ROMEO AND JULIET REWRITE (oh dear)
Ok, this is the first fic I've ever put up, as I'm technologically inept and useless, and rely on the help of my child sister for everything I do. This is pretty much a crossover, but I couldn't think where else to put it, so. don't worry, Sorcerer Hunters does get a look in! Anyways, enough.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
ESCALUS, Prince of city - SESSHOUMARU (Inuyasha)
PARIS, a young nobleman, kinsman to the Prince - KURAMA (Yu Yu Hakusho)
MONTAGUE, head of Montague family - ANOTSU KAGEHISA
(Blade of the Immortal)
CAPULET, head of Capulet family - CARROT GLACE (Bakuretsu Hunters)
ROMEO, son to Montague - KANEDA (Akira)
MERCUTIO, kinsman to the Prince, friend to Romeo - HIMURA KENSHIN (Rurouni Kenshin)
BENVOLIO, nephew to Montague, friend to Romeo - HIEI (Yu Yu Hakusho)
TYBALT, nephew to Lady Capulet - MANJI (Blade of the Immortal)
FRIAR LAWRENCE, a Franciscan - YUKI EIRI (Gravitation)
BALTHAZAR, servant to Romeo - VAN FANEL (Escaflowne)
LADY MONTAGUE, wife to Montague - ASANO RIN (Blade of the Immortal)
LADY CAPULET, wife to Capulet - MILLE FEUILLE (Bakuretsu Hunters)
JULIET, daughter to Capulet - MARRON GLACE (Bakuretsu Hunters)
NURSE, to Juliet - DILANDAU (Escaflowne)
THE PROLOGUE
Enter CHORUS (YURIKA and RURI from Nadesico) On screen, as this is the big budget version without dodgy tights like the Zefferelli version
Yurika: Er.er.ooh! Yes! Me and Miss Bunny Ruri are gonna tell you a story!
Ruri: This is supposed to be in iambic pentameter, Captain.
Yurika: (settling down) Never mind. This is a story from the place where the worlds collide.woo. This is a tale of love and chefs and -
Ruri: It isn't actually.
Yurika: (oblivious) Well anyway, basically, there were two families, and they didn't like each other, ooh, isn't that sad, and they had some kids, god knows how, and everybody had big problems and gender-bending issues, snark!
Ruri: They were idiots.
Yurika: Why am I saying all this, everybody knows what happened anyway.
(Audience, which appears to comprise a large number of Fushigi Yugi characters, shakes heads and looks confused.)
Ruri: (disgusted) Just follow the script, Captain.
Yurika: Well then, without further ado, we present our play! Sorry, film. Thing. Yay! Let's go! Enjoy!
Ruri: (sigh)
ACT I, SCENE I
Streets (Probably in the Makai, as it seems to have the most room for set construction)
Enter Sampson and Gregory (DUO MAXWELL and QUATRE RABERBA WINNER, Gundam Wing)
Duo: Dude. Don't you just love being a Capulet?
Quatre: That was a really transparent attempt to subtly show people what side we're on. Duo: I don't do subtle.
Quatre: We noticed.
Duo: Yep. I'm glad I'm not a Montague, oh yes. And I'm glad we're the only two pilots capable of cracking a joke, hence these excellent comic roles.
Quatre: I'm just glad I've got a job where I don't have to blow people up.
Duo: Killing people is fun! (giggles)
Quatre: (looking at script) We're supposed to be telling bawdy jests about girls.
Duo: I kind of look like a girl.
Quatre: (sighs) Yes, we know.
Duo: But listen to my manly voice. I couldn't be anything but a boy!
Quatre: This really isn't going anywhere, is it?
Duo: (looks crestfallen) I guess. Let's go eat ice cream and do each other's hair, like Sailor Moon!
Quatre: (brightens up)
Duo: Oh, wait, actually, here come the Montagues. Yee!
Quatre: Oh no.
Enter Abraham and Balthazar (HEERO YUI, Gundam Wing, and VAN FANEL)
Duo: (bouncing up and down waving) Yee, Heero, Heero!
Heero: (looks embarrassed)
Duo: Well fine then. Let's kill them. Go on Quatre, do your Zero thing.
Quatre: No! That was an accident.
Duo: Oh go on! Let's blow them up!
Quatre: Can't you try subtlety, just once?
Duo: Okay. (sticks thumbs in ears, pulls disgusting face, wiggles fingers)
Heero: Stop it Duo. That's not funny.
Duo: (blows raspberry) Come on, it's only a joke!
Van: We're noted for having no sense of humour.
Duo: Nyah, nyah, Heero wears tank tops!
Quatre: (shakes head in despair)
Heero: Omae o korosu.
Enter Benvolio (HIEI)
Quatre: Oh dear.
Duo: Aah, isn't he little and cute?!
Quatre: Oh crap.
Duo: (looks shocked)
(Heero, taking advantage of the distraction, hits Duo over the head with his revolver and pulls his hair. Fight ensues.)
Hiei: Lemme at 'em!
Van: (holding him back) No, you're too perilous.
Hiei: Bet you're gay.
Van: (coughs)
Enter Tybalt (MANJI)
Manji: All right, a fight! Let's go, pussies!
Hiei: Come on then!
Manji: (looks around for a few minutes, then spots him) Oh, it's you. Ha ha, you can't kill me, shrimp! I'm too cool.
Hiei: (removing wards from arm) Wanna bet?
(They fight.)
Enter several of both houses (mostly characters from X and Ninja Scroll because they make for good combat scenes when not pining over doomed loves/mortal enemies etc.), who begin fighting.
Hubbub: Hah! Die! (boom!) Aaagh!! Kokoryuha!! Rhubarb! It's a Gundam!
Enter Old Montague in a kimono /dressing gown (ANOTSU), and Lady Montague (RIN)
Anotsu: Oooh, a fight! Give me my sword back, girl.
Rin: What? You never fight! Get Magatsu to do it for you.
Anotsu: (whingeing) But I want to kill Maanjiii!
Rin: No.
Anotsu: Not fair. Look, Capulet's got a sword!
Enter Old Capulet (CARROT GLACE) and Lady Capulet (MILLE FEUILLE)
Carrot: Nyah! Nyah! I've got a sword! Come and get it, girly-boy!
Mille: How can anyone be so clueless and yet so cuuute?! (glomps onto Carrot)
Carrot: Aaargh! Get off me!
Enter Prince Escalus (SESSHOUMARU), with his train and his big fluffy tail.
Sess: Damn I'm pretty. Look at my pretty tail. (realises what is going on) Hey! Stop that! You! Put that sword down! Stop that Kokoryuha! I'm the most powerful demon around here, thank you very much. How many more times is this going to happen?! Anotsu, you should know better. Carrot. well.yeah. Come here, both of you. Now what do you say?
Anotsu: (mumble mumble)
Sess: Pardon?
Anotsu: . sorry.
Carrot: (scowling) .sorry.
Sess: (addressing each one in turn) Eye contact: hand. Eye contact: hand. (gives them both a slap) Behave yourselves now, on pain of pain. Now go away. I have to go brush my long silky blue hair.
Exuent all but Anotsu, Rin and Hiei.
Anotsu: All right, who started it? It was you, wasn't it?
Hiei: No.
Anotsu: It was, wasn't it?
Hiei: No! It was Manji.
Anotsu: Oh, honestly!
Hiei: (scowling) He called me a shrimp.
Anotsu: (starts laughing, but thinks better of it)
Rin: Stop bickering you pair of big girls. Has anyone seen my idiot son? I can't believe he wasn't involved in this.
Hiei: (sulking) Saw him this morning. On his stupid big stupid bike. He could have run me over if it hadn't been for my lightning speed and dexterity. Looked pissed off.
Anotsu: Yes?
Rin: Probably been shot down again, useless little nympho. He takes after you, you know.
Anotsu: Yes, yes, I am a man who knows nothing about making a woman happy, we've all heard.
Rin: Well you'd better go and find out Hiei.
Hiei: (scowling) Why me?
Rin: And tell him to come and clean his room out.
Enter Romeo (KANEDA)
Hiei: Hn. There he is.
Anotsu: (watching him in weary disbelief) Is he really my kid? Really? Hey, I'm only 22. Plus, I'm too pretty to be his dad.
Rin: Yeah. Yeah! I'm a year older than him! One year! This sucks. And.and.wait. I'm not being your wife, you killed my dad. Motherfucker!
(Pulls out golden wasps and stabs Anotsu, who falls over)
Anotsu: Ow. Fucking ho, you're just asking for a bitch-slap.
Hiei: (rolling eyes) This is screwy. Get lost. I'll go get the idiot.
Exuent Anotsu and Rin
Hiei: (sidles up to Kaneda) Hello brat.
Kaneda: Gaah! Where did you crawl out from?!
Hiei: (draws sword) Do you want to die?
Kaneda: Urk.
Hiei: (adopting singsong voice and bored expression) Pray tell me cousin, what is troubling you this merry morn?
Kaneda: (gives him odd look) What are you talking about?
Hiei: (back to normal) Nothing. I was trying out acting. I don't think I'll bother anymore. (grimacing) I take it you have woman problems, loser?
Kaneda: Huh. Bitch. I was being really classy and everything, offered to beat up her boyfriend so she wouldn't have to dump him, and what do I get?
Hiei: ..
Kaneda: A kick in the head and a high heel in a very painful place. Love sucks. Are you laughing at me?
Hiei: Yes.
Kaneda: You complete bastard. Get lost.
Hiei: Hn. I don't think so. So; who's the poor woman this time?
Kaneda: (goes all woogly -eyed) Ah, her name.
Hiei: (deadpan) Well yes that does help.
Kaneda: My darling, she won't return my ardour. what shall I do.
Hiei: (making vomiting sounds)
Kaneda: .My beautiful Nuriko.
Hiei: (rolling eyes) You always do this. Always.
Kaneda: .She. what?
Hiei: Why is it so hard for you to tell the difference between a girl and a boy?
Kaneda: Eh? What're you talking about?
Hiei: (long suffering sigh) Nuriko. Is. A. Boy.
Kaneda: Ha ha, you're joking.
Hiei: You just won't be told, will you?
Kaneda: .ah, I love her.
Hiei: If you take my advice you'll try someone a bit more. female. I'm not saying you'll do any better with them, though.
Kaneda: (snidely) Yeah, well, your advice isn't exactly based on limitless experience, is it? I don't think playing 'hunt the evil demon' with that Kurama woman counts, do you?
Hiei: (wearily) Kurama is a boy.
Kaneda: Whatever. Let's go stalk Rune and Rath.
Hiei: Fine. But I get the bike.
Kaneda: You can't ride that bike!
Hiei: I can do anything.
Exuent, arguing.
Ok, this is the first fic I've ever put up, as I'm technologically inept and useless, and rely on the help of my child sister for everything I do. This is pretty much a crossover, but I couldn't think where else to put it, so. don't worry, Sorcerer Hunters does get a look in! Anyways, enough.
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
ESCALUS, Prince of city - SESSHOUMARU (Inuyasha)
PARIS, a young nobleman, kinsman to the Prince - KURAMA (Yu Yu Hakusho)
MONTAGUE, head of Montague family - ANOTSU KAGEHISA
(Blade of the Immortal)
CAPULET, head of Capulet family - CARROT GLACE (Bakuretsu Hunters)
ROMEO, son to Montague - KANEDA (Akira)
MERCUTIO, kinsman to the Prince, friend to Romeo - HIMURA KENSHIN (Rurouni Kenshin)
BENVOLIO, nephew to Montague, friend to Romeo - HIEI (Yu Yu Hakusho)
TYBALT, nephew to Lady Capulet - MANJI (Blade of the Immortal)
FRIAR LAWRENCE, a Franciscan - YUKI EIRI (Gravitation)
BALTHAZAR, servant to Romeo - VAN FANEL (Escaflowne)
LADY MONTAGUE, wife to Montague - ASANO RIN (Blade of the Immortal)
LADY CAPULET, wife to Capulet - MILLE FEUILLE (Bakuretsu Hunters)
JULIET, daughter to Capulet - MARRON GLACE (Bakuretsu Hunters)
NURSE, to Juliet - DILANDAU (Escaflowne)
THE PROLOGUE
Enter CHORUS (YURIKA and RURI from Nadesico) On screen, as this is the big budget version without dodgy tights like the Zefferelli version
Yurika: Er.er.ooh! Yes! Me and Miss Bunny Ruri are gonna tell you a story!
Ruri: This is supposed to be in iambic pentameter, Captain.
Yurika: (settling down) Never mind. This is a story from the place where the worlds collide.woo. This is a tale of love and chefs and -
Ruri: It isn't actually.
Yurika: (oblivious) Well anyway, basically, there were two families, and they didn't like each other, ooh, isn't that sad, and they had some kids, god knows how, and everybody had big problems and gender-bending issues, snark!
Ruri: They were idiots.
Yurika: Why am I saying all this, everybody knows what happened anyway.
(Audience, which appears to comprise a large number of Fushigi Yugi characters, shakes heads and looks confused.)
Ruri: (disgusted) Just follow the script, Captain.
Yurika: Well then, without further ado, we present our play! Sorry, film. Thing. Yay! Let's go! Enjoy!
Ruri: (sigh)
ACT I, SCENE I
Streets (Probably in the Makai, as it seems to have the most room for set construction)
Enter Sampson and Gregory (DUO MAXWELL and QUATRE RABERBA WINNER, Gundam Wing)
Duo: Dude. Don't you just love being a Capulet?
Quatre: That was a really transparent attempt to subtly show people what side we're on. Duo: I don't do subtle.
Quatre: We noticed.
Duo: Yep. I'm glad I'm not a Montague, oh yes. And I'm glad we're the only two pilots capable of cracking a joke, hence these excellent comic roles.
Quatre: I'm just glad I've got a job where I don't have to blow people up.
Duo: Killing people is fun! (giggles)
Quatre: (looking at script) We're supposed to be telling bawdy jests about girls.
Duo: I kind of look like a girl.
Quatre: (sighs) Yes, we know.
Duo: But listen to my manly voice. I couldn't be anything but a boy!
Quatre: This really isn't going anywhere, is it?
Duo: (looks crestfallen) I guess. Let's go eat ice cream and do each other's hair, like Sailor Moon!
Quatre: (brightens up)
Duo: Oh, wait, actually, here come the Montagues. Yee!
Quatre: Oh no.
Enter Abraham and Balthazar (HEERO YUI, Gundam Wing, and VAN FANEL)
Duo: (bouncing up and down waving) Yee, Heero, Heero!
Heero: (looks embarrassed)
Duo: Well fine then. Let's kill them. Go on Quatre, do your Zero thing.
Quatre: No! That was an accident.
Duo: Oh go on! Let's blow them up!
Quatre: Can't you try subtlety, just once?
Duo: Okay. (sticks thumbs in ears, pulls disgusting face, wiggles fingers)
Heero: Stop it Duo. That's not funny.
Duo: (blows raspberry) Come on, it's only a joke!
Van: We're noted for having no sense of humour.
Duo: Nyah, nyah, Heero wears tank tops!
Quatre: (shakes head in despair)
Heero: Omae o korosu.
Enter Benvolio (HIEI)
Quatre: Oh dear.
Duo: Aah, isn't he little and cute?!
Quatre: Oh crap.
Duo: (looks shocked)
(Heero, taking advantage of the distraction, hits Duo over the head with his revolver and pulls his hair. Fight ensues.)
Hiei: Lemme at 'em!
Van: (holding him back) No, you're too perilous.
Hiei: Bet you're gay.
Van: (coughs)
Enter Tybalt (MANJI)
Manji: All right, a fight! Let's go, pussies!
Hiei: Come on then!
Manji: (looks around for a few minutes, then spots him) Oh, it's you. Ha ha, you can't kill me, shrimp! I'm too cool.
Hiei: (removing wards from arm) Wanna bet?
(They fight.)
Enter several of both houses (mostly characters from X and Ninja Scroll because they make for good combat scenes when not pining over doomed loves/mortal enemies etc.), who begin fighting.
Hubbub: Hah! Die! (boom!) Aaagh!! Kokoryuha!! Rhubarb! It's a Gundam!
Enter Old Montague in a kimono /dressing gown (ANOTSU), and Lady Montague (RIN)
Anotsu: Oooh, a fight! Give me my sword back, girl.
Rin: What? You never fight! Get Magatsu to do it for you.
Anotsu: (whingeing) But I want to kill Maanjiii!
Rin: No.
Anotsu: Not fair. Look, Capulet's got a sword!
Enter Old Capulet (CARROT GLACE) and Lady Capulet (MILLE FEUILLE)
Carrot: Nyah! Nyah! I've got a sword! Come and get it, girly-boy!
Mille: How can anyone be so clueless and yet so cuuute?! (glomps onto Carrot)
Carrot: Aaargh! Get off me!
Enter Prince Escalus (SESSHOUMARU), with his train and his big fluffy tail.
Sess: Damn I'm pretty. Look at my pretty tail. (realises what is going on) Hey! Stop that! You! Put that sword down! Stop that Kokoryuha! I'm the most powerful demon around here, thank you very much. How many more times is this going to happen?! Anotsu, you should know better. Carrot. well.yeah. Come here, both of you. Now what do you say?
Anotsu: (mumble mumble)
Sess: Pardon?
Anotsu: . sorry.
Carrot: (scowling) .sorry.
Sess: (addressing each one in turn) Eye contact: hand. Eye contact: hand. (gives them both a slap) Behave yourselves now, on pain of pain. Now go away. I have to go brush my long silky blue hair.
Exuent all but Anotsu, Rin and Hiei.
Anotsu: All right, who started it? It was you, wasn't it?
Hiei: No.
Anotsu: It was, wasn't it?
Hiei: No! It was Manji.
Anotsu: Oh, honestly!
Hiei: (scowling) He called me a shrimp.
Anotsu: (starts laughing, but thinks better of it)
Rin: Stop bickering you pair of big girls. Has anyone seen my idiot son? I can't believe he wasn't involved in this.
Hiei: (sulking) Saw him this morning. On his stupid big stupid bike. He could have run me over if it hadn't been for my lightning speed and dexterity. Looked pissed off.
Anotsu: Yes?
Rin: Probably been shot down again, useless little nympho. He takes after you, you know.
Anotsu: Yes, yes, I am a man who knows nothing about making a woman happy, we've all heard.
Rin: Well you'd better go and find out Hiei.
Hiei: (scowling) Why me?
Rin: And tell him to come and clean his room out.
Enter Romeo (KANEDA)
Hiei: Hn. There he is.
Anotsu: (watching him in weary disbelief) Is he really my kid? Really? Hey, I'm only 22. Plus, I'm too pretty to be his dad.
Rin: Yeah. Yeah! I'm a year older than him! One year! This sucks. And.and.wait. I'm not being your wife, you killed my dad. Motherfucker!
(Pulls out golden wasps and stabs Anotsu, who falls over)
Anotsu: Ow. Fucking ho, you're just asking for a bitch-slap.
Hiei: (rolling eyes) This is screwy. Get lost. I'll go get the idiot.
Exuent Anotsu and Rin
Hiei: (sidles up to Kaneda) Hello brat.
Kaneda: Gaah! Where did you crawl out from?!
Hiei: (draws sword) Do you want to die?
Kaneda: Urk.
Hiei: (adopting singsong voice and bored expression) Pray tell me cousin, what is troubling you this merry morn?
Kaneda: (gives him odd look) What are you talking about?
Hiei: (back to normal) Nothing. I was trying out acting. I don't think I'll bother anymore. (grimacing) I take it you have woman problems, loser?
Kaneda: Huh. Bitch. I was being really classy and everything, offered to beat up her boyfriend so she wouldn't have to dump him, and what do I get?
Hiei: ..
Kaneda: A kick in the head and a high heel in a very painful place. Love sucks. Are you laughing at me?
Hiei: Yes.
Kaneda: You complete bastard. Get lost.
Hiei: Hn. I don't think so. So; who's the poor woman this time?
Kaneda: (goes all woogly -eyed) Ah, her name.
Hiei: (deadpan) Well yes that does help.
Kaneda: My darling, she won't return my ardour. what shall I do.
Hiei: (making vomiting sounds)
Kaneda: .My beautiful Nuriko.
Hiei: (rolling eyes) You always do this. Always.
Kaneda: .She. what?
Hiei: Why is it so hard for you to tell the difference between a girl and a boy?
Kaneda: Eh? What're you talking about?
Hiei: (long suffering sigh) Nuriko. Is. A. Boy.
Kaneda: Ha ha, you're joking.
Hiei: You just won't be told, will you?
Kaneda: .ah, I love her.
Hiei: If you take my advice you'll try someone a bit more. female. I'm not saying you'll do any better with them, though.
Kaneda: (snidely) Yeah, well, your advice isn't exactly based on limitless experience, is it? I don't think playing 'hunt the evil demon' with that Kurama woman counts, do you?
Hiei: (wearily) Kurama is a boy.
Kaneda: Whatever. Let's go stalk Rune and Rath.
Hiei: Fine. But I get the bike.
Kaneda: You can't ride that bike!
Hiei: I can do anything.
Exuent, arguing.