Bitch Fight Battle Royale
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7, zoids, or Prozac or anything else except me & Tim.
Somewhere a TV turns on. . .
And now, two idiots, a boxing ring, and the cast of Final Fantasy 7 presents
BITCH FIGHT BATTLE ROYALE!
Tim (my imaginary announcer friend): Hello nonexistent viewers and welcome to Bitch Fight Battle Royale. Tonight's matches promise to make an interesting show, right Yashamon?
Me: Uh, yeah whatever. Okay, the first battle of tonight is an old rivalry, Tifa versus Scarlet. Let's look in on the ring.
In Ring. . .
Crowds: Blood! Death! Bitch Slapping!
Ref.: In corner one, we have the big titted, tiny brained. . . Tifa Lockheart!
Tifa walks in, Aeris is manager. Tifa gets in ring and starts to take off robe that she doesn't have.
Aeris: Tifa, your not wearing a robe like those boxers on TV!
Tifa: Oops! blushes starts putting clothes back on
Audience: drooling
Ref.: Uh. . .huh. Our next competitor is the one-and-only annoying bitch, Scarlet!
Scarlet gets into ring, Rufus is manager.
Audience: throws rotten fruit at Rufus
Rufus: HEY! Now I've got veggie stains on my coat! I'll have you all killed!
Rufus's hit men: throws rotten fruit at Rufus
Ref.: throws a tomato at Rufus Fighters ready?
Tifa and Scarlet point at each other: YOU!
Tifa: walks to center of the ring You bitch! I'm gonna kick your ass for slapping me in a gas chamber!
Scarlet: walks to center of ring Little lesbian! I'll bitch slap you to the ground!
Tifa: I'm a bi!
Ref.: Um. . . go?
Tifa: slaps Scarlet Take that pimp witch!
Scarlet: slaps Tifa Die gold-studded dyke! (A/N: thank you Knightmare)
Tifa: ARGH! YOUR GOIN DOWN! slaps Scarlet
Scarlet: You wanna piece of me lesbian?! slaps Tifa
Tifa: slaps Scarlet I'm a bisexual damnit!
Scarlet: slaps Tifa Lesbo! slaps Tifa Lesbo! slaps Tifa Lesbo! slaps Tifa Lesbo!
Tifa: FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M A BI! literally slaps Scarlet's face off There's a difference!
Ref.: Holy shit! You killed Scarlet! You Lesbian!
Tifa: raises hand menacingly
Ref.: cowers Uh, never mind. . . You win.
Back in announcer's box. . .
Me: Um. . . that was weird.
Tim: Your right, that was one hell of a fight.
Me: I said it was weird. . .
Tim: laughs I know, the last part cracked me up too.
Me: Something tells me your not listening to a word I say.
Tim: I know how much you like talking about the fights-
Me: I despise it.
Tim: -but we're gonna have to go to a commercial.
Me: GOOD!
.:Begin Commercials:.
Cloud: Hey, Vinnie, I found this product you might like!
Vincent: I hate everything, go away!
Sephiroth: You'll take it damn you!
Cloud and Sephiroth shove a 3000 ounce dose of Prozac down Vincent's throat.
Six months later with the patient
Vincent: That was the worst shit I ever took! However it gave me a mildly good outlook on life.
.:End Commercial:.
Tim: We're back and my that was one good commercial.
Me: Bull shit. The acting was terrible and that stuff gave me insomnia.(A/N: It's true)
Tim: Alright, on to round two, Palmer versus Cid.
Me: sarcastically Oh it's gonna be a long fight. It'll probably be super cool too.
Tim: Well, I think so to-
Me: YEAH-FUCKIN'- RIGHT! It'll take Cid two seconds to finish that fat bastard! All my money's on Cid!
Tim: It's a bet.
Me: Wuh?!
In the Ring. . .
Audience: PALMER! PALMER! PALMER!
Palmer jumps into the ring and farts.
Audience: passes out from stench
Cid gets in the ring.
Ref.: Alright, fight fair, no pooping on or eating your foe, got it Palmer? Go!
Cid jumps at palmer, Dragoon Lance first, but Palmer climbs on the corner- type thing and jumps on Cid.
Cid: back breaks Ack, medic!
Palmer: Say uncle or I'll fart up yer arse!
Cid: winces Ewww! UNCLE!
Ref.: Palmer wins!
Palmer: gets off Cid Ooooooooooh! Where's Yer Shiter? I got a wee turtle head pokin' out!
Back in announcer's box. . .
Me: That fight was disgusting, stupid, and harsh. Cid didn't even win!
Tim: You were right about one thing, the fight did only take two seconds, now pay up.
Me: hands over thirty six dollars mumbles about Austin Powers
Tim: flipping through cash Okeydoke, now for a commercial.
.:Begin Commercial:.
Sephiroth is in some building.
Sephiroth: Hello, I'm Sephiroth, and I'm here to represent Hair Twins Inc. starts walking around, in background are people with similar hair to each other I thought I was alone in the universe, the only man with cool silver hair. Then I came to Hair Twins Inc. I met this guy! grabs Prozen from Zoids
Prozen: Hi kids, I'm gonna take over the world like my good pal, Sephy. To meet your ideal hair twin call 1-555-4-dead-#s.
.:End Commercial:.
Me: Um. . . Yeah. . .
Tim: You said it Yashamon, The next match is definitely gonna be exciting, romantic, brave, and cool, minus the romantic: Sephiroth versus Clod.
Me: His name is Cloud.
Tim: That doesn't change the fact that he's as good at fighting as a clod of dirt.
Me: Oh, and I suppose you could do much better?
Tim: Yes! ^_^
Me:. . .Okay. . . On with the show.
In the Ring. . .
Cloud: skips into the ring in his dress and wig giggles
Sephiroth: whistles slaps Cloud's butt Hey sexy, you one of my cheer leaders?
Cloud: Grrrrrr! throws off wig It's me, Cloud!
Sephiroth: looks at hand I'm gonna have to get that thing sterilized! looks back at Cloud So why are you in a dress?
Cloud: Aeris stole my other out fit. . .
Sephiroth: Why don't you fight in your undies?
Cloud: Ewwww! No!
Sephiroth: I will if you will.
Cloud: Hell no yaoi-freak!
Ref.: This is getting weird, just fight.
Cloud: Okay, unsheathes Ultima Weapon you're goin' down Sephagget! charges Sephiroth
Sephiroth: Arise, Death Saurer! Death Saurer pops out of the ground Thank you hair-twin Prozen.
Prozen: smiles and waves
Cloud: manages to clip Death Saurer's toe claw Take that crappy anime!
Me: from announcer's box Cloud, your gonna pay!
Death Saurer: ROAR!!!!! fires charged particle gun at Cloud
Aeris: uses mastered Cover Materia gets blown to bits uses Final Attack/Mime Materia combo
All: Yay!
Death Saurer gets blown to bits.
All: BOO!!!
Cloud: Perfect! charges Sephiroth again
Sephiroth: Ha! You're no match for my evil mind powers! radiates psychic energy
Tim: from announcer's box Yay!
Me: from announcer's box Sephiroth, hold him still for me! jumps through glass and lands in ring
Sephiroth: Okay.
Cloud: is stuck in place because of Sephiroth's evil mind powers Help! I know what you're up to. Help, Rape!
Me: Wrongo! grabs masamune slashes Cloud Take that- slashes Cloud You evil- slashes Cloud Anime-hater! slashes Cloud
Ref .: That there was some weird shit! Sephiroth wins!
Tim: Cloud should have won.
Me: Shut up!
Tim: No, really I'm serious.
Me: through gritted teeth Grr! Join us next time for round 4, "Battle of the Bahamuts"
Tim: Go FF10 Bahamut!
Me: That's it, back to the dimension you came from! imagines Tim away
In Half-Life: Team Fortress. . .
Tim: Aw, Crap! runs for life from pyro
A/N: Weird, deranged, psycho and any other synonyms for abnormal describe this story.
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7, zoids, or Prozac or anything else except me & Tim.
Somewhere a TV turns on. . .
And now, two idiots, a boxing ring, and the cast of Final Fantasy 7 presents
BITCH FIGHT BATTLE ROYALE!
Tim (my imaginary announcer friend): Hello nonexistent viewers and welcome to Bitch Fight Battle Royale. Tonight's matches promise to make an interesting show, right Yashamon?
Me: Uh, yeah whatever. Okay, the first battle of tonight is an old rivalry, Tifa versus Scarlet. Let's look in on the ring.
In Ring. . .
Crowds: Blood! Death! Bitch Slapping!
Ref.: In corner one, we have the big titted, tiny brained. . . Tifa Lockheart!
Tifa walks in, Aeris is manager. Tifa gets in ring and starts to take off robe that she doesn't have.
Aeris: Tifa, your not wearing a robe like those boxers on TV!
Tifa: Oops! blushes starts putting clothes back on
Audience: drooling
Ref.: Uh. . .huh. Our next competitor is the one-and-only annoying bitch, Scarlet!
Scarlet gets into ring, Rufus is manager.
Audience: throws rotten fruit at Rufus
Rufus: HEY! Now I've got veggie stains on my coat! I'll have you all killed!
Rufus's hit men: throws rotten fruit at Rufus
Ref.: throws a tomato at Rufus Fighters ready?
Tifa and Scarlet point at each other: YOU!
Tifa: walks to center of the ring You bitch! I'm gonna kick your ass for slapping me in a gas chamber!
Scarlet: walks to center of ring Little lesbian! I'll bitch slap you to the ground!
Tifa: I'm a bi!
Ref.: Um. . . go?
Tifa: slaps Scarlet Take that pimp witch!
Scarlet: slaps Tifa Die gold-studded dyke! (A/N: thank you Knightmare)
Tifa: ARGH! YOUR GOIN DOWN! slaps Scarlet
Scarlet: You wanna piece of me lesbian?! slaps Tifa
Tifa: slaps Scarlet I'm a bisexual damnit!
Scarlet: slaps Tifa Lesbo! slaps Tifa Lesbo! slaps Tifa Lesbo! slaps Tifa Lesbo!
Tifa: FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M A BI! literally slaps Scarlet's face off There's a difference!
Ref.: Holy shit! You killed Scarlet! You Lesbian!
Tifa: raises hand menacingly
Ref.: cowers Uh, never mind. . . You win.
Back in announcer's box. . .
Me: Um. . . that was weird.
Tim: Your right, that was one hell of a fight.
Me: I said it was weird. . .
Tim: laughs I know, the last part cracked me up too.
Me: Something tells me your not listening to a word I say.
Tim: I know how much you like talking about the fights-
Me: I despise it.
Tim: -but we're gonna have to go to a commercial.
Me: GOOD!
.:Begin Commercials:.
Cloud: Hey, Vinnie, I found this product you might like!
Vincent: I hate everything, go away!
Sephiroth: You'll take it damn you!
Cloud and Sephiroth shove a 3000 ounce dose of Prozac down Vincent's throat.
Six months later with the patient
Vincent: That was the worst shit I ever took! However it gave me a mildly good outlook on life.
.:End Commercial:.
Tim: We're back and my that was one good commercial.
Me: Bull shit. The acting was terrible and that stuff gave me insomnia.(A/N: It's true)
Tim: Alright, on to round two, Palmer versus Cid.
Me: sarcastically Oh it's gonna be a long fight. It'll probably be super cool too.
Tim: Well, I think so to-
Me: YEAH-FUCKIN'- RIGHT! It'll take Cid two seconds to finish that fat bastard! All my money's on Cid!
Tim: It's a bet.
Me: Wuh?!
In the Ring. . .
Audience: PALMER! PALMER! PALMER!
Palmer jumps into the ring and farts.
Audience: passes out from stench
Cid gets in the ring.
Ref.: Alright, fight fair, no pooping on or eating your foe, got it Palmer? Go!
Cid jumps at palmer, Dragoon Lance first, but Palmer climbs on the corner- type thing and jumps on Cid.
Cid: back breaks Ack, medic!
Palmer: Say uncle or I'll fart up yer arse!
Cid: winces Ewww! UNCLE!
Ref.: Palmer wins!
Palmer: gets off Cid Ooooooooooh! Where's Yer Shiter? I got a wee turtle head pokin' out!
Back in announcer's box. . .
Me: That fight was disgusting, stupid, and harsh. Cid didn't even win!
Tim: You were right about one thing, the fight did only take two seconds, now pay up.
Me: hands over thirty six dollars mumbles about Austin Powers
Tim: flipping through cash Okeydoke, now for a commercial.
.:Begin Commercial:.
Sephiroth is in some building.
Sephiroth: Hello, I'm Sephiroth, and I'm here to represent Hair Twins Inc. starts walking around, in background are people with similar hair to each other I thought I was alone in the universe, the only man with cool silver hair. Then I came to Hair Twins Inc. I met this guy! grabs Prozen from Zoids
Prozen: Hi kids, I'm gonna take over the world like my good pal, Sephy. To meet your ideal hair twin call 1-555-4-dead-#s.
.:End Commercial:.
Me: Um. . . Yeah. . .
Tim: You said it Yashamon, The next match is definitely gonna be exciting, romantic, brave, and cool, minus the romantic: Sephiroth versus Clod.
Me: His name is Cloud.
Tim: That doesn't change the fact that he's as good at fighting as a clod of dirt.
Me: Oh, and I suppose you could do much better?
Tim: Yes! ^_^
Me:. . .Okay. . . On with the show.
In the Ring. . .
Cloud: skips into the ring in his dress and wig giggles
Sephiroth: whistles slaps Cloud's butt Hey sexy, you one of my cheer leaders?
Cloud: Grrrrrr! throws off wig It's me, Cloud!
Sephiroth: looks at hand I'm gonna have to get that thing sterilized! looks back at Cloud So why are you in a dress?
Cloud: Aeris stole my other out fit. . .
Sephiroth: Why don't you fight in your undies?
Cloud: Ewwww! No!
Sephiroth: I will if you will.
Cloud: Hell no yaoi-freak!
Ref.: This is getting weird, just fight.
Cloud: Okay, unsheathes Ultima Weapon you're goin' down Sephagget! charges Sephiroth
Sephiroth: Arise, Death Saurer! Death Saurer pops out of the ground Thank you hair-twin Prozen.
Prozen: smiles and waves
Cloud: manages to clip Death Saurer's toe claw Take that crappy anime!
Me: from announcer's box Cloud, your gonna pay!
Death Saurer: ROAR!!!!! fires charged particle gun at Cloud
Aeris: uses mastered Cover Materia gets blown to bits uses Final Attack/Mime Materia combo
All: Yay!
Death Saurer gets blown to bits.
All: BOO!!!
Cloud: Perfect! charges Sephiroth again
Sephiroth: Ha! You're no match for my evil mind powers! radiates psychic energy
Tim: from announcer's box Yay!
Me: from announcer's box Sephiroth, hold him still for me! jumps through glass and lands in ring
Sephiroth: Okay.
Cloud: is stuck in place because of Sephiroth's evil mind powers Help! I know what you're up to. Help, Rape!
Me: Wrongo! grabs masamune slashes Cloud Take that- slashes Cloud You evil- slashes Cloud Anime-hater! slashes Cloud
Ref .: That there was some weird shit! Sephiroth wins!
Tim: Cloud should have won.
Me: Shut up!
Tim: No, really I'm serious.
Me: through gritted teeth Grr! Join us next time for round 4, "Battle of the Bahamuts"
Tim: Go FF10 Bahamut!
Me: That's it, back to the dimension you came from! imagines Tim away
In Half-Life: Team Fortress. . .
Tim: Aw, Crap! runs for life from pyro
A/N: Weird, deranged, psycho and any other synonyms for abnormal describe this story.