Disclaimer: We don't own them, you know it, we know it, JK Rowling and all her little minions know it, SO THIS DISCLAIMER COVERS THE ENTIRE FIC.
AN: We follow the life of Severus Snape, from a likkle innocent firsty, to a mature insane crazy revenge obsessed adult. Also, since neither of the authors have any maths skills at all, the day numbers do not match anything, and holidays do not exist. Blame it on the government, and multi-tasking.
Day one:
Arrived at train station. Was laughed at by Potter. Made snide comments about the state of his hair. Was told I couldn't talk. Met some guy called Luciouious Malfoy. Luciousious promised to protect me if I gave him my broomstick and lunch money. Pointed out that we didn't have lunch money. Was retrieved from the roof of the train by janitor. Got to school and became a Slytherin. Was forced to make an effigy of McGonnagall in some initiation rite. Very tired. Must sleep.
Day two:
Utterly exhausted from running away from Luciosious and Potter all day long. Am wounded by the continuous comments about my hair. Got detention for talking about voodoo dolls in transfiguration. Stupid McGonnagall.
Day three:
More detention for attacking Potter. The fact that I was cruelly provoked was not taken into account. Hate Potter. Hate Luciousious. Hate Dumbledore. Hate world. No. Hate everything except Mr. Fluffywinkles, my only companion in my time of terrible need.
Day four:
Mr. Fluffywinkles head was ripped off and displayed in the great hall by Potter. Was sent to infirmary for severe depression by McGonnagol. Potter went down and offered to comfort me. Hate Potter. Threw book at him. He threw book at me. He has detention. My plan has begun...
Day seven:
Potter has declared war on me. I made a snide comment about a hairbrush to him, and he said something about shampoo. Luciousious and I are also at war, after he hung me upside down from the roof of the great hall by my big toes. Madame Pomfrey was able to sew them back on quite well.
Day thirteen:
Am back at infirmary again. When I got out last time, Black poured shampoo over my head. IT BURNS! Hair has grown back well. Have vowed never to wash hair. Will save fortune on shampoo and conditioner costs. AM secretly mocking all those who buy it.
Day seventeen:
Put green hair dye in Luciousious's shampoo, to teach him it's evils. He thought it was Potter, and Potter is now in infirmary, suffering from concussion. Thought that having an anvil dropped on his head would at least dent it, but he has harder head than I thought.
Day twenty-four:
Have found my one and only talent! I made a potion! Black's boiled over and burnt through the desk. Eheheh. But then he threw the desk at me, and I am in the infirmary again. Hate Potter and his minions.
Day thirty:
Have detention. Don't understand why. Potters eyeballs will grow back in a few weeks. Stupid McGonnagall. Blatant favouritism.
Day thirty-six:
Lily Evans is the most beautiful, graceful creature ever to bless the earth with her presence. I gave her a potion today. She poured it on top of my head. Am in infirmary, but have been touched by the girl of my dreams.
Day forty-nine:
Don't understand why Lily doesn't like me. Am I not handsome? Am I not charming? Do I not have a manly physique? Oh yes. Could not lift broomstick off ground in flying lessons. Was laughed at by Potter. Hate Potter...
Day fifty:
Found blackened roses on bed today. Look like the ones I sent Lily, only charred. Am in infirmary again, thanks to Potter's idea that having my quill continuously throw itself at my eyes and try to poke them out would be amusing. Hate Potter.
Day seventy-eight:
Have created Love shrine for Lily, and hate Shrine for Potter. Have put them on the same board though, because all my other belongings have been stolen or burnt by Luciousious. Because of this, some people have got confused and have been spreading rumours that I hate Lily and have a crush on Potter.
Day eighty:
Luciousious displayed my Mr. Fluffywinkle undies to the whole school this morning, so I put TARTAN dye in his shampoo.
Day eighty-one:
Results of tartan dye rather good. Luciousious refuses to show his face in public. However during his time inside he has got my board and stuck it up in the great hall. Potter is avoiding me. Excellent.
Day eighty-two:
Am being called strange names by people, and one seventh year said something about me being too young to know my sexuality, and how it was a stage I was going through. Am confused. Tried to follow Potter to play a prank on him, but he kept on running away. I kept on following him though.
Day eighty-three:
Dumbledore called me into his office to have a talk about stalking. Was very confused. Had to explain that I don't like Potter, but Dumbledore wasn't convinced. He gave me a copy of the muggle crime act.
Day eighty-four:
Lily keeps smiling at everything, and shouting that she's free from the stalking, flower-sending menace. Must find out who this menace is, so I can destroy him for interfering with my plans to marry Lily.
Day one hundred and four:
Have finally worked up the guts to ask Lily out. Got a strange muggle instrument to play music with called a Gy-tar, and tried to serenade her with it. Probably should have practiced a bit though, because she ran away screaming.
Day one hundred and five:
Black keeps following me around, and muttering about stalking a fellow Gryffindor. Have decided to generously give my copy of the muggle crime act to him, as I think he has serious problems. Attempted to ask Lily out again, but she threatened to castrate me if I ever came within a hundred feet of her again.
Day one hundred and ten:
Got spoken to by McGonnagall. She said I was to stop pestering Lily. Attempted to explain that I was not pestering her, merely following my natural instincts of love. She called me some names and gave me a detention for 'being a stupid git'. The injustice of it all.
Day one hundred and twenty:
Luciousious for some reason thinks that I made his hair tartan. He finally came to that conclusion today. Am in infirmary. Hate world, for now everything related to Mr. Fluffywinkles has been burnt as evil idols of Satan in the great hall.
Day one hundred and twenty-two:
Hate world. Didn't get any Christmas presents, and Lily repeatedly rejected my offers for an intimate supper by the lake. Went anyway, and Potter pushed me into the lake. Then I got lost in the Forbidden Forest, and was attacked by a chipmunk with wings and no sense of Christmas spirit. After several hours of the chipmunk mauling my face I eventually got back into the castle. Lily was under the mistletoe, so I ran up to her and asked for a kiss. She pushed me away. Just because my face was covered with blood and the chipmunk was clinging to my head with its talons. And then she called Potter over and kissed him in front of me. Hate world.
Day one hundred and thirty-nine:
Hate Potter. Am in infirmary again, because Potter thought it would be hilarious if he gave me a chicken's body and left me with only my head. No-one has been able to reverse the spell.
Day one hundred and fifty:
Hate Luciousious. He managed to get a picture of Lily and Potter kissing, and revealed it to me this morning. Want blood. I've already bitten the framed photo and broken the glass, extracted the picture and eaten it. That is why I am in the infirmary. It was developed in the liquid that makes photos move, so I have been told that for the next few days I will continually jerk around with and will be permanently smiling.
Day one hundred and seventy-one:
Lily and Potter are officially together. Hate world. Tried suicide, but the line on the astronomy tower was too long, as all the seventh years are convinced they will fail and should get it over with now.
Day one hundred and seventy-two:
Love world. Lily and Potter have broken up, both saying they didn't want to be tied down. Do not understand how a one-day relationship is being tied down, but when I asked Luciousious, he said I was a demented idiot. Asked him to speak English, and he laughed hysterically, before collapsing in a heap and being sent to the infirmary. Probably do not understand because I have never been in a relationship of any kind. Asked Lily to go out with me because I have had a horrible depressing childhood and want to know what it feels like to be loved, and she said something about a prostitute. Still don't understand.
Day one hundred and ninety:
Am in infirmary, after Black poured his forgetfulness potion down my robes. Naturally, he stuffed it up, and I am now covered in scales. When he came to gloat at me, I started to tell him exactly how to make a forgetfulness potion. He laughed at me. I laughed at him and told him how stupid he was for getting it wrong. He picked up the lamp and hit me with it. Have concussion.
Day one hundred and ninety-seven:
Suspect Luciousious of wanting to humiliate me again, and am guarding all my possessions closely, which means I have to carry them around with me, as Luciousious burnt my trunk.
Day two hundred and eighty-nine:
Have finally recovered diary from Luciousious. Found it in his underwear drawer, when raiding it for something to embarrass him with.
Day three hundred and sixty-three: Someone has finally asked me about the strange hump I have on my back. I told them it was all my personal belongings, so they immediately tried to take them off and burn them. But they have melded onto my skin through days of not being removed. Am in infirmary waiting for surgery. But my stuff hasn't been burnt all this time, so I count this as a triumph.
Day three hundred and sixty-four:
Was not able to remove belongings, but someone set fire to them anyway. Am in infirmary for third degree burns. Lily came to visit. Even if it was only to look at me, laugh hysterically at my scarred face and the chipmunk skeleton attached to me, and be dragged away by Madame Pomfrey for disturbing a patient. She likes me. SHE LIKES ME!
AN: We follow the life of Severus Snape, from a likkle innocent firsty, to a mature insane crazy revenge obsessed adult. Also, since neither of the authors have any maths skills at all, the day numbers do not match anything, and holidays do not exist. Blame it on the government, and multi-tasking.
Day one:
Arrived at train station. Was laughed at by Potter. Made snide comments about the state of his hair. Was told I couldn't talk. Met some guy called Luciouious Malfoy. Luciousious promised to protect me if I gave him my broomstick and lunch money. Pointed out that we didn't have lunch money. Was retrieved from the roof of the train by janitor. Got to school and became a Slytherin. Was forced to make an effigy of McGonnagall in some initiation rite. Very tired. Must sleep.
Day two:
Utterly exhausted from running away from Luciosious and Potter all day long. Am wounded by the continuous comments about my hair. Got detention for talking about voodoo dolls in transfiguration. Stupid McGonnagall.
Day three:
More detention for attacking Potter. The fact that I was cruelly provoked was not taken into account. Hate Potter. Hate Luciousious. Hate Dumbledore. Hate world. No. Hate everything except Mr. Fluffywinkles, my only companion in my time of terrible need.
Day four:
Mr. Fluffywinkles head was ripped off and displayed in the great hall by Potter. Was sent to infirmary for severe depression by McGonnagol. Potter went down and offered to comfort me. Hate Potter. Threw book at him. He threw book at me. He has detention. My plan has begun...
Day seven:
Potter has declared war on me. I made a snide comment about a hairbrush to him, and he said something about shampoo. Luciousious and I are also at war, after he hung me upside down from the roof of the great hall by my big toes. Madame Pomfrey was able to sew them back on quite well.
Day thirteen:
Am back at infirmary again. When I got out last time, Black poured shampoo over my head. IT BURNS! Hair has grown back well. Have vowed never to wash hair. Will save fortune on shampoo and conditioner costs. AM secretly mocking all those who buy it.
Day seventeen:
Put green hair dye in Luciousious's shampoo, to teach him it's evils. He thought it was Potter, and Potter is now in infirmary, suffering from concussion. Thought that having an anvil dropped on his head would at least dent it, but he has harder head than I thought.
Day twenty-four:
Have found my one and only talent! I made a potion! Black's boiled over and burnt through the desk. Eheheh. But then he threw the desk at me, and I am in the infirmary again. Hate Potter and his minions.
Day thirty:
Have detention. Don't understand why. Potters eyeballs will grow back in a few weeks. Stupid McGonnagall. Blatant favouritism.
Day thirty-six:
Lily Evans is the most beautiful, graceful creature ever to bless the earth with her presence. I gave her a potion today. She poured it on top of my head. Am in infirmary, but have been touched by the girl of my dreams.
Day forty-nine:
Don't understand why Lily doesn't like me. Am I not handsome? Am I not charming? Do I not have a manly physique? Oh yes. Could not lift broomstick off ground in flying lessons. Was laughed at by Potter. Hate Potter...
Day fifty:
Found blackened roses on bed today. Look like the ones I sent Lily, only charred. Am in infirmary again, thanks to Potter's idea that having my quill continuously throw itself at my eyes and try to poke them out would be amusing. Hate Potter.
Day seventy-eight:
Have created Love shrine for Lily, and hate Shrine for Potter. Have put them on the same board though, because all my other belongings have been stolen or burnt by Luciousious. Because of this, some people have got confused and have been spreading rumours that I hate Lily and have a crush on Potter.
Day eighty:
Luciousious displayed my Mr. Fluffywinkle undies to the whole school this morning, so I put TARTAN dye in his shampoo.
Day eighty-one:
Results of tartan dye rather good. Luciousious refuses to show his face in public. However during his time inside he has got my board and stuck it up in the great hall. Potter is avoiding me. Excellent.
Day eighty-two:
Am being called strange names by people, and one seventh year said something about me being too young to know my sexuality, and how it was a stage I was going through. Am confused. Tried to follow Potter to play a prank on him, but he kept on running away. I kept on following him though.
Day eighty-three:
Dumbledore called me into his office to have a talk about stalking. Was very confused. Had to explain that I don't like Potter, but Dumbledore wasn't convinced. He gave me a copy of the muggle crime act.
Day eighty-four:
Lily keeps smiling at everything, and shouting that she's free from the stalking, flower-sending menace. Must find out who this menace is, so I can destroy him for interfering with my plans to marry Lily.
Day one hundred and four:
Have finally worked up the guts to ask Lily out. Got a strange muggle instrument to play music with called a Gy-tar, and tried to serenade her with it. Probably should have practiced a bit though, because she ran away screaming.
Day one hundred and five:
Black keeps following me around, and muttering about stalking a fellow Gryffindor. Have decided to generously give my copy of the muggle crime act to him, as I think he has serious problems. Attempted to ask Lily out again, but she threatened to castrate me if I ever came within a hundred feet of her again.
Day one hundred and ten:
Got spoken to by McGonnagall. She said I was to stop pestering Lily. Attempted to explain that I was not pestering her, merely following my natural instincts of love. She called me some names and gave me a detention for 'being a stupid git'. The injustice of it all.
Day one hundred and twenty:
Luciousious for some reason thinks that I made his hair tartan. He finally came to that conclusion today. Am in infirmary. Hate world, for now everything related to Mr. Fluffywinkles has been burnt as evil idols of Satan in the great hall.
Day one hundred and twenty-two:
Hate world. Didn't get any Christmas presents, and Lily repeatedly rejected my offers for an intimate supper by the lake. Went anyway, and Potter pushed me into the lake. Then I got lost in the Forbidden Forest, and was attacked by a chipmunk with wings and no sense of Christmas spirit. After several hours of the chipmunk mauling my face I eventually got back into the castle. Lily was under the mistletoe, so I ran up to her and asked for a kiss. She pushed me away. Just because my face was covered with blood and the chipmunk was clinging to my head with its talons. And then she called Potter over and kissed him in front of me. Hate world.
Day one hundred and thirty-nine:
Hate Potter. Am in infirmary again, because Potter thought it would be hilarious if he gave me a chicken's body and left me with only my head. No-one has been able to reverse the spell.
Day one hundred and fifty:
Hate Luciousious. He managed to get a picture of Lily and Potter kissing, and revealed it to me this morning. Want blood. I've already bitten the framed photo and broken the glass, extracted the picture and eaten it. That is why I am in the infirmary. It was developed in the liquid that makes photos move, so I have been told that for the next few days I will continually jerk around with and will be permanently smiling.
Day one hundred and seventy-one:
Lily and Potter are officially together. Hate world. Tried suicide, but the line on the astronomy tower was too long, as all the seventh years are convinced they will fail and should get it over with now.
Day one hundred and seventy-two:
Love world. Lily and Potter have broken up, both saying they didn't want to be tied down. Do not understand how a one-day relationship is being tied down, but when I asked Luciousious, he said I was a demented idiot. Asked him to speak English, and he laughed hysterically, before collapsing in a heap and being sent to the infirmary. Probably do not understand because I have never been in a relationship of any kind. Asked Lily to go out with me because I have had a horrible depressing childhood and want to know what it feels like to be loved, and she said something about a prostitute. Still don't understand.
Day one hundred and ninety:
Am in infirmary, after Black poured his forgetfulness potion down my robes. Naturally, he stuffed it up, and I am now covered in scales. When he came to gloat at me, I started to tell him exactly how to make a forgetfulness potion. He laughed at me. I laughed at him and told him how stupid he was for getting it wrong. He picked up the lamp and hit me with it. Have concussion.
Day one hundred and ninety-seven:
Suspect Luciousious of wanting to humiliate me again, and am guarding all my possessions closely, which means I have to carry them around with me, as Luciousious burnt my trunk.
Day two hundred and eighty-nine:
Have finally recovered diary from Luciousious. Found it in his underwear drawer, when raiding it for something to embarrass him with.
Day three hundred and sixty-three: Someone has finally asked me about the strange hump I have on my back. I told them it was all my personal belongings, so they immediately tried to take them off and burn them. But they have melded onto my skin through days of not being removed. Am in infirmary waiting for surgery. But my stuff hasn't been burnt all this time, so I count this as a triumph.
Day three hundred and sixty-four:
Was not able to remove belongings, but someone set fire to them anyway. Am in infirmary for third degree burns. Lily came to visit. Even if it was only to look at me, laugh hysterically at my scarred face and the chipmunk skeleton attached to me, and be dragged away by Madame Pomfrey for disturbing a patient. She likes me. SHE LIKES ME!