PART 2---Daydream Believer
It was just another ordinary day, or so I thought. I had been sitting at the table for quite some time, simply staring into my cup of tea completely oblivious to my surroundings. I find myself doing that a lot lately. I've never done that before, I mean why would a happily engaged woman be so quiet and so.so confused? Maybe it's because I now know something that I didn't for so many years. Or maybe I did and only recently did I accept my suspicions as reality, as the truth.
Niles Crane. He's the reason I don't know which direction I'm pointed in. He's the reason I have started to question every decision I have made over the years. He's the reason I haven't had a decent night sleep in the last six months. He is the reason for.for.for everything.
Rarely have I ever been so confused. I honestly did not know that such confusion could exist. The fact that I rarely see Niles anymore and the mere thought of him sends me into a deep and lonely confusion. It's almost as if I'm suffering from the plague because for the last few months, it only seems to be getting worse, never has there ever been a momentary remission from it. I long to see him but then get nervous and clammy when I do.
Donny is here, yammering into the phone to one of his clients, as usual. We were supposed to be going over wedding arrangements. His work always comes first. I can't begin to count the number of appointments we've had to reschedule because a client needs him. At this rate, our wedding won't be for another two or three years. He'll probably have to pencil it in his date book.
He's a divorce attorney, sometimes I wonder if he's even going to give himself fully to this relationship or any relationship for that matter. And other times I wonder if our marriage would even last because he makes his living busting up other people's marriages. I constantly wonder if there's a chance one day he'll be treating me like he treats his opponents in the courtroom. He can be so cruel to them and will walk out of the courtroom very proud of himself. That scares me. I know I don't want to live my life like that.
To make things worse he's gotten on my nerves as of late. Little things about him are really starting to bug. He's so sloppy for one. Walking into his apartment is like walking into a shopping mall the day after Thanksgiving and everything is thrown about. And he doesn't care. I'm not the neatest person in the world myself, but I certainly wouldn't consider myself to be a slob. Just because I don't like a one hundred percent sterile environment does not make me a maniac. Tidy is the word I think best suits me.
He drags me to all of these off the wall places, a monster car rally for instance. He had planned to go with Mr. Crane, the self-proclaimed father of the bride. At the last minute Mr. Crane came down with a rather nasty stomach virus and I had no choice go with him. I heard that Niles attended a play by himself that night. I would much rather have gone with him.
And then there are the dinners with co-workers or clients. I'm miserable most of the time. I have no idea what any of this legal mumbo jumbo means and Donny doesn't even take the time to explain it to me. "I'll tell ya later, honey," he says repeatedly and then never does. I've learned a great deal about the world of psychiatry thanks to Dr. Crane and Niles. They always spell things out for me. I never have to ask.
Donny doesn't always listen to me and I question how much he really knows about me after all this time. The little things about me such as my favorite book or my favorite movie, he doesn't know. Niles on the other hand, on more the one occasion knows something that I mentioned in passing years ago. If he brought it up, I'm thrilled that he remembered or even listened to me. "I care about you, Daphne. You're my best friend. Don't you think if we're best friends, we should know things like that?" He once told me. I knew from that moment that I could share anything and everything with Niles.
The worst thing of all, when I'm with Donny, I end up imagining what it would be like if I was sharing the moment with Niles. Things would be so different; they were wonderful when we just did things as friends. We are always ourselves. I've never put on a show for him and the Niles I know is so different from the Niles the rest of the world sees. Things are, well they're just wonderful. If our relationship was different, romantic perhaps, I think they would be even better.
In a way, I started all of this mess. I said yes to a man because I thought he was my last chance at marriage and a family. He promised me the stars and yet I knew he could never give them to me. For the first time, I went against my visions. They have never steered me wrong before. A vision brought me to Seattle. A vision told me my life would be completed here. A vision told me I would find a man who would make my dreams come true.
Donny wasn't in my visions. He just happened to cross my path. I would never have even met him if it weren't for Niles' need for an attorney. At first I enjoyed his company. Yes his height bugged me a bit. I've had to bend down to kiss men before, but never this much. There was always a little voice in my head that kept telling me this was wrong. That being in a relationship with him was wrong. That giving up on my dream of finding my soul mate, my equal was wrong.
I should have followed my instinct. I should have listened to my heart instead of my head. My heart kept telling me not to give up. Someone else more than deserves to hold the key to it and he's the man I should pledge my life to. I don't know if I have ever completely given Donny my heart. I gave him my hand. That's just an appendage, if I lose it I'll continue to live but if I lose my heart.I lose everything.
One's heart should beat for only one person, I'm not sure if mine beats for Donny. Not in the way it should at least. It sort of beats with an unexplainable irregularity. The murmur has only gotten worse since Christmas. At first I tried to ignore it, but as time wore on, I began to hear it ringing in my ears. It's annoying much like the ticking of a clock. There are times when it ticks really loud and there are times when you can barely hear it.
Lying in bed at night is the worst. On the nights that I share a bed with Donny, it tends to beat the loudest. I look over at him and wish I were alone. The beating of my heart keeps me awake at night. Believe me, an irregular heartbeat is not something you want to hear. It's sort of an annoying reminder that there's something wrong with you. No doctor would be able to diagnose me though. There's nothing medically wrong with me. I'm lovesick, heartsick and soul sick if it's possible to be all of those at the same time. I take that back, there is one doctor who could diagnose me. I know he probably has the perfect prescription to cure me too.
And on more than one occasion, I couldn't believe I was exploring a new relationship just as Niles was released from a hellish one. And with his divorce attorney to boot. That had to have been horrible for him. I remember the first time Niles saw the two of us together. I could tell he was crushed. I saw it in his eyes. And I know that he desperately tried to cover it up. What I wouldn't give for his eyes to light up again like they used to.
For a brief moment, I thought that there might be a bit of truth behind the accusations brought forth by Niles' ex-wife. The Snow Ball was a wonderful night. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love being in his arms as he whisked me round and round the dance floor. I secretly was jealous of the woman who would be lucky enough to tango with him until death parts them. For years I kept my desire to have one more dance with him to myself. Sometimes I would even close my eyes and pretend I was back in his arms twirling together as if we were put on this planet for that very purpose.
And then there's all of this wedding business. I'm not getting anywhere with these plans. Donny has been absolutely no help whatsoever. I'm planning what is supposed to be the happiest moment of my life, by myself. It's so frustrating. Dr. and Mr. Crane are no help, they won't admit it but they don't want me to leave. I can't say that I blame them. I haven't really admitted to myself that my leaving is rapidly approaching.
I have a beautiful wedding dress hanging in my closet. I haven't shown it to anyone. It's just hanging there, lifeless in the garment bag. When I saw it, I just had to have it. It's not at all what Donny would have wanted me to wear. It's my ideal dress, free of ruffles and lace. It's not frilly by any means. It's simple, it's elegant, it's me.
I remember one day while I had been showing all of my ideas to Roz. And I was so excited to show them to someone. Dr and Mr. Crane didn't really care and Niles rarely came by anymore. All of the things that I have picked out are various shades of blue.
"Daphne, what's up with all the blue," She asked.
I was a bit taken back because instinctively I had picked the color, not stopping to think of what it would represent. And truth be told, I always hated the color blue. Until about seven years ago. Suddenly it became a color I couldn't stop thinking of, and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. Then something was brought to my attention and I realized where I had seen the color before. I saw it the first time I met him and I've seen it every time he smiles at me. When I see the color I think of his eyes.
There was a time, before I even found out about all of this that I once asked his opinion. It had been one of the rare occasions that he came by the apartment. I was thrilled to see him and yet disappointed when I learned he only came by to pick up his brother. As we waited for Dr. Crane to finish primping, I asked what he thought of my ideas. Lord knows Donny hasn't been much help and I needed a man's opinion.
"If we were getting married," I had said hypothetically, "Would you want things like this?" He looked at me with this tiny sparkle in his eyes and just as he opened his mouth, his brother walked in and practically dragged him out the door. I flopped back against the cushions out of frustration but quickly sat back up as he poked his head back into the apartment.
"Daphne, if we were getting married, I would want what you want. Our wedding would be your day, whether it be simple or extravagant because the only thing that would matter to me is standing next to you becoming your husband."
It made me smile. He always knew the right thing to say to me. The best part was the fact that I knew he was telling the truth. Donny never said anything like that to me. His proposal was probably the most beautiful thing he has ever said to me. He tries. I'll give him credit for that. In the end, he thinks his words are poetry. To him they may be, but to me, well, they aren't. They're just words. In the right time, place and with the right people, poetic they might be. I just know that's not what they are now.
Some of the things that he says, he thinks they are original. I swear I've heard them some where before. It's as if he's scraping to find words that exaggerate what he is thinking. They sound just like it too. To say they sound forced is a bit harsh, but that's the best word I have been able to come up with.
I could write a novel based on the wonderful things Niles has said to me. But yet, why would he say something like that? "Becoming your husband is all that matters." He said it with such conviction; it was as if he had always wanted me to ask him that question. Knowing him the way I do, I knew that he was holding something back. I just couldn't put my finger on it. Now I know. He loves me. He loves me like a man is supposed to love a woman, with ever fiber in his being.
It was just another ordinary day, or so I thought. I had been sitting at the table for quite some time, simply staring into my cup of tea completely oblivious to my surroundings. I find myself doing that a lot lately. I've never done that before, I mean why would a happily engaged woman be so quiet and so.so confused? Maybe it's because I now know something that I didn't for so many years. Or maybe I did and only recently did I accept my suspicions as reality, as the truth.
Niles Crane. He's the reason I don't know which direction I'm pointed in. He's the reason I have started to question every decision I have made over the years. He's the reason I haven't had a decent night sleep in the last six months. He is the reason for.for.for everything.
Rarely have I ever been so confused. I honestly did not know that such confusion could exist. The fact that I rarely see Niles anymore and the mere thought of him sends me into a deep and lonely confusion. It's almost as if I'm suffering from the plague because for the last few months, it only seems to be getting worse, never has there ever been a momentary remission from it. I long to see him but then get nervous and clammy when I do.
Donny is here, yammering into the phone to one of his clients, as usual. We were supposed to be going over wedding arrangements. His work always comes first. I can't begin to count the number of appointments we've had to reschedule because a client needs him. At this rate, our wedding won't be for another two or three years. He'll probably have to pencil it in his date book.
He's a divorce attorney, sometimes I wonder if he's even going to give himself fully to this relationship or any relationship for that matter. And other times I wonder if our marriage would even last because he makes his living busting up other people's marriages. I constantly wonder if there's a chance one day he'll be treating me like he treats his opponents in the courtroom. He can be so cruel to them and will walk out of the courtroom very proud of himself. That scares me. I know I don't want to live my life like that.
To make things worse he's gotten on my nerves as of late. Little things about him are really starting to bug. He's so sloppy for one. Walking into his apartment is like walking into a shopping mall the day after Thanksgiving and everything is thrown about. And he doesn't care. I'm not the neatest person in the world myself, but I certainly wouldn't consider myself to be a slob. Just because I don't like a one hundred percent sterile environment does not make me a maniac. Tidy is the word I think best suits me.
He drags me to all of these off the wall places, a monster car rally for instance. He had planned to go with Mr. Crane, the self-proclaimed father of the bride. At the last minute Mr. Crane came down with a rather nasty stomach virus and I had no choice go with him. I heard that Niles attended a play by himself that night. I would much rather have gone with him.
And then there are the dinners with co-workers or clients. I'm miserable most of the time. I have no idea what any of this legal mumbo jumbo means and Donny doesn't even take the time to explain it to me. "I'll tell ya later, honey," he says repeatedly and then never does. I've learned a great deal about the world of psychiatry thanks to Dr. Crane and Niles. They always spell things out for me. I never have to ask.
Donny doesn't always listen to me and I question how much he really knows about me after all this time. The little things about me such as my favorite book or my favorite movie, he doesn't know. Niles on the other hand, on more the one occasion knows something that I mentioned in passing years ago. If he brought it up, I'm thrilled that he remembered or even listened to me. "I care about you, Daphne. You're my best friend. Don't you think if we're best friends, we should know things like that?" He once told me. I knew from that moment that I could share anything and everything with Niles.
The worst thing of all, when I'm with Donny, I end up imagining what it would be like if I was sharing the moment with Niles. Things would be so different; they were wonderful when we just did things as friends. We are always ourselves. I've never put on a show for him and the Niles I know is so different from the Niles the rest of the world sees. Things are, well they're just wonderful. If our relationship was different, romantic perhaps, I think they would be even better.
In a way, I started all of this mess. I said yes to a man because I thought he was my last chance at marriage and a family. He promised me the stars and yet I knew he could never give them to me. For the first time, I went against my visions. They have never steered me wrong before. A vision brought me to Seattle. A vision told me my life would be completed here. A vision told me I would find a man who would make my dreams come true.
Donny wasn't in my visions. He just happened to cross my path. I would never have even met him if it weren't for Niles' need for an attorney. At first I enjoyed his company. Yes his height bugged me a bit. I've had to bend down to kiss men before, but never this much. There was always a little voice in my head that kept telling me this was wrong. That being in a relationship with him was wrong. That giving up on my dream of finding my soul mate, my equal was wrong.
I should have followed my instinct. I should have listened to my heart instead of my head. My heart kept telling me not to give up. Someone else more than deserves to hold the key to it and he's the man I should pledge my life to. I don't know if I have ever completely given Donny my heart. I gave him my hand. That's just an appendage, if I lose it I'll continue to live but if I lose my heart.I lose everything.
One's heart should beat for only one person, I'm not sure if mine beats for Donny. Not in the way it should at least. It sort of beats with an unexplainable irregularity. The murmur has only gotten worse since Christmas. At first I tried to ignore it, but as time wore on, I began to hear it ringing in my ears. It's annoying much like the ticking of a clock. There are times when it ticks really loud and there are times when you can barely hear it.
Lying in bed at night is the worst. On the nights that I share a bed with Donny, it tends to beat the loudest. I look over at him and wish I were alone. The beating of my heart keeps me awake at night. Believe me, an irregular heartbeat is not something you want to hear. It's sort of an annoying reminder that there's something wrong with you. No doctor would be able to diagnose me though. There's nothing medically wrong with me. I'm lovesick, heartsick and soul sick if it's possible to be all of those at the same time. I take that back, there is one doctor who could diagnose me. I know he probably has the perfect prescription to cure me too.
And on more than one occasion, I couldn't believe I was exploring a new relationship just as Niles was released from a hellish one. And with his divorce attorney to boot. That had to have been horrible for him. I remember the first time Niles saw the two of us together. I could tell he was crushed. I saw it in his eyes. And I know that he desperately tried to cover it up. What I wouldn't give for his eyes to light up again like they used to.
For a brief moment, I thought that there might be a bit of truth behind the accusations brought forth by Niles' ex-wife. The Snow Ball was a wonderful night. I'd be lying if I said I didn't love being in his arms as he whisked me round and round the dance floor. I secretly was jealous of the woman who would be lucky enough to tango with him until death parts them. For years I kept my desire to have one more dance with him to myself. Sometimes I would even close my eyes and pretend I was back in his arms twirling together as if we were put on this planet for that very purpose.
And then there's all of this wedding business. I'm not getting anywhere with these plans. Donny has been absolutely no help whatsoever. I'm planning what is supposed to be the happiest moment of my life, by myself. It's so frustrating. Dr. and Mr. Crane are no help, they won't admit it but they don't want me to leave. I can't say that I blame them. I haven't really admitted to myself that my leaving is rapidly approaching.
I have a beautiful wedding dress hanging in my closet. I haven't shown it to anyone. It's just hanging there, lifeless in the garment bag. When I saw it, I just had to have it. It's not at all what Donny would have wanted me to wear. It's my ideal dress, free of ruffles and lace. It's not frilly by any means. It's simple, it's elegant, it's me.
I remember one day while I had been showing all of my ideas to Roz. And I was so excited to show them to someone. Dr and Mr. Crane didn't really care and Niles rarely came by anymore. All of the things that I have picked out are various shades of blue.
"Daphne, what's up with all the blue," She asked.
I was a bit taken back because instinctively I had picked the color, not stopping to think of what it would represent. And truth be told, I always hated the color blue. Until about seven years ago. Suddenly it became a color I couldn't stop thinking of, and for the life of me, I couldn't figure out why. Then something was brought to my attention and I realized where I had seen the color before. I saw it the first time I met him and I've seen it every time he smiles at me. When I see the color I think of his eyes.
There was a time, before I even found out about all of this that I once asked his opinion. It had been one of the rare occasions that he came by the apartment. I was thrilled to see him and yet disappointed when I learned he only came by to pick up his brother. As we waited for Dr. Crane to finish primping, I asked what he thought of my ideas. Lord knows Donny hasn't been much help and I needed a man's opinion.
"If we were getting married," I had said hypothetically, "Would you want things like this?" He looked at me with this tiny sparkle in his eyes and just as he opened his mouth, his brother walked in and practically dragged him out the door. I flopped back against the cushions out of frustration but quickly sat back up as he poked his head back into the apartment.
"Daphne, if we were getting married, I would want what you want. Our wedding would be your day, whether it be simple or extravagant because the only thing that would matter to me is standing next to you becoming your husband."
It made me smile. He always knew the right thing to say to me. The best part was the fact that I knew he was telling the truth. Donny never said anything like that to me. His proposal was probably the most beautiful thing he has ever said to me. He tries. I'll give him credit for that. In the end, he thinks his words are poetry. To him they may be, but to me, well, they aren't. They're just words. In the right time, place and with the right people, poetic they might be. I just know that's not what they are now.
Some of the things that he says, he thinks they are original. I swear I've heard them some where before. It's as if he's scraping to find words that exaggerate what he is thinking. They sound just like it too. To say they sound forced is a bit harsh, but that's the best word I have been able to come up with.
I could write a novel based on the wonderful things Niles has said to me. But yet, why would he say something like that? "Becoming your husband is all that matters." He said it with such conviction; it was as if he had always wanted me to ask him that question. Knowing him the way I do, I knew that he was holding something back. I just couldn't put my finger on it. Now I know. He loves me. He loves me like a man is supposed to love a woman, with ever fiber in his being.