3, How to Say Good-bye
„Ah Serene." Dumbledore's voice came from the small adjoining cabinet. „Please sit down. I'll be with you in a moment."
Serene took a seat, drew her wand and cared for tea and sweets as she'd always done at the beginning of her counselling hour. Now this was one of the moments when she just loved to be a witch, she thought. Laurel might hate to "cook" with wand and spell, but for Serene it still was heaven. No need to watch water boil, no need to search for teabags. Small blessings, she thought, but blessings nonetheless. She conjured a little extra icing on Dumbledore's cup-cakes, and waited.
Eventually the Headmaster entered the room, and at her surprised stare took off the Sorting hat.
"We had something to talk about," he remarked casually and sat the hat back onto its shelf.
"You … talk … with that hat?" Serene frowned and poured him some tea.
Dumbledore nodded. "He has been around much longer than anyone else and he remembers every student who ever passed through this school." Smiling he admired the beautifully decorated cakes. "Everyone but you, if I remember correctly."
Serene smirked. "The hat could not sort Laurel into any of the houses and so you decreed none of the mature students should have a house," she reminded him. "I was terribly disappointed then."
"Which house would you have chosen?" The blue eyes twinkled when the old wizard smoothed his hair and put up his own pointy hat again.
"Slytherin, I guess."
"Indeed." He nodded. „I'd have thought so."
"I admired Snape, a lot," admitted Serene and felt very old all of a sudden. Had it been really only three years since she'd stood in the Great Hall for the very first time? "And I thought, all I wanted was to learn as much about the Dark Arts as I could."
"And has this changed?"
She shrugged. "I have learned a lot, even out of Slytherin. And I am less naïve than I was then." Forcing herself to snap out of her sentimental mood, she asked: "What did you … and the hat … talk about?"
"Just something a student said to me a long time ago. Something I was reminded of during the last days when I dealt with Draco Malfoy."
Serene inclined her head. "Malfoy? He worries me."
"Does he? Some teachers say he is only a spoilt brat and needs more discipline."
"Oh, he is, absolutely! But there is something in his eyes," she tried to find the right words, "Something desperate. Like a small animal that is cornered and sees no escape route."
Dumbledore rose an eyebrow. "That is a very accurate assessment of Mr. Malfoy's state, my dear girl. What makes you believe that you are no good teacher?"
She blushed. "You talked to Claire!" she accused, a little disappointed that Claire had told him about their conversation.
"No, I did not. It is all too obvious. But tell me that your friend thinks about your self-doubts."
"She offered me financial help to set up my own fashion line." Serene saw with satisfaction how surprise flickered over his kind face.
"A fashion line …" Dumbledore mused. "Would that provide socks, too?"
Serene laughed openly. Somehow he always succeeded to make her laugh. On the other hand he was quite good at making her cry as well.
Chewing her thumbnail, she desperately tried to think up an inconspicuous theme of conversation, only to blurt out: "Ben Olsen ambushed me in the forest last week."
The Headmaster was silent for a long time, then he exhaled with a sigh. "I was wondering, how long it would take you to tell me."
"You knew?"
"I am the Headmaster of this school," he said mildly and polished his glasses with the hem of his sleeve. "There are not many things that escape my vigilance. At least I hope so."
"Ben asked me to join him." Serene looked straight ahead.
"Him or Voldemort?"
She paled. "Him, I guess. He said we were made for each other. But in the end it doesn't make a difference, does it? "
"I am afraid you are right. They both mean Darkness." Dumbledore's face had gone all serious. "But tell me, why would Mr. Olsen think you'd consider going with him?"
Serene closed her eyes. She knew the answer, had heard it whisper in her soul for years, but had never said it aloud. But now had come the time to face the truth.
"Because I am evil."
Her breath came in shallow gasps, and when Dumbledore reached for her hand in sudden worry, it was cold and clammy.
"Serene?" he asked gently. "Won't you eventually tell me what is going on?"
So Serene came clear.
After she'd ceased talking, they both sat in silence. After a few minutes Dumbledore got up and went to his desk, where he rummaged in a drawer and returned with a dust-covered bottle. He poured golden liquid into two heavy glass goblets and passed one to Serene. She emptied the glass in one gulp and spent the next minute coughing her heart up.
"Are you sure that you interpreted the situation correctly," asked Dumbledore, while he patted her on the back.
Serene nodded, still out of breath. "I told you all I saw. You may judge yourself."
"Who knows about this?"
"Just you and me." She closed her eyes in sudden realisation. "And Ben. He doesn't know in detail, but ..."
"You know this is not inevitable."
"I know that, yes." Serene held on to the carved armrests of the chair so hard her knuckles went white. "And believe me, I will not let it happen. That is why … why I …" She barely stifled a sob.
"Why you keep rejecting Remus Lupin."
"Yes."
"My dear girl, I really admire your courage and your determination. But I also see how unhappy you are. And how desperate Lupin is."
She rose from her chair, slow and reluctantly like an old woman. "What is my happiness, even Remus' happiness, compared to what is going to happen if I let the vision come true?"
"I am a few years older than you, Serene, and I can only tell you that more evil has generated from personal unhappiness than from dark intentions. People who are unhappy tend to take drastic decisions, and drastic decisions let people forget that in the end it is not the goal, but the way that counts." He raised both hands to cut off her protest. "What I want you to think about, is that by trying to prevent the catastrophy, you might actually promote it. Allow yourself a little happiness. Allow Remus to love you."
She thought about it, but shook her head wearily. "I can't take the risk, Albus. I just can't."
"I knew you'd say that," he smiled sadly. "So you will leave us?"
Serene swallowed hard and felt that her throat was nothing but a big knot. "After Halloween. I'll make sure Sybil can take over my classes by then."
Two more weeks, she thought when she left the circular office. Two more weeks, and Remus had not yet forgiven her that she'd hit him two weeks ago. Chances to make up with him until she had to leave were spare.
When the spiral staircase transported her to the lower level, she was still lost in thought, stepped off without looking - and ran straight into the object of her musing.
"Remus." She blushed when she noticed that she stood so close to him there wasn't room for a sheet of parchment between them.
"Serene." His voice was just as cool and polite as it had been since the dreadful evening in the Astronomy classroom. But he was close enough so she could see once again how long his eye-lashes were. Way too long for a wizard, she thought dreamily, and still it was a very male face. Straight nose, high cheekbones. She had never even touched his face before that kiss …
Remus raised his hand. "There is something about your hair …"
She flinched.
Gently he let the little ladybird crawl onto his finger. Serene watched how the insect spread its wings and flew away. With his words she had expected yet another remark about her hair, but then Remus was not Ben. Not in any way.
"Remus … I am sorry. I mean I am sorry about hitting you." She clenched her fists and couldn't believe the nonsense she kept babbling. "I did not mean to …"
He bowed his head. "Why did you do it then?"
Serene took a deep breath. Was this the day of painful confessions? "Everybody knew about the plan. Everybody but me."
"So you were just miffed that I left you in the dark?" he asked bitterly.
"No! Damn it," she hissed, suddenly angry because he made it so hard for her. "I was not … miffed! I was worried. And as I said before, I am sorry I hit you."
His eyes searched hers.
"And I am sorry I kissed you."
Even as he said it he knew she would not take the words as they were intended. And before he could say anything else, before he could explain that this first kiss should have been a declaration of love, not of hurt feelings, Serene ran down the corridor. Remus sighed and went his ways, followed by an overexcited Peeves, who was anxious to spread the news about the latest fight between the two Professors.
* * *
"Oh well, this is just what I expected of you, Serene Kennedy."
Minerva McGonagall's voice cut like a cold blade through Serene's numbness. She'd been packing all day long, keeping her door carefully closed, so nobody would see her prepare for leaving. It was the afternoon of Halloween and the castle hummed with the excitement of students getting ready for the traditional feast. The Great Hall was already decorated with scary looking pumpkins, flocks of bats that danced over the tables. Blueish will-o'-the- wisps flickered in the hallway. Normally Halloween would be one of Serene's favourite events, but not this year. She'd be leaving tomorrow.
All October long Remus and she had not exchanged any words but the few at the foot of Dumbledore's stairs. His remark that he regretted the kiss still hurt like a festering wound.
But she had no right to complain, had she? No right to demand any explanations, any commitment, when she'd been the one pushing him away all that time. And it was her fault, her weakness to not have pushed him further, harder. She gave herself a mocking scowl in the mirror. Beautiful. By now even Remus Lupin should have noticed that beauty only went skin- deep.
In the mirror she saw Professor McGonagall standing in the door.
Serene turned around reluctantly. McGonagall never bore good news ... at least not where she was concerned. "What do you want?"
She was not in the mood for niceties lately.
Minerva puckered her lips and threw a stern glance at the bags and trunks. "So it is true. You are leaving."
"Tomorrow morning with the Express."
"Did you ever spare a thought what this will do to Remus Lupin?"
Serene clenched her hands around a shawl. "Yes."
"And? Does it please you to think how he'll ache when he learns that you are gone?"
The younger witch sat down on the bed and faced McGonagall's anger with a pale face.
"You never liked me." Her voice was very low.
"This is not about dislike," spat the Deputy headmistress. "I knew from the first moment you were hiding things. And lets not forget your regrettable list of achievements." She counted them off her fingers. "Attempted murder. Poisoning. Kidnapping."
Serene did not try to defend herself. "Yes."
Annoyed Minerva crossed her arms over her flat chest. "Even if you had your good reasons as you claim, I think that should have sufficed to expel you from the mature students course."
"Yes."
"But Dumbledore believes in second chances, so we put up with you. The students like you, I'll give you that. But they liked Lockhart as well."
Serene shrugged. She had never aspired to gain the sympathy of her classes.
"But," Minerva continued, "what was your good reason for enticing Lupin? Vanity? Or were you just bored?"
"I never ...," Serene's head shot up. "I never encouraged his advances. And it is not your business, anyway."
"Well, contrary to you I care about Remus. We saw him arrive at Hogwarts, Albus and I, many years ago, when he was just a shy little boy. And so incredibly brave. I watched him grow, and fight to become the wizard he is now. I will not let you destroy all he achieved."
Serene ducked her head as if McGonagall had hit her. Suddenly she reminded Minerva of a scared child, and for a moment she felt sorry for the young witch.
"I care for him as well," Serene whispered.
"But you still plan to leave without telling him?"
"It is better for him!" Serene insisted. "I'll be gone and he will forget about me after a while."
"He is a werewolf, for Merlin's sake!" thundered the Professor. "He can't just forget you. Or can you forget your red hair? It is part of you."
Serene trembled. "What do you expect me to do?"
"He is a decent man. He deserves an explanation at least." Minerva sighed and sat down next to Serene. Awkwardly patting her hand, she spoke without looking at the young witch. "If you tell him what's wrong, why you can't love him ..."
"I can't tell him." Serene's eyes filled with tears. "I can't. He'll despise me."
"Well," McGonagall sneered, "it is all about you again, isn't it? All about you and your precious feelings."
She shook her head disappointedly and left.
Hours later Serene knocked tentatively at the door of the Potions master's quarters. Behind her the Slytherin students passed in small groups on their way to the great hall in anticipation of the feast. Serene was oblivious of the many friendly greetings she received, but kept concentrating on the little speech she had prepared. She could only hope that Laurel was present and not occupied with Jonah. In that case she'd have to face Snape alone, and that was nothing she was looking forward to particularly.
The door opened by itself. Snape stood in front of the fireplace, obviously in deep thought.
Serene cleared her throat and shuffled her feet nervously. "I just wanted to ..." Her voice died away when she saw his gloomy face.
Snape held a toy broom in his hand and stared at it as if it had just bitten him. When Laurel came out of the small nursery, he put the broom away fast. Jonah's bedroom had been added next to the master bedroom only recently by the castle itself, as always anticipating its inhabitants' needs. Serene remembered once more the vanishing chamber that had appeared right at the moment when she'd needed a secret place ... She smiled nervously at her friend and secretly wondered how the other woman could be so genuinely nice to her after all she'd done.
"Serene! Ready for the feast?" Laurel picked up her shawl. "Jonah is asleep, for now." She yawned openly. "He wakes up every night with terrible nightmares and nobody can calm him."
"We can't leave him all alone. He'll be scared if he wakes up," said Snape suddenly and pushed another log into the fire, almost embarrassed about his concern.
Laurel placed a hand on his arm. "Dobby will watch him until we are back." Until tonight she had taken her meals in their quarters, but she did not want to miss the Halloween feast. Although the one thing she wanted more than anything right now was a night of undisturbed sleep ...
"I need to know where Remus Lupin is," blurted Serene out.
Snape frowned. "Why, in the Forbidden Forest." His mouth twitched. "At least I hope so."
"In the forest?" Serene's face fell. "What would he do in the forest at this time?"
"It is the full moon, and he is ..." Snape's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "You don't know?"
"No."
"He did not take the Wolfsbane potion so he could transform at Azkaban. But if he skips it once, he has to go without it two more moons. So he retreated to the forest. There is no way he could stay in Hogwarts while he is running wild. And I sincerely hope he won't come back until his furry phase is over."
Surprised he stared after the red-haired witch who ran out of the dungeons without a word of good-bye. "Say what you want," he muttered and closed the door firmly, "but she is not right in her head."
"Severus!"
He shrugged. "One day she runs away from him, the next day she runs after him."
Laurel rose on the tip of her toes and kissed his forehead. "So did I," she said softly. "And if I remember correctly, so did you."
Claire and Sirius had their own Halloween Dinner, picnicking on the floor of the yet to be decorated nursery, while a bewitched pumpkin danced in the air. After they had finished the wonderful feast the elves had cooked, they lay on their back and discussed what to paint onto the ceiling.
"Quidditch," suggested Sirius in a deadpan voice. "That way she learns the rules early on."
"She, again?!" Claire laughed softly. She had begun to think about the baby as a girl, too, since Sirius was so sure they'd have a daughter. "She - or he - will not deal with Quidditch until they can ride a broom."
"She - because it will be a girl, trust me - she will learn to fly a broom before she learns to walk."
Sirius bent over to kiss his wife but was interrupted by a faint noise from the window. The evening-owl had left hours ago, so Claire frowned when an insistent knocking signalled the arrival of yet another messenger.
When Sirius opened the window, they saw it was one of the Hogwarts owls that perched on the window-sill, carrying a sealed piece of parchment.
"From Harry?" asked Claire and sat up. Harry had taken the fact that his beloved godfather was once more on the run very bravely. She could not tell him about the Fidelius Charm, and even though Sirius had made sure he did see Harry every week, the boy - and everybody else - forgot about the encouter as soon as it was over. So Claire had with Dumbledore's permission sent a letter to the Dursleys, asking them to sign over their guardianship for the whole of Harry's sixth school-year, since the boy required "persistent attention and strict discipline" - and Vernon Dursley had been only to happy to oblige. With this arrangement Harry could spend the holidays in her house, if he wanted.
"It is from your friend Serene."
"Well, open it."
Sirius held the parchment with two fingers, as if he were afraid it would self-ignite any moment.
'Dear Claire,' he read. 'If you have any way to get in contact with Sirius,' he arched an eyebrow, 'ask him how I can find Remus, who as far as I understand from Snape, is running wild. I need to speak to him, urgently. I am quite aware that Sirius does not trust me, but I need to know for Remus' sake.'
"No way." Sirius crumbled the parchment into a ball and threw it into the fire. "I am not delivering Moony to her claws."
Claire looked up at him and saw that he was deeply worried. "He is running wild?" she wondered. "What does that mean?"
Sirius sat down next to her on the carpet and cradled her against his chest. Unbraiding her hair, he remembered the time when Remus had been running with him and James and Peter, half crazed by the power of the moon. "He was like a beast, with just a shadow of human reason. He'd run and hunt whatever moved. And he'd kill." Sirius sighed. "It got better as he grew up. Eventually he managed to refrain from slaying whatever creature we met in the woods, but still - when Remus runs wild, it is the wolf you have to face, not the wizard."
"So if you ran with him, do you know where he might be now?"
He nodded and stared into the flames. "There is a clearing, next to a warm spring. We used to rest there when we could not go on any further. And Remus returned there when the fury ceased, to bathe in the warm water. It helped against the exhaustion and healed some of the scrapes he suffered when running."
"But you don't want Serene to know?" coaxed Claire and tried to read his sombre face. She knew that the band that tied Remus and Sirius was not just one of friendship. The kind, polite DADA Professor and her impetuous, mischievous husband were like brothers.
"Remus is most vulnerable when he transforms back after the full moon. All his defences will be down. No, I don't want her near him in this moment." He shrugged. "It is too dangerous for her as well. He might eat her. Not that I care, but ..."
"It is past midnight now, Sirius," Claire pointed out. "She won't find him until the dawn rises, anyway. So he'll have turned by then. Apart from that, I don't believe Remus Lupin would bend a hair on Serene's head - werewolf or not."
"But she would ..."
"Sirius ..." Claire sat up and kneeled, so she could face him. Her eyes were calm and clear as ever, and told him that she understood his worries. "I know you mean well. But you can't protect him all your life."
"Remus doesn't need a protector," he grumbled.
"See?"
* * *
When Serene parted the bushes with both hands, she paused and gasped with surprise. Before her eyes a wide clearing opened, huge old oak trees guarding a steaming pond, and beyond the water a tumble of mighty rocks formed a shallow cave. Waterlilies of all colours bloomed in abundance, and despite the season the grass was sprinkled with tiny blue Forget-me-nots. Tentatively Serene held a hand into the water. It was warm, a pleasant temperature, and the hot spring in the pond was probably the reason for the untimely flourish of vegetation in the surroundings, when all over the Hogwarts grounds the first bite of frost had killed most of the flowers.
Steam rose in the morning chill like fog off the water surface. The dawn in the east turned what was visible of the sky into a rose-coloured dome. It was eerily silent in the clearing, only a few birds now and then making sleepy noises.
Serene turned at the waterside and looked around. This had to be the secret place Claire had described in her short message. If the Marauders used to come here every full moon when Remus turned, then they had probably needed shelter from the elements, at least in the wintertime. She set out to the rocks at the other side of the pond, and took off her boots while she walked. The fine grass was soft like velvet. This was a magical place, and slowly her fear and restlessness subsided. Remus would be well. He'd probably just sleep somewhere in the shelter of these rocks.
And that was right where she found him eventually, between rock and water, fast asleep. He lay on his back on a soft bed of dried grass, one arm thrown over his face, the other one outstretched. And he was stark naked.
Serene swallowed hard and felt how she blushed. How ridiculous, she thought. He was not the first man she'd ever seen naked. Although she had to admit that Remus Lupin was a fine specimen, when she stepped closer. He had the body of a runner, light, sinewy, all elegance and strength. Long slender legs, narrow hips, strong shoulders. At the back of the cave she spotted a small pile of carefully folded robes, his boots and his wand. So he had prepared his return into the wizarding world as a decently clothed Hogwarts Professor already, and had no need for her assistance.
He probably had no need for her apologies and her explanations as well, she scolded herself. But then, could she just leave him here? Could she just let him lie on the ground, vulnerable as he was right now?
Carefully not to disturb him, she settled down next to him on the grass- bed, and - since he was fast asleep and would never be the wiser - stole a good look at him. Beyond the arm that covered his eyes as if he'd tried to block off the last moonbeams, she saw part of his nose and his lips, and suddenly could not fight the urge to touch him any longer. With infinite tenderness the tip of her finger drew the outline of his mouth, then his jaw and deeper down his neck to the hollow of his throat. His chest and thighs were covered with silvery scars. Remus had once told her that he had scratched himself violently in the Shrieking Shack when he was a child, and these scars proved how painful the transformation must be.
His right collarbone bore a fresh scratch and she winced silently when she took in the bloody scrapes that went over his biceps down to the elbow. She knew quite well that werewolves healed faster than normal wizards, but it still looked awfully.
Once touching him, it seemed she simply couldn't stop. His skin was warm, almost as if he ran a fever. When she brushed over his nipple a faint tremor went through his body, and she froze immediately until his breathing returned to the slow steady pace of a sleeper. Her thumb lingered at his navel, before her fingertips traced the fine line of dark hair that led further down his body. She told herself firmly to draw her hand back, and still could not cease to caress him.
Instinctively her lips parted and she bit on the tip of her tongue when his body reacted to the featherlight strokes. His erection was beautiful, she thought, firm and …
„You'll want to stop now."
His dry voice almost made her jump. Slowly Remus took his arm off his eyes. He had been awake since she'd entered the clearing, she understood now. While she had caressed him ... Blushing to the roots of her hair she murmured an awkward apology.
„I'm sorry. I didn't mean to .."
„Do you ever mean the things you do, Serene?" he muttered bitterly, turning away from her.
She didn't dare to look at him. This time she had really blown it, hadn't she? She'd come to say good bye, not to embarrass herself even more than she'd already done. And certainly not to make him think she just wanted to tease him. Which was of course just what he must feel right now, considering that she had done everything but …
She buried her face in her hands.
When Remus scrambled up next to her, she still could not face him.
He said nothing, but she could hear him step into the water, and a faint splash told her that he dived and was now swimming - safe enough to lower her hands.
For a moment she just sat there in the grass, her back to the pond, and her heart was numb with the sudden realisation that she could not just leave here and now. It had been a grave mistake to touch Remus - as it had been a grave mistake to kiss him on that damned evening of his return to Hogwarts. Until now she had only wanted to assure he didn't suffer all too much when she left. But now she knew she'd suffer as well …
There was no need to take the Express, she convinced herself. She could always go by broom. That way she'd win two more hours, two hours that were hers alone. And she would use them wisely, to create a memory that would help them both to survive the lone cold nights that were to come.
Slowly she rose and looked over the pond. Remus had ceased swimming and stood in the steaming water, looking at her with an unreadable expression in his eyes. His mouth was set in a hard line.
Serene reached behind her and opened the tiny buttons on the back of her robe. The silky material slid down her body, followed by her underwear, until she was completely naked. A hot wave of emotions surged over her - shyness, excitement, longing. To this moment she had always been the one who was pursued. She had never taken the first step, and the possibility that he might refuse her offer was all too painful to considerate. What if he just pushed her away? In the month since his return he had retracted into a shell she'd learned to fear.
When she took the first step into the water, her eyes found his, and exhilarating relief flooded through her veins. The amber fire was still there. Even though he fought the feeling, he still wanted her.
Serene waded the few meters until she stood next to him, the warm water lapping at her breasts. She was taller than most women, and so she and Remus could stand eye to eye. His hair dripped wet from diving. She trembled, not from the cold air but from then anxiety that befell her when she searched for words.
„I mean this, Remus. I honestly mean this."
He touched her cheeks with wet fingers, tentatively, gently, his hands cupping her face as if he were afraid to break her, like something delicate and valuable.
Then his lips touched hers, and Serene stopped thinking. It was only the softest of touches, a mere brush of warm lips, his breath meeting hers, but it was enough to still all her fears, her self-consciousness. This was right. This was meant to be. What ever the future might bring, they'd always have the memory of this morning.
Gently she ran a hand down the side of his jaw, memorising the shape of his face. He shuddered lightly under her touch, and his mouth pressed hard enough against hers to make her part her lips. When his tongue explored her mouth, he made a low guttural sound, and the urgency of the kiss grew to naked need.
He wrapped his arms around her, lifting her, warm water sloshing all over them, and carried her to the shore, to the bed of grass.
Serene felt like warm wax in his hands, all her senses reacting to him as he laid a trail of kisses down her throat, to her heart, to her breasts. Worshipping her body, tasting every inch of her, he paid attention to every shiver, every moan and took them as guiding signs. She was ready for him, oh he could feel that, scent that, hear it from the desperate little noises she made when he entered her with two fingers of his right hand while the left still caressed the hard bud of her breast. He knew very well that he was not her first man, although he wished he could have been. She was ready, but this would not be just sex. Not just a release for lust and longing. For him it was so much more, and even if she refused to acknowledge it, this was the moment when he'd make her his own.
Letting go of her breast but never of her mouth, he gently lifted her hips. She wrapped her legs around him, welcoming him, holding her breath when his penis filled the void the exploring fingers had made her so aware of.
They fit perfectly, she thought through a red-hot haze of pleasure. They fit as if some god had created them only for each other. As if this man knew the answer to all her questions, and as if she had the key to all his dreams.
"Faster, Remus," she begged between ragged breaths. "Faster."
His eyes bore into hers, devoured her.
„Good Godric, I waited so long," he moaned. "I have been longing to touch you for three years. I'd rather cut my arm off than let this end fast."
He moved painfully slow, entering her each time as if it were the first. And instead of the rapid, if pleasant, release she knew, something else built with every slow thrust. Like in a smouldering fire the heat grew, burning her, melting her, until she forgot where her body ended and where his began. Almost sobbing with need, she still tried to hold on to reason. She must not give in. There were things he needed to know, truths she had to tell him.
"Remus, I must …
"Don't!" He threw his head back and put a hand lightly over her mouth. His voice was a hoarse whisper. "Ma coeur, don't say it. Don't do this to me ... Lie if you have to. Pretend you feel something for me. Let me believe this means something to you. Just now."
And suddenly all her principles, her iron discipline, crumbled to nothing. Arching under him, she buried her hands in his thick mane, drawing his head down to silence his words with an endless kiss. He closed his eyes and so did she, and without visual guidance, only relying on their heightened awareness of each other's need, they moved as one, until the were so close to the peak it almost hurt.
Only then Remus broke the kiss and looked at her. His eyes had lost their gentle brown colouring and burned in amber. He felt he could not hold back any longer, wasn't able to deny this to her and himself.
"I love you."
The words stood like the calm center of the storm that had both of them in its grasps. "I love you."
Serene could not repeat them, not now, knowing what it would do to him, but she had his name on her lips when she let him take her over the edge.
"Remy …"
Much later, when the first rays of a pale November sun reached the clearing, he slept the deep dreamless sleep of those who have come home after perilous travel. Serene lay in his arms, his heartbeat in her ears, and cried silently not to wake him up, counting the minutes until she'd have to leave.
„Ah Serene." Dumbledore's voice came from the small adjoining cabinet. „Please sit down. I'll be with you in a moment."
Serene took a seat, drew her wand and cared for tea and sweets as she'd always done at the beginning of her counselling hour. Now this was one of the moments when she just loved to be a witch, she thought. Laurel might hate to "cook" with wand and spell, but for Serene it still was heaven. No need to watch water boil, no need to search for teabags. Small blessings, she thought, but blessings nonetheless. She conjured a little extra icing on Dumbledore's cup-cakes, and waited.
Eventually the Headmaster entered the room, and at her surprised stare took off the Sorting hat.
"We had something to talk about," he remarked casually and sat the hat back onto its shelf.
"You … talk … with that hat?" Serene frowned and poured him some tea.
Dumbledore nodded. "He has been around much longer than anyone else and he remembers every student who ever passed through this school." Smiling he admired the beautifully decorated cakes. "Everyone but you, if I remember correctly."
Serene smirked. "The hat could not sort Laurel into any of the houses and so you decreed none of the mature students should have a house," she reminded him. "I was terribly disappointed then."
"Which house would you have chosen?" The blue eyes twinkled when the old wizard smoothed his hair and put up his own pointy hat again.
"Slytherin, I guess."
"Indeed." He nodded. „I'd have thought so."
"I admired Snape, a lot," admitted Serene and felt very old all of a sudden. Had it been really only three years since she'd stood in the Great Hall for the very first time? "And I thought, all I wanted was to learn as much about the Dark Arts as I could."
"And has this changed?"
She shrugged. "I have learned a lot, even out of Slytherin. And I am less naïve than I was then." Forcing herself to snap out of her sentimental mood, she asked: "What did you … and the hat … talk about?"
"Just something a student said to me a long time ago. Something I was reminded of during the last days when I dealt with Draco Malfoy."
Serene inclined her head. "Malfoy? He worries me."
"Does he? Some teachers say he is only a spoilt brat and needs more discipline."
"Oh, he is, absolutely! But there is something in his eyes," she tried to find the right words, "Something desperate. Like a small animal that is cornered and sees no escape route."
Dumbledore rose an eyebrow. "That is a very accurate assessment of Mr. Malfoy's state, my dear girl. What makes you believe that you are no good teacher?"
She blushed. "You talked to Claire!" she accused, a little disappointed that Claire had told him about their conversation.
"No, I did not. It is all too obvious. But tell me that your friend thinks about your self-doubts."
"She offered me financial help to set up my own fashion line." Serene saw with satisfaction how surprise flickered over his kind face.
"A fashion line …" Dumbledore mused. "Would that provide socks, too?"
Serene laughed openly. Somehow he always succeeded to make her laugh. On the other hand he was quite good at making her cry as well.
Chewing her thumbnail, she desperately tried to think up an inconspicuous theme of conversation, only to blurt out: "Ben Olsen ambushed me in the forest last week."
The Headmaster was silent for a long time, then he exhaled with a sigh. "I was wondering, how long it would take you to tell me."
"You knew?"
"I am the Headmaster of this school," he said mildly and polished his glasses with the hem of his sleeve. "There are not many things that escape my vigilance. At least I hope so."
"Ben asked me to join him." Serene looked straight ahead.
"Him or Voldemort?"
She paled. "Him, I guess. He said we were made for each other. But in the end it doesn't make a difference, does it? "
"I am afraid you are right. They both mean Darkness." Dumbledore's face had gone all serious. "But tell me, why would Mr. Olsen think you'd consider going with him?"
Serene closed her eyes. She knew the answer, had heard it whisper in her soul for years, but had never said it aloud. But now had come the time to face the truth.
"Because I am evil."
Her breath came in shallow gasps, and when Dumbledore reached for her hand in sudden worry, it was cold and clammy.
"Serene?" he asked gently. "Won't you eventually tell me what is going on?"
So Serene came clear.
After she'd ceased talking, they both sat in silence. After a few minutes Dumbledore got up and went to his desk, where he rummaged in a drawer and returned with a dust-covered bottle. He poured golden liquid into two heavy glass goblets and passed one to Serene. She emptied the glass in one gulp and spent the next minute coughing her heart up.
"Are you sure that you interpreted the situation correctly," asked Dumbledore, while he patted her on the back.
Serene nodded, still out of breath. "I told you all I saw. You may judge yourself."
"Who knows about this?"
"Just you and me." She closed her eyes in sudden realisation. "And Ben. He doesn't know in detail, but ..."
"You know this is not inevitable."
"I know that, yes." Serene held on to the carved armrests of the chair so hard her knuckles went white. "And believe me, I will not let it happen. That is why … why I …" She barely stifled a sob.
"Why you keep rejecting Remus Lupin."
"Yes."
"My dear girl, I really admire your courage and your determination. But I also see how unhappy you are. And how desperate Lupin is."
She rose from her chair, slow and reluctantly like an old woman. "What is my happiness, even Remus' happiness, compared to what is going to happen if I let the vision come true?"
"I am a few years older than you, Serene, and I can only tell you that more evil has generated from personal unhappiness than from dark intentions. People who are unhappy tend to take drastic decisions, and drastic decisions let people forget that in the end it is not the goal, but the way that counts." He raised both hands to cut off her protest. "What I want you to think about, is that by trying to prevent the catastrophy, you might actually promote it. Allow yourself a little happiness. Allow Remus to love you."
She thought about it, but shook her head wearily. "I can't take the risk, Albus. I just can't."
"I knew you'd say that," he smiled sadly. "So you will leave us?"
Serene swallowed hard and felt that her throat was nothing but a big knot. "After Halloween. I'll make sure Sybil can take over my classes by then."
Two more weeks, she thought when she left the circular office. Two more weeks, and Remus had not yet forgiven her that she'd hit him two weeks ago. Chances to make up with him until she had to leave were spare.
When the spiral staircase transported her to the lower level, she was still lost in thought, stepped off without looking - and ran straight into the object of her musing.
"Remus." She blushed when she noticed that she stood so close to him there wasn't room for a sheet of parchment between them.
"Serene." His voice was just as cool and polite as it had been since the dreadful evening in the Astronomy classroom. But he was close enough so she could see once again how long his eye-lashes were. Way too long for a wizard, she thought dreamily, and still it was a very male face. Straight nose, high cheekbones. She had never even touched his face before that kiss …
Remus raised his hand. "There is something about your hair …"
She flinched.
Gently he let the little ladybird crawl onto his finger. Serene watched how the insect spread its wings and flew away. With his words she had expected yet another remark about her hair, but then Remus was not Ben. Not in any way.
"Remus … I am sorry. I mean I am sorry about hitting you." She clenched her fists and couldn't believe the nonsense she kept babbling. "I did not mean to …"
He bowed his head. "Why did you do it then?"
Serene took a deep breath. Was this the day of painful confessions? "Everybody knew about the plan. Everybody but me."
"So you were just miffed that I left you in the dark?" he asked bitterly.
"No! Damn it," she hissed, suddenly angry because he made it so hard for her. "I was not … miffed! I was worried. And as I said before, I am sorry I hit you."
His eyes searched hers.
"And I am sorry I kissed you."
Even as he said it he knew she would not take the words as they were intended. And before he could say anything else, before he could explain that this first kiss should have been a declaration of love, not of hurt feelings, Serene ran down the corridor. Remus sighed and went his ways, followed by an overexcited Peeves, who was anxious to spread the news about the latest fight between the two Professors.
* * *
"Oh well, this is just what I expected of you, Serene Kennedy."
Minerva McGonagall's voice cut like a cold blade through Serene's numbness. She'd been packing all day long, keeping her door carefully closed, so nobody would see her prepare for leaving. It was the afternoon of Halloween and the castle hummed with the excitement of students getting ready for the traditional feast. The Great Hall was already decorated with scary looking pumpkins, flocks of bats that danced over the tables. Blueish will-o'-the- wisps flickered in the hallway. Normally Halloween would be one of Serene's favourite events, but not this year. She'd be leaving tomorrow.
All October long Remus and she had not exchanged any words but the few at the foot of Dumbledore's stairs. His remark that he regretted the kiss still hurt like a festering wound.
But she had no right to complain, had she? No right to demand any explanations, any commitment, when she'd been the one pushing him away all that time. And it was her fault, her weakness to not have pushed him further, harder. She gave herself a mocking scowl in the mirror. Beautiful. By now even Remus Lupin should have noticed that beauty only went skin- deep.
In the mirror she saw Professor McGonagall standing in the door.
Serene turned around reluctantly. McGonagall never bore good news ... at least not where she was concerned. "What do you want?"
She was not in the mood for niceties lately.
Minerva puckered her lips and threw a stern glance at the bags and trunks. "So it is true. You are leaving."
"Tomorrow morning with the Express."
"Did you ever spare a thought what this will do to Remus Lupin?"
Serene clenched her hands around a shawl. "Yes."
"And? Does it please you to think how he'll ache when he learns that you are gone?"
The younger witch sat down on the bed and faced McGonagall's anger with a pale face.
"You never liked me." Her voice was very low.
"This is not about dislike," spat the Deputy headmistress. "I knew from the first moment you were hiding things. And lets not forget your regrettable list of achievements." She counted them off her fingers. "Attempted murder. Poisoning. Kidnapping."
Serene did not try to defend herself. "Yes."
Annoyed Minerva crossed her arms over her flat chest. "Even if you had your good reasons as you claim, I think that should have sufficed to expel you from the mature students course."
"Yes."
"But Dumbledore believes in second chances, so we put up with you. The students like you, I'll give you that. But they liked Lockhart as well."
Serene shrugged. She had never aspired to gain the sympathy of her classes.
"But," Minerva continued, "what was your good reason for enticing Lupin? Vanity? Or were you just bored?"
"I never ...," Serene's head shot up. "I never encouraged his advances. And it is not your business, anyway."
"Well, contrary to you I care about Remus. We saw him arrive at Hogwarts, Albus and I, many years ago, when he was just a shy little boy. And so incredibly brave. I watched him grow, and fight to become the wizard he is now. I will not let you destroy all he achieved."
Serene ducked her head as if McGonagall had hit her. Suddenly she reminded Minerva of a scared child, and for a moment she felt sorry for the young witch.
"I care for him as well," Serene whispered.
"But you still plan to leave without telling him?"
"It is better for him!" Serene insisted. "I'll be gone and he will forget about me after a while."
"He is a werewolf, for Merlin's sake!" thundered the Professor. "He can't just forget you. Or can you forget your red hair? It is part of you."
Serene trembled. "What do you expect me to do?"
"He is a decent man. He deserves an explanation at least." Minerva sighed and sat down next to Serene. Awkwardly patting her hand, she spoke without looking at the young witch. "If you tell him what's wrong, why you can't love him ..."
"I can't tell him." Serene's eyes filled with tears. "I can't. He'll despise me."
"Well," McGonagall sneered, "it is all about you again, isn't it? All about you and your precious feelings."
She shook her head disappointedly and left.
Hours later Serene knocked tentatively at the door of the Potions master's quarters. Behind her the Slytherin students passed in small groups on their way to the great hall in anticipation of the feast. Serene was oblivious of the many friendly greetings she received, but kept concentrating on the little speech she had prepared. She could only hope that Laurel was present and not occupied with Jonah. In that case she'd have to face Snape alone, and that was nothing she was looking forward to particularly.
The door opened by itself. Snape stood in front of the fireplace, obviously in deep thought.
Serene cleared her throat and shuffled her feet nervously. "I just wanted to ..." Her voice died away when she saw his gloomy face.
Snape held a toy broom in his hand and stared at it as if it had just bitten him. When Laurel came out of the small nursery, he put the broom away fast. Jonah's bedroom had been added next to the master bedroom only recently by the castle itself, as always anticipating its inhabitants' needs. Serene remembered once more the vanishing chamber that had appeared right at the moment when she'd needed a secret place ... She smiled nervously at her friend and secretly wondered how the other woman could be so genuinely nice to her after all she'd done.
"Serene! Ready for the feast?" Laurel picked up her shawl. "Jonah is asleep, for now." She yawned openly. "He wakes up every night with terrible nightmares and nobody can calm him."
"We can't leave him all alone. He'll be scared if he wakes up," said Snape suddenly and pushed another log into the fire, almost embarrassed about his concern.
Laurel placed a hand on his arm. "Dobby will watch him until we are back." Until tonight she had taken her meals in their quarters, but she did not want to miss the Halloween feast. Although the one thing she wanted more than anything right now was a night of undisturbed sleep ...
"I need to know where Remus Lupin is," blurted Serene out.
Snape frowned. "Why, in the Forbidden Forest." His mouth twitched. "At least I hope so."
"In the forest?" Serene's face fell. "What would he do in the forest at this time?"
"It is the full moon, and he is ..." Snape's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "You don't know?"
"No."
"He did not take the Wolfsbane potion so he could transform at Azkaban. But if he skips it once, he has to go without it two more moons. So he retreated to the forest. There is no way he could stay in Hogwarts while he is running wild. And I sincerely hope he won't come back until his furry phase is over."
Surprised he stared after the red-haired witch who ran out of the dungeons without a word of good-bye. "Say what you want," he muttered and closed the door firmly, "but she is not right in her head."
"Severus!"
He shrugged. "One day she runs away from him, the next day she runs after him."
Laurel rose on the tip of her toes and kissed his forehead. "So did I," she said softly. "And if I remember correctly, so did you."
Claire and Sirius had their own Halloween Dinner, picnicking on the floor of the yet to be decorated nursery, while a bewitched pumpkin danced in the air. After they had finished the wonderful feast the elves had cooked, they lay on their back and discussed what to paint onto the ceiling.
"Quidditch," suggested Sirius in a deadpan voice. "That way she learns the rules early on."
"She, again?!" Claire laughed softly. She had begun to think about the baby as a girl, too, since Sirius was so sure they'd have a daughter. "She - or he - will not deal with Quidditch until they can ride a broom."
"She - because it will be a girl, trust me - she will learn to fly a broom before she learns to walk."
Sirius bent over to kiss his wife but was interrupted by a faint noise from the window. The evening-owl had left hours ago, so Claire frowned when an insistent knocking signalled the arrival of yet another messenger.
When Sirius opened the window, they saw it was one of the Hogwarts owls that perched on the window-sill, carrying a sealed piece of parchment.
"From Harry?" asked Claire and sat up. Harry had taken the fact that his beloved godfather was once more on the run very bravely. She could not tell him about the Fidelius Charm, and even though Sirius had made sure he did see Harry every week, the boy - and everybody else - forgot about the encouter as soon as it was over. So Claire had with Dumbledore's permission sent a letter to the Dursleys, asking them to sign over their guardianship for the whole of Harry's sixth school-year, since the boy required "persistent attention and strict discipline" - and Vernon Dursley had been only to happy to oblige. With this arrangement Harry could spend the holidays in her house, if he wanted.
"It is from your friend Serene."
"Well, open it."
Sirius held the parchment with two fingers, as if he were afraid it would self-ignite any moment.
'Dear Claire,' he read. 'If you have any way to get in contact with Sirius,' he arched an eyebrow, 'ask him how I can find Remus, who as far as I understand from Snape, is running wild. I need to speak to him, urgently. I am quite aware that Sirius does not trust me, but I need to know for Remus' sake.'
"No way." Sirius crumbled the parchment into a ball and threw it into the fire. "I am not delivering Moony to her claws."
Claire looked up at him and saw that he was deeply worried. "He is running wild?" she wondered. "What does that mean?"
Sirius sat down next to her on the carpet and cradled her against his chest. Unbraiding her hair, he remembered the time when Remus had been running with him and James and Peter, half crazed by the power of the moon. "He was like a beast, with just a shadow of human reason. He'd run and hunt whatever moved. And he'd kill." Sirius sighed. "It got better as he grew up. Eventually he managed to refrain from slaying whatever creature we met in the woods, but still - when Remus runs wild, it is the wolf you have to face, not the wizard."
"So if you ran with him, do you know where he might be now?"
He nodded and stared into the flames. "There is a clearing, next to a warm spring. We used to rest there when we could not go on any further. And Remus returned there when the fury ceased, to bathe in the warm water. It helped against the exhaustion and healed some of the scrapes he suffered when running."
"But you don't want Serene to know?" coaxed Claire and tried to read his sombre face. She knew that the band that tied Remus and Sirius was not just one of friendship. The kind, polite DADA Professor and her impetuous, mischievous husband were like brothers.
"Remus is most vulnerable when he transforms back after the full moon. All his defences will be down. No, I don't want her near him in this moment." He shrugged. "It is too dangerous for her as well. He might eat her. Not that I care, but ..."
"It is past midnight now, Sirius," Claire pointed out. "She won't find him until the dawn rises, anyway. So he'll have turned by then. Apart from that, I don't believe Remus Lupin would bend a hair on Serene's head - werewolf or not."
"But she would ..."
"Sirius ..." Claire sat up and kneeled, so she could face him. Her eyes were calm and clear as ever, and told him that she understood his worries. "I know you mean well. But you can't protect him all your life."
"Remus doesn't need a protector," he grumbled.
"See?"
* * *
When Serene parted the bushes with both hands, she paused and gasped with surprise. Before her eyes a wide clearing opened, huge old oak trees guarding a steaming pond, and beyond the water a tumble of mighty rocks formed a shallow cave. Waterlilies of all colours bloomed in abundance, and despite the season the grass was sprinkled with tiny blue Forget-me-nots. Tentatively Serene held a hand into the water. It was warm, a pleasant temperature, and the hot spring in the pond was probably the reason for the untimely flourish of vegetation in the surroundings, when all over the Hogwarts grounds the first bite of frost had killed most of the flowers.
Steam rose in the morning chill like fog off the water surface. The dawn in the east turned what was visible of the sky into a rose-coloured dome. It was eerily silent in the clearing, only a few birds now and then making sleepy noises.
Serene turned at the waterside and looked around. This had to be the secret place Claire had described in her short message. If the Marauders used to come here every full moon when Remus turned, then they had probably needed shelter from the elements, at least in the wintertime. She set out to the rocks at the other side of the pond, and took off her boots while she walked. The fine grass was soft like velvet. This was a magical place, and slowly her fear and restlessness subsided. Remus would be well. He'd probably just sleep somewhere in the shelter of these rocks.
And that was right where she found him eventually, between rock and water, fast asleep. He lay on his back on a soft bed of dried grass, one arm thrown over his face, the other one outstretched. And he was stark naked.
Serene swallowed hard and felt how she blushed. How ridiculous, she thought. He was not the first man she'd ever seen naked. Although she had to admit that Remus Lupin was a fine specimen, when she stepped closer. He had the body of a runner, light, sinewy, all elegance and strength. Long slender legs, narrow hips, strong shoulders. At the back of the cave she spotted a small pile of carefully folded robes, his boots and his wand. So he had prepared his return into the wizarding world as a decently clothed Hogwarts Professor already, and had no need for her assistance.
He probably had no need for her apologies and her explanations as well, she scolded herself. But then, could she just leave him here? Could she just let him lie on the ground, vulnerable as he was right now?
Carefully not to disturb him, she settled down next to him on the grass- bed, and - since he was fast asleep and would never be the wiser - stole a good look at him. Beyond the arm that covered his eyes as if he'd tried to block off the last moonbeams, she saw part of his nose and his lips, and suddenly could not fight the urge to touch him any longer. With infinite tenderness the tip of her finger drew the outline of his mouth, then his jaw and deeper down his neck to the hollow of his throat. His chest and thighs were covered with silvery scars. Remus had once told her that he had scratched himself violently in the Shrieking Shack when he was a child, and these scars proved how painful the transformation must be.
His right collarbone bore a fresh scratch and she winced silently when she took in the bloody scrapes that went over his biceps down to the elbow. She knew quite well that werewolves healed faster than normal wizards, but it still looked awfully.
Once touching him, it seemed she simply couldn't stop. His skin was warm, almost as if he ran a fever. When she brushed over his nipple a faint tremor went through his body, and she froze immediately until his breathing returned to the slow steady pace of a sleeper. Her thumb lingered at his navel, before her fingertips traced the fine line of dark hair that led further down his body. She told herself firmly to draw her hand back, and still could not cease to caress him.
Instinctively her lips parted and she bit on the tip of her tongue when his body reacted to the featherlight strokes. His erection was beautiful, she thought, firm and …
„You'll want to stop now."
His dry voice almost made her jump. Slowly Remus took his arm off his eyes. He had been awake since she'd entered the clearing, she understood now. While she had caressed him ... Blushing to the roots of her hair she murmured an awkward apology.
„I'm sorry. I didn't mean to .."
„Do you ever mean the things you do, Serene?" he muttered bitterly, turning away from her.
She didn't dare to look at him. This time she had really blown it, hadn't she? She'd come to say good bye, not to embarrass herself even more than she'd already done. And certainly not to make him think she just wanted to tease him. Which was of course just what he must feel right now, considering that she had done everything but …
She buried her face in her hands.
When Remus scrambled up next to her, she still could not face him.
He said nothing, but she could hear him step into the water, and a faint splash told her that he dived and was now swimming - safe enough to lower her hands.
For a moment she just sat there in the grass, her back to the pond, and her heart was numb with the sudden realisation that she could not just leave here and now. It had been a grave mistake to touch Remus - as it had been a grave mistake to kiss him on that damned evening of his return to Hogwarts. Until now she had only wanted to assure he didn't suffer all too much when she left. But now she knew she'd suffer as well …
There was no need to take the Express, she convinced herself. She could always go by broom. That way she'd win two more hours, two hours that were hers alone. And she would use them wisely, to create a memory that would help them both to survive the lone cold nights that were to come.
Slowly she rose and looked over the pond. Remus had ceased swimming and stood in the steaming water, looking at her with an unreadable expression in his eyes. His mouth was set in a hard line.
Serene reached behind her and opened the tiny buttons on the back of her robe. The silky material slid down her body, followed by her underwear, until she was completely naked. A hot wave of emotions surged over her - shyness, excitement, longing. To this moment she had always been the one who was pursued. She had never taken the first step, and the possibility that he might refuse her offer was all too painful to considerate. What if he just pushed her away? In the month since his return he had retracted into a shell she'd learned to fear.
When she took the first step into the water, her eyes found his, and exhilarating relief flooded through her veins. The amber fire was still there. Even though he fought the feeling, he still wanted her.
Serene waded the few meters until she stood next to him, the warm water lapping at her breasts. She was taller than most women, and so she and Remus could stand eye to eye. His hair dripped wet from diving. She trembled, not from the cold air but from then anxiety that befell her when she searched for words.
„I mean this, Remus. I honestly mean this."
He touched her cheeks with wet fingers, tentatively, gently, his hands cupping her face as if he were afraid to break her, like something delicate and valuable.
Then his lips touched hers, and Serene stopped thinking. It was only the softest of touches, a mere brush of warm lips, his breath meeting hers, but it was enough to still all her fears, her self-consciousness. This was right. This was meant to be. What ever the future might bring, they'd always have the memory of this morning.
Gently she ran a hand down the side of his jaw, memorising the shape of his face. He shuddered lightly under her touch, and his mouth pressed hard enough against hers to make her part her lips. When his tongue explored her mouth, he made a low guttural sound, and the urgency of the kiss grew to naked need.
He wrapped his arms around her, lifting her, warm water sloshing all over them, and carried her to the shore, to the bed of grass.
Serene felt like warm wax in his hands, all her senses reacting to him as he laid a trail of kisses down her throat, to her heart, to her breasts. Worshipping her body, tasting every inch of her, he paid attention to every shiver, every moan and took them as guiding signs. She was ready for him, oh he could feel that, scent that, hear it from the desperate little noises she made when he entered her with two fingers of his right hand while the left still caressed the hard bud of her breast. He knew very well that he was not her first man, although he wished he could have been. She was ready, but this would not be just sex. Not just a release for lust and longing. For him it was so much more, and even if she refused to acknowledge it, this was the moment when he'd make her his own.
Letting go of her breast but never of her mouth, he gently lifted her hips. She wrapped her legs around him, welcoming him, holding her breath when his penis filled the void the exploring fingers had made her so aware of.
They fit perfectly, she thought through a red-hot haze of pleasure. They fit as if some god had created them only for each other. As if this man knew the answer to all her questions, and as if she had the key to all his dreams.
"Faster, Remus," she begged between ragged breaths. "Faster."
His eyes bore into hers, devoured her.
„Good Godric, I waited so long," he moaned. "I have been longing to touch you for three years. I'd rather cut my arm off than let this end fast."
He moved painfully slow, entering her each time as if it were the first. And instead of the rapid, if pleasant, release she knew, something else built with every slow thrust. Like in a smouldering fire the heat grew, burning her, melting her, until she forgot where her body ended and where his began. Almost sobbing with need, she still tried to hold on to reason. She must not give in. There were things he needed to know, truths she had to tell him.
"Remus, I must …
"Don't!" He threw his head back and put a hand lightly over her mouth. His voice was a hoarse whisper. "Ma coeur, don't say it. Don't do this to me ... Lie if you have to. Pretend you feel something for me. Let me believe this means something to you. Just now."
And suddenly all her principles, her iron discipline, crumbled to nothing. Arching under him, she buried her hands in his thick mane, drawing his head down to silence his words with an endless kiss. He closed his eyes and so did she, and without visual guidance, only relying on their heightened awareness of each other's need, they moved as one, until the were so close to the peak it almost hurt.
Only then Remus broke the kiss and looked at her. His eyes had lost their gentle brown colouring and burned in amber. He felt he could not hold back any longer, wasn't able to deny this to her and himself.
"I love you."
The words stood like the calm center of the storm that had both of them in its grasps. "I love you."
Serene could not repeat them, not now, knowing what it would do to him, but she had his name on her lips when she let him take her over the edge.
"Remy …"
Much later, when the first rays of a pale November sun reached the clearing, he slept the deep dreamless sleep of those who have come home after perilous travel. Serene lay in his arms, his heartbeat in her ears, and cried silently not to wake him up, counting the minutes until she'd have to leave.