Authors notes: OK this has the possibility of becoming a series dark fic. This fic was based on a fic written by Axel Terizaki called A Tale That Wasn't Right. I LOVED that story. I have a certain… morbid curiosity concerning death and killing, so a little darkness bothers me about as much as WAFF bothers a normal human.
This is Part Two of my continuation of Axels fic. The first part was titled A Tale That Wasn't Right, The Funeral. It takes place after Asukas funeral and gives a little glimpse into Shinji's feelings at that time. Today we will go a little bit into Shinjis life as it is now without Asuka.
Rest assured that it will be VERY depressing. *Laughs maniacally* Just ignore the crazy author. He won't bite. Unless of course you want him to. (Author just realizes WHAT EXACTLY he wrote and slaps himself repeatedly.)Dedicated to: cali_ice, who reviewed my fic and claimed that it was the first worthwhile angst fic s/he had seen in a long time. Thank you cali_ice. I hope this lives up to your expectations.
All right I won't keep you in suspense any longer but I must say one more thing. I have noticed that I never put the disclaimer at the beginning of my fics so I would like to take this time to say that I do NOT own Eva or any of it's characters.
*Ducks various flying objects from the crowd who is anxious to read the fic*
FINE!!! Here it is. *Grumbles a bit about writers not getting any respect anymore until a few stray steel ball bearings strike him in the head, knocking him out cold* (I did say VARIOUS flying objects)
On with the ficA Tale That Wasn't Right
Crumbling Sanity
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"Tadiama!" Shinji called out as he entered the apartment. He slowly dragged himself into the living room and dropped onto the couch, not even bothering to turn on any lights as he did so.
Down the hall, he heard a door slide open, and a rectangular beam of light appeared on the wall. The light was momentarily blocked by a human body, then disappeared altogether as the door slid shut again. Soft footsteps were heard and then Misato Katsuragi appeared before him.
She was still wearing the black dress she had worn at the funeral. Her eyes were tired and blood shot as she sat down on the couch next to him. The apartment was filled with an oppressive silence for a few minutes before Shinji spoke.
"I said good-bye to her Misato-san." His voice was filled with sadness, and what appeared to be a strange mix of anger. Suddenly he seemed to explode. Blood rushed to his face as he began to scream in anger.
"Why did she do it?!!!!" he screamed. "I loved her so much!" he sprang to his feet and stood before the startled Major. At the beginning of his outburst she had been stunned into silence. "She didn't have to do that! She died for nothing. NOTHING! We could have saved her! We… could… have.. saved… her." His voice trailed off and he collapsed into sobs again. He fell forwards, into Misatos arms and she gently held the poor boy as he cried for all he was worth.
After several minutes he slowly got his sobs under control and he stopped crying. Misato gently pulled him away from her and looked at him for a moment.
"Sorry Shinji." A puzzled expression spread over his face as he tried to figure out what she meant. Suddenly he was thrown to the ground as she slapped him as hard as she could. He crumpled to the floor and stayed there, one hand clutching his burning cheek.
Misato stood above him seething with anger. "Yes, I know that you loved her, and she loved you too. But you have to understand that she was an ANGEL. She wanted to die on her own terms. If allowed to continue changing she knew that either you or Ayanami would have had to kill her." Misatos voice was hard and edged with steel.
"She didn't want that to happen. Especially because she knew what it would do to you if YOU had to kill her. So she did it herself. She did not die for nothing." Her voice began to soften. "She died for you Shinji-kun. She died because she knew that her death then would be less painful than her death later." She crouched down and gathered him into her arms.
The emotions swelled within them and soon both were crying for the loss of one so dear, and so close to their hearts. They spent the remainder of the night that way, sobbing softly against each other until they slowly drifted off to sleep.
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Across town another person was crying that night. Hikari Horaki was sobbing quietly in bed. Her bedroom was cast in darkness the only light coming from the moon beaming through her open window.
She had been at the funeral. She had also seen how sad Shinji had looked. She knew him to be a fairly depressed individual at the best of times and she was worried about his continued mental health.
Brief thoughts of him following Asuka on a suicide attempt flashed through her mind and she shuddered visibly. She rolled over onto her other side and eventually cried herself to sleep.
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Deep beneath the earth, in a darkened room Gendo Ikari sat, and waited. Suddenly twelve great monoliths appeared in a flash of light. The words SEELE 01 through 12 were written on them and beneath each number were the words SOUND ONLY. SEELE 01 started the discussion.
"The Second Child is Dead Ikari! What do you have to say for yourself?" Gendo Ikari was silent for a few moments before he spoke.
"This does not interfere with the scenario. The seconds death is nothing but an… inconvenience."
"It is more than an 'inconvenience' as you put it. It is a hindrance to our plans." SEELE 03 yelled out. "The second was meant to survive the encounter with the 15th angel."
"And she did survive that encounter." Gendo remarked his tone as cold and emotionless as ever. "How ever from that point on the scrolls mention nothing of her. The 16th will have be defeated by Rei-"
"You told us that she WAS the 16th!" Gendo turned his head slightly to face SEELE 01.
"I was incorrect. She was not the 16th. She died before the changes could be completed. Her transformation itself was not a part of the scenario, but this does not change anything."
"When the 16th arrives Rei will defeat it. Then Shinji will destroy the 17th angel."
There was silence for a few moments then SEELE 01 spoke again.
"The rest of this meeting is none of your concern Ikari." With that the twelve monoliths vanished, casting the room back into darkness. Gendo continued to sit in the dark, while he considered the possible delays in his scenario due to the Seconds death.
After a few minutes he rose and swiftly walked from the room, to destinations unknown.
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Shinji Ikari slowly woke to see beams of sunlight streaming in through a window. He blinked a few times while he attempted to figure out where he was. Upon sitting up he discovered that he was on the couch in the living room. A glance behind him confirmed that Misato was there too, curled up on the other end of the couch.
He had a vague recollection of waking up in the middle of the night and moving away form Misato. Now he rose and unsteadily made his way towards his bedroom so he could change clothes. Once that task had been completed he moved on to making breakfast.
As the smells of breakfast cooking filled the house Misatos eyes slowly fluttered open. She winced at the bright light streaming through the window and closed her eyes again. After several minutes she was able to force her eyes open and she dragged herself into the kitchen.
She stumbled up to the table and dropped heavily into a chair. A sound in front of her caught her attention. She opened her eyes to see a can of beer sitting before her. After casting a grateful look in Shinjis direction she opened the beer and chugged the whole thing.
But this morning she did not let out her characteristic whoop after finishing the beer. She was still too depressed because of Asuka to get any pleasure out of her beer anymore. She looked up as Shinji started to hand her another beer and waved him away.
He cast her a questioning glance as she rose from her chair to get a cup of coffee. Their eyes met and Shinji nodded his approval before turning back to his cooking.
"I've come to a decision Misato." he said She looked up at him over the rim of her cup from her place back at the table. He turned to look at her. "I love Asuka, now more than ever. I have decided to keep piloting, even though it is because of that damn thing that she died." His eyes were moist with repressed tears, and his voice was thick with emotion.
"I will continue to pilot because she wouldn't have wanted me to quit."
"Shinji. From what I've been able to figure out we have two angels left. That is the end. There are only supposed to be seventeen of them. When this is over, we'll leave here. We'll go away and start a new life some where else."
Shinji shook his head violently.
"No Misato. I won't leave. I can't ever leave this city. Asuka is buried here, and I won't leave her." Misato looked thoughtfully at him for a minute, judging the conviction in his words.
"OK Shinji. We'll stay."
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Rei Ayanami was confused. She is laying face down on her bed, her chin resting on her arms, which are folded in front of her. She has been in that position for quite some time thinking over the last few days.
What do I feel? she wonders. I am… upset about pilot Sohryus' death. But why am I upset? She knew the risks. There is always the possibility that one of us may die at any time. Rei continues to consider her emotions as she gazes at the wall in front of her.
After the many hours that she has spent contemplating her jumbled feelings she decides to ask the one person who might be able to help her. With this goal in mind she rises from her bed and leaves her apartment, not bothering to lock the door behind her.
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"I'll get it." Shinji says as the doorbell rings. He rises from his seat at the table and walks over to the front door. He opens it and is startled to find Kensuke standing on the other side of the door.
"Hey Shinji." Kensuke said in a cheerful tone of voice. Shinjis expression darkens at the tone in his friends' voice. How can he be in such a good mood after all that has happened.
"Well you sure seem to be in a good mood." Shinji spat in disgust. Kensukes cheerful smile vanishes and is replaced with a grim frown.
"Sorry man. I know this is a tough time for you. That's why I came down here today. You can't brood about this. I'm upset too but I couldn't let you get too depressed I know you, so I put on the cheerful face to try and come cheer you up."
"Thank you Kensuke. But you don't have to worry about me. I'm not gonna try to follow Asuka." Shinji saw the guilty look on Kensukes face. "You thought I was going to try and kill myself?" he asked incredulously.
Kensuke sheepishly nodded. Shinji fumed for a minute about that and then noticed that he had left Kensuke standing in the hall.
"Have you eaten yet?" Shinji asked. Kensuke shook his head silently his face still holding the guilty flush that had crept into his cheeks at being caught. "Well come on in. I have breakfast ready if you would like some."
"Thanks Shinji." He stepped inside and followed Shinji down the hallway into the kitchen. Kensuke came to an abrupt halt as his eyes landed on the scantily dressed Major sitting at the table calmly eating her breakfast. His hand flew to his face to try and stop his nosebleed.
"Oh hi Kensuke." Misato said when she noticed him. Then a worried frown crossed her face. "Are you all right?" He nodded and stumbled into a chair where Shinji had all ready set a plate of food.
Soon Kensuke had his nosebleed under control and just as they started to resume eating the doorbell rang again. Shinji sighed in irritation as he once again rose to answer the door. He opened it to find Hikari, and Touji waiting patiently.
"Hey Shinji." Touji said from his wheel chair. He made no attempt to sound cheerful. Hikari looked very nervous standing next to Toujis' chair.
"Good morning Ikari-kun." She mumbled.
"What are you guy's doing here?" Shinji asked. "Better yet, how did you get out of the hospital Touji?" Shinji felt a slight pang of guilt as he stepped around to push Toujis chair into the apartment. Hikari followed close behind.
Once inside they all sat in an uncomfortable silence. Kensuke was watching Shinji. Shinji as staring at Toujis chair. Hikari was watching Shinji, Touji was watching Shinji, Misato was watching Shinji. Pen-Pen… He was still asleep in his fridge.
Suddenly Shinji became aware of all the staring eyes. He looks around at them.
"What?" he shouts. They all look at each other and finally Hikari speaks.
"We're all worried about you Shinji. We know how depressed you can get…" Her voice trails off as she sees the look of anger that comes over his face.
"Damn it! Is every body convinced that I'm going to try to kill myself?" Shinji yells. Every one shrinks back slightly at the outburst and then in an almost frightening mimicking of Asuka and Shinji synch training days they all nod their heads.
Shinji sit back dumbfounded, He opens his mouth to speak but is cut off as the doorbell rings yet again. By now thoroughly annoyed Shinji stalks over to the door and violently stabs the button to open it with his finger.
He opens his mouth to snap a retort at whoever is there but his anger fades away as he sees Rei standing there calmly looking at him.
"Pilot Ikari I would wish to speak with you." she says in her small monotone. All Shinji can do is nod as he steps aside to let her pass. She walks by him and into the apartment, waiting for him to close the door before continuing.
Once they are all at the kitchen table silence reigns over the apartment yet again until finally Rei decides to speak up.
"Ikari I wish to speak with you." She said again
"What about, Ayanami?" Shinji is obviously curious, his earlier anger gone.
"I believe that I am upset about the death of the second." Shinji gaped at her a moment before regaining his composure.
"That is a normal response Rei. When some one close to you has died then it is natural to feel upset about it."
"I also feel something else that I can not explain." Rei said a frown crossing her usually blank face. "I think I am worried about you….. Ikari-Kun." The words feel strange in her mouth and she wonders if that was the right thing to say.
"W.. w.. what do you mean Rei?" Shinji stammered, though he all ready had a glimmer of what she was thinking.
"I am not sure." Rei said. "I just seem to feel that you might hurt yourself." During the conversation the other occupants in the room had remained silent but hearing Rei express the same concern for Shinji that they had was just too much.
They all burst out laughing. Hikari was hanging on Kensukes' arm. Touji was almost falling out of his wheel chair; Misato DID fall out of her chair landing on the floor with a thump where she continued to laugh while rolling around on the carpet.
Rei had a confused expression on her face, while Shinjis face steadily darkened in anger. Finally after several minutes of listening to them all laughing he exploded in rage.
"Why is this funny to all of you?!!" he screamed slamming his palm down on the table so hard that Misatos' beer fell off the edge onto the floor. "Why can't you figure it out? I am not going to kill myself!!!!"
They continued to laugh and Shinji spun on his heel stalking to the front door. The laughter inside masked the sounds of the door closing. Rei continued to sit there, looking at all of them with a bemused expression, then she too rose and left the apartment.
Pen-Pen opened the door to his fridge and looked out at the laughing humans.
"Wwwaaarrk?"
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Out on the street Shinji is rapidly stomping away from the apartment complex mumbling to himself. Rei followed at a discreet distance. She was still trying to figure out what it is she felt for Shinji and she was determined to find out.
After several minutes Shinji found himself quite a ways from the apartment and he noticed that he was not too far from Asukas cemetery. Even though she had only been buried the day before he decided to go visit her.
He walked purposefully towards the cemetery. Once there he stood before Asuka grave for a few minutes in thought. Finally he just started talking to her.
"Hello Asuka." He said. "I know I was here yesterday but I had to come again. It's only been four days but I miss you." Shinjis voice was thick and as he spoke his eyes filled with tears. "No body has any faith in me anymore. They all think I'm going to kill myself. Misato, Hikari, Kensuke, Touji. Hell even Rei showed up at the apartment saying that she was worried that I would hurt myself!"
"I can't do this Asuka! I tell them that I am going to live on for you but I know that I won't be able to for very much longer." The tears were now streaming openly down his cheeks and Shinji was sick of it. Since the funeral he had all ready cried for hours and it felt as if he would never stop crying.
Suddenly he became aware of a presence behind him. Without even turning he knew who it was. "What do you want Rei?" he asked.
"I want to understand what I am feeling." Shinji laughed a harsh, quick retort.
"You want to understand what you are feeling Rei?" he said. Shinjis was overcome with a rage he had never known. "Rei! You are feeling remorse at the loss of a teammate. Nothing more." He turned to look at her impassive expression.
His eyes narrowed as he carefully studied every detail of her face. "You know what Rei? I think Asuka was right. You really are a doll." The shock was clearly visible on her face for a moment before she slid back into her expressionless mask.
"I am not a doll." She said. "And I do not feel remorse at her loss. I think I am worried about you and your hurt at losing her." Shinji considered her words for a minute before speaking again.
"What are you trying to say Rei?" he asked. Rei cocked her head to one side and looked at him for a minute
"I believe I am trying to say that I care about you." Surprisingly Shinji took this news rather well. Which is to say he didn't immediately start stuttering in embarrassment.
"I can't love you Rei." Shinji said, his voice heavy with sadness. "I can't do that. I love her too much. Even after she is gone I love her more than anything else in my life." Rei stepped forward and placed one hand on his arm.
"I did not say that I loved you…. Shinji." Saying his first name felt odd to her, but she sensed that it was the right thing to do. "I am saying that I care for you. I do not want to see you hurt. Her death has hurt you, and I want to help."
Shinji looked deeply into her red eyes with his blue ones. His eyes were dead and lifeless. Gone from them was the fire of anger he had felt earlier. And when he spoke it was as if he was bearing some great burden on his shoulders.
"You can't help Rei." he whispered. "No one can help. Please leave me alone." He turned away from her and stared down at Asukas grave. After several minutes Rei tore her eyes away from the grieving boy and left without a word.
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"Shinji." Asuka whispers. She is standing next to her grave, watching as the boy weeps before her. Rei had been gone for several minutes now. Asuka had awoken the day of the funeral in this….. place.
It looked like she was still apart of the world at large, but she found that she was unable to move more than ten feet from her grave, and no one could hear her when she spoke.
She had cried as well when Shinji had collapsed before her grave, kissing the grave marker before turning and walking away.
"Why am I here?" she asked for what must have been the thousandth time since she had woken up. And for the thousandth time, no answer was forthcoming. She looked up as she saw Shinji slowly turn and walk away from the grave.
"Goodbye Shinji." She said, knowing that he could not hear her, but feeling that she had to say something. She continued to watch as he slowly disappeared over a hill in the cemetery. Seconds after he vanished from view a boy approached her grave.
Asuka was sitting on top of the marker so when he looked at it, it almost seemed as if he was looking right at her. Her legs were crossed dangling down in front of the marker. She took a moment to study this boy, whom she had never seen before.
Thin, pale skin, like Ayanami. A surprisingly messy shock of gray hair, and eyes as red as Rei's. He stood staring at the grave marker for several minutes before finally, he spoke.
"Excuse me, could you move your leg?" Asuka looked around for a moment then back at the boy standing before her. "Miss. Langley, could you please move your leg." He said again, his voice soft and warm. "I would like to read the inscription."
Dumbfounded Asuka jumped off of the marker to the ground and watched as he silently read the inscription. "Beautiful." He said, then turned to face Asuka.
"You can see me?" she asked. He smiled at her and nodded his head once. He held out his hand to her.
"My name is Kaoru, Kaoru Nagisa. And you, Miss. Langley, are dead." She paused in the act of reaching out to him. Her eyes narrowed, and her yellow sundress fluttered in the breeze.
"Who the hell are you?" she asked as he took her hand in a firm handshake.
"I am your guide, and I am the 17th angel."
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Several hours have passed since Shinji stormed out of the Katsuragi household, and since then the laughter has long ceased. The group assembled discussed the situation for an hour or so before lapsing into an uneasy silence.
Shinji enters the apartment to find them all strewn about the main room. Hikari and Kensuke are both sitting on the floor near the TV which is turned off. Touji is sitting in the space between the kitchen and the living room in his wheel chair.
Misato was not to be seen. Shinji stepped into the living room from the hallway and found her sprawled out on the couch sound asleep. He raised one eyebrow questioningly.
"She finished her twentieth beer about ten minutes after you left and passed out about twenty minutes later." Hikari said by way of explanation.
"Oh." Shinji swept his gaze around the room meeting all of their eyes. "I want you guys to know that I have no intention of killing myself. Asuka would want me to go on living and I intend to. She would be disgusted with me if I gave up now."
"I believe you Shinji." Touji said. "But I wasn't entirely worried about you trying to kill yourself. I was also worried about you as a friend." Touji pushed himself forward a little leaning forward in his chair. "We all know how much you loved her. We saw you at the funeral." Shinji blinked in surprise.
"You were there?" he asked. "I didn't see you."
"We thought it would be best not to disturb you." Kensuke said. "You didn't look very good and we didn't think you would want to talk at the time." Shinji nodded his head.
"You're right. I wasn't in a very good frame of mind at the time. You were also right about Asuka. I loved her very much. I still can't believe that she is gone but I have to except it I guess."
The conversation continued for a few more hours as they all recounted memories of Asuka Langley Sohryu. They laughed when they thought of their meeting on the deck of the Over The Rainbow, and the memory of Toujis red face after she had slapped him.
Soon though it began to get late and everyone left. On his way out the door Touji stopped and looked back at Shinji.
"Don't think about it man." He said. "If you start to think that you could have
done something to save her, it will eat you alive from the inside out. Trust me on this. I've been through it with my sister."
Shinji nodded once. Then Touji was gone, and the door hissed shut behind him. Shinji stood for several minutes staring at the door. Then he sighed and turned back to the living room. Misato was still asleep. She had not stirred once throughout the entire conversation they had had.
Shinji decided to get some sleep. He went down the hall to his room and slipped into bed, not bothering to change his clothes. He was too tired. He reached out for his SDAT player and put the earphones into his ear.
The music started, but tonight he found no solace in the calming melodies on his tape. Finally he sighed and got out of bed. Like he had for the last three days he walked out of his room and down the hall to Asukas room.
He opened the door and went inside to lay down on her bed. This place that had been so important to her, brought him some comfort. He pulled in on himself until he was in the fetal position and as the music poured into his ears he cried himself to sleep.
End
Authors notes: Like I said this chapter is a little bit about how Shinji is coping with losing Asuka. Rest assured that in the next chapter there will be more Shinji/Rei interaction. For those of you who are hoping out there I must say sorry but this will NOT become a Shinji/Rei fic.
In the next Chapter: the death and rebirth of Rei Ayanami, with the attack of the sixteenth angel. More about Asuka will be revealed. Shinji discovers the horrifying truth behind Rei. What will this revelation do to his already shattered mind?
All questions, comments, and flames should be sent to me at neongenisis51857@compuserve.com
Until next time….
See you on the other side.
A Tale That Wasn't Right: Crumbling Sanity
Written by…
Ryan T. Nelson
I would like to thank my pre-readers
Réka Marosi (thank you. Szeretlek Angylom.)
NanuNanu14 (This guy was a help with the story, he's pretty good. However after listening to him I decided NOT to use his suggestion. Sorry man I just thought that Hikari was kinda needed there. I mean she was in the city at the time ^_^)
None of my other pre-readers responded at all. Any one who would like to pre-read for me should contact me as soon as possible. Thank you.