Stumbling Towards Contentment-Sequel to The Not So Merry Month of May
By Ginny K.
December 2013
Donna sighed as she heard the sound of Josh and Ben coming in the front door. It was Thursday, the night of Josh's late class. The class she didn't want him to teach but Josh had stubbornly refused and as a result usually spent most of Friday resting and regrouping. Fortunately Donna had talked him out of teaching on Fridays this semester, his first one back after the stroke. Josh had originally been scheduled to teach only two classes but at the last minute someone was needed to lead a small discussion class that met on Thursday nights. Josh had volunteered over Donna's protests. And now as the semester was drawing to a close he definitely wished he had listened to his wife in the first place. It put a bigger strain on him than he let on. He was used to crashing in bed by 10:00 most nights. And now it was almost 10:30 when Donna got up to head to the front door.
Donna greeted them both, kissed Josh and helped him take off his coat. Ben took Josh's backpack and dropped it on the stool in the kitchen on his way to the fridge for a snack. Josh headed wearily for the family room.
"There's leftovers on the top shelf." Donna called as she shut the closet door after hanging up the coats.
"Thanks." yelled Ben with his head in the fridge.
Donna went in the family room to talk to Josh.
"How was class?" she asked him as he tossed his cane aside and dropped into the recliner.
"Good. But I'm glad there's only two more weeks left in the semester." he said wearily. "Feel free to say, 'I told you so' anytime you want Donna." he added with a smirk.
Donna laughed with just a bit of bitterness as she balanced herself on the arm of the recliner and leaned over to plant a kiss on the top of Josh's head. "Why bother, it's not going to change things. Did you eat dinner?"
"Not really, wasn't hungry." he sighed as he reached for the remote and clicked on CNN.
"There's enough leftovers for you and Ben. But I would get there soon. He was looking pretty hungry." teased Donna as she tried to lighten the mood in the room a little.
"What?"
"Pork chops and rice with broccoli."
Josh seemed to contemplate the menu for a minute and then declined, "I'm ok. I'll take a cup of tea though."
"Sure."
Donna squeezed his hand and go up to leave. She stopped to look back at Josh before leaving the room. He was kicking off his shoes, already engrossed in the news.
Ben was eating at the kitchen table, a textbook propped up in front of him.
"Hey Donna. Josh going to eat?"
"Nope, it's all yours." she said with a grin. "Did he eat anything today?"
"Not much that I saw. I picked up some soup for lunch. He had about half of it. He was pretty quiet today too. Just didn't quite seem himself."
"Thank God the semester's over soon. He'll have a month to rest before the next one."
Donna put the kettle on for tea and popped the rest of the leftovers in the microwave for Ben.
"You didn't have to do that Donna but thanks." he said with a smile as she put the plate of food in front of him. "You need me for anything tomorrow night?"
"I don't think so. Hot date?"
"Well, I don't know about hot, but yeah, I have a date." replied Ben as he turned a nice shade of pink.
Donna loved to tease him about the never-ending line of girls he dated. Unfortunately none of them stuck around very long and Donna sometimes felt that was because of Josh. He had the tendency to scare off Ben's dates as he had done to her years before. Ben assured them that Josh wasn't the reason he never kept a girlfriend very long. The truth was he was always busy. He had school and his job as Josh's extra hand, driver, and occasional babysitter for the boys. He was a serious student, but like Josh, his IQ didn't break the bank and he worked hard for every grade he got.
Donna smiled as she watched him eat and study at the same time. He had been with the family for nearly 6 months and they couldn't image life without him. He was a big brother to the boys, a friend to both Josh and Donna and a tremendous help all around. He drove for Josh, helped as an assistant in Josh's office, baby sat for Jake and Jessie.
Most of all he was an extra set of eyes for Donna. She worked long hours herself and needed someone to keep an eye on things at home, to keep an eye on Josh. Despite the stroke he still had a tendency to push himself too hard and get too run down. It was a full time battle to get him to slow down. But Ben was good at getting him to slow down without actually coming out and telling him to. The way he interacted with Josh reminded Donna of the way Charlie was with Jed years earlier. Supportive without being smothering, able to run interference when needed, quick with a joke, a couple of tea or a few Tylenol. Josh gave him a hard time once in a while but Ben knew how to handle him. He knew when to push, when to back off, when to rat Josh out to Donna and when to just be his friend.
"Donna....Donna, the kettle's whistling."
Ben's voiced snapped Donna back to the present. She poured the tea and grabbed a container of yogurt out of the refrigerator, determined to get Josh to eat something.
"There's ice cream in the freezer," she called to Ben over her shoulder.
Josh was right where she left him, staring at CNN, absently tugging at his earlobe; something he did when stressed or bored. Donna put the tea on the small table next to Josh and handed him the yogurt and a spoon. He looked at it with mild disgust and decided that eating it was probably easier than arguing with Donna about it.
Donna sat down on the couch, curling up in the corner with the stack of files she had been reading through when Josh and Ben got home. She read for a while with one eye on the papers and one eye on Josh. Ben was right, he was very quiet. He finished the yogurt without a complaint and was halfway done the tea before he even said a word.
"Go ahead and ask." he said with a sigh as he flicked the channel to ESPN.
"Ask what?" muttered Donna, determined not to get sucked into their strange game of 20 Questions.
She was tired of having to drag everything out of Josh. It was like he wanted to talk but wanted her to beg him to do so. And she was tired of it. She had tried to cut him some slack for as long as she could. But now, 7 months after his stroke she was sick of begging to get him to communicate. It was just plain tiring and she had better things to do with her time.
Josh looked at his wife and wisely turned off the television. He slowly got up out of the recliner and moved to sit next to Donna. He gently removed the files from her lap and curled up next to her. She put her arm around his shoulders and kissed his forehead. Josh took a deep breath and shivered slightly.
"Cold?"
Donna felt Josh nod against her chest. She reached behind her and pulled the afghan down throwing it over the both of them.
"Wasn't a good day today." Josh confessed as he wrapped his arm around Donna's waist.
"Didn't think so. Physically?"
"Yeah. Leg was stiff, had trouble eating."
"Sick to your stomach or have trouble swallowing?" asked Donna.
"A little of both, mostly had trouble swallowing."
"It's been happening frequently. Did you mention it to the doctor last week?"
"Yeah, she said some of it was a lingering side effect from the stroke and some of it's..." Josh trailed off as he yawned.
"All in your head?"
"Yeah. Along with the pain in my back." laughed Josh.
"You want anything else to eat?"
Josh shook his head.
"Why don't you go to bed?"
"I have some reading to do." he muttered, clearly not in the mood to do any of the reading.
"Do it tomorrow. You'll have time. Come on, why don't you take a warm bath. I'll make you another cup of tea. I bought some bubble bath."
"And how can I refuse an offer like that?" smirked Josh as he sat up.
"You can't. Let's go." said Donna as she stood up and reached for his cane. He took it with his usual sigh. Soon after the stroke he had realized the cane was going to be part of his existence for the rest of his life, much to his disdain.
Josh headed for the bathroom while Donna went to make some more tea. Ben was still in the kitchen, washing up the few dishes that were in the sink.
"You don't have to do that Ben."
"It's not a problem. Josh ok?"
"Yeah. He admitted to having trouble swallowing today."
"I figured that's what it was. I thought that was supposed to basically go away with time."
"It was, but for some reason that problem just keeps hanging on. Do me a favor and keep an eye on him tomorrow. I just have this feeling we're headed for trouble."
"Sure. Should be a light day, he's got office hours in the late morning and that's it. I'll call you if anything comes up. I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow."
"Good night Ben."
By the time the tea was ready Josh was already in the large sunken tub in the master bath. He was flipping through the latest copy of Woman's Day he had found sitting in the basket next to the sink.
"Anything interesting?" asked Donna as she shut the door behind her.
"Well, according to this survey I'm not at risk for osteoporosis or premature menopause." he chuckled as he tossed the magazine aside and slid further down until the water came up to his chin.
"That's good. Here, careful, it's hot." said Donna as she held the mug out to him.
Donna put the lid down and sat on the toilet seat. Josh took a few sips of the tea and set the mug down before sliding back under the water. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of the bubbles. It was some bubbles made for cranky babies but Donna had kept a supply around long after the boys were past the cranky baby stage. She had found it worked wonders on cranky, middle-aged political advisor/professors too.
With Josh's eyes closed and him only half awake she had a chance to get a good look at him. She wasn't happy with what she saw. He looked exhausted and not just the normal tiredness that usually showed in his face as the week came to an end. He seemed to have gotten more gray hair overnight. The circles under his eyes never quite went away completely.
"Do I look that bad?" asked Josh quietly as he opened his eyes and found Donna staring at him.
"Pretty much." replied Donna with a sad smile.
Josh didn't respond; he just leaned forward and turned on the faucet to add more hot water. "You wanna come in?"
"Sure"
Donna slipped off her sweat pants and t-shirt while Josh poured some more bubbles in. He scooted forward to let her slip in behind him. She sank into the warmth with a heavy sigh, pulling Josh to her. He leaned his head back on her left shoulder and laced their fingers together on his chest. They stayed like that for a while. Josh eventually untangled their fingers to reach for the tea. Donna slipped her arms under the water to warm them up. She ran her hands along Josh's ribs, frowning to herself when she realized she could plainly feel each and every one of them.
"Josh, you're too skinny."
"I know." muttered Josh, knowing that the easiest thing to do was agree with her, especially when she was right.
"Have you decided what to do about the night class next semester?" asked Donna.
Josh had been asked by Jerry Blake, the head of his department to keep the same schedule for the following semester. The Thursday night class was a sore spot with Donna. She didn't like the idea of the late class. But if he kept the same schedule he would still have Fridays off to rest.
"No, but I have to let Jerry know by the end of next week. But I'm leaning towards taking it. Try and understand."
"I do understand Josh. I understand perfectly why you want to teach this class. This class is a room full of people who are just like you were 30 years ago. And you love it. But I'm worried about you. DO you even get that?"
"I know, I'll be fine. Trust me?"
"I'll try." she whispered as she absently ran her fingers over the pale scar that bisected his chest. It was faded but the memories lingered on, showing themselves in the form of nightmares and panic attacks that refused to fade away completely.
"Let's get out."
"OK" agreed Donna.
She got out first, dried off and threw the t-shirt back on. She handed Josh a towel and held out her hand for him to take as he climbed over the side of the tub. He kind of gave her an annoyed look and climbed out himself. Luckily Donna's reflexes were quick and she managed to catch him before he fell. He went into the bedroom and put on his pajamas without a word. Donna did the same. She thought about trying to talk to him but sometimes at the end of a long day she just didn't have the energy. And today was one of those days. She sighed to herself as she realized "those days" were coming more and more frequently.
Twenty minutes later they were sound asleep.
TBC
By Ginny K.
December 2013
Donna sighed as she heard the sound of Josh and Ben coming in the front door. It was Thursday, the night of Josh's late class. The class she didn't want him to teach but Josh had stubbornly refused and as a result usually spent most of Friday resting and regrouping. Fortunately Donna had talked him out of teaching on Fridays this semester, his first one back after the stroke. Josh had originally been scheduled to teach only two classes but at the last minute someone was needed to lead a small discussion class that met on Thursday nights. Josh had volunteered over Donna's protests. And now as the semester was drawing to a close he definitely wished he had listened to his wife in the first place. It put a bigger strain on him than he let on. He was used to crashing in bed by 10:00 most nights. And now it was almost 10:30 when Donna got up to head to the front door.
Donna greeted them both, kissed Josh and helped him take off his coat. Ben took Josh's backpack and dropped it on the stool in the kitchen on his way to the fridge for a snack. Josh headed wearily for the family room.
"There's leftovers on the top shelf." Donna called as she shut the closet door after hanging up the coats.
"Thanks." yelled Ben with his head in the fridge.
Donna went in the family room to talk to Josh.
"How was class?" she asked him as he tossed his cane aside and dropped into the recliner.
"Good. But I'm glad there's only two more weeks left in the semester." he said wearily. "Feel free to say, 'I told you so' anytime you want Donna." he added with a smirk.
Donna laughed with just a bit of bitterness as she balanced herself on the arm of the recliner and leaned over to plant a kiss on the top of Josh's head. "Why bother, it's not going to change things. Did you eat dinner?"
"Not really, wasn't hungry." he sighed as he reached for the remote and clicked on CNN.
"There's enough leftovers for you and Ben. But I would get there soon. He was looking pretty hungry." teased Donna as she tried to lighten the mood in the room a little.
"What?"
"Pork chops and rice with broccoli."
Josh seemed to contemplate the menu for a minute and then declined, "I'm ok. I'll take a cup of tea though."
"Sure."
Donna squeezed his hand and go up to leave. She stopped to look back at Josh before leaving the room. He was kicking off his shoes, already engrossed in the news.
Ben was eating at the kitchen table, a textbook propped up in front of him.
"Hey Donna. Josh going to eat?"
"Nope, it's all yours." she said with a grin. "Did he eat anything today?"
"Not much that I saw. I picked up some soup for lunch. He had about half of it. He was pretty quiet today too. Just didn't quite seem himself."
"Thank God the semester's over soon. He'll have a month to rest before the next one."
Donna put the kettle on for tea and popped the rest of the leftovers in the microwave for Ben.
"You didn't have to do that Donna but thanks." he said with a smile as she put the plate of food in front of him. "You need me for anything tomorrow night?"
"I don't think so. Hot date?"
"Well, I don't know about hot, but yeah, I have a date." replied Ben as he turned a nice shade of pink.
Donna loved to tease him about the never-ending line of girls he dated. Unfortunately none of them stuck around very long and Donna sometimes felt that was because of Josh. He had the tendency to scare off Ben's dates as he had done to her years before. Ben assured them that Josh wasn't the reason he never kept a girlfriend very long. The truth was he was always busy. He had school and his job as Josh's extra hand, driver, and occasional babysitter for the boys. He was a serious student, but like Josh, his IQ didn't break the bank and he worked hard for every grade he got.
Donna smiled as she watched him eat and study at the same time. He had been with the family for nearly 6 months and they couldn't image life without him. He was a big brother to the boys, a friend to both Josh and Donna and a tremendous help all around. He drove for Josh, helped as an assistant in Josh's office, baby sat for Jake and Jessie.
Most of all he was an extra set of eyes for Donna. She worked long hours herself and needed someone to keep an eye on things at home, to keep an eye on Josh. Despite the stroke he still had a tendency to push himself too hard and get too run down. It was a full time battle to get him to slow down. But Ben was good at getting him to slow down without actually coming out and telling him to. The way he interacted with Josh reminded Donna of the way Charlie was with Jed years earlier. Supportive without being smothering, able to run interference when needed, quick with a joke, a couple of tea or a few Tylenol. Josh gave him a hard time once in a while but Ben knew how to handle him. He knew when to push, when to back off, when to rat Josh out to Donna and when to just be his friend.
"Donna....Donna, the kettle's whistling."
Ben's voiced snapped Donna back to the present. She poured the tea and grabbed a container of yogurt out of the refrigerator, determined to get Josh to eat something.
"There's ice cream in the freezer," she called to Ben over her shoulder.
Josh was right where she left him, staring at CNN, absently tugging at his earlobe; something he did when stressed or bored. Donna put the tea on the small table next to Josh and handed him the yogurt and a spoon. He looked at it with mild disgust and decided that eating it was probably easier than arguing with Donna about it.
Donna sat down on the couch, curling up in the corner with the stack of files she had been reading through when Josh and Ben got home. She read for a while with one eye on the papers and one eye on Josh. Ben was right, he was very quiet. He finished the yogurt without a complaint and was halfway done the tea before he even said a word.
"Go ahead and ask." he said with a sigh as he flicked the channel to ESPN.
"Ask what?" muttered Donna, determined not to get sucked into their strange game of 20 Questions.
She was tired of having to drag everything out of Josh. It was like he wanted to talk but wanted her to beg him to do so. And she was tired of it. She had tried to cut him some slack for as long as she could. But now, 7 months after his stroke she was sick of begging to get him to communicate. It was just plain tiring and she had better things to do with her time.
Josh looked at his wife and wisely turned off the television. He slowly got up out of the recliner and moved to sit next to Donna. He gently removed the files from her lap and curled up next to her. She put her arm around his shoulders and kissed his forehead. Josh took a deep breath and shivered slightly.
"Cold?"
Donna felt Josh nod against her chest. She reached behind her and pulled the afghan down throwing it over the both of them.
"Wasn't a good day today." Josh confessed as he wrapped his arm around Donna's waist.
"Didn't think so. Physically?"
"Yeah. Leg was stiff, had trouble eating."
"Sick to your stomach or have trouble swallowing?" asked Donna.
"A little of both, mostly had trouble swallowing."
"It's been happening frequently. Did you mention it to the doctor last week?"
"Yeah, she said some of it was a lingering side effect from the stroke and some of it's..." Josh trailed off as he yawned.
"All in your head?"
"Yeah. Along with the pain in my back." laughed Josh.
"You want anything else to eat?"
Josh shook his head.
"Why don't you go to bed?"
"I have some reading to do." he muttered, clearly not in the mood to do any of the reading.
"Do it tomorrow. You'll have time. Come on, why don't you take a warm bath. I'll make you another cup of tea. I bought some bubble bath."
"And how can I refuse an offer like that?" smirked Josh as he sat up.
"You can't. Let's go." said Donna as she stood up and reached for his cane. He took it with his usual sigh. Soon after the stroke he had realized the cane was going to be part of his existence for the rest of his life, much to his disdain.
Josh headed for the bathroom while Donna went to make some more tea. Ben was still in the kitchen, washing up the few dishes that were in the sink.
"You don't have to do that Ben."
"It's not a problem. Josh ok?"
"Yeah. He admitted to having trouble swallowing today."
"I figured that's what it was. I thought that was supposed to basically go away with time."
"It was, but for some reason that problem just keeps hanging on. Do me a favor and keep an eye on him tomorrow. I just have this feeling we're headed for trouble."
"Sure. Should be a light day, he's got office hours in the late morning and that's it. I'll call you if anything comes up. I'm going to bed. See you tomorrow."
"Good night Ben."
By the time the tea was ready Josh was already in the large sunken tub in the master bath. He was flipping through the latest copy of Woman's Day he had found sitting in the basket next to the sink.
"Anything interesting?" asked Donna as she shut the door behind her.
"Well, according to this survey I'm not at risk for osteoporosis or premature menopause." he chuckled as he tossed the magazine aside and slid further down until the water came up to his chin.
"That's good. Here, careful, it's hot." said Donna as she held the mug out to him.
Donna put the lid down and sat on the toilet seat. Josh took a few sips of the tea and set the mug down before sliding back under the water. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of the bubbles. It was some bubbles made for cranky babies but Donna had kept a supply around long after the boys were past the cranky baby stage. She had found it worked wonders on cranky, middle-aged political advisor/professors too.
With Josh's eyes closed and him only half awake she had a chance to get a good look at him. She wasn't happy with what she saw. He looked exhausted and not just the normal tiredness that usually showed in his face as the week came to an end. He seemed to have gotten more gray hair overnight. The circles under his eyes never quite went away completely.
"Do I look that bad?" asked Josh quietly as he opened his eyes and found Donna staring at him.
"Pretty much." replied Donna with a sad smile.
Josh didn't respond; he just leaned forward and turned on the faucet to add more hot water. "You wanna come in?"
"Sure"
Donna slipped off her sweat pants and t-shirt while Josh poured some more bubbles in. He scooted forward to let her slip in behind him. She sank into the warmth with a heavy sigh, pulling Josh to her. He leaned his head back on her left shoulder and laced their fingers together on his chest. They stayed like that for a while. Josh eventually untangled their fingers to reach for the tea. Donna slipped her arms under the water to warm them up. She ran her hands along Josh's ribs, frowning to herself when she realized she could plainly feel each and every one of them.
"Josh, you're too skinny."
"I know." muttered Josh, knowing that the easiest thing to do was agree with her, especially when she was right.
"Have you decided what to do about the night class next semester?" asked Donna.
Josh had been asked by Jerry Blake, the head of his department to keep the same schedule for the following semester. The Thursday night class was a sore spot with Donna. She didn't like the idea of the late class. But if he kept the same schedule he would still have Fridays off to rest.
"No, but I have to let Jerry know by the end of next week. But I'm leaning towards taking it. Try and understand."
"I do understand Josh. I understand perfectly why you want to teach this class. This class is a room full of people who are just like you were 30 years ago. And you love it. But I'm worried about you. DO you even get that?"
"I know, I'll be fine. Trust me?"
"I'll try." she whispered as she absently ran her fingers over the pale scar that bisected his chest. It was faded but the memories lingered on, showing themselves in the form of nightmares and panic attacks that refused to fade away completely.
"Let's get out."
"OK" agreed Donna.
She got out first, dried off and threw the t-shirt back on. She handed Josh a towel and held out her hand for him to take as he climbed over the side of the tub. He kind of gave her an annoyed look and climbed out himself. Luckily Donna's reflexes were quick and she managed to catch him before he fell. He went into the bedroom and put on his pajamas without a word. Donna did the same. She thought about trying to talk to him but sometimes at the end of a long day she just didn't have the energy. And today was one of those days. She sighed to herself as she realized "those days" were coming more and more frequently.
Twenty minutes later they were sound asleep.
TBC