Part 6---Saying Goodbye
I said a tearful good-bye to Niles, kissing him a bit longer than I should have and headed to Nervosa to meet with Donny. I thought it would be best to meet with him on some sort of neutral territory. Donny suggested I come to his apartment and I immediately said no. I wasn't comfortable going over there and confronting him on his turf. Nervosa seemed to be the best place.
I arrived early so I could make an attempt to collect my thoughts before Donny made his appearance. Niles asked me what I was going to say to him and I told him truthfully that I didn't know. This would be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life but I knew that being without Niles would be even harder. The strength that he gives me, I now know, will get me through any challenge I ever have to face.
I was lost in my cup of coffee when he finally walked in. He startled me, as I did not know he had walked in the door. That's another difference. I know immediately when Niles enters a room. His presence is so vivid. Donny just sort of sneaks up on you and you don't know he's there until he's right in front of you, much like a piranha. I'm not his prey however. I will get away before he has a chance to swallow me whole.
"Hello Daphne," Donny said quietly. I could see the hurt on his face. Hurt and confusion. Things happened so quickly, as if a hurricane blew right through the Elliot Bay Towers. Donny has no idea what's going on. This is probably going to be the last time we'll ever see each other.
"Donny," I said standing up. I looked into his eyes, all I've ever really seen is darkness. I've never seen the beauty that I see in Niles eyes. I've never seen the sea. Looking into Donny's eyes is like staring into a cup of coffee. They don't do much for me. God, I'm so horrible for thinking that.
"You don't have to get up," he said.
"Would you like to join me," I said smoothing my skirt as I sat back down. I had to fight the urge to smile because I let Niles help me pick out my outfit. He was sitting on my bed watching me sort through my closet and we were having the silliest conversation. Something about his brother I believe.
It was so wonderful to be sharing that moment with him. He asked me if I had ever experienced such a wonderful and comfortable morning after making love for the first time. I looked at him and shook my head. That moment just reassured me that what I'm about to do and say is all worth it, no matter how much it might hurt.
"Part of me does and the other doesn't," he said after a few moments. His momentary silence allowed me to think about Niles and find the strength to do this.
"Donny, I.I'm really sorry about all of this," I said as he slowly sat down across from me, "I never meant for any of this to happen."
"You know, I'm not really sure what is happening," he said.
"Donny, I can't marry you," I said.
"That's pretty much what I thought," he said producing the diamond ring he had given me, "after you through this on the floor."
"I am so sorry," I said. In my moment of passion driven insanity, I tossed it behind me with a hollow clink as it hit the floor.
"Niles wasn't the only shocked person in the room," he said with a chuckle.
"I owe you a big explanation," I said taking a deep breath. I didn't even give him a chance to stop me, "From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed of falling in love with a man who would do anything to make me happy. I didn't know it at the time, but I met him not long after I took the job with Mr. Crane."
"Niles," Donny said quietly.
"Yes," I said, "all he ever wanted was for me to be happy even if it meant losing me. He loves me so much that he let me go because he thought it would make me happy."
"Did I not make you happy," he asked.
"Yes, you did. You were wonderful to me," I said, "that's why I feel just awful about all of this because I don't think I have been nearly as wonderful to you. I tried to be, but I just wanted something more. It took me nearly seven years to realize that I had it all along. I'm sorry to have dragged you into this and I'm ashamed to have led you on for so long."
"Can I ask how long you've had these feelings toward Niles," he asked.
"I don't know," I said, "I honestly don't. I just know that at some point, if I were to let this continue, I would be absolutely miserable. I can't do that to you Donny. I can't go on with this relationship when I'm constantly thinking of someone else. It's not fair to you. You deserve someone better than me, someone whose life long dream is of becoming your wife."
"Is becoming Niles' wife your life long dream," he asked.
"Yes," I whispered, "let me ask you something. I want the truth, can you picture us several years down the road?"
"Sometimes," he said.
"What do you see," I asked.
"It's not much," he said, "lounging around at home, just enjoying being together, a nice apartment in the city, you know, those sort of things."
"Do you ever see children," I asked, this was going to be the final question. No matter what his answer is, I'm going to tell him what I see. That is if he doesn't ask me first.
"No," he said looking down.
"When I think of my future, there are children," I said, "four of them. Three girls and a boy. Only recently did I see their father. Actually I didn't see him, I saw him in my children. That's when I knew that I couldn't do this."
"What did you see," he asked.
"I saw a little girl playing the piano," I said, "when she looked up at me, she had her father's blue eyes."
"And this vision was enough to convince you that Niles is the person for you," he said glaring at me.
"It's not just about that," I said, "when you and I are together, I find myself thinking of him and what it would be like if I were sharing that moment with him. When I'm with Niles, I don't think about anything else, just that moment."
"Everything we did together, you would rather have spent the time with Niles," he said.
"Oh Donny, we've had some wonderful times together," I said, "it's just."
He looked at me with this look and I just couldn't bring myself to finish this sentence. This is already a big deal. I don't want to make it any bigger by bringing Niles into this any more than he already is. I don't think he would, but I don't want to take the chance that Donny would do something to Niles.
The silence between us is deafening. I don't know what to say anymore. "I'm sorry" just doesn't seem like it's enough. It's not going to heal as many wounds as one hopes it would.
"So the reason behind our initial meeting was true," he said bringing up certain accusations that I had too quickly dismissed. It's not that I didn't believe them, it's the fact that the realization terrified me, "I should have known. When we had dinner to discuss the accusations, you stumbled on your feelings for him. You were quick to dismiss his feelings for you, almost too quick."
"I was in shock," I said. "Donny, I need Niles in my life. I need him so much it physically hurts. The closer it got to the wedding, the more I started to fall apart. That's why I've been a bit short with you. I began to panic. And then that letter arrived yesterday. I knew that I couldn't fight my feelings anymore. You deserve better than that, and Niles deserved to know that I love him."
"Well," he said taking a deep breath and standing up. That's it? He's leaving? I didn't expect him to just get up and walk out. "It was great while it lasted."
"Donny, I am so sorry," I said rising. I wanted to give him a hug but the second I moved towards him, he pushed me away.
"Please don't," he said, "I want you to be happy. I thought I could make you happy. I guess I just didn't know how to."
"This is not your fault," I said, "I need you to know that. You are wonderful and somewhere out there is a woman wants you to make her happy, who wants your love. You have so much to give. I'm just not the woman for you."
"Yes you are," he said.
"No I'm not," I said, "you're going to find a woman who can't think of anyone but you when you are together. She's going to love just being with you and sharing her life with you. This is your second chance to find her. And I know you will."
"I hope you're right," he said looking at the door, "take care."
"You too," I said watching him walk out of the café. I slumped back into my chair and watched the door.
I said a tearful good-bye to Niles, kissing him a bit longer than I should have and headed to Nervosa to meet with Donny. I thought it would be best to meet with him on some sort of neutral territory. Donny suggested I come to his apartment and I immediately said no. I wasn't comfortable going over there and confronting him on his turf. Nervosa seemed to be the best place.
I arrived early so I could make an attempt to collect my thoughts before Donny made his appearance. Niles asked me what I was going to say to him and I told him truthfully that I didn't know. This would be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life but I knew that being without Niles would be even harder. The strength that he gives me, I now know, will get me through any challenge I ever have to face.
I was lost in my cup of coffee when he finally walked in. He startled me, as I did not know he had walked in the door. That's another difference. I know immediately when Niles enters a room. His presence is so vivid. Donny just sort of sneaks up on you and you don't know he's there until he's right in front of you, much like a piranha. I'm not his prey however. I will get away before he has a chance to swallow me whole.
"Hello Daphne," Donny said quietly. I could see the hurt on his face. Hurt and confusion. Things happened so quickly, as if a hurricane blew right through the Elliot Bay Towers. Donny has no idea what's going on. This is probably going to be the last time we'll ever see each other.
"Donny," I said standing up. I looked into his eyes, all I've ever really seen is darkness. I've never seen the beauty that I see in Niles eyes. I've never seen the sea. Looking into Donny's eyes is like staring into a cup of coffee. They don't do much for me. God, I'm so horrible for thinking that.
"You don't have to get up," he said.
"Would you like to join me," I said smoothing my skirt as I sat back down. I had to fight the urge to smile because I let Niles help me pick out my outfit. He was sitting on my bed watching me sort through my closet and we were having the silliest conversation. Something about his brother I believe.
It was so wonderful to be sharing that moment with him. He asked me if I had ever experienced such a wonderful and comfortable morning after making love for the first time. I looked at him and shook my head. That moment just reassured me that what I'm about to do and say is all worth it, no matter how much it might hurt.
"Part of me does and the other doesn't," he said after a few moments. His momentary silence allowed me to think about Niles and find the strength to do this.
"Donny, I.I'm really sorry about all of this," I said as he slowly sat down across from me, "I never meant for any of this to happen."
"You know, I'm not really sure what is happening," he said.
"Donny, I can't marry you," I said.
"That's pretty much what I thought," he said producing the diamond ring he had given me, "after you through this on the floor."
"I am so sorry," I said. In my moment of passion driven insanity, I tossed it behind me with a hollow clink as it hit the floor.
"Niles wasn't the only shocked person in the room," he said with a chuckle.
"I owe you a big explanation," I said taking a deep breath. I didn't even give him a chance to stop me, "From the time I was a little girl, I dreamed of falling in love with a man who would do anything to make me happy. I didn't know it at the time, but I met him not long after I took the job with Mr. Crane."
"Niles," Donny said quietly.
"Yes," I said, "all he ever wanted was for me to be happy even if it meant losing me. He loves me so much that he let me go because he thought it would make me happy."
"Did I not make you happy," he asked.
"Yes, you did. You were wonderful to me," I said, "that's why I feel just awful about all of this because I don't think I have been nearly as wonderful to you. I tried to be, but I just wanted something more. It took me nearly seven years to realize that I had it all along. I'm sorry to have dragged you into this and I'm ashamed to have led you on for so long."
"Can I ask how long you've had these feelings toward Niles," he asked.
"I don't know," I said, "I honestly don't. I just know that at some point, if I were to let this continue, I would be absolutely miserable. I can't do that to you Donny. I can't go on with this relationship when I'm constantly thinking of someone else. It's not fair to you. You deserve someone better than me, someone whose life long dream is of becoming your wife."
"Is becoming Niles' wife your life long dream," he asked.
"Yes," I whispered, "let me ask you something. I want the truth, can you picture us several years down the road?"
"Sometimes," he said.
"What do you see," I asked.
"It's not much," he said, "lounging around at home, just enjoying being together, a nice apartment in the city, you know, those sort of things."
"Do you ever see children," I asked, this was going to be the final question. No matter what his answer is, I'm going to tell him what I see. That is if he doesn't ask me first.
"No," he said looking down.
"When I think of my future, there are children," I said, "four of them. Three girls and a boy. Only recently did I see their father. Actually I didn't see him, I saw him in my children. That's when I knew that I couldn't do this."
"What did you see," he asked.
"I saw a little girl playing the piano," I said, "when she looked up at me, she had her father's blue eyes."
"And this vision was enough to convince you that Niles is the person for you," he said glaring at me.
"It's not just about that," I said, "when you and I are together, I find myself thinking of him and what it would be like if I were sharing that moment with him. When I'm with Niles, I don't think about anything else, just that moment."
"Everything we did together, you would rather have spent the time with Niles," he said.
"Oh Donny, we've had some wonderful times together," I said, "it's just."
He looked at me with this look and I just couldn't bring myself to finish this sentence. This is already a big deal. I don't want to make it any bigger by bringing Niles into this any more than he already is. I don't think he would, but I don't want to take the chance that Donny would do something to Niles.
The silence between us is deafening. I don't know what to say anymore. "I'm sorry" just doesn't seem like it's enough. It's not going to heal as many wounds as one hopes it would.
"So the reason behind our initial meeting was true," he said bringing up certain accusations that I had too quickly dismissed. It's not that I didn't believe them, it's the fact that the realization terrified me, "I should have known. When we had dinner to discuss the accusations, you stumbled on your feelings for him. You were quick to dismiss his feelings for you, almost too quick."
"I was in shock," I said. "Donny, I need Niles in my life. I need him so much it physically hurts. The closer it got to the wedding, the more I started to fall apart. That's why I've been a bit short with you. I began to panic. And then that letter arrived yesterday. I knew that I couldn't fight my feelings anymore. You deserve better than that, and Niles deserved to know that I love him."
"Well," he said taking a deep breath and standing up. That's it? He's leaving? I didn't expect him to just get up and walk out. "It was great while it lasted."
"Donny, I am so sorry," I said rising. I wanted to give him a hug but the second I moved towards him, he pushed me away.
"Please don't," he said, "I want you to be happy. I thought I could make you happy. I guess I just didn't know how to."
"This is not your fault," I said, "I need you to know that. You are wonderful and somewhere out there is a woman wants you to make her happy, who wants your love. You have so much to give. I'm just not the woman for you."
"Yes you are," he said.
"No I'm not," I said, "you're going to find a woman who can't think of anyone but you when you are together. She's going to love just being with you and sharing her life with you. This is your second chance to find her. And I know you will."
"I hope you're right," he said looking at the door, "take care."
"You too," I said watching him walk out of the café. I slumped back into my chair and watched the door.