Disclaimer: Me no own. You no sue. Yo go away now. You get it?
Thanks go to: Jishoshojo, Rossana (It's not a soap opera, persay...), NiceDay, Angel of the Storms (hate the king. Absolutely hate the king lol), searchn4somethinmore (I like your name. Oh, and A/G 4eva!), Keita (Dragonlance is a book series [A rather large one] that's been around since the 80's. If you want to start reading them, read Dragons of Autumn Twilight, and then just go down the list. They have them somewhere in the front of the book. Or you could e-mail me, if you really want, for some strange reason. ^_^), Valeria, Midnight Maiden, Snow*flake (We sedative takers have to stick together! Oh, and no, you don't make much sense, but neither do I, so it really doesn't matter), tigerlily, clarylissa, the two people who left it blank, Emily (let's just say, Dom is away on vacation or something. Now, I know members of the king's own don't get vacations persay, but oh well. Oh, and mention of Yuki is in the next chapter. And how did you read Lady Knight when it didn't come out yet?), Zurizip, TBA (I put you on my favorite's list, if you were wondering), SkeAnjel6, and White- wolf (Don't go around blabbing the plot! It's not nice! Well, it's sorta what's going to happen... lol) Thanks so much!
Rebound - Chapter 6 - The Letter
Raoul angrily paced the confines of his rooms mumbling incoherent things under his breath as he opened his juice cellar. He grabbed a mug and a jug of grapefruit juice. Pouring himself some, he sat down in a nearby armchair and brooded.
"Who does she think she is? I mean, I can understand if she was a bit embarrassed of us. She is, after all twenty-someodd years younger than I am. But telling me to go back to Buri? I wasn't that cold about it! Mithros!" he exclaimed as he flung his glass of juice against the door.
Raoul swallowed and closed his eyes. Mellowing his temper, he started to think a bit more clearly.
"I suppose I could have been better to her about it. I didn't have to get mad at her. I could have let it slide, but no! I have to go and have a big mouth. That's me. Big mouth Raoul. I'm nice and friendly to my friends, and I treat my lovers like they're nothing. Great."
He buried his face in his hands and rubbed his eyes. He sighed and let out a deep breath.
'I shouldn't have done that. It was rash and uncalled for. I don't blame her for being a bit embarrassed. It finally gives substance to people's rumors about us. Now, they can go, and brag, and say they were right. How did I get myself into this? Oh wait, I remember. I slept with Kel. Right.'
He moaned into his hands and shut his eyes tightly.
'I should apologize. That's the only real thing to do. I overreacted, and because of that, I have to go and swallow my pride.'
Getting up, he headed toward the door when out of the corner of his eye, he saw a piece of parchment on his desk. Raising his eyebrows, he contemplated his idea. Resolutely, headed over to his desk and began to write.
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Kel nervously knocked on the door of Alanna's room.
Alanna had once told Kel that she could come to her if she needed any help. She never said it had to be about practice swords and jousting, however. Kel came to her in desperate need of romantic advise. She had heard that The Lioness once had faced a similar problem.
Kel started to stride back and forth outside the older Lady Knight's rooms, waiting impatiently. What if she wasn't here? What if she was at one of the king's meetings? After all, we are at war with Scanra now. Why wouldn't she be there?
Kel moaned in frustration. Today just was not her day.
Sliding up against the Lady Knight's door, she sat down with a thump. "What am I supposed to do? I've gone and messed things up with Raoul, and now, I'll be lucky if Neal will ever treat me the same again. Things will be awkward and embarrassing and uncomfortable. He's my best friend and I want there to be more, but at the same time, I don't know what's going on with Raoul. That awful fight was something I just want to forget. I didn't want things to come out that way. I was just - unsure! I didn't know what I was thinking!"
Resting her elbows on her knees, she sought for the answer to the question that had plagued her ever since Neal had kissed her for the first time.
'Which one do I love?'
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Alanna mumbled wearily as she walked back to her rooms. She was hoping to take a quick nap before dinner. The meeting had gone fairly well, considering everyone just had to have a say in the strategies Tortall should use with the war with Scanra. Of course, all their strategies had contradicted everyone else's, so it ended up not making much sense.
Muttering a quick hello to a few passing nobles that passed her way, she came to a halt at the end of her hallway. There, sitting in the doorway of her room, was a very frustrated looking Keladry of Mindelan. She was muttering something about love and choosing from what she could hear.
Alanna frowned. This wasn't the Keladry she knew. The Keladry she knew would definitely not be as confused and disorientated as she was now. Then again, if it was about love, confusion was bound to have something to do with it.
Sighing, Alanna made her way to her door. 'I guess I can forget that nap.'
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Kel looked up when she heard footsteps coming from a few feet away from her. They were soft and muffled, but the shadow that came before them gave their owner away.
"Lady Alanna," Kel said with an air of respect. Alanna nodded to her and held out a hand for her to get up.
"Keladry," Alanna replied, helping Kel to her feet. Kel blushed as they stood there in a moment of awkward silence.
"Would you like to come in?" Alanna asked finally, smiling weakly.
Kel looked relieved. "Yes, thank you." Alanna opened the door and allowed Kel to come in.
Kel stared in wonder at the room before her. Artifacts from every region of the world could be found here. Bazhir carpets, Carthaki jewels, and Tyran pottery could be seen. Swords and scabbards hung from the walls, sided with works by Gallan painters.
"You like it them?" Alanna asked amusedly. "It has that reaction on most people the first time they see it."
Kel nodded in bewilderment as Alanna motioned for her to sit next to her on a nearby sofa.
"So, what can I do for you, Kel?" she asked, a neutral look on her face.
Kel tore her attention away from the wonders of the Lady Knight's room to face Alanna. "Well, you see, I've been having a little problem as of late."
Alanna nodded in understanding. "Does it have something to do with a certain Kennan boy and my former squire, Neal?" Kel looked at her strangely and frowned.
"Well, yes, a bit. How did you know-"
"I found them rolling around outside the kings chambers during one of his meetings. They were fighting, and by the sound of their raised voices, I'd say it was about you. Raoul's told me that you've been sweet for the Kennan boy as of late. Could Neal have become part of the equation as well?" Alanna cocked an eyebrow knowingly while Kel looked away, exasperated.
"It's bad to live in a place where news travels this fast," she said uneasily. "Well, yes that's part of it, but it's a bit more complicated than that."
"Really? Can't decide between the two of them? Because let me tell you, I've been there-"
"Well, yes, but it's not Neal and Cleon I'm having trouble deciding between!" Kel exclaimed. Embarrassed that she had let her exasperation show, she blushed and looked away. Alanna put a hand on her shoulder.
"It's Neal and Raoul." She heard Alanna take a quick intake of air. "And I know what you're thinking," she said quickly before Alanna could respond. "I know that Raoul's too old for me, that he could be my father. But he and Neal have always been there for me. And then when Neal kissed me and Raoul went and-"
"Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Now, I'm not going to judge you and say that Raoul is too old for you. My two good friends, Daine Sarrasri and Numair Salamin are fifteen years apart and they have a wonderful relationship together. Why don't you start from the beginning, though, so I can understand your situation better," Alanna asked, eyeing Kel reassuringly.
Kel sighed. "It's quite a long story." Alanna smiled.
"We have time."
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Raoul signed his name at the bottom of the parchment. He could only hope that this would make some sort of a difference. He didn't want to loose Kel. Not now. Not when things were finally going right in his life.
Placing the letter in an envelope, he took a sip of water. The letter had taken him what seemed like hours to write. He had told Kel what he thought he, the slayer of giants, commander of the King's Own, would never have been brave enough to say. He stamped his seal on the envelope and waited for it to dry.
'I just hope it makes a difference. Please have it make a difference.'
Calling for a servant to take the letter to Kel's rooms, he sat back in his chair and waited as the servant departed from his rooms.
And waited.
And waited.
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
"Do you want my honest opinion?" Alanna asked when Kel had finished. Kel shrugged.
"You're probably the only person that will give me an unbiased opinion," she replied. Alanna let out a deep breath and looked at Kel sorrowfully.
"Truthfully, I think Raoul is your rebound man." Kel frowned and said nothing. Alanna continued. "When I was King Jonathan's squire, we had fallen in love. We had gotten into a big fight and broken up. My rebound man, ironically enough, was the man I married. However, I had already loved George before I went and slept with him. You, on the other hand, loved Raoul as nothing more than as a father figure, or at least in a platonic way."
Alanna paused before she went on. "Raoul, for you, I think, was a way to forget everything that had happened to you with Cleon. You had loved Cleon, no?" Kel nodded.
"Yes, well, sometimes, we just want the pain to go away. For some people, they immerse themselves in their training, while others immerse themselves in their wine. You, like many people, decided to go and attach onto someone different-" she paused"- Raoul - to get yourself to forget about Cleon for a while. Does that make any sort of sense?"
Kel nodded. "What about Neal, then?" Alanna sighed.
"You said that you loved Neal even before this whole episode you had with Cleon?"
"Yes," Kel answered. "Yes, I had a bit of a crush on him since my second year as a page."
"And that bit of a crush turned into love?" Alanna asked. Kel nodded. "But then it went away?"
Kel looked away. "I thought it had. But now, I'm not so sure. I didn't have to seduce Neal to make him want me. Neal just loved me all on his own."
Alanna sighed and shook her head. "I can't help you on that one, Lady Knight. You have to decide if you love Neal or not all by yourself. Or if you love Raoul. Like I said, I ended up marrying my rebound man. Maybe you do love him. But it's all in here." She pointed at Kel's heart.
Kel moaned. "Sometimes, I think I would just do better without love."
Alanna laughed sadly at Kel. "Ah, but love can be a many splendored thing, my dear Keladry. Sometimes, all you need is love."
Kel crossed her arms over her chest. "You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs. Sometimes love isn't good enough. Sometimes, love only causes confusion and pain."
Alanna chuckled. "Once, I thought the same way. Look at me now. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful children, and a lovely home. What more can a girl ask for?"
Kel sighed and shook her head. "I don't know. I honestly don't know."
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Dejectedly, Kel made her way back to her rooms. Her talk with Alanna had just made her more confused than she was before. Now she had to go and choose which of the two perfect men she had vying for her affections she loved. "Things are so utterly clear," she said sarcastically, to no one in particular.
"Really? Because, I thought, right about now, things would be a tad bit confusing for you." Kel gasped and looked behind her. When she saw who it was, she rolled her eyes and moaned.
"What do you want, Cleon?" she asked as Cleon of Kennan came out from behind her. He had a big purplish-yellow bruise right on his left eye. Kel snorted. Maybe that was from the fight Alanna had been telling her about.
"To be your friend. To make things up to you in some way," he answered. Kel eyed him skeptically.
"And what makes you think I would enjoy your company?" Kel retorted coldly. Cleon grabbed her arm and held tight to it.
"I don't, really. I wouldn't blame you for hating me. I would deserve it. I don't deserve to be your friend, or even an acquaintance, let alone your lover." Kel snorted. Cleon went on.
"But I would like for you to be able to somewhat forget about what a stupid idiot I am and try to partially forgive me. I know this is probably my fault with Raoul and Neal-"
"How do you know about that?" Kel asked accusingly. Cleon backed away a bit and scratched his forehead.
"Well, I saw you and Raoul together. And with Neal, I guessed it by the way he got so protective of you when I told him that you had been... ahm... having relations with Raoul." Kel's eyes went livid.
"You-you told him? W-why?" she asked, her eyes gleaming in an unusual light while her mouth twitched in an ugly scowl.
"Well, I was slightly, well, perturbed, and I wasn't exactly in my right mind at the time. But listen, Kel, I'm really sorry-" He stopped when Kel backed up against the wall and sank down against it. She laughed, and her laughter evolved into sobs. Cleon looked on, unsure about what to do. His heart was tearing up, seeing Kel like this. He swallowed and sat next to her. Tentatively, he put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her against him. She sobbed freely into his tunic, and as Cleon held her tightly, tempted to cry a bit himself.
When she had stopped, she looked up at him. "Thanks," she said simply.
"Don't mention it," he answered. Kel looked away. She was silent for a long time.
"Considering the thing that happened last time you held me like this, I think we should get up," she said finally. Cleon's mouth formed a tight smile as he got up and helped her to her feet. He hugged her and closed his eyes.
"This is really goodbye then?" he asked her. She sighed and closed her eyes as well.
"It is. I wish it could have worked out," Kel answered.
"Me too," Cleon said as he let go his hold of her. He touched her cheek affectionately. "I'm sorry, Kel."
"You had a duty. You fulfilled it. If anything, I can understand that. I think I was just looking for someone to blame." She smiled tightly and looked away.
"You know, I think Neal really loves you." Kel looked up sharply and frowned.
"Why do you say that?" she asked, confused at his sudden remark.
"Can see it in his eyes. Do you know how worried her was when you were stuck in your rooms? You should have seen him. Always pacing, up and down the corridors. I felt quite guilty at the time. Now, I see how amusing it really was." Kel snorted, then smiled.
"So, I guess I'll see you around, Kennan," she said as she backed away from him and headed back to her rooms.
Cleon flashed a smile. "You can count on it."
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Kel opened her door silently. It was around dinner time now, and she wanted to bathe and dress before she ate. Stepping into her room and closing the door, she undressed and found a bath ready for her. She had asked one of the servants to bring her water for her bath before she had talked to Cleon. She immersed herself into it, and for once, stopped thinking about her troubles.
After her bath, she dressed in a light blue tunic and breeches. Going over to her windows, she greeted the sparrows that flew happily to her fingers and shoulders.
"Now, now," she scolded them. "I just took a bath. Don't get me all dirty now." Shaking the birds off, she headed to the door when she saw an envelope jutting out from under the entranceway. Kel burrowed her brows.
'Odd,' she thought. 'I didn't see that before.'
She made her way over to the door and pulled out the envelope from under it. Recognizing Raoul's seal, she frowned. Opening the envelope, she unfolded the letter and began to read:
To my dearest Kel,
I had long ago promised myself that I would never write a letter like this. I swore to Mithros and the Goddess that I would not become another bumbling squire that wrote love letters to their unattainable sweethearts. However, I find that I am no longer a bumbling squire, but a bumbling knight.
Long have I sought for something real, something permanent. Long have I sought, and long have I failed. The closest I have ever found to something real, to love, if you may call it that, was Buri. She was what I wanted a woman to be: smart, funny, with a warrior's spirit and vigor. She was everything I wanted, and yet I could not be satisfied by her. We never took each other seriously, there were too many arguments. I could give you a number of reasons why it did not work out. However the main point is that it did not work out.
And then came you. Beautiful, smart, perfect you. I felt so lucky. I could not believe that I had been stupid enough as to not have realized what was under my nose in the first place. You always were close to me, my best friend at times. You truly did keep my sane during those unbearable years. When Buri left, you were the only thing that kept me anchored to this world. You, and the occasional joust.
I just don't want to loose you, Kel. I care too much to loose you now. If I lost you, I don't think I could bear it. You are everything I need. I refrain from using the word want, because want is not the appropriate word to use in this situation. I need you, Kel. I love you and I need you. I don't think I was ready to tell you before, but now I am. I love you.
Please, don't leave me in the dark about this. If you don't love me, I'll understand. But please, at least tell me. I need to know. Don't keep me guessing. Be the wonderful, perfect Kel you are and tell me before I get in too deep. Please.
There's so much left to say. I only regret that the remainder of my feelings could never be related into words. Then, maybe you could somehow, know...
I leave you with my love and my heart. And I beg of you, please don't break it.
With all my love,
Raoul
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Ooooooo... I swear to God, I started crying when I was writing the letter. After I was finished, I called my friend up and started bawling on the phone. I get emotional at these sort of things... *breaks out into tears* Wahhh... I feel so bad for Raoul. I love him to death. Oh, and Kel's not mad at Cleon anymore. That's a good thing, unless you really don't like Cleon and want him to die. Then again, that can be arranged... Alanna's so very helpful, isn't she? *snorts* Anyways, please keep reviewing! I love it when you do. It's so nice, and gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Similar to hot chocolate, actually. I said in the author's not last chapter that I wouldn't be able to post in about a week, but do not despair! I will be back and ready to write more! See, on vacation, all these ideas will pop into my head and then you won't have to worry about me having a lack of them. See? It's all good. Oh, and if anyone wants to know, I'm going to Southampton. Yay! So... anyways, I'll see you all ina about a week. Until then, review, and don't die! Um... yeah.
*~Cami~*
P.S. To Snow*flake: I took my sedative and it didn't work! I still started crying hysterically in the middle of my author's note! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I should take a double dose...
P.P.S. If anyone caught the Mulin Rouge references, good for you!
Thanks go to: Jishoshojo, Rossana (It's not a soap opera, persay...), NiceDay, Angel of the Storms (hate the king. Absolutely hate the king lol), searchn4somethinmore (I like your name. Oh, and A/G 4eva!), Keita (Dragonlance is a book series [A rather large one] that's been around since the 80's. If you want to start reading them, read Dragons of Autumn Twilight, and then just go down the list. They have them somewhere in the front of the book. Or you could e-mail me, if you really want, for some strange reason. ^_^), Valeria, Midnight Maiden, Snow*flake (We sedative takers have to stick together! Oh, and no, you don't make much sense, but neither do I, so it really doesn't matter), tigerlily, clarylissa, the two people who left it blank, Emily (let's just say, Dom is away on vacation or something. Now, I know members of the king's own don't get vacations persay, but oh well. Oh, and mention of Yuki is in the next chapter. And how did you read Lady Knight when it didn't come out yet?), Zurizip, TBA (I put you on my favorite's list, if you were wondering), SkeAnjel6, and White- wolf (Don't go around blabbing the plot! It's not nice! Well, it's sorta what's going to happen... lol) Thanks so much!
Rebound - Chapter 6 - The Letter
Raoul angrily paced the confines of his rooms mumbling incoherent things under his breath as he opened his juice cellar. He grabbed a mug and a jug of grapefruit juice. Pouring himself some, he sat down in a nearby armchair and brooded.
"Who does she think she is? I mean, I can understand if she was a bit embarrassed of us. She is, after all twenty-someodd years younger than I am. But telling me to go back to Buri? I wasn't that cold about it! Mithros!" he exclaimed as he flung his glass of juice against the door.
Raoul swallowed and closed his eyes. Mellowing his temper, he started to think a bit more clearly.
"I suppose I could have been better to her about it. I didn't have to get mad at her. I could have let it slide, but no! I have to go and have a big mouth. That's me. Big mouth Raoul. I'm nice and friendly to my friends, and I treat my lovers like they're nothing. Great."
He buried his face in his hands and rubbed his eyes. He sighed and let out a deep breath.
'I shouldn't have done that. It was rash and uncalled for. I don't blame her for being a bit embarrassed. It finally gives substance to people's rumors about us. Now, they can go, and brag, and say they were right. How did I get myself into this? Oh wait, I remember. I slept with Kel. Right.'
He moaned into his hands and shut his eyes tightly.
'I should apologize. That's the only real thing to do. I overreacted, and because of that, I have to go and swallow my pride.'
Getting up, he headed toward the door when out of the corner of his eye, he saw a piece of parchment on his desk. Raising his eyebrows, he contemplated his idea. Resolutely, headed over to his desk and began to write.
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Kel nervously knocked on the door of Alanna's room.
Alanna had once told Kel that she could come to her if she needed any help. She never said it had to be about practice swords and jousting, however. Kel came to her in desperate need of romantic advise. She had heard that The Lioness once had faced a similar problem.
Kel started to stride back and forth outside the older Lady Knight's rooms, waiting impatiently. What if she wasn't here? What if she was at one of the king's meetings? After all, we are at war with Scanra now. Why wouldn't she be there?
Kel moaned in frustration. Today just was not her day.
Sliding up against the Lady Knight's door, she sat down with a thump. "What am I supposed to do? I've gone and messed things up with Raoul, and now, I'll be lucky if Neal will ever treat me the same again. Things will be awkward and embarrassing and uncomfortable. He's my best friend and I want there to be more, but at the same time, I don't know what's going on with Raoul. That awful fight was something I just want to forget. I didn't want things to come out that way. I was just - unsure! I didn't know what I was thinking!"
Resting her elbows on her knees, she sought for the answer to the question that had plagued her ever since Neal had kissed her for the first time.
'Which one do I love?'
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Alanna mumbled wearily as she walked back to her rooms. She was hoping to take a quick nap before dinner. The meeting had gone fairly well, considering everyone just had to have a say in the strategies Tortall should use with the war with Scanra. Of course, all their strategies had contradicted everyone else's, so it ended up not making much sense.
Muttering a quick hello to a few passing nobles that passed her way, she came to a halt at the end of her hallway. There, sitting in the doorway of her room, was a very frustrated looking Keladry of Mindelan. She was muttering something about love and choosing from what she could hear.
Alanna frowned. This wasn't the Keladry she knew. The Keladry she knew would definitely not be as confused and disorientated as she was now. Then again, if it was about love, confusion was bound to have something to do with it.
Sighing, Alanna made her way to her door. 'I guess I can forget that nap.'
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Kel looked up when she heard footsteps coming from a few feet away from her. They were soft and muffled, but the shadow that came before them gave their owner away.
"Lady Alanna," Kel said with an air of respect. Alanna nodded to her and held out a hand for her to get up.
"Keladry," Alanna replied, helping Kel to her feet. Kel blushed as they stood there in a moment of awkward silence.
"Would you like to come in?" Alanna asked finally, smiling weakly.
Kel looked relieved. "Yes, thank you." Alanna opened the door and allowed Kel to come in.
Kel stared in wonder at the room before her. Artifacts from every region of the world could be found here. Bazhir carpets, Carthaki jewels, and Tyran pottery could be seen. Swords and scabbards hung from the walls, sided with works by Gallan painters.
"You like it them?" Alanna asked amusedly. "It has that reaction on most people the first time they see it."
Kel nodded in bewilderment as Alanna motioned for her to sit next to her on a nearby sofa.
"So, what can I do for you, Kel?" she asked, a neutral look on her face.
Kel tore her attention away from the wonders of the Lady Knight's room to face Alanna. "Well, you see, I've been having a little problem as of late."
Alanna nodded in understanding. "Does it have something to do with a certain Kennan boy and my former squire, Neal?" Kel looked at her strangely and frowned.
"Well, yes, a bit. How did you know-"
"I found them rolling around outside the kings chambers during one of his meetings. They were fighting, and by the sound of their raised voices, I'd say it was about you. Raoul's told me that you've been sweet for the Kennan boy as of late. Could Neal have become part of the equation as well?" Alanna cocked an eyebrow knowingly while Kel looked away, exasperated.
"It's bad to live in a place where news travels this fast," she said uneasily. "Well, yes that's part of it, but it's a bit more complicated than that."
"Really? Can't decide between the two of them? Because let me tell you, I've been there-"
"Well, yes, but it's not Neal and Cleon I'm having trouble deciding between!" Kel exclaimed. Embarrassed that she had let her exasperation show, she blushed and looked away. Alanna put a hand on her shoulder.
"It's Neal and Raoul." She heard Alanna take a quick intake of air. "And I know what you're thinking," she said quickly before Alanna could respond. "I know that Raoul's too old for me, that he could be my father. But he and Neal have always been there for me. And then when Neal kissed me and Raoul went and-"
"Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Now, I'm not going to judge you and say that Raoul is too old for you. My two good friends, Daine Sarrasri and Numair Salamin are fifteen years apart and they have a wonderful relationship together. Why don't you start from the beginning, though, so I can understand your situation better," Alanna asked, eyeing Kel reassuringly.
Kel sighed. "It's quite a long story." Alanna smiled.
"We have time."
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Raoul signed his name at the bottom of the parchment. He could only hope that this would make some sort of a difference. He didn't want to loose Kel. Not now. Not when things were finally going right in his life.
Placing the letter in an envelope, he took a sip of water. The letter had taken him what seemed like hours to write. He had told Kel what he thought he, the slayer of giants, commander of the King's Own, would never have been brave enough to say. He stamped his seal on the envelope and waited for it to dry.
'I just hope it makes a difference. Please have it make a difference.'
Calling for a servant to take the letter to Kel's rooms, he sat back in his chair and waited as the servant departed from his rooms.
And waited.
And waited.
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
"Do you want my honest opinion?" Alanna asked when Kel had finished. Kel shrugged.
"You're probably the only person that will give me an unbiased opinion," she replied. Alanna let out a deep breath and looked at Kel sorrowfully.
"Truthfully, I think Raoul is your rebound man." Kel frowned and said nothing. Alanna continued. "When I was King Jonathan's squire, we had fallen in love. We had gotten into a big fight and broken up. My rebound man, ironically enough, was the man I married. However, I had already loved George before I went and slept with him. You, on the other hand, loved Raoul as nothing more than as a father figure, or at least in a platonic way."
Alanna paused before she went on. "Raoul, for you, I think, was a way to forget everything that had happened to you with Cleon. You had loved Cleon, no?" Kel nodded.
"Yes, well, sometimes, we just want the pain to go away. For some people, they immerse themselves in their training, while others immerse themselves in their wine. You, like many people, decided to go and attach onto someone different-" she paused"- Raoul - to get yourself to forget about Cleon for a while. Does that make any sort of sense?"
Kel nodded. "What about Neal, then?" Alanna sighed.
"You said that you loved Neal even before this whole episode you had with Cleon?"
"Yes," Kel answered. "Yes, I had a bit of a crush on him since my second year as a page."
"And that bit of a crush turned into love?" Alanna asked. Kel nodded. "But then it went away?"
Kel looked away. "I thought it had. But now, I'm not so sure. I didn't have to seduce Neal to make him want me. Neal just loved me all on his own."
Alanna sighed and shook her head. "I can't help you on that one, Lady Knight. You have to decide if you love Neal or not all by yourself. Or if you love Raoul. Like I said, I ended up marrying my rebound man. Maybe you do love him. But it's all in here." She pointed at Kel's heart.
Kel moaned. "Sometimes, I think I would just do better without love."
Alanna laughed sadly at Kel. "Ah, but love can be a many splendored thing, my dear Keladry. Sometimes, all you need is love."
Kel crossed her arms over her chest. "You'd think that people would have had enough of silly love songs. Sometimes love isn't good enough. Sometimes, love only causes confusion and pain."
Alanna chuckled. "Once, I thought the same way. Look at me now. I have a wonderful husband, beautiful children, and a lovely home. What more can a girl ask for?"
Kel sighed and shook her head. "I don't know. I honestly don't know."
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Dejectedly, Kel made her way back to her rooms. Her talk with Alanna had just made her more confused than she was before. Now she had to go and choose which of the two perfect men she had vying for her affections she loved. "Things are so utterly clear," she said sarcastically, to no one in particular.
"Really? Because, I thought, right about now, things would be a tad bit confusing for you." Kel gasped and looked behind her. When she saw who it was, she rolled her eyes and moaned.
"What do you want, Cleon?" she asked as Cleon of Kennan came out from behind her. He had a big purplish-yellow bruise right on his left eye. Kel snorted. Maybe that was from the fight Alanna had been telling her about.
"To be your friend. To make things up to you in some way," he answered. Kel eyed him skeptically.
"And what makes you think I would enjoy your company?" Kel retorted coldly. Cleon grabbed her arm and held tight to it.
"I don't, really. I wouldn't blame you for hating me. I would deserve it. I don't deserve to be your friend, or even an acquaintance, let alone your lover." Kel snorted. Cleon went on.
"But I would like for you to be able to somewhat forget about what a stupid idiot I am and try to partially forgive me. I know this is probably my fault with Raoul and Neal-"
"How do you know about that?" Kel asked accusingly. Cleon backed away a bit and scratched his forehead.
"Well, I saw you and Raoul together. And with Neal, I guessed it by the way he got so protective of you when I told him that you had been... ahm... having relations with Raoul." Kel's eyes went livid.
"You-you told him? W-why?" she asked, her eyes gleaming in an unusual light while her mouth twitched in an ugly scowl.
"Well, I was slightly, well, perturbed, and I wasn't exactly in my right mind at the time. But listen, Kel, I'm really sorry-" He stopped when Kel backed up against the wall and sank down against it. She laughed, and her laughter evolved into sobs. Cleon looked on, unsure about what to do. His heart was tearing up, seeing Kel like this. He swallowed and sat next to her. Tentatively, he put an arm around her shoulder and pulled her against him. She sobbed freely into his tunic, and as Cleon held her tightly, tempted to cry a bit himself.
When she had stopped, she looked up at him. "Thanks," she said simply.
"Don't mention it," he answered. Kel looked away. She was silent for a long time.
"Considering the thing that happened last time you held me like this, I think we should get up," she said finally. Cleon's mouth formed a tight smile as he got up and helped her to her feet. He hugged her and closed his eyes.
"This is really goodbye then?" he asked her. She sighed and closed her eyes as well.
"It is. I wish it could have worked out," Kel answered.
"Me too," Cleon said as he let go his hold of her. He touched her cheek affectionately. "I'm sorry, Kel."
"You had a duty. You fulfilled it. If anything, I can understand that. I think I was just looking for someone to blame." She smiled tightly and looked away.
"You know, I think Neal really loves you." Kel looked up sharply and frowned.
"Why do you say that?" she asked, confused at his sudden remark.
"Can see it in his eyes. Do you know how worried her was when you were stuck in your rooms? You should have seen him. Always pacing, up and down the corridors. I felt quite guilty at the time. Now, I see how amusing it really was." Kel snorted, then smiled.
"So, I guess I'll see you around, Kennan," she said as she backed away from him and headed back to her rooms.
Cleon flashed a smile. "You can count on it."
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Kel opened her door silently. It was around dinner time now, and she wanted to bathe and dress before she ate. Stepping into her room and closing the door, she undressed and found a bath ready for her. She had asked one of the servants to bring her water for her bath before she had talked to Cleon. She immersed herself into it, and for once, stopped thinking about her troubles.
After her bath, she dressed in a light blue tunic and breeches. Going over to her windows, she greeted the sparrows that flew happily to her fingers and shoulders.
"Now, now," she scolded them. "I just took a bath. Don't get me all dirty now." Shaking the birds off, she headed to the door when she saw an envelope jutting out from under the entranceway. Kel burrowed her brows.
'Odd,' she thought. 'I didn't see that before.'
She made her way over to the door and pulled out the envelope from under it. Recognizing Raoul's seal, she frowned. Opening the envelope, she unfolded the letter and began to read:
To my dearest Kel,
I had long ago promised myself that I would never write a letter like this. I swore to Mithros and the Goddess that I would not become another bumbling squire that wrote love letters to their unattainable sweethearts. However, I find that I am no longer a bumbling squire, but a bumbling knight.
Long have I sought for something real, something permanent. Long have I sought, and long have I failed. The closest I have ever found to something real, to love, if you may call it that, was Buri. She was what I wanted a woman to be: smart, funny, with a warrior's spirit and vigor. She was everything I wanted, and yet I could not be satisfied by her. We never took each other seriously, there were too many arguments. I could give you a number of reasons why it did not work out. However the main point is that it did not work out.
And then came you. Beautiful, smart, perfect you. I felt so lucky. I could not believe that I had been stupid enough as to not have realized what was under my nose in the first place. You always were close to me, my best friend at times. You truly did keep my sane during those unbearable years. When Buri left, you were the only thing that kept me anchored to this world. You, and the occasional joust.
I just don't want to loose you, Kel. I care too much to loose you now. If I lost you, I don't think I could bear it. You are everything I need. I refrain from using the word want, because want is not the appropriate word to use in this situation. I need you, Kel. I love you and I need you. I don't think I was ready to tell you before, but now I am. I love you.
Please, don't leave me in the dark about this. If you don't love me, I'll understand. But please, at least tell me. I need to know. Don't keep me guessing. Be the wonderful, perfect Kel you are and tell me before I get in too deep. Please.
There's so much left to say. I only regret that the remainder of my feelings could never be related into words. Then, maybe you could somehow, know...
I leave you with my love and my heart. And I beg of you, please don't break it.
With all my love,
Raoul
* ~ * ~ * ~ *
Ooooooo... I swear to God, I started crying when I was writing the letter. After I was finished, I called my friend up and started bawling on the phone. I get emotional at these sort of things... *breaks out into tears* Wahhh... I feel so bad for Raoul. I love him to death. Oh, and Kel's not mad at Cleon anymore. That's a good thing, unless you really don't like Cleon and want him to die. Then again, that can be arranged... Alanna's so very helpful, isn't she? *snorts* Anyways, please keep reviewing! I love it when you do. It's so nice, and gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. Similar to hot chocolate, actually. I said in the author's not last chapter that I wouldn't be able to post in about a week, but do not despair! I will be back and ready to write more! See, on vacation, all these ideas will pop into my head and then you won't have to worry about me having a lack of them. See? It's all good. Oh, and if anyone wants to know, I'm going to Southampton. Yay! So... anyways, I'll see you all ina about a week. Until then, review, and don't die! Um... yeah.
*~Cami~*
P.S. To Snow*flake: I took my sedative and it didn't work! I still started crying hysterically in the middle of my author's note! NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I should take a double dose...
P.P.S. If anyone caught the Mulin Rouge references, good for you!