exploded from the television set. "So gorilla, reckon you get it now?"
".... Um. I... No."
Celestina rolled her eyes, blond bangs bobbing happily around her forehead as she glanced around the messy teenager's room. This was turning out to be FUN! "What's there not to get? Do I need to go through it again? Ok; Kensuke's new girlfriend chick is actually one of two Mary Sues - and Mary Sues are self indulgent young girls possessing mind control powers, remember - who have arrived from a parallel universe and abused their abilities to basically take over everybody's brains and make for themselves perfect, perfect lives. I am ashamed to say that these people were once my good friends, Sanguia and Tabitha.
In seven days they've been able to mass mind wipe almost every person in the city into becoming instantly attracted to them, manipulated molecules and space to change their physical appearances, and screwed around with time itself to create pasts and identities that not only contradict each other, ruin certain people's lives but also just plain don't make sense. Plus, they incarcerated Misato and Asuka in what appears to be a small chocolate shop with signs everywhere saying: 'Eat Me and Grow Fat!'. Then they warped Gendo's brain so much that he thinks that holding some sort of a... fancy dress disco at Nerv Headquarters is a spiffing idea and is glad he thought of it, trapped Rei by merging her with Lilith, just kind of postponed the apocalypse that should inevitably follow, and, the cardinal sin," the girl took a deep breath. "made two regulars, Shinji and Kensuke, turn totally OOC and SET THEM UP WITH THEMSELVES. Which is where I come in. You see, Lilith sent a very angry letter to the Deities Parents Association complaining about - "
The boy on the bed, by now wrinkling his brow with the effort of understanding all this, interrupted her. "Just a second..." he asked, leaning forward and looking at her incredulously. "If these... Mary Sues, or whatever, got mind control... How come I - if I did believe you, and I don't - I was the only one who didn't fall for her - um - spell?"
"Aha!" exclaimed Celestina delightedly. She had been looking forward to this. "That was because of the POWER OF YOUR LOVE!"
"My WHAT?"
"You see," she innocently explained, twirling some hair around a finger and looking like smugness personified, "only people who really DO love the victim involved are able to see past a Mary Sue's illusions. In Shinji's case Tabitha got rid of Asuka and Misato, because being proactive kinda gals they were probably just way too much of a threat. Sanguia doesn't seem to mind you knowing though - "
Touji spluttered. "Just a second - whaddaya MEAN really do love?"
"Well isn't it obvious?" Celestina answered, smiling. "You're in love with Kensuke."
Hah! THAT was worth it. Touji's eyes snapped open wider than she'd ever seen anyone's go before. His mouth opened and closed several times before he was able to scream, "I AM NOT IN LOVE WI - "
"Do you want your sister to hear?"
That stopped him. "Shut up!" he hissed. "I am not!"
"It ain't just a river in Egypt, Touji."
"What does a river have to do with it? What? You're just crazy!"
Celestina sighed. "I might have known I was addressing an imbecile. Maybe together you and Lil' Poindexter'll have enough brain cells to function as a protozoae."
The boy looked like he was trying to compute this. "...I still don't see where a river comes into it..." he began suspiciously, as if on some level aware that he had just been 'subtly insulted'.
"Never mind. Just back to the whole Kensuke thing - "
"I told you to shut up! There is no Kensuke thing!"
"Oh yeah? Then how come... let's see... How come when Sanguia pushed him onto a science desk you wanted to drag her off, bash her head in then take up the position yourself, hmmmm?"
She'd made a scientific discovery; a new species of bright red ape. "How the hell did you - I - you - NO I DIDN'T!"
"How the hell did I what? Know?" the girl smirked, leaning backwards and watching Touji flush with evil satisfaction. "Well, even though I happen to be a good little self-insertion and would NEVER," she giggled, "use my powers irresponsibly, that doesn't mean I don't possess them. And thought reading just happens to be one power which is particularly enjoyable. You really oughta be more careful, y'know. I wasn't even TRYING to listen in but you were blaring the message all over the place. It was like being forced to listen to the teenage boy angsty porn station the moment I got into the house! Not that I minded of course..."
Celestina watched Touji's face change. He seemed to be about to scream something very loudly, so she hastily cut him off and said, "Still don't believe me? I haven't even scratched the surface, baby! Let's see what interesting mental images a frustrated fifteen year old mind can conjure up..."
Had this been a normal situation, Celestina knew she would've been crucified for what she was about to do. Telepathic ability in an original character, even in the name of Good was fanfiction death, coming only slightly after eyes that changed colour. But this wasn't a normal situation. Celestina had been hired to stop two dangerous enemies and if this was the, er, only way she could think of to gain an important ally's help, nobody was in a position to argue with her! Besides, she was allowed to have a little fun, right?
Closing misted eyes, she put a hand to her forehead and reached out to the boy. She heard him gasp, felt her own lungs contract in unison, and knew she was there.
"Oh MY GOD! Well THAT sure was an interesting dream!"
"What - What the - What the fuck - "
"Oooooooo! Never knew you were into - looks like there's a LOT of things I never knew you were into! Er, I wouldn't try that in real life, it doesn't work and might be a bit painful. You COULD use custard though - "
"YOU - GET THE HELL OUTTA MY MIND!"
"Were the pink fluffy handcuffs for you or for - "
The door creaked open. Something clicked. The two teenagers turned, blinked and looked horrified simultaneously. If you looked closely you could have seen a purple link shimmering between their two heads.
"Ummm... is everything... ok... in here?"
It was Mari, hovering nervously on the threshold. She seemed to be... a bit worried.
"Nah, everything's fine," her brother and Celestina said together, high squeal blending weirdly with guttural growl.
"WHAT? Why are we talking at the same time?"
Synchronised, they bent towards each other, wearing identical shocked frowns. "Hey, don't get stressed! Just a little blip in the connection, that's all, cos I lost concentration. THIS IS MY BRAIN WE'RE TALKING ABOUT! It'll go away once I get it together again! IT BETTER - "
Mari took a few steps backwards.
"Yeah, uh, that's good! You can.. go and bake us some cupcakes, er, Touji's si - Mari! - Yeah, Mari, go bake us - I hate cupcakes! - Be QUIET - "
Their heads whipped together for a second, and then Celestina felt the lock ease, and individual control spread over her body in a warm cloud. "What we're trying to say," she said to the little girl, a bit embarrassed, "Is that, everything is fine. Yes."
Mari must have decided that she just didn't wanna know.
After the door shut and the footsteps of an eleven year old sounded hastily down the stairs, Celestina turned back to Touji. "So, who were they for?"
"Him," the boy answered promptly, then, "HOW DID YOU DO THAT?"
"NOW will you believe me? Psychic. Mind control. MARY SUE. Get with the program Touji, cos denial is getting boring. Look, I already know more than even I wanted to about your particular feelings for a certain somebody, and the sooner you help me, the sooner you can start 're-bonding' with Kensuke. And if you really wanted, you could even find some way to incorporate a river if it helped you to understand what I'm getting at."
Touji squeaked.
"Oh MY! Damn, I wish those kind of fantasies just popped into MY head! Very creative use of mud. You should be a porno writer, gorilla boy. Though if you wanted the actual thing, arrangements could be made..."
Seeing his face, Celestina decided to stop being cruel and let the poor guy go. She'd tortured him enough for one day, and she had enough material for PWPs to last her a lifetime. She broke the mental link with a snap of her fingers and felt sharp pain accompanying the loss of another consciousness that had been welded with her own, the last vestiges of nerd worship and every possible Tekken Tag Tournament combo fading as she swayed on the bed. She was about to inform Touji that yes, this had been an interesting little interlude but they really MUST be getting on with actual plot-explanation when, buzzing in her pocket, her mobile phone rang.
She grabbed it. "Heya!"
Unamused tones crackled through. "Oh yeah, that was reeeeeeeeeeeaaally necessary. Absolutely. I can totally see how perving at the gorilla's sick mind is VITALLY IMPORTANT to the mission, yup, completely integral, wouldn't be able to do a THING without it -"
"Shut up Kaworu. For your information I was merely demonstrating my powers in order to.. to.. demonstrate them." Celestina sniffed. "And it's not like YOU aren't glued to the TV come 'Shinji Shower Time' - " next to her, she saw Touji choke, and grinned as she continued, "as you've so happily dubbed it?"
"That's different! How would you feel if you'd been trapped for over a year with ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING SEX AT ALL..."
There was some muffled screaming and a thump.
"/Sorry about that, deary, Tabris gets a bit excited when it comes to that Ikari boy, but that's no excuse for vulargities. I sent him to the corner for a while, I do hope you don't mind./"
"Not at all, Mrs Lilith."
If Celestina didn't know better, she would have sworn that the ultimate creator of existence sounded rather doting. "/You know, teenagers. Only one thing on their minds, every nine seconds was it?/" She heard a long- suffering groan in the background and could almost hear Kaworu blushing. "/You mustn't judge him by it, the poor thing, it's only hormones. He'll grow out of it, eventually. Maybe. I can't quite remember how long I set for angel adolescence... Oh, what was that? Yes, yes, all right Kaworu, your poor old mum'll stop embarrassing you. I'll hand you over to Rei, shall I, and she'll tell you the plan./"
"Oooo, plan," Celestina said as with some rustling, the phone was passed over. "Rei?"
"Yes. You will communicate this to Suzuhara immediately. You and he are to travel to The First Annual Nerv Training Camp Thing for Really Cool People, which is situated in the largest chocolate shop in the mall. I was removed and sent to Terminal Dogma before I was taken inside..." the distorted whisper paused. "But I believe that Asuka and Misato are being held in that place. You will rescue them."
"Gotcha, gotcha," the girl asserted, trying to ignore Touji's gestures in the background, "But what do we do then?"
"With them, you will rescue us."
Rei may have been about to say more, but she was interrupted by a teenage boy yanking the phone away from Celestina and staring at her incredulously. "Just WHO did you say you were talking to?"
"Gawd, it's not like I haven't already TOLD you. Yo Rei," Celestina said, grabbing his arm and pulling the phone close to her mouth. "Put Lilith, grand creator of Everything on the line."
Man, watermelons were cool. You could dice them and splice them and put them in cocktails and eat them raw and let juice dribble down your chin and spit out the seeds, and you could even, as Kaji was doing now, carve them into pretty little love hearts.
It wasn't something he did everyday. His adoration of his precious herd of melons was so great that he would even stoop to BUYING the fruit if he wanted to eat some. He just couldn't bear to cut his little babies off their stalks. He sometimes thought he heard them crying at night, and would lurch out in his boxer shorts to water them beneath the light of the moon. But today was different. He'd steeled himself, stood firm in his resolve, deadened the weak impulses to run back inside and forget the whole idea as he had advanced on the melon flock, glistening and oblivious in the afternoon heat. He had picked the prime of his crop, the largest and most bloated and beautiful QUEEN of all watermelons, and had somehow made it back to his kitchen staggering the weight. It almost broke his heart to plunge his knife deep into the heart of the striped and wonderful animal, but as pink liquid had bubbled and trickled it's way down the gleaming hide, he'd brightened up. He could always grow another one, and this was a special occasion. Tonight, Kaji the womaniser had a hot date! He was going to the Annual Nerve Dance Party.
To be fair, the womanising part of being Kaji the womaniser had started to be a little bit of a drag, so as of one week ago he'd gone cold turkey and become just plain Kaji. And it worked, too. Even from the first day he'd walked into the office and FAILED to make some smutty remark to Ritsuko, a certain purple head had bobbed up from her desk as surely as if he'd entered the room yelling. Misato had become so used to his philandering ways that the absence of at least one sleazy bit of flattery every five minutes had completely thrown her. Kaji smirked and cut off some rind. At first she was suspicious, and cold, and kept looking at him like he was gonna erupt into a flurry of mocking playboy references any second, but eventually the shock had worn off and the woman he loved had wonderingly, still slightly warily, accepted that he wanted her and ONLY her, and had last Friday agreed to go out PROPERLY with him tonight.
Why hadn't he seen it before? Smiling gently, Kaji fashioned another heart out of the pink flesh and placed it carefully on top of a steadily growing pile. This was going to be the best, most delicious and watermelony dessert Misato had every tasted, and if it wasn't, he looked forward to making desserts for her until it was. Like on a permanent basis. Like if he married her.
He was aware that this probably the strangest and most random notion he had ever come up with, but he paid it no attention as he was just stunned at how STUPID he'd been before. Obviously, chasing around after seventy other women wasn't exactly going to convince Misato that she was his one true hugglebunny, and he was in shock that he'd never REALISED this before. The turning point had been when some girl - no, Rei, it was Rei he remembered, had stopped him on the street and handed him his invitation to Gendo's party thing, and as soon as it had touched his had it had all become so clear. She'd been about to offer him a ..muffin, was it? Some kind of purple pastry, but he had been to distracted by the flood of revelations and ideas spilling into his head that he'd waved it vaguely away, and she'd appeared to think better of it and placed the thing back in his basket. He'd hurried over to Nerv headquarters -
His watch beeped.
Ah, yes, only three hours till the party, he could finish the watermelons later, right now he had to go and pick out some groovy threads...
In flinging off his apron he glanced at the window, and was held by a pair of glowing green eyes.
"Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." said Asuka.
"Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr..." said Misato.
Said isn't really the right word. The syllable was more gurgled through a glutinous mask of half eaten confectionery as the Really Cool People lay, nearly comatose in the remains of the Annual Nerv Training Camp. 'Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr' can really mean anything, but in this instance it meant 'Oh SWEET GOD - TOO MUCH chocolate - KILL ME NOW.'
They hadn't been stupid enough to start right at the beginning. As soon as they'd come to their senses and realised where they were, an apoplectic Asuka had personally stalked through the shop and ripped apart every single note proclaiming 'Eat me! Grow medically obese!' and 'We'll see who looks good in a plug suit! Ehehehehehe!'. The windows had proved impossible to break, and the fifteen year old bruised her first quite badly punching one in a rage. The walls were unsmashable. There was no chimney, just a room filled with the most delicious smells and exquisite delights, filled with colorful fruity concoctions streaming shining out of the display Misato had trampled into the floor, whirls of velvet chocolate whipped into smooth dollops of heaven, poisoned or not.
After twenty four hours they'd become so thirsty that Asuka had suggested eating the gooey coconut creams just for the moisture, and then Misato discovered the cherry liqueurs...
The devouring began.
And now they were sprawled and bloated, purple and red hair matted with spittle and chocolate, too full and sick and high on the relentless hit of THAT MUCH sugary milky caffeine to do anything other than lie amidst the wreckage and say: 'Urrrrrrrrrrrrr...'. When they could say anything at all.
Misato sort of knew that... date... Kaji... THING... stupid... and she half raised her hand in an effort to do something, but felt it thwack back down onto her stomach (there seemed more of it somehow) with an audible slap. Oh.. fucking.. chocolate urrrrRRRRR - Her body curled in on itself, and with a swooping feeling of nausea she started to retch as the roof exploded.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH - "
THUNK.
Purple eyes snapped open and were instantly filled with dust and fragments of plaster. Something heavy skidded to a half behind her, and she was coughing and moaning as a voice she recognised shouted something about why the HELL did you choose a FLYING MOTORBIKE, and another voice shouted that she was ALLOWED to, before a scream shattered her ear drums.
"OH MY LORD! They really did - they - THEY MADE THEM FAT!"
Tabitha Rei
Tabitha Rei
TABITHA REI
TABITHA WHO FOR THE
REI, WHO FOR THE PURPOSES OF THIS FANFICTION WILL BE REFERRED TO AS TABITHA
TABITHA
was singing.
It was a happy song. Very happy in fact, almost happy as the happiness that welled up within her and tingled in little happy currents from the top of her happy pretty head down to her happy little toes. These toes were clad in nine inch platform stilettos, which went well with the scanty yet stylish amounts of black leather that clung to her drool inducing, and yes, happy form.
Tabitha was not a bad person. Not very bad at all. In fact, she mused, as she hummed her sunshiney tune and attempted to force a muffin into the mouth of a terrified teenage boy, if anything she just had too much love in her. She loved Shinji, much more than anybody else did, and she just wanted to help Shinji learn to love himself. How was he supposed to do that, she wondered, as he flinched and tried to wriggle out of her iron grip, when he was surrounded by psychopaths who were just so cruel and nasty to him? Things were much better this way. This past week had been the happiest of both his and her lives, she was sure. Together forever, complete and perfect in their mutual joy, ah! It was so romantic. Shinji had just needed a little help in realising this, that was all. Everybody loved muffins, right?
She'd just got a handful of lurid cakery on the tip of his adorable tongue when the doorbell rang.
Blood red eyes blinked. "Stay here," she whispered, trailing a porcelain finger down the boy's cheek and pushing the morsel into his mouth. "I'll be right back."
She strode elegantly to the door, sleek raven locks wafting behind her in a cloud of delicate ringlets. Raven? She wanted blue hair today, and as she thought it, it was, like a moonlit waterfall framing her elfin face. That was better. The door burst open as soon as she turned the handle.
"HI!"
It was Sanguia, an explosion of purple hair and a squealing voice, jumping inside and wearing a MOST risqué little uniform. Whoa, what was Sanguia doing here? Tabitha hadn't seen her since that rather fun evening in which they broke into terminal dogma and (she smiled) took care of a few minor details. "Hi Sanguia!"
"Hey, Tabitha, YO, you look GREAT!"
"I know. " Tabitha smiled and dusted some imaginary, mortal dust off the collar of her stunningly attractive leather outfit, the likes of which sent men into spasms of worship and lust. "I try. Nice to see you here."
"Ahhhh, it's ok, I was gonna crash your place sooner or later! I thought we could get ready together before the Big Night. And I thought we could prepare..." she tapped her cute little nose. "The ULTIMATE. You know what I mean by... the ULTIMATE, right?"
"Yes."
"Sure?"
"Yes."
"SURE?" Sanguia was looming close enough to be scary.
"YES."
"Good." she said, apparently satisfied. "You look very... Rei, by the way."
"I AM REI."
"So what have you been up to?" her friend asked, rapidly changing the subject as she hopped out the door again, gesturing to somebody outside in the distance. "For god's sake, COME ON - sorry, that wasn't directed at you, about that, anyway?"
"Well you know," Tabitha counted off the items on her fingers. "Being a red hot sex goddess, finding my true love, making Shinji's life wonderful, becoming the kind of myself the person FORMERLY KNOWN as Rei would have been if she'd just taken some initiative - "
"We locked - " Sanguia interrupted, then eyed Tabitha warily. "the person... FORMERLY KNOWN as Rei in Lilith." She sniggered, though in a highly cute and endearing manner. "Heheh. That was funny."
"Baking mind control muffins -"
"Why mind control muffins?"
Tabitha shrugged. "Old school charm? All the best evil chicks feed their loves some form of enchanted snackery?"
"Beware of ovens, my friend. And small children eating your house. And strange blond people wanting sveetenmeaten. "
"I've been doing some redecorating," Tabitha continued.
The shorter girl glanced around the vastly changed hallway. "Yah, I noticed the place looked a little different." It was very black and very red. There were many pictures of Tabitha. And Shinji. Of Tabitha and Shinji, together, in fact, in poses many would deem pornographic, though mostly there were pictures of Tabitha. "Nice, um, shrine devoted to the worship of you. I especially like the life sized statue on the massive golden pedestal, wearing... " she leaned in closer. "Not.. much at all, on closer inspection."
Tabitha's liquid eyes shone with the sheer happiness of it all. The statue had been her favourite part, especially forcing that hot guy she'd picked up off this street to lovingly fashion it topless for hours on end. "I make Shinji pray to it every day! There's some dancing caged men who perform musical numbers in praise of my greatness for me out back, but he doesn't know about them yet. I thought I'd show him my whip collection on Monday! Anyway, how are you?"
"Goooooooooooood!" Sanguia yelled, punching the air and striking her genki of genki attitudes. "Kensuke is the bestest best boyfriend a girl could ever have, Touji is soooooo much fun to annoy, school just ROCKS, and I even found you a present on the way here! Take it away, K-kun!"
Oh yes. That nerd Sanguia seemed to have developed an obsession with. Tabitha couldn't personally fathom the attraction, but Sanguia had repeatedly assured her that he really WAS cool and cute and nice and gorgeous, really, once you got to know him! And Tabitha let her think that. It meant more Shinji for Tabitha.
"Take it away, K-kun...?"
There was a short silence while they stood in the hallway near the open door.
"I SAID... TAKE IT AWAY, K-KUN!"
Muffled panting sounded, and a massive writhing monstrous ball of red paper and yellow ribbon smashed through the doorway, carried on the back of a stumbling and sweating Kensuke. He looked up at Sanguia, tottered a second, then collapsed, the undulating present crashing on top of him.
The two girls carried on regardless.
"Ah, that's so sweet of you!" exclaimed Tabitha, before adding suspiciously, "What is it?"
Sanguia jumped up and down. "Open it! Open it up and see!"
Kneeling next to the crushed and unconscious nerd, Tabitha tentatively tugged at one of the many massive bows. Nothing happened. She unraveled a little more and felt it move beneath her fingers but still -
A hand shot up, ripping through the paper and clawing at her face, and the entire ball began to violently rock and shake. Sanguia started to scream.
"Aaaaaiiiiiiiiii, noooooo, KAJI, don't behave like this, I COMMAND YOU..."
"You got me KAJI?" Tabitha yelled over her shoulder as she wrestled with the thing, rolling it of Kensuke and straddling it, pinning it to the ground and biting the one free flailing arm with pearly white sharp little teeth.
"Yeah!" shouted Sanguia, hopping from foot to foot. She was obviously trying to decide whether she could be bothered to help, but evidently the extent of effort she was prepared to sacrifice ended at cringing as the arm grabbed a hunk of cascading frosted blue hair. "And I dressed him up all cute in a funky outfit too, 'cept he wouldn't completely do what I wanted and he wasn't very happy but I thought he'd be ok while I brought him here..."
"The REASON," Tabitha gasped as she backflipped to her feet and richoched off the wall, "You weren't able to control him was," as she spun gracefully in mid air, "that I," as her voice rose to a scream and she slammed the full force of her wickedly pointed heel into the half destroyed mass of paper, "GOT TO HIM *FIRST*."
The Kaji-present crumpled against a wall.
"Nice kung fu."
"Wasn't it?"
Kensuke chose this moment to groan and fumble for his glasses, and Sanguia remembered he existed again.
"K-KUN!" she screeched, bounding over to flop down beside him and pull his head on to her lap. "My poor baby! You're all dead and stuff! And your glasses got nearly broken - this is just WRONG!"
Kensuke's eyes fluttered open, but as they were greeted with a sudden vision of patented Mary-Sue cleavage, they immediately glazed over and returned him to a state of semiconciousness again. Sanguia tutted and patted him vaguely before turning back to Tabitha and asking, "Just a second... Whaddaya mean, got to him first?"
"I got to him first," replied Tabitha, observing the drool trickling down Aida's cheek with amusement. "I had actually got this- " she gestured to the Kaji-pile, "to decide he wanted to marry Misato. He was gonna propose at our dance party tonight."
Sanguia's eyes went wide. "Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey," she said. "That's not actually too bad an idea. Those two are actually kind of cute together! Except - " her face turned hard and twin emerald spheres of light narrowed in anger, "For that fact that we've imprisoned Misato in a chocolate shop for the CRIME of being a possible love interest for Kensuke!"
"Meh," said Tabitha, waving a slim white hand dismissively. "I think by NOW you've got the problem under control. And besides, I wasn't even thinking about the real Misato. See, I had a plan." The five foot dominatrix leant against the wall and grinned, preparing for yet another speech that would demonstrate the brilliance of Tabitha. "As I already had obtained my specified Mary Sue love interest, I could not blind little Kaji-kins to his love for Katsuragi the traditional way. I didn't want to lock him up, because he is just to purdy to rot in a chocolate shop, nor could I just leaving him running around as, being a clever cookie, he might have found a way to bust the Eva girls out of there. So what did I do? Being the incredibly intelligent person that I am, I kept, even AMPLIFIED his adoration of the purple one, but - " she took a step forward and pointed straight up in the air, "the person he THINKS is Misato is not her, but ME!"
Sanguia looked at her pointedly.
"I mean US!"
"Man, that is the coolest plan EVER! Kaji's so fwuffy and adorable that it just makes sense to have him around for some kinky random body snatching MANservice. Oh, oop, should I have left him where he was?" the smaller girl asked wonderingly, abandoning Kensuke's head to the floor with a THUMP and crawling over to scrabble at the present. "I can put him back, if you want..."
"Nah, it's fine," Tabitha told her. "It's actually kind of convenient to have him here. If I'd known you were gonna bring him round I'd have broken the lock I'd put on his mind." There was a subtle shifting in the universe. "There. You can make him do what you wanted now."
"Hurraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Several things happened at once.
There are few sights more simultaneously amusing and disturbing than a grown green haired man suddenly erupting from a pile of red and yellow wrapping paper wearing nothing but a pair of furry pink hot pants with a cotton tail coupled with bunny ears. There are even fewer sights more simultaneously amusing and disturbing if he does this while dancing suggestively and singing at the top of his voice to, as the music spontaneously exploded into being, the Spice Girls' very own WANNABE.
Kaji did it very well, considering that his brain was floating off somewhere in a fuzzy pink mist, and the ground was vibrating with the noise. He certainly had the hip bucking down as he grooved towards the two girls. "YO, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I WANT, WHAT I REALLY REALLY WANT!"
"So tell us what you want, what you really really want?" they answered, grabbing his hands.
"I WANNA HAH - "
"Hah!"
"HAH!"
"Hah!"
"I REALLY REALLY REALLY WANNA ZIG A ZIG AH~!"
"Truly, this is the best random I'm-just-gonna-give-you-a-present-for-the- hell-of-giving-you-a-present I have ever received!" shrieked Tabitha happily over the music, shaking her thang all around the hallway.
"I KNOW! " squealed Sanguia, "I just ROCK for thinking of it, no need to thank me! Oh, and I just want to point out: " she turned and pointed her finger in the air. "Really COOL people, so COOL that they are not even destined for confectionery shops kinda cool have reached the point where they have grown UNASHAMED of their love of the Spice Girls, even though they also listen to many other socially acceptable forms of music -"
Kaji had by this point found the now conscious and cowering in a corner Kensuke. Sanguia never got a chance to finish her sentence, because in one swift moment, the former romancer of all things beer swilling had slung her new boyfriend up onto his shoulder and was skipping his way towards the living room.
"Hey! He's getting away!" she started.
Tabitha giggled and danced after them. "It's ok! That's just the place where I keep Shinji, they can meet each other!"
"YEAH! They can meet! And have meetsies! And become friendsies! BESTEST friendsises..."
"IF YOU WANNA BE MY LOVER!" they sang, "YOU GOTTA GET WITH MY - "
The door opened.
The music stopped.
The couch, though dented and covered in purple crumbs, had nobody on it.
Shinji was gone.
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To be continued. HORRIBLY continued.