A/N: Ooooooh boy. Talk about riske. First off I want to say this chapter has nothing to do with the beloved ringwraiths, and you won't miss much by not reading it. It's done by request of many, and by my own morbid imaginings. Anyway... if you want to see the adventures of Legolas in Castle Anthrax ::makes a sweeping gesture:: be my guest. This is also much funnier if you've seen MP and the Holy Grail. The crudeness is all from the movie, not my fault. :-) And if you flame me for "making fun of gay people"... just don't. Those lines are taken out of the movie, got nuthin to do with me. All that said... enjoy!

Sir Legolas: The Optional Chapter

Meanwhile, halfway across Middle Earth, we join our hero Sir Legolas the Chaste. The sunlight caught on a few golden strands of his hair, which he tucked behind a pointed ear.
He had been on the road to Rivendell ever since Elrond had sent word for him. Something about a ring. Well, that old elf wasn't about to get him married. Legolas hummed happily to himself, drumming a tune on his chastity belt.
As his horse came to a hill, Legolas sensed something ahead. He clucked to the steed who halted. Tying the reins, Legolas crept the hill with bow in hand. A shadow descended the countryside as a stray cloud covered the sun. After a moments gathering of breath, Legolas leapt the last few paces to the top of the hill, knocking an arrow and pointing ahead at-
Legolas froze at what he saw. It was a ring alright. Great and golden, covered in runes, calling to him with a fiery light. It hovered above a darkened and moss-covered manor.
Forgetting his poor horse, Legolas eased his bow and replaced the arrow. For some reason that cloud had decided to drop rain, and in no small amount. Deciding he must learn about this ring (and he needed shelter besides - dancing between raindrops can be quite tiring), he jogged down the hill to the old building. He knocked on the wooden door with a fist. At first there was no responce. Then the door swung open.


**You have just entered Castle Anthrax

Zoot: helloooo legolas
Legolas: Hello... ma'am. I'm quite sorry to bother you but I saw a ring outside your house and-
Zoot: what ring? o look! ur hurt. Let me help u
**LegolasFan has entered the room
**MYELF has entered the room
Zoot: girlz! we have a elf who needs medical attention right away
MYELF: LOL
LegolasFan: OMG! He is like, so hot!
Legolas: No no, I should be fine.
Zoot: nonesense! here, come sit on this bed.
Legolas: ::Sits on the bed:: Thank you but...
LegolasFan: No butts but yours, cutie! Now sit down. We're professionals. Right myelf?
MYELF: SURE WE ARE LOL
Legolas: ::Lies down::
LegolasFan: ::gropes him - for injuries::
Legolas: AAAAaaaactually I think I'll be just fine. ::Stands::
Zoot: no legolas! dont go
Legolas: Well, unless you have this ring I really I should be going...
**mewanthuneyelf has entered the room
**ILuvLegolas4343 has entered the room
Legolas: Good Lord.
mewanthuneyelf: oooooh its Legolas
Zoot: yeah he came here out of the rain!
ILuvLegolas4343: Well He Should Know That We Are Nothing But Fan Girls Between The Ages Of Eleven And Thirteen.
MYELF: LOL YOU DONT HAVE TO CAPS EVERYTHING LOL
Zoot: ah, true! and we have no one to protect us. all we can do is sing.
LegolasFan: and make exotic underware!
Legolas: ::Gulp:: How... nice.
ILuvLegolas4343: Speak For Yourself MyElf.
mewanthuneyelf: hey leggy wanna go to a private room
**ElvenGirl1985 has entered the room
Legolas: Thank you, I'm just looking for that ring...
MYELF: LOL ILUVLEGOLAS WHEN U DO THAT ITS LIKE EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS IMPORTANT LOL
**Zoot has left the room
ElvenGirl1985: What ring?
Legolas: The ring... outside the castle...
ILuvLegolas4343: Well It Sounds Like You're Shouting.
MYELF: WHATEVER LOL
ElvenGirl1985: Oh no! Zoot put the One Ring beacon out again!
Legolas: Beg pardon?
LegolasFan: hey legolas
ElvenGirl1985: Oh, this is terrible! Oh bad, naughty Zoot! You know what you must do? You must take her and give her a good spanking!
Legolas: But...
LegolasFan: yeah there you go about butts again! Woo hoo! Spank ME!
mewanthuneyelf: yes a spanking!
MYELF: LOL A SPANKING
ILuvLegolas4343: Definately A Spanking.
ElvenGirl1985: Yes! You must spank all of us for punishment!
Legolas: Well... maybe I could stay...
**Zoot has entered the room
Zoot: did I hear something about a spanking??
mewanthuneyelf: then... the oral sex
Legolas: Rivendell can wait!
MYELF: LOL THE 69
LegolasFan: YAH!!!
Zoot: I hope I haven't missed anything!
**Gandalf has entered the room
Gandalf: Legolas! I have come to save you!
ElvenGirl1985: Hey he's ours!
LegolasFan: ew he has a beard
MYELF: LOL ITS THE WIZARD
ILuvLegolas4343: You Can't Take Him.
Legolas: It's alright Gandalf! I'm doing fine! I can take them all single-handed!
mewanthuneyelf: yea let him take us all single handed
Zoot: what? with one hand?
Gandalf: There will be no handling in THIS manor! Come Legolas.
Legolas: But Gandalf...
Zoot: noooo he can't go!
ElvenGirl1985: Legolas! We need you!
LegolasFan: don't take his cute butt away!
ILuvLegolas4343: Bye Bye Legolas.
mewanthuneyelf: o yea you know what those two are gonna do when they leave
MYELF: LOL
**Gandalf has left the room
**You have left Castle Anthrax

"Gandalf... just... let go!" Legolas pulled his cloak from the wizard's grip. "I was doing just fine until you came along!"
"No you weren't, boy. You've no idea what they would have done to you. Now come along. Our ride is waiting, and giant birds can be very impatient."
Legolas stood, glaring at Gandalf. "Bet you're gay," he said.
Gandalf grunted and walked on. "Am not."
"Are too."
"Shut up."