Disclaimer: I did not create nor do I have ownership of "Moulin Rouge", it's storyline or any of its characters, the following songs: "Who Let the Dogs Out" (Baha Men), "Shake ya ass" (Mystikal), the following movies: "Star Wars". Oh yeah, and a big "SORRY" to Ms. Britney Spears. Don't get me wrong - I loved "Moulin Rouge" but I just thought of some ways to poke fun at it. Peace out.

Moulin Rouge - What Really Happened at the Ol' Wind Mill

Christian: "I came to Paris to write about love. There's only one problem, I've never been in love!"

Christian's stupid smile is replaced with a look of shock. He whipped out his to-do list and saw that falling in love had not yet been checked off.

Christian: "Oh shit!" He said, temporarily dropping his accent.

Luckily, a narcoleptic Argentinean fell through his roof and soon a bunch of other weirdos, including a cross dresser named Audrey and a man walking on his knees joined him.

Christian: "What the hell is going on?"

Man on Knees: "We're rehearswing a pway but he keewps fawing asweep!" The man on his knees said with an annoying lisp.

Christian: "Hey dude, why are you on your knees?"

Man on Knees: "What? I'm not on my knees! I'm a midget . . ."

Christian: "I can see the rest of your legs. And your cue says 'man on knees.'"

Man on Knees: "DAMNIT! STHOMEONE FIX THHHAT!" The man on his . . . er . . . the midget began to calm down.

Christian: "Er . . . alright."

Midget: "Anyway! Yesth, we're reheaswing a pway and he fewl asweep. Would you stand in for him?"

Christian: "Eh . . . nah. I'm busy trying to think of a way to fall in love. Plus I've had a hard day, the IRS is on my ass and I've got parking tickets sky high. I just want to get wasted and sit here at my window. Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do."

Midget: "But . . .!"

Christian: "Listen I'm just really emotional right now! Can't you see I need space?" Christian tossed his head back and placed his hand on his forehead, to appear stressed. He whimpered pitifully.

Midget: "What a Dwama Quween!"

Suddenly, the landlord began banging on Christian's door.

Landlord: "What the hell happened in there?! Christian - you're going to pay for whatever you damage you caused in there! This better not be another episode with the fart and lighter!"

Christian, looking alarmed, giggled nervously.

Christian: "Heh, heh! Don't know what he's talking . . . "

Landlord: "CHRISTIAN! I know you're in there! I'm calling the police and they're gonna nail your ass . . ."

Christian: "C'MON! Let's go practice that play, midget!"

They climbed up through the hole and started practicing. The cross dresser Audrey was getting pissed off because everyone was messing up his music. Suddenly, Christian burst into song . . .

Christian: "Whoooo let the dogs out? Who? Who? Who? Who? Whooo?"

Everyone stared at him in astonishment.

Midget: "That was amazwing!"

Audrey: "No it wasn't! That was pure crap! Who would sing a song about dogs being let out? WHO WOULD DO THAT?!"

Christian, undiscouraged, continued, this time more slowly and softly -

Christian: "I say, who let those dogs out? Who . . . who . . . who?" As he sung the last "who" a tear rolled down the midget's cheek.

Midget: "So poetic! Sthrew you, Audrey! We have a new witer for this pway!"

Audrey, in misery, jumped out the window and burst into flames on the way down. They all shrugged and decided to get really drunk. They thought they saw this green fairy, but realized it was just that Kylie Minogue girl in a really slutty outfit.

Kylie: "La la la! I'm the green fairy!"

Christian: "You're really drunk."

Kylie: "Who isn't in this movie?"

Christian: "Movie?"

Poor naïve Christian. Anyway, they went to the Moulin Rouge where there were a lot of hookers and old rich men. Everybody there was gettin' their groove on. I mean it was one dope party.

Midget: "Isn't this fwun?"

Christian: "Not really, everyone here smells. And there's no punch bowl."

Suddenly, the prettiest hooker of them all came out of the ceiling on a swing. Her name was Satine. She began singing and it was so horrible, everyone covered their ears and screamed for her to stop.

Satine: "Wow look they how much they love me! They're begging for more!"

The swing lowered to the ground and she started dancing. Harold Ziddler, the owner of the Moulin Rouge began to smack her ass and rapped . . .

Ziddler: "Shake ya ass! Watch ya self! Shake ya ass! But watch ya self!"

Christian was getting really tired of the whole scene and was about to leave when the midget said,

Midget: "Chwistian, I've awanged for you to wead your poetwy to Satine totawy awone."

Christian: "Alone? Hell yes! Finally this is getting interesting!"

Satine's ass was now as red as her hair and it burned like hell.

Satine: "That's enough Harold!" She turned around and started dancing again. "Now, where's that duke I have to screw tonight?"

Ziddler: "Over there."

He pointed in the direction of a small, skinny, weasel-like man. But, Satine, being the dumb ass that she is and a little near sighted, thought he was pointing to the handsome young man with his hand in his pants - who just so happened to be Christian.

Satine: "You sure?"

Ziddler: "Yeah, that's him over there."

Satine made her way over to where Christian.

Satine: "Dance with me?" She asked fluttering her eyelashes.

Christian: "No, sorry. I don't dance with whores."

Satine kicked him in the balls and grabbed his hand. With a loud "UGH!" he reluctantly followed her to the dance floor. Ziddler would have noticed she was dancing with the wrong guy, but he was too busy getting high.

Satine: "My name's Satine." She said, batting her eyelashes again.

Christian: "What kind of name's that? Satine? It's like satin, but it's not. I thought whores were supposed to be named after pastries or named Britney Spears?"

Britney Spears: "Humph! That's it! I'm like so burning my Star Wars DVD! You, like, totally suck, Ewan!"

And Britney Spears spun her blonde head around, and stormed off in a huff.

Satine: "Whaddya mean? Satine's sexy and mysterious. See?" She tilted her head and raised her eyebrow. "My name's Satine and I'm sexy and mysterious."

Just then, a drunken fool accidentally tripped and splashed his beer all over Satine's face.

Satine: "Oh nooo!"

Her fake penciled-in eyebrows started to wash off. The auburn make-up dripped down the sides of her face.

Satine: "How am I supposed to be sexy and mysterious now?"

Embarrassed, Satine took Christian to the giant Elephant made of straw.

Christian: "Are you sure this is safe?"

Satine: "Oh, yeah. Come on."

Since there was apparently no stairs, they climbed up the side.

Satine: "Well, how about some champagne?"

Christian began to snort laughter.

Christian: "Uh . . . he he! . . . no thanks."

Satine: "Then, let's get down to the poetry, my dear."

Christian suddenly couldn't control his laughter. He covered his mouth and tried to hold it in, but he couldn't help it.

Satine: "What?"

Christian: "You just . . . HAHAHA!!!"

He laughed at her some more and she was becoming impatient.

Satine: "WHAT?!"

Christian: "I'm sorry. It's just hard to take a person with no eyebrows seriously! HAHAHA!!!"

Satine: "You bastard! You know, a hooker . . . I mean, a courtesan . . . has feelings, too!"

Christian: "Hang on . . . I think I know what to do. Be right back."

Christian then exited the elephant. Satine frowned and stared at her eyebrow-less face in the mirror. Moments later, Christian returned with something in his hand.

Satine: "What's that?"

Christian unfolded his fingers to reveal . . . THE DUKE'S MOUSTACHE?!?!

Christian: "There was this guy I saw earlier with the most horrible moustache piece. He told me he had a date tonight, so I convinced him the moustache was way out with the ladies."

Satine smiled and smoothed the moustache in place of where her eyebrows were supposed to be.

Satine: "What do you think?"

Christian: "Well, you sort of have a unibrow - but that's better than nothing."

TO BE CONTINUED.!