One Last Breath
~By: Lauren~
D A N C E O F S O R R O W & D R E A M S
Meimi was alone. She was surrounded by an eerie black void as she floated. She was stretched out, as she seemed to spin ever so slowly. The blackness felt cold against her skin and it made her shiver every time. She was clad in a long, lacy black dress that clashed with her brilliant red hair. She glanced around, twisting her neck, as a voice seemed to speak out to her, to call her. It was her own voice but it wasn't talking to her directly. It was as if her heart was speaking out, demanding for Meimi to listen to its true feelings, to accept what was going on and to take on the hurt headfirst. At first it was a mere whisper but as it grew, she felt the warmth and pain of the words filled her every being, their truth burning a deep scar into her soul forever. She tried to cover her ears; to make it stop but it would not cease. She had not listened before and her heart was not about to let her again lock herself away from the reality of her situation anymore. Her heart would make her listen no matter what.
And so Meimi did the only thing possible. She lowered her hands as she wrapped them around her legs and pulled them to her chest. She bit her lip as she ruefully listened to her own words. She listened and at the same time she seemed to speak them out load. "I am alone. No one is here. No one cares. I am alone. I wish my life were perfect. Or maybe I'd just wish for my family and friends back. No, I can't have them back. I slaughtered my family and abandoned my friends as they rejected me. I am alone. Only in dreams could I have such a perfect life. People, who cared and loved me, now turn their backs...and I turn mine to theirs. Darkness is what I know now." She paused as she waited for icy tears to drip down her cheeks but no matter how much she wanted to release the tiny water droplets, they would not come. She kept speaking. "Do I really have a heart of stone? Why can't I be loved? I withdraw from the world. Just me in the corner. Thinking, dreading, fearing the next day. I could end it all...make it all go away...but a voice inside me yells for me to stop, holding back any actions. No. I'm too afraid to do such a deed. As horrible as I think my life is, there is something holding me back. Something that stops me every time I try. A light. A light of hope. Hope that I will be able to overcome this pain and sorrow. A hope to confront my friends and myself. A hope for the future." Thoughts of her new friends passed through her minds and for a brief moment, she smiled. Then images of her old friends brought the glimmer of happiness to an abrupt halt. "If I really did die, would anyone care? Maybe they'd simply laugh and spit on my grave. They'd forget about me within a week if they haven't already. Again, I'll be alone, under the cold earth. Just like my heart. Forever buried. Hopefully then I will be at peace. Away from my hurt and pain. I am alone." Her trembling arms gripped her legs tighter. "My soul is dry and can no longer cry. Let me be free. I cannot stand this horrible human body. Let me restart and begin again. No more lies. No more fights. No more terrible deeds. No more broken hearts. No more pain. No more sorrow. I cry out for freedom. Free from this horrible place...this world. Am I really a horrible person? Can I really snuff out my life?" She coward at her own thoughts and her words echoed around her and then...she felt a bit stronger. "No. Someone needs me. I may not know who or what. But I have a purpose. A meaning. For now, I will continue to hide my emotions. I will continue to crawl beneath the shell I have created. No one must know my true feelings. My smile is forever empty..."
Her vision blurred then slowly cleared as Meimi stared upward, looking at a pale pink ceiling. Shivers crept down her spine as the recent dream faded into the dark corners of her mind. "W-where am I?" She murmured, not knowing if anyone was in the room. At first she was afraid. Afraid she was captured, that Asuka Jr. had found her and she was in some strange house. In a sense, when Meimi left and stopped being Saint Tail, Asuka Jr. had changed. He wasn't chasing after the famous and mysterious thief that had been his object of desire for quite some time. He now was chasing after Meimi. That thought warmed her heart for a brief moment but it was quickly shot away as the red head's eyes clouded with tears. She had no right to think about Asuka Jr. He wasn't a part of her life anymore. He was now gone. Forever. He was a lost memory, just like her parents were. She had to erase him, erase him from her mind and her heart no matter how painful the process. Another reason she couldn't look herself in the eyes. She felt she had no soul left for all she had done. "I'm a murder and a coward. That's what I truly am." She thought to herself. But maybe, maybe she wasn't those two things. Maybe she was just a lost, fragile soul but at that moment, Meimi couldn't see that. She only saw pain, anger, hate and sadness. That was all she felt and all she was, nothing more.
"You're at Georgia's house. She's a good friend of ours." A voice answered Meimi's question.
Meimi turned her head, ignoring the slightly fading headache to come face to face with Tammy.
The chocolate haired girl leaned in closer, examining Meimi with worried eyes. "I need to talk to you." She quietly stated.
Meimi ignored what she said for she was still slightly confused. She remembered the old woman and someone carrying her but that was about it. Besides the dreams. "How long have I been asleep?" She perused.
"About a day but you'll be as good as new in a bit." Tammy replied but before Meimi could even open her mouth to speak, she continued. "I need to talk to you about your outburst a few days ago."
Meimi nodded, knowing when Tammy wanted to speak about something she would keep at it until she got an honest answer. "What about it?"
Tammy's eyes seemed to fill with a strange understanding, a maturity, but hidden behind it was a shadow of grief. She glanced away for a second, her gaze seemingly lost before she returned her attention to the timid girl that lay before her. She opened her mouth; obviously searching for words that wouldn't come.
"Well, what is it?" Meimi spoke up, her stomach growling for food. She wanted to get out of that room, to avoid whatever was coming at her faster than a speeding train.
"Meimi..." Tammy murmured her name so softly she had to strain to hear. "You can't lock yourself up in this never ending dance of sorrow. If you get caught up in this sadness you'll never escape, you have to keep a grip onto reality and truth. Don't let go or you might be lost forever. We know what you're going through all too well but it'll be ok. You can't lose yourself to despair and misery. There's too much in life to enjoy. You can't just let yourself fade away." She paused for a moment as if she was in deep thought. "...Sometimes people get so caught up in their own problems, in their own sad world that they don't notice the people around them. They don't notice other's sorrow, other's pain, other's problems that are sometimes worse than their own. They only see their own problems in front of them and they don't realize how lucky they are for certain things even if times are hard. It's selfish. Times are always hard somewhere but after a while it might just lighten up. It makes you stronger. The people just end up hurting the ones left that care for them. If you believe, one day the sadness will just vanish and you won't even realize it. No one has to go through that aching pain alone. We all understand what it's like. Look around you. People care for you." Tammy stopped, biting her lip so hard she tasted coppery blood in her mouth.
Meimi froze, taking in all the words Tammy had spoken. It felt like a slap in the face, not a contemplated callous slap but a slap of realization and understanding. What Tammy spoke of...it was true in its own way. For a fleeing minute the two girls sat in a placid silence. Then Meimi said. "I think I get what you're saying Tams. I-It's j-just that lately...I've just wanted to dissolve away from everything...to disappear but then I think...if I left things would be the same. It would always be the same, whether I left or stayed. Things wouldn't change."
"You don't know that. Maybe when you left you home...things changed and you just didn't see it because you weren't there. You never know." Tammy finished as she rubbed her hands nervously on her jeans. Standing up, she walked towards the door and then stopped under the pale pink doorframe. "When you're ready we've got food downstairs to eat and the bathroom is two doors down to your right." And with that, she shut the door.
Meimi rolled her head back and forth while she attempted the clear her mind. Slowly she got out of bed and discovered she was clad in a pair of pink cotton pants and shirt. They were pajamas. She proceeded to enter the kitchen.
"And so sleeping beauty awakens." Aaron chuckled, giving Meimi a smile as he snacked on some cereal.
She shot him a glare before chuckling softly. Meimi picked up a box of Fruit Loops and began to munch on the dry cereal, savoring the taste she had not experienced in what seemed like years. The red head surveyed the area around her. The kitchen was tiny and quaint for an old woman and it was painted white with cream colored shutters on the windows. There was a plain oak table where Aaron sat eating, a magazine on science opened in front of him. Marie was in the next chair peeling an orange. She had headphones on and the lyrics that she sung indicated she was listening to her favorite CD; Avril Lavigne. Meimi couldn't help but muffle back a laugh at the girl's off-key singing. She could hear someone moving around upstairs and from the heaviness of the footsteps she assumed it was Tony. There was an open doorway that led to a living room which contained a couch, a coffee table and a TV along with thousands upon thousands of old pictures, records and other various nick-knacks. Quiet voices were coming from the room. Meimi puckered out her lower lip as she plopped down on one of the large chairs that encircled the wooden table.
Aaron was too engrossed in his magazine and Marie in her music to speak to her. As she chewed on the multi-colored food she leaned back, listening to the voices. She knew it was rude to listen to other people's conversations but...well, she was bored. Of course, that didn't justify her actions but did Meimi care at this moment? No.
It was Tammy speaking to Georgia.
"So what do you plan to do next my dear?" That was Georgia. Meimi reminded herself to thank the kind woman later.
"I truly don't know." Tammy sighed, letting out her breath.
"You should make a future for yourself. All this running around, it's not good for a child. You know any of you five can stay at my house and live here." Meimi smiled at Georgia's words. She had included Meimi.
"I know and I appreciate it but...I just don't think it's time. I wouldn't feel right settling down in a town." Tammy again sounded lost.
"I know it's hard and no one ever said life was easy. God never gives you anything you can't handle so hang in their Tams. But...don't you have a dream?" The gentleness in Georgia's voice almost brought tears to Meimi's eyes. Yes...once Meimi had had a dream. To her, a foolish dream. A dream that had been shattered with the car glass that tragic night. She dreamt of her family living happily and there was a man by her side. A man with dark hair, gentle loving eyes for her and only her. And how he stared at her with so much affection, so much tenderness it made her feel giddy inside. But that man was gone with the wind. Lost forever, never to enter her memory again. He only stared at her with hateful, regretful, sympathetic and pathetic eyes. Meimi broke off her thoughts to hear Tammy's reply.
"Yes Georgia...I do have a dream. I want to find a place to live, a place where we'll all he accepted for who we are. No one will question our past. We're just there with all of them as who we are. All five of us will live in a large white house with a little picket fence and a lush green yard filled with various colorful flowers. There'll be a beautiful cherry tree looming outside the back with a homemade wooden swing and we'll all live there together happily. No more running, no more hiding, no more junkyards or pain. Just us and our lives together...as a family. Not a messed up family...a joyful family. Sure there'll be times we will disagree or not get along but we'll work through it. We'll talk it out and things will be ok. I can just see Aaron running off to school...he should be in school...he's so smart. Marie in school, funny to think about but it would be good for her. She needs more friends her age. I'd like to see Meimi finally happy too, poor girl. She could attend school with Marie and gain more friends...forget her pain...maybe even get a boyfriend. And then....then there'd be Tony. He'll go off to college and make something out of himself." She blushed at his name.
"A beautiful dream and...what about you? Where do you fit in with this elaborate plan?" Georgia whispered, causing Meimi to strain to hear.
Tammy shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'll stay at home and take care of the house. Maybe I'll go to high school again or get a job. I want to have a family one day...a child of my own to raise rightly but not for many more years. I just want things...to be right. I want us to be happy and together. I want us to be the family none of us ever had."
Meimi turned her head away, feeling guilty for listening to such a private conversation. She tried to hide the tears that brimmed her eyes and ...for once she wasn't crying because she was sad. She was crying because she wanted that dream also. She wanted to work for that future. She had a purpose...a meaning...a goal...and...a dream.
~*~
Please come now I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe
~By: Lauren~
D A N C E O F S O R R O W & D R E A M S
Meimi was alone. She was surrounded by an eerie black void as she floated. She was stretched out, as she seemed to spin ever so slowly. The blackness felt cold against her skin and it made her shiver every time. She was clad in a long, lacy black dress that clashed with her brilliant red hair. She glanced around, twisting her neck, as a voice seemed to speak out to her, to call her. It was her own voice but it wasn't talking to her directly. It was as if her heart was speaking out, demanding for Meimi to listen to its true feelings, to accept what was going on and to take on the hurt headfirst. At first it was a mere whisper but as it grew, she felt the warmth and pain of the words filled her every being, their truth burning a deep scar into her soul forever. She tried to cover her ears; to make it stop but it would not cease. She had not listened before and her heart was not about to let her again lock herself away from the reality of her situation anymore. Her heart would make her listen no matter what.
And so Meimi did the only thing possible. She lowered her hands as she wrapped them around her legs and pulled them to her chest. She bit her lip as she ruefully listened to her own words. She listened and at the same time she seemed to speak them out load. "I am alone. No one is here. No one cares. I am alone. I wish my life were perfect. Or maybe I'd just wish for my family and friends back. No, I can't have them back. I slaughtered my family and abandoned my friends as they rejected me. I am alone. Only in dreams could I have such a perfect life. People, who cared and loved me, now turn their backs...and I turn mine to theirs. Darkness is what I know now." She paused as she waited for icy tears to drip down her cheeks but no matter how much she wanted to release the tiny water droplets, they would not come. She kept speaking. "Do I really have a heart of stone? Why can't I be loved? I withdraw from the world. Just me in the corner. Thinking, dreading, fearing the next day. I could end it all...make it all go away...but a voice inside me yells for me to stop, holding back any actions. No. I'm too afraid to do such a deed. As horrible as I think my life is, there is something holding me back. Something that stops me every time I try. A light. A light of hope. Hope that I will be able to overcome this pain and sorrow. A hope to confront my friends and myself. A hope for the future." Thoughts of her new friends passed through her minds and for a brief moment, she smiled. Then images of her old friends brought the glimmer of happiness to an abrupt halt. "If I really did die, would anyone care? Maybe they'd simply laugh and spit on my grave. They'd forget about me within a week if they haven't already. Again, I'll be alone, under the cold earth. Just like my heart. Forever buried. Hopefully then I will be at peace. Away from my hurt and pain. I am alone." Her trembling arms gripped her legs tighter. "My soul is dry and can no longer cry. Let me be free. I cannot stand this horrible human body. Let me restart and begin again. No more lies. No more fights. No more terrible deeds. No more broken hearts. No more pain. No more sorrow. I cry out for freedom. Free from this horrible place...this world. Am I really a horrible person? Can I really snuff out my life?" She coward at her own thoughts and her words echoed around her and then...she felt a bit stronger. "No. Someone needs me. I may not know who or what. But I have a purpose. A meaning. For now, I will continue to hide my emotions. I will continue to crawl beneath the shell I have created. No one must know my true feelings. My smile is forever empty..."
Her vision blurred then slowly cleared as Meimi stared upward, looking at a pale pink ceiling. Shivers crept down her spine as the recent dream faded into the dark corners of her mind. "W-where am I?" She murmured, not knowing if anyone was in the room. At first she was afraid. Afraid she was captured, that Asuka Jr. had found her and she was in some strange house. In a sense, when Meimi left and stopped being Saint Tail, Asuka Jr. had changed. He wasn't chasing after the famous and mysterious thief that had been his object of desire for quite some time. He now was chasing after Meimi. That thought warmed her heart for a brief moment but it was quickly shot away as the red head's eyes clouded with tears. She had no right to think about Asuka Jr. He wasn't a part of her life anymore. He was now gone. Forever. He was a lost memory, just like her parents were. She had to erase him, erase him from her mind and her heart no matter how painful the process. Another reason she couldn't look herself in the eyes. She felt she had no soul left for all she had done. "I'm a murder and a coward. That's what I truly am." She thought to herself. But maybe, maybe she wasn't those two things. Maybe she was just a lost, fragile soul but at that moment, Meimi couldn't see that. She only saw pain, anger, hate and sadness. That was all she felt and all she was, nothing more.
"You're at Georgia's house. She's a good friend of ours." A voice answered Meimi's question.
Meimi turned her head, ignoring the slightly fading headache to come face to face with Tammy.
The chocolate haired girl leaned in closer, examining Meimi with worried eyes. "I need to talk to you." She quietly stated.
Meimi ignored what she said for she was still slightly confused. She remembered the old woman and someone carrying her but that was about it. Besides the dreams. "How long have I been asleep?" She perused.
"About a day but you'll be as good as new in a bit." Tammy replied but before Meimi could even open her mouth to speak, she continued. "I need to talk to you about your outburst a few days ago."
Meimi nodded, knowing when Tammy wanted to speak about something she would keep at it until she got an honest answer. "What about it?"
Tammy's eyes seemed to fill with a strange understanding, a maturity, but hidden behind it was a shadow of grief. She glanced away for a second, her gaze seemingly lost before she returned her attention to the timid girl that lay before her. She opened her mouth; obviously searching for words that wouldn't come.
"Well, what is it?" Meimi spoke up, her stomach growling for food. She wanted to get out of that room, to avoid whatever was coming at her faster than a speeding train.
"Meimi..." Tammy murmured her name so softly she had to strain to hear. "You can't lock yourself up in this never ending dance of sorrow. If you get caught up in this sadness you'll never escape, you have to keep a grip onto reality and truth. Don't let go or you might be lost forever. We know what you're going through all too well but it'll be ok. You can't lose yourself to despair and misery. There's too much in life to enjoy. You can't just let yourself fade away." She paused for a moment as if she was in deep thought. "...Sometimes people get so caught up in their own problems, in their own sad world that they don't notice the people around them. They don't notice other's sorrow, other's pain, other's problems that are sometimes worse than their own. They only see their own problems in front of them and they don't realize how lucky they are for certain things even if times are hard. It's selfish. Times are always hard somewhere but after a while it might just lighten up. It makes you stronger. The people just end up hurting the ones left that care for them. If you believe, one day the sadness will just vanish and you won't even realize it. No one has to go through that aching pain alone. We all understand what it's like. Look around you. People care for you." Tammy stopped, biting her lip so hard she tasted coppery blood in her mouth.
Meimi froze, taking in all the words Tammy had spoken. It felt like a slap in the face, not a contemplated callous slap but a slap of realization and understanding. What Tammy spoke of...it was true in its own way. For a fleeing minute the two girls sat in a placid silence. Then Meimi said. "I think I get what you're saying Tams. I-It's j-just that lately...I've just wanted to dissolve away from everything...to disappear but then I think...if I left things would be the same. It would always be the same, whether I left or stayed. Things wouldn't change."
"You don't know that. Maybe when you left you home...things changed and you just didn't see it because you weren't there. You never know." Tammy finished as she rubbed her hands nervously on her jeans. Standing up, she walked towards the door and then stopped under the pale pink doorframe. "When you're ready we've got food downstairs to eat and the bathroom is two doors down to your right." And with that, she shut the door.
Meimi rolled her head back and forth while she attempted the clear her mind. Slowly she got out of bed and discovered she was clad in a pair of pink cotton pants and shirt. They were pajamas. She proceeded to enter the kitchen.
"And so sleeping beauty awakens." Aaron chuckled, giving Meimi a smile as he snacked on some cereal.
She shot him a glare before chuckling softly. Meimi picked up a box of Fruit Loops and began to munch on the dry cereal, savoring the taste she had not experienced in what seemed like years. The red head surveyed the area around her. The kitchen was tiny and quaint for an old woman and it was painted white with cream colored shutters on the windows. There was a plain oak table where Aaron sat eating, a magazine on science opened in front of him. Marie was in the next chair peeling an orange. She had headphones on and the lyrics that she sung indicated she was listening to her favorite CD; Avril Lavigne. Meimi couldn't help but muffle back a laugh at the girl's off-key singing. She could hear someone moving around upstairs and from the heaviness of the footsteps she assumed it was Tony. There was an open doorway that led to a living room which contained a couch, a coffee table and a TV along with thousands upon thousands of old pictures, records and other various nick-knacks. Quiet voices were coming from the room. Meimi puckered out her lower lip as she plopped down on one of the large chairs that encircled the wooden table.
Aaron was too engrossed in his magazine and Marie in her music to speak to her. As she chewed on the multi-colored food she leaned back, listening to the voices. She knew it was rude to listen to other people's conversations but...well, she was bored. Of course, that didn't justify her actions but did Meimi care at this moment? No.
It was Tammy speaking to Georgia.
"So what do you plan to do next my dear?" That was Georgia. Meimi reminded herself to thank the kind woman later.
"I truly don't know." Tammy sighed, letting out her breath.
"You should make a future for yourself. All this running around, it's not good for a child. You know any of you five can stay at my house and live here." Meimi smiled at Georgia's words. She had included Meimi.
"I know and I appreciate it but...I just don't think it's time. I wouldn't feel right settling down in a town." Tammy again sounded lost.
"I know it's hard and no one ever said life was easy. God never gives you anything you can't handle so hang in their Tams. But...don't you have a dream?" The gentleness in Georgia's voice almost brought tears to Meimi's eyes. Yes...once Meimi had had a dream. To her, a foolish dream. A dream that had been shattered with the car glass that tragic night. She dreamt of her family living happily and there was a man by her side. A man with dark hair, gentle loving eyes for her and only her. And how he stared at her with so much affection, so much tenderness it made her feel giddy inside. But that man was gone with the wind. Lost forever, never to enter her memory again. He only stared at her with hateful, regretful, sympathetic and pathetic eyes. Meimi broke off her thoughts to hear Tammy's reply.
"Yes Georgia...I do have a dream. I want to find a place to live, a place where we'll all he accepted for who we are. No one will question our past. We're just there with all of them as who we are. All five of us will live in a large white house with a little picket fence and a lush green yard filled with various colorful flowers. There'll be a beautiful cherry tree looming outside the back with a homemade wooden swing and we'll all live there together happily. No more running, no more hiding, no more junkyards or pain. Just us and our lives together...as a family. Not a messed up family...a joyful family. Sure there'll be times we will disagree or not get along but we'll work through it. We'll talk it out and things will be ok. I can just see Aaron running off to school...he should be in school...he's so smart. Marie in school, funny to think about but it would be good for her. She needs more friends her age. I'd like to see Meimi finally happy too, poor girl. She could attend school with Marie and gain more friends...forget her pain...maybe even get a boyfriend. And then....then there'd be Tony. He'll go off to college and make something out of himself." She blushed at his name.
"A beautiful dream and...what about you? Where do you fit in with this elaborate plan?" Georgia whispered, causing Meimi to strain to hear.
Tammy shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'll stay at home and take care of the house. Maybe I'll go to high school again or get a job. I want to have a family one day...a child of my own to raise rightly but not for many more years. I just want things...to be right. I want us to be happy and together. I want us to be the family none of us ever had."
Meimi turned her head away, feeling guilty for listening to such a private conversation. She tried to hide the tears that brimmed her eyes and ...for once she wasn't crying because she was sad. She was crying because she wanted that dream also. She wanted to work for that future. She had a purpose...a meaning...a goal...and...a dream.
~*~
Please come now I think I'm falling
Holding on to all I think is safe