James Cameron and Charles Eglee own Dark Angel. My use is in no way meant to challenge their copyrights. This piece is not intended for any profit on the part of the writer, nor is it meant to detract from the commercial viability of the aforementioned (or any other) copyright. Any similarity to any events or persons, either real or fictional, is unintended.
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Author's Note: Because of a few bad words in this chapter, I would rate it R. However, since the presence of these words shouldn't really affect the overall rating, in my oh-so-humble opinion, I'm keeping the story as PG-13. Just wanted to warn anyone that might be overly sensitive.
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IX – Personal Sacrifices, Part 1"… number being gunned down. How much more will it take to convince people to stop letting themselves be controlled by fear? How much more will it take to allow the transgenics the peaceful existence they crave?" With a flick of his wrist, Logan pushed the button to end the cable hack and leaned back in his chair. He reflected on his report and was forced to conclude that he didn't like it. It just seemed to lack some kind of continuity, he decided. It must be because my mind is somewhere else.
He stood up quickly, reveling at the fact that his legs were his to command. He doubted he would ever grow tired of the simple act of standing up. It was something he had taken for granted for most of his life, but after a year of being strapped into a wheelchair, he'd learned to appreciate some of the simpler things in life. He strode into the kitchen and opened the fridge, reaching in just long enough to grab a beer as he walked back out into his living room. He turned down the lights as he walked past the switch, keeping it bright enough to move through the room without tripping over one of the three pairs of sneakers that Syl had left lying across the floor, but dim enough to look out the window without too much glare. He was only able to stand motionlessly for a brief moment before his restlessness had him pacing once more, padding like a caged tiger from one end of the apartment to the other.
I can't believe I actually went through with it, he marveled, surprised that he'd been able to convince Max that he had absolutely no interest in continuing a relationship with her. He knew she had to be kept away – his identity as Kilroy would constantly be endangered if she kept coming around. And there was no way he could allow that secret to get out. At least not yet.
Logan wondered why he felt so determined to keep his second alter ego from his closest friend. He came to the same conclusion he always did – he wanted to protect her. Just like she wanted to keep me away so that I'd be safe from the virus, I want to keep her away so that she'll be safe from the exploits of Kilroy, he concluded. He reflected once more on Lydecker's belief that at least some of the transgenics would be forced to employ their military training. For one thing, White and his cronies had to be opposed. Many transgenics were more than willing to take up this cause, and the results of their efforts promised to be extremely violent and dangerously high profile. Despite Eyes Only's efforts to keep portraying all transgenics as being as passive as the ones holed up in Terminal City, word would eventually leak that there were many others currently embroiled in a covert war. In fact, the plan demands that word get out about that, Logan reminded himself. One day, the public would need to know the truth about the cult, and as much as Logan hated to think about it, he knew that that day was rapidly approaching.
The real issue was how this war was presented to the ordinaries. I need to make it clear as day that the transgenics are fighting to protect not only themselves, but every human being on Earth, Logan thought. They have to be portrayed as heroes… that should be enough to convince the majority of people that their destructive war was worthwhile. And for the rest of the people… Logan knew that it had to be an ordinary that led the more militant faction of the transgenics, that an ordinary needed to take the heat for what Kilroy's soldiers were doing out in the field. As powerful as Manticore's genetically engineered killing machines could be, the public needed to see that the transgenics were also more than willing to follow the commands of a normal human. Someone is going to have to take the fall for this, and the masses will seek out a leader to blame. It can't be Max. It has to be me.
Suddenly realizing that at some point he had limited his pacing to the kitchen, Logan glared at his surroundings, finding himself irritated by virtually everything he set his eyes on as he tried to give himself some way to vent his growing frustration. The teapot reminded him of Max's late-night visits for tea, the refrigerator brought back images of the hard-to-come-by perishables he'd always gone out of his way to procure for her, and the oven made him think of all the meals he'd spent so much time cooking for her. Every memory of Max got him more worked up, and the routine was starting to wear on him.
So I'll be the one to take the blame, he acknowledged for the umpteenth time, willing his mind to focus on the difficult situation at hand rather than the good times of the past. And where exactly does that leave me with Max? He recoiled at the thought, wondering why he had even pondered the question. This is neither the time nor the place, he reprimanded himself. Despite his best efforts, though, he found himself pondering the question. As he'd told Max, he wasn't doing anything she hadn't already done. He made a unilateral decision to end the relationship, no matter how much it had hurt him to do so. But then again, when she cut of the relationship it was because of a virus that we hoped could be cured. There was always the unspoken implication that if the virus was out of the way, we would very likely give us another try. Did I really hold out the same kind of hope?
He reflected on the conversation – no, the argument, he corrected himself – focusing not only on what he said, but how he said it. Logan was surprised at how easy it had been to lash out at Max, to say just the right words to cut into her. He could hardly believe he had been so callus.
The more he thought about it, the more he realized just how much he had been hurt by the things she'd done. He had seemed to take it all in stride, playing the part of the coolly aloof friend that was equally comfortable with the prospects of a romantic relationship, a close friendship, or a purely professional partnership. But that image was so far from the truth, he admitted silently. He had tried so hard, for so long, only to have Max turn away at every opportunity. I was willing to risk my life, he thought angrily, and she couldn't even be bothered to tell me the truth. Instead she goes and tells me she's getting together with Alec, just because that would supposedly be easier for me to take! He sighed heavily, suppressing the urge to shout out his anger. What a bitch!
He took a deep breath and silently counted to ten, trying to calm himself. The attempt failed miserably. I did so much for her… I helped her smuggle transgenics out of the country, I helped cover up the existence of her kind, I hacked into Chinese spy satellites, I blew thousands of dollars on her cause, I got my home shot up when I joined her struggle against the Familiars… His anger mounted as he continued to add seemingly infinite items to the laundry list of favors he had done for her. Then he stopped himself suddenly. Don't be so stupid, Logan, he told himself. It's not like you were the only one that gave. After all, she did lots of 'missions' to help out in your work as Eyes Only. But then again, that was done on a quid pro quo basis, with the understanding that I would help her find her fellow escapee siblings. He thought for another moment and seized on something else. She broke into a nuclear power plant and stole the chip I needed for my prosthetic legs, he reminded himself. But then again, she thought that was an Eyes Only mission, and not a personal favor, so I probably shouldn't give her much credit for that.
As he continued thinking the relationship through, Logan became increasingly convinced that he had given far more than Max ever had. And all I wanted in return was her affection and a bit of honesty. Was that so fucking much to ask? Once more, Logan found himself enraged at how easily Max had just seemed to give up. A failed attempt to take a quick sip of his beer alerted him to the fact that the bottle was empty, and Logan just set it down on the counter and reached into the refrigerator for a second bottle. His internal rant prevented him from ever noticing how easily he chugged the entire drink, draining it in a matter of seconds.
Chill out, Logan, he told himself as he tossed the bottle into the recycling bin in the corner and pulled out a third beer. Try to look at things from her point of view. After all, how would you feel if you were the one with the virus, and you ended up infecting her and killing her? Would you be able to live with yourself? He pondered the question for several moments before deciding on an answer. Fine, I might have done the same thing if I had been in her shoes, but I wouldn't have lied about finding someone else just to chase Max away. Try as he did to avoid the issue, he kept coming back to that one point – Max had lied. Just like you did tonight, he reminded himself. He stopped short, and then analyzed that conclusion a little more closely. Actually, I never lied, he argued silently. I told her we both had responsibilities that prevented us from being together, and that's the God's-honest truth. Sure, I didn't tell her that I'm Kilroy, but I didn't deny it, either. She has a job now, and she can't afford to get involved with anyone. I have a job to do, too, and I can't afford to let her get tangled up in my little web. She'd never be able to get out of that situation alive.
Logan nodded to himself as he realized that he finally hit on what the whole argument was really about. He couldn't deny that he had a lot of resentment toward Max because of the way she had treated him, but that had only served to make it easier to send her away, to be cold to her. In the end, his current anger boiled down to the fact that Max had dared lie to him. And it wasn't even a good lie, Logan noted. I mean, how stupid does she think I am that I would believe something that asinine? Her and Alec? Sure… and monkeys might fly out of my ass!
With only a casual glance in the direction of the recycling bin, Logan tossed the third bottle away to join the second as he contemplated having a fourth beer. The memory of his ex-wife assaulted him, though, and he shuddered at the thought of ever getting comfortable indulging in alcohol. He instead walked out into the living room, noticing with relief that he was starting to feel a slight bit lightheaded. It's about time the damn alcohol kicked in.
Walking less carefully than the last time he had gone through the room, he stumbled over a pair of Nikes that Syl had left in front of the television. A few epithets muttered under his breath allowed him to release his frustration over his uninvited guest, and he was once again free to dwell on his questions concerning Max.
I can't just let her go, he admitted to himself, but I likewise can't let her stay. She has to be kept completely clear of what I'm doing. So, to paraphrase Hamlet, I'm cruel only to be kind. I just hope she's able to forgive me for all this when it's finally over.
To be continued……………………………