Gunning Down Romance
Author: Mella
Rating: R for swearing, adult themes, teacher-student relationship (nothing graphic), suicide and self harm. Not as bad as it sounds, but don't read it unless you can cope with it. I don't want to be responsible for screwing with your head.
Summary: Harry has trouble dealing with Hermione's somewhat unconventional relationship. With a healthy dollop of angst.
A/N: *sigh* They're not mine. I promise to return them to JKR just as soon as I've finished playing with their lives. Hopefully without permanently damaging Harry. And definetly without earning a cent (and if I did, I'd have had to have paid half of it in tax, anyway). Oh, and the song lyrics aren't mine either. They come from Gunning Down Romance, You Can Still Be Free, and Two Beds and a Coffee Machine by Savage Garden (from the album Affirmation).
Part 1: Keep this Monster In
Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain
And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in your veins
In your veins
Love come quickly
Because I feel my self-esteem is caving in
It's on the brink
Love come quicklyBecause I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin
What the fuck am I meant to do now? I don't know how to deal with this. Harry Potter, saviour of the wizarding world, Gryffindor poster boy, Mr Popularity, completely inept when it comes to emotions. But, damn it, it's not like this is some kind of normal teenage issue. And, well, Hermione – she's the last person I'd expect to do something like this. Perfect, good Hermione. Ha. I want to hate her. It'd be easier if I could hate her. I can't. I know it's not worth screwing up our friendship over.
Keeping this secret is eating me up inside. I can't talk to anyone about it (not even Ron) and I'm lost for words with Hermione, so I pretend all is normal. Like we are both social incompetents and studious, and happy enough to keep it that way. The way it was. How dare they tip my world upside down like this? Who'll be there to pick up the pieces when everything falls apart? Me. Or worse, what if there's never any pieces to pick up? If it lasts and eventually I have to come to terms with it? I've never felt so left behind in my life. Betrayed by my best friend, keeping secrets from all my other friends.
I'm paranoid I'll fuck up and blurt something out, in my sleep, or something. I cast half-a-dozen silencing charms around my bed each night – at least that way there's no risk, and I can cry and scream as much as I like with frustration. God, it's bad enough now, but if they're ever found out, it'll be worse. She'll be stripped of her head girl position, and probably suspended. Maybe worse. Terrible, yes, especially for someone like Hermione, but it'd be far, far worse for him. I can hear the accusations of child abuse and paedophilia now. Professor Lupin would be hauled over the coals by the Ministry and he'd never get another job. Aren't that many around for paedophilic werewolves. Even I'm not far enough gone in my anger to wish that on him. I shouldn't care about him, but I do. I've always seen him as a kind of role model and almost a friend to me, and somehow his betrayal is worse. If he hurts Hermione, I'll kill him. How dare they do this to me? It makes me so angry. And at the same time, I'm aware just how incredibly selfish and self-indulgent that anger is.
Love. Ha. I don't love Hermione. But I am jealous. I want to have a relationship. Even one fucked up like that. Hermione thinks I won't talk about it because I disapprove. But I don't. It's jealousy, pure and simple. Disapproval? That'd mean I have morals, and I shut those off a year ago, just to survive. I had to stop blaming myself and to stop scrutinising every little action. But I had to sacrifice my ability to talk and empathise too, and I think I'm losing it. Maybe what truly bothers me is that I don't object to their relationship. Obviously it does bother me, on some level. It's weird to call him Professor now. I've stopped calling him anything at all, if I can help it. And as for Hermione – she's not the same old 'Mione and I can't call her by her nickname anymore.
She was always the most reliable part of my life: safe, stable and trustworthy. The last person I'd ever have expected to do something perceived to be so inherently 'bad'. She's not a rebel – far from it. Fuck. Maybe I should talk to someone. There's no one here I can talk to and still keep it quiet. I can't even talk to Ron, since Hermione made me promise. Hard as it is to keep it secret, knowing the consequences, it'd be even harder to talk about it. I really, really didn't need this shit this year. With my NEWTs coming up – and still almost a year of secrecy – things are worse than ever before.
I can't even say –or write – the words. Euphemisms. 'Him'. 'Them'. 'It'. I tried writing it. Doesn't work. Hermione doesn't talk about it much. I guess she sees I don't want to. She doesn't know I need to, but can't.
Part 2: Socially Acceptable Emotions
Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphineThey're morphine
Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Rarely seen
Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of view
The world of two
Love don't leave me
Because I console myself that Hallmark cards are true
I really do
Oh fuck. I fucked up today. Seriously fucked up. Back to my good old trick of thinking though everything so much. I keep doing stupid bloody things. So busy watching out for them –for suspicious behaviour – that I forget to give them privacy. And worse, I forget to be a friend. I think I've forgotten how to be a friend. I ask stupid, tactless questions that sound fine in my head. We're drifting apart (more like being wrenched apart) and all we talk about are our classes, since it's safe ground. Today she was upset – wouldn't or couldn't say why – and I couldn't do anything to help her. I've forgotten how to do sympathy, happiness and kindness. Then only emotions I can manage are anger and stress. So I complain. Thank god for Ginny, she's keeping me sane. Basically a sounding post for my complaints (except the one I really want to tell her about). Effectively I'm using her but she doesn't seem to mind. I find it difficult to care, anyway.
Fantastic. The Yule Ball is this week. I get to keep Hermione company, and then cover for her later. Not that there's anyone I actually want to go with, anyway. But she has no right to wreck my final Yule Ball for me. I'm perfectly capable of doing that on my own. Not that it's any easier on them. Remus (I've finally managed to call him that, at least in my head) has been having difficulties with his lycanthropy again and Hermione has to hide how hard it is for her in front of everyone. I just hope they realise how much this has fucked up all our lives.
Somehow I always thought that writing all this down would help me to deal with my demons. Sometimes I worry I never will. I feel like a rat on a wheel, going round in circles, never getting anywhere and precariously close to a rat trap, waiting till I make my fatal mistake. Waiting to screw up our friendship, just as a certain other rat we know did. In the rational part of my brain I know it's unfair to compare myself to Pettigrew. But emotions don't understand rationality and nor does guilt. Blame. It's a vicious cycle. I need…god, I don't know what I need. I just feel alone, and my life is simply an endless routine of classes, Quidditch and escaping incredulous first years armed with cameras and stuff to sign. Bloody Colin Creevy. What is he, some kind of trend-setter? Each day starting with coffee and hope that maybe this will be the day that things get better. Each day ending with more coffee, study, stress and tears. I'm not ashamed to say I cry over this. The whole macho thing is over-rated, anyway. It's all this inaction I really hate. I can't do anything except get through each day. I think people are starting to notice me withdrawing from them. I don't mean to, but it's hard to concentrate on their little problems. I'm a bad friend, so sue me (apparently that's the muggle phrase of the day, sounds pretty stupid to me but Dean will keep saying it to annoy me).
God, I make myself sick. I, I, I. I'm so incredibly selfish. Hermione is looking pale and troubled, and probably going through plenty more problems than me, and I can't help her because…shit, I don't know why. Maybe it's because she made a choice in this matter. I didn't. On some level she deserves it to be difficult. As if it wasn't going to be. I wonder if she expected it to be so difficult. I guess it would be a pretty hard relationship to get out of – Remus is pretty intense. And I think class is hard now. What would it be like if they broke up and they hated each other? Right, no more 'what ifs', I simply can't handle them.
Part 3: Broken Wings I'm gunning down romance It never did a thing for me But heartache and misery Ain't nothing but a tragedy
Love don't leave me
Take these broken wings
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
And learn to fly away
And learn to fly away
I'm gunning down romance
Hermione scared the shit out of me today. We were working together in Potions when she said something about taking the potion we were making. I thought she was kidding, and laughed, but she just stared at me and said 'I'm not joking' in a flat, monotonous voice. I think she's suicidal. If she wanted to, I couldn't stop her. And I couldn't cope without her, despite the crap she's caused in my life. She sounded depressed. I think I might be too. I think about suicide all the time, but I don't think I could ever do it. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, distant as it is, and I know all I have to do is make it. I couldn't kill myself. I have made myself sick though. I just needed a break, and that was the only way I could get one. I knew taking that stuff could've killed me, but I couldn't be bothered enough to worry about it. Shit. As if exams weren't a big enough stress for me. Last year at school, meant to be the best year. It'll certainly be the most memorable. Fuck. Okay, I think my life's bad but it's nothing on some of my so-called friends. Lavender's mum has a muggle disease called cancer – which has neither magical nor muggle cure – and the squib brother of a sixth year Ravenclaw shot himself. But knowing that doesn't make my problems any easier to deal with. It's clichéd, but time is the only cure. I'm still angry but it's not sharp the way it was. Only time will tell.
Epilogue: Silent Fortress
Another ditch in the roadYou keep moving
Another stop sign
You keep moving on
And the years go by so fast
Silent fortress built to last
Wonder how I ever made it
Well, we got through it. I drowned my misery in study and came out with equally good marks as Hermione. It wasn't very satisfying. But life moves on. The relationship became common knowledge post-Hogwarts and I was the main source of information –or gossip – since most people couldn't ask Hermione for details. And I dealt with it, mostly. I can discuss things a little now, two years since we graduated and nearly a year since Hermione ended the relationship. So I never had to pick up the pieces. But Remus didn't take it so well at first. Neither Hermione nor I have any contact with him these days. I suspect he knows to steer clear of me, but it does make me just a little sad. In the end I was the one to break the news to both Ron and Ginny, both of whom (especially Ginny, surprisingly) were taken completely by surprise and were offended that it was me that told them. Hermione and I have repaired our friendship, though there remains a few boundaries and a few taboo topics. After tormenting myself for two years, I finally said the things I should have said earlier. I said sorry for not being a good friend. She said sorry for not being a good friend . Things are good now, and we can discuss most things freely. I suspect a part of me will always be bitter and angry, and I will continue to cry when I think of the years that were and the years that should have been.
Cool breeze and autumn leaves
Slow motion daylight
A lone pair of watchful eyes
Oversee the living
Feel the presence all around
A tortured soul
A wound unhealing
No regrets or promises
The past is gone
But you can still be free
If time will set you free
Additional notes: Before you flame me, I don't think Remus and Hermione would ever end up together. But then, I never expected my best friend to go out with one of our teachers, either. So I'm not sure how much of this drivel is my reaction and how much is Harry's, but I wouldn't tell you anyway. Now, flame away. (Or, on the off chance this is any good, say something nice!)