Insomnia.
Version 2 (one edit run-through by me)
Fic by Imbrii, who doesn't own anything... sadly. First serious fic, first Yami fic. A few implied naughty bits, but nothing major. Go angsty mind trips... woo!
http://www.ainself.net _______________
I hate nights. Nights are when I have dreams. Dreams that come again and again, but never loose their potency. But my reactions have gotten better. I used to scream and thrash every time--now I toss and turn a bit more, maybe moan a time or two, nothing more. Recently, the dreams have gotten worse. Much worse.
Because it's not Muraki in them any more.
It's Tsuzuki. Seeing his face in place of Muraki's for that night... I can't take it. What cruel demon made his face take on an evil one? He isn't like that... but in a dream it doesn't matter. Nothing is real. Today is the first day I've shared a room with him since they started.
I can barely stand it. I keep seeing that smile, Muraki's smile, on his face. His voice saying words I don't want to hear, his hands touching me, hurting me, burning a curse into my body with a smile.
Night already, and I don't want to sleep. I can't afford to, what if Tsuzuki finds out what they are? No, I won't sleep. Not tonight. Not while he's here with me.
Tired today. Haven't sleep for 2 nights in a row... Tsuzuki knows something is wrong, but I won't tell him anything. This is for the best. I'll just catch up once the case is over and I have my own room to wake up crying in. It should pass, eventually. Tsuzuki won't be Muraki, Muraki will be Muraki and I can sleep again.
I can control those feelings again, just hate pain fear dirty... Not all of those and liking it, somehow. Not because my body reacts to it, but because its Tsuzuki. Because those purple eyes stare at me with that horrible smile I can't think straight. It will go away in time, just a few more days.
I feel asleep tonight.
I tried so hard but I slipped up at 3 because pain caffiene noise activity just couldn't keep me awake. I tried so hard, but I slept anyway. And the dream came again, So vivid this time, I didn't think it would end.
Screaming and screaming I thought my throat was on fire, I'd been screaming forever never stopping.
Darkness sudden rush purple eyes.
Screaming again, backing away.
Concern in the air... not a dream? Not a dream? Is it another cruel change?
I scream at him anyway, scared and shaking I try to run but he grabs me and holds me, not letting go.
He isn't hard he's gentle and pats my hair, telling me its ok. Compassion, worry, all from him to me.
Now I won't let go. I can't stop sobbing and mumbling and feel horrible, but he's there, reassures me. My throat still hurts but my chest isn't heaving any more, my headache is gone and he's not hurting me. This is the real Tsuzuki, not the cruel one of the dream....
I still don't know. What if it's a trick? The nightmare would be so much worse, full of false hope.
I ask who you are and you say again and again that it's you.
How do I know? I want you to prove it. Prove that you're you.
Kiss my forehead and smile, soft violet eyes look so sad. Doesn't know how. Nor do I.
How do I know? Know that you won't hurt me again? That you aren't Tsuzuki- Muraki?
My body knows better than I do. A kiss. Surprise, but is it me or him?
I don't think I care any more. Because it isn't only me kissing.
Hands still gentle, even like this... Tsuzuki, is that really you?
We've moved. The world is soft and doesn't hurt like the ground did, the tree roots in my back dirt in my hair scraping my back. Every touch is still so gentle, like feathers, but I'm still trembling. What if it comes back again, that horrible dream? Reassuring kisses, warmth all around me, I don't want it to end. Still scared, that image of you with my blood on your hands haunts me. Tsuzuki, I want to make sure this is you. That I'm out of the dream. Pleasure. In his arms I'm safe now... I think. would he hurt me? Is that his real face? I don't want to see that cruel smile ever again. Ever. Sweet smiles and promises, and you touch me again, still so soft.
It is you... right?
So gentle... why are you so kind to me? I cling to him and feel something so strange.
Like that horrible night, without the pain fear anger violation... just a gentle caress to try and make me feel better.
God, I didn't know things could be like this.
I call his name, not in fear but joy. Because now I know. Only Tsuzuki would be so gentle, would make it all better holding me tight and giving me the opposite of the dream. He's smiling, and I know it's him.
I love him. I keep saying those words over and over, crying again because I'm out of the dream and it will never come back.
Tsuzuki says them back, and I have something so very new...
I am loved, and I love back.
I've died and and found my heaven. Finally.
Version 2 (one edit run-through by me)
Fic by Imbrii, who doesn't own anything... sadly. First serious fic, first Yami fic. A few implied naughty bits, but nothing major. Go angsty mind trips... woo!
http://www.ainself.net _______________
I hate nights. Nights are when I have dreams. Dreams that come again and again, but never loose their potency. But my reactions have gotten better. I used to scream and thrash every time--now I toss and turn a bit more, maybe moan a time or two, nothing more. Recently, the dreams have gotten worse. Much worse.
Because it's not Muraki in them any more.
It's Tsuzuki. Seeing his face in place of Muraki's for that night... I can't take it. What cruel demon made his face take on an evil one? He isn't like that... but in a dream it doesn't matter. Nothing is real. Today is the first day I've shared a room with him since they started.
I can barely stand it. I keep seeing that smile, Muraki's smile, on his face. His voice saying words I don't want to hear, his hands touching me, hurting me, burning a curse into my body with a smile.
Night already, and I don't want to sleep. I can't afford to, what if Tsuzuki finds out what they are? No, I won't sleep. Not tonight. Not while he's here with me.
Tired today. Haven't sleep for 2 nights in a row... Tsuzuki knows something is wrong, but I won't tell him anything. This is for the best. I'll just catch up once the case is over and I have my own room to wake up crying in. It should pass, eventually. Tsuzuki won't be Muraki, Muraki will be Muraki and I can sleep again.
I can control those feelings again, just hate pain fear dirty... Not all of those and liking it, somehow. Not because my body reacts to it, but because its Tsuzuki. Because those purple eyes stare at me with that horrible smile I can't think straight. It will go away in time, just a few more days.
I feel asleep tonight.
I tried so hard but I slipped up at 3 because pain caffiene noise activity just couldn't keep me awake. I tried so hard, but I slept anyway. And the dream came again, So vivid this time, I didn't think it would end.
Screaming and screaming I thought my throat was on fire, I'd been screaming forever never stopping.
Darkness sudden rush purple eyes.
Screaming again, backing away.
Concern in the air... not a dream? Not a dream? Is it another cruel change?
I scream at him anyway, scared and shaking I try to run but he grabs me and holds me, not letting go.
He isn't hard he's gentle and pats my hair, telling me its ok. Compassion, worry, all from him to me.
Now I won't let go. I can't stop sobbing and mumbling and feel horrible, but he's there, reassures me. My throat still hurts but my chest isn't heaving any more, my headache is gone and he's not hurting me. This is the real Tsuzuki, not the cruel one of the dream....
I still don't know. What if it's a trick? The nightmare would be so much worse, full of false hope.
I ask who you are and you say again and again that it's you.
How do I know? I want you to prove it. Prove that you're you.
Kiss my forehead and smile, soft violet eyes look so sad. Doesn't know how. Nor do I.
How do I know? Know that you won't hurt me again? That you aren't Tsuzuki- Muraki?
My body knows better than I do. A kiss. Surprise, but is it me or him?
I don't think I care any more. Because it isn't only me kissing.
Hands still gentle, even like this... Tsuzuki, is that really you?
We've moved. The world is soft and doesn't hurt like the ground did, the tree roots in my back dirt in my hair scraping my back. Every touch is still so gentle, like feathers, but I'm still trembling. What if it comes back again, that horrible dream? Reassuring kisses, warmth all around me, I don't want it to end. Still scared, that image of you with my blood on your hands haunts me. Tsuzuki, I want to make sure this is you. That I'm out of the dream. Pleasure. In his arms I'm safe now... I think. would he hurt me? Is that his real face? I don't want to see that cruel smile ever again. Ever. Sweet smiles and promises, and you touch me again, still so soft.
It is you... right?
So gentle... why are you so kind to me? I cling to him and feel something so strange.
Like that horrible night, without the pain fear anger violation... just a gentle caress to try and make me feel better.
God, I didn't know things could be like this.
I call his name, not in fear but joy. Because now I know. Only Tsuzuki would be so gentle, would make it all better holding me tight and giving me the opposite of the dream. He's smiling, and I know it's him.
I love him. I keep saying those words over and over, crying again because I'm out of the dream and it will never come back.
Tsuzuki says them back, and I have something so very new...
I am loved, and I love back.
I've died and and found my heaven. Finally.