~*~
Do you have any problems which you can't talk about with anyone?
Don't worry, you're not alone.
Rita Skeeter gives you her advice.
*
I want my Mummy!
My Mummy died giving birth to me. I spent my life in a Muggle-orphanage till I was eleven. Then I went Hogwarts. There I discovered that I was the descendant of the great Salazar Slytherin. I decided to follow in his footsteps and became evil. All right, so I got followers, killed and tortured some people, no big deal. It was just yesterday that I realised something was missing in my life. I thought and thought and thought some more and then it hit me: I MISS MY MUMMY! Yes, I know, I've only seen her once in my entire live but she is still my mummy. I want her back!
~ Lord Voldemort (aka The Dark Lord aka You-Know-Who aka He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named aka Lord Thingy), 42
Rita says: Wow, Lord Voldemort himself is asking me for advice! This is so uplifting! Lovely!
Anyway... you know there is no way to bring people back from death. But who said you couldn't do it the other way round? So, commit suicide! Even if you will have hard time doing so, seeing you're immortal and all, but when you succeed you will go straight to heaven, I'm sure. Although I'm going to miss you. You and your Death Eaters always gave me a lot of ideas for my articles. So, don't forget about me, and say hello to your mummy for me, ok? Oh my, this is so sad, I think I need some tissues.
My nail varnish doesn't go with my lipstick!
Last weekend we were allowed to go visit Hogsmeade. I and my friend Lavender went to a store were we usually buy all of our make up. Just two days before I had run out of nail varnish and I couldn't borrow some from Lavender because she only has blue shades while I need red. So, we were in the shop and Lavender had already picked a nail varnish, but I was still looking for my favourite colour - Apple Red, that is, but they didn't have any of it. So I took a nail varnish that was a bit lighter. And now it doesn't go with the colour of my lipstick! This is a catastrophe!
~ Parvati Patil, 15
Rita says: You probably could convince Madam Pomfrey to let you stay in the hospital wing long enough till your friend or your Mum manages to get you a bottle of your nail varnish. Not only would nobody mind your unmanicured nails then, you'd also miss lessons and be pitied by the others - it's fun, it's relaxing.
And this shop owner! You should hex him - next time he'll know better then not selling your nail varnish. Because he knew perfectly well that you always buy that colour, and he should have some in stock for you! It's not an unreasonable demand that he should think ahead, is it? After all, the customer is always right!
I am not gay!
I broke up with my girlfriend Pansy some weeks ago because I had began dating an other person. I refuse to tell you who it is because if my father reads this he will be as mad as hell and disown me.
After I broke up with Pansy she began spreading the rumour that I'm gay - which just isn't true. Now everyone avoids me as if I've got smallpox. Except for some girls who are into a Muggle thing called 'Anime' and desperately want to see me making out with my arch-nemesis Harry Potter because the think it'd be 'cute'. Apart from that my reputation to not mess with me has gone down the drain.
~ Draco Malfoy, 15
Rita says: Don't worry, it is common knowledge that rumours only last for a hundred days. So you've only got ninety-seven days ahead of you from today on...
If that's too long for you, you could also put 'I'm not gay!' on a T-shirt and walk around with it for a week. I'm not sure if people would take you seriously, but it's worth a try. If you don't want to wait that long try to transfer a different school. Or leave the country. Or kiss a girl in front of the whole school. Not to forget hexing the next one who calls you gay into oblivion. That way you would also regain your gone-by reputation.
If nothing of that appeals to you, you still have the option to become bisexual and actually start a relationship with Harry Potter. He's really nice looking. Especially from behind.
Do you have a problem too, which you can't solve alone? Owl Rita and ask her for advice!
~*~
Author's Note: Before you yell at me because of how the last problem is treated, hear me out. One more time: this is a parody. It is not meant to be taken seriously. It is meant to drag various fandom-cliches and bad fanfictions through the mud. A lot of badly written slash stories with Draco exist. Just because I make fun of that fact does not mean I'm against homosexual relationships.
Thanks for listening.