Title: She
Author: Nanouk
Beta Reader (and co-author): Rowan
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon owns everything
Timeline: Season 5, 'The Gift'
Spoilers: None
Summary: The scoobies' thoughts after Buffy's death.
Author's notes: Keep in mind that English isn't our native language and that we tried to do our best. If you can read French, then read the French version of this fic: 'Elle'.
SHE"She was my best friend. Well, I guess she was… I can't help myself but I can't stop thinking that I should have helped Buffy to stop Glory and to spare Dawn rather than keep on searching a way to save Tara. All I hope is that she's not mad at me. How could she be ? She's gone… I've seen her diving million times in my head, over and over again…
Dawn's cries are engraved on my memory and I can still see the helpless faces of all my friends. The stubborn silence of Giles, Xander's tears, Spike's pain and the lack of understanding of Anya. And Dawn's look… Poor little Dawn ! First Joyce and then Buffy. Buffy's dead. Poor Dawn ! I have to be strong for her, for us, for me… Fortunately, Tara is with me, by my side and safe. I could never have faced all this without her. I can't stop thinking that the hardest part is coming. I can see the faraway lights of LA at dusk. I'm scared but I can't turn and go back. He has to know."
Willow accelerates while she's trying to control her trembling hands on the wheel.
"Even a bottle of Jack Daniel's can't erase this feeling of guilt. I am, er... I was her Watcher, her guide, sometimes her father and always her friend. I should've helped her, shouldn't have let her jump. Oh I'm sure the Council will be proud, very proud ! I can already hear Quentin's voice : "Rupert, this Slayer stopped six apocalypses. She survived longer than any of others Slayers. Even if she was not that we can call a conventional person, she was the best. She died like a hero, she'll surely become a legend". It's true. Buffy The Vampire Slayer will become a legend. But she will no longer be remembered. When it came to slay, Buffy was unequalled. Of course, there was no one to match her but it's Buffy Summers who'll stay forever in my memory. Buffy was so much more that she herself thought she was. A wonderful young woman, smart and very generous. She represents everything a father can expect of his child. There was no one like her, she was special. She was all my life, my sole concern. I am useless without her… No Watcher without a Slayer. I am no use at all now".
Giles wants to pour himself another drink of whisky but he's too drunk. He misses the bottle. It falls and shatters on the floor.
"Xander won't speak to me anymore. It's been hours since we came back to the apartment. I've tried to change his mind but I've failed. I guess he thinks that I'm a moron, that I can't understand how much he's affected by Buffy's death. But I'm not blind and I know what she meant to him. She was more than a friend, more than a sister. She was his hero. I can finally understand why humans are crying when people die. It's some kind of way of being together through the pain and showing the others that we suffer too. And it's so much easier than putting words on things that hurt. When I've asked Xander if it was really painful, if I could help him, he glanced at me. A weird look. And he went to sit down on the couch. He didn't move or speak afterwards. We're gonna miss Buffy, I'm gonna miss Buffy… But they have to deal with that. Slayers are born to die one day or another. Plus, life goes on. Xander and I are gonna get married ! Buffy can't be my bridesmaid anymore because she's dead.
Anya sits on a blue stool in her great and wide apartment's kitchen, hands on her knees, gazing into space..
"It's almost too painful to think. And I don't wanna think anyway. If I had been wiser, stronger or faster, we'll probably be celebrating the Slayer's victory. Well, I would probably not have been invited but I would have gate-crashed anyway. 'course, I know, there's the rest of 'em but Buffy knew how much her lil' sis' cares 'bout me. When I saw the Slayer, I mean Buffy, falling down, I understood. I bloody understood what the others, that bloody sad bunch of crusaders they are, didn't want to understand. The Slayer jumped into space and she died. Now, her body is restin' in a box six feet under and I wonder where she finally is… And it's my fault. I promised her to keep an eye on the bit as long as I am on this earth. I shouldn't have let the old Doc' come closer to her. Poor Nibblet. But I'm so proud of her, she was so strong and courageous. I will keep the promise I made to the lady and I will take care of the lil' bit. I will. I really will. By lookin' beyond the facade, there's a lot of things I regret in my un-life. I wish I could have convinced Dru not to leave me, I wish I hadn't come to Sunnyhell all those years ago and I wish I could see the big poof burning in hell. But tellin' Buffy how I felt for her is something I'll never regret in all my un-life. If not, I could never have let her go."
Spike stands up abruptly and walks towards his crypt's door. Suddenly, he falls on the floor and shouts helplessly, head in his hands.
"Everyone takes care of me. They all try to console me. But they don't see that it's all my fault. I'm the one who should have died, I've been created for that after all, haven't I ? Life would go on without me. Maybe, they would even forget me. And I wouldn't have to feel this guilt, this pain and all this grief. Why are they trying to hide their sadness in front of me ? Oh yeah, I know, I'm just a 14 years old kid and I'm too young to face that kind of things. But I saw my sister die in front of me, and my mother… Mom. Now, I don't really know how they could keep me safe. By trying to real hide their pain, I'm starting to believe they are not even sad. All I wanted to know is how Spike was doing. I'm sure he's the only one to suffer as much as I do. He was the only one to love Buffy openly, just like Mom did. If only these monks didn't send me as a sister ! It would be easier, and Buffy would be here today. It's all my fault, my fault, my fault !!!"
Dawn turns back in her bed. She pretends not to see Tara who is holding her out a glass of water, as if not being in here anymore could stop the pain.
"I know Anya is staring at me. I can't talk to her, not yet, it's too soon. I don't even want to think just how things could've been tonight. It's useless and it's too late. What is done is done and Buffy won't come back anymore. I miss Will but she said she had to go and tell dead boy. She's probably right. I've tried to go and see Dawn but just seeing her is unbearable. I try to remember all the things I've done with Buffy, as if all the memories could bring her back to me. She saved the world a lot, she was my hero. She was so pretty, strong, important to me. I try really hard to convince myself that all is over but I can't. We must find a way. Buffy can't leave us just like that. How are we gonna survive without her ? If we're not be killed by vampires, sorrow will kill us one by one. And I surely will be the first to die. Anya was always making fun of me and the way I used to hide myself behind Buffy's back. But I've never felt as well as the day Buffy came into my life, even if she brought demons, hell and apocalypse with her. She can't die. She doesn't have the right to die."
Shaking like a leaf, Xander runs towards the phone but no sooner has he picked it up that he can feel a hand on his own. He sits down again on the couch, head on the knees of his wife-to-be.
"I have opened a spell book. It's the first thing I've done when we finally came home. Willow left immediately, she's gone to Los Angeles to tell Angel. I wanted to shout, I wanted to tell her not to leave, not to let me. I wanted to tell her to stay with me but I didn't say anything. I let her go because I knew she had to do it, see him. She needed it, for her, for him and for Buffy. Buffy. I find it hard to realise that we won't see her anymore. Tomorrow, she won't cross the threshold of the Magic Box to warn us of a great danger to fight. There is no danger anymore, she defeated it. And she hadn't survived it. Dawn hadn't say a thing since we came back home, she had just asked about Spike before go to bed. It's been two hours and she kept still. I've asked her if she wanted a glass of water or something but she didn't want anything. I didn't know what to say to her so I left her alone. Now, she's probably asleep, I hope she's sleeping… and she doesn't make any freaky nightmares. Maybe, I should go and check that she's peaceful in her sleep or maybe should I…"
Tara kneels on the floor and picks up her spell book. She lets it drop again and the pages are starting to turn quickly on their own before stop on a particular page. Her hands are trembling as she takes the little silver book. A halo of light is lighting the yellowed page as silent tears run down her cheeks.
I love you. I
will *always* love you.
But this is the work that I have to do.
Tell Giles ... tell Giles I figured it out. And, and I'm okay.
And give my love to my friends.
You have to take care of them now.
You have to take care of each other.
You have to be strong.
Dawn, the hardest thing in this world ... is to live in it.
Be brave. Live. For me.
THE END