Oy! What am I *doing*?!!? I've migrated to yet *another* fandom, and now
I'm trying my hand at humor... Ah, well... Read and Review, chaps and
chapesses--lumme know what you think!
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Disclaimer: I own nothing except the pictures in my head
Warning: Hmm... no warnings! Nothing but good, clean (slightly warped) humor! Oh... maybe a little language, but that's nothing new, is it?
Author: Kasey
Archive: Not unless I send it to you.
Status: Unedited, incomplete? Dunno, should I write more?
Key: /italics/ and *emphasis*
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~"It all started..."~
Part 1: "Hogwarts, a Hiss-story" or "Much Adder About Nothing"
---
It all started in the Slytherin dormitories. It seemed that Hiss, Draco's pet king cobra, was sick.
"He won't eat, he's turning gray, and he hardly moves. *You're* a mediwitch--make him better," Draco commanded the Hogwarts resident doctor.
Madam Pomfrey examined Hiss carefully. Indeed, she was worried about the reptile's health. The last time Draco had brought the unpleasant thing into her infirmary, it had bitten her and two of her staff. This time, however, Hiss lay sort of on his side, staring blearily at nothing through milky-filmed eyes and not moving any more than the occasional flick of the tongue.
"Well," Pomfrey sighed, "I understand your concern, Mister Malfoy." She waved a scented vial in front of the snake's flickering tongue, and was disappointed by the lack of response. "I can find nothing physically wrong with him. Except for being slightly malnourished, and the slight graying, he's perfectly healthy."
"What if someone's hexed him?" Draco fumed. "What if-"
"I can check," Pomfrey cut in. "As a matter of fact, I can ask Professor Flitwick to come check him for more advanced curses, as soon as his current class ends. But *do* please be quiet. There are other patients in here who need restful surroundings."
Still irate, Draco grudgingly agreed to waiting for Professor Flitwick. Not that he was happy about letting *anyone* examine his cobra, but if enduring the indignity would help Hiss, then they would have to endure.
~~~~~
"I'm sorry, Mister Malfoy," Professor Flitwick apologized, "But I simply cannot find *any* sign of hexing or cursing. I'm afraid your snake is simply sick."
Refusing to reply to such obvious inaptitude, Draco picked up Hiss and stormed angrily out of the infirmary. "Don't worry," he murmured to the catatonic snake draped over his shoulder, "I'll find *someone* to get you better, even if I have to send to London for a proper doctor."
"Ooh, Draco!" Pansy Parkinson dashed out of her last class of the day, and immediately began simpering over one very unlucky blond wizard and his even unluckier king cobra. "Poor, *poor* Hiss," she pouted as they walked back to the Slytherin dormitories. "I'll bet one of those terrible Gryffindors did this, didn't they. Oh, poor Hiss. I'm sure you'll feel better when you get back to your nice, comfy tank in the dungeons, won't you, you poor thing..."
~~~~~
The next happenstance was, much to Draco's dismay, the Terrible Trio discovered that something was wrong.
It was breakfast, and Hermione was frowning across the table.
"Whuffa maffer?" Ron asked, his mouth full of porridge. "Fomfim wom?"
Hermione arched an eyebrow at him. "You mean, aside from your eating habits?" Ron finished chewing and glared at her. "Actually, I was wondering if either of you had noticed that Malfoy's been distracted lately."
Nabbing a plate of sausages as it was passed down the table, Harry shrugged. "He hasn't been spreading any new rumors. Not that I've heard of, anyhow. Is that what you mean?"
"No, no... not that. It's just that..." she arched her neck, trying to keep an eye on the blond boy across the Hufflepuff table. "Well, he's not been speaking up in Potions, haven't you noticed? And aside from not tormenting Harry, he's just looking... well, depressed, if you ask me."
"I didn't," Ron grumbled sleepily into a goblet of juice.
"You did so," Hermione responded primly. "I *distinctly* heard you garble the words 'something' and 'wrong' in such a way that they formed an inquiring sentence."
Harry snickered, and looked over his shoulder at Malfoy, who was prodding something yellow back and forth across his plate and generally looking disinterested in the concept of food.
At the Slytherin table, Draco was nudged by one of his classmates. "Don't look now, Malfoy, but the Gryffindor hero's taking an interest in your eggs."
Draco immediately looked up and snarled at one Boy Who Lived. The black- haired boy merely sniffed and turned back towards Hermione.
"You're right, 'Mione," Harry agreed. "Something's up. And this time, I don't even think it's me."
~~~~~
One would never have guessed, but there was one Griffindor who was practically a magnet for school gossip. A Gryffindor *boy*, even.
Neville Longbottom.
Being quiet and generally keeping to the back of the class, Neville tended to pick up on stray pieces of conversation and rumors that usually were quite useless.
Unless he wanted help with his homework, of course.
When Harry, Ron, and Hermione found Neville, he was sitting in a chair in front of the Gryffindor fireplace, with Seamus Finnigan all but begging for a piece of information. The common room was empty except for them.
"C'mon, Neville, *please* tell me what she said? I mean... it's not like I meant to, but it happened, and I can't go back and undo it, so I *have* to know what she thinks!" Seamus looked up in time to see the three friends staring at him. He paled. "Eh... heh," he squeaked, jumping up. "Look, uh... Neville. Buddy. Just, um... ask for help with that Potions assignment any time, okay? I... have to go. Oh, hey Ron, Harry. Hullo Hermione! Nice afternoon, isn't it? Too bad I've got *so* much homework to do... bye!"
And he was gone.
Neville sighed. "It's no wonder I'm failing potions," he moaned.
Hermione grinned at Ron and Harry. "Oh, Neville," she sang, her voice light. "*I* can help you with that Potions assignment--I've already finished it."
Neville's eyebrows rose. "Would you?" He glanced down at the heavy Potions text in his lap. From what Ron and Harry could see, the pages had been highlighted in red ink--from top to bottom. "I'll never pass the O.W.L.'s..."
"Sure you will," Hermione said, sitting on the arm of Neville's chair. "You spelled 'anemone' wrong, by the way. Oh, and the assignment's for pages 400 to 420, not 424 to 440. That's for next week."
"Oh." Neville blushed, and flipped a few pages in the text. "Is there... um, something I can help you with?"
Hermione's smile was even warmer than the fireplace. "Tell us *everything* you know about Malfoy, currently."
Neville frowned. "Well, not much. I did overhear Parvati telling Lavender that her sister in Ravenclaw had heard from Justin in Hufflepuff that he'd heard one of the seventh-year's talking to a Ravenclaw who's girlfriend's in Slytherin and said that she'd overheard Zabini telling Bulstrode that Malfoy's pet snake is sick."
Harry, Ron, and Hermione stared at him.
"Uhm... could you repeat that?" Harry asked weakly.
~~~~~
"Who'd've thought that Malfoy would get so broken-hearted over a sick snake?" Hermione mused as they walked to dinner that evening, late as usual. "I mean, really... it's just a snake."
"Well, imagine how you'd feel if Crookshanks went and got sick," Harry pointed out. "Remember what Ron was like about Scabbers in third year... I mean, before Scabbers turned out to be Wormtail."
Ron nodded. "Yeah... I guess you really have to feel a little sorry for him. That snake's probably the only friend he's got, after all--yowch!"
Hermione pulled her elbow out of Ron's ribs. "You're ridiculous! And anyhow, what's the big deal, after all? I haven't seen anything that Madam Pomfrey can't cure--"
"Except for loudmouthed mudbloods," came a drawling voice behind them. "Or the nasty habit you Gryffindors have for completely blockading hallways."
Ron glared at Draco. "Aw, what's your problem anyhow, Malfoy?" Draco sneered at him.
"I merely want to get to the dining hall to eat before the sight of *you* three makes me lose my appetite completely," the Slytherin sniffed, sweeping past them and being careful to keep his robes from touching any of them.
"~Sssssssighhh.....~"
"Huh?" Harry blinked, and looked around. "Who said that."
"~Ssssssoooooo bored...~"
Looking around again, Harry realized that the sound was coming from Draco's retreating figure. It only took him a moment to understand.
"Malfoy!"
Draco spun around. "What do you want, Potter?" he asked, spitting out Harry's name.
"Um... are you... taking your... snake... to dinner?" Harry asked, tentatively.
Draco glowered, but now the three Gryffindors could clearly see that one of his sleeves appeared much larger than the other. And it was wriggling.
"Ew. Looks like that time Lockheart dissolved Harry's arm," Ron commented queasily.
"Nobody asked you, Weasley," Draco retorted. "Hiss! Stop moving." In response, the writhing bulge in his sleeve moved even more, disappearing up his arm and into his robes. "Hiss!!"
Harry, Ron, and Hermione watched, bemused, as Draco grappled with his robes for a minute before pulling a rather large snake out from under his shirt.
"That's a king cobra!" Hermione whispered.
"What's wrong with you?" Draco hissed at Hiss. "You hardly move in a *week* and *now* you're acting like you've got ants under your scales."
"~Ssssssoooo bored...~"
"It says it's bored," Harry said.
Ron blinked at him. "Eh... repeat that without the hissing bit, 'kay Harry?"
It took Harry a moment to realize that he'd spoken in Parseltongue. "Oh... um, well, it says it's bored. The snake."
"Why on *earth* should he be bored?" Draco sneered. "He's got everything a snake could possibly want--"
"~Why are you bored?~" Harry asked the snake, ignoring Draco.
"~No girl-sssssssssnakes,~" Hiss replied.
Harry snickered. Hiss did the reptilian equivalent of rolling his eyes. "~Why do you want a girl-snake?~" Harry inquired. "~Why now? Why not before?~"
"~Sssssssstrange food.~"
"~Something you ate?~"
"~Tasssssssted funny.~"
"~And then...?"
"~Wanted girl-ssssssnake.~"
"~Oh...~" Harry thought for a moment. "Oh!" Hermione, Ron, and Draco looked at Harry, completely confused. "I bet it was that pepper-up potion we were working on, last week! Don't you remember--if you put the mouse fur in before the blue-jay feathers, it becomes a love potion, instead!"
The other three merely stared at him. "Huh?"
"Hiss!" Harry exclaimed. "Hiss! Hisss, hiss, hisss hiss hissss! Hisss!"
"IN ENGLISH!!" the other three shouted.
"It's the snake!" Harry repeated. "He says he ate something that tasted funny, and then he started wanting a girl-snake. I bet that someone made the wrong potion on accident, and dumped it in the snake tank to hide it! And because it's made for humans, the snake reacted differently. Or maybe they banished it, and it appeared in his food dish. Or maybe--"
"Harry!" Hermione cut him off. "Are you telling us--"
"--That *my* snake," Draco cut in--
"--Is lovesick?" Ron finished.
Harry nodded. "That's the long and short of it, I think." He turned to Hiss. "~So, you'll feel better if we just find you a girlfriend, right?~"
"~Yessssss,~" Hiss replied. "~Exssssssept...~"
"~Yes?~"
"~You need to work on you accssssssent,~" Hiss sniffed--or the reptilian equivalent thereof. "~You have an atrocsssssssiousssss *lissssssssp*!~"
Harry chuckled. "~Ah... yeah. I'll work on it.~" He looked back up at his friends, and Draco. "Hisss hisssssss hiss," he announced happily. "Hissss, Hiss hissss hissss."
A few moments later, after the Jelly-Legs curse had worn off--"And let that be a warning to you," Hermione had said--Harry glared at the other three.
"What I *sssssaid* was that all we need to do now is find a girl-sssssnake. Then, Hissss will be perfectly happy."
"Oh."
"Brilliant, Potter," Draco sighed. "And *where*, exactly, do you expect to be able to find a snake, *right now*?"
"And a cobra, at that," Hermione added.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at each other and nodded. "Hagrid!"
~~~~~
Next chapter? "Goin' On A Snake-Hunt" (i.e.: Gods help us, it doesn't end, here!)
Thanks for reading!
KASEY
---
Disclaimer: I own nothing except the pictures in my head
Warning: Hmm... no warnings! Nothing but good, clean (slightly warped) humor! Oh... maybe a little language, but that's nothing new, is it?
Author: Kasey
Archive: Not unless I send it to you.
Status: Unedited, incomplete? Dunno, should I write more?
Key: /italics/ and *emphasis*
---
~"It all started..."~
Part 1: "Hogwarts, a Hiss-story" or "Much Adder About Nothing"
---
It all started in the Slytherin dormitories. It seemed that Hiss, Draco's pet king cobra, was sick.
"He won't eat, he's turning gray, and he hardly moves. *You're* a mediwitch--make him better," Draco commanded the Hogwarts resident doctor.
Madam Pomfrey examined Hiss carefully. Indeed, she was worried about the reptile's health. The last time Draco had brought the unpleasant thing into her infirmary, it had bitten her and two of her staff. This time, however, Hiss lay sort of on his side, staring blearily at nothing through milky-filmed eyes and not moving any more than the occasional flick of the tongue.
"Well," Pomfrey sighed, "I understand your concern, Mister Malfoy." She waved a scented vial in front of the snake's flickering tongue, and was disappointed by the lack of response. "I can find nothing physically wrong with him. Except for being slightly malnourished, and the slight graying, he's perfectly healthy."
"What if someone's hexed him?" Draco fumed. "What if-"
"I can check," Pomfrey cut in. "As a matter of fact, I can ask Professor Flitwick to come check him for more advanced curses, as soon as his current class ends. But *do* please be quiet. There are other patients in here who need restful surroundings."
Still irate, Draco grudgingly agreed to waiting for Professor Flitwick. Not that he was happy about letting *anyone* examine his cobra, but if enduring the indignity would help Hiss, then they would have to endure.
~~~~~
"I'm sorry, Mister Malfoy," Professor Flitwick apologized, "But I simply cannot find *any* sign of hexing or cursing. I'm afraid your snake is simply sick."
Refusing to reply to such obvious inaptitude, Draco picked up Hiss and stormed angrily out of the infirmary. "Don't worry," he murmured to the catatonic snake draped over his shoulder, "I'll find *someone* to get you better, even if I have to send to London for a proper doctor."
"Ooh, Draco!" Pansy Parkinson dashed out of her last class of the day, and immediately began simpering over one very unlucky blond wizard and his even unluckier king cobra. "Poor, *poor* Hiss," she pouted as they walked back to the Slytherin dormitories. "I'll bet one of those terrible Gryffindors did this, didn't they. Oh, poor Hiss. I'm sure you'll feel better when you get back to your nice, comfy tank in the dungeons, won't you, you poor thing..."
~~~~~
The next happenstance was, much to Draco's dismay, the Terrible Trio discovered that something was wrong.
It was breakfast, and Hermione was frowning across the table.
"Whuffa maffer?" Ron asked, his mouth full of porridge. "Fomfim wom?"
Hermione arched an eyebrow at him. "You mean, aside from your eating habits?" Ron finished chewing and glared at her. "Actually, I was wondering if either of you had noticed that Malfoy's been distracted lately."
Nabbing a plate of sausages as it was passed down the table, Harry shrugged. "He hasn't been spreading any new rumors. Not that I've heard of, anyhow. Is that what you mean?"
"No, no... not that. It's just that..." she arched her neck, trying to keep an eye on the blond boy across the Hufflepuff table. "Well, he's not been speaking up in Potions, haven't you noticed? And aside from not tormenting Harry, he's just looking... well, depressed, if you ask me."
"I didn't," Ron grumbled sleepily into a goblet of juice.
"You did so," Hermione responded primly. "I *distinctly* heard you garble the words 'something' and 'wrong' in such a way that they formed an inquiring sentence."
Harry snickered, and looked over his shoulder at Malfoy, who was prodding something yellow back and forth across his plate and generally looking disinterested in the concept of food.
At the Slytherin table, Draco was nudged by one of his classmates. "Don't look now, Malfoy, but the Gryffindor hero's taking an interest in your eggs."
Draco immediately looked up and snarled at one Boy Who Lived. The black- haired boy merely sniffed and turned back towards Hermione.
"You're right, 'Mione," Harry agreed. "Something's up. And this time, I don't even think it's me."
~~~~~
One would never have guessed, but there was one Griffindor who was practically a magnet for school gossip. A Gryffindor *boy*, even.
Neville Longbottom.
Being quiet and generally keeping to the back of the class, Neville tended to pick up on stray pieces of conversation and rumors that usually were quite useless.
Unless he wanted help with his homework, of course.
When Harry, Ron, and Hermione found Neville, he was sitting in a chair in front of the Gryffindor fireplace, with Seamus Finnigan all but begging for a piece of information. The common room was empty except for them.
"C'mon, Neville, *please* tell me what she said? I mean... it's not like I meant to, but it happened, and I can't go back and undo it, so I *have* to know what she thinks!" Seamus looked up in time to see the three friends staring at him. He paled. "Eh... heh," he squeaked, jumping up. "Look, uh... Neville. Buddy. Just, um... ask for help with that Potions assignment any time, okay? I... have to go. Oh, hey Ron, Harry. Hullo Hermione! Nice afternoon, isn't it? Too bad I've got *so* much homework to do... bye!"
And he was gone.
Neville sighed. "It's no wonder I'm failing potions," he moaned.
Hermione grinned at Ron and Harry. "Oh, Neville," she sang, her voice light. "*I* can help you with that Potions assignment--I've already finished it."
Neville's eyebrows rose. "Would you?" He glanced down at the heavy Potions text in his lap. From what Ron and Harry could see, the pages had been highlighted in red ink--from top to bottom. "I'll never pass the O.W.L.'s..."
"Sure you will," Hermione said, sitting on the arm of Neville's chair. "You spelled 'anemone' wrong, by the way. Oh, and the assignment's for pages 400 to 420, not 424 to 440. That's for next week."
"Oh." Neville blushed, and flipped a few pages in the text. "Is there... um, something I can help you with?"
Hermione's smile was even warmer than the fireplace. "Tell us *everything* you know about Malfoy, currently."
Neville frowned. "Well, not much. I did overhear Parvati telling Lavender that her sister in Ravenclaw had heard from Justin in Hufflepuff that he'd heard one of the seventh-year's talking to a Ravenclaw who's girlfriend's in Slytherin and said that she'd overheard Zabini telling Bulstrode that Malfoy's pet snake is sick."
Harry, Ron, and Hermione stared at him.
"Uhm... could you repeat that?" Harry asked weakly.
~~~~~
"Who'd've thought that Malfoy would get so broken-hearted over a sick snake?" Hermione mused as they walked to dinner that evening, late as usual. "I mean, really... it's just a snake."
"Well, imagine how you'd feel if Crookshanks went and got sick," Harry pointed out. "Remember what Ron was like about Scabbers in third year... I mean, before Scabbers turned out to be Wormtail."
Ron nodded. "Yeah... I guess you really have to feel a little sorry for him. That snake's probably the only friend he's got, after all--yowch!"
Hermione pulled her elbow out of Ron's ribs. "You're ridiculous! And anyhow, what's the big deal, after all? I haven't seen anything that Madam Pomfrey can't cure--"
"Except for loudmouthed mudbloods," came a drawling voice behind them. "Or the nasty habit you Gryffindors have for completely blockading hallways."
Ron glared at Draco. "Aw, what's your problem anyhow, Malfoy?" Draco sneered at him.
"I merely want to get to the dining hall to eat before the sight of *you* three makes me lose my appetite completely," the Slytherin sniffed, sweeping past them and being careful to keep his robes from touching any of them.
"~Sssssssighhh.....~"
"Huh?" Harry blinked, and looked around. "Who said that."
"~Ssssssoooooo bored...~"
Looking around again, Harry realized that the sound was coming from Draco's retreating figure. It only took him a moment to understand.
"Malfoy!"
Draco spun around. "What do you want, Potter?" he asked, spitting out Harry's name.
"Um... are you... taking your... snake... to dinner?" Harry asked, tentatively.
Draco glowered, but now the three Gryffindors could clearly see that one of his sleeves appeared much larger than the other. And it was wriggling.
"Ew. Looks like that time Lockheart dissolved Harry's arm," Ron commented queasily.
"Nobody asked you, Weasley," Draco retorted. "Hiss! Stop moving." In response, the writhing bulge in his sleeve moved even more, disappearing up his arm and into his robes. "Hiss!!"
Harry, Ron, and Hermione watched, bemused, as Draco grappled with his robes for a minute before pulling a rather large snake out from under his shirt.
"That's a king cobra!" Hermione whispered.
"What's wrong with you?" Draco hissed at Hiss. "You hardly move in a *week* and *now* you're acting like you've got ants under your scales."
"~Ssssssoooo bored...~"
"It says it's bored," Harry said.
Ron blinked at him. "Eh... repeat that without the hissing bit, 'kay Harry?"
It took Harry a moment to realize that he'd spoken in Parseltongue. "Oh... um, well, it says it's bored. The snake."
"Why on *earth* should he be bored?" Draco sneered. "He's got everything a snake could possibly want--"
"~Why are you bored?~" Harry asked the snake, ignoring Draco.
"~No girl-sssssssssnakes,~" Hiss replied.
Harry snickered. Hiss did the reptilian equivalent of rolling his eyes. "~Why do you want a girl-snake?~" Harry inquired. "~Why now? Why not before?~"
"~Sssssssstrange food.~"
"~Something you ate?~"
"~Tasssssssted funny.~"
"~And then...?"
"~Wanted girl-ssssssnake.~"
"~Oh...~" Harry thought for a moment. "Oh!" Hermione, Ron, and Draco looked at Harry, completely confused. "I bet it was that pepper-up potion we were working on, last week! Don't you remember--if you put the mouse fur in before the blue-jay feathers, it becomes a love potion, instead!"
The other three merely stared at him. "Huh?"
"Hiss!" Harry exclaimed. "Hiss! Hisss, hiss, hisss hiss hissss! Hisss!"
"IN ENGLISH!!" the other three shouted.
"It's the snake!" Harry repeated. "He says he ate something that tasted funny, and then he started wanting a girl-snake. I bet that someone made the wrong potion on accident, and dumped it in the snake tank to hide it! And because it's made for humans, the snake reacted differently. Or maybe they banished it, and it appeared in his food dish. Or maybe--"
"Harry!" Hermione cut him off. "Are you telling us--"
"--That *my* snake," Draco cut in--
"--Is lovesick?" Ron finished.
Harry nodded. "That's the long and short of it, I think." He turned to Hiss. "~So, you'll feel better if we just find you a girlfriend, right?~"
"~Yessssss,~" Hiss replied. "~Exssssssept...~"
"~Yes?~"
"~You need to work on you accssssssent,~" Hiss sniffed--or the reptilian equivalent thereof. "~You have an atrocsssssssiousssss *lissssssssp*!~"
Harry chuckled. "~Ah... yeah. I'll work on it.~" He looked back up at his friends, and Draco. "Hisss hisssssss hiss," he announced happily. "Hissss, Hiss hissss hissss."
A few moments later, after the Jelly-Legs curse had worn off--"And let that be a warning to you," Hermione had said--Harry glared at the other three.
"What I *sssssaid* was that all we need to do now is find a girl-sssssnake. Then, Hissss will be perfectly happy."
"Oh."
"Brilliant, Potter," Draco sighed. "And *where*, exactly, do you expect to be able to find a snake, *right now*?"
"And a cobra, at that," Hermione added.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at each other and nodded. "Hagrid!"
~~~~~
Next chapter? "Goin' On A Snake-Hunt" (i.e.: Gods help us, it doesn't end, here!)
Thanks for reading!
KASEY