The random ramblings of One Dark Lord, and all-around Evil Bad Guy
The One Journal of Sauron
Dear Journal:
It's not easy being evil. Damn right it's not easy. I mean, evilness is an art that only few (e.g. me) have managed to perfect. Go me.
Being evil isn't easy. Do you actually know how bloody long it took me to get my Supreme-and-Absolutely-Evil-Dark-Lord outfit and look? Its not just throwing together a few scraps of iron and mithril and tah-dah! Evil Bad Guy look. Noooooo. You have to come up with sketch after sketch of outfit designs, and then you have to choose which one is the most evil. Of course, there is always that 87.264850927% chance that your outfit resembles someone else's. For example, my first outfit bore about 20.7629% resemblance to old Voldie's, so the bastard kicked up a big fuss. Hmpff. Some people have no respect for their seniors. Hell, I'm at least 5000 years older then the nancing little ninny.
When I finally manage to conceive a design for an outfit that bore less then 10% resemblance to someone else's, I had to go through all that steroid treatment to get myself all powerful, spiffy-cool and Evil. Not to mention the number of times I had to send the Ringwraiths to and fro from the tailor's in between my steroid treatments, in order to ensure that my outfit remained spiffy-cool and Evil. That was bloody exasperating. Is it MY fault that the damn tailor didn't know how to stitch metals together? Did I have much of a choice in the first place? How many Bad-Guys actually choose to become a tailor? The one I managed to find was a retired orc, who tailored my whole army's clothes. Not that I blame the poor guy of course. When you have an I.Q of -103 (unlike yours truly. My I.Q, apparently, is at 1540, better then Elrond's, Gil-Galad's and Galadriel's put together. Go me!), and 1082500 outfits to sew, it becomes difficult to make sure each one is perfect. It took me about 121 years of nagging to get him to finish it. And after all that trouble, people still complain I look like a walking toaster oven. Fucking Eejits. Well, at least I don't wear a white wedding gown, unlike SOME people. *CoughSarumanhackcough*. He should have read some of my (best-selling) books, "A dummy's guide to becoming evil," and "Sauron: 12 times winner of E.V.I.L magazine's Most Evil Bad Guy award- How I did it." They are pretty useful, if I do say so myself, me having more then 5 millennia of experience as an Evil Bad Guy. Take that, Voldie! And in case you're wondering, E.V.I.L stands for Evil, Vicious and Intellectual Lords. There's also a version for Evil-Bad-Girls, called Evil, Vivacious and Interesting Ladies. To order, call 1800-EVIL-BAD-GUY, at the price of 2 kingdoms or 10, 000 dead good guys per annum, which is a steal.
Enough about that. Back to what we were talking about. ME.
Yes where were we? Ah, moving on to my next point. Acting Evil. It's not just ACTING EVIL, it's acting Evil with style. You can't just be this brainless, lame doinkhead going around blowing up people *coughEmperorPalpatinehackcough*. You have to be smart. You have to have strategy. You have to have style. You have to have poise. Most importantly, you have to be spiffy-cool. Like me. Look at my title. Sauron, Dark Lord of Mordor, 12-time winner of E.V.I.L's Most Evil Bad Guy award, Slayer of Gil-Galad (sort of), Senior to all the other Evil Bad Guys in the Universe (except for Satan. Damn), E.V.I.L 's Most Unique Evil Bad Guy (not every day an Evil Bad Guy is a giant eyeball wreathed in flame) Soon-to-be Ruler of Middle Earth. Hah! My long list of credits. Let's investigate some of the other Not-so-Evil Bad Guy's credits. Darth Vader-Asthmatic Sith Lord. Darth Maul-Horny, mutated version of Bozo the Clown. Voldemort-Doinkhead who got blown up by a kid. Dracula-Ex-playgirl model (it came out in a game of truth or dare, when old Drac had too much liqueur. Snicker) and hickey-giver. See? See? I'm superior by far. Because I act Evil with style, making me spiffy-cool. But it's hard. I can't do one single decent thing. When I eat at every meal, I have to shove my food on the floor and complain in an Evil voice that it takes like that lembas crap elves make. I have to remember to do that at every single meal, even when they serve my favourite meal, Chocolate Pudding. It's torture I tell you, torture. I can't even pick up a piece of rubbish from the floor, rather, I have to create rubbish, and I can't stand the mess. Then comes the Evil Dark Lord walk, which I had to practice for ages. You must swagger, your head up, back straight and make sure your butt doesn't shake like the elves. You must exude confidence, ego…egoisticness? And Evilness. Not to mention spiffy-coolness. Your arms must swing just a little, and you must have a permanent scowl on your face. Not the Elrond-nancy-pancy frown, but an Evil, dark, shadow across your face scowl. Your head must also be tilted at a certain angle so that half of it is covered in shadow. The scowl alone gave me migraines for a couple of hundred years, but no aspirin for me. Apparently, Evil Bad Guy's are too Evil for aspirin. Voice must either be raspy and sinister, or booming, deep and Evil. I went for the booming and deep. I didn't want to damage my voice box. Evil Bad Guy's must also be able to do the Evil Laugh. MUAHAHAHAHA! Complete with thunder, lightning, and rain.
I also have to decorate Mordor in gothic, dark and Evil furniture and wallpaper, making it so dreary. The Gothic look is also so last millennium. I can't get that cool looking lava lamp, or that lovely statue of an Aphrodite that Elrond bought, which would have looked great beside the fish pond I wanted to build. But nooooo. They're all to nancy-pancy. My whole room is just black black black. Can't even have a black sofa, it's too soft, must have stone this, stone that, stone everything.
Yes, and not only that I must also-Oh By Mordor, look at the time! Must dash. I have a Fellowship to kill, Uruk-hai to breed, and a tea party with Saruman, the little nancer. Talk to you later, journal.
Yours in Evilness,
Sauron