Lammy Leonhart: Greetings fellow readers and Seiftis lovers out there! iluvmarauders has finally submitted in the 2nd part of the fic. Well, this time, we look into Quistis' thoughts, and it is full of angst…she's angry, enraged, and upset…I know that feeling.
But forget about my thoughts. Go on and read and I'll really appreciate it if you review.
iluvmarauders: hahah...i've finally done the 2nd part! Once again, forgive me if Quistis is OOC...sometimes, we have sudden spurts of uncontrollable anger...and she just happens to experience one of these spasms in this fic...she doesn't really hate Rinoa, she was just feeling depressed like any other person...so no hard feelings, kay? By the way, I guess she doesn't really love Squall...I purposely avoided deep elaboration on that subject. She's just got a sort of crush on him and she cares a lot for him, but we all wonder... And take the ending anyway you wish... (potential Seiftis maybe? Anything you want...)
Quistis remembers all that she has done for Squall, and she realizes that all those efforts have been in vain. She has failed what she has set out to do for such a long time...bring life back into Squall. She wonders if she will ever be able to stop reflecting on that failure.
Part 2: Sweet Madness, Glorious Sadness
"Your latte, miss," said the waiter as he presented the drink to her.
"Thank you," she answered and took a sip of the hot beverage. She was seated in a café that was built near the sea, and it was quite famous for its wide range of high-class coffee that could rival Esthar's high quality ones. The cool comforting breeze tickled the blonde curls that framed her face as she gazed out at the blue ocean. It calmed her and soothed her nerves.
The afternoon sun shone down brightly on the blue-green sea, highlighting the tiny waves that rolled peacefully onto the sandy beach with slight touches of foam here and there. She flicked a few stray hairs calmly from her face, and a relaxed smile crossed her normally composed features as she slumped back in her comfortable chair, the glistening ocean reflected on her glasses.
You're so tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
"Oh…life…" she murmured under her breath. After the Ultimecia War, nothing much was going on at Balamb Garden, and Headmaster Cid had given all instructors, SeeDs, and students a weeklong holiday. She had accepted it with gratitude, thinking things would finally settle down, but now it seemed that she could not wait to get back to Garden to resume her classes.
She could not stand doing nothing for so long. She had always been on the go and on top of things, and she did not see why anything had to be any different. Perhaps that was what made her unlike the other residents of Balamb Garden. That her tenacious personality had driven her to pursuing SeeDship at a tender age of fifteen and a career as an instructor when others were just learning how to handle their weapons properly.
She ran her fingers over the whip at her waist. Talent? She had seen and acknowledged talent when appropriate, but she had never wondered if she had any. But it did not really matter. As long as she was where she had aimed to be since she was a child, she was happy.
Her romantic dream, she thought with a twisted smile as her mind recalled the image of the taunting and proud face of Seifer Almasy when he became the Sorceress's Knight. She wondered briefly where he was now, and if he had given up dreaming yet. She sighed. Life was certainly quieter without him around, and she was pretty sure that no one missed him at Garden, save perhaps Fujin and Raijin?
The storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
Just then, she spotted somebody familiar. Or two familiar people. Dark brown hair glinting in the sunlight and a black suit, a Gunblade swaying at his side…lovely black locks attached to an equally lovely face and a feminine coat of a shade of baby blue. Squall and Rinoa…the couple who had defeated Ultimecia and brought peace to the two continents of the world with the other members of SeeD, including her. But people tended to forget the other SeeDs.
Squall and Rinoa, heroes of Balamb, and she did not need to wonder why people hailed them and thought higher of them than the rest. The most handsome young man and the most beautiful young lady in town, a perfect match…people tended to notice these details above all. She agreed with them but sometimes, it hurt her to see everybody waving and smiling at them, while she just slinked by, an unknown person.
She glanced down at the couple, her sharp eyes picking up Squall's angular face and the trademark scar across his face, marring his handsome features just a little. His brooding eyes revealed nothing as he looked at Rinoa who was busy talking about…something, but she could see that his usual hard expression had softened, just like his heart. Quistis felt drained all of a sudden. After all that she had tried to do to make him happier, it had to be Rinoa who was destined to make him smile in the end. After all she had done to make him care just a little, it was Rinoa who managed to get him to believe that he was not alone in the world. All her efforts were wasted on him.
Her heart pounded with suppressed rage at the animated girl and the mischievous twinkle in her eyes. She felt her eyes water in anger and disappointment. She brought her hand up to her eyes and brushed away the threatening tear. Her steel blue eyes shot daggers at the happy couple below. Life was so unfair. After all she had gone through, that was her fate, to sit and sulk, whereas happy rich Rinoa who knew no suffering before the world quaked under Ultimecia's threat was the one with the beauty and ever-attractive smile, the one who could capture Squall's attention and win however much of a heart he had left.
"Quistis!" Her conscience screamed at her from the back of her mind, but with all the fury enveloping her, she hardly heard the desperate call. She knew that she was not normally like that, but all the emotions she had been holding back for so long were suddenly threatening to flow all at once and she could not hold back the tide. The ferocious anger pounded on the wall she had built a long time ago to block it out.
She swallowed and tried to regain her composure. She licked her dry lips and crossed her arms in front of her, her eyes turning to the floor. She inhaled deeply, and mentally tried to push back the wave of fury that opposed her. What was she thinking? Rinoa was a caring and sympathetic person, and a very good friend. How could she be angry with her? Just because she was jealous?
A chill crept up her spine. She was jealous. Jealous of Rinoa's ability to stop time with just a half-smile and gentle wave of her hand. Jealous that where she had failed, Rinoa had succeeded in winning both Squall's and Seifer's hearts, the two most frustrating people she had ever met, and never understood.
She snorted softly.
"Talent?" her heart whispered sarcastically, the sheer tone twisting her guts, echoing in her mind. "What talent?"
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
Squall…he was her favourite student, aside from Seifer, although they were…problematic. However, they were her best students in all of Garden. They were the prized fighters of Garden who made the school proud. They were also the hottest of all rivals, and that ultimate animosity had led to the fateful battle that left them each with a scar, both identical although slanted in different directions, that they would carry with them as a mark of their rivalry for the rest of their lives.
And how she had blamed herself for not being there at that time to stop them, and how Cid had reprimanded her for not taking care of her students properly. But she knew deep down, he cared for all of them, and had decided to pardon the three of them on the condition it would not happen again. But there is always a punishment for every crime done; she was stripped off her post as an Instructor, reducing her rank to that of a normal SeeD. How she had detested the day.
"That's it, the end," she had thought to herself then. She had not known the real feeling of defeat, the real bottom of the pit. Now, she knew. Amidst all the happiness and peace, she had hit rock bottom…she had failed. As an instructor and a friend. She had failed to steer Seifer back to the right path before he was gone forever. And she had failed to make Squall understand the problems and feelings of others, and make him feel loved.
At least Rinoa managed to complete the task I have started and left unmanned, she thought. At least Squall was safe now, no thanks to her, Quistis Trepe, of course. She was supposed to feel happy for him, but all the disappointment and depression crushed her and shaded her from daylight. In all the darkness and suffocation, she saw no reason to feel happy, although a small voice in the emptiness of her mind insisted timidly that she feel happy.
And there was Seifer. He could have been great, a figure to be looked up to, if only she had cared to help him. But she was so blinded by the impossible task to open up Squall's heart, that she hardly noticed him, flailing in the middle of all the roaring waves, threatening to drown. She had failed to hear his silent pleas for help; she had failed to be there for him when he needed someone to guide him. She had failed to realise that beneath all the arrogance and foolishness, there were open wounds and pain.
In this sweet madness
Oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees
Behind every successful man, there is always a woman. Quistis glanced once again at the Balamb's perfect couple and realised the impact of those words. If she had thought that the saying was ridiculous, she did not think so now. Squall and Rinoa had strolled slowly, taking in the ocean, and had paused for a few moments as they chatted. She just wished that she were the woman behind Squall.
Up ahead, she saw a familiar figure on the docks, fishing, but she could not place that particular person. Then, the couple resumed their leisurely walk from the docks and past the café, on their way back to the town of Balamb.
Her lips moved upward a few millimeters as she watched them. She was quite a romantic, and she had fantasized many times as a child of meeting her Prince Charming one day who would sweep her off her feet and they would ride on the back of his noble steed into the sunset, just like in fairy-tales.
A hollow laugh escaped her dry throat. Squall, the Prince Charming…strong and silent? Another wild giggle flew out from her lips. And then, for absolutely no reason, she started laughing, forcing every breath out with utmost viciousness.
They never said in fairy-tales that some random girl could come and steal Prince Charming from you.
In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark, cold, hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
Just then, she felt something slide down her cheek. She was crying. For the first time after so long, years even, tears were actually coming out from her eyes. Crying over Squall of all reasons. It was beyond logic. She stared at the floor in disbelief, tears drying up on her face, making it stiff and stretched.
Yes, she felt enraged that Rinoa had just flown in out of the blue and snatched Squall away from her. But then, she never had Squall in the first place. Prince Charming had never loved her, not yesterday, not ever.
She took out a tissue and dried her eyes, telling herself not to cry anymore over Squall. It was not a loss. There was nothing to cry over. You cannot lose what you never had.
She had dreamed of Squall smiling at her, his eyes with a certain light. She had dreamed of him telling her about his troubles and his burden. She had dreamed of the day when Squall would finally notice that she had been there for him for so long, and that he would thank her profusely for supporting him.
A wave of hysterical laughter swept over her. She pursed her lips firmly, refusing to emit a sound. Why laugh or cry? There was no difference, no change. Quistis had always been just Quistis to Squall. Just another irritating person who tried to pry into his privacy. Just another person who thought she could drag him out from his shell.
And she had tried. She had tried to coax some emotion out of the stone lion, and over the years, from the time they were in the orphanage until now, she could not. Rinoa, whom he barely knew before the mission in Timber, had done it. Squall was now more vulnerable to feelings and…happier. The last time she had seen him smile was when he was in the Orphanage with Sis, and after Sis was gone, he had turned moody and gloomy and finally shut himself up and away from people.
That was until Rinoa had come along and melted the brick wall he had built around him for the past few years that she, Quistis Trepe had been trying to break using all her strength for as long as she could remember but could not. Pointless really. But she had never given up. Stupid.
Rinoa was the one who could bring the warmth of happiness to him, and ever since then, Squall had started to smile and he had even laughed. She had not seen Squall laugh so whole-heartedly for the past few years, and now…Her mind started to grow hazy and heavy, a weight on her shoulders. She prepared to fight the tears that she predicted would come. Actually, she did not have to. She was drained off all emotion, her face a perfect portrait of stoniness. All she felt deep down was emptiness and defeat.
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here
"If you're happy with her…I'll let you go," Quistis muttered to herself as she watched the couple stride away from her and disappear around the corner. She sat there for a few minutes; basking in the blankness her mind was experiencing.
She stood up, cringing as her knees popped. She paid for her cup of coffee, and smiled half-heartedly at the helpful waiter. She walked slowly out of the café, careful not to betray any emotion or any hint that she had buckled under her overwhelming feelings just minutes ago.
She blinked as the sun met her outside. She immediately felt the heat on her back. It annoyed her, and she walked hurriedly down the street, heading for Garden to take an afternoon nap perhaps. She turned her face to the ground, and kicked at loose pebbles. She remembered how she used to try to throw pebbles into the sea at the docks, hoping to make them bounce on the surface. Futile efforts, just like everything she had tried with Squall.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a flicker of movement followed by a soft whooshing sound and a tiny clang. She whirled around, her eyes searching for the offender. Her gaze met striking green eyes staring straight at her. She jumped. Her eyes traveled over his blond hair and gaunt face, disfigured by a certain scar. Still the same, yet different…somehow.
She stared back at him, her steel blue eyes locking with his emerald ones. And she saw the traces of pain and loss littered all over his features, the saddened expression that made him look so much older, and the misery in the eyes that had seen a tear or two.
His gaze remained, as did hers. And for the first time, the instructor understood her student perfectly.
She did not know how long they just stood there, sharing their hurt in the silence, comforting each other somehow, or when she turned away and walked off as he strode away in the opposite direction.
But she knew she was not alone in the face of defeat and for many nights to come when she cried away the wee hours of dawn, she knew somewhere there was someone who was crying with her.
You're in the arms of an angel
May you find some comfort here
Seifer watched his ex-instructor turn her back and shuffle down the road. His eyes bore into the golden back of her head, just watching. The head grew smaller and smaller, and finally disappeared around the corner.
He turned around. He gazed at the faraway horizon where the giant body of water of the azure sea met the light blue shade of the never-ending sky. The sun smiled down upon him.
He smiled back.
*****
Let the rain come down and wash away my tears,
Let it fill my soul and drown my fears,
Let it shatter the walls for a new, new sun,
A new day has come...
~Celine Dion: A new day has come~