Author's Notes: Here's the last part of 'Rita Skeeter's Advice Page'! Biscuits and milkshakes all around! Thanks to all those who reviewed and special thanks to dasani Black and my friend Clarissa for giving me inspiration for problems!
Rita Skeeter's Advice Page
Do you have any problems which you can't talk about with anyone?
Don't worry, you're not alone.
Rita Skeeter gives you her advice.
oOo
I am the Potions Master at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Therefore I'm almost ashamed of admitting my problem, because people will say I should have found the solution on my own. Well, my hair is just so greasy. It's really disgusting. I tried about fifty different potions to get it right but no one did work.
And the worst part of the whole affair is, that just about every woman I have met so far thinks my hair looks so good and ignores its greasiness. Even my nose, teeth, pale skin and the fact that I like to sneer at them doesn't put them off. I really don't know what they see in me - to me it seems that they are all blind!
Severus Snape, 37
Rita says: From the way you describe yourself, I get the feeling that you are not an attractive man at all. Greasy hair, crooked nose and yellow teeth are a definite No in my book and if you look at it this way, then you should be glad, that there are women who are after you at all.
However, it might work if try to wear bright pink robes - at the very least it will threw them off. Or maybe you should just kill one of the women and let her serve as an example for all the others. Or you could just use Imperius on them and order them to leave you alone.
For the problems with you hair it might be worth to have a good look at muggle shampoos. At least they smell nicer than some potions do. Another way would be to either shave all your hairs off or wear a wig. If you wear a blond, curly wig then even the most stable woman will give up on you - that way you could kill two birds with one stone.
I have no friends!
There is nobody in Hogwarts who wants to be my friend. Sometimes Harry, Ron and Hermione talk to me or help me with my homework but they are not really my friends. Even my own toad despises me as it keeps running, or better: hopping, away from me.
And I am quite sure the teachers all hate me. I do not do well in class and Professor Snape never misses a possibility to make a fool of me. If he wouldn't just love it so much I could do much better in potions, which I prove in my O.W.L.s!
Neville Longbottom, 15
Rita says: Okay, boy, first of all: kill your toad. If it doesn't like you, what is the point of keeping it?
Next thing you should learn the Imperius curse and command everyone to be your friend. Do not let the fact that it will slowly drive them insane get in your way. Should anyone ever break free from the curse kill him or her. The Ministry of Magic does not need to know that you are using the Imperius. Should they ever find out just use it on them as well. You might have some trouble with the aurors, though, so just try to use Avada Kedavra then.
After that you should try to get the teachers under Imperius, too. Then there will be nothing left in your way to become popular, top student, head boy and Quidditch Captain. Voldemort himself might even offer you a position. Doesn't that just sound wonderful?
I'm afraid my grades will go down!
Just a few weeks ago I got a boyfriend. He is really cute and he loves me and I love him, too. It's the perfect relationship of whom I've always dreamed.
However, there is one downside. He prevents me from learning for classes. Because of this my grades will go down and then I will not score high on the O.W.L.s and the N.E.W.T.s and then my report will be horrible and then I will not be able to get a decent job, which results in me living on the streets. Horrible!
Now I don't know what I should do. Should I go for school and become ultimately rich or should I go for love and spend my live on the streets and fight with the alley cats over my dinner?
Hermione Granger, 15
Rita says: You know... that is not really a hard decision to make. Go for the money! After all it can not betray you or hurt your feelings.
A human being can very well do these things. And who says he really loves you? He could as well just be toying with you. In that case you ought to kill him, by the way. Avada Kedavra should do the trick.
See what I mean when I say money is your only true friend? And when you are rich, then don't forget to rub it in the face of your former lover, telling him you would have never achieved this if you were married to him.
Do you have a problem too, which you can't solve alone? Owl Rita and ask her for advice!
oOo