Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi and lyrics to "Finale" are copyright Yuu Watase and L'arc~en~ciel respectively.
Author's Note: Sorry for taking so long to update this…I barely had any free time this past month, and when I did it was spent interviewing at high schools. Guess that doesn't really count as free time, huh? -_-; Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter…much thanks to those who have reviewed so far, and any new reviews will be greatly appreciated. ^_^
Chapter Two: Sadness
We seek each other out in the dark of the moon
The thing we feel is the sadness of our destiny
"…You can't stay here anymore."
Those words were the sort that would leave you numb and disbelieving; frozen, Tasuki stared at his fellow bandit with wide eyes before he finally found words, but even then his mouth fumbled over them.
"Wh…what…?"
Kouji stood firm, his gaze fixed on that of his leader's. "I said…you can't stay here anymore. I don't want this place to be an escape for you…you can't live like that…" He trailed off, his expression almost becoming one of regret; the green eyes shone with a concern that, as Tasuki quickly realized, had always been there, but was only now apparent. "I just want you to be happy."
The bandit leader felt a tinge of anger grow inside of him at the apparent calm of his friend; teeth and fists clenched, he looked straight into Kouji's eyes.
"You can't be serious…you can't make me leave!! I don't have to follow your orders, and I don't want your sympathy!" The amber eyes flashed dangerously, the breeze causing his red hair to appear as wavering flame, blending with the palette of orange and scarlet leaves. However, this did nothing to deter Kouji. Cool green eyes met glinting amber, the older man's face expressionless.
"But you aren't happy."
The voice was soft, almost lost on the whisper of the breeze, and the way he said this was neither in accusation nor question. A statement that could be proved, a fact that Tasuki could not deny—and he, though stubborn to admit it, knew this.
The sky was slowly beginning to darken, despite it being midday; thick, gray storm clouds were visible through the trees, moving steadily overhead. Tasuki looked at the ground to avoid Kouji's gaze, and his voice was considerably quieter when he spoke.
"What does it matter to you? I'm content with the way things are…I can't change them, there's no way I can change them—"
"Yes, there is!!" Kouji cut in angrily, becoming frustrated. "You can't run away from your feelings forever, you have to face them! Damn it Genrou, what can I do to make you see!?"
An empty silence followed these words, and again something snapped in Tasuki. His eyebrows drawn together in anger, he shook his head.
"Just…just leave me alone, Kouji!" he yelled, his temper lost completely. Thoughts raced through his head too quickly to process, and emotions were all that he knew—the predominant one being fear, hidden behind his anger. Kouji found himself growing angry as well, the frustration at his friend's stubborn denial finally getting to him. And yet, this was mostly to mask his fear as well…fear for Tasuki's well-being, fear that he couldn't easily explain. Placing his hands on Tasuki's shoulders and forcing the bandit leader to look into his eyes, the anger melted away and was replaced with desperation. Ignoring Tasuki's previous words, he spoke in a voice that was barely audible, yet he was heard clearly, and for once not ignored or forced away.
"Please…please, listen to me…you have to leave. You're hurting yourself…"
The hands on Tasuki's shoulders trembled, and the eyes that looked into his were pleading. For a brief moment, Tasuki wanted only to collapse right then and there in his friend's arms…to let out all the frustration and sorrow that had built up over the past year, that had been there for too long…
…too long…
And yet, he could not bring himself to do it. His pride was too great, his emotions confusing and unreal…his entire existence was unreal. In that instant, all of his common sense was pushed aside; thoughts of what might happen didn't matter, while at the same time everything mattered. Everything hurt…everyone hurt him…they knew what he felt, they had to, all of them did. Didn't they? They did it on purpose, they didn't care at all…why would they care? Why would they give a damn what he felt? What he wanted? What he needed?
…pushed away…
"Fine."
Again, Tasuki pulled Kouji's hands from his shoulders. For a moment his head was bowed, his eyes and expression hidden; but Kouji felt him shake in the brief moment of contact between their hands. The bandit leader's breathing was heavy, and when he finally looked up, his eyes were filled with emotions previously unknown to him, but only until the guilt had come…always with guilt…
"Fine…" he whispered, lowering his gaze again. The wind wasn't strong, but still cold; the light in the forest was dim and gray, making the trees seem lifeless and dark, tall and foreboding.
Dark...
…why?
"If you want me to leave that much…if you want me to leave, I will." His body shook unwillingly, his eyes burned unwillingly…he always dreamed unwillingly…remembered…
Lifeless…
Tasuki looked up at Kouji and smiled…a bitter smile, his hands still trembling, eyes void of all emotions previously in them. He laughed; it was hollow and forced, and his hands continued to shake.
"So…this is just to get rid of me, right? I don't mind, really…it's what I did to them…I still do it to them. I push them away, because they're not there. They can't ever be…"
…here…
Why do you push me away?
Why did you leave me?
The smile wavered; but still the eyes would not fill with tears. Those eyes never filled with tears, because their owner forbade them of it. If they did, it was because barriers had been broken; if they did, it was because an ever-present guard had shut down, it was because of insecurity…
Doubt…
Because of you.
You broke me.
"I won't come back. If you don't want me…I won't come back. It doesn't matter anyway…don't have a home…place to go…"
Don't…
Kouji's eyes widened at the actions of the former seishi. He didn't know what to make of what Tasuki was saying, but instantly he regretted his decision. He opened his mouth to say something, but no words came; he didn't have the time.
The voice was choked…a guard let down…
"Kouji…goodbye."
The bandit leader was off in an instant, running at his full speed through the darkened forest. Wind whipped at his face, ice-cold tears nearly frozen upon contact with air; the scenery was a blur, and while he had no idea where he was going, that didn't matter in the least to him. He just wanted to get away, away from…
…from what?
Faster…he hadn't used his "gift" since the summoning, but now it felt so good to him. To be able to run, soar past everyone and everything, not have to think or remember…
But eventually, it came to an end. Exhausted, Tasuki stumbled mid-sprint and found himself on the hard, cold ground…still in the forest, but nowhere recognizable to him. Trembling and sobbing, he pulled himself into a sitting position and huddled against a tree. Frozen tears blinded him as he panted and gasped for air, and, ashamed, he rested his head between his knees…
Barriers…
…broken…
Cold, sharp rain poured down in sheets, through the trees, down to the earth…
And onto the figure of the injured wolf…
Who's wound was too deep to heal.