CHAPTER ONE: MEMORIES (cont'd)

Giles opened the front door, surprised that anyone would be knocking at the late hour of the evening.  His eyes widened in surprise as he saw who had been knocking.

"Angel."

"Giles."

Giles stepped back a little, opening the door fully for him.

"Come in."

Angel nodded and stepped forward, his eyes darting around the room, taking in all that he had missed in the last few years.

"Where…where is she?" he asked quietly.

Giles pointed towards the stairs.

"She's in her room."

"And Dawn?"

"In her own room."

"How is she?" Angel asked, his voice full of concern.

"As well as can be expected," Giles said. 

Neither man knew what to say, the awkwardness that was still between them from Angel torturing him, and the horrible situation of being brought together by death had silenced them both.

"I'll be in the kitchen," Giles said, giving himself an excuse for leaving Angel's presence.

Angel nodded and headed up the stairs.  He took in the photographs on the wall, the pictures of Buffy, Dawn and Joyce together.  The only member left was Dawn, and she herself was not really to be considered a member of the family.

He continued up the stairs, towards Buffy's room.  He entered, slowly, silently, almost as though he were afraid to break the code of silence that had descended upon the Summer's household.

He saw her and felt his heart shatter.  Part of him was still denying the fact that she was gone.  But as she lay there, unmoving, unbreathing he knew the truth.

He fell to his knees beside the bed, tears flowing freely from his cheeks.

"Buffy," he whispered softly.

"You still my girl?"

"Always."

He had left her nearly two years ago, knowing that he had to leave so that they could get over one another, knowing that they could never be together.  He could never go in the sunlight and she…she would grow up.  She would grow old.  And he would stay in the same body, never growing old.

She deserved a chance at a natural, normal life.  Instead, she had given her life up at twenty years old.

"Let's just get you to fifty."

"Liking that plan."

If only he had have known…he could have stayed.  Maybe things would have been different.

He heard the door swing open and turned to face his intruder.

"Angel," Dawn whispered, recognising the man that she had met only a handful of times.

"Dawn."

Dawn took a step forward and knelt down beside him, silently trying to hate the man for causing her sister so much grief.  On the upside, she knew that the years that Buffy had spent with Angel had been the best ones of her life.

"How are you?" he asked softly.

She looked away from him, unable to meet his eyes.

"Been better," she answered, her voice choking up with emotion.

He nodded softly.  "I understand the feeling."

He looked at her, his eyes gone cold, his mind going back to what Willow had told him.  That Buffy had given her life to save Dawn's.  So much like Buffy to give up her own life to save another's.  Just as she had done for him before she had graduated from High School, before the Mayor's Ascension.

"Drink.  Drink me."

Dawn stood up suddenly and backed away from him.

"You think it's my fault don't you?"

He cast his eyes downward for a second before trying to meet her gaze.

"No," he answered, not convincing her at all.

"You think I should have died.  I'm not real, right?  I mean, you know I'm just this big green ball of energy that some stupid monks made!  You think I wanted this?  You think I wanted any of this?" She yelled, tears rolling down her face.  "Do you think I wanted her to die?"

He looked away, ashamed that he had been as selfish as that.  To not realise that Buffy had wanted her sister to live, regardless of the fact that she technically wasn't real. 

"I didn't want this.  Any of this."

He stood up, going o take a step towards her.  She took a step away from him and held up a hand.

"Don't.  Just don't."

~*~

Wednesday Afternoon.  After sundown.

Angel walked through the cemetery to find the group standing in a semi-circle around an open grave with a coffin suspended on brackets out of the ground.

The group had the screaming silence hovering over them once more, each of them staring at the deep mahogany coffin that held the girl whom they held dearly to their hearts.

Angel looked across the group and stopped suddenly, anger flaring up within him.

Spike was standing behind Dawn, his arms around her neck, protectively, comforting her.  He knelt down suddenly and whispered something in her ear.

Angel went to rush over towards them, tear Spike away from Dawn even though Dawn hated him, but instead he felt a hand touch his arm.

"Angel."

He turned to see Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn standing behind him, each in their best black and sombre outfits, fitting of the occasion.

"Cordy.  What are you doing here?"

Cordy tried to give a half smile through her unfallen tears.

"She was my friend too, you know."

Angel saw Wesley put a comforting hand onto Cordelia's shoulder.  The young woman turned around and found herself leaning into Wesley's embrace, reminded of a time long ago when she had found herself attracted to him.

Wesley stepped backwards and gave Cordelia a gentle push towards Gunn, who accepted the young woman's embrace a little awkwardly, eventually becoming more comfortable.

"I'll be over with Giles.  He's probably incredibly upset right now," Wesley explained.

Angel nodded, affirming his consent, and the fact that Giles being upset wasn't quite a strong enough phrase.

"Giles," Wesley greeted, causing the older man to turn around, startled to hear a voice calling his name in the silence.

"Wesley."

"It's good to see you again," Wesley said.  "I only wish it was in different circumstances."

Giles shook his head slowly, not really wishing to speak to the younger Watcher who had learnt that evil didn't come in 'controlled conditions', but in hoards and masses.

"Yes, so do I."

Wesley stood in silence a moment before looking past Giles towards where Dawn stood, still in Spike's embrace.

"Who's the young fellow with Buffy's sister?"

Giles turned and saw Spike and Dawn, looking as though they both wanted the earth to just suck them away from the graveyard.  Somehow, he wished he could join them if their wish was granted.

"That's Spike.  He's…he was a friend of Buffy's."

"Spike?  William the Bloody?"

"Yes," Giles said, answering only as much as he was prepared to offer.

"Does…does he have a soul as well?"

"No.  He chooses his own path."

Wesley stared at him intently before casting another look towards Spike and Dawn.

"A vampire without a soul holding a child in his arms.  Why do I feel so apprehensive?"

"He can be trusted."

Wesley looked at Giles doubtfully and continued to watch Spike with Dawn.

Wesley went to say something more but stopped as he saw the priest about to begin the ceremony that would confirm and finalise everything that no one there wanted to happen.

~*~

People began to filter away as the ceremony came to an end, the gathering there was small, select.  Only those that Buffy had truly loved were in attendance.

Spike took Dawn by the hand and gently asked if she wanted to leave.

"Can…can we stay?  Just for a little longer?"

He nodded and went to let go of her, but she continued to clutch at his hand, wishing that somehow their prayers would be answered.  That Buffy would be brought back to them.

Xander began to walk away, hand-in-hand with Anya who was still a little shaky after having a huge pile of bricks fall on top of her.  Xander gave Dawn a small encouraging smile, and continued to walk.

He stopped as he passed Giles.

"Did you want me to do a sweep tonight?" he asked softly.

Giles looked up, startled by the question.  He took off his spectacles, a confused look coming over his face.

"Perhaps…it would be best."

Xander nodded and covertly pulled a stake out from his sleeve.

"I figured one of us should be prepared."

"Yes…yes, of course."

Xander nodded and walked Anya over towards Willow and Tara.

"Anya, I want you to stay with Will.  I'm gonna do a sweep tonight…just in case."

Anya nodded and looked towards Willow, smiling slightly.

"Just…be careful."

Xander nodded and went off towards the main part of the cemetery, their old hunting ground to continue to do the work of the Slayer. 

Spike watched as Xander walked into the dark night, armed with only a stake and probably very little effort to be able to kill anything that attacked him.  He knelt down to Dawn's eye level and touched her shoulders.

"I'll be back in a few, okay?  Stay with Willow and the others."

"Where are you going?"

"Making sure Lackbrain doesn't get himself killed," he explained.

He began walking in the direction he had seen Xander wander in, hoping that he could merely lurk in the shadows and not have to try and make conversation with a man whom he couldn't stand, but didn't want to see dead.

He watched from the cover of bushes as Xander walked slowly through the cemetery, his shoulders hanging.  Spike could tell Xander's heart was not into the sweep he had offered to do.  And if you're hearts not in it, there's the chance that if death knocked, you would gladly open up to it.

Spike jumped a little as he saw a vampire rush out of the bushes opposite, leaping towards Xander, craving for fresh blood. 

Xander made no sound as he swiftly punched the vampire in the face, sending the new and hungry vamp to the floor.  Before the vamp could get up to defend itself, Xander began to kick its chest, again and again, crying out in anger as he did it.

Spike stayed hidden in the bushes understanding that Xander had to release the anger and frustration he was bottling up inside of him.  Taking out his anger on the new vamp was dangerous though, and Spike lingered, knowing that if Xander didn't stake the vamp soon, there could be an inordinate amount of trouble.

The vamp rolled away from Xander's foot, getting quickly to its feet and facing off with Xander.  The vamp swung and hit Xander, making him stumble but not fall.  Xander regained his footing and grabbed the vamp's shirt collar and pushed his back into a crypt, holding the vamp with one hand at the throat, wielding a stake in a threatening position in the other.

Xander quickly staked the vamp and fell to the ground, sobbing loudly.

Spike closed his eyes, not wanting to watch the silent grief of the man in front of him.  Instead, he turned and walked away, back to Dawn and those who loved her.

~*~

Spike held out his hand and smiled for the first time in the last week.

"I'm glad you could make it pet."

Buffy looked up at him and gave a soft smile, taking his outstretched hand.

"Were you waiting long?"

He shook his head, no.  "If I had to, I'd have waited forever."

She began leading him towards the entrance of his old crypt.  He hadn't been here since he had started to live in the Summer's home, taking residence in the basement, only to ensure he wasn't hit by any stray sunbeams.

"Why are we here, luv?" he asked.

She smiled coyly and lead him down the steps to his old hide-out.  The tv and VCR were gone, only to be replaced with large piles of dust and a cobweb with a small black spider in its centre.

She stopped and turned to him, taking his other hand in hers.

"Do you still love me?"

"'Til the end of the world."

She smiled and kissed him softly, letting her hands let go of his and move to his back, trailing up to his neck and playing with his short blonde hair.

"Will you wait for me?"

He pulled away, staring at her in confusion.

"Wait for you?  You're already here."

She smiled and kissed him again.

"You know this isn't real."

He pressed his forehead against hers and stole another kiss.  "If it's a dream, then don't let me wake up.  I could stay here forever."

She stepped away from him, dropping her hands away from his body.

"Wait for me."

He went to grab hold of her, but she took another step back.

"You're leaving? Again?" he asked, his voice hurt, the betrayal showing very obviously.

"I have to.  Will you wait?"

He shook his head.  "I don't want to bleeding wait!  I've already got you!"

She gave him a soft smile.

She reached her hand out to him and put it on his chest.  "You've got me here." She moved her hand to his head, caressing his cheek as she moved up.  "And here.  But not where it counts.  Wait?"

He stared at her, hurt, but eventually nodded.  "I'll wait for you luv."[/I]

Spike woke up with a start, taking deep gasps of air that his lungs didn't need.  He wiped the beads of sweat from his brow and law down on the bed that he had set up in the basement of the Summer's home.

He smiled, remembering the sweet kisses that his dream-girl had bestowed upon him. 

It was the first time his dream had ended with her still standing instead of lying flat on her back under a seven storey construction building. 

No matter how they ended though, the waking up would leave him to remember that she was gone.  And she wasn't coming back.

~*~

There were bright lights flashing around her, the whiteness stinging her eyes.  She held a hand up to shield them from the blinding light.

She felt someone take her hand and pull her to her feet.  She squinted in the light, trying to make out how the silhouette belonged to.

"Mom?"

The figure nodded and kept hold of her hand.

"Welcome home."

Buffy felt her heart leap into her throat.  She threw herself towards her mother, full of energy, suddenly full of life.

"It's so good to see you!" she exclaimed, taking a step back, trying to get a better look at her mom.  She tried to step around the other side so the light wouldn't be in her eyes, but wherever she went, the light kept shining at her.

Buffy stepped back, letting go of her mom's hand.

"Where are we?" she asked suddenly.

Joyce smiled and ran her hand through her daughter's hair.

"We're together.  That's what matters."

Buffy smiled and accepted her mom's warm embrace, enjoying the comfort that she felt as the arms encircled her.

Suddenly without warning, Buffy felt her mom being ripped away.  She tried to keep hold of her mom's hand, but the hand seemed to evaporate, and Buffy was being thrown backwards, plummeting into the darkness she had only just come from.

"Mom," she whispered softly, hating the heavy feeling in her chest.  She had lost her mom for a second time. 

Buffy felt herself fall onto a hard area, concrete, metal, sand, snow, she didn't know which. 

She stood up shakily, looking around her, trying to establish her bearings.

Buffy found herself standing inside her house.  Her heart leapt up, thinking that perhaps everything had just been a dream.  That maybe there was going to be another chance to save Dawn from Glory.

She saw the door to Dawn's room open and Dawn come walking out.

"Dawn!"

Dawn didn't turn, instead, she walked straight through Buffy, towards Buffy's room.  She opened the door, closing it as she went in.  Buffy tried to grasp the door handle, but felt her hand go through the door.  She took a step through the solid door and walked into the room, wondering what her sister was looking at.

She gasped as she saw herself lying on the bed, wearing the white top and grey pants that she had chosen for comfort and style.  She walked further in and saw Angel kneeling beside her body, weeping silent tears.

She went to walk forward, but Dawn, Angel and her dead body disappeared. 

She came face to face with Willow and her old self on the day after she had come back from her stay in another hell.  She watched as Willow and the old Buffy argued, each of them crying.  She watched as her mom walked in, angry, loving, caring.

Buffy followed them as they took the fight downstairs, but instead of there being the partygoers that had been there that night, she found herself watching the old Buffy walk into the house and find flowers for her mom. 

The old Buffy walked into the living room to see her mother lying on the couch, her eyes open, her heart still.

"Mom?  Mom?  Mommy?"

Buffy closed her eyes, hating that she was reliving the most painful day of her life. 

She opened them again and found her mother's body gone.  She looked around her and saw a blonde figure sitting in a seat, holding a fire poker.  Glory.

Dawn walked in behind where Glory and the old Buffy were arguing civilly, discussing the key that Buffy had 'stolen' from Glory.

Buffy took a step forward, forgetting that she could do nothing to stop the scenes of the past.  She rushed out of the living room and into the kitchen.

"You walk out of this house, don't even think about coming back."

Another painful moment in her life.  The day she was thrown out of her house and managed to kill her boyfriend all in one hit.  Not to mention losing Kendra, having Giles ripped away from her and managing to put both Xander and Willow in the hospital.  Not one of her finest hours.

She followed her former self out the door, only to find herself seated on the steps, Spike next to her, his hand reaching awkwardly to her shoulder and patting it comfortingly.  She watched as Spike withdrew his hand and continued to sit by her side.

She closed her eyes, trying to forget where she was, trying to forget where she had been.

She opened her eyes again and found herself holding onto the hand of the silhouette who had welcomed her before.  Her mom.

"It's good to have you here Buffy."

Buffy's heart smiled as Joyce stepped forward and hugged her daughter tightly, almost as though she was never going to let go.

The bright lights began to diminish and as Buffy managed to open her eyes completely, she took in their surroundings.  It was as though they were walking on a sheet of glass, but there was nothing there.  They were walking on air, looking down at the world with no fear.  No fear of falling.  No fear of dying.  No fear.

Buffy smiled as Joyce nodded towards the right and began taking her daughter in that direction.

Buffy didn't know what her journey earlier had meant.  All she knew was that she was glad she was finally with her mom.

~*~

Angel, having left Cordelia with Wesley and Gunn, watched as Dawn and Spike led the others back to the Summers' residence. He was having a hard time trying to figure out how exactly Spike fit into their little group.

Both Willow and Xander, and even Giles seemed to feel nothing was amiss as he entered the house. A few months ago he had heard rumours that there was a vampire who killed his own kind and was in alliance with the Slayer.

But Spike? 

The idea that Spike, of all vampires, would seek to help the Slayer was just ludicrous. Kill her perhaps, but nothing more.

Why would Spike chose to help her?  Why chose to fight his own kind?  The word would have spread if Spike had have been cursed with his soul.

Angel knew Willow was a powerful enough Wicca to perform the restoration of a vampire's soul, but why Spike's? 

Even if it were true, he reassured himself, Buffy would have told him about it.

His own childer, turned to the side of the light.  It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, having one vampire out of the blood contest was definitely a good thing, but…the question was why?  And how?  And for how much longer?

How long would Spike pull this stunt before turning on them all?

Angel couldn't help but think for a split second that it had been Spike who had killed Buffy.  That for a moment in time when he was fighting evil, he had thought to himself 'what am I doing?' and turned evil again.

Angel knew that he was reaching for an answer, but the desperation to find an answer was driving him to unlikely conclusions.

He sighed softly, knowing that even though he wanted to find the answers, he had a life in LA that he needed to get back to.  He had friends, and a job and…a responsibility.

Buffy was gone, and there was nothing he could do about that.

He silently resolved to stay in touch with Giles to keep tabs on his childe, and in the mean time, all he could do was wait.

~*~

Spike watched from Buffy's bedroom window and Angel stalked away into the night. As tempting as it was to go after him, he was needed here.

"Spike?" a tentative voice called.

Turning, Spike left Buffy's room, and sought out the person who had called him. Willow smiled at him gently as he stepped into the hallway. She had such knowledgeable eyes, he felt as though she could see straight into his dead heart to what he was feeling. He glanced quickly into Dawn's room, before turning back to Willow.

"How's she doing?" he asked.

Willow tilted her head to the side a little, telling him silently that Dawn was still completely beside herself with grief.

"Not fantastic, she's still awake."

"Do you want me to sit with her for a while," he offered.  "You and Tara should get home. Get some sleep."

Willow looked gratefully at the blond vampire, and not for the first time her heart went out to him. His pain was so obvious, but he chose to rise above it and be strong for the rest of them.

"Thank you," she said softly, her voice rising to no more than a whisper.  "I don't know that Dawn will be sleeping much tonight though.  You might be stuck here until tomorrow."

 Spike shrugged. Hell, he thought, it's not like I have any plans for tomorrow anyway.

Willow touched his shoulder gently as he passed her to walk into Dawn's room.

"Spike?" she called.

He stopped and turned to her.

"Good night."

He smiled a little and whispered the same to her.

He walked quietly into Dawn's bedroom and took the chair where Willow had been. He sat, watching as Nibblet tried to keep her tears to herself.  Slowly her breathing calmed and fell into a rhythm, telling Spike that she was finally asleep. He carefully stood and stretched his legs quietly, trying not to wake her.   He crept out of her room and back into Buffy's.

He knew he shouldn't be in there, but it was almost as though he was magnetically drawn towards her room. He could almost feel her presence in the room, her smell lingering in the air, taunting his nostrils, mocking his senses.

He lay down across Buffy's bed keeping his boots clear of the quilt. Her scent was all over the bed, and as he ran his hands back and forth over the quilt, he closed his eyes, willing his tears not to fall.

"Hello Cutie."

"Who are you?"

"You'll find out on Saturday."

"What happens Saturday?"

"I kill you."

Spike smiled at his own arrogance as he remembered the first time he had seen her fight. Such beauty, such rhythm, and something unique that made her Buffy.

Whatever it was, she had pulled him in hard and fast. He brought his fingers to his lips and smiled as he remembered the soft kiss she had given him not long back.

Of course, he had thought her to be his robot, not to mention the fact that he had been badly beaten and unable to enjoy it as much as he would have had he been completely aware. But still…she had kissed HIM.

"What you did for me, and Dawn...that was real.  I won't forget it."

Suddenly the tears that seemed so under control only seconds ago began to fall uncontrollably.  He lay there, taking in the scent of the girl who he knew he would be in love with for the next hundred years, and who could now never love him back.

~*~

Buffy watched in amazement with her mother, as the scene unfolded before her. She watched him as he watched over Dawn as she slept, and then stared, dumbfounded, as he went into her room and lay there crying for her. Her.

The man…vampire she had taunted mercilessly and punched more times than she could remember was mourning her. She had given him no hope of ever returning his affections, and he lay there, crying for her death.

She unconsciously reached out as if to comfort him, before realising that it was only a vision, and that she was the one person who would never be able to comfort him.

Joyce studied her daughter take in all that she had seen, and saw the emotions that swept across Buffy's face. After a moment Buffy turned in shock, oblivious to the teasing smile on her mother's face.

"He loves me. Really, really loves me."

Joyce gathered up Buffy in her arms, much like she used to when Buffy had been five, holding her closely.

"You've always known that honey. You were just too scared to believe in it."

"But…he can't…he…can he?"

Joyce gently brushed a strand of hair away from her daughter's face.

"You've seen that he does. He always will."

Buffy sighed, knowing that her mother was right, but not yet ready to come to terms with what that meant. Besides, it was too late now. She'd never have the chance to tell him.

She didn't know what she would tell him even if she had the chance to go back and tell him something.

Not that it mattered.  She would never get the chance to tell him anything ever again.  She would never be able to talk to him again, see him in the flesh, or touch him.  He would never be able to see her, even though she was able to watch him as he continued to go through life.