iluvmarauders' part of A/N: If you're a huge fan of Squall, I'm sorry about all those insults, don't take them to heart, ya? Seifer is Seifer and he'd never like Squall...so there you go. Just trying to get Seifer's character right. And by the way, as my dear friend has not cared to elaborate more on the content of this fic...this songfic is mostly centered around failure, loss etc. and change.
Set just after the Ultimecia War...Seifer is a lost person and he's still trying to pick himself up after his dreams are shattered and he loses the girl he loves. And he hates Squall for taking Rinoa away from him, and he wonders if he would ever be able to forget her.
Part 1: Touched By An Angel
It was a sunny day in the quiet town of Balamb, perfect for fishing. Wisps of cotton-white clouds drifted slowly above him and a light cool breeze blew from the sea, ruffling his blond hair slightly. His trusty Hyperion lay by his side, the metal blade glinting in the afternoon sun, and a few bullets in the barrel. The years of usage and battles with its master had worn its handle until it was a bit rusty and full of scratches, but nevertheless, the 3-foot-long Gunblade was still reliable and deadly. It was probably the only true companion he had.
Spend all your time waitingFor that second chance
For a break that would made it okay
He sat down at the edge of the wooden boards that was the jetty, and let his legs dangle a few inches above the calm water. Then, he threw the line of his fishing rod into the air and watched it soar in a graceful arch before it dipped into the water, rippling the used-to-be silent and unmoving surface with a light splash. He wondered where his two buddies, Fujin and Raijin, had gone. They had suggested grabbing a quick lunch, but they had not returned yet. He sighed and waited as patiently as he could for some fish to come and bite his bait when he heard a familiar laugh behind him. He turned his head and he saw her.
There's always some reasonTo feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
He saw the raven-haired sorceress with her knight, the so-called Lion of Balamb. Or, in Seifer's language, Rinoa and Puberty Boy. They were walking towards the docks, and he could see her talking animatedly to Squall. They ceased walking for a few moments as they gazed at the deep blue sea that stretched infinitely before them. She tilted slightly in her characteristic way and smiled gently at her companion. Seifer felt a stab at his heart. The smile used to be directed at him, not Squall Leonhart.
"What in Hyne's name are they doing here?" thought Seifer. He wished with all his sinking heart that they would not see him then, wasting his life after losing his place as a SeeD in Balamb Garden. His wish came true when he saw them turn away from the docks, still chatting. He breathed a sigh of relief. And he wondered why he had made that wish but it comforted him to think that he would not have to face them and answer to his 'crimes'. That he would not have to flash his usual smirk at them as they questioned him repeatedly about what he had done to them. And to her.
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seep through my veins
"Rinoa…" How he missed her so terribly, and yet he was too ashamed to face her, after he had deliberately pushed her to the waiting hands of Adel, and left her to suffer. He was forced to, at that time. He had wanted to get out from that mess, the mess of Ultimecia-and-world-conquest-crap, and had made Rinoa his scapegoat. He knew that she would not forgive him for it, not in a million years. Nor would Puberty Boy.
He stared out at the horizon beyond his reach and felt a wave of despair wash over him. He had never admitted to anyone that he had been lonely. He had never known that himself. But now, he felt a sense of bleak friendlessness, and Fujin and Raijin only seemed like part of the crowd of gray shadows of people he had known all his life. Strangers.
He felt his eyes glaze over.
Let me be emptyOh oh weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
If only he had listened. Listened to his conscience and not serve the Sorceress. If only he had ignored her and all her promises. She had only used him to do her dirty work. In believing that his dreams would come true, he had destroyed his present self, and now his future. If only he had listened to that small voice at the back of his mind, and just gave up his dreams from the moment he sensed that something had gone awry. No, if only he had never met the Sorceress in the first place.
The sun's rays settled upon him, but he only felt the heat like a faraway needle pricking his arm. He was drowning in his emotions that were furiously and mercilessly sweeping him away, pulling him under the surface beyond help's reach and into the vortex of endless remorse. Anger, guilt, misery… He choked back a tear hurriedly before it could escape his eye. Regret…
How he wished he had someone with him now, who could see right through his macho-man act, and comfort him. He wondered vaguely how long it had been since he had last been comforted. He wished that he had someone who would stand out in the middle of all the obscure shadows that was his black and white world.
He stared down at the unbroken surface of the water beneath him and he saw an image of a young man with pale blond hair cut short, and intent yet mocking emerald eyes. A square jaw and a determined set of lips met a neck leading to the collar of his customary white-gray trench coat. He fumed at the reflection. The face that glared back at him was exactly the same as the one before all the turmoil. Yet, when he looked closer, he noticed that the eyes had lost its usual glint and his face was no longer set in a scornful expression.
Just then, the wind decided to play rough and a cold draft blew from the sea and over him. The sudden iciness did not seem to add much to the bitterness he was already feeling. Like an echo far away, he heard a bird chirp in indignation, and a flickering of tiny wings beating hastily against the breeze. He did not bother lifting his gaze.
Then, he felt something soft and cool brush his cheek and flutter to the water, breaking the tranquility of the surface with growing ripples, and distorting his reflection. He blinked a few times without looking away, and his stomach turned at the incongruity. It was a lone, delicate white feather.
In the arms of an angelFly away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
If only he had treated her better when he had met her in Timber a few years back, before he had served as the Sorceress's Knight. They had met that summer in the Timber train station, when she had come up to him and asked him whether he was from Balamb Garden. He had nodded, and she had smiled appreciatively at him. A small smile that had brightened his day considerably, he recalled. She had asked him to help her to request help from Headmaster Cid to send a team of professional SeeDs to aid her and the Timber Owls in rebelling against President Vinzer Deling and bringing independence to Timber.
He had gone back to Garden, conveyed to Headmaster Cid her request, and the latter had agreed. But instead of sending him to help her out, he had sent Puberty Boy, Chicken-wuss and Messenger Girl, and had locked him up in Garden with Instructor Quistis Trepe.
Unable to stand the thought of seeing his beloved Rinoa injured, he had broken out from the detention class in school and had gone all the way to Timber. Upon seeing President Deling in the TV station, he had crashed the place and taken the dictator as hostage. And that was where the Sorceress had stepped in and offered him his dream, the dream of becoming a sorceress's knight. He groaned as he thought of how he had foolishly taken the bait she had laid out especially for him. It had ruined his life and reduced it to what it was now. How he hated it, the feeling of being used and fooled…and how he had flinched whenever he heard people whisper to one another behind his back, 'there...that guy…he was Ultimecia's knight, lapdog, servant, etc….', thinking that he was unable to hear them. That had deeply angered him and he had to clench his fists until they turned white to resist the insatiable urge to swipe his Hyperion at the idiots who bad-mouthed him.
He had tried all his life to think himself superior to others. And he probably was. He might have been the strongest fighter in Balamb, the most expert wielder of the Gunblade. Yet, he had always lived in the shadow of a certain Squall Leonhart. He could not see why many favoured him. To Seifer, he was only a stony-faced SeeD who just happened to be able to fight well…not to mention defeat him many times…but that was just luck, thought Seifer.
Even Headmaster Cid had chosen Puberty Boy over him to help Rinoa, when it was obvious that he would have been the better choice. After all, what did Squall care about the burdens of others? And then, Rinoa had chosen Squall over him. He could not blame her after all that he had done to her…but he felt it unfair that everyone was so busy hating him that they had never given him a chance to prove himself worthy of their praise and thoughts. And now, it was too late.
He tried half-heartedly to crack his usual grin as he rested his eyes on the feather. His cheek muscles refused to budge, no doubt through lack of practice. He suddenly ached for someone to speak to him. He scowled at the feather as if he was angry that it did not suddenly grow lips and a tongue and said something to him.
"Squ-all…" A clear mocking voice shattered the stillness and shifted the mist that blanketed him.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
He glanced back at the graceful girl he loved, and braced himself for the searing pain across his soul. Her smooth black hair that cascaded to her delicate shoulders was playing in the wind. In all the giddiness and blurriness that enveloped him, he felt a hazy urge to tug at the elegant locks the same teasing way he used to. His angle of gaze dropped and he noticed her quick and nimble fingers resting lightly on Squall's arm.
She laughed again, the sound ringing clearly in Seifer's ears and somehow managing to poke a hole through the fog around him, and for the first time after so long, he saw a tint of daylight. A ghost of a smile fluttered across his lips before a nauseating sensation swept over him, when he saw her lay her head on Squall's shoulder.
He ran his hand through his tussled hair, and gazed down at his reflection once again. The feather floated innocently on the sheet of water, and drifted slowly away with the tide, taking torn bits of pieces of his heart with it.
He knew that she was gone from his life forever, but was he willing to let go? To try and forget her charming smile and laughter? To loosen his grip and plummet to the hard rock below?
"If you're happy with him…I'll let you go," he murmured as he watched the couple leave the docks, her retreating back bearing the angel wing motif. His eyes grazed over it. It had been a long time since he had been with her, and he hardly recalled that there was even a motif on her back.
He managed to summon a bittersweet smile. For he remembered the tiny stream of daylight that trickled from the miniscule hole she had drilled in the brick wall in front of him…and he knew that even if she was galaxies away from him, she would always be the one to save him, the bed of roses down there to break his fall, and the light on his path to guide him wherever he would go.
*****
Hush,
love,
I see a light in the sky,
Oh it's almost blinding me,
I can't believe I've been touched by an angel...
~Celine Dion: A new day has come~
A/N: Forgive the 'new day has come' part at the end...I just thought that the words pretty much fit the story...Quistis part coming up...but if only you review!!!!