Sheik's Drunken Day

Disclaimer: All characters, places and names within this story belong to Nintendo (from their Legend of Zelda franchise). None of this belongs to me except the story.

Warning: AU (Alternate Universe), extreme OOC (Out Of Character), nasty…bits, utter nonsense, etc. Written under the influence of boredom, long, long ago. In a galaxy, far, far ….erm, wrong story.

A/N:* Commentary (i.e. crappy nonsense) by author (me- duh) is in BOLD .

       *------- Dotted lines hold conversations and actions NOT concerning the actual madness, er, plot. It's a sort of backstage OR offstage, whatever you wish to call it.

        * Insanity beyond. Beware.

*~*~*


Link leapt over the Octoroks and squished the frogs on his way to Zora's Domain. He quickly played Zelda's lullaby and jumped into Zora's Domain. Once in Zora's Domain...

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Link: alright you've said Zora's Domain three times already! Stop it!
Oh right and what else do you want me to do? Make the sun bigger???
Link: I think you should stop having so much alcohol...
Link…
Link: Don't look at me like that OW okay okay I'll shut up now...
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Something blue flashed by Link and his breath caught as he saw the sleek Zora's dive gracefully into the icy waters.
"Come on in!" cried Ruto waving at Link from a platform above, "we just flushed the water this morning!"
Link made a face and , ignoring Ruto, walked past her to King Zora's Chamber. A fish (that very well may have been a whale instead of a fish), fat enough to cover the entrance behind him, sat staring stupidly at nothing.
"Er....King Zora...It's me Link."
King Zora stared dully at Link and said, "Go away. Sheik and Malon want to be alone."
"What, where are they??" cried Link, his patience breaking.
"They're behind me but I'll only move if you dance like a monkey and squeal like a pig three times."
"Please be kidding..."

Link stared at King Zora but refusing to do the Goron dance (dance like a monkey and squeal like a pig) he took out a fire arrow and aimed it at King Zora.
"What-what are you doing?!?!" yelled King Zora.
Link smirked and was about to let go of the string when Ruto came dashing inside her fins waving all over the place.
"Stop! In the name of Jabu-Jabu, STOP!" she cried.
"I don't want to stop in the name of Jabu Jabfins," said Link.
"If you stop I'll go out with you forever!" once more cried the desperate princess.
"Don't you realise that if I kill your father you'll be the queen?"
"Yes but I love my father."
"Too bad for you," said Link once more preparing the arrow.
Suddenly a wave of Zora's ran into the King's chamber. There were so many Link couldn't move or he'd be punched by these fish people. (??)

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Link: Now what am I supposed to do.
I don't know. Surprise me. You're the one in the story. I'm just making up everyone else
Link: Damn you!
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Link, suddenly getting a bright idea from...Ruto's head...yeah.. strung five fire arrows at once and shot the nearest Zora's instantly making them into sushi.
Then he used Din's fire instantly killing all the Zora's (well turning them into sushi) except King Zora and Ruto whom were on higher platforms.
"Alright I have had enough and I'm going to kill ANYONE I see in my way now so this story ends and.... Hey what the?!?…

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Listen YOU *grabbing Link by the shirt* I'm trying to do everything as hard for you as possible so this story is LONG...GOT THAT??
Link: y-y-yes
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(visibly shaken heh heh) Link walks calmly up to King Zora and says, "if you don't move I will move you by force."
"If you find my daughter Ruto I will move."
"But she's NEXT to you!"
"I can't turn my head because I don't have a neck. She's NOT next to me!"
Link made a desperate face at Ruto, "Please Ruto , tell him you're here."
"Only if you give me a kiss," smirked Ruto.
"What the!"

Link walked up to Ruto and stepped on her foot.
"OUCH!" screamed Ruto and she fell into the water.....blood coming out of her foot and her veins popping out. (Hey, I want to make this dramatic)

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OH MY GOD! I have to…GO! Yeah…

Link: What the! I'm not going to leave Ruto bleeding in the water....*gets hit by a shoe*
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"There's your princess!" cried Link pointing at the shrivelling Ruto floating in the water in front of King Sushi. King Zora turned green. "Oh My Jabu-Jabu!" he managed to spit out as he trembled with mixed feelings, "You've rid me of that annoying brat-daughter!" King Zora turned a beaming face towards Link. "Now what did you want? Anything to thank you!"
Link eyed King Zora then said, "Actually I forgot. I better get moving. Anyhoo, you're welcome!" Link skipped outside into the pouring sunshine. He squinted upwards and blinked at the sun. Now where is Sheik? He shouldn't be drunk now...
Suddenly, Link heard a sob next to him. He looked down and saw Malon half-clothed flopped on the ground sobbing. Link gasped and knelt beside Malon and gently touched her shoulder. Malon jerked and looked up at Link with glassy eyes, "Sheik!" she shrieked but seeing Link started wailing again.
"Dear Goddesses, did Sheik rape you?" asked Link.
Malon looked up at Link through her tear streamed face and clung to him. "NO! He didn't!!! I so wanted him to but he got freaked out by my Cow-Smelling Perfume™!! One sniff of that and he suddenly wasn't drunk anymore!! So he RAN AWAY!!" She screeched the last part clinging to Link savagely.
Link gasped (ignoring Malon), "He's not drunk anymore! Where is he?!"
Malon stopped crying abruptly and looked at Link. "You know....In the daylight you are more hot than Sheik."
Link stared at Malon with foreboding. "Dejá vú," he muttered and desperately tried to get Malon's strong hands off him. Link...

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Link: This is just SO disgusting! Please let me kill her! wtf?? WHERE'D MY SWORD GO?!?!?
Um yeah, it kinda disappeared...somewhere…

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...stood up trying to get away from Malon but she flung herself at him and threw him on the ground. As she pressed her lips to Link's he struggled but to no avail. Malon broke off the kiss and Link gasped for air. "I'm going to puke!" he cried. With one last effort he pushed Malon. Malon lost her balance and fell into the river behind her. Link watched with satisfaction as she was dragged away by the current and her screams were drowned. Link fixed his hat and walked away whistling.
"Now to find Sheik."

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Wait, before you move any further Link…
Link: Yeah...?
I don't think anyone wants to read this anymore
Link: Thank the Goddesses for that!
You idiot! *smacks Link on the head* I earn money....well audience with this story! Now you do something to win the crowd back or....or...YOU DIE points plastic knife at Link's throat
Link: Damn you, DAMN YOU!
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