Stumbling Towards Contentment 6/14
By Ginny K.
See part one for notes and stuff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The remaining days until Christmas were hectic but fun. As usual Josh did
most of his shopping at the last minute. He had already gotten a ring for
Donna with the boy's birthstones but still needed a few items.
They went with the boys on Christmas Eve to see the Christmas Tree and, since
the weather had turned much colder, took them to ice skate on the Reflecting
Pool between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument.
Josh obviously wasn't skating so he walked around a while, ending up on a
bench under the Washington Monument, looking out at the White House. A
feeling he had been trying to ignore for the past month or two came to the
surface with almost frightening clarity.
The feeling that he wanted to be doing more. He missed the political life
more than he ever thought he would. When Bartlet's term ended 10 years
earlier he was disillusioned, they all were. He went in to teaching because
it gave him a chance to share what he knew, to share his experiences. And he
loved teaching, more than he thought he ever would. But lately he was
beginning to feel like it just wasn't enough.
That was something he hadn't shared with anyone. He'd barely been able to
admit it to himself. Deep down he knew he couldn't handle his old life. His
body wouldn't make it through the first 18-hour day. Donna wouldn't even let
him get to that first day, he was sure. And that kind of life wouldn't be
fair to the boys, he knew that. But still, the feeling nagged at him.
Josh gave one last glance in the direction of the White House before turning
to walk back down the path towards the Lincoln Memorial. Donna was sitting
and watching the boys when he got back. She had been watching Josh walk back
down the path with an uneasy feeling. It wasn't that he was limping more
than usual or walking slower than usual. It was just that his body language
gave away the fact that he had something big on his mind.
"Looking at the White House again?" she asked as she moved over on the bench
to give him room to sit.
"Yeah." he said flatly.
"You wanna talk about it?"
"No." he replied as he looked at Donna. He saw a look that was probably
relief pass over her face. "Later, ok?"
"Sure. Go get the boys, I'm freezing and we need to get going if we're going
to make it to church on time."
Christmas morning dawned clear and bright with a dusting of new snow. The
boys ran down the stairs and into Josh and Donna's room a little after 7:00.
Josh and Donna were already awake.
"You guys are late." teased Josh as he got up and pulled on his robe.
The boys ran down the hall and ripped into their stockings while Josh poured
himself a glass of juice and put the teakettle on the stove. He settled onto
the couch with Donna and watched as the boys opened their gifts.
Donna loved the ring and the other things Josh had gotten her. She had given
him a new backpack and a few other little things. They didn't usually get
too much for each other at Christmas, focusing instead on the boys. Who got
plenty of stuff from their beloved, "aunts" and "uncles".
They spent a quiet day at home. Margaret came over for dinner and they all
talked to Sam and Leo on the phone. By 8 that night the boys were playing
with their new video games, Josh was out cold on the couch in the living room
and Margaret and Donna were chatting over tea in the kitchen.
"So how's Josh doing? He looks pretty good. A little too skinny, but good."
"Yeah, he still has residual problems off and on with swallowing. He's doing
pretty well. Catching up on his rest since the semester ended. It was
harder on him than he let on. But I just get the feeling he's not happy."
"Depressed?"
"I don't know if that's the right word. I think lost might be a better
description. I know he loves teaching but I think he's looking for something
more. He hasn't said anything yet, but I have a feeling it's going to come
up soon."
"You think he wants to get back into politics?"
"Am I a terrible wife if I said I hope not?" sighed Donna.
"No, not a terrible wife. A worried wife, a realistic wife maybe, but not
terrible."
"Well, I'm certainly not going to bring it up. I'm done dragging things out
of him. He's got another 3 and a half weeks of time off before the next
semester starts. Hopefully he will come to me if he wants to discuss it."
The next few days were laid back and mostly enjoyable. It had snowed more
and the boys were enjoying it. Outwardly Josh was pretty happy but there
were moments when Donna would catch a glance of him when he thought nobody
was looking. He did indeed seem lost.
The night of December 30th Josh and Donna were set to go to a concert at the
Kennedy Center. Margaret had volunteered to have the boys sleep over. She
picked them up in the afternoon, giving Josh and Donna some time alone. They
made the best of their time together by making love and taking a nap.
As they were getting ready Donna could tell Josh was a little out of it.
"Josh, you ok?" she asked when she came out of the shower and found him
sitting on the bed in his boxers and tuxedo shirt just staring into space.
"Huh? Yeah, just a little, I don't...I think I'm just getting a cold or
something." he muttered as he took the pants Donna was holding out for him.
A few minutes later she stood in front of him to tie his bowtie. He was
fidgeting more than usual.
"Josh hold still or I can't get this straight."
"You'd think after all these years you'd be an expert at this." he teased.
She stuck out her tongue at him as she evened out the ends and pulled it
tight. Josh smiled a weary smile and she bent down to plant a kiss on his
forehead. He was a little warm.
"Why don't you take some Tylenol before we go?"
Josh went into the bathroom to get some while Donna finished getting dressed.
They went out to an early dinner and then to the concert.
The concert was good and Josh enjoyed it for the most part. But by the time
it was over he was more than ready to go home. His head was congested and
pounding and his throat sore. He dozed off in the car on the way home.
Waking up just enough he managed to make it inside and collapse on the couch.
Donna hung their coats up and went to check the answering machine.
A few minutes later she woke Josh up enough to drag him down the hall and
help him into a pair of pajamas. He curled up in the bed while she went to
get some juice and the thermometer. She used the ear thermometer on him and
he never stirred.
"Josh, wake up for a minute." she said as she sat down on the bed next to
him.
"Huh?"
"Take these." she said as she held out two Tylenol Sinus tablets and the
juice.
"Kay." he muttered as he sat up a little. "How bad?" he asked, pointing
towards the thermometer as he put the pills into his mouth.
"101.1. Guess it's a good thing we didn't make big plans for New Years Eve."
"Probably." sighed Josh as he curled back up on the bed.
Donna tucked the quilt around him and kissed his forehead. "I'm just going
to turn out the lights and I'll be back in. I love you."
"You too." muttered Josh already half asleep.
It was a long night for both of them. Josh had a bad nightmare around 2 in
the morning that left him shaking and wide-awake. He told Donna to go back
to sleep but there was really no way she was going to leave him up by
himself. Around 3:30 he finally drifted off to sleep, followed instantly by
Donna.
Josh basically spent the next day in bed. Donna went to Margaret's for lunch
and then brought the boys home. She had promised them that if they behaved
they could try and stay up until midnight. With how tired she was, she was
pretty sure that the only ones still up at midnight would be the boys. She
made the boys some hot dogs and fries for dinner and then they went to play
upstairs while she went to check on Josh.
He was in the chair in the corner of the bedroom reading when she got there.
She frowned at the nearly full glass of orange juice that was on the table
beside him.
"Josh you need to drink something." she said as she picked up the glass and
held it out to him.
"It burns my throat." he whined without looking up.
"Then I'll get you something else." said Donna in a tone more suited for her
7 year old than her middle-aged husband. "If you can't eat then you have to
drink. You really don't want a repeat of what happened in October do you?"
Back in October Josh had been having a hard time eating and on top of that
had gotten a nasty cold. The two combined to rob him of his appetite
completely and he ended up spending 24 hours in the hospital on IV fluids
because he wound up dehydrated.
"Not at all."
"Good, now what can I get you to drink?"
"Iced tea. We have any soup?"
"I'm sure we have a can of something. Why don't you go up and see the boys
for a few minutes. They're a little worried about you."
Donna turned to head into the kitchen; waiting to make sure heard the tap of
Josh's cane going up the stairs. He didn't normally spend a whole lot of
times upstairs in the boys' rooms but every once in a while Donna made sure
he went up there. If nothing else to get some exercise on the stairs.
By 11:30 the kids were camped out on the floor in the family room, watching
television still wide-awake. Donna was reading on the couch and Josh was
sound asleep with his head in her lap. He had managed to eat a little soup
and drink 2 bottles of iced tea in the last few hours, which was a relief to
Donna. He was still running a decent fever and was pretty miserable but at
least he wasn't about to become dehydrated.
When the clock struck midnight the boys screamed and all but jumped on top of
Josh when they went to give Donna a kiss. Josh sat up completely disoriented
but quickly focused enough to celebrate with his family. Donna got the boys
settled down in their beds while Josh went to brush his teeth and get ready
for bed himself.
Josh was already in bed when Donna came into the room. She kicked off her
slippers and turned off the light before joining him.
"So, I guess this wasn't one of our better years, huh?" asked Josh as he
rolled over to face Donna.
"Nope, not quite. Let's hope next year's a better one." replied Donna as she
leaned over to kiss him soundly on the cheek.
"Yeah." he murmured as he moved closer Donna and put his head on her
shoulder. She pulled him close and sent up a silent prayer for a better
year.
For the most part the first few days of 2014 were pretty good. The boys went
back to school on the 6th, leaving Josh on his own for the first time in a
long time. Ben wouldn't be back for another few days. Donna was a little
worried when she went back to work but Josh assured her that he could
certainly entertain himself and that he was perfectly able to call a cab if
he needed to go somewhere. He had reading and other things to do to get
ready for the upcoming semester.
And for the first 2 days that's what he did. But since he was teaching the
same classes for the second semester in a row he didn't really have much
planning to do. Then the boredom and uncertainty set in.
Donna picked up on it right away and had already talked to both Sam and Jed
about the worries she had concerning Josh. He still had yet to say anything
about his longing to return to politics. And there was no way she was going
to bring it up.
TBC
By Ginny K.
See part one for notes and stuff.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The remaining days until Christmas were hectic but fun. As usual Josh did
most of his shopping at the last minute. He had already gotten a ring for
Donna with the boy's birthstones but still needed a few items.
They went with the boys on Christmas Eve to see the Christmas Tree and, since
the weather had turned much colder, took them to ice skate on the Reflecting
Pool between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument.
Josh obviously wasn't skating so he walked around a while, ending up on a
bench under the Washington Monument, looking out at the White House. A
feeling he had been trying to ignore for the past month or two came to the
surface with almost frightening clarity.
The feeling that he wanted to be doing more. He missed the political life
more than he ever thought he would. When Bartlet's term ended 10 years
earlier he was disillusioned, they all were. He went in to teaching because
it gave him a chance to share what he knew, to share his experiences. And he
loved teaching, more than he thought he ever would. But lately he was
beginning to feel like it just wasn't enough.
That was something he hadn't shared with anyone. He'd barely been able to
admit it to himself. Deep down he knew he couldn't handle his old life. His
body wouldn't make it through the first 18-hour day. Donna wouldn't even let
him get to that first day, he was sure. And that kind of life wouldn't be
fair to the boys, he knew that. But still, the feeling nagged at him.
Josh gave one last glance in the direction of the White House before turning
to walk back down the path towards the Lincoln Memorial. Donna was sitting
and watching the boys when he got back. She had been watching Josh walk back
down the path with an uneasy feeling. It wasn't that he was limping more
than usual or walking slower than usual. It was just that his body language
gave away the fact that he had something big on his mind.
"Looking at the White House again?" she asked as she moved over on the bench
to give him room to sit.
"Yeah." he said flatly.
"You wanna talk about it?"
"No." he replied as he looked at Donna. He saw a look that was probably
relief pass over her face. "Later, ok?"
"Sure. Go get the boys, I'm freezing and we need to get going if we're going
to make it to church on time."
Christmas morning dawned clear and bright with a dusting of new snow. The
boys ran down the stairs and into Josh and Donna's room a little after 7:00.
Josh and Donna were already awake.
"You guys are late." teased Josh as he got up and pulled on his robe.
The boys ran down the hall and ripped into their stockings while Josh poured
himself a glass of juice and put the teakettle on the stove. He settled onto
the couch with Donna and watched as the boys opened their gifts.
Donna loved the ring and the other things Josh had gotten her. She had given
him a new backpack and a few other little things. They didn't usually get
too much for each other at Christmas, focusing instead on the boys. Who got
plenty of stuff from their beloved, "aunts" and "uncles".
They spent a quiet day at home. Margaret came over for dinner and they all
talked to Sam and Leo on the phone. By 8 that night the boys were playing
with their new video games, Josh was out cold on the couch in the living room
and Margaret and Donna were chatting over tea in the kitchen.
"So how's Josh doing? He looks pretty good. A little too skinny, but good."
"Yeah, he still has residual problems off and on with swallowing. He's doing
pretty well. Catching up on his rest since the semester ended. It was
harder on him than he let on. But I just get the feeling he's not happy."
"Depressed?"
"I don't know if that's the right word. I think lost might be a better
description. I know he loves teaching but I think he's looking for something
more. He hasn't said anything yet, but I have a feeling it's going to come
up soon."
"You think he wants to get back into politics?"
"Am I a terrible wife if I said I hope not?" sighed Donna.
"No, not a terrible wife. A worried wife, a realistic wife maybe, but not
terrible."
"Well, I'm certainly not going to bring it up. I'm done dragging things out
of him. He's got another 3 and a half weeks of time off before the next
semester starts. Hopefully he will come to me if he wants to discuss it."
The next few days were laid back and mostly enjoyable. It had snowed more
and the boys were enjoying it. Outwardly Josh was pretty happy but there
were moments when Donna would catch a glance of him when he thought nobody
was looking. He did indeed seem lost.
The night of December 30th Josh and Donna were set to go to a concert at the
Kennedy Center. Margaret had volunteered to have the boys sleep over. She
picked them up in the afternoon, giving Josh and Donna some time alone. They
made the best of their time together by making love and taking a nap.
As they were getting ready Donna could tell Josh was a little out of it.
"Josh, you ok?" she asked when she came out of the shower and found him
sitting on the bed in his boxers and tuxedo shirt just staring into space.
"Huh? Yeah, just a little, I don't...I think I'm just getting a cold or
something." he muttered as he took the pants Donna was holding out for him.
A few minutes later she stood in front of him to tie his bowtie. He was
fidgeting more than usual.
"Josh hold still or I can't get this straight."
"You'd think after all these years you'd be an expert at this." he teased.
She stuck out her tongue at him as she evened out the ends and pulled it
tight. Josh smiled a weary smile and she bent down to plant a kiss on his
forehead. He was a little warm.
"Why don't you take some Tylenol before we go?"
Josh went into the bathroom to get some while Donna finished getting dressed.
They went out to an early dinner and then to the concert.
The concert was good and Josh enjoyed it for the most part. But by the time
it was over he was more than ready to go home. His head was congested and
pounding and his throat sore. He dozed off in the car on the way home.
Waking up just enough he managed to make it inside and collapse on the couch.
Donna hung their coats up and went to check the answering machine.
A few minutes later she woke Josh up enough to drag him down the hall and
help him into a pair of pajamas. He curled up in the bed while she went to
get some juice and the thermometer. She used the ear thermometer on him and
he never stirred.
"Josh, wake up for a minute." she said as she sat down on the bed next to
him.
"Huh?"
"Take these." she said as she held out two Tylenol Sinus tablets and the
juice.
"Kay." he muttered as he sat up a little. "How bad?" he asked, pointing
towards the thermometer as he put the pills into his mouth.
"101.1. Guess it's a good thing we didn't make big plans for New Years Eve."
"Probably." sighed Josh as he curled back up on the bed.
Donna tucked the quilt around him and kissed his forehead. "I'm just going
to turn out the lights and I'll be back in. I love you."
"You too." muttered Josh already half asleep.
It was a long night for both of them. Josh had a bad nightmare around 2 in
the morning that left him shaking and wide-awake. He told Donna to go back
to sleep but there was really no way she was going to leave him up by
himself. Around 3:30 he finally drifted off to sleep, followed instantly by
Donna.
Josh basically spent the next day in bed. Donna went to Margaret's for lunch
and then brought the boys home. She had promised them that if they behaved
they could try and stay up until midnight. With how tired she was, she was
pretty sure that the only ones still up at midnight would be the boys. She
made the boys some hot dogs and fries for dinner and then they went to play
upstairs while she went to check on Josh.
He was in the chair in the corner of the bedroom reading when she got there.
She frowned at the nearly full glass of orange juice that was on the table
beside him.
"Josh you need to drink something." she said as she picked up the glass and
held it out to him.
"It burns my throat." he whined without looking up.
"Then I'll get you something else." said Donna in a tone more suited for her
7 year old than her middle-aged husband. "If you can't eat then you have to
drink. You really don't want a repeat of what happened in October do you?"
Back in October Josh had been having a hard time eating and on top of that
had gotten a nasty cold. The two combined to rob him of his appetite
completely and he ended up spending 24 hours in the hospital on IV fluids
because he wound up dehydrated.
"Not at all."
"Good, now what can I get you to drink?"
"Iced tea. We have any soup?"
"I'm sure we have a can of something. Why don't you go up and see the boys
for a few minutes. They're a little worried about you."
Donna turned to head into the kitchen; waiting to make sure heard the tap of
Josh's cane going up the stairs. He didn't normally spend a whole lot of
times upstairs in the boys' rooms but every once in a while Donna made sure
he went up there. If nothing else to get some exercise on the stairs.
By 11:30 the kids were camped out on the floor in the family room, watching
television still wide-awake. Donna was reading on the couch and Josh was
sound asleep with his head in her lap. He had managed to eat a little soup
and drink 2 bottles of iced tea in the last few hours, which was a relief to
Donna. He was still running a decent fever and was pretty miserable but at
least he wasn't about to become dehydrated.
When the clock struck midnight the boys screamed and all but jumped on top of
Josh when they went to give Donna a kiss. Josh sat up completely disoriented
but quickly focused enough to celebrate with his family. Donna got the boys
settled down in their beds while Josh went to brush his teeth and get ready
for bed himself.
Josh was already in bed when Donna came into the room. She kicked off her
slippers and turned off the light before joining him.
"So, I guess this wasn't one of our better years, huh?" asked Josh as he
rolled over to face Donna.
"Nope, not quite. Let's hope next year's a better one." replied Donna as she
leaned over to kiss him soundly on the cheek.
"Yeah." he murmured as he moved closer Donna and put his head on her
shoulder. She pulled him close and sent up a silent prayer for a better
year.
For the most part the first few days of 2014 were pretty good. The boys went
back to school on the 6th, leaving Josh on his own for the first time in a
long time. Ben wouldn't be back for another few days. Donna was a little
worried when she went back to work but Josh assured her that he could
certainly entertain himself and that he was perfectly able to call a cab if
he needed to go somewhere. He had reading and other things to do to get
ready for the upcoming semester.
And for the first 2 days that's what he did. But since he was teaching the
same classes for the second semester in a row he didn't really have much
planning to do. Then the boredom and uncertainty set in.
Donna picked up on it right away and had already talked to both Sam and Jed
about the worries she had concerning Josh. He still had yet to say anything
about his longing to return to politics. And there was no way she was going
to bring it up.
TBC