OK, as much as I would like to dwell on the Gollum bit, I'm going to spare you the details. Frankly, he was a crappy roommate not to mention clock-stopping ugly. I got a reputation here – DOOM of Middle Earth to newt-boy's 'precious' wasn't exactly my idea of climbing the social ladder, ya know?

You know that whole 'third person' thing was a direct result of too much time alone and too many hours reading "PlayOrc". Yeah, nice mental image, ain't it…now try BEING THE RING ON HIS HAND.

Anyway, I'm not really into 'exploring my inner ring' with you people, so lets not dwell on this somewhat short and chafing chapter in my quest-for-world dominance thing.

Besides, don't you want to hear about all the cute widdle cuddly Hobbits? How very un-original. Don't get me wrong, the dark lord likes them too. He just couldn't eat a whole one in one sitting.

Lets just cut to the chase—Hobbits – boring boring boring.

I've had tarnish with more personality than them. They never do anything mean, devious, cunning or even remotely cruel. No long hours of quality plotting, no torturing victims, no wild disco parties at Saruman's summer tower. Nadda. Zip. Ziltch.

What can you expect from a race that is perpetually smoking pipweed and look for 'shrums? Not a lot my friends. Hate to burst your bubble but that adorable trait of gorging themselves every two hours is basically "the munchies". Peaceful, loving creatures my ass, they were stoned.

Also, shit like that will stunt your growth.

That's where my biggest pet peeve of this whole malarky comes in. They star in it, when I'm classed as the big bad. They're the noble, strong and courageous little buggers who are tough enough to take the ring on a ramble. Not my idea of a pleasure outing. But then, no one ever asks ME, do they?

Did anyone actually ASK me if I wanted to be the petting toy of the hairy-fingered gimps from the Shire? Did anyone ask me if I wanted them to be 'cursed' with me?

I don't think so.

After all, I'm just a ring.

I might be the most evil ring that could destroy the whole frigging world, but still, my opinion is worth peanuts.

So onto Bilbo Baggins, or as I like to call him, Psycho.

I didn't think it would ever happen to me. I was careful. This dirty old bird was way into me though and wouldn't let me alone. "Are you seeing other rings? It's because I'm not the Dark Lord isn't it? You are seeing HIM again, aren't you?" He wouldn't let me go anywhere or do anything. If I was fondled once, I was fondled 50 times a day.

I think he was paranoid because he has short fingers.

Regardless, a ring can only take so many times of having a finger thrust into them, so I sent for an intervention counselor: Gandalf…or as we call him in Mordor, Frank.

I should make brief mention here that Frank has more alias' than a bank-robber. For years we thought maybe he had a multiple personality disorder. We sent him to see a shrink about it but he turned out to be the shrink too…huge surprise there…and that was when we realised that he was mostly just a butthead anyway.

Not that it wasn't blindingly obvious.

To each his own I guess, but you don't see me calling myself 'the ONE golden hoop' or the 'trinket of power'. At least I'm an HONEST evil bent on destroying the world.

So, getting back to what I was saying, dear old Frank lays it all out for the hairy little plonker. Encourages him to take a little vacation and try to 'get away from it all'. What Hobbits have to get away from is beyond me. If they were any more relaxed they would slip into a coma.

Eventually Frank gets the old sod to agree by using that whole "do you take me for a conjuror of cheap tricks and look how big and looming I can make myself" routine that went out in the 1st age.

He managed to do it without cracking his head off the ceiling again, which was actually the most impressive part of the whole stunt. Honestly, I think that was the thing that struck old Furry-feet the most.

Strangely enough, Psycho fell for it. I mean, how can you take any guy seriously when he forgets to shave for at least twenty years on the trot and wears a hat that makes a marquee look tiny?

And just between you and me, he had to be Gandalf THE GREY because of poor hygiene and the inability to make a washing machine work. Yeah, he can conjure magical light and everything, but ask him to turn a dial on a washing machine and he's useless.

This is also the reason that his invites to the annual Wizard picnics always get "lost".

Anywas, the old pervert dropped me like a ton of bricks. Wham, bing – thank you ring. That was it? After all we shared? I felt used.

Mostly what I needed was a little pick-me-up. Someone to 'polish the gold' without a serious commitment, if ya know what I'm saying. I wasn't asking for much, just a not-so-bright pretty boy preferably with long fingers and amazing typing skills. The kind of guy that wouldn't mind facing an enormous, terrifying eyeball to spend a little quality time with me.

And as I told Frank, I don't think that's asking too much.

Of course, Frank, being Frank, has a sense of humour that is so funny that it just…isn't.

What happened?

I got shoved in a (insert expletive of choice here) envelope for the next Dark Lord knows how many years and was forgotten about. This can be a little boring.

Even that nitwit of a nephew, Frodo (more like Bobo) hasn't the sense to be curious about ruling all Middle Earth. God, that kid is one Dull hobbit, and that my friends is saying quite a bit.

And they wonder why I've got it in for the people of Middle Earth!

Anyways, eventually, Frank recalls this 'little joke' of his and decides to show face and for the first time since I was shoved in the freaking letter rack. He started babbling on about my being the ONE ring of great and terrible power. (So frigging awesome I can't even get my ass out of a wet envelope, but ok, whatever).

Mind you, Frank always was a bit of a drama queen. Which pretty much sucks because he could have just ASKED to see the lettering. Instead he goes for his little idea of flare and next thing you know, I'm smelling burnt wax…

Talk about a friendly wake-up call.