Disclaimer: LALAAALALALAAAALALALALAAAAALLALALAAAAAAA....
RETURN OF THE SNAPE....... THREE YEARS OF INSANESS AND DEPRAVITY, MASHED INTO ONE MASSIVE........ SMALL.... THING....
Years 2, 3, and FOUR...
Day before I go back to Hoggies.
LALALLAA.. Happy! Happy! Mummy gave me a happy little hamster for my birthday! HAPPY. AND then I ated a mushroom. ATED. ATED... hehehehe MORE EATED MUSHYROOMMMM!!
September 1st Saw Potter on train. Made snide comments about ratboy's weight. Potter told me to 'shove' it. I attempted to shove Pettigrew and he sat on me. Ran away. Luciousious called me funny names. I did not understand and said so. he laughed. I do not understand.
Day 12 Saw Lily. She hasn't changed at all over holidays. When I approached her she threatened to get a friend to rip out my jugular... I said if she'd do it, I'd die happy. She slapped me and then said she consider it.....
Day 15 Hate Potter. Turned me green all over, thus promoting plant jokes. Attacked him with a quill sharpener and he broke my arm. He has detention. HEHEHHEHEHE!! Madame Pomphrey is coming over with painkillers. PRETTY PURPLE...
Day 20 Enraged Potter gang today. Angered Potter's clone (Sirius, but really has no separate identity) by screwing up date. was locked in Filch's torture chamber. Filch is on romantic holiday with cat, so am stuck in here indefinitely.
Day 42 Someone finally heard my Morse code tappings. unfortunately the only letters I know are H T and A, so HAT, AT, TAT and THAT were the only words I could do. The response to TAT AT THAT HAT HAHAHAHAHA was a shout of SHUT UP and Potter and his gang coming down and throwing me a hat with tat written on it. They think they're just soooo smart...... I WILL HAVE REVENGE!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! oh no. Teachers shouting at peeves to stop tapping.
43 Can it be true? Has no one noticed that I've been missing for TWENTY THREE DAYS? My only source of food is the mangled corpses that Filch has left, and a packet of peanuts. There are only four peanuts left....
Day 344 Finished all the corpses today. Have grown fat and pale with atrophied limbs in darkness. Tomorrow will be forced to eat my only friend, Hamsty the Hamster.
Day 345 Will eat hamster soon. Am marinating it currently. Have heard that Filch has returned. This is a sample of a teacher's conversation with him, though do not understand all of it as knowledge of English language has greatly deteriorated through lack of human contact. "Oh. You're back." "Yesssss precioussssssss...." "Riight. Anyway, James and clones are as annoying as ever and a student is locked in your torture chamber. You may free him if your would like. It was so amusing though. I shall leave now. No, I don't want to shake your hand.. eeew, like, slime!" "My prettiessssssss..."
Hmmm. Interesting.
Day 346 Am FREE! FREE! FREEEEEEEEEEE!!! Filch let me out, after making me promise not to reveal how many corpses I ate.
Home, Day one I am home again. Mummy has put me on a strict diet. SHE CALLED ME OBESSE..... Obosse. Whatever. She has also forced me to have a tutor after saying that my speech was abominable. She then said I was a bad boy who didn't write any letters to his Mummy. I tried to explain to her that I had been locked in torture chamber for about 400 days. Don't understand why she didn't believe or understand me. All I said was "Me no school torture mangled corpses eat BRAINSSSS !!!" Then she demanded to know what I had learned during the year. Was unable to tell the names of my teachers, and she said she was 'displeased'. I is afrightened.
School, September 1 My grasp of the English language is now perfect. O. Malfoy made fun of my weight. Corpse fat stays for a long time. In other news, Potter ran off crying to the infirmary because he touched me hair. The grease engulfed his limb and ate away at the flesh. Still don't know what the problem was. Hur hur hur. Now he can't play in quidditch. I would be happier if I was even on the Slytherin quidditch team, or even if I didn't have all my bones broken by a broom when I was four. As a result I hate everything to do with Quidditch. HAAATE.
Day two Laughed at Black. Black poked me with a pitchfork. Asked what Black was doing with pitchfork, and Black said he was preparing to roast me over a fire. Said he was just waiting for Potter, who had the other pitchfork, and Lupin, with the forklift. Innocently asked why he needed a forklift. Black said I was fat. Cried. I'm not fat. I've just got puppy.... blubber.... like a whale! EVERYONE loves whales! Lily likes whales. Lily will like me. Maybe I should swim naked in the female Gryffindor bathroom, making soothing romantic whale noises. Yeah! That'll work!
Day Three Lily failed to jump on my back and swim away with me. It is unfortunate that she screamed and the whole house came running. Was cursed a number of times. Am in infirmary, and McGonnagall has had a long talk to me about not being perverse. Tried to explain that I was merely attempting to seduce Lily as a whale. She eyed me strangely.
Day four Mysterious book entitled 'BESTIALITY IS WRONG' turned up on my bedside in the night.
Day five Potter came in and threatened to break several bones if I ever tuned up naked in the Gryffindor tower again. I don't understand why he punched me when I told him I wouldn't mind if he swam around naked in Luciousious's pool. Then he saw my book started laughing. He went out giggling about sending me small fluffy animals in the post. Then Luciousious came in intending to hurt me, saw my book, went pale and screamed 'WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?' He stalked out muttering about not knowing if house-elves counted. Very strange.
Day seven Left infirmary. Went straight back in after Lily and large group of girls attacked me with mallets because I walked past the girls toilets.
Day Eight Have left infirmary again by cover of night, with teacher guard. Have developed a reputation as a pervert. Was attacked by student body on sight and hid in the owlery. Found Lily's owl which I secreted in my pants after rubbing it all over my face and body. Entire Owlery attacked and flew me into the great hall, whereupon Lily's owl erupted from my pants and the collar which I had put on it (It said Lily, my darling, I love you,) fluttered off and landed on Black's head. I managed to scream out 'IT WAS A LOVE PRESENT' before I was attacked by a mob of Gryffindors screaming for my blood. The most bloodthirsty were the female animal right activists. Needless to say, am under intensive guard in the infirmary.
Day Twelve As Lily and James are together again, so was able to escape infirmary. Now Luciousious is my BESTEST BEST friend. Sure, the friendship may be entirely based on the fact that he believes me to be as kinkay as he is, but I don't want to ruin his fun by enlightening him (am also unable to talk as tongue has been ripped out by female animal right activists and is regrowing in infirmary). Am now incredible incredibly thin as have been forced to run around the school at night with Luciousious following me with leather whips while telling me of his exploits..... I COOKED CRUMPETS IN THAT TOASTER!!! However, when I groaned in horror, he only laughed maniacally and chased me faster.
Day Fifteen Was unable to bear the sight of Lily kissing James, and burst out with 'Lily, I love you! MARRY ME!' My tongue was still regrowing, so it came out as a hideous slobber noise. Even worse, Luciosious witnessed this and is now under the impression that watching other people kiss gets me turned on. The things he has made me view are destroying my sanity.... Filch... Mc... ARRRRGH...
Day twenty-seven Wrote a love letter to Lily, begging her to elope with me. James and Sirius came and had a little talk with me, having seen the letter after Lily fled the great hall screaming and throwing up. Am now in infirmary, with Madame Pomphrey deflating my internal organs.
Day 47 Have decided that Luciousious is a bad influence on me. Not only does he keep on mentioning things like 'I think we should go to the next level with our relationship' and that we should be 'more than friends', but, he did something much much worse. While trying to turn me on he ate HAMSTY!!!!! And when I tried to retrieve my beautiful rodent from his FILTHY THROAT OF SIN, he thought that I was trying to kiss him, so tried to kiss me back. Ran away with Luciousious slobber all over my arm and bright red lipstick all over my robes. I need some new friends. Okay, friend, singular.
Day 100
Still need new friend. Out of desperateness, have decided to become friend with Potter and Clones. Followed them after class, but found that all they really do is bang their heads against each other and talk about how hot Lily is. Am in infirmary as screamed out "SHE IS MINE!
Day 165 Have new friend. It's name is FuzzyWuzzy and I love it.
Day 172 Am in infirmary as I attempted do defend FuzzyWuzzy when Potter informed me that FuzzyWuzzy was just a small mouldy potato they found in Filch's office and threw at my head. Am shocked to learn that FuzzyWuzzy did not come to me in the manner of angels (from above, and a bit to the left), but in a cruel gesture from Potter. Have had many visitations from angels in the incarnations of random food and furniture. Potter confessed that he was responsible from all of them, apart from the double bed, which I now suspect was Luciousious. I crawled back to Luciousious and told him all my woes and the tragic saga of FuzzyWuzzy, but left again when he told me that I was 'like an angel that had come from hell scantily clad leather'. Am disturbed.
Day 200 Attempted Suicide as cannot bear the fact that Lily and Potter have been dating for one hundred and eighty-eight days. Attempted one last time to get her to confess her love for me and offer to dump Potter, but she just punched me in the stomach. I went crawling off down the corridor and threw myself out a window. Lily was horrified and performed a freezing charm, only she neglected to bring me back in and have been hanging out here from three days. Am now an unofficial clothes rack for Potter.
Day 212 Lily and James's anniversary. Would end life if could move.
Day 222 Have fallen to the ground as the collective weight of all the school's clothes (they followed Potter's example) was about 2 tonnes and broke Lily's strong freezing Charm. After everybody collected the clothes, I wafted away like a leaf, not because I was in some kind of bizarre anime, but because the running away from Luciouscious and the flattening combined has reduced my weight to non existence.
Day 259 Have attempted to murder Potter, but failed miserably because got the wrong bed and tried to strangle a random dorm-mate of Potter's who broke my arm. Potter then threw a cupboard at me and it broke my leg. Black threw a teapot and my face, and I now have fifteen stitches. Pettigrew sat on me and broke my collarbone, and Lupin hurt me with his absence because Potter said they'd finish the job later when Lupin was there. With a double serving of pain. It was mildly amusing when Peter screamed ' MOMMY' but when he belly flopped onto me, I stopped laughing. Am mending slowly in infirmary.
Day 262 Potter and his clones finished the job as soon as I stepped out of the infirmary. I was repeatedly hexed and then they put me in a giant box and wrapped it in a red ribbon and presented it to Madame Pomphrey. She let me see the card. It said 'Dear Madame P, Have a slimy git. He seems to like the infirmary so much we decided to help him stay. Love, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.' Madame Pomphrey was laughing before she unwrapped me for some reason. And then she shrieked in horror when she saw my harrowing injuries. Her scream of 'oh holy Merlin, not you again!' obviously showed that she pitied my plight.
As everyone knows Potter and Clones 'secret' names, which they shout at each other at breakfast, I knew that Madame Pomphrey would immediately call them up to the infirmary to apologise to me. I waited. And waited.
Then cried myself to sleep.
Day 279 Am finally out of infirmary. Avoiding Potter, Clones, Luciousoius and Lily. Only avoiding Lily because she is constantly around James.
Day 286 Went to breakfast this morning. Immediately wished I hadn't, because I was forced to watch Potter and Lily fawning over each other. Went to infirmary and complained of nausea. Was given card to fill out.
NAME IF NOT SEVERUS SNAPE: Severus Snape YEAR: Third ALIMENT IF NOT S. SNAPE AFTER CONFLICT WITH JAMES POTTER, SIRIUS BLACK, REMUS LUPIN, PETER PETTIGREW, LUCIOUSIOUS MALFOY, OR ANY FEMALE INCLUDING TEACHERS: Extreme nausea SUSPECTED REASON FOR ALIMENT: Being forced to watch soul mate fawn over arch enemy
Madame Pomphrey just laughed and told me to get real. I am already real. Really in LOVE I told her. She had gone back into her office by then, through.
Day 287 Have been pondering Madame Pomphrey's instruction to get real. If I am not currently real, then Lily can't be dating Potter! YES! I can ask her out!
Day 288 Asked Lily out. She screamed "Can't you take a hint?" at me and ran off to find Potter. Potter and Black came by to have another little talk. Hopefully, will only be in infirmary for ten or so days.
297 Have found the perfect way of escaping the terrible taunts of Potter! If I hide in the Forbidden Forest for long enough, hopefully they will forget about me. Then I can return handsome and manly from living off the land and sweep Lily off her feet!! I sooo clever. Will take no supplies as that will take away from my manly handsomeness.
Day 302 Am back from forest. Have not eaten in five days and was nearly eaten by bloody great spider. Also, accidentally walked into the Whomping Willow while looking for water, and was beaten to a bloody pulp. Walked into hall and tried to sit next to James, to be his friend (I will worm my way into his confidences and then steal Lily) but he just called me pulpy and poked me with a carrot stick. Then I leapt over the table, trying to land in Lily's lap. Unfortunately, landed on her head. Out of shock grabbed her hair and then fainted. None could unclasp my fingers from her head while I was unconscious, and the fact that I awoke, then wouldn't let go anyway just enraged them. Am not in infirmary though. being in the infirmary, tucked up in nice, white, blood absorbing sheets would be a good thing compared to being on top of the Astronomy Tower instead, tied up with my own sinew, which is my current situation.
Day 306 Livers pecked out by birds in manner of Prometheus.
Day 307 Livers regrew. Thought I only had one liver, but no. Shall have to ask parents about that.
Day 308. Home. Turns out one of my three livers was a kidney, and the other was my small intestine. Was taken back home when a bird trying to pick out my internal organs could not remove it from my body and carried me home. Very painful. Appendices just aren't designed to take that sort of stress.
Day 356. Last day before return to Hogwarts: School of Pain and Horror.
Day One Was taunted. Was poked. Was given marshmallow by random old lady at train station. And that was before I got on the train. Spent entire train ride thinking up witty insults. Am very clever and witty, as I thought of something I can call Potter, Black, Lupin and Peter. I shall call them Potty and his CLONIES!!! AHAHAHA. Am so wonderful. They will be very hurt I'm sure when they hear it. And Lily will run into my arms. New student was introduced into the year. She's called AryMay UeSay. She's perfect. But not as perfect as ME. She was attempting to flirt with Potter, but he called her rude names. One of which was a garden implement, so I don't quite understand it's significance. She's in Slytherin, and she spoke to me once, until Luciousious informed her of the owl incident.
Day 7 Keep on getting owls from new student. Do not know why. The messages were very dirty. Must make up a witty name for HER then. I'll put her on my list, which only consists of Luciousious and Potter. We geniuses must work very slowly to get everything right.
Day 8 I have it! She is.... AiryFairyMary!!! HAHAH! BOW TO MY WIT!!! So I have:
Potty and his Clonies AiryFairyMAry Lucius (By cutting off the last IOUSIOUS I have turned him from proud with a weird name to shameded with a weird name)
Will use all of these insults.. WHEN THEY LEAST EXPECT IT!!!!
Day 14 Had fight with Potter. He called me 'Slimy Snape'. Then asked me to fight back. Fulfilling my promise, I insulted him when he least expected it, and called him 'Potty and his CLON-' and then Black knocked me unconscious with a cauldron. Don't know how they knew I was going to insult them though. They must have SECRET PSYCHIC POWERS. Like telepathy.
Day 18 Am working on revealing Potter for the freak he is. Thought hard about my future wedding with Lily while standing near him, but he didn't erupt and try to strangle me (That's his normal reaction when I say I'm going to marry her and he hears). He just gave me a strange look and backed away. I wonder if the tinfoil hat was a bit conspicuous. I will buy a wig matching my hair and wear the hat under it.
Day 19 Went to the 'ye olde hairpiece shoppe' and asked for a wig matching my own hair. The shopkeeper said that I could try 'yon convict withoute shampoo withe extra bloode' and that I could mix extra chicken grease into it. I accepted.
Day 20 Wore my new wig and was repeatedly asked if I had washed my hair. Am puzzled. Tried to inform Lily of Potter's Freakishness, but my wig fell on her head. She blasphemed most loudly then attempted to commit a deadly sin. Unfortunately, not the one concerning cheating on your boyfriend. More violent, really. Then I ran away with a broken heart.
Day 25 Finally got sick of Luciousious hitting on me so I said, "You SUX0RZZZ BEANZ0RZZZZZ LUCIUS" He was stunned. I walked away, satisfied, leaving him in silence. Then I heard a scream of 'HE GOT MY NAME RIGHT!! HE LOVES ME, HE REALLY DOES!!" It couldn't have been Luciouscious. Really it couldn't have been.
Day 30 Am in infirmary with concussion. Woke up in the middle of the night to find someone clambering around on my bed and when I saw that it was Luciousious I jumped up and hit my head on the roof. I collapsed, and someone forced Luciousious to take me to the hospital wing, instead of doing terrible things to my unconscious body. He has visited me every night. He disturbs me. I think he is stalking me. GAAAH HELP ME ANYONE!!!
Day 34 Visited me again. Repeatedly called him Lucius, hoping to insult him so much that he would go away but he only became happier and happier. Only left when Potter, Black, Lupin and Peter came in for my daily beatings. Begged Potter to do something to Luciousious. Potter asked why. I told him about the nighttime incident. Potter, Black, and Lupin cracked up, but Pettigrew went pale. When the others had left he stayed behind, and he hissed, 'stay away from my Lucius, slutboy.' Am confused. Surely he could not mean what I think he could mean. He must be talking about someone else, as everyone knows that Luciousious' name is Luciousious, and people only call him Lucius to insult him. Lots of people insult him though....
Day 36 Mentioned Peter to Luciousious when he appeared last night. He merely said that he like me FAR more, and that Peter was ugly. Unfortunately, Peter was listening, and after Luciousious had left he jumped down from the rafters and tried to gauge out my eyeballs until Madame Pomphrey came in and told us that of we were going to kill each other, we should do it where everyone can see and gain the greatest amount of pleasure.
...
we know it ends in the middle of a chapter, but one half of our WONDERFUL WRITING TEAM OF WONDER had to go HOME, so the other half (me! AHAHA) decided to upload this. basically, we wrote lots and we cant be bothered to wait for like a week to write the rest (we go to different schools *sob*). heh heh heh. we hope we hurt your brains. BRAINSSSSSSSSS.
oh yes, another reason besides our own laziness why this has taken such a long time to be updated is because i forgot the password to our fanfiction.net account (yes. you can laugh. BUT YOU WILL PAY!!) and i had to email author K (like x-files! or it would be if either of us ever watched it...) and find it out, and we may or may not have to get a new account. hur hur hur. we're silly 'uns, aint we?
SHAMELESS PLUG: read one of our other fics, Lily: Queen of the Damned. its good, really. so what if we only have one review, adn that was a flame, and they called us ratboy. feel sorry for us. PLEASE?
RETURN OF THE SNAPE....... THREE YEARS OF INSANESS AND DEPRAVITY, MASHED INTO ONE MASSIVE........ SMALL.... THING....
Years 2, 3, and FOUR...
Day before I go back to Hoggies.
LALALLAA.. Happy! Happy! Mummy gave me a happy little hamster for my birthday! HAPPY. AND then I ated a mushroom. ATED. ATED... hehehehe MORE EATED MUSHYROOMMMM!!
September 1st Saw Potter on train. Made snide comments about ratboy's weight. Potter told me to 'shove' it. I attempted to shove Pettigrew and he sat on me. Ran away. Luciousious called me funny names. I did not understand and said so. he laughed. I do not understand.
Day 12 Saw Lily. She hasn't changed at all over holidays. When I approached her she threatened to get a friend to rip out my jugular... I said if she'd do it, I'd die happy. She slapped me and then said she consider it.....
Day 15 Hate Potter. Turned me green all over, thus promoting plant jokes. Attacked him with a quill sharpener and he broke my arm. He has detention. HEHEHHEHEHE!! Madame Pomphrey is coming over with painkillers. PRETTY PURPLE...
Day 20 Enraged Potter gang today. Angered Potter's clone (Sirius, but really has no separate identity) by screwing up date. was locked in Filch's torture chamber. Filch is on romantic holiday with cat, so am stuck in here indefinitely.
Day 42 Someone finally heard my Morse code tappings. unfortunately the only letters I know are H T and A, so HAT, AT, TAT and THAT were the only words I could do. The response to TAT AT THAT HAT HAHAHAHAHA was a shout of SHUT UP and Potter and his gang coming down and throwing me a hat with tat written on it. They think they're just soooo smart...... I WILL HAVE REVENGE!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!! oh no. Teachers shouting at peeves to stop tapping.
43 Can it be true? Has no one noticed that I've been missing for TWENTY THREE DAYS? My only source of food is the mangled corpses that Filch has left, and a packet of peanuts. There are only four peanuts left....
Day 344 Finished all the corpses today. Have grown fat and pale with atrophied limbs in darkness. Tomorrow will be forced to eat my only friend, Hamsty the Hamster.
Day 345 Will eat hamster soon. Am marinating it currently. Have heard that Filch has returned. This is a sample of a teacher's conversation with him, though do not understand all of it as knowledge of English language has greatly deteriorated through lack of human contact. "Oh. You're back." "Yesssss precioussssssss...." "Riight. Anyway, James and clones are as annoying as ever and a student is locked in your torture chamber. You may free him if your would like. It was so amusing though. I shall leave now. No, I don't want to shake your hand.. eeew, like, slime!" "My prettiessssssss..."
Hmmm. Interesting.
Day 346 Am FREE! FREE! FREEEEEEEEEEE!!! Filch let me out, after making me promise not to reveal how many corpses I ate.
Home, Day one I am home again. Mummy has put me on a strict diet. SHE CALLED ME OBESSE..... Obosse. Whatever. She has also forced me to have a tutor after saying that my speech was abominable. She then said I was a bad boy who didn't write any letters to his Mummy. I tried to explain to her that I had been locked in torture chamber for about 400 days. Don't understand why she didn't believe or understand me. All I said was "Me no school torture mangled corpses eat BRAINSSSS !!!" Then she demanded to know what I had learned during the year. Was unable to tell the names of my teachers, and she said she was 'displeased'. I is afrightened.
School, September 1 My grasp of the English language is now perfect. O. Malfoy made fun of my weight. Corpse fat stays for a long time. In other news, Potter ran off crying to the infirmary because he touched me hair. The grease engulfed his limb and ate away at the flesh. Still don't know what the problem was. Hur hur hur. Now he can't play in quidditch. I would be happier if I was even on the Slytherin quidditch team, or even if I didn't have all my bones broken by a broom when I was four. As a result I hate everything to do with Quidditch. HAAATE.
Day two Laughed at Black. Black poked me with a pitchfork. Asked what Black was doing with pitchfork, and Black said he was preparing to roast me over a fire. Said he was just waiting for Potter, who had the other pitchfork, and Lupin, with the forklift. Innocently asked why he needed a forklift. Black said I was fat. Cried. I'm not fat. I've just got puppy.... blubber.... like a whale! EVERYONE loves whales! Lily likes whales. Lily will like me. Maybe I should swim naked in the female Gryffindor bathroom, making soothing romantic whale noises. Yeah! That'll work!
Day Three Lily failed to jump on my back and swim away with me. It is unfortunate that she screamed and the whole house came running. Was cursed a number of times. Am in infirmary, and McGonnagall has had a long talk to me about not being perverse. Tried to explain that I was merely attempting to seduce Lily as a whale. She eyed me strangely.
Day four Mysterious book entitled 'BESTIALITY IS WRONG' turned up on my bedside in the night.
Day five Potter came in and threatened to break several bones if I ever tuned up naked in the Gryffindor tower again. I don't understand why he punched me when I told him I wouldn't mind if he swam around naked in Luciousious's pool. Then he saw my book started laughing. He went out giggling about sending me small fluffy animals in the post. Then Luciousious came in intending to hurt me, saw my book, went pale and screamed 'WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME?' He stalked out muttering about not knowing if house-elves counted. Very strange.
Day seven Left infirmary. Went straight back in after Lily and large group of girls attacked me with mallets because I walked past the girls toilets.
Day Eight Have left infirmary again by cover of night, with teacher guard. Have developed a reputation as a pervert. Was attacked by student body on sight and hid in the owlery. Found Lily's owl which I secreted in my pants after rubbing it all over my face and body. Entire Owlery attacked and flew me into the great hall, whereupon Lily's owl erupted from my pants and the collar which I had put on it (It said Lily, my darling, I love you,) fluttered off and landed on Black's head. I managed to scream out 'IT WAS A LOVE PRESENT' before I was attacked by a mob of Gryffindors screaming for my blood. The most bloodthirsty were the female animal right activists. Needless to say, am under intensive guard in the infirmary.
Day Twelve As Lily and James are together again, so was able to escape infirmary. Now Luciousious is my BESTEST BEST friend. Sure, the friendship may be entirely based on the fact that he believes me to be as kinkay as he is, but I don't want to ruin his fun by enlightening him (am also unable to talk as tongue has been ripped out by female animal right activists and is regrowing in infirmary). Am now incredible incredibly thin as have been forced to run around the school at night with Luciousious following me with leather whips while telling me of his exploits..... I COOKED CRUMPETS IN THAT TOASTER!!! However, when I groaned in horror, he only laughed maniacally and chased me faster.
Day Fifteen Was unable to bear the sight of Lily kissing James, and burst out with 'Lily, I love you! MARRY ME!' My tongue was still regrowing, so it came out as a hideous slobber noise. Even worse, Luciosious witnessed this and is now under the impression that watching other people kiss gets me turned on. The things he has made me view are destroying my sanity.... Filch... Mc... ARRRRGH...
Day twenty-seven Wrote a love letter to Lily, begging her to elope with me. James and Sirius came and had a little talk with me, having seen the letter after Lily fled the great hall screaming and throwing up. Am now in infirmary, with Madame Pomphrey deflating my internal organs.
Day 47 Have decided that Luciousious is a bad influence on me. Not only does he keep on mentioning things like 'I think we should go to the next level with our relationship' and that we should be 'more than friends', but, he did something much much worse. While trying to turn me on he ate HAMSTY!!!!! And when I tried to retrieve my beautiful rodent from his FILTHY THROAT OF SIN, he thought that I was trying to kiss him, so tried to kiss me back. Ran away with Luciousious slobber all over my arm and bright red lipstick all over my robes. I need some new friends. Okay, friend, singular.
Day 100
Still need new friend. Out of desperateness, have decided to become friend with Potter and Clones. Followed them after class, but found that all they really do is bang their heads against each other and talk about how hot Lily is. Am in infirmary as screamed out "SHE IS MINE!
Day 165 Have new friend. It's name is FuzzyWuzzy and I love it.
Day 172 Am in infirmary as I attempted do defend FuzzyWuzzy when Potter informed me that FuzzyWuzzy was just a small mouldy potato they found in Filch's office and threw at my head. Am shocked to learn that FuzzyWuzzy did not come to me in the manner of angels (from above, and a bit to the left), but in a cruel gesture from Potter. Have had many visitations from angels in the incarnations of random food and furniture. Potter confessed that he was responsible from all of them, apart from the double bed, which I now suspect was Luciousious. I crawled back to Luciousious and told him all my woes and the tragic saga of FuzzyWuzzy, but left again when he told me that I was 'like an angel that had come from hell scantily clad leather'. Am disturbed.
Day 200 Attempted Suicide as cannot bear the fact that Lily and Potter have been dating for one hundred and eighty-eight days. Attempted one last time to get her to confess her love for me and offer to dump Potter, but she just punched me in the stomach. I went crawling off down the corridor and threw myself out a window. Lily was horrified and performed a freezing charm, only she neglected to bring me back in and have been hanging out here from three days. Am now an unofficial clothes rack for Potter.
Day 212 Lily and James's anniversary. Would end life if could move.
Day 222 Have fallen to the ground as the collective weight of all the school's clothes (they followed Potter's example) was about 2 tonnes and broke Lily's strong freezing Charm. After everybody collected the clothes, I wafted away like a leaf, not because I was in some kind of bizarre anime, but because the running away from Luciouscious and the flattening combined has reduced my weight to non existence.
Day 259 Have attempted to murder Potter, but failed miserably because got the wrong bed and tried to strangle a random dorm-mate of Potter's who broke my arm. Potter then threw a cupboard at me and it broke my leg. Black threw a teapot and my face, and I now have fifteen stitches. Pettigrew sat on me and broke my collarbone, and Lupin hurt me with his absence because Potter said they'd finish the job later when Lupin was there. With a double serving of pain. It was mildly amusing when Peter screamed ' MOMMY' but when he belly flopped onto me, I stopped laughing. Am mending slowly in infirmary.
Day 262 Potter and his clones finished the job as soon as I stepped out of the infirmary. I was repeatedly hexed and then they put me in a giant box and wrapped it in a red ribbon and presented it to Madame Pomphrey. She let me see the card. It said 'Dear Madame P, Have a slimy git. He seems to like the infirmary so much we decided to help him stay. Love, Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.' Madame Pomphrey was laughing before she unwrapped me for some reason. And then she shrieked in horror when she saw my harrowing injuries. Her scream of 'oh holy Merlin, not you again!' obviously showed that she pitied my plight.
As everyone knows Potter and Clones 'secret' names, which they shout at each other at breakfast, I knew that Madame Pomphrey would immediately call them up to the infirmary to apologise to me. I waited. And waited.
Then cried myself to sleep.
Day 279 Am finally out of infirmary. Avoiding Potter, Clones, Luciousoius and Lily. Only avoiding Lily because she is constantly around James.
Day 286 Went to breakfast this morning. Immediately wished I hadn't, because I was forced to watch Potter and Lily fawning over each other. Went to infirmary and complained of nausea. Was given card to fill out.
NAME IF NOT SEVERUS SNAPE: Severus Snape YEAR: Third ALIMENT IF NOT S. SNAPE AFTER CONFLICT WITH JAMES POTTER, SIRIUS BLACK, REMUS LUPIN, PETER PETTIGREW, LUCIOUSIOUS MALFOY, OR ANY FEMALE INCLUDING TEACHERS: Extreme nausea SUSPECTED REASON FOR ALIMENT: Being forced to watch soul mate fawn over arch enemy
Madame Pomphrey just laughed and told me to get real. I am already real. Really in LOVE I told her. She had gone back into her office by then, through.
Day 287 Have been pondering Madame Pomphrey's instruction to get real. If I am not currently real, then Lily can't be dating Potter! YES! I can ask her out!
Day 288 Asked Lily out. She screamed "Can't you take a hint?" at me and ran off to find Potter. Potter and Black came by to have another little talk. Hopefully, will only be in infirmary for ten or so days.
297 Have found the perfect way of escaping the terrible taunts of Potter! If I hide in the Forbidden Forest for long enough, hopefully they will forget about me. Then I can return handsome and manly from living off the land and sweep Lily off her feet!! I sooo clever. Will take no supplies as that will take away from my manly handsomeness.
Day 302 Am back from forest. Have not eaten in five days and was nearly eaten by bloody great spider. Also, accidentally walked into the Whomping Willow while looking for water, and was beaten to a bloody pulp. Walked into hall and tried to sit next to James, to be his friend (I will worm my way into his confidences and then steal Lily) but he just called me pulpy and poked me with a carrot stick. Then I leapt over the table, trying to land in Lily's lap. Unfortunately, landed on her head. Out of shock grabbed her hair and then fainted. None could unclasp my fingers from her head while I was unconscious, and the fact that I awoke, then wouldn't let go anyway just enraged them. Am not in infirmary though. being in the infirmary, tucked up in nice, white, blood absorbing sheets would be a good thing compared to being on top of the Astronomy Tower instead, tied up with my own sinew, which is my current situation.
Day 306 Livers pecked out by birds in manner of Prometheus.
Day 307 Livers regrew. Thought I only had one liver, but no. Shall have to ask parents about that.
Day 308. Home. Turns out one of my three livers was a kidney, and the other was my small intestine. Was taken back home when a bird trying to pick out my internal organs could not remove it from my body and carried me home. Very painful. Appendices just aren't designed to take that sort of stress.
Day 356. Last day before return to Hogwarts: School of Pain and Horror.
Day One Was taunted. Was poked. Was given marshmallow by random old lady at train station. And that was before I got on the train. Spent entire train ride thinking up witty insults. Am very clever and witty, as I thought of something I can call Potter, Black, Lupin and Peter. I shall call them Potty and his CLONIES!!! AHAHAHA. Am so wonderful. They will be very hurt I'm sure when they hear it. And Lily will run into my arms. New student was introduced into the year. She's called AryMay UeSay. She's perfect. But not as perfect as ME. She was attempting to flirt with Potter, but he called her rude names. One of which was a garden implement, so I don't quite understand it's significance. She's in Slytherin, and she spoke to me once, until Luciousious informed her of the owl incident.
Day 7 Keep on getting owls from new student. Do not know why. The messages were very dirty. Must make up a witty name for HER then. I'll put her on my list, which only consists of Luciousious and Potter. We geniuses must work very slowly to get everything right.
Day 8 I have it! She is.... AiryFairyMary!!! HAHAH! BOW TO MY WIT!!! So I have:
Potty and his Clonies AiryFairyMAry Lucius (By cutting off the last IOUSIOUS I have turned him from proud with a weird name to shameded with a weird name)
Will use all of these insults.. WHEN THEY LEAST EXPECT IT!!!!
Day 14 Had fight with Potter. He called me 'Slimy Snape'. Then asked me to fight back. Fulfilling my promise, I insulted him when he least expected it, and called him 'Potty and his CLON-' and then Black knocked me unconscious with a cauldron. Don't know how they knew I was going to insult them though. They must have SECRET PSYCHIC POWERS. Like telepathy.
Day 18 Am working on revealing Potter for the freak he is. Thought hard about my future wedding with Lily while standing near him, but he didn't erupt and try to strangle me (That's his normal reaction when I say I'm going to marry her and he hears). He just gave me a strange look and backed away. I wonder if the tinfoil hat was a bit conspicuous. I will buy a wig matching my hair and wear the hat under it.
Day 19 Went to the 'ye olde hairpiece shoppe' and asked for a wig matching my own hair. The shopkeeper said that I could try 'yon convict withoute shampoo withe extra bloode' and that I could mix extra chicken grease into it. I accepted.
Day 20 Wore my new wig and was repeatedly asked if I had washed my hair. Am puzzled. Tried to inform Lily of Potter's Freakishness, but my wig fell on her head. She blasphemed most loudly then attempted to commit a deadly sin. Unfortunately, not the one concerning cheating on your boyfriend. More violent, really. Then I ran away with a broken heart.
Day 25 Finally got sick of Luciousious hitting on me so I said, "You SUX0RZZZ BEANZ0RZZZZZ LUCIUS" He was stunned. I walked away, satisfied, leaving him in silence. Then I heard a scream of 'HE GOT MY NAME RIGHT!! HE LOVES ME, HE REALLY DOES!!" It couldn't have been Luciouscious. Really it couldn't have been.
Day 30 Am in infirmary with concussion. Woke up in the middle of the night to find someone clambering around on my bed and when I saw that it was Luciousious I jumped up and hit my head on the roof. I collapsed, and someone forced Luciousious to take me to the hospital wing, instead of doing terrible things to my unconscious body. He has visited me every night. He disturbs me. I think he is stalking me. GAAAH HELP ME ANYONE!!!
Day 34 Visited me again. Repeatedly called him Lucius, hoping to insult him so much that he would go away but he only became happier and happier. Only left when Potter, Black, Lupin and Peter came in for my daily beatings. Begged Potter to do something to Luciousious. Potter asked why. I told him about the nighttime incident. Potter, Black, and Lupin cracked up, but Pettigrew went pale. When the others had left he stayed behind, and he hissed, 'stay away from my Lucius, slutboy.' Am confused. Surely he could not mean what I think he could mean. He must be talking about someone else, as everyone knows that Luciousious' name is Luciousious, and people only call him Lucius to insult him. Lots of people insult him though....
Day 36 Mentioned Peter to Luciousious when he appeared last night. He merely said that he like me FAR more, and that Peter was ugly. Unfortunately, Peter was listening, and after Luciousious had left he jumped down from the rafters and tried to gauge out my eyeballs until Madame Pomphrey came in and told us that of we were going to kill each other, we should do it where everyone can see and gain the greatest amount of pleasure.
...
we know it ends in the middle of a chapter, but one half of our WONDERFUL WRITING TEAM OF WONDER had to go HOME, so the other half (me! AHAHA) decided to upload this. basically, we wrote lots and we cant be bothered to wait for like a week to write the rest (we go to different schools *sob*). heh heh heh. we hope we hurt your brains. BRAINSSSSSSSSS.
oh yes, another reason besides our own laziness why this has taken such a long time to be updated is because i forgot the password to our fanfiction.net account (yes. you can laugh. BUT YOU WILL PAY!!) and i had to email author K (like x-files! or it would be if either of us ever watched it...) and find it out, and we may or may not have to get a new account. hur hur hur. we're silly 'uns, aint we?
SHAMELESS PLUG: read one of our other fics, Lily: Queen of the Damned. its good, really. so what if we only have one review, adn that was a flame, and they called us ratboy. feel sorry for us. PLEASE?