Title: Nosce te ipsum… (1/1)
Author: Jai L
E-mail: MisterZeppo@yahoo.com
Rating: R – For Violence
Disclaimer: The characters do not belong to me, they belong to Joss Whedon and Co. Only the story is mine and is for entertainment purposes only.Summary: Xander and Spike have a little talk.
Timeline: Sometime in early Season 7.
***
It would have been very easy for Xander to go home after work. He was dead tired from a hard day working on the high school's new gym. He spent the whole day fantasizing about falling onto his bed as soon as he got home and crashing. There were also things that he needed to get done though. He needed to pay some bills. Make up the work schedule for his crew for next week. He needed to help Mrs. Chen, his neighbor, by fixing her backed up sink.
And he would rather be doing any of those things instead of doing what he was doing right now, which was walking around the maze that was the high school's basement. Every turn he made seemed to lead him away from his destination, confusing him even further. At one point, he even tried to backtrack his steps, only to find the way he came closed off by a wall that had not been there before. He'd been walking around for the past half-hour, trying to follow the blueprints he had with him, but to no avail. Frustrated and disgusted, he shoved the blueprints into the inside pocket of his jacket before continuing on. He was just starting to feel a little anxious when he suddenly heard the faint sound of someone talking.
Jackpot.
He followed the voice until the words that were being spoken started to become much clearer.
"Can't, can't, can't, can't… CAN'T!!!"
Xander immediately recognized Spike's voice and sighed. He knew he didn't need to do this. If Buffy knew what he came down here to do, she'd try to stop him. But she didn't know, and if things went the way he hoped, she would never know. He firmed up his resolve and headed in the direction of Spike's voice, a man with a mission. The vampire's voice grew louder and louder, finally leading Xander to the boiler room. As he entered, he found Spike on his hands and knees muttering under his breath while he crawled around the floor.
"Spike, what the hell are you doing?" Xander asked softly.
Spike ignored his question as he crawled around as if he were looking for something, mumbling incoherently. Xander sighed and decided to play along with whatever delusion Spike was currently victim to.
"You know, if you tell me what you're looking for I might be able to help." Xander offered.
The offer earned Spike's attention immediately. He looked up at Xander with crazed eyes and grinned. He scampered over to Xander on his hands and knees while giggling.
Xander shook his head sadly and said, "Spike, get up. I don't have the time for this."
"No time, no time. If only you knew." Spike mumbled from the floor. "Can't see you, can't hear you, can't feel you, can't touch you."
"Ah!" Xander exclaimed as he jumped back. "There will be no feeling! Keep your touchy feely feelings to yourself."
"Not you knight." Spike giggled madly as he got up off the floor. "Or is it night? Shining, sparkling, like little stars… Beaming, gleaming, glittering, glowing…"
Xander sighed as he rubbed his temples for a second.
"I think you made more sense when you were on the floor."
"Beneath you!" Spike screamed as he jumped towards Xander. The startled Scooby stumbled back, falling awkwardly on his rear. Spike towered over him as he continued screaming, "It eats! Bites! Eats me! Eats you! It nips! Beneath-"
"Will you just shut up?!" An irritated Xander interrupted as he got off the floor. "Yeah, yeah, beneath you it devours. I think that little diddy has been hammered into all our heads by now okay?"
Spike cocked his head to the side as he looked at Xander for a second. He yelped and walked calmly to a crate propped up against the wall. He climbed onto it, leaning back with a smile.
"Sorry about that…" Xander muttered. "We… I need to talk to you Spike."
"Sorry my boy." Spike said, the most coherent he's been all night. "Things to do, games to play, work must be done after all! The boss might not give me my quarterly bonus this year if I don't do well. I'm very late after all."
"Yeahhh." Xander drawled out as he eyed the vampire, who was staring at another crate on the opposite side of the room. "Good luck with that."
Xander walked up to the crate and sat next to Spike, following his gaze to the crate. They sat in silence together until Xander couldn't stand it anymore. Knowing this new Spike, he could be like this until morning.
"We're not friends." Xander said suddenly.
Spike turned to look at him, his eyebrows raised. For the first time, Xander felt Spike was really looking at him. Recognition flashed in the vampire's eyes, but was quickly gone again.
"No, we're not." He replied. It was the first sane answer he'd offered all night.
"I don't like you." Xander continued. "Never have. To be honest, sometimes I wish I could. But I can't."
"William's a very bad man." Spike whispered, as if he were revealing the secret of life.
"No argument here." The Scooby stated as his left hand went into his pocket.
Spike laughed loudly, clutching his stomach as his laughter echoed around them. Just as quickly, his laughter became sobs as tears started streaming down his face. He wiped his face with the back of his hand as he weeped.
"I hurt the girl…" Spike wheezed. "I hurt her. I hurt…"
"Buffy." Xander said. "Her name is Buffy."
"I must pay!" Spike shouted, startling Xander. "William is a bad man. I put together the puzzle but all the pieces are wrong."
He grabbed Xander by his jacket's lapels and pulled him close.
"Elmo will save us all." He grinned maniacally.
Xander wretched Spike's hands away from him and pushed the vampire back into the crate.
"God…" He whispered in disgust. "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"God?" Spike growled angrily. "No god! No love! Empty, a shadow, it's all meaningless I tell you. I'd paint a pretty picture if my brush wasn't so mangled, you see?"
Xander groaned, regretting his decision to come down here more and more with each passing second. He didn't know what he had hoped to accomplish, but now he was starting to realize what he had to do. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his stake, which caught Spike's eye immediately.
"Come to make the bad man pay did you?" Spike said as he closed in on Xander. "So valiant, so brave, so foolish. My poem didn't have an ending. Didn't finish it, see? Do you want to write it?"
"Spike, I need to talk to you about Buffy." Xander said clearly.
As soon as Buffy's name passed Xander's lips again, Spike grew silent and somber.
"Buffy…" Spike echoed in anguish.
"I don't like you Spike." Xander started, ignoring the lost look on the vampire's face. "I don't think that's the biggest secret in the world. You tried to kill me and my friends. You've killed, maimed, murdered, tortured, and god knows what else. I've never forgotten that. You may look harmless, but I know you're not."
"Bad man…" The vampire whispered painfully, clutching his heart as if in deep pain.
"But Buffy?" Xander continued. "Spike, you really love her don't you?"
"Yes" A harsh and tortured reply came from Spike's mouth, as he suddenly grew more lucid. "I love her."
"And the fact that she's not in love with you must be like having your heart ripped out." He said knowingly as he took a step towards Spike.
Spike nodded sadly while saying, "Tried to. Didn't work. I heal too fast, you know?"
"Spike…" Xander said as he stood toe to toe with Spike, biting back the anger that he still carried for the vampire. "What you did to her last year? Trying to rape her, making her feel like she was dirty, that she was less than human, that's not something you do to people you love. I know you're a vampire, and that distorts your perceptions. I can see how desperate you were for her to love you… But you can't love like a human because you're not one. Your demon perverts everything."
"Can't…" Spike's shoulders drooped as he wept. "She'd never forgive me…"
"Now, according to her you have a soul now." Xander said. "That changes things. As much as I would love to stake you right now for what you did to her, and believe me I want to, I can't. Because somewhere in that warped little noggin of yours is a person who's been locked away for over 200 years. You've changed. I don't know into what yet, but you have."
Spike's tears diminished as he focused on Xander and what he was saying.
"Buffy's my hero Spike." Xander said with a faint smile gracing his lips. "She's not perfect, she makes a lot of mistakes, but she's still my hero. It's the things she does. The battles she fights. The sacrifices she's made. I've gotten to know her these past few years and let me tell you… There's no one like her. She's my best friend, besides Wills. She's special. She has this amazingly huge heart. I love that. And I will do anything to protect that. She doesn't ask me to, she might not need me to, she's the Slayer after all... She's dedicated her life to protect the world… The least I could do is protect her. I don't tell her I do it, but I try as best as I can. It's this thing you do when you love someone…"
Xander shook his head, bringing him out of his reverie. His smile disappeared as he locked his gaze on Spike again.
"I don't know where you're heading Spike." Xander stated firmly, echoing his earlier statement. "I don't know where any of us are going. But you have a chance to do a lot of good. You have a chance to be a good man. And I hope you succeed. I hope you find some peace. But I'm going to make one thing very clear. You try to hurt her again and I'll kill you… Painfully. You see, I can't forget what you are. You still have a lot of darkness in you. That's going to be something that burdens you for the rest of your undead life… And I'm sorry for that. But Buffy's finally starting to get her life back. She's happy Spike. She's alive again. She has a long way to go too. But I don't doubt she can do it. She's strong like that. And god help me, I'm going to dedicate my life to make sure she gets the whole nine. She's going to go back to college, meet a man who sees how wonderful she is, find a job she loves, get married, have fat little slayer babies, grow old, become a grandma, and then one day die. Yes, she'll die one day, but not before she really lives. She's my best friend and she's deserves that."
"I don't belong there…" Spike whispered. "Do I? It's not my pretty little picture."
"No you don't." The Scooby replied. "I'm sorry. I really am. But you're not a part of this world. I know you love her, but sometimes loving someone means letting them go for their own good. Believe me, I know. You can't offer her all the things she deserves Spike. You can't grow old with her. You can't give her children she can hold with love. You can't share a sunny day together. You can't share in the joys of life with her"
"But you can…" The souled vampire snapped.
"No…" Xander responded, trying to squash the sad smile that threatened to emerge. "No. It's not my place. But someday, somewhere, she'll meet someone. And I'll be happy for her."
Xander pocketed his stake again, shoving his hands into his pockets.
"Like I said, I don't know what's going to happen." He said. "But think about what I said. Sometimes you need to place the needs of the people you love before your own. Goodnight Spike, I'll be keeping an eye on you."
Xander favored Spike a small sad smile before turning around and walking away. As he retreated back, Spike's voice called out to him.
"You're in love with her!"
Xander paused in mid-step before looking back, remembering the last time someone said that to him. Spike stood at the door of the boiler room, looking back at him with earnest. Xander opened his mouth to say something, but quickly shut it again.
A small smile graced his face as he looked at Spike and sadly answered, "Goodnight Spike."