Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi and lyrics to "Finale" are copyright Yuu Watase and L'arc~en~ciel respectively.
Author's Note: Just using this space to clarify a few things that I've changed about the story to fit the purpose of my own. This part (and the rest) of the fic takes place about a year after the summoning of Suzaku; Chichiri and Tasuki are the only seishi still alive, with the exception of Tamahome, who lives with Miaka in Tokyo—but there's no means of communication between the worlds now. Nuriko, Hotohori, Chiriko, and Mitsukake are all dead, but their spirits aren't up and wandering around the empire like they are in the manga and tv series; sorry, no ghosties for poor angsty Tasuki to communicate with. ^_^
With that said, hope you enjoy the first chapter. I'd love to hear what you think, so reviews are most definitely welcome. ^_^
Chapter One: Unbroken
I embraced you silently so that
your pale and fleeting beauty would go unbroken…
Early morning sunlight crept silently through open windows, casting warm, bright rays over those who slept, urging them to wake up and begin their day. For the bandits of Reikaku-san, every morning started at nearly the crack of dawn, and this particular time was no exception.
However, there was one who didn't want to get up. Curled up on his side, tawny hair disheveled from a night of fitful sleep, lay the leader of the bandits: Genrou to some, Kou Shun'u to others, and Suzaku no Seishi, Tasuki, to most everyone in Konan Empire. Passionate, loyal, and brave, he was respected and loved by all of his followers, colleagues, and friends.
Nevertheless, passionate, loyal, and brave was not how Tasuki felt at that moment. Cursing, the mountain bandit drew the soft cotton sheets over his head in an attempt to block out the light that was streaming all-too cheerfully into his bedroom. The former warrior of Suzaku hadn't had a restful night, as usual; however, this time it had nothing to do with his nightly trips to the bar. In fact, he hadn't had any alcohol in the past few days, for there were other, more troubling, things on his mind. When Tasuki was troubled, he was irritable—and an irritable Tasuki was not someone you wanted to deal with, especially one deprived of sleep.
The bandit grumbled unhappily to himself, finally sitting up in his bed and opening deep amber eyes to gaze silently around the room. While small, his private chambers were well furnished with items stolen by the bandits on various occasions; silk curtains of a rich scarlet hue on the windows, pulled back to allow sunlight in, a mahogany dresser for clothing, a small but comfortable bed, a chest for any money collected, and other items of interest. Blinking drowsily, Tasuki pulled back the sheets and stood up, immediately wishing for their warmth as chill morning air caused goose bumps to form on his skin. As he proceeded to dress himself, he strained to remember the brief bout of dreams he'd had that night. For the past year or so since the summoning of Suzaku, Tasuki had been having the same dream every few months…one which he would have preferred not to remember. However, it now came more frequently, accompanied by other dreams that he couldn't bring into memory no matter how many times he had them.
Soon a knock came at the door, causing Tasuki to jump slightly, his thoughts interrupted.
"Excuse me! Who is it? Kouji, a friend of Genrou's coming for…"
Tasuki sighed in exasperation, walking over to the door and opening it to reveal his friend and fellow bandit, Kouji. Two years his elder, they'd been together in Tasuki's earlier years of living with the bandits, and despite initial dislike, they'd grown to trust and befriend each other over time. Kouji was somewhat rugged in appearance; with deep ocean-blue hair, tan skin, and a scar on his left cheek, those who met him didn't expect this man to actually be kind and loyal (if slightly eccentric) upon getting to know him. Tasuki tried to keep his temper in check, but knew Kouji was used to frequent outbursts from him, anyway.
"Fuck, Kouji…do you always have to do that routine?" His voice was a slight growl, but more weary than angry. He knew he had gotten up late, and Kouji had come to drag him out of bed if necessary; frankly, he wasn't in the mood for contact with other human beings at that moment. Massaging his temple with his forefingers, trying to avoid Kouji's blank expression, he sighed. "I'm up, I'm up! I know I'm late, sorry."
Kouji was used to early-morning grumbling from his friend, and wasn't in the least bit fazed by profanities spurting from his mouth, but since his return the previous year, these had been at a minimum. The fire in his leader's personality was becoming less and less noticeable, and it was obvious what that was attributed to…Kouji became concerned about it a year ago, yet had only now forced himself to come to a decision. Unblinking green eyes regarding Tasuki, he chose to ignore the first comment, instead focusing on the second.
"I didn't come to wake you up this morning…Genrou, we need to talk."
Tasuki raised his head, not expecting the seemingly grave comment from his generally lively friend. The way Kouji said these words showed that he was serious about something—though Tasuki had no idea what. Confusion apparent in his amber eyes and expression, he frowned.
"About what?"
Kouji smiled slightly, trying to have some element of comfort apparent for the bandit leader, who was obviously perplexed. "Just something I've been meaning to ask you…but I'd rather not talk about it in here, the rest of the guys probably shouldn't get involved in this. " He paused. "Training grounds sound good to you? I don't think anyone's out there right now."
The bandits' training grounds were a designated part of the forest used for preparation and battle tactics of sorts. Reikaku-san was the ideal place for a hideout; lush forest for miles around, people were more likely to get lost than ever find the outlaws there. Tasuki nodded slowly, assuming that whatever Kouji needed to talk about, it was important. However, darker thoughts began to form in his mind, while realization dawned as to what his friend might mean.
Has he noticed? Even if he has…he can't possibly know why…
Gazing at Kouji's now-serious expression, Tasuki's heart sank.
…and that's exactly what I'm afraid of….
~*~*~
Tasuki trudged slowly along the dirt path into the woods, crisp fall air biting into his flesh despite the heavy trench coat he'd put on over his tunic. The leaves had just begun to change from green to their autumn suits of gold, scarlet, and red-orange, fluttering every which way in the breeze, unable to make up their minds as to which way to go. Tasuki watched them for a moment before continuing into the shadows of the forest, the fresh scent of pine carried on the breeze filling his senses. The light filtering through the tops of the trees grew thinner, until finally Tasuki was walking almost completely in shadow, causing him to be glad that he'd learned this path by heart. However, his heart grew heavier with each step he took, regretting his promise to meet Kouji at the training grounds.
I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to think about it, I don't want to dream it…
Stopping his trek for a moment, he looked up at the canopy of the forest, watching as the dim light shifted pattern with the trees swaying gently in the breeze.
Of course, he reasoned with himself, it could be something completely unrelated to that. I mean, he doesn't even know I've been having those dreams…and I know I've never told anyone about 'em. I also know that I've been dwelling on all this for much too long…
The last thought brought a pang of uncertainty to his already weary heart. Despite the dreams, he made sure to never think about what they meant…often they were hazy and unclear in the first place, and to remember specific details about them was impossible. However, he could tell in general what they meant, and this is what put him in denial.
I've never gotten over it…
The sound of twigs and leaves snapping and crunching from behind him put an end to his thoughts; Kouji had appeared on the path, standing only about a foot away from the bandit leader. Lowering his gaze to meet that of his friend's, Tasuki forced his spirits to lift as much as was currently possible. When he'd been a seishi, he never had to concentrate to do simple things like that; now, it wasn't so easy. After a few moments in silence, he spoke.
"What did you want to talk to me about?"
Kouji smiled despite himself. "You look like it's the end of the world, Genrou," he said. "I can tell you're straining to look comfortable, and it's not workin' well for someone who's known you as long as I have."
Tasuki sighed, giving up his act upon the accurate observation. "Fuckin' hell, Kouji," he muttered, "With the way you said 'we need to talk' earlier, can y' blame me?"
Kouji shook his head, the smile disappearing. "No, but I do need to talk to you." Looking his friend up and down for a moment, he paused before continuing. "It's been a year, but you never talk about them."
Please let me be wrong…
Tasuki's amber eyes widened slightly, as half-formed, panicked thoughts swam through his head. "Them?" he asked incredulously.
"The seishi," Kouji said, green eyes staring, filled with concern, into amber. "I know it's out of the blue, but the first few months after you came back to us, you weren't completely yourself…and it's more apparent now. I also know this probably sound strange coming from me, but I've noticed…" He hesitated before continuing. "I just wanna know if everything's all right now."
Tasuki unconsciously lowered his gaze, unwanted memories of that time coming back to him. Miaka and Tamahome had gone to the other world; Chichiri had begun wandering again. Left with nowhere else to turn, Tasuki went back to the only place in the world he felt he belonged now: Reikaku-san. As far away from memories as possible…as far away from guilt…
Tasuki nodded quickly, his eyes still shaded from Kouji's view. "Everything's fine," he said huskily. "I got over that a while ago. Don't worry 'bout it."
Kouji frowned. "You're lying again, Genrou…" Placing a callused hand comfortingly on Tasuki's shoulder, he spoke quietly, but firmly. "You're not all right."
At these words, Tasuki felt something inside him break. Memories of his friends', his brothers' deaths flooded through his mind, as another pang of emotion wrenched at his heart.
I told myself I'd forget…Roughly pulling Kouji's hand off of his shoulder, he finally raised his eyes to meet those of his partner, mixed emotions swimming in their amber depths. His expression became one of anger, and that quickly became the predominant emotion in the confusion-filled orbs that were his eyes.
"Shut up…shut the fuck up! You don't know a single fucking thing about me, so don't pretend that you do!! I'm fine, and I've always been fine, so leave me alone!!"
Tasuki's voice gradually rose to a yell as he spoke, and the last sentence echoed strangely in the still, previously restless air of the forest. Panting, he struggled to hold back tears as he realized his mistake. Before he could make any apologies, however, Kouji spoke. The bandit's thoughts had been confirmed, and knew something had to be done.
"Genrou…no, Tasuki." The voice was quiet, sad. "Until you come to terms with this, until you live without guilt…"
Now, the voice trembled.
"You can't stay here anymore."