Stumbling Towards Contentment 4/?
By Ginny K.
See part one for notes and stuff. I just realized I never gave it a rating,
we'll call it PG-13.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject-Re:How's it going?
Date-12/15/2013
From:dlyman@a...
To:SNS@s...
It's going....not so well. Been a rough weekend. Physically Josh is doing
ok, lingering headache but that's all from the fall. Emotionally, well
that's another story. Had a mini meltdown on Friday night. He was exhausted
and in pain when we got home from the hospital. Only got about an hour's
worth of sleep before a nightmare. It didn't seem like a particularly bad one
but he didn't come out of it as quickly as he usually does. Which meant I
was starting to panic because of the concussion. Anyway, he wandered out of
the room and I found him sobbing a little while later. Really sobbing. Took
a while to calm him down. Never really said what exactly was wrong and I'm
not sure he knew anyway.
Basically refused to talk about it the next morning. Spent the last day and
a half moping around, snapping at me, Ben, even the boys. It's a regular
pity party around here. And you know what, I'm tired of it. Maybe that's a
terrible thing to say given what Josh has gone through in his life but oh
well.
Not sure I'm looking forward to the semester break. A month of brooding from
Josh doesn't sound very exciting. I'm trying to be supportive and
understanding but his refusal to talk just drives me nuts. It always has and
he knows it.
Any words of wisdom you care to impart would be greatly appreciated. If you
want to try talking to him, be my guest.
I'll keep you updated.
Love,
Donna
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She reread it quickly and sent it just as Josh was starting to wake up.
"Hey, whatcha doing?" he asked as he pushed the afghan back and stretched a
bit.
"Just emailed Sam. He sent a message. Wanted to know how you're doing."
"What did you tell him?"
"The truth." Donna said with a sigh.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" asked Josh flatly.
"Nothing, forget it. Look, are you hungry, you want me to make you something
to eat?"
"Yeah, sure. Grilled cheese?"
"Fine." said Donna as she turned to leave.
Josh got up slowly as she went to the kitchen. He put on his glasses and
checked his own email before heading for the bathroom. By the time he got to
the kitchen Donna was putting his sandwich on a plate.
"You want some iced tea?"
"Yeah, thanks."
Donna leaned against the counter while Josh ate with enthusiasm, something he
hadn't done in a while.
"Finally got your appetite back?"
"Yeah." Josh replied with a grin. "Come sit with me for a minute." he added
motioning to the chair across the table from him.
Donna grabbed some tea for herself and settled down in the chair. Josh
smiled a genuine smile and propped his feet in her lap. That simple gesture
shocked Donna and she smiled as she reached down to rub his feet.
"Josh, can we talk for a minute. I mean really talk?"
"Yeah." whispered Josh.
"Good. Are you ok?"
"Well, my head hurts, the stitches itch and my back is stiff."
"Sorry to hear that but that's not what I was getting at."
"I didn't think so." he muttered as he took another bite of his sandwich.
"What's going on? You've been cranky, moody, and frankly not a whole lot of
fun to be around lately."
"Gee thanks Donna. Just what I wanted to hear from my wife." he said
bitterly as he pushed the plate away from him.
Well, I'm sorry it's not what you wanted to hear Josh." she said as she
pushed his feet off her lap.
His feet hit the floor with a thud and a look of surprise and pain flashed
across his face.
"Owww. What the hell was that for?" he said, his voice and blood pressure
starting to climb.
"Nothing." muttered Donna.
Donna took a deep breath and paced the length of the kitchen trying to get
her thoughts together. She hadn't planned on getting into this fight with
Josh this particular moment but as long as they had started it, they might as
well finish it.
She glared at Josh until he was basically forced to say something.
"I don't know what the hell is wrong with me." he yelled. "Are you happy
now?" he spit out as he stood up. He started to pace but realized he didn't
have his cane. Somehow walking back to the table to get it just seemed out
of place so he just leaned against the counter.
Donna just shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Why the hell would that make
me happy Joshua?" she yelled right back as she practically threw his cane at
him.
He took it with a look of disgust and for a fleeting moment thought about
just breaking it over his knee. Remembering that the cane was a gift from
Jed and that it probably would only cause him more problems, he stopped his
impulse. Unable to get a coherent phrase out at the moment he settled for
grunting to release some frustration.
"Josh, talk to me. What is wrong?" Donna asked, as plainly and as calmly as
she was capable of sounding at that moment.
He tried to take a calming breath before continuing. "Look Donna, I've been
shot, I've had a stroke, I have a concussion, don't I have a right to be..."
"To be what, nasty, mean. I don't think so." she shot right back.
"Yes... I mean no. Nasty, mean? Is that what you think?" he asked, not
quite believing Donna said those things.
"If the shoe fits Joshua" she smirked.
"Great, just great." he muttered.
"So because you've had all those things happen to you, you think you have the
right to treat those who love you like crap?"
"Donna..." he bellowed.
"No, wait, I'm not done yet. You had those things happen to you. Were they
terrible, of course. Would I wish them on anyone, no."
Josh started to say something but she put up her hand to stop him. He did so
grudgingly.
"But you know what, I was there too. I sat in that waiting room at GW for 14
hours waiting to see if you would live or die. I took that horrible ride
from the farm to the hospital with you 7 months ago. I watched when you
struggled through therapy, when you struggled to eat. I was there when you
wanted to give up. And I was there holding your head while you puked Friday
night. So don't act like you're the only one who's been through hell and
back." yelled Donna. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and added
quietly, "I was there too. Don't forget that."
Josh just stood there silently, waiting to see what would happen next.
"I never meant that things weren't hard for you. I know they were. I know I
wasn't the easiest person to live with."
"Josh, you're not the easiest person to live with on a good day." said Donna.
That line was something she had said many times over the years in a teasing
tone. But today there was no teasing in her voice and it made Josh's blood
run cold and his stomach drop.
He hooked the cane on the stove handle and took a step towards her to gather
her into his arms. But before he could she turned and headed for the front
door, leaving him to stand there, shocked.
Donna realized her exit was both dramatic and given the weather outside, not
very well thought out. She found herself standing out in front of the house
in the snow without a coat. But she stubbornly stayed out there, giving Josh
plenty of time to brood, think, whatever.
Back in the kitchen Josh was leaning over the sink, splashing some water on
his face, trying to clear his head and keep from throwing up. He watched his
hands as they shook. Leaning over with his elbows on the counter he put his
head in his hands and concentrated on his breathing. He eventually calmed
down enough to actually move. He glanced out the kitchen window and saw
Donna out there in the cold, without her coat.
"That's typical." he muttered to himself. "She'll stand out there and freeze
just to make a point."
He headed for the hall closet to grab their coats. Stuffing his feet into
his boots he pulled on his coat and threw hers over his arm. Taking a deep
breath he opened the front door and went out to face his wife.
Donna heard the door open but didn't flinch. Josh held out her coat and she
took it without a word. Stubbornly they stood there, snow and wind whipping
around them. Finally Josh broke the silence.
"I'm scared." he whispered.
And there it was, the root of the problem.
While Josh's tone tore at her heart Donna maintained her stubborn stance,
only motioning with her hand for him to continue.
"Could we at least sit?" he asked.
Donna nodded and followed him to the porch swing. He sat at one end and
Donna sat at the other, as far away from him as she could be.
"Anyway, I'm scared. I admit it."
"OK. That's good. Could you maybe tell me what you're scared of?" asked
Donna with a healthy dose of sarcasm.
Josh ignored her tone and went on.
"I'm scared of not being around to see the kids grow up, I'm scared of not
being able to support my family. I get terrified every time I feel a new
pain, every time I stutter, every time I stumble."
Donna looked at him and moved a few inches closer but still didn't reach out
to him.
"There are days when I fumble through simple things, walking, tying my shoes,
speaking. Days when I just feel like my body is betraying me and there's
nothing I can do about it. And that's terrifying."
The wind whipped down the street and tears sprang to his eyes from both the
cold and the emotion of the moment. He wiped them away roughly with the
sleeve of his coat. Donna scooted closer to him, put her arm around him and
pulled him close.
A few minutes later the boys and Ben came down the street. Ben pulled the
van into the driveway with a huge evergreen on the roof rack.
"Oh no, they got the biggest one they could find." muttered Josh.
Donna kissed his forehead and gave his shoulder a squeeze, "We'll talk
later?"
"Yeah."
"Why don't you go in and order some pizza for dinner. I'll help Ben with the
tree."
"OK." he agreed as he took the cane from Donna.
Two hours later the tree was in the stand in front of the bay window, the
pizza was gone and Josh and the boys were in the family room watching
television. Ben was out on the date that was supposed to have taken place on
Friday night and Donna was putting in a load of laundry.
She wandered in to check on her "boys". She smiled at the sight of the three
of them sprawled out on the couch. Josh was in one corner with Jessie
sitting in his lap and Jake was at the opposite end, his legs stretched out
along side Josh's. They were intently watching some science fiction movie.
"Showers when this is over boys."
"Yeah, Mom." they said together.
Josh turned his head, caught Donna's eye and winked. She smiled and headed
upstairs to get some things ready for the morning.
By 10:00 the boys were asleep. Donna was propped up in bed with a stack of
paperwork, her hair pulled back and her reading glasses perched on her nose.
Josh was restlessly wandering around the house, the tapping of his cane
giving away his every move.
Donna heard him go down the hall towards the kitchen about 10 minutes earlier
and she hadn't heard the tapping since. She got up to see what trouble he
was getting himself into, or more likely what junk food he was trying to
sneak.
Creeping down the hall she found him eating Ben and Jerry's out of the carton
with a soupspoon while sitting on the counter in the kitchen.
"Joshua David, you could at least get a bowl." she smirked from the archway.
The sound of her voice startled Josh and his head shot up. He barely missed
hitting it on the cabinet behind him.
"God Donna, make a little noise next time. I almost gave myself another
concussion." he said with a grin. "I was planning on finishing it, why get a
bowl dirty? You want some?"
"Sure." said Donna as she crossed the room and stood in front of Josh. She
grabbed another spoon out of the drawer and took the carton from him.
They shared the rest of the ice cream and chatted about the week ahead. For
Josh the semester ended with his class on Thursday. The boys had school
until Friday, December 20th. They were planning on spending a quiet
Christmas at home, just the 4 of them. December usually found them flying
off somewhere to spend the holidays with family and friends but this year
they had decided to keep things low-key, just hang around at home. It had
been Donna's idea originally but Josh and the boys had warmed up to it. Now,
given the events of the last few days, Donna wasn't too sure about spending
the whole vacation at home.
With the ice cream finished and the small talk ending Josh reached out and
took Donna's hand. He was still sitting on the counter and she moved to
stand in between his knees. She wrapped her arms around Josh's waist and
slipped her cold hands under his sweatshirt to warm them up.
"Two can play at that game." he teased as he lifted the hem of Donna's shirt
and put his own hands against the warm skin of her back. Planting a kiss on
her forehead he whispered, "So, you wanted to talk some more."
"I did. But now I have a better idea." she said as she pulled back to look
him in the eye. "You recovered enough?" she asked huskily.
"Oh yeah." he grinned as he slid off the counter and grabbed his cane.
When the two of them got to the bedroom and Josh was trying to quickly get
rid of his jeans Donna warned him, "Don't think this is getting you out of
talking all together." she said with a smirk.
TBC
By Ginny K.
See part one for notes and stuff. I just realized I never gave it a rating,
we'll call it PG-13.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Subject-Re:How's it going?
Date-12/15/2013
From:dlyman@a...
To:SNS@s...
It's going....not so well. Been a rough weekend. Physically Josh is doing
ok, lingering headache but that's all from the fall. Emotionally, well
that's another story. Had a mini meltdown on Friday night. He was exhausted
and in pain when we got home from the hospital. Only got about an hour's
worth of sleep before a nightmare. It didn't seem like a particularly bad one
but he didn't come out of it as quickly as he usually does. Which meant I
was starting to panic because of the concussion. Anyway, he wandered out of
the room and I found him sobbing a little while later. Really sobbing. Took
a while to calm him down. Never really said what exactly was wrong and I'm
not sure he knew anyway.
Basically refused to talk about it the next morning. Spent the last day and
a half moping around, snapping at me, Ben, even the boys. It's a regular
pity party around here. And you know what, I'm tired of it. Maybe that's a
terrible thing to say given what Josh has gone through in his life but oh
well.
Not sure I'm looking forward to the semester break. A month of brooding from
Josh doesn't sound very exciting. I'm trying to be supportive and
understanding but his refusal to talk just drives me nuts. It always has and
he knows it.
Any words of wisdom you care to impart would be greatly appreciated. If you
want to try talking to him, be my guest.
I'll keep you updated.
Love,
Donna
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She reread it quickly and sent it just as Josh was starting to wake up.
"Hey, whatcha doing?" he asked as he pushed the afghan back and stretched a
bit.
"Just emailed Sam. He sent a message. Wanted to know how you're doing."
"What did you tell him?"
"The truth." Donna said with a sigh.
"And what is that supposed to mean?" asked Josh flatly.
"Nothing, forget it. Look, are you hungry, you want me to make you something
to eat?"
"Yeah, sure. Grilled cheese?"
"Fine." said Donna as she turned to leave.
Josh got up slowly as she went to the kitchen. He put on his glasses and
checked his own email before heading for the bathroom. By the time he got to
the kitchen Donna was putting his sandwich on a plate.
"You want some iced tea?"
"Yeah, thanks."
Donna leaned against the counter while Josh ate with enthusiasm, something he
hadn't done in a while.
"Finally got your appetite back?"
"Yeah." Josh replied with a grin. "Come sit with me for a minute." he added
motioning to the chair across the table from him.
Donna grabbed some tea for herself and settled down in the chair. Josh
smiled a genuine smile and propped his feet in her lap. That simple gesture
shocked Donna and she smiled as she reached down to rub his feet.
"Josh, can we talk for a minute. I mean really talk?"
"Yeah." whispered Josh.
"Good. Are you ok?"
"Well, my head hurts, the stitches itch and my back is stiff."
"Sorry to hear that but that's not what I was getting at."
"I didn't think so." he muttered as he took another bite of his sandwich.
"What's going on? You've been cranky, moody, and frankly not a whole lot of
fun to be around lately."
"Gee thanks Donna. Just what I wanted to hear from my wife." he said
bitterly as he pushed the plate away from him.
Well, I'm sorry it's not what you wanted to hear Josh." she said as she
pushed his feet off her lap.
His feet hit the floor with a thud and a look of surprise and pain flashed
across his face.
"Owww. What the hell was that for?" he said, his voice and blood pressure
starting to climb.
"Nothing." muttered Donna.
Donna took a deep breath and paced the length of the kitchen trying to get
her thoughts together. She hadn't planned on getting into this fight with
Josh this particular moment but as long as they had started it, they might as
well finish it.
She glared at Josh until he was basically forced to say something.
"I don't know what the hell is wrong with me." he yelled. "Are you happy
now?" he spit out as he stood up. He started to pace but realized he didn't
have his cane. Somehow walking back to the table to get it just seemed out
of place so he just leaned against the counter.
Donna just shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Why the hell would that make
me happy Joshua?" she yelled right back as she practically threw his cane at
him.
He took it with a look of disgust and for a fleeting moment thought about
just breaking it over his knee. Remembering that the cane was a gift from
Jed and that it probably would only cause him more problems, he stopped his
impulse. Unable to get a coherent phrase out at the moment he settled for
grunting to release some frustration.
"Josh, talk to me. What is wrong?" Donna asked, as plainly and as calmly as
she was capable of sounding at that moment.
He tried to take a calming breath before continuing. "Look Donna, I've been
shot, I've had a stroke, I have a concussion, don't I have a right to be..."
"To be what, nasty, mean. I don't think so." she shot right back.
"Yes... I mean no. Nasty, mean? Is that what you think?" he asked, not
quite believing Donna said those things.
"If the shoe fits Joshua" she smirked.
"Great, just great." he muttered.
"So because you've had all those things happen to you, you think you have the
right to treat those who love you like crap?"
"Donna..." he bellowed.
"No, wait, I'm not done yet. You had those things happen to you. Were they
terrible, of course. Would I wish them on anyone, no."
Josh started to say something but she put up her hand to stop him. He did so
grudgingly.
"But you know what, I was there too. I sat in that waiting room at GW for 14
hours waiting to see if you would live or die. I took that horrible ride
from the farm to the hospital with you 7 months ago. I watched when you
struggled through therapy, when you struggled to eat. I was there when you
wanted to give up. And I was there holding your head while you puked Friday
night. So don't act like you're the only one who's been through hell and
back." yelled Donna. She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and added
quietly, "I was there too. Don't forget that."
Josh just stood there silently, waiting to see what would happen next.
"I never meant that things weren't hard for you. I know they were. I know I
wasn't the easiest person to live with."
"Josh, you're not the easiest person to live with on a good day." said Donna.
That line was something she had said many times over the years in a teasing
tone. But today there was no teasing in her voice and it made Josh's blood
run cold and his stomach drop.
He hooked the cane on the stove handle and took a step towards her to gather
her into his arms. But before he could she turned and headed for the front
door, leaving him to stand there, shocked.
Donna realized her exit was both dramatic and given the weather outside, not
very well thought out. She found herself standing out in front of the house
in the snow without a coat. But she stubbornly stayed out there, giving Josh
plenty of time to brood, think, whatever.
Back in the kitchen Josh was leaning over the sink, splashing some water on
his face, trying to clear his head and keep from throwing up. He watched his
hands as they shook. Leaning over with his elbows on the counter he put his
head in his hands and concentrated on his breathing. He eventually calmed
down enough to actually move. He glanced out the kitchen window and saw
Donna out there in the cold, without her coat.
"That's typical." he muttered to himself. "She'll stand out there and freeze
just to make a point."
He headed for the hall closet to grab their coats. Stuffing his feet into
his boots he pulled on his coat and threw hers over his arm. Taking a deep
breath he opened the front door and went out to face his wife.
Donna heard the door open but didn't flinch. Josh held out her coat and she
took it without a word. Stubbornly they stood there, snow and wind whipping
around them. Finally Josh broke the silence.
"I'm scared." he whispered.
And there it was, the root of the problem.
While Josh's tone tore at her heart Donna maintained her stubborn stance,
only motioning with her hand for him to continue.
"Could we at least sit?" he asked.
Donna nodded and followed him to the porch swing. He sat at one end and
Donna sat at the other, as far away from him as she could be.
"Anyway, I'm scared. I admit it."
"OK. That's good. Could you maybe tell me what you're scared of?" asked
Donna with a healthy dose of sarcasm.
Josh ignored her tone and went on.
"I'm scared of not being around to see the kids grow up, I'm scared of not
being able to support my family. I get terrified every time I feel a new
pain, every time I stutter, every time I stumble."
Donna looked at him and moved a few inches closer but still didn't reach out
to him.
"There are days when I fumble through simple things, walking, tying my shoes,
speaking. Days when I just feel like my body is betraying me and there's
nothing I can do about it. And that's terrifying."
The wind whipped down the street and tears sprang to his eyes from both the
cold and the emotion of the moment. He wiped them away roughly with the
sleeve of his coat. Donna scooted closer to him, put her arm around him and
pulled him close.
A few minutes later the boys and Ben came down the street. Ben pulled the
van into the driveway with a huge evergreen on the roof rack.
"Oh no, they got the biggest one they could find." muttered Josh.
Donna kissed his forehead and gave his shoulder a squeeze, "We'll talk
later?"
"Yeah."
"Why don't you go in and order some pizza for dinner. I'll help Ben with the
tree."
"OK." he agreed as he took the cane from Donna.
Two hours later the tree was in the stand in front of the bay window, the
pizza was gone and Josh and the boys were in the family room watching
television. Ben was out on the date that was supposed to have taken place on
Friday night and Donna was putting in a load of laundry.
She wandered in to check on her "boys". She smiled at the sight of the three
of them sprawled out on the couch. Josh was in one corner with Jessie
sitting in his lap and Jake was at the opposite end, his legs stretched out
along side Josh's. They were intently watching some science fiction movie.
"Showers when this is over boys."
"Yeah, Mom." they said together.
Josh turned his head, caught Donna's eye and winked. She smiled and headed
upstairs to get some things ready for the morning.
By 10:00 the boys were asleep. Donna was propped up in bed with a stack of
paperwork, her hair pulled back and her reading glasses perched on her nose.
Josh was restlessly wandering around the house, the tapping of his cane
giving away his every move.
Donna heard him go down the hall towards the kitchen about 10 minutes earlier
and she hadn't heard the tapping since. She got up to see what trouble he
was getting himself into, or more likely what junk food he was trying to
sneak.
Creeping down the hall she found him eating Ben and Jerry's out of the carton
with a soupspoon while sitting on the counter in the kitchen.
"Joshua David, you could at least get a bowl." she smirked from the archway.
The sound of her voice startled Josh and his head shot up. He barely missed
hitting it on the cabinet behind him.
"God Donna, make a little noise next time. I almost gave myself another
concussion." he said with a grin. "I was planning on finishing it, why get a
bowl dirty? You want some?"
"Sure." said Donna as she crossed the room and stood in front of Josh. She
grabbed another spoon out of the drawer and took the carton from him.
They shared the rest of the ice cream and chatted about the week ahead. For
Josh the semester ended with his class on Thursday. The boys had school
until Friday, December 20th. They were planning on spending a quiet
Christmas at home, just the 4 of them. December usually found them flying
off somewhere to spend the holidays with family and friends but this year
they had decided to keep things low-key, just hang around at home. It had
been Donna's idea originally but Josh and the boys had warmed up to it. Now,
given the events of the last few days, Donna wasn't too sure about spending
the whole vacation at home.
With the ice cream finished and the small talk ending Josh reached out and
took Donna's hand. He was still sitting on the counter and she moved to
stand in between his knees. She wrapped her arms around Josh's waist and
slipped her cold hands under his sweatshirt to warm them up.
"Two can play at that game." he teased as he lifted the hem of Donna's shirt
and put his own hands against the warm skin of her back. Planting a kiss on
her forehead he whispered, "So, you wanted to talk some more."
"I did. But now I have a better idea." she said as she pulled back to look
him in the eye. "You recovered enough?" she asked huskily.
"Oh yeah." he grinned as he slid off the counter and grabbed his cane.
When the two of them got to the bedroom and Josh was trying to quickly get
rid of his jeans Donna warned him, "Don't think this is getting you out of
talking all together." she said with a smirk.
TBC