Sheik's Drunken Day

Disclaimer: All characters, places and names within this story belong to Nintendo (from their Legend of Zelda franchise). None of this belongs to me except the story.

Warning: AU (Alternate Universe), extreme OOC (Out Of Character), nasty…bits, utter nonsense, etc. Written under the influence of boredom, long, long ago. In a galaxy, far, far ….erm, wrong story.

A/N:* Commentary (i.e. crappy nonsense) by author (me- duh) is in BOLD .

       *------- Dotted lines hold conversations and actions NOT concerning the actual madness, er, plot. It's a sort of backstage OR offstage, whatever you wish to call it.

        * Insanity beyond. Beware.

*~*~*

Sheik and Link were in Lon Lon ranch enjoying the taste of Chateu Romani.

"Hey Link what shall we do? I have lots of energy after drinking Chateu Romani," slurred Sheik.
Link glanced at Sheik and saw the empty bottle, "Sheik! We just got that five seconds ago and you've finished it! You're drunk!"
Sheik eyed Link , "Why are there two of you? Crap, Now I hafta fight doubles *hiccup*."
Link sighed and got up, "C´mon lets get you to Hyrule Castle. Maybe Impa can do something for you...ACK! SHEIK! That was my new tunic!!" He glanced down at his stained tunic while Sheik cleaned his mouth with his sleeve.
"This is sick," cried Link.
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 Ow! WHAT are you doing?? (author)
Link: Hey THAT was my new tunic so ATLEAST make Sheik NOT barf in this twisted story of yours!"
*grumbling* Fine fine... *ting* there ya go, new tunic by magic now GET BACK IN THE STORY!

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"Well atleast my tunic is clean," sighed Link.
"Whaa....Ooooh Look! Malon is with da cOws...lets go," wobbled Sheik and staggered off towards Malon.
"No! Wait! You come back here RIGHT NOW! Geaaarrrrrrrrr!!! Link stomped off towards Sheik but when he got there Sheik had Malon shrieking, slumped over his shoulder.
"She...was being attacked by da cOws," blurred Sheik and vanished with a Deku Seed.
Link cried out in despair, "Now where in Hyrule has he gone to??!?!"

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And so begins Link in his most dangerous quest ever to find the Drunken Sheik and save the psychotic Malon.
Link: This isn't a quest! It's madness I tell you! MADNESS!
*claps hand over Link's mouth* Tune in next time and maybe this "QUEST" will continue *snickers*

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Anyway with Sheik having vanished Link willingly sets off to settle this madness...er.. Quest

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Link: Pfft, ye, right, "willingly".
*smacks Link on the head* Okay now YOU get out there before I make the Chickens attack you!
Link: oww...okay okay just don't make the chickens attack me....they freak me out...
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"Talon did you know Sheik just kidnapped your daughter? You should send search parties out for them or something so I won't have to do all the work," commented Link calmly.
Talon opened an eyelid and looked straight at Link, "wha, u wanna marry me gal? Ur just a boy. Com back 'ere when u grow uuup..." and nodded off to sleep.
"Stupid shrooms..." mumbled Link. He went outside and looked heavenward. "Now how in Hyrule can I find them? I better hurry before Sheik does any damage." said Link to himself and ran out of Lon Lon Ranch and quickly hopped on Epona ( which, by the way was "suddenly" there outside waiting for Link). Link galloped off towards Kakariko Village, Sheik's home, because he thought Sheik might have taken Malon home and Malon was so stupid she wouldn't do anything.

Anyway, once in front of Kakariko Village, Link urged Epona on. Epona neighed and walked backwards. "Why can't you go in, stupid horse????"
Epona neighed and backed away farther. Link, frustrated, kicked Epona. Epona shrieked and reared up sending Link flying to the ground.

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Link: Why can't Epona get inside Kakariko for the Goddesses sake??

I dunno. Don't ask me *throws Link back in the story*
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Grumbling to himself Link clambered up the stairs preparing for the worst. When he was at the stop of the stairs Link flared his nostrils. The density of the smoke was unbelievable.

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Link: Why are you snickering NOW???
Heh, you flared your nostrils *snickers*
Link: SO??? How am I supposed to breathe in there?? Give me a gas mask or something or I'll quit this story of yours.
Ah, ah, you can't
Link: and why NOT?
BECAUSE
Link: because....?
*sigh* you loopy head, I won't let you *flings Link back into the story*
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"Ow, that HURT!" cried Link rubbing his butt. He stood up and ran into the dense, black smoke waiting to see fire. Instead, the weird-punk-white-dude-that-always-sits-in front-of-the-tree was puffing on this gigantic cigar.
"What the Ganon do you think you're doing??" gasped Link clutching his throat.
The weird-punk-white-dude-that-always-sits-in front-of-the-tree looked up at Link.

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Come back soon to see this exciting quest of Link's
Link:: Get me outta here before I choke! I promise I'll stay in your story if we take a rest now!!
*grins* You said it! takes Link out of Kakariko twisted story village
Link:: *gasping* thanks
No prob *throws Link inside a box* Hehehe, just incase.
So will Link survive these haemorrhoids...er...smoke? Tune in next time into "Sheik's drunken Day" to see if our Hero survives
Link: HEY, I just realised WHY ISN'T MY NAME ON THAT TITLE???
Says Link inside a box *snickers* ..ALRIGHT ALRIGHT, just don't look at me like that. It scaaares me

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"You! How long have you been smoking that cigar??" muffled Link.
The pale guy looked up at him and said, "one week."
Link thought about this and wondered how come he hadn't noticed before....
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cuz you're dumb
Link: shaddup!
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"Well," started Link, his eyes watering, "have you seen a tall guy with a blonde mane carrying a ranch girl with red hair? They guy goes by the name of Sheik and the girl is Malon from Lon Lon Ranch.
Pale Guy (PG bheh heh/b) puffed a bit more of his cigar, "yeas I have."
"Where?" gasped Link, his breath getting thick with smoke.
"I saw them galloping off towards Zora's Domain."
"Thank you!" cried Link running away, not even bothering to figure out why they were going there.
Once in Zora's Domain, Link talked to the Bean Guy. (BG heh heh)
"Have you seen a tall guy with blonde hair wrapped like a mummy carrying a gril with red hair? how many girls with red hair are there in Hyrule...Oh wait there's Anju...and that Honey girl...and

"A GRIL???" yelled the BG.
"Oh sorry I meant girl."
"Well, speak properly man!"
"So have you..."
"No."
"Not even..."
"No."
"But I heard..."
"No."
"Screw you!" screamed Link and with a wave of his sword, BG's head flopped into the river. The river's sparkling blue water filled with darker blue tinge.

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Link: His blood was blue????
Yeah well, it's not as if I have a choice. Ever tried hitting Honey and Darling? Theirs is also blue
Link: Huh...I gotta try that...
Yeah and while you're at it why don't you just get rid of the whole Cucco population?
Link: Okaaay, BAAACK to the story...
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