Part 4---Visions of Truth
The elevator seemed to be taking its sweet time reaching the lobby. Why is it that when I needed to make a quick getaway, my only means of reaching the outside world is moving like a sloth? I would have taken the stairs if they weren't closed for the afternoon for maintenance purposes.
I just want this elevator ride to be over. I want to be away from all that I left behind upstairs. The doors finally did open and I found myself thanking god the lobby was empty. I could handle strangers being in here, but I really don't want to run into with the name Crane or even Doyle. I practically sprinted through the lobby nearly knocking that dear old woman on 17 flat on her face. When I reached the sidewalk just outside our building, I looked both ways. I have no idea where to go, only that I need to.
I just need to find someplace where I can sit and think. I'm dying to read that letter again. It was all that I could to hold back the tears when I read it the first time. And with Donny there, lurking over my shoulder, made it even harder. Everything I had ever wanted to hear from a man had just been expressed and it wasn't the man I said I would marry saying them. It was the man that always supported me when I needed it, even if he didn't agree with my decision; it was the man that I could always turn to, my best friend.
From the beginning, the letter had said. From the moment we met. It only took a moment for him to know that he would love me forever. Why hadn't I seen it? It was there in front of me. Everyday, only an arm's reach away. And there were times it was less than an arm reach. Whenever I hugged him, all I had to do was turn my face a certain way and our lips would have touched. I think now, I'm wishing they had.
Oh I just don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Why is this happening now? I had given up on the search for eternal love when I met Donny. I didn't think I would ever find it, but now I know I never had to look far at all. It may seem like it only because I never looked past the surface but it was always in reach. Why is it that I was so oblivious to the most obvious person?
I finally found a bench near Elliot Bay and began to read the letter again. It is so passionate it wouldn't take much for it to set itself on fire. I've always thought that is what love was supposed to be like. So passionate it makes your whole body tingle. This letter, my hands are shaking as I read it, does that to me.
I could almost hear Niles saying these things to me while I was in the apartment, the background noise, namely Donny, almost drowned them out. But now, now that I'm by myself I can hear these words come alive with the sound of his voice. I could hear him choke up as he expressed his love for me. I wish he were here now.
I find myself choking up as I read these beautiful words. He loves me. He loves me for who I am and for what I give to his life. He said that I give his life meaning, I'm the answer to all the questions he's ever asked himself, and I bring out the best in him.
It's funny how it just suddenly dawned on me that Niles Crane brings out the best in me. I feel so alive when I'm with him. I don't feel the need to be anything but myself when I'm with him. He brings out unbelievable amounts of honesty in me. I don't have to hide anything because I have always felt that he has liked me for me. He values my opinion and asks me for almost as much as I ask him for his. It's so easy to tell Donny what he wants to hear even if I'm screaming the opposite on the inside.
Niles is always such a gentleman. Helping me off with my coat, opening doors, attempting to do things we both know he can't just so I won't have to. He always has one eye on me, making sure I'm okay. He comforts me when I need him to and even when I don't need him to. It's as if he knows. He just knows, likes it's a seventh sense for him. Any woman would be lucky to have him. He doesn't want just any woman though. He wants me.
Of all of the women in the world, Niles Crane chose me. He fell in love with me. He is in love with me. He wants to share his life with me and only me. He's the happiest when he's with me. I overheard Mr. Crane say that to someone a long time ago. He also said "All Niles' needs is Daphne. That's all." I didn't know then that he was in love with me so at the time, I really didn't make anything of it. I was just glad that I could help make his day a little brighter after all he had been going through.
In a way, I'm glad I didn't know how he felt about me back then. I probably would have only hurt him worse because I don't know if I would have been willing to accept his love or even.want it. Thinking back, I don't think I would have let him love me. Flattered, but not willing. He isn't the type of guy I would normally go for. Telling him that all those years ago would have destroyed him. Now it's a different story and I don't want to hurt him anymore. Although I don't know how I could possibly hurt him any more than I did the day I asked him for advice and then accepted Donny's proposal.
God, I did that right in front of him. He sat there, loving me so much, wanting to be with me more than anything in the world, and watched me say yes to a little man whose pleasure in life is making other people suffer so that his client comes out on top. What he did for Niles though is something I will be forever grateful for. He helped give Niles part of his life back and not a week later, I took it away.
I went to Niles for advice. "What should I do?" I asked him. Finding the courage to say the things he did must have left him weak and exhausted. It took everything that he is to let me go. I looked deep into his eyes just before I left his office. He looked lost. He looked as though someone had taken the one thing he needed to stay alive away from him.
When I approached him the kitchen shortly after accepting Donny's proposal, I looked into his eyes again. I didn't see the Niles I had come to adore. I saw emptiness, darkness and tears threatening to fall. He fought them, put on a brave face. I played it off as shock. When I left his office, I had no idea whether or not I was going to accept the proposal. Niles had given me something to think about. I never expected him to react like that. I thought he would be happy for me. But how can someone be happy for someone else when that someone wants more than anything in the world to be the person to make that someone else happy?
Niles fought so hard so that he could be free to love me. He didn't want anything to get in the way of that. He wanted to get past the obstacle and used his love for me as the force to get him through it all. For him, everything he was going through would be worth it just for the chance to hold me in his arms. He put up with all of the threats, ignored all of the rumors, and temporarily gave up everything he has for one chance to love me.
He was given his life back. He was free to start over. He had a second chance to live the life he always wanted to live. It wasn't until I came into his life that he realized he had made some serious mistakes. It wasn't until I learned of his love that I realized I had also made some serious mistakes. For the longest time I didn't know how to fix them. I beginning to think I can now.
I can't help but think that all of the times I sought his guidance might have been a subconscious way of gauging his reaction. Maybe if I had done something totally out of character, his true feelings for me would emerge. Had I been open to a relationship with from the beginning, I think I could have saved us both a lot of time and a lot of heartache.
My surroundings are pulling me away from my thoughts. I think maybe the park along the bay was not the best place to seek isolation. I'm surrounded by families flying kites, walking dogs and a young couple just passed me with a young baby in a stroller. It made me smile. I long to have a family of my own to do that with. My only problem is I've never been able to picture the father of my children.
This letter that I'm clenching in my hands was written by a man who wants to be the father of my children. He knows how much I want to be a mother; I've told him a thousand times. I've actually had several long talks about the subject with him. To this day I think I'm the only person who knows that he wants children too. "I just need to find." You know, he never finished that sentence. I can answer it for him now. The answer is me.
The tears are welling up in my eyes and when I closed them to blink the tears away, things just started to flash before me. Visions. Visions of the way things are supposed to be. And rather than shake them from my mind, I want to see where they go, what they are about.
I find myself on a beach. I'm standing alone and yet there are children all around me. Four of them, three girls and a boy. They're throwing what looks like a Frisbee with two large dogs at their heels. Suddenly a man appears and the children knock him to the ground. Their laughter fills my heart. This is my family. My children, my husband, and the staple of every family, a couple of mangy mutts. The man suddenly breaks free of the pile up and I see him turn towards me. He's tall, which immediately tells me that Donny is not a part of my future. The glare of the sun off of the water is very bright making the details of his face hard to make out. But I knew who it was. My heart is telling me. It's him.
Suddenly I find myself in his arms and he's kissing me. It's wonderful, I can almost feel his lips on mine. He kissed me once before. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder what it would be like if it had been a bit deeper and a bit more passionate. I would love to feel his lips on mine again. The next thing I know, our surroundings were swirling around us and yet we're still kissing. When we break apart, I find the same man only he's aged just a bit. He turns and the children that were once tossing a Frisbee with the dogs were now grown. My husband is now chasing a younger generation of children, our grandchildren.
My heart is racing and I'm struggling to keep up with it. It just hit me. All of the visions I've had in the past, when I couldn't see his face. It's always been Niles. The whole dragon thing is unexplainable right now. But I know it's him. The red bowtie. Well that can represent so many things. My dress at the Snow Ball was red. But it's him.
The best thing is, it doesn't sound strange to say that Niles Crane is the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. It sounds right. It sounds perfect. It sounds like I should have realized that a long time ago.
How could I spend the rest of my life without him? He is the best friend anyone could ask for. I need him in my life, but after all of this, I don't think we can be just friends anymore. I know we can't just be friends anymore. But we've always had something more than friendship.
I don't want him just as a friend. Not anymore. I want him.as.as my husband. It's the only way for us. It's everything or nothing. I would much rather it be everything than nothing. I couldn't handle nothing. He can't handle nothing. I see that now. I've been watching him try to cope with nothing and it's tearing him up on the inside. It's starting to get to me too.
Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes again. Another vision is appearing. I can hear music playing, a piano. I'm walking through this beautiful house trying to find the source of the music. Wandering through the house, there are accents of myself in each room. I finally reach the room from which the music is playing and I stop. I recognize the song immediately, a little ditty that Niles and I sang together one night.
Walking into the room, I can't immediately see the person playing as it's a grand piano with the hood propped up. I walked up to the side of the piano and find a little girl about eight or so expertly tapping the ivory keys. She looks up at me and says "Hi Mom. Daddy gave me this new sheet music. Do you like it?" Her eyes are the first things that I see when I look at her face. They're blue, blue like the sea, blue like her daddy's.
And that's all I needed to see. My daughter's blue eyes. They're worth giving up everything I have at this moment with Donny and embracing what I can have with Niles. That is if he'll have me. I've got a feeling that it's going to take some time to make things right but I'm going to try. Niles is worth it. Experiencing our love is worth it.
I'm going to sit here and pull myself together for a few minutes before I set off on my mission. No, no I'm not. I'm going to get up from this bench and run. I'm going to run right into the arms of the man I love. I love this man like a woman should love a man. I love him with all of my heart. I, Daphne Moon, love Niles Crane.
The elevator seemed to be taking its sweet time reaching the lobby. Why is it that when I needed to make a quick getaway, my only means of reaching the outside world is moving like a sloth? I would have taken the stairs if they weren't closed for the afternoon for maintenance purposes.
I just want this elevator ride to be over. I want to be away from all that I left behind upstairs. The doors finally did open and I found myself thanking god the lobby was empty. I could handle strangers being in here, but I really don't want to run into with the name Crane or even Doyle. I practically sprinted through the lobby nearly knocking that dear old woman on 17 flat on her face. When I reached the sidewalk just outside our building, I looked both ways. I have no idea where to go, only that I need to.
I just need to find someplace where I can sit and think. I'm dying to read that letter again. It was all that I could to hold back the tears when I read it the first time. And with Donny there, lurking over my shoulder, made it even harder. Everything I had ever wanted to hear from a man had just been expressed and it wasn't the man I said I would marry saying them. It was the man that always supported me when I needed it, even if he didn't agree with my decision; it was the man that I could always turn to, my best friend.
From the beginning, the letter had said. From the moment we met. It only took a moment for him to know that he would love me forever. Why hadn't I seen it? It was there in front of me. Everyday, only an arm's reach away. And there were times it was less than an arm reach. Whenever I hugged him, all I had to do was turn my face a certain way and our lips would have touched. I think now, I'm wishing they had.
Oh I just don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Why is this happening now? I had given up on the search for eternal love when I met Donny. I didn't think I would ever find it, but now I know I never had to look far at all. It may seem like it only because I never looked past the surface but it was always in reach. Why is it that I was so oblivious to the most obvious person?
I finally found a bench near Elliot Bay and began to read the letter again. It is so passionate it wouldn't take much for it to set itself on fire. I've always thought that is what love was supposed to be like. So passionate it makes your whole body tingle. This letter, my hands are shaking as I read it, does that to me.
I could almost hear Niles saying these things to me while I was in the apartment, the background noise, namely Donny, almost drowned them out. But now, now that I'm by myself I can hear these words come alive with the sound of his voice. I could hear him choke up as he expressed his love for me. I wish he were here now.
I find myself choking up as I read these beautiful words. He loves me. He loves me for who I am and for what I give to his life. He said that I give his life meaning, I'm the answer to all the questions he's ever asked himself, and I bring out the best in him.
It's funny how it just suddenly dawned on me that Niles Crane brings out the best in me. I feel so alive when I'm with him. I don't feel the need to be anything but myself when I'm with him. He brings out unbelievable amounts of honesty in me. I don't have to hide anything because I have always felt that he has liked me for me. He values my opinion and asks me for almost as much as I ask him for his. It's so easy to tell Donny what he wants to hear even if I'm screaming the opposite on the inside.
Niles is always such a gentleman. Helping me off with my coat, opening doors, attempting to do things we both know he can't just so I won't have to. He always has one eye on me, making sure I'm okay. He comforts me when I need him to and even when I don't need him to. It's as if he knows. He just knows, likes it's a seventh sense for him. Any woman would be lucky to have him. He doesn't want just any woman though. He wants me.
Of all of the women in the world, Niles Crane chose me. He fell in love with me. He is in love with me. He wants to share his life with me and only me. He's the happiest when he's with me. I overheard Mr. Crane say that to someone a long time ago. He also said "All Niles' needs is Daphne. That's all." I didn't know then that he was in love with me so at the time, I really didn't make anything of it. I was just glad that I could help make his day a little brighter after all he had been going through.
In a way, I'm glad I didn't know how he felt about me back then. I probably would have only hurt him worse because I don't know if I would have been willing to accept his love or even.want it. Thinking back, I don't think I would have let him love me. Flattered, but not willing. He isn't the type of guy I would normally go for. Telling him that all those years ago would have destroyed him. Now it's a different story and I don't want to hurt him anymore. Although I don't know how I could possibly hurt him any more than I did the day I asked him for advice and then accepted Donny's proposal.
God, I did that right in front of him. He sat there, loving me so much, wanting to be with me more than anything in the world, and watched me say yes to a little man whose pleasure in life is making other people suffer so that his client comes out on top. What he did for Niles though is something I will be forever grateful for. He helped give Niles part of his life back and not a week later, I took it away.
I went to Niles for advice. "What should I do?" I asked him. Finding the courage to say the things he did must have left him weak and exhausted. It took everything that he is to let me go. I looked deep into his eyes just before I left his office. He looked lost. He looked as though someone had taken the one thing he needed to stay alive away from him.
When I approached him the kitchen shortly after accepting Donny's proposal, I looked into his eyes again. I didn't see the Niles I had come to adore. I saw emptiness, darkness and tears threatening to fall. He fought them, put on a brave face. I played it off as shock. When I left his office, I had no idea whether or not I was going to accept the proposal. Niles had given me something to think about. I never expected him to react like that. I thought he would be happy for me. But how can someone be happy for someone else when that someone wants more than anything in the world to be the person to make that someone else happy?
Niles fought so hard so that he could be free to love me. He didn't want anything to get in the way of that. He wanted to get past the obstacle and used his love for me as the force to get him through it all. For him, everything he was going through would be worth it just for the chance to hold me in his arms. He put up with all of the threats, ignored all of the rumors, and temporarily gave up everything he has for one chance to love me.
He was given his life back. He was free to start over. He had a second chance to live the life he always wanted to live. It wasn't until I came into his life that he realized he had made some serious mistakes. It wasn't until I learned of his love that I realized I had also made some serious mistakes. For the longest time I didn't know how to fix them. I beginning to think I can now.
I can't help but think that all of the times I sought his guidance might have been a subconscious way of gauging his reaction. Maybe if I had done something totally out of character, his true feelings for me would emerge. Had I been open to a relationship with from the beginning, I think I could have saved us both a lot of time and a lot of heartache.
My surroundings are pulling me away from my thoughts. I think maybe the park along the bay was not the best place to seek isolation. I'm surrounded by families flying kites, walking dogs and a young couple just passed me with a young baby in a stroller. It made me smile. I long to have a family of my own to do that with. My only problem is I've never been able to picture the father of my children.
This letter that I'm clenching in my hands was written by a man who wants to be the father of my children. He knows how much I want to be a mother; I've told him a thousand times. I've actually had several long talks about the subject with him. To this day I think I'm the only person who knows that he wants children too. "I just need to find." You know, he never finished that sentence. I can answer it for him now. The answer is me.
The tears are welling up in my eyes and when I closed them to blink the tears away, things just started to flash before me. Visions. Visions of the way things are supposed to be. And rather than shake them from my mind, I want to see where they go, what they are about.
I find myself on a beach. I'm standing alone and yet there are children all around me. Four of them, three girls and a boy. They're throwing what looks like a Frisbee with two large dogs at their heels. Suddenly a man appears and the children knock him to the ground. Their laughter fills my heart. This is my family. My children, my husband, and the staple of every family, a couple of mangy mutts. The man suddenly breaks free of the pile up and I see him turn towards me. He's tall, which immediately tells me that Donny is not a part of my future. The glare of the sun off of the water is very bright making the details of his face hard to make out. But I knew who it was. My heart is telling me. It's him.
Suddenly I find myself in his arms and he's kissing me. It's wonderful, I can almost feel his lips on mine. He kissed me once before. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wonder what it would be like if it had been a bit deeper and a bit more passionate. I would love to feel his lips on mine again. The next thing I know, our surroundings were swirling around us and yet we're still kissing. When we break apart, I find the same man only he's aged just a bit. He turns and the children that were once tossing a Frisbee with the dogs were now grown. My husband is now chasing a younger generation of children, our grandchildren.
My heart is racing and I'm struggling to keep up with it. It just hit me. All of the visions I've had in the past, when I couldn't see his face. It's always been Niles. The whole dragon thing is unexplainable right now. But I know it's him. The red bowtie. Well that can represent so many things. My dress at the Snow Ball was red. But it's him.
The best thing is, it doesn't sound strange to say that Niles Crane is the man I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. It sounds right. It sounds perfect. It sounds like I should have realized that a long time ago.
How could I spend the rest of my life without him? He is the best friend anyone could ask for. I need him in my life, but after all of this, I don't think we can be just friends anymore. I know we can't just be friends anymore. But we've always had something more than friendship.
I don't want him just as a friend. Not anymore. I want him.as.as my husband. It's the only way for us. It's everything or nothing. I would much rather it be everything than nothing. I couldn't handle nothing. He can't handle nothing. I see that now. I've been watching him try to cope with nothing and it's tearing him up on the inside. It's starting to get to me too.
Taking a deep breath, I close my eyes again. Another vision is appearing. I can hear music playing, a piano. I'm walking through this beautiful house trying to find the source of the music. Wandering through the house, there are accents of myself in each room. I finally reach the room from which the music is playing and I stop. I recognize the song immediately, a little ditty that Niles and I sang together one night.
Walking into the room, I can't immediately see the person playing as it's a grand piano with the hood propped up. I walked up to the side of the piano and find a little girl about eight or so expertly tapping the ivory keys. She looks up at me and says "Hi Mom. Daddy gave me this new sheet music. Do you like it?" Her eyes are the first things that I see when I look at her face. They're blue, blue like the sea, blue like her daddy's.
And that's all I needed to see. My daughter's blue eyes. They're worth giving up everything I have at this moment with Donny and embracing what I can have with Niles. That is if he'll have me. I've got a feeling that it's going to take some time to make things right but I'm going to try. Niles is worth it. Experiencing our love is worth it.
I'm going to sit here and pull myself together for a few minutes before I set off on my mission. No, no I'm not. I'm going to get up from this bench and run. I'm going to run right into the arms of the man I love. I love this man like a woman should love a man. I love him with all of my heart. I, Daphne Moon, love Niles Crane.