Hi.

I'm the One Ring.

You know the one I mean. Yeah, that's it – me. And can I start by say that it's a lot of pressure being "The ONE ring" with that whole deal of ruling them all. It makes me sound like a solitary control freak!

You never hear about "The ONE bracelet or the ONE necklace…", do you?

Oh yeah, at one time I was part of a set, but does that ever get mentioned?

Do they ever go on about how evil a bracelet studded with Hobbit-teeth and cursed to make the wearer eternally sing the 'Macarena' is? Nooooooo!

Do they ever comment on how dastardly the Necklace of Insane Delusional Paranoia (current owner – Jesse Helms) is? Not bloody likely!

Its slander, I tell you! But getting back to what I was saying…

Things being as they are in the evil realm (you know, those random scary, dark places that no one wants to go to cos they smell of feet and Brie), it takes a lot of dough to build obviously evil, dark and pointy towers that can house fickle wizards, Orcs, Epiladys, Lawyers, Traffic Wardens and all other things known to be evil, bad, naughty and generally worthy of a good spanking.

And to this end, the Boss went well over budget on his new and improved "I'm-an-evil-guy" look, especially with the whole 'Mount Doom' deal. I mean, how many times do you have to tell a guy, its not how big the volcano is, its what you do with it that counts!

Thanks to this, the Trinkets of Evil (the Boss hated to be told he was wearing jewellery. He thought people wouldn't take his masculinity seriously…did I mention just how BIG this guy's sword was? Serious issues there, I'm telling you!) and all other evil accessories (Don't even get me started on the Tiara of Doom) were subsequently hocked in the 2nd age by the Boss for a megaphone, mascara and building permits.

Who knew how handy that glitter-mascara would come in, when it came to stylishly trying to destroy the world as an eyeball?

If he'd maybe gone and got a bloody gauntlet, the following series of event wouldn't have happened, but, of course, the Boss had his priorities and no matter how much you tell him pink and glittery eye-lashes didn't suit him, did he listen?

Anyway, I digress.

Back to the 'evil' label everyone has pinned on me. Let's think about this logically. I'm a small ring of metal. There's a psycho wizard out there, doing naughty things with his stick and they blame a freaking circle of metal!

Mind you, with the whole load of nasty coincidences surrounding me, I suppose I can't really blame them for being arseholes.

Mind you, some people say it's all in the poem, all about darkness and binding and stuff.

What poem?

Surely you know THE poem of the ONE ring…

You know that poem scrawled in my exterior that rhymes in the common tongue, but doesn't in foul and unspoken language of Mordor (very similar to Italian)? Yes! That poem! It was pretty much done for dramatic effect.

I didn't really think that all the "good races of Middle Earth" were going to get their panties in a knot over that bit of fluff. Initially it was going to be "Best Friends Forever" but then that whole "Pure evil doesn't have friends" thing was an issue, so we went with the other bit.

Yeah...anyway, that's me. And can I say, for the record, I would not have gone with glowing red writing. Tres Tacky.

So everyone goes on and on about my being evil, because the Boss wanted to keep with the 'evil-vibe' he had going on, even though he managed to write a very pretty and lyrical poem full of nice, rhyming couplets and everything on my insides.

He wears jewellery and mascara and writes poetry and he thought that having a volcano and a ruddy great sword would make people think he was a dominant manly figure. You know why he always wore the helmet?

Make-up.

I've seen drag Queens wearing less.

Yeah, so this great, big, scary-looking, issue-ridden guy (both in and out of drag), with a pointy-helmet and armour made me in the fires of some place called Mount Doom, size 10 (although I do have the optional one-size-fits-all property. Very useful trick), and they started calling me the downfall of all free peoples – but so was Hillary Clinton and you don't see her with this kind of rap.

If that doesn't scream "I'm freaking evil!", I doubt anything would. (Frankly, I feel miss-represented and I AM going to have a word with my agent about that.) But please, dear reader, you have to think about me this way.

I'm a ring.

So what if I talk and hiss a little. You try saying "Sweet Sally sallied south in search of sand" with no lips. Not so Easssssy is it? And I could sue you for that! I have a speech impediment and I'm classed as evil! (Well, I'm sure Oprah would agree that it's unfair!)

As for that whole corrupting-people's-minds rumour that seems to be going around…it has a perfectly logical explanation! Honestly, I haven't corrupted anyone, really. Just made sure to save my own shiny hide!

Now, listen! I' m serious! If a git of an elf and son of a fallen king were holding you above a BOILING pit of lava and you had the ability to beg for your pitiful, circular life, what would you do? Would you let them throw you in or would you swear on everything that you would give them fame, glory and riches. You bet your gold ass you would.

Doesn't take a genius to figure that one out. Thank you Mr. Wizard.

See, when your jewellery starts talking to you, I figure that either you're completely insane anyway and have just gone off the deep end or you might just get what its saying. This particular twit, Isildur, seemed to believe me, thank god.

Although, there is every chance he was quite barmy as well.

Frankly, though, I think Elrond (that whacking great twit of an elf. What did I ever do to him?) is a bit off his game anyway if you know what I mean.

He holds up in his overgrown tree house for a few thousand years playing slap and tickle with the other immortals, and throwing back some of that "special" elven wine. Guy just needed to get out.

I mean, if he wanted me gone so bad, all he had to do was stick out one little foot and Isil-Dur! (and I mean that literally) would have taken me right down to the fires of the Mount Doom, although it would have had the unfortunate downside of toasting him to a crisp as well.

Although, bearing in mind the brooding and mopey twat of a descendant, maybe it would have been better if the whole messy business had gone down that way. I mean, c'mon! A lad who ditches the crown cos his great old granddaddy spoke to jewellery!

And they say Sauron had issues…

So this is MY story, the following is an account of those useless nancy-boys that pranced their way around the lands of Middle Earth that would later become known as "The Fellowship of the Ring".

Big fat hairy deal………