The One Journal of the Supremely, Absolute and Ultimate Evil Dark Lord, Sauron (NOT Melkor, and certainly not Voldie)

Dear Sauron's Journal,

This is LORD Voldemort here. Just popping a note to say-SAURON IS A WIMP WHO SHAGS SHORT DWARVES AND IS A PERVY HOBBIT/DAWRF FANCIER!!!! HE ALSO APPLIES MASCARA!! NANCY-PANCY! MOOHAHAHAHAHA! JOIN LORD VOLDEMORT INSTEAD!!!! MOOAHAHAHA!!

The REAL Dark Lord,

Voldemort

Dear One Journal,

YARGHH! How did that whiny little brat access my journal? HOW? HOW? Knew that should have had ten thousand Orcs guarding One Journal, instead of five thousand. On bright side though, old Voldie cannot do evil laugh to save Celebrimbor's life. Moohaha my arse. It's MWUAHAHAHA, you bloody eejit. MWUAHAHAHA! Still remember how he was pestering me with Palantír-calls in Second Age. "Teacher Sauron, do I look evil enough?" "Oh Great Sauron, teach your humble servant Voldemort, please!"  And I'm not the one who dragged some stupid red headed Weasly girl down to some stupid chamber just so I could shag her. Honestly, how dumb and un-spiffy-cool can Voldie get?

Yes, anyway, back to ME.

Lalala…eh? Oh yes. Had rather interesting day today, involving peeking in on Galadriel taking a bath. Heh. Heheheh. Of course, those fluffy pillows she has at her place are to DIE for, and that fountain? Mmm-mm. Wait. Must stop. I am an Evil Dark Lord, no, make that THE Dark Lord, I cannot and will not succumb to the horrors of effeminate fountains and fluffy pillows. The Uruk-hai breeding is not going particularly well, especially since Saruman keeps whining about how they look so…slimy. Had to resist the very strong urge to thwack him. They're SUPPOSED to be slimy! That's the whole POINT! Its part of my master plan to stop the Fellowship. See, the Uruk-hai are so slimy that the elf-person will be too afraid to fight them. Ah yes, I can just imagine it…

Aragorn: Orcs!

*Enter Uruk-hai*

Boromir: Come, my brothers! For Gondor! CHARGE!

Frodo: For the Shire!

Merry: For Mushrooms!

Pippin: For Ale!

Sam: For Rosie!

Gimli: For Mithril!

Gandalf: For Pipe-weed!

Aragorn: For Arwen!

*Aragorn pauses in mid-charge*

Aragorn: Legolas? Why aren't you charging?

Legolas: Ai, Ai! There is some fell slime on those Orcs! That icky stuff will damage my sleek and shiny mane of fair and lusciously golden hair! Nay, I will not fight! I will sit here, braid my hair and look pretty while you brave warriors continue with your onslaught of those…icky, dirty things…ladeeda, I'm so pretty…

MWUAHAHAHA! MWUAHAHAHA! MWUAHAHAHAHA!

 Wait…you know, I bloody well can't figure out if that elf is a he or she…hmm… I think it's a she. Shelob popped by and we discussed some very serious issues over some Bloody Beleg, Evil Elixir and Shire Swing Cocktails, such as why black is called black and how come the "good guys" are so un-spiffy-cool and boring.  Seems that dear old Shelob is still gloating from her little tussle with Little Miss Muffet. Shelob's a really spiffy-cool Minister of Modorian Affairs. Keeps the Orc population in check. Orcs may not taste as good as curds and whey, but we can't be too picky now, can we? Plus, we came up with new nicknames for Celeborn and Elrond—CelePORN and ElROMP. MWUAHAHAHA! Speaking of which, I have a bone to pick with Elromp *snicker*. Am I so lowly in bloody Elromp's eyes? Really, all he sends is nine puny, measly, nancing brats to destroy me. ME! The Dark Lord! The Supremely Evil Bad Guy. Elrond's either being damn cocky or damn stupid. I'm going with stupid. I don't think much of elves, much less one who couldn't even keep his wife in Middle-earth (bet Celebrían used that whole "Orcs Tormented Me!" excuse JUST to get away from him). With the exception of that Galadriel, though how she ended up with a loser like Celeborn I'll never know. I think that the dwarf in the Fellowship may be the only decent fellow there. Let's see, when you have four useless hobbits, one even more useless elf, one wizard whom I strongly suspect is high on pipe-weed and two extremely unhygienic men, you'd have to admire the dwarf for tolerating such a motley crew. Plus, he's the only being in Middle-earth who can braid his hair without looking girly. Can't get much better than that, can you?

Ah, Gimli, Gimli, Gimli, you manly (dwarfly?) thing, you!

Overall, it was a pretty all right day, I'm starting to get used to the whole Gothic and Dark décor in Mordor, even if I think its absolutely blasé. But taking the form of a lidless eye is not particularly enjoyable, because no eyelid means cannot close eye, which means CANNOT SLEEP. I have to constantly apply Sauron's Secret Strawberry Eye Cream in secret. But on the other hand, it is good publicity, sparking off the whole "Evil Does Not Sleep" Campaign of Fear. The Ringwraiths have returned unsuccessfully, all sopping wet, horses gone, armor rusty, and Angmar has submitted a petition for them to take Wednesdays off. Wanted to kill him, unfortunately, remembered that he's neither living nor dead. EVIL DOES NOT TAKE OFF-DAYS! The same way that Evil cannot sleep, evil cannot take holidays. Can you imagine what would happen if I let them have their way? Soon there'll be sightings of Nazgûl on the Gulf of Lhûn, sipping fruit punch, munching lembas and sun tanning in tacky flower-print shirts. They can do that AFTER we conquer Middle-earth, not before, damn them. Sheesh, the problems a Dark Lord has to put up with, all for the sake of getting back my One Ring. I miss it, my precious, my love…yesss…eh? Oh…heh heh…err-uhm. Must go now, as have spent too much time writing here, will give you an update soon, One Journal.

Yours in spiffy-coolness,

Sauron

Deer MAsTUR'S Gernal,

Dis iz Grishnákh DE ORC hear. Nut surposed to bee writing hear, bt i is juzt oneting too say dat MAsTUR Sauron BEE a grate Dark Lard, an Alrond BE a steenky doo doo. KeLABARN IZ ALSO BE A STEENKY STOOPID HED. WE HART HIM! N MY SIZTAR, GrishnákhA, HAZ THING TOO SAY:

DEER MASTUR SAURON…I LUV U, MARY MI! – GrishnákhA, ZIsTeR OF Grishnákh.

Dear One Journal:

This is Sauron. Oh Dear Eru. That's the last time I'm EVER keeping a Journal. I'm going to toss you out of the window now. Bye! MWUAHAHA!

Dear Pretty-looking Journal:

My name is Galadriel, and you just happened to land on my head while I was strolling around the Golden Woods in all my Elven glory. I still think I'm prettier than Celeborn, despite what he says. Why I married a loser like him, I'll never know. I wonder who you belong to, Journal, but your former owner has good taste, since you are all decked out in lace and Pink, fluffy material. And that butterfly bookmark? Lovely, absolutely charming. And your former owner seems to have written to you in pink and purple colored ink. My, my, aren't you pretty. Maybe your owner is a she-dwarf, as she seems to have surrounded the name "Gimli" with pink hearts. I suppose it wouldn't hurt if I just had a peek at what your former owner wrote would it? Hm…let's see…