Stumbling Towards Contentment 3/?
By Ginny K.
See part one for notes and stuff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That week was the first time Donna had lost her cool since the stroke. Things
had just been building up inside and she had had enough. She held nothing
back as she let Josh have it. Yelling like she hadn't yelled since they were
in the White House. And he yelled right back. And in some strange way it
was good for both of them. Donna got to get rid of some things she had been
hanging onto for months. Josh learned he could still bellow with the best of
them.
There were two things that resulted from that incident. One was that Josh
reluctantly agreed, after much discussion, to seek outside help in dealing
with his emotions. He turned to Jed for advice and guidance. Jed had come
down to Washington for a few days at the end of the summer. He spent time
with Josh and Donna together, with them separately and with the family as a
whole. It was Jed who had finally gotten through to Josh that he needed
help. It was also Jed's idea to get some help at home. To give Donna a
break and to help Josh regain his sense of independence.
So the second result was Ben. And his arrival helped a lot. Not just due to
the things he did that were expected. It got better in that it gave someone
for both Josh and Donna to talk to. Someone objective, someone who hadn't
known them for years and years. They took great pains to make sure they
didn't trap Ben in between the two of them. He was good at listening to both
of them. He was careful not to run to one of them to tell what the other had
said. He held things in confidence, up to a point. And Josh understood that
Ben's confidence ended if he was in trouble, either physically or
emotionally. Ben was fiercely protective of Josh. Most of the time that
meant protecting Josh from himself.
Lately it seemed like Donna was relying more and more on Ben for information
about how Josh was doing. And it annoyed her, with good reason. She didn't
feel she should have to get her information from anyone other than the
source.
The source that was currently moaning softly in his sleep.
Donna got up from the overstuffed chair where she had been reading and
thinking. She sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to place her hand
on his chest. He flinched immediately at her touch, curling up in a ball
facing away from her, wrapping his arms protectively around himself.
As Donna expected, the soft moaning eventually gave way to restlessness and
the inevitable thrashing that accompanied Josh's nightmares. She knew from
years of experience that if she woke him up too soon the nightmare would
return when he fell back to sleep. So she crept out of the room and headed
for the bathroom. She returned a minute later with a damp washcloth and a
couple of Tylenol.
Josh had rolled over into the middle of the bed. She could tell he was
trying to wake himself up but without much luck. She put the pills on the
table and set the washcloth on the other pillow. With a tentative hand she
reached out to try and calm him down.
"Josh, honey, wake up. It's ok, open your eyes." she whispered as she gently
shook him by the shoulders.
The thrashing came to a stop. His eyes opened and the cloud of confusion
slowly gave way.
"Donna?" he moaned.
"Yeah, it's me. You ok?"
He shook his head a little and rubbed his eyes. "Head hurts." he said as his
eyes closed again.
Donna looked at him with a face full of concern. After a nightmare he was
usually wide awake, often needing time, a little television and a cup of tea
to get settled back down. She was obviously worried more than usual due to
the concussion.
"Josh, I need you to sit up for a minute." she said firmly. "Have something
to drink and take some Tylenol."
He reluctantly sat up against the headboard. He took the pills from Donna
and swallowed them with a little water. With a sigh he pulled his knees to
his chest and dropped his head down. Donna took a quick look at the back of
his head before running the washcloth over the back of his neck.
"Tip your chin up, let me wipe your face." said Donna as she nudged him a
little. She wiped his face and kissed his forehead. "Better?"
"Yeah, I'm just going to..." he muttered as he slid off the bed and pointed
in the direction of the bathroom. He limped into the bathroom without the
cane and returned a few minutes later, looking more focused and awake. He
walked to the window and stared out for a minute.
"Snowing?" asked Donna.
"Yeah, come see." he answered softly as he held out his hand to her.
Donna crossed the room and stood behind him, wrapping her arms around his
waist. "It's beautiful." she whispered as she rested her chin on his
shoulder.
Josh took half a step towards the window and leaned forward to rest his head
on the cool glass. Donna moved to stand next to him. She reached out to rub
his back gently.
"Josh?" she said, his name coming out more as a question than a statement.
She braced herself for the words he always said, "I'm fine." But they didn't
come.
Josh pushed himself back from the window and took a shaky breath trying to
control the emotions that were threatening to spill forth. He tried to turn
and walk out of the room quickly but not having his cane with him slowed him
down and in the darkness of the room he didn't notice that Donna had pushed
the ottoman out from the chair when she got up to wake him from his
nightmare.
He swore, loudly, as Donna reached out and kept him from falling over
completely. She righted him and handed him his cane. He headed for the
living room and she let him be alone for a few minutes. She moved the
ottoman, straightened the quilt, rewet the washcloth and used the bathroom
before heading out to check on Josh.
As she expected he was on the couch in the dark. He was sitting with his
head in his hands, sobbing like he hadn't sobbed since right after his
stroke. The sound broke her heart, as it always had. As strong and as
stubborn as Josh was on the outside he had a vulnerability that few people
saw. And when he hit bottom, he hit hard.
Donna grabbed the box of tissues and sat down quietly next to him. She
reached out to rub his back. Instead of flinching at her touch he leaned
into it, causing Donna's tears to start.
"Oh Josh." she whispered as she settled back into the corner of the couch,
pulling him down with her.
Josh sobbed until Donna was sure he was going to make himself sick. He had
tried to talk a few times but never got more than one or two words out.
Donna didn't have a clear idea of what in particular he was upset about, not
that it really mattered all that much at the moment.
Eventually Josh's body gave into its need for sleep and he drifted off in
Donna's arms, having basically cried himself to sleep. Donna stayed until
she was sure he was sound asleep and she carefully rolled him off of her and
slipped off the couch. She covered him up and knelt next to the couch for a
minute watching him.
"I love you." she whispered as she leaned forward and kissed his forehead.
Josh slept restlessly for a few hours; waking around 4 in the morning and
wandering back to his own bed. A little while later Jessie wandered in and
crawled in next to his father. Josh kissed his son and smiled when Jessie's
little hand found his own.
The boys were up early, eager to get out in the snow. Ben got them breakfast
and took them out to play and to shovel the walkway. Donna slept in a
little, getting up around 8. She let Josh sleep and he eventually wandered
into the kitchen around 10.
"Hey." he said as he walked to the table to sit down.
"Coffee?"
"Please."
Donna poured him a cup of coffee and handed it to him.
"So, I guess that was a little dramatic last night." muttered Josh. "Sorry."
"Joshua, you have nothing to be sorry about. How's your head this morning?
Need some Tylenol?"
"Still hurts and yeah, Tylenol would be great."
Donna got him some Tylenol along with the rest of the pills he took on a
daily basis. Aggrenox to help prevent another stroke and Paxil for the all
around anxiety that had plagued him off and on since Rosslyn, and a
multi-vitamin to help make up for some of his crappy eating habits. She
handed him the pills and he rolled them around in the palm of his hand,
giving them a look of disgust before swallowing them with some orange juice
Donna had put in front of him.
"You wanna talk about it?" asked Donna as she leaned against the counter,
sipping her coffee.
"What's there to talk about?" asked Josh flatly as he turned his attention to
the newspaper.
"Apparently nothing." muttered Donna as she poured the rest of the coffee in
the sink and turned to leave. "I'm going out to shovel with the boys if you
need anything."
As she put on her coat and boots she realized that wasn't the nicest thing
she could have said to Josh, but at that point being nice wasn't high on her
list of things to do.
And that's pretty much how the rest of the weekend went. Josh and Donna
snapped at each other, for both legitimate reasons and some not so legitimate
ones. The boys were starting to pick up on the tension in the house and Ben
was doing his best to distract them.
Sunday afternoon found Josh brooding in his study and Donna cleaning, which
was what she usually did when she found herself pissed at her husband. Ben
found her cleaning the grout in the bathroom with a toothbrush.
"Uh, Donna, you want me to get the boys out of here for a while?"
"Yeah, thanks. Why don't you take the van and go down and pick out a
Christmas tree?"
"OK, you want me to take them to lunch too."
"Sure." said Donna as she turned her attention back to the grout.
Ben smiled and started to leave.
"Hey Ben...thanks. I know things haven't been exactly pleasant around here
the last few days. I don't know what's wrong. I'm about to call in the
reinforcements."
"Sam or Josiah Bartlet?" asked Ben with a grin.
"Probably both. Looks like Josh might need to be double-teamed. You know I
don't like to ask you this..."
"He hasn't said anything to me that would give me a clue as to what is
wrong."
"Didn't think so. Thanks for taking the boys. Can you just do me a favor
before you leave..."
"Ask Josh if he wants to go?"
"Yeah, thanks."
Donna heard the front door shut and she took a quick look out the window to
see just Ben and the boys get into the van. She returned to her cleaning,
stopping about an hour later to get something to eat. There was no sign of
Josh and no noise was coming from the study. With a sandwich in one hand and
a can of soda in the other she went down the hall to check on him. He was
asleep on the couch, glasses on, book on his chest, TV muted on CNN.
Slipping the book out of his grasp and the glasses off his nose she pulled
the afghan over him and turned out the light.
Something made her stay in the study. Maybe it was because for the first
time in what seemed like days she could be in the same room as her husband
and not want to wring his neck. In his sleep he was peaceful, quiet and
still. Well, as still as Josh Lyman could get.
Donna sat down at the desk, turned on the little lamp and finished her lunch.
She booted up the computer and opened her email. There was some junk and a
message from Sam asking how things were going.
"Just peachy" she mumbled to herself as she hit reply.
TBC
By Ginny K.
See part one for notes and stuff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That week was the first time Donna had lost her cool since the stroke. Things
had just been building up inside and she had had enough. She held nothing
back as she let Josh have it. Yelling like she hadn't yelled since they were
in the White House. And he yelled right back. And in some strange way it
was good for both of them. Donna got to get rid of some things she had been
hanging onto for months. Josh learned he could still bellow with the best of
them.
There were two things that resulted from that incident. One was that Josh
reluctantly agreed, after much discussion, to seek outside help in dealing
with his emotions. He turned to Jed for advice and guidance. Jed had come
down to Washington for a few days at the end of the summer. He spent time
with Josh and Donna together, with them separately and with the family as a
whole. It was Jed who had finally gotten through to Josh that he needed
help. It was also Jed's idea to get some help at home. To give Donna a
break and to help Josh regain his sense of independence.
So the second result was Ben. And his arrival helped a lot. Not just due to
the things he did that were expected. It got better in that it gave someone
for both Josh and Donna to talk to. Someone objective, someone who hadn't
known them for years and years. They took great pains to make sure they
didn't trap Ben in between the two of them. He was good at listening to both
of them. He was careful not to run to one of them to tell what the other had
said. He held things in confidence, up to a point. And Josh understood that
Ben's confidence ended if he was in trouble, either physically or
emotionally. Ben was fiercely protective of Josh. Most of the time that
meant protecting Josh from himself.
Lately it seemed like Donna was relying more and more on Ben for information
about how Josh was doing. And it annoyed her, with good reason. She didn't
feel she should have to get her information from anyone other than the
source.
The source that was currently moaning softly in his sleep.
Donna got up from the overstuffed chair where she had been reading and
thinking. She sat on the edge of the bed and reached out to place her hand
on his chest. He flinched immediately at her touch, curling up in a ball
facing away from her, wrapping his arms protectively around himself.
As Donna expected, the soft moaning eventually gave way to restlessness and
the inevitable thrashing that accompanied Josh's nightmares. She knew from
years of experience that if she woke him up too soon the nightmare would
return when he fell back to sleep. So she crept out of the room and headed
for the bathroom. She returned a minute later with a damp washcloth and a
couple of Tylenol.
Josh had rolled over into the middle of the bed. She could tell he was
trying to wake himself up but without much luck. She put the pills on the
table and set the washcloth on the other pillow. With a tentative hand she
reached out to try and calm him down.
"Josh, honey, wake up. It's ok, open your eyes." she whispered as she gently
shook him by the shoulders.
The thrashing came to a stop. His eyes opened and the cloud of confusion
slowly gave way.
"Donna?" he moaned.
"Yeah, it's me. You ok?"
He shook his head a little and rubbed his eyes. "Head hurts." he said as his
eyes closed again.
Donna looked at him with a face full of concern. After a nightmare he was
usually wide awake, often needing time, a little television and a cup of tea
to get settled back down. She was obviously worried more than usual due to
the concussion.
"Josh, I need you to sit up for a minute." she said firmly. "Have something
to drink and take some Tylenol."
He reluctantly sat up against the headboard. He took the pills from Donna
and swallowed them with a little water. With a sigh he pulled his knees to
his chest and dropped his head down. Donna took a quick look at the back of
his head before running the washcloth over the back of his neck.
"Tip your chin up, let me wipe your face." said Donna as she nudged him a
little. She wiped his face and kissed his forehead. "Better?"
"Yeah, I'm just going to..." he muttered as he slid off the bed and pointed
in the direction of the bathroom. He limped into the bathroom without the
cane and returned a few minutes later, looking more focused and awake. He
walked to the window and stared out for a minute.
"Snowing?" asked Donna.
"Yeah, come see." he answered softly as he held out his hand to her.
Donna crossed the room and stood behind him, wrapping her arms around his
waist. "It's beautiful." she whispered as she rested her chin on his
shoulder.
Josh took half a step towards the window and leaned forward to rest his head
on the cool glass. Donna moved to stand next to him. She reached out to rub
his back gently.
"Josh?" she said, his name coming out more as a question than a statement.
She braced herself for the words he always said, "I'm fine." But they didn't
come.
Josh pushed himself back from the window and took a shaky breath trying to
control the emotions that were threatening to spill forth. He tried to turn
and walk out of the room quickly but not having his cane with him slowed him
down and in the darkness of the room he didn't notice that Donna had pushed
the ottoman out from the chair when she got up to wake him from his
nightmare.
He swore, loudly, as Donna reached out and kept him from falling over
completely. She righted him and handed him his cane. He headed for the
living room and she let him be alone for a few minutes. She moved the
ottoman, straightened the quilt, rewet the washcloth and used the bathroom
before heading out to check on Josh.
As she expected he was on the couch in the dark. He was sitting with his
head in his hands, sobbing like he hadn't sobbed since right after his
stroke. The sound broke her heart, as it always had. As strong and as
stubborn as Josh was on the outside he had a vulnerability that few people
saw. And when he hit bottom, he hit hard.
Donna grabbed the box of tissues and sat down quietly next to him. She
reached out to rub his back. Instead of flinching at her touch he leaned
into it, causing Donna's tears to start.
"Oh Josh." she whispered as she settled back into the corner of the couch,
pulling him down with her.
Josh sobbed until Donna was sure he was going to make himself sick. He had
tried to talk a few times but never got more than one or two words out.
Donna didn't have a clear idea of what in particular he was upset about, not
that it really mattered all that much at the moment.
Eventually Josh's body gave into its need for sleep and he drifted off in
Donna's arms, having basically cried himself to sleep. Donna stayed until
she was sure he was sound asleep and she carefully rolled him off of her and
slipped off the couch. She covered him up and knelt next to the couch for a
minute watching him.
"I love you." she whispered as she leaned forward and kissed his forehead.
Josh slept restlessly for a few hours; waking around 4 in the morning and
wandering back to his own bed. A little while later Jessie wandered in and
crawled in next to his father. Josh kissed his son and smiled when Jessie's
little hand found his own.
The boys were up early, eager to get out in the snow. Ben got them breakfast
and took them out to play and to shovel the walkway. Donna slept in a
little, getting up around 8. She let Josh sleep and he eventually wandered
into the kitchen around 10.
"Hey." he said as he walked to the table to sit down.
"Coffee?"
"Please."
Donna poured him a cup of coffee and handed it to him.
"So, I guess that was a little dramatic last night." muttered Josh. "Sorry."
"Joshua, you have nothing to be sorry about. How's your head this morning?
Need some Tylenol?"
"Still hurts and yeah, Tylenol would be great."
Donna got him some Tylenol along with the rest of the pills he took on a
daily basis. Aggrenox to help prevent another stroke and Paxil for the all
around anxiety that had plagued him off and on since Rosslyn, and a
multi-vitamin to help make up for some of his crappy eating habits. She
handed him the pills and he rolled them around in the palm of his hand,
giving them a look of disgust before swallowing them with some orange juice
Donna had put in front of him.
"You wanna talk about it?" asked Donna as she leaned against the counter,
sipping her coffee.
"What's there to talk about?" asked Josh flatly as he turned his attention to
the newspaper.
"Apparently nothing." muttered Donna as she poured the rest of the coffee in
the sink and turned to leave. "I'm going out to shovel with the boys if you
need anything."
As she put on her coat and boots she realized that wasn't the nicest thing
she could have said to Josh, but at that point being nice wasn't high on her
list of things to do.
And that's pretty much how the rest of the weekend went. Josh and Donna
snapped at each other, for both legitimate reasons and some not so legitimate
ones. The boys were starting to pick up on the tension in the house and Ben
was doing his best to distract them.
Sunday afternoon found Josh brooding in his study and Donna cleaning, which
was what she usually did when she found herself pissed at her husband. Ben
found her cleaning the grout in the bathroom with a toothbrush.
"Uh, Donna, you want me to get the boys out of here for a while?"
"Yeah, thanks. Why don't you take the van and go down and pick out a
Christmas tree?"
"OK, you want me to take them to lunch too."
"Sure." said Donna as she turned her attention back to the grout.
Ben smiled and started to leave.
"Hey Ben...thanks. I know things haven't been exactly pleasant around here
the last few days. I don't know what's wrong. I'm about to call in the
reinforcements."
"Sam or Josiah Bartlet?" asked Ben with a grin.
"Probably both. Looks like Josh might need to be double-teamed. You know I
don't like to ask you this..."
"He hasn't said anything to me that would give me a clue as to what is
wrong."
"Didn't think so. Thanks for taking the boys. Can you just do me a favor
before you leave..."
"Ask Josh if he wants to go?"
"Yeah, thanks."
Donna heard the front door shut and she took a quick look out the window to
see just Ben and the boys get into the van. She returned to her cleaning,
stopping about an hour later to get something to eat. There was no sign of
Josh and no noise was coming from the study. With a sandwich in one hand and
a can of soda in the other she went down the hall to check on him. He was
asleep on the couch, glasses on, book on his chest, TV muted on CNN.
Slipping the book out of his grasp and the glasses off his nose she pulled
the afghan over him and turned out the light.
Something made her stay in the study. Maybe it was because for the first
time in what seemed like days she could be in the same room as her husband
and not want to wring his neck. In his sleep he was peaceful, quiet and
still. Well, as still as Josh Lyman could get.
Donna sat down at the desk, turned on the little lamp and finished her lunch.
She booted up the computer and opened her email. There was some junk and a
message from Sam asking how things were going.
"Just peachy" she mumbled to herself as she hit reply.
TBC