Hey again everyone! Sorry I took ages to post this up. Thanks alot to my reviewers: nat, Sailor Twilight Assasin, kandra, Amethyst Sin, Anon, fiReyLighT, Sansele (ahh cute idea! might try it out!), Aftertaste of a Razorblade and HpFre4k.Your comments are all greatly appreciated! Well, enjoy the story!

Disclaimer: All characters belong to JK Rowling except Idiot.

**Progress in Potter Plan**

Gel: Full
Homework: 1/3 (not bad)
Appearance: looking good
Evil deeds done today: 3
Progress in Potter-Plan (PPP): Making headway

Ha. Haha. Hahahaha!

Sheesh will you stop starting entries this way?

Well if I can't gloat in my own diaries where can I?

Well its not my fault Crabbe and Goyle are too thick to understand they're supposed to feed your bloated ego. But at least Pansy 'Nancy' Parkinson knows how to.

Oh, you know something, Idiot?

I know a lot of things. And don't call me that!

At Hogsmeade, I saw this really cool quill ink. I think I might buy to write in here.

Really? I must admit I'm getting a bit bored of this black ink you keep using. What colour?

Oh, that's not important. The thing about that sets it apart from others, and makes it the perfect ink to write to you, is its scent.

Scent? What scent?

Barf scent.

WHAT? Ink tasting of vomit?

Especially for annoying talking diaries.

Okay OKAY! I get the drift.

Gut - this is German, by the way.

Eh. How multi-mono-lingual.

I'm going to Hogsmeade now...

Alright! Hmmph, I regret ever telling you the secret path to Hogsmeade.

Haha. Oh yes, that reminds me. Guess why I'm so happy?

New bottle of hair gel?

No. I am not that shallow!

Oh come on, admit it.

Alright, its true I was raher please with the quality of the new hair gel Dad got me.

Like how?

Er...

Gel-like?

Well...yes.

Huh. Apt description I see.

A little easy on the sarcasm please, or you're going to use it all up. Not that that's such a bad thing.

Sorry, diaries get a boundless supply of any three traits they want. Sorta like three wishes.

Sigh. Poor me. So I see sarcasm must be one. The other two?

Actually its cynicism, though I suspect the Master secretly feeds me sarcasm when he's out of cynicism. Actually I pumped for humour, but the Master said there were too many funny diaries circulating already.

Aww then I must be the unlucky minority stuck with black-humoured diaries. Who's the master?

Sorry, privileged information.

Well fine, act all snooty. So what are your other two qualities? If you could call them qualities, I suppose.

Cynicism.

Yes you told me that already.

Intelligence.

I wonder what the Master swapped your intelligence wish for.

Hey!

Okay I shan't insult you. So whats the last?

Ahem.

What?

Motherly concern.

What? I've been talking to a GIRL all this time?

Please, I'm not a transvestite. Strictly testosterone.

Then...

Master forced it onto me. Said that all diary-writers needed a second conscience. Something like that.

Ugh. I never want to see that quality manifested.

Hmmph. My maternal side is deeply offended. You don't think I'm loving and caring?

Oh, totally.

Fine! I'll show you! Tell me what you're so bloody overjoyed about.

I'm touched by your concern.

Go. On.

What's with the full stops?

Major. Effort. To. Curb. Tongue. Gasp. Talk!

You don't have a tongue.

Quick. TALK.

Er okay...You know your newfound concern kinda diminishes my enthusiasm.

TALK. NOW.

Alright, alright. I am progressing much well with my plan to make Potter suffer, hereby referred to as the Potter-Plan.

How. So.

I've begun Step 1 of the plan to seduce Cho Chang.

Oh.

Well, aren't you going to say anymore? Normally mums are full of advice, sayings, and mince meat pies.

Mums do not approve of such flippancy. Oh and by the way, I thought it was chocolate chip cookies.

Aww come off it. Don't you want to hear what I did?

Bet its boring.

Actually, it is.

Okay, then I want to hear it.

Won't you be bored?

When Master Malfoy says he did something boring, then there's certainly something curious about it.

No really, it is boring.

Ooh, how dastardly unusual.

I see you've gotten your tongue back. But as I said, it really isn't very much. I just saved Cho Chang from tripping and falling.

"Nothing much" huh? Aren't we the little gentlemen?

Yes, of course.

Uh huh.

Yup.

Indeed.

Absolutely

Of course.

Alright! Let me give you a blow-by-blow account of what happened.

Haha. Knew you couldn't hold out. You didn't even manage to break your previous record of sixteen sentences.

You just have to remember all the wrong stuff, don't you?

Yup.

Draco sighs.

Ugh. Don't tell me you're back into your refer-to-self-in-third-person mode again? It was a horror. 0_o Ooh cute face.

Draco thinks that is childish. But anyway, don't you want to hear what happened?

To be perfectly frank, yes. So what did you do to make her fall?

What would make you think I engineered her fall?

Well duh. It would be an insult to the Malfoy clan if one of their own blood wasn't responsible for any ill-luck occurring to a person.

True, true. But then today Crabbe slopped all his porridge down his front, and I definitely didn't have anything to do with it, unless its some magical ill-luck aura I radiate.

Urgh. Knowing Crabbe, you certainly didn't have anything to do with it.

Agreed. Anyway, you guessed right. I did cause Cho Chang's fall.

And how, I wonder, has our ingenious sire done so?

Oh, perfectly simple. Magicked a jackfruit onto her path.

A...WHAT?

I said I magicked a jackfruit onto her path.

Er...jackfruit?

Heh. Mixture of amateurism and over enthusiasm.

Oh my golly gargoyle gosh! (ooh alliteration) Did she puncture her foot?

Fortunately, no. If not there'd be unspeakable repercussions. Like jackfruit juice all over my nice black robes. Eugh. I managed to save her just in time.

Huh. 'Unspeakable repercussions'. Of course no one would bother to speak about jackfruit juice over your robes when people have jackfruits embedded in their feet.

Alright, I get the drift. Can I tell you what happened now?

Go right ahead. Just let me get some reading material to chill out while you ramble away.

For the interests of ever actually starting my story, I shall ignore that remark. Okay, I was tailing Cho, trying to figure out how to introduce myself subtly to her.

She doesn't know you?

Yeah. Its amazing, considering my popularity, isn't it?

Ha. If she did know you she'd probably pretend not to anyway.

Hey!

Well, anyway, go on.

Yeah, so I figured I would cast a spell to get a banana on her path so she would slip on it, then I'd rush in and save her before she hit the floor.

Like a gallant gentleman huh? Ahaha

So

Hahah

Unfortunately

Ahaha

I

Haha

STOP IT!

Sorry, the thought was just too funny.

Humph. Can I continue now?

Of course, of course.

Well, as you know I ended up with a jackfruit right in front of Cho Chang, and I didn't want an injured person on my hands, so I yelled out to her to stop. She did try, but she already had her foot out, so when she tried to draw back and lost her balance and fell backwards and

"oomph!" she hit the floor with a sickening thud, split her head open and viscous blood flowed out.

Ugh. How bloodthirsty. And I'd have you know, nothing like that happened. With my quick reflexes, I zipped over, and under the noses of everyone present, saved her just before she fell!

Ack! You have let down the reputation of the Malfoys! The horror! The horror!

Geez, stop mocking me. Anyway, her response was classic! She stared at me in this stupefied manner

Why? You didn't put gel in your hair?

No! I think it was because she had never met such a chivalrous male before.

Ho. Right.

Then I flashed her my most winning smile and helped her to her feet

You mean your Dracula smile?

Stop interrupting me! And I do not have a Dracula smile! Though the idea is somewhat attractive...but anyway. So then I said in my most seductive voice

*cough cough*

"Are you okay?"

Ooh, how...

Caring?

Devious.

Oh please! Don't you want to hear her response?

No.

Really?

Absolutely.

Mmm?

Nope.

Okie-doke then.

Yup.

So lets carry on with what happened in Potions lessons today.

Right.

I insulted Potter a total of 6 times.

Great.

2 times right under Professor Snape's nose!

You mean his over-sized, hooked nose?

Yup.

Indeed.

Snape praised me ten times today.

OKAY!

Hmm? What?

You know very well.

No, really, I don't.

Oh, like I believe that.

I absolutely have no idea! Go on, tell me then.

Grr. This is an insult to my dignity.

Well maybe if you stopped insulting me, this wouldn't happen.

I'm not insulting you now...

But you haven't told me what you want to tell me yet.

FINE! Tell me what Cho said.

Haha. I knew you were too much of a nosey-parker to not want to know!

Just tell me what she said!

This is the best part.

What?

She blushed!

Whoa. Not really.

Yes! Her cheeks turned pink, and she mumbled something that sounded like a cross between "yes", "thanks", and "eek!". Can you believe that?

No, not really.

Yeah! I mean...Hey! Are you insulting me?

No, not at all. Go on.

So then, I left her there blubbering like an Idiot

Hey!

And sauntered off.

And knowing you, you probably tripped over the jackfruit.

Ahem. I managed to jump it just in time.

Ugh. How unfortunate.

Exuse me! Anyway, Idiot, I need your help.

Didn't someone say he didn't want a certain quality to ever show itself? And for the last time, do not call me that.

Idiot! Idiot!

Do not call me that! Do NOT call me that!

Didn't someone say he would say something for the last time?

Learn to be more specific, Malfoy.

Oh I can't be bothered to be specific with you. So will you help me or not?

I'll consider. What's the big problem that you can't solve yourself?

Well, I need you to use whatever limited brainpower you have to help me become friends with Cho Chang.

Hmm...how about this. Go up to Cho and tell her you're the most obnoxious Slytherin 5th year, you have two numbskull bodyguards, a wise and friendly diary, an irrational fondness for hair gel, anaemia, and you're planning to use her as a tool to hurt Potter?

Subtly.

Oh. Then...accidentally "bump" into her every few months, then weeks, then days, and after several smiles (and sore hips), strike up short polite conversations that get progressively longer and more intimate, and after a few years you might become her friend! Then...we can work from there.

Eh. I was kinda thinking in the vicinity of a month?

Ahh...well, what about getting into some of her classes?

Hey that's a great idea! Idiot, you never fail to amaze me!

I hate veiled insults.

Haha. Your influence. Ugh, looks like Crabbe and Goyle are back from Phase 107 of their life-long crusade to knock down a wall in the Slytherin common room.

How's the progress?

Not a dent.

Haha. When are you planning to tell them the wall is magically strengthened?

I'm waiting for a...suitable opportunity. Ooh, bye now.

And, I know this is getting to be a cliché, but good riddance!

~tbc~

Well hope you had a good laugh or two! If you liked it, review! If you hated it, flame! If you're neutral, just review anyway. Thanks ya'll!

I might not continue this story, because right now I'm more of into writing X-Men Evolution fanfics (do read it! they're putting on a production of HP), but Sansele's idea is so ingenious I just might.

Loff,

& fLiTwIcKe