Chapter 9: Insight
Angel stalked in the shadows, observing this interaction between, as far as he knew, mortal enemies.
They were outside now, in the cold night. Buffy had led Spike to a bench just outside the school. Spike just sat there, in what looked like a tranquilized state. He just sat there, staring into nothingness, not really acknowledging Buffy's presence.
Buffy took a seat next to him, carefully placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Okay, Spike. You haven't been in the best of... mind-state lately, but we... need your help," she said softly.
"Help. Helping is good," Spike replied, still staring off into space. "I'm not good. I'm a bad, bad person. Wanted to help, but I still hurt..." He looked at Buffy just then. "I hurt you."
She tilted her head to the side. She knew what he was referring to, and she wasn't prepared to take on that subject just yet.
"It hurts me, Buffy. In here," he gestured to his head, "when I think about it. And it hurts me in here," he placed his hand over his still heart, "because I keep seeing that expression on your face," he paused, "after."
Buffy didn't know what to say.
"I'm sorry..." he said, noticing the look on her face. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be around you. I've been bad, so bad. William's a bad man." He turned away, sulking over and grabbing his head in his hands.
'William..." Buffy repeated softly, realizing that he referred to himself as William.
"That's who I am," Spike said. "It's who I've always been. Spike is the body. William is the soul. We're both in here, you know. We're both hurting, because we both love you." He turned around and looked at her, a completely innocent look in his eyes.
"I know you got your soul back because of me," Buffy said quietly.
He nodded. "I wanted to give you... What you deserved. You didn't want me because I was a monster. I *am* a monster, because... because," he drooped his head, "It didn't help."
"What?"
"This," he said, meaning his soul. "He's done so much he's sorry for. He wanted to be yours so bad... like Angel. You called me an evil, soul-less thing. Tell me, do you still think that you can't love without a soul?"
"Spike..." Buffy started, "I can't talk about this now." She was desperate to change the subject. "We need you help. Please, can you help us?" Then, after seeing the semi-hurt look in his eyes, she told him, "I promise. We will talk about what happened."
He nodded, slowly, hesitantly. "I'll help. I will be good," he said.
"Good. Then you have to tell me what you know. I keep hearing, 'From beneath you, it devours.' What does that mean? Do you know what's coming?" Buffy asked, getting straight to the point.
Spike's expression got dark, and sad. "Time will tell. It's power, who holds it. It's not evil. It's not good. You can't stop it. It comes and swallows you, and by the time..." he swallowed, "by the time you realize, it's too late. It's as old as time. It has always been."
Buffy was confused. "So what you're saying is that it's hopeless? We can't stop it? Well, that's what we thought about Glory, and guess what? We beat her."
"And you died," he said softly, reluctantly. He remembered how he cried, and cried over her death. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I will save her. I will always save her. To death..." He was starting to ramble again.
Angel was extremely confused. He didn't know what to think right now. Buffy and Spike. Spike and Buffy. *Spike has a soul,* was the thought that kept repeating itself in his head. Anya knew. That was why Anya kept pressing the subject of the prophecy. That was why she kept asking if they were sure it was talking about him. Did Xander, Willow, and Dawn know? Buffy definitely knew. That was why she kept asking him about his soul.
What really hit him hard was the fact that Spike's soul wasn't a curse. He got it for Buffy. Spike sounded like he wanted redemption, but not like he did. Then again, Spike was acting odd. He was talking about himself like he was two people. It seemed as though his soul did not suppress the demon part of him, not that much at least.
*He got his soul for Buffy,* he thought to himself. It was unbelievably... selfless. What could have changed Spike so much to do that? Had he fallen in love with Buffy? Yes, he had. He said it, and it looked like Buffy knew it for a long time.
"Something is here," Spike said suddenly.
"I know," Buffy said, thinking he was still talking about the "thing" that was coming.
He surveyed the area. "No. Something is watching us."
"What?" Buffy stood up quickly, ready to pounce on anything that came out of the darkness. "Show yourself," she said sternly.
Spike was on his feet too. He was looking around the courtyard. He felt the presence of someone familiar. Someone was near.
Angel heard this and backed off. He couldn't let Buffy find him. He turned around and quickly took his leave.
"It's gone," Spike whispered.
*He's definitely loony,* Buffy thought, *Must've been the "voices" he was talking about...*
That was when Spike started to walk back toward the school.
"Where are you going?" Buffy asked.
He kept walking, and over his shoulder he said, "Back to where I belong."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Summers house was quiet again. Everyone had retired for the night. When Angel returned, he found Connor asleep on the couch. His son. It was still unbelievable that he had a son. It was one thing he thought he would never have. It made him content.
Not long after Angel returned, Buffy quietly stepped through the front door. She had a somber expression on her face. It was either that or she was just tired. Then again, she had just gotten back from seeing Spike, whose current state made her worry.
She noticed Angel sitting down in the living room, awake. "Hi, Angel," she greeted quietly, careful not to wake up Connor.
"Where have you been?" he asked, no apparent emotion on his face.
She needed to think of an excuse. What came out of her mouth was, "I just needed to take a walk. All that talk about that prophecy made me all woozy." She smiled. "You have a chance to turn human. It's just... unbelievable."
Angel nodded. It was unbelievable, but now he was having doubts to whether he was the one the prophecy was talking about. "It is isn't it? After all these centuries, not being able to live like a man..."
Buffy shook her head. "Becoming human doesn't necessarily make you a man, Angel." She was defensive, and she sounded knowledgeable. "It's your actions, your emotions, to yourself, and to other people."
Angel was shocked, she didn't sound like the Buffy he knew... or used to know. "I understand what you're saying, Buffy, but it feels like... This is what I've been seeking."
She kept shaking her head. "It's a reward to you," she said simply. "Your soul is a curse to you, Angel. You've looked at it that way for years and years and years. Have you ever stopped to think that it was a blessing? You used to brood over it, but I see you now, and you're content."
Speechless. Since when did Buffy become so insightful?
"You know, we shouldn't be talking about this. We should just be happy about it," she said. "I'm going to sleep. Goodnight." She made her way upstairs.
Reward. It *was* a reward. Of course, that's all it was. So many good deeds were done to make up for what he caused. Centuries of redemption, for the centuries he caused massacres. Humanity. It was life. He wanted to be able to love fully. He wanted to be able to feel the warmth of the sun. He wanted to feel his heart beating.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Connor had heard the whole conversation, and as much as he hated to admit it, Buffy was right about his father. Reaching humanity was almost like a goal for him. Ever since he had his soul back, that was what he wanted. Connor knew this. It was as if what he had wasn't enough. He had to have it all- hat was why he bothered saving people, helping people. That was what kept the inhumanness in his father.
The girl that his father once loved, the girl who was centuries younger that he... she knew. It saddened Connor, why his father couldn't see what she saw. He fell back asleep, troubled by thoughts of his father.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
To be continued...
Sorry, the brain is not functioning on the higher levels. I tried to make this chapter as interesting as possible, but my brain is still swimming with info from all three classes I had exams in. But... THE WEEK FROM HELL IS OVER!!! YAY!!! =) R&R please!
Angel stalked in the shadows, observing this interaction between, as far as he knew, mortal enemies.
They were outside now, in the cold night. Buffy had led Spike to a bench just outside the school. Spike just sat there, in what looked like a tranquilized state. He just sat there, staring into nothingness, not really acknowledging Buffy's presence.
Buffy took a seat next to him, carefully placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "Okay, Spike. You haven't been in the best of... mind-state lately, but we... need your help," she said softly.
"Help. Helping is good," Spike replied, still staring off into space. "I'm not good. I'm a bad, bad person. Wanted to help, but I still hurt..." He looked at Buffy just then. "I hurt you."
She tilted her head to the side. She knew what he was referring to, and she wasn't prepared to take on that subject just yet.
"It hurts me, Buffy. In here," he gestured to his head, "when I think about it. And it hurts me in here," he placed his hand over his still heart, "because I keep seeing that expression on your face," he paused, "after."
Buffy didn't know what to say.
"I'm sorry..." he said, noticing the look on her face. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be around you. I've been bad, so bad. William's a bad man." He turned away, sulking over and grabbing his head in his hands.
'William..." Buffy repeated softly, realizing that he referred to himself as William.
"That's who I am," Spike said. "It's who I've always been. Spike is the body. William is the soul. We're both in here, you know. We're both hurting, because we both love you." He turned around and looked at her, a completely innocent look in his eyes.
"I know you got your soul back because of me," Buffy said quietly.
He nodded. "I wanted to give you... What you deserved. You didn't want me because I was a monster. I *am* a monster, because... because," he drooped his head, "It didn't help."
"What?"
"This," he said, meaning his soul. "He's done so much he's sorry for. He wanted to be yours so bad... like Angel. You called me an evil, soul-less thing. Tell me, do you still think that you can't love without a soul?"
"Spike..." Buffy started, "I can't talk about this now." She was desperate to change the subject. "We need you help. Please, can you help us?" Then, after seeing the semi-hurt look in his eyes, she told him, "I promise. We will talk about what happened."
He nodded, slowly, hesitantly. "I'll help. I will be good," he said.
"Good. Then you have to tell me what you know. I keep hearing, 'From beneath you, it devours.' What does that mean? Do you know what's coming?" Buffy asked, getting straight to the point.
Spike's expression got dark, and sad. "Time will tell. It's power, who holds it. It's not evil. It's not good. You can't stop it. It comes and swallows you, and by the time..." he swallowed, "by the time you realize, it's too late. It's as old as time. It has always been."
Buffy was confused. "So what you're saying is that it's hopeless? We can't stop it? Well, that's what we thought about Glory, and guess what? We beat her."
"And you died," he said softly, reluctantly. He remembered how he cried, and cried over her death. "I'm sorry," he mumbled. "I will save her. I will always save her. To death..." He was starting to ramble again.
Angel was extremely confused. He didn't know what to think right now. Buffy and Spike. Spike and Buffy. *Spike has a soul,* was the thought that kept repeating itself in his head. Anya knew. That was why Anya kept pressing the subject of the prophecy. That was why she kept asking if they were sure it was talking about him. Did Xander, Willow, and Dawn know? Buffy definitely knew. That was why she kept asking him about his soul.
What really hit him hard was the fact that Spike's soul wasn't a curse. He got it for Buffy. Spike sounded like he wanted redemption, but not like he did. Then again, Spike was acting odd. He was talking about himself like he was two people. It seemed as though his soul did not suppress the demon part of him, not that much at least.
*He got his soul for Buffy,* he thought to himself. It was unbelievably... selfless. What could have changed Spike so much to do that? Had he fallen in love with Buffy? Yes, he had. He said it, and it looked like Buffy knew it for a long time.
"Something is here," Spike said suddenly.
"I know," Buffy said, thinking he was still talking about the "thing" that was coming.
He surveyed the area. "No. Something is watching us."
"What?" Buffy stood up quickly, ready to pounce on anything that came out of the darkness. "Show yourself," she said sternly.
Spike was on his feet too. He was looking around the courtyard. He felt the presence of someone familiar. Someone was near.
Angel heard this and backed off. He couldn't let Buffy find him. He turned around and quickly took his leave.
"It's gone," Spike whispered.
*He's definitely loony,* Buffy thought, *Must've been the "voices" he was talking about...*
That was when Spike started to walk back toward the school.
"Where are you going?" Buffy asked.
He kept walking, and over his shoulder he said, "Back to where I belong."
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
The Summers house was quiet again. Everyone had retired for the night. When Angel returned, he found Connor asleep on the couch. His son. It was still unbelievable that he had a son. It was one thing he thought he would never have. It made him content.
Not long after Angel returned, Buffy quietly stepped through the front door. She had a somber expression on her face. It was either that or she was just tired. Then again, she had just gotten back from seeing Spike, whose current state made her worry.
She noticed Angel sitting down in the living room, awake. "Hi, Angel," she greeted quietly, careful not to wake up Connor.
"Where have you been?" he asked, no apparent emotion on his face.
She needed to think of an excuse. What came out of her mouth was, "I just needed to take a walk. All that talk about that prophecy made me all woozy." She smiled. "You have a chance to turn human. It's just... unbelievable."
Angel nodded. It was unbelievable, but now he was having doubts to whether he was the one the prophecy was talking about. "It is isn't it? After all these centuries, not being able to live like a man..."
Buffy shook her head. "Becoming human doesn't necessarily make you a man, Angel." She was defensive, and she sounded knowledgeable. "It's your actions, your emotions, to yourself, and to other people."
Angel was shocked, she didn't sound like the Buffy he knew... or used to know. "I understand what you're saying, Buffy, but it feels like... This is what I've been seeking."
She kept shaking her head. "It's a reward to you," she said simply. "Your soul is a curse to you, Angel. You've looked at it that way for years and years and years. Have you ever stopped to think that it was a blessing? You used to brood over it, but I see you now, and you're content."
Speechless. Since when did Buffy become so insightful?
"You know, we shouldn't be talking about this. We should just be happy about it," she said. "I'm going to sleep. Goodnight." She made her way upstairs.
Reward. It *was* a reward. Of course, that's all it was. So many good deeds were done to make up for what he caused. Centuries of redemption, for the centuries he caused massacres. Humanity. It was life. He wanted to be able to love fully. He wanted to be able to feel the warmth of the sun. He wanted to feel his heart beating.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Connor had heard the whole conversation, and as much as he hated to admit it, Buffy was right about his father. Reaching humanity was almost like a goal for him. Ever since he had his soul back, that was what he wanted. Connor knew this. It was as if what he had wasn't enough. He had to have it all- hat was why he bothered saving people, helping people. That was what kept the inhumanness in his father.
The girl that his father once loved, the girl who was centuries younger that he... she knew. It saddened Connor, why his father couldn't see what she saw. He fell back asleep, troubled by thoughts of his father.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
To be continued...
Sorry, the brain is not functioning on the higher levels. I tried to make this chapter as interesting as possible, but my brain is still swimming with info from all three classes I had exams in. But... THE WEEK FROM HELL IS OVER!!! YAY!!! =) R&R please!