Sanguia:
I have decided that rather than updating rarely in large horrible stretches, I'll update frequently in shorter, equally horrible bursts of whatever dodginess I can write in a week. You gets what you gets. I'm actually quite surprised at the response I received, in that they weren't all flames informing me that I SUXORED BEANXORS!!!!!!111, as I had been expecting. Heh. Well they haven't all been yet. So thanks guys, for taking delight in my crap.
Oh yes; and I lost my pretty crossing out of TABITHA formatting in the first chapter, so if it s little nonsensical, now you know why. You'll just have to imagine TABITHA crossed out with a big line when you come across it. For before. Imagine in reverse, or something.
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"No you idiots! Not there! NOT THERE - "
There was a sickening crunch, and Ritsuko Akagi cringed as Makoto and Aoba singlehandledly managed to destroy several thousand dollars worth of equipment by tripping over a power cable and crashing to the floor. It took a few seconds for her brilliant if extremely stressed mind to calculate just HOW many hours of extra work it would take to replace what the two had just dashed to pieces, but when it did, it made her very unhappy. It made her so unhappy that she first threw her clipboard to the ground, then jumped up and down on it, then swore because in doing that she had stubbed her toe on a passing trolley, then screamed a scream of sheer exhaustion, frustration and anguish, then limped over with a face like thunder to tell them exactly what she thought of their latest act of stupidity.
"Do... you... REALISE..." she hissed, descending upon the two with the kind of maniac eyes usually reserved for escaped knife wielding psychopaths, "exactly what *I* will be required to DO in order to fix this?
The faces staring up at her sheepishly from amongst the wreckage hastily assumed expressions of terror.
"Look, Ritsu, it was an accident, ok? We didn't PLAN it or anything!" Makoto began, but ended the sentence in a squeak as the visage of one PISSED OFF scientists was pressed so close to his own that he could smell the stale coffee on her breath.
"The giant mirrored disco ball in the shape of Gendo's head was supposed to be hung from the top of the Magi Balthazar," she stated, in a very calm, precise tone. "Not, as you two apparently thought, from the Magi Caspar." The voice began to speed up and tremble. "It is bad enough that I have been assigned the organization of this ENTIRE PROJECT, and it is even worse that I have not slept in TWO DAYS. However - "
Aoba had taken this opportunity to start edging slowly away, and collapsed on the shards of Gendo's nose when Ritsuko whipped around and barked in his ear. "WHERE THE *HELL* DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?"
He froze. The woman turned slowly to address them both.
"However. It makes this unfortunate job much, much, MUCH harder for me if I am expected to do it while constantly fearing the worst because I have been dealt incompetent MORONS," her voice rose to a hysterical shriek, "WHO DON'T EVEN LISTEN TO WHAT THEY'VE BEEN TOLD! HOW MANY TIMES DID I TELL YOU WHERE TO PUT IT? OVER FIVE BLOODY TIMES, THAT'S HOW MANY, and when I turn my back EVEN FOR A SECOND - "
It must have been Aoba and Makoto's lucky day. An extremely hesitant Maya sidled over and tapped Ritsuko on the shoulder, causing her to turn her back for a second. They used this second to run away very fast, but the scientist was unaware of this as she spun and glared at the girl. "WHAT?"
"Um," Maya said nervously, flinching at the outburst, "Mr Ikari would like to see you. He says it's urgent, and he wouldn't tell me why, but just said that... The Horribly Scary Mysterious Secret Project Thing was stirring?"
For a moment, Ritsuko's blood ran cold. She started to say something, but stopped and shook her head. "Were - did GENDO capitalise it?" she finally managed.
Maya nodded.
It was then, once again, that Ritsuko Akagi realised that this was going to be a VERY long day.
Shinji was free!
Far off, in another dimension, whilst consuming popcorn, an angel punched the air and screamed in triumph.
Shinji's bare feet were slapping painfully on the pavement, he was covered in rotting vegetables, his heart felt like it was going to explode in his chest and he had a wriggling penguin stuffed into his pants, but even these things were an improvement on what he had just escaped from. A week ago, the boy would probably have crawled into a fetal position and started repeating 'I mustn't run away' to himself by this point. Things had changed. He had just scrambled out of a third floor window and landed in a dumpster to save himself from a shape changing psychopath who kept him locked in a living hell of mind control, and after ALL THAT he was DAMN WELL gonna run away. He didn't know where he was going, just that he had to get out, running blindly down the streets as his mind raced with panic and adrenaline. She would come after him, of course, and that was why he had to be anywhere, go anywhere that was SAFE, that somewhere that could protect him. Nerv! Yes! He had to get to Nerv head quarters and tell them everything! He had to get there before she did - before THEY did, before they did this to anyone else. He'd heard TWO voices as he'd sat paralysed on the couch, heard something about Rei, and Lilith, heard the new voice babbling and was just able to register that: 'Oh god... they've got Kensuke too...' before his brain had switched onto automatic and he'd gotten the hell out of there. He'd opened the window and was preparing to inch out onto the ledge when a large feathery something had catapulted itself onto the back of his head and sent him spiralling into the rubbish, and now he was tearing across the city for his life. Shit shit SHIT! What the hell was he gonna DO? If only he had somebody, ANYBODY able to help but Kaworu was dead and god knows what had happened to Misato and -
Rounding a corner, he stopped short in front of Asuka.
"Eugh," said Touji, repulsed yet fascinated and making the noise universally indicative of horror and disgust. "Euuugh. I mean - God. Uh - I- EUUUUUGH."
Celestina nodded grimly. "My thoughts exactly, Grilli-o. This is a crime BEYOND simply forcing everybody within a five mile radius to love you. This is manipulation for the worse of a character's cannon appearance, and as you can see," Touji saw her glance at his stricken expression, "it just ain't pretty."
It wasn't. Amidst the dust and plaster and large black flying motorbike (which Celestina had INSISTED was necessary to transport them from his house to the chocolate shop) lay two gargantuan piles of flesh which Touji had originally mistaken for giant deformed slugs. Slick with brown mucous, festooned with the tatters of wrappers, they rippled and wobbled with every breath their owners took, tiny limbs flailing weakly at the air. It was only when Touji caught sight of a scrap of purple hair amidst one quivering mass that the full impact hit home. He hated Asuka, but DAMN, he wouldn't have wished that one ANYBODY, and as for Misato...
The shock of seeing somebody so formerly hot reduced to the state of a pig- worm-walrus was nearly too much for the poor guy. After all, he'd been through a lot that day, so shuddering and flattening himself against the opposite wall was probably the mildest reaction one could hope for. "Can't... Who... Why would anybody DO something like this?" he asked, and hoped his voice wasn't shaking.
"A number of reasons," Celestina answered, angrier than he had ever seen her before their half hour acquaintance. "Pettiness, insecurity, the need for a pathetic rush of power, a depraved attempt at humour, the list goes on. But what drives most 'Sues to it," her eyes narrowed, "is sheer, irrational jealousy." Then as soon as it had come, the look passed and she continued brightly, "Luckily, in this case it's easily curable! Now, where was that stuff I took down?"
"Just a second! Huh? How do you cure them? With what?"
The girl scrabbled in her pockets for a second, then withdrew a scrap of paper and grinned. "All will be revealed, my primate friend. Just take a look at this!"
Touji took it dubiously. It was written on pink paper which had some form of multicoloured chibi animals who could possibly have been people on it, and in an extremely curly scrawl. All in all, it was a GIRL object, and he felt like he had crossed some uncomfortable boundary into an alien territory just holding it. Hesitantly he read:
Lilith's Big List of Stuff to Do!
1. Force Touji to simply face facts about that adorable Kensuke boy. He's being very silly; I give you permission use force or shoujo manga plot devices if necessary.
"Just where did you get this from?" he yelped. Celestina rolled her eyes.
"Mrs Lilith got me to write it down while you were running around panicking and reforming your life beliefs about god, the universe and the origin of humanity. Y'know? Just BEFORE Bikey crashed through your window? And just AFTER your little chat with Lilith and Kaworu? Or did you forget?"
Touji had not forgotten that conversation. It threatened to make him blush even now, and he really DIDN'T want to discuss it. "...Bikey's a stupid name for a bike." was all he could mumble in response.
"You said that before. Now read the rest!"
2. There is only one sure fire way to return those lovely girls to their previous state of loveliness. You must ...
Touji read the rest. He dropped the paper. "No!" he yelled. "No way! You can't seriously expect me to do this!"
"Well I do!" the girl countered, and advanced on him with her hands on her shapely, belt laden hips. "Look, the big lady on the cross is right. In order to rehabilitate those poor victimised hippos over there, we've gotta go something drastic. We've gotta turn their own power against them. We've gotta make use of Teen Movie cliché number 34, also beloved by self insertions the world over: one of us, and I'm afraid it's going to be you..." she paused, then whipped out a tuxedo from behind her back and squealed, "has gotta take them to the PROM!"
Somebody had pried her into something about seventy sizes to small for her, and even though she was hovering on the brink of consciousness, Asuka was damn pissed off about it. It was also inconsiderately cold, and windy, she noticed as she regained a few more of her senses, and people were shouting things about her. Rude things, things that deserved slappings, and as soon as Asuka could work out how to move her body again, those people were going to get some.
"This is the STUPIDEST IDEA EVER. When the hell is it gonna start to work?"
"You actually have to go NEAR her, Touji. That would help. That would actually help quite a LOT, as the rules state that you'll find her incredibly attractive - "
"But she's NOT incredibly attractive! I don't find her hot at all! And why ME?"
"Number one, because I'm a GIRL, in case you hadn't noticed, and the kind of people who write this stuff are ALWAYS het shippers, and number TWO, you've hated her forever. Guy who has always indulged in petty insult hurling with girl sees her at prom all dressed her best to look incredibly attractive, and BAM, she is! But he's gotta try and makes some moves on her first, or other wise it's just not SATISFYING. It's known as the hair-up- shiny-dress transformation, or otherwise the princess and the frog, if you GET WHAT I MEAN."
"Why are you nudging me?"
"You DO get what I MEAN, right?"
"What? What...?"
"Come on Tarzan, you're nearly there..."
"...I HAVE TO KISS HER?"
"Only once! Ok, I know she's kind of... incapacitated, and... hideously hideously unsexy at the moment, but please, just TRY to wrap your little hormonal brain around the idea? Imagine her jumping around like a weasel in glasses, if you want."
"NO! NO WAAAAAAAAAAY!"
"You HAVE to..."
Asuka didn't know what in the SEVEN HELLS was going on here, but by GOD, she was going to do something about it. First, she was going to smash the little bitch who called her unsexy and who tried to set her up with possibly the lowest life form on earth, TOUJI, into the other side of next week. THEN she was going to unleash such a volley of stinging handprints onto the neanderthal face of that moronic bastard with no taste Suzuhara that he'd be knocked out before he hit the ground, THEN - no, actually BEFORE she knocked him out, but while he was still twitching on the pavement, she was going to jump up and down on certain parts of his anatomy until his idiot mind crumpled in on itself with the pain, THEN she was going to deliver a drop kick to his nose. All of which she would do in just a second. It was strange. She didn't seem to be able to jump to her feet and start screeching bloody murder like she was accustomed to, and she couldn't quite remember what had happened last night. Uh... ah well! She'd smash them GOOD, as soon as she was able to open her eyes and remove the spongy weights which seemed to have attached themselves to her limbs. In the mean time, she returned to that most staple of her daydreams, and that which was most often translated into real life, the Asuka Violent Fantasy.
THEN she was going to tie Touji to a massive billboard that said 'ASUKA IS THE BESTEST' and get into her Eva and be about to crush him!
"Spare me, spare me, Asuka Langley Soryuu!" he would cry.
But she would never spare such a disgusting unhot immature gorilla boy on account of him being disgusting and unhot and immature, so he would be squished good, yeah, like a bug. And THEN the entire school and Nerv and Seele would throw her a party, and a parade, and KAJI would be there and Rei wouldn't be invited and would cry alone at night and THEN she and Kaji would get MARRIED! And Asuka would have the prettiest dress EVER, and dumkoff Shinji would come running in at the last minute, and he would be all like super jealous and upset cos Asuka was marrying Kaji, the man of her DREAMS, and all because Shinji was such a weak little waffle who never made a move and there would be NOTHING HE COULD DO ABOUT IT!
"Marry me, marry me, because I am in love with you, much more than I ever was with that manky angel guy or crappy Wondergirl, oh beautiful goddess of perfection who I am in love with!" he would cry.
And then Asuka would be all like "Nuh-UH!" and she would marry Kaji and they would have a HONEYMOON in the WILDERNESS, on a desert island, with coconuts and slave monkeys and THEN...
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelll....? Hey Romeo, you wanna hurry it up a little? The sooner we get this over with, the sooner you get to be a knight in trakkiedak armour and rescue your little booooooooyfriend -"
"SHUT UP."
"Sorry, sor-RY, a little touchy aren't we? Just cos you - that expression really doesn't suit you, y'know. You're gonna burst a blood vessel - hey! Hey! GET BACK HERE! Ok, I'm sorry, jeez, but c'mon, could we just get this over with? And you pick that bottle back up, mister! Misato is NOT a drink rest!"
"...who's gonna kiss Misato anyway? Cos I haven't hated her for ages at all."
"I dunno. Um... maybe me?"
"....."
"...IS THAT A NOSE BLEED? AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can tell what YOU were thinking about! HAH! THE BOY IS INTO YURI! I was just joking, but HAR HAR HAR *HAR*, how glad I am I did! The mind of the teenage guy is such an amusing place. Oooooooh, you're bleeding all over your shirt and bow tie, how CUUUUUUUUUTE..."
Unfortunately for Touji, he decided to distract Celestina by kissing Asuka Langely Soryuu at the exact moment that she returned to consciousness.
...and THEN in space there would be robot detectives who would help her solve mysteries, and Legolas would tell her -
WHAT?
THE?
FUCK?
Asuka was no stranger to being kissed. She'd had more blond german toyboys in various ill-fated attempts to make Kaji jealous than most otakus had consumed imported boxes of pocky, but never before in her life had she been kissed so phenomenally badly. Judging from the grunts and dorito smelling breath, she had a fair idea of who it was who was defiling her like that, and, being Asuka, she reacted.
The girl was never quite sure afterwards exactly what happened, but she definitely remembered a loud sparkly noise. It sounded like: swwwmmmiiiirng! And after that noise it was suddenly the easiest thing she had ever done to scream in pure fury and launch a massive right swing that hit the gorilla's nose with a satisfying SNAP and which sent him flying off her and - over the edge of a PRECIPICE?
In the second before the stilettos she suddenly realised she was wearing buckled and sent her stumbling backwards, Asuka saw that she was on flattened roof of some building in the shopping district which was decorated feebly with streamers and balloons, and that she was staring into the face of a complete and female stranger. She struggled to stay upright but slipped with a gasp, only to land on something hard and chair like, smashing beneath her and making the sky drop sharply as both she, and it, were flung off the concrete.
Just as the air rushed stinging in her eyes, she heard somebody yell, "HEY! We didn't get to try my spiked punch!" then, "Oh what the hell," and she caught a glimpse of something white soar past. But she didn't really have time to process it, as her vision was abruptly filled up with Touji Suzuhara.
Thankfully, after that it went black.
"Shoujo moment number two hundred and fifty SEVEN!"
Celestina grinned and the camera snapped. Flashes of light fell on two people lying in the street, who while individually being no great cause for amusement were together absolutely priceless. Fate worked in ways that human beings just couldn't understand, and one of the inscrutable decisions of fate had been to make Asuka fall in a very interesting position on top of Touji. Hey, Celestina wasn't complaining. She could make good money out of the pictures.
Neither of them were really hurt, of course, as one of the perks of being an insertion was that you could extend to your friends the magical power of being able to survive falling off moderately tall buildings, and the only thing fractured was the pavement. Asuka was back to normal. Well, almost. Her vermilion formal dress fitted her quite nicely now, and it certainly went with her flaming hair, but... the taller girl winced. The makeup was a little off. It was just, when she was all gross and fat, there was so much MORE of her to put super-pretty cosmetics on. And when she changed back, the amount of skin occupied by eye shadow and lipstick had stayed the same, even though the features underneath it had shifted and grown considerably smaller. Basically, she looked like a cross between a drag queen and... a really SKANKY drag queen. The dazzling smile that graced Siobahn's gorgeous face was perhaps a little evil. It would interesting to see how long it would be, and how many people they could be seen by before pilot 02 noticed.
The reason for this unexpected antagonism was that Celestina was still a little annoyed at Asuka for totally ruining the prom. She had worked HARD on that prom! The top of the chocolate shop had been so PERFECT, and sunny and nice. It had taken ages to hang those streamers, and cause the grog to appear out of nothing, not to mention the colossal strength of will it had taken to FORCE Touji into that tux. She'd spied on him changing. Hee hee. Gorilla actually had quite a good body, if you ignored the stunted brain that controlled it...
Just a second, where was she? She was getting distracted. Oh yeah! While it had been harrowingly fascinating to see a blob mold itself into a teenage girl like the wind let out of a lumpy flesh balloon, she hadn't expected her to wreck EVERYTHING, just like that. She'd expected a minor tantrum, which contained just enough destruction to be funny, but not this. Still... Celestina sighed. Oh well. Maybe there would be promdelicious opportunities later, which could be arranged once they actually got on the road. She'd just get one more shot, then she'd wake them up. An idea popped brightly and brilliantly into her head. Ahah. Ultimate blackmail photo, about to be arranged.
Hardly daring to breathe, she tiptoed over to the sleeping couple - ehehe! they looked like a couple! - and delicately tugged at a black sleeve containing a tanned browned hand. If she could just maneuver it like THIS, and place it just there... Heh. She was such a hentai.
Click.
There; a picture of one gorilla feeling up one sleepy german with her overly rouged face nuzzled into the crook of his neck. Exxxxxxxxxcellent. And now, to sit back and watch the entertainment.
"Hey guys! Wakey WAKEY!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!"
"WHO HIRED THE PROSTITU -" THWACK.
"Just WHO are you calling a PROSTITUTE, YOU GODDAMN PERVERT?!"
Ooohoohooohoo. This was going better than expected. Asuka had jumped to her feet and was pounding Suzuhara with gusto unexpected from one who had so recently been in a confectionery induced coma. Celestina couldn't quite stifle a giggle.
Blue eyes rimmed with massive amounts of black and green snapped open then narrowed as they glared at her, a clenched fist paused in mid punch and a mouth that looked as if it was the result of a small child trying out her mother's makeup twisted in anger. Touji just gurgled.
"Who the HELL are you," Asuka growled as she dropped Suzuhara and advanced upon the taller girl dangerously, "and what the FUCK is going on? WHY am I in a formal dress, WHY did Touji just attempt to rape me, where am I and..." her eyes widened as though she'd just remembered something, "WHY WERE WE STUCK IN A CHOCOLATE SHOP?"
"Look, look, it's not what it seems," Celestina started nervously, holding up her hands. "We were the ones who actually RESCUED you and Misato -"
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MISATO?"
Celestina squeaked and pointed at the roof of the shop above them. "She's up there!"
Those on the ground turned as one to stare at the mounded heap on the roof that glistened in the afternoon sun. Then their faces changed.
"Holy..."
Celestina watched as if through warped glass, the air tugging like syrup at her limbs, pulling her back and distorting time so that everything was sluggish and yet happening in a split second. She saw two figures, hair streaming and silhouetted by the glare drop onto the house to make the dust swirl giddy in their wake. She saw a delicate boot and a chunky heel placed precisely on the edge of the undulating mass, and she saw that same heel give a decided little push that changed everything. Misato rolled slowly; but as more of her slid soft over the gutter with a sudden jerk she slipped tumbling downwards, battered and rippled by the wind as she plunged.
For no real reason, The Vines' Outtathaway started blasting out of the ground. Shutters flapped open and heads were thrust out of windows along the street, and the only oddly cohesive intelligent thing Celestina could think as her limbs stiffened and locked in place when she tried to move was: My god. Not only do they fucking mind swamp me and not even care WHO sees them, but the little bitches have to have their own THEME SONG.
Misato's fall crushed an overhanging ledge, and Celestina prepared herself for the impending splatter when out of the corner of her eye she saw something. Running and panting and clearly terrified, a streak of dark blue sprinting like lightning across the road. It must have seen Asuka, because it skidded to a halt and Celestina saw Shinji, on the verge of tears about to shout something -
When he was crushed by about half a ton of Katsuragi.
The music stopped.
Celestina glanced from side to side. The look on the face of everybody mirrored what was no doubt at the moment her own. Jaw open. Eyes twitching. Possibly the most severely bloody stunned was Asuka, who stood perfectly still a metre away from the heap with her hand still outstretched and trembling towards it.
From up on the roof came a faint, "...Damn."
"Um, we can fix him, right?"
"Yeah, I reckon we should be able to."
And then the guitars slammed back into life and the two girls flung themselves off the ledge and swooped down to descend crackling with power and malevolence before them. The clouds darkened behind them, the wind blew cold and eerie, and they shot her shattered grins with their beautiful, too perfect mouths like demented changeling kittens.
No, don't fall for their goddamn illusions and atmospheric techniques they stole out of bad horror movies, YOU know what they're really like, YOU know who they used to be, you can DO this, they don't scare you -
"Oh. Hi Celestina," Sanguia almost whispered, and gave her a little wave.
Holy SHIT.
"MUM! REI! YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!"
/I see and hear ALL, Kaworu./
Rei sat quietly in her corner and waited patiently to be informed of what her brother had discovered. He had burst into the room more distraught than he had been all day, and the only thing, apart from abusing her, that evoked any emotion in him recently had been events concerning Ikari's son. She had left the room after Kaworu's celebrations after Shinji's escape had grown so loud as to distract her, and had spent the remainder of the time conversing with her mother and strategically analysing the situation, but had missed what was going on. Reading the combinations of facial muscles that formed themselves into 'emotions' on her brothers head, she was able to discern rage, anxiety and fear tinged with pity and disgust. Mentally she congratulated herself. Those flash cards Lilith had provided her were proving to be highly effective. Soon, she would attempt to simulate some of those 'expressions' herself.
"But - then you KNOW?"
/Well , yes actually. It's very sad, of course - /
"IT'S MORE THAN VERY SAD! Just tell me whether he's alive or dead you stupid woma -"
/TABRIS!/
Oh no. Rei already had a headache from the screamings of previous arguments, and she didn't think that she could endure any more. It was time for some action.
She walked softly into the centre of the room and assumed the muscular position that she took to be a 'placating smile'.
Kaworu jumped, and there was a gasp from within the walls themselves.
/REI! Are you sick?/
"Are you in hideous agony?"
/Has the shock caused your anthropomorphic self-image to contort into horrible spasms? Dear? Dear! KAWORU! Get her some water, quickly!/
Rei was slightly put out. "I am not in pain," she stated through stretched lips. "I was merely attempting to put a stop to your conflict by projecting a positive emotion and entreating both of you to tell me the events that initiated the said conflict. Would you please oblige?"
With much gesticulating and screeching and despair, Kaworu told her.
"I see."
"AND COULD YOU STOP MAKING THAT FACE?"
"Are you going to return to your former conflicted state?"
/No darling. But really. Please just be normal again./
Rei did so.
/Now, you two; I was hoping that it wouldn't come to this, but those awful girls have left us no other choice. I'd like you to hold still, because I'm going to take you into a part of my mind that you've never been before./
Beside her, Kaworu started backing away. "Hey, if this is what Kezrechiel told me about, with the horror and the terror and the disco, I don't want any part in it. Hey, no - you can't, I DON'T WANNA -"
He never finished the sentence because he disappeared.
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Only YOUR flames can stop the terror. Or possibly prolong it. I'm not sure.
I have decided that rather than updating rarely in large horrible stretches, I'll update frequently in shorter, equally horrible bursts of whatever dodginess I can write in a week. You gets what you gets. I'm actually quite surprised at the response I received, in that they weren't all flames informing me that I SUXORED BEANXORS!!!!!!111, as I had been expecting. Heh. Well they haven't all been yet. So thanks guys, for taking delight in my crap.
Oh yes; and I lost my pretty crossing out of TABITHA formatting in the first chapter, so if it s little nonsensical, now you know why. You'll just have to imagine TABITHA crossed out with a big line when you come across it. For before. Imagine in reverse, or something.
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"No you idiots! Not there! NOT THERE - "
There was a sickening crunch, and Ritsuko Akagi cringed as Makoto and Aoba singlehandledly managed to destroy several thousand dollars worth of equipment by tripping over a power cable and crashing to the floor. It took a few seconds for her brilliant if extremely stressed mind to calculate just HOW many hours of extra work it would take to replace what the two had just dashed to pieces, but when it did, it made her very unhappy. It made her so unhappy that she first threw her clipboard to the ground, then jumped up and down on it, then swore because in doing that she had stubbed her toe on a passing trolley, then screamed a scream of sheer exhaustion, frustration and anguish, then limped over with a face like thunder to tell them exactly what she thought of their latest act of stupidity.
"Do... you... REALISE..." she hissed, descending upon the two with the kind of maniac eyes usually reserved for escaped knife wielding psychopaths, "exactly what *I* will be required to DO in order to fix this?
The faces staring up at her sheepishly from amongst the wreckage hastily assumed expressions of terror.
"Look, Ritsu, it was an accident, ok? We didn't PLAN it or anything!" Makoto began, but ended the sentence in a squeak as the visage of one PISSED OFF scientists was pressed so close to his own that he could smell the stale coffee on her breath.
"The giant mirrored disco ball in the shape of Gendo's head was supposed to be hung from the top of the Magi Balthazar," she stated, in a very calm, precise tone. "Not, as you two apparently thought, from the Magi Caspar." The voice began to speed up and tremble. "It is bad enough that I have been assigned the organization of this ENTIRE PROJECT, and it is even worse that I have not slept in TWO DAYS. However - "
Aoba had taken this opportunity to start edging slowly away, and collapsed on the shards of Gendo's nose when Ritsuko whipped around and barked in his ear. "WHERE THE *HELL* DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?"
He froze. The woman turned slowly to address them both.
"However. It makes this unfortunate job much, much, MUCH harder for me if I am expected to do it while constantly fearing the worst because I have been dealt incompetent MORONS," her voice rose to a hysterical shriek, "WHO DON'T EVEN LISTEN TO WHAT THEY'VE BEEN TOLD! HOW MANY TIMES DID I TELL YOU WHERE TO PUT IT? OVER FIVE BLOODY TIMES, THAT'S HOW MANY, and when I turn my back EVEN FOR A SECOND - "
It must have been Aoba and Makoto's lucky day. An extremely hesitant Maya sidled over and tapped Ritsuko on the shoulder, causing her to turn her back for a second. They used this second to run away very fast, but the scientist was unaware of this as she spun and glared at the girl. "WHAT?"
"Um," Maya said nervously, flinching at the outburst, "Mr Ikari would like to see you. He says it's urgent, and he wouldn't tell me why, but just said that... The Horribly Scary Mysterious Secret Project Thing was stirring?"
For a moment, Ritsuko's blood ran cold. She started to say something, but stopped and shook her head. "Were - did GENDO capitalise it?" she finally managed.
Maya nodded.
It was then, once again, that Ritsuko Akagi realised that this was going to be a VERY long day.
Shinji was free!
Far off, in another dimension, whilst consuming popcorn, an angel punched the air and screamed in triumph.
Shinji's bare feet were slapping painfully on the pavement, he was covered in rotting vegetables, his heart felt like it was going to explode in his chest and he had a wriggling penguin stuffed into his pants, but even these things were an improvement on what he had just escaped from. A week ago, the boy would probably have crawled into a fetal position and started repeating 'I mustn't run away' to himself by this point. Things had changed. He had just scrambled out of a third floor window and landed in a dumpster to save himself from a shape changing psychopath who kept him locked in a living hell of mind control, and after ALL THAT he was DAMN WELL gonna run away. He didn't know where he was going, just that he had to get out, running blindly down the streets as his mind raced with panic and adrenaline. She would come after him, of course, and that was why he had to be anywhere, go anywhere that was SAFE, that somewhere that could protect him. Nerv! Yes! He had to get to Nerv head quarters and tell them everything! He had to get there before she did - before THEY did, before they did this to anyone else. He'd heard TWO voices as he'd sat paralysed on the couch, heard something about Rei, and Lilith, heard the new voice babbling and was just able to register that: 'Oh god... they've got Kensuke too...' before his brain had switched onto automatic and he'd gotten the hell out of there. He'd opened the window and was preparing to inch out onto the ledge when a large feathery something had catapulted itself onto the back of his head and sent him spiralling into the rubbish, and now he was tearing across the city for his life. Shit shit SHIT! What the hell was he gonna DO? If only he had somebody, ANYBODY able to help but Kaworu was dead and god knows what had happened to Misato and -
Rounding a corner, he stopped short in front of Asuka.
"Eugh," said Touji, repulsed yet fascinated and making the noise universally indicative of horror and disgust. "Euuugh. I mean - God. Uh - I- EUUUUUGH."
Celestina nodded grimly. "My thoughts exactly, Grilli-o. This is a crime BEYOND simply forcing everybody within a five mile radius to love you. This is manipulation for the worse of a character's cannon appearance, and as you can see," Touji saw her glance at his stricken expression, "it just ain't pretty."
It wasn't. Amidst the dust and plaster and large black flying motorbike (which Celestina had INSISTED was necessary to transport them from his house to the chocolate shop) lay two gargantuan piles of flesh which Touji had originally mistaken for giant deformed slugs. Slick with brown mucous, festooned with the tatters of wrappers, they rippled and wobbled with every breath their owners took, tiny limbs flailing weakly at the air. It was only when Touji caught sight of a scrap of purple hair amidst one quivering mass that the full impact hit home. He hated Asuka, but DAMN, he wouldn't have wished that one ANYBODY, and as for Misato...
The shock of seeing somebody so formerly hot reduced to the state of a pig- worm-walrus was nearly too much for the poor guy. After all, he'd been through a lot that day, so shuddering and flattening himself against the opposite wall was probably the mildest reaction one could hope for. "Can't... Who... Why would anybody DO something like this?" he asked, and hoped his voice wasn't shaking.
"A number of reasons," Celestina answered, angrier than he had ever seen her before their half hour acquaintance. "Pettiness, insecurity, the need for a pathetic rush of power, a depraved attempt at humour, the list goes on. But what drives most 'Sues to it," her eyes narrowed, "is sheer, irrational jealousy." Then as soon as it had come, the look passed and she continued brightly, "Luckily, in this case it's easily curable! Now, where was that stuff I took down?"
"Just a second! Huh? How do you cure them? With what?"
The girl scrabbled in her pockets for a second, then withdrew a scrap of paper and grinned. "All will be revealed, my primate friend. Just take a look at this!"
Touji took it dubiously. It was written on pink paper which had some form of multicoloured chibi animals who could possibly have been people on it, and in an extremely curly scrawl. All in all, it was a GIRL object, and he felt like he had crossed some uncomfortable boundary into an alien territory just holding it. Hesitantly he read:
Lilith's Big List of Stuff to Do!
1. Force Touji to simply face facts about that adorable Kensuke boy. He's being very silly; I give you permission use force or shoujo manga plot devices if necessary.
"Just where did you get this from?" he yelped. Celestina rolled her eyes.
"Mrs Lilith got me to write it down while you were running around panicking and reforming your life beliefs about god, the universe and the origin of humanity. Y'know? Just BEFORE Bikey crashed through your window? And just AFTER your little chat with Lilith and Kaworu? Or did you forget?"
Touji had not forgotten that conversation. It threatened to make him blush even now, and he really DIDN'T want to discuss it. "...Bikey's a stupid name for a bike." was all he could mumble in response.
"You said that before. Now read the rest!"
2. There is only one sure fire way to return those lovely girls to their previous state of loveliness. You must ...
Touji read the rest. He dropped the paper. "No!" he yelled. "No way! You can't seriously expect me to do this!"
"Well I do!" the girl countered, and advanced on him with her hands on her shapely, belt laden hips. "Look, the big lady on the cross is right. In order to rehabilitate those poor victimised hippos over there, we've gotta go something drastic. We've gotta turn their own power against them. We've gotta make use of Teen Movie cliché number 34, also beloved by self insertions the world over: one of us, and I'm afraid it's going to be you..." she paused, then whipped out a tuxedo from behind her back and squealed, "has gotta take them to the PROM!"
Somebody had pried her into something about seventy sizes to small for her, and even though she was hovering on the brink of consciousness, Asuka was damn pissed off about it. It was also inconsiderately cold, and windy, she noticed as she regained a few more of her senses, and people were shouting things about her. Rude things, things that deserved slappings, and as soon as Asuka could work out how to move her body again, those people were going to get some.
"This is the STUPIDEST IDEA EVER. When the hell is it gonna start to work?"
"You actually have to go NEAR her, Touji. That would help. That would actually help quite a LOT, as the rules state that you'll find her incredibly attractive - "
"But she's NOT incredibly attractive! I don't find her hot at all! And why ME?"
"Number one, because I'm a GIRL, in case you hadn't noticed, and the kind of people who write this stuff are ALWAYS het shippers, and number TWO, you've hated her forever. Guy who has always indulged in petty insult hurling with girl sees her at prom all dressed her best to look incredibly attractive, and BAM, she is! But he's gotta try and makes some moves on her first, or other wise it's just not SATISFYING. It's known as the hair-up- shiny-dress transformation, or otherwise the princess and the frog, if you GET WHAT I MEAN."
"Why are you nudging me?"
"You DO get what I MEAN, right?"
"What? What...?"
"Come on Tarzan, you're nearly there..."
"...I HAVE TO KISS HER?"
"Only once! Ok, I know she's kind of... incapacitated, and... hideously hideously unsexy at the moment, but please, just TRY to wrap your little hormonal brain around the idea? Imagine her jumping around like a weasel in glasses, if you want."
"NO! NO WAAAAAAAAAAY!"
"You HAVE to..."
Asuka didn't know what in the SEVEN HELLS was going on here, but by GOD, she was going to do something about it. First, she was going to smash the little bitch who called her unsexy and who tried to set her up with possibly the lowest life form on earth, TOUJI, into the other side of next week. THEN she was going to unleash such a volley of stinging handprints onto the neanderthal face of that moronic bastard with no taste Suzuhara that he'd be knocked out before he hit the ground, THEN - no, actually BEFORE she knocked him out, but while he was still twitching on the pavement, she was going to jump up and down on certain parts of his anatomy until his idiot mind crumpled in on itself with the pain, THEN she was going to deliver a drop kick to his nose. All of which she would do in just a second. It was strange. She didn't seem to be able to jump to her feet and start screeching bloody murder like she was accustomed to, and she couldn't quite remember what had happened last night. Uh... ah well! She'd smash them GOOD, as soon as she was able to open her eyes and remove the spongy weights which seemed to have attached themselves to her limbs. In the mean time, she returned to that most staple of her daydreams, and that which was most often translated into real life, the Asuka Violent Fantasy.
THEN she was going to tie Touji to a massive billboard that said 'ASUKA IS THE BESTEST' and get into her Eva and be about to crush him!
"Spare me, spare me, Asuka Langley Soryuu!" he would cry.
But she would never spare such a disgusting unhot immature gorilla boy on account of him being disgusting and unhot and immature, so he would be squished good, yeah, like a bug. And THEN the entire school and Nerv and Seele would throw her a party, and a parade, and KAJI would be there and Rei wouldn't be invited and would cry alone at night and THEN she and Kaji would get MARRIED! And Asuka would have the prettiest dress EVER, and dumkoff Shinji would come running in at the last minute, and he would be all like super jealous and upset cos Asuka was marrying Kaji, the man of her DREAMS, and all because Shinji was such a weak little waffle who never made a move and there would be NOTHING HE COULD DO ABOUT IT!
"Marry me, marry me, because I am in love with you, much more than I ever was with that manky angel guy or crappy Wondergirl, oh beautiful goddess of perfection who I am in love with!" he would cry.
And then Asuka would be all like "Nuh-UH!" and she would marry Kaji and they would have a HONEYMOON in the WILDERNESS, on a desert island, with coconuts and slave monkeys and THEN...
"Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelll....? Hey Romeo, you wanna hurry it up a little? The sooner we get this over with, the sooner you get to be a knight in trakkiedak armour and rescue your little booooooooyfriend -"
"SHUT UP."
"Sorry, sor-RY, a little touchy aren't we? Just cos you - that expression really doesn't suit you, y'know. You're gonna burst a blood vessel - hey! Hey! GET BACK HERE! Ok, I'm sorry, jeez, but c'mon, could we just get this over with? And you pick that bottle back up, mister! Misato is NOT a drink rest!"
"...who's gonna kiss Misato anyway? Cos I haven't hated her for ages at all."
"I dunno. Um... maybe me?"
"....."
"...IS THAT A NOSE BLEED? AHAHAHAHAHAHA! I can tell what YOU were thinking about! HAH! THE BOY IS INTO YURI! I was just joking, but HAR HAR HAR *HAR*, how glad I am I did! The mind of the teenage guy is such an amusing place. Oooooooh, you're bleeding all over your shirt and bow tie, how CUUUUUUUUUTE..."
Unfortunately for Touji, he decided to distract Celestina by kissing Asuka Langely Soryuu at the exact moment that she returned to consciousness.
...and THEN in space there would be robot detectives who would help her solve mysteries, and Legolas would tell her -
WHAT?
THE?
FUCK?
Asuka was no stranger to being kissed. She'd had more blond german toyboys in various ill-fated attempts to make Kaji jealous than most otakus had consumed imported boxes of pocky, but never before in her life had she been kissed so phenomenally badly. Judging from the grunts and dorito smelling breath, she had a fair idea of who it was who was defiling her like that, and, being Asuka, she reacted.
The girl was never quite sure afterwards exactly what happened, but she definitely remembered a loud sparkly noise. It sounded like: swwwmmmiiiirng! And after that noise it was suddenly the easiest thing she had ever done to scream in pure fury and launch a massive right swing that hit the gorilla's nose with a satisfying SNAP and which sent him flying off her and - over the edge of a PRECIPICE?
In the second before the stilettos she suddenly realised she was wearing buckled and sent her stumbling backwards, Asuka saw that she was on flattened roof of some building in the shopping district which was decorated feebly with streamers and balloons, and that she was staring into the face of a complete and female stranger. She struggled to stay upright but slipped with a gasp, only to land on something hard and chair like, smashing beneath her and making the sky drop sharply as both she, and it, were flung off the concrete.
Just as the air rushed stinging in her eyes, she heard somebody yell, "HEY! We didn't get to try my spiked punch!" then, "Oh what the hell," and she caught a glimpse of something white soar past. But she didn't really have time to process it, as her vision was abruptly filled up with Touji Suzuhara.
Thankfully, after that it went black.
"Shoujo moment number two hundred and fifty SEVEN!"
Celestina grinned and the camera snapped. Flashes of light fell on two people lying in the street, who while individually being no great cause for amusement were together absolutely priceless. Fate worked in ways that human beings just couldn't understand, and one of the inscrutable decisions of fate had been to make Asuka fall in a very interesting position on top of Touji. Hey, Celestina wasn't complaining. She could make good money out of the pictures.
Neither of them were really hurt, of course, as one of the perks of being an insertion was that you could extend to your friends the magical power of being able to survive falling off moderately tall buildings, and the only thing fractured was the pavement. Asuka was back to normal. Well, almost. Her vermilion formal dress fitted her quite nicely now, and it certainly went with her flaming hair, but... the taller girl winced. The makeup was a little off. It was just, when she was all gross and fat, there was so much MORE of her to put super-pretty cosmetics on. And when she changed back, the amount of skin occupied by eye shadow and lipstick had stayed the same, even though the features underneath it had shifted and grown considerably smaller. Basically, she looked like a cross between a drag queen and... a really SKANKY drag queen. The dazzling smile that graced Siobahn's gorgeous face was perhaps a little evil. It would interesting to see how long it would be, and how many people they could be seen by before pilot 02 noticed.
The reason for this unexpected antagonism was that Celestina was still a little annoyed at Asuka for totally ruining the prom. She had worked HARD on that prom! The top of the chocolate shop had been so PERFECT, and sunny and nice. It had taken ages to hang those streamers, and cause the grog to appear out of nothing, not to mention the colossal strength of will it had taken to FORCE Touji into that tux. She'd spied on him changing. Hee hee. Gorilla actually had quite a good body, if you ignored the stunted brain that controlled it...
Just a second, where was she? She was getting distracted. Oh yeah! While it had been harrowingly fascinating to see a blob mold itself into a teenage girl like the wind let out of a lumpy flesh balloon, she hadn't expected her to wreck EVERYTHING, just like that. She'd expected a minor tantrum, which contained just enough destruction to be funny, but not this. Still... Celestina sighed. Oh well. Maybe there would be promdelicious opportunities later, which could be arranged once they actually got on the road. She'd just get one more shot, then she'd wake them up. An idea popped brightly and brilliantly into her head. Ahah. Ultimate blackmail photo, about to be arranged.
Hardly daring to breathe, she tiptoed over to the sleeping couple - ehehe! they looked like a couple! - and delicately tugged at a black sleeve containing a tanned browned hand. If she could just maneuver it like THIS, and place it just there... Heh. She was such a hentai.
Click.
There; a picture of one gorilla feeling up one sleepy german with her overly rouged face nuzzled into the crook of his neck. Exxxxxxxxxcellent. And now, to sit back and watch the entertainment.
"Hey guys! Wakey WAKEY!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!"
"WHO HIRED THE PROSTITU -" THWACK.
"Just WHO are you calling a PROSTITUTE, YOU GODDAMN PERVERT?!"
Ooohoohooohoo. This was going better than expected. Asuka had jumped to her feet and was pounding Suzuhara with gusto unexpected from one who had so recently been in a confectionery induced coma. Celestina couldn't quite stifle a giggle.
Blue eyes rimmed with massive amounts of black and green snapped open then narrowed as they glared at her, a clenched fist paused in mid punch and a mouth that looked as if it was the result of a small child trying out her mother's makeup twisted in anger. Touji just gurgled.
"Who the HELL are you," Asuka growled as she dropped Suzuhara and advanced upon the taller girl dangerously, "and what the FUCK is going on? WHY am I in a formal dress, WHY did Touji just attempt to rape me, where am I and..." her eyes widened as though she'd just remembered something, "WHY WERE WE STUCK IN A CHOCOLATE SHOP?"
"Look, look, it's not what it seems," Celestina started nervously, holding up her hands. "We were the ones who actually RESCUED you and Misato -"
"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MISATO?"
Celestina squeaked and pointed at the roof of the shop above them. "She's up there!"
Those on the ground turned as one to stare at the mounded heap on the roof that glistened in the afternoon sun. Then their faces changed.
"Holy..."
Celestina watched as if through warped glass, the air tugging like syrup at her limbs, pulling her back and distorting time so that everything was sluggish and yet happening in a split second. She saw two figures, hair streaming and silhouetted by the glare drop onto the house to make the dust swirl giddy in their wake. She saw a delicate boot and a chunky heel placed precisely on the edge of the undulating mass, and she saw that same heel give a decided little push that changed everything. Misato rolled slowly; but as more of her slid soft over the gutter with a sudden jerk she slipped tumbling downwards, battered and rippled by the wind as she plunged.
For no real reason, The Vines' Outtathaway started blasting out of the ground. Shutters flapped open and heads were thrust out of windows along the street, and the only oddly cohesive intelligent thing Celestina could think as her limbs stiffened and locked in place when she tried to move was: My god. Not only do they fucking mind swamp me and not even care WHO sees them, but the little bitches have to have their own THEME SONG.
Misato's fall crushed an overhanging ledge, and Celestina prepared herself for the impending splatter when out of the corner of her eye she saw something. Running and panting and clearly terrified, a streak of dark blue sprinting like lightning across the road. It must have seen Asuka, because it skidded to a halt and Celestina saw Shinji, on the verge of tears about to shout something -
When he was crushed by about half a ton of Katsuragi.
The music stopped.
Celestina glanced from side to side. The look on the face of everybody mirrored what was no doubt at the moment her own. Jaw open. Eyes twitching. Possibly the most severely bloody stunned was Asuka, who stood perfectly still a metre away from the heap with her hand still outstretched and trembling towards it.
From up on the roof came a faint, "...Damn."
"Um, we can fix him, right?"
"Yeah, I reckon we should be able to."
And then the guitars slammed back into life and the two girls flung themselves off the ledge and swooped down to descend crackling with power and malevolence before them. The clouds darkened behind them, the wind blew cold and eerie, and they shot her shattered grins with their beautiful, too perfect mouths like demented changeling kittens.
No, don't fall for their goddamn illusions and atmospheric techniques they stole out of bad horror movies, YOU know what they're really like, YOU know who they used to be, you can DO this, they don't scare you -
"Oh. Hi Celestina," Sanguia almost whispered, and gave her a little wave.
Holy SHIT.
"MUM! REI! YOU HAVE TO SEE THIS!"
/I see and hear ALL, Kaworu./
Rei sat quietly in her corner and waited patiently to be informed of what her brother had discovered. He had burst into the room more distraught than he had been all day, and the only thing, apart from abusing her, that evoked any emotion in him recently had been events concerning Ikari's son. She had left the room after Kaworu's celebrations after Shinji's escape had grown so loud as to distract her, and had spent the remainder of the time conversing with her mother and strategically analysing the situation, but had missed what was going on. Reading the combinations of facial muscles that formed themselves into 'emotions' on her brothers head, she was able to discern rage, anxiety and fear tinged with pity and disgust. Mentally she congratulated herself. Those flash cards Lilith had provided her were proving to be highly effective. Soon, she would attempt to simulate some of those 'expressions' herself.
"But - then you KNOW?"
/Well , yes actually. It's very sad, of course - /
"IT'S MORE THAN VERY SAD! Just tell me whether he's alive or dead you stupid woma -"
/TABRIS!/
Oh no. Rei already had a headache from the screamings of previous arguments, and she didn't think that she could endure any more. It was time for some action.
She walked softly into the centre of the room and assumed the muscular position that she took to be a 'placating smile'.
Kaworu jumped, and there was a gasp from within the walls themselves.
/REI! Are you sick?/
"Are you in hideous agony?"
/Has the shock caused your anthropomorphic self-image to contort into horrible spasms? Dear? Dear! KAWORU! Get her some water, quickly!/
Rei was slightly put out. "I am not in pain," she stated through stretched lips. "I was merely attempting to put a stop to your conflict by projecting a positive emotion and entreating both of you to tell me the events that initiated the said conflict. Would you please oblige?"
With much gesticulating and screeching and despair, Kaworu told her.
"I see."
"AND COULD YOU STOP MAKING THAT FACE?"
"Are you going to return to your former conflicted state?"
/No darling. But really. Please just be normal again./
Rei did so.
/Now, you two; I was hoping that it wouldn't come to this, but those awful girls have left us no other choice. I'd like you to hold still, because I'm going to take you into a part of my mind that you've never been before./
Beside her, Kaworu started backing away. "Hey, if this is what Kezrechiel told me about, with the horror and the terror and the disco, I don't want any part in it. Hey, no - you can't, I DON'T WANNA -"
He never finished the sentence because he disappeared.
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Only YOUR flames can stop the terror. Or possibly prolong it. I'm not sure.