Chapter Four – Secrets & Lies

It seemed as though Los Angeles had disappeared from the universe, Willow hadn't been able to contact Angel, Cordelia or Wesley and now all she could do was sit and listen to the ringing of a forgotten telephone miles away. She finally replaced the receiver and thought about what she could do now, a message had been left on Angel's answering machine but that wasn't going to help Spike and Buffy now. There were still a few people that were completely unaware of what was happening and Willow had put off calling them but now she knew that they needed to know.

Without looking up, she tapped in Xander's home number and waited for him to pick up. She didn't say much but stressed the importance of him and Anya joining them at the house. Xander had hung up immediately and Willow knew that he would be on his way already; she wondered if he'd have bothered if he knew it was Spike they were all so concerned about.

Buffy still wouldn't come downstairs, she sat on the bed with Spike despite his silence and wouldn't let her touch him, even to stroke his hair and tell him how she felt. He crawled into the corner of the bed and ignored her, hiding from her gaze and moaning that he didn't deserve to live, that she should kill him. Willow tried to get Buffy downstairs to greet Xander and Anya when they arrived but she couldn't leave him, she was fighting back the tears in here eyes and Willow knew it was because she had never felt so helpless.

Dawn ran to the front door as the bell chimed all over the house, Willow gave Buffy one last pleading look but it was ignored and she had to walk down the staircase alone, she had to be the one to tell them. They were chatting with Dawn on the sofa when she sat on the floor before them, her legs folded up underneath the coffee table.

" What's going on, Will?" asked Xander, a look of concern growing on his face. "Where's Buffy?"

" She's upstairs, she's fine," started Willow. She breathed in deeply and decided to just get it out. "Spike's back and he's got a soul,"

The colour drained from Anya's face and she hazarded a quick glance at Xander but he was staring at the floor. She had worked so hard to regain his trust and this was the one thing that could ruin everything, she had always worried about Spike coming back but after so long, she had forgotten about it altogether. She just prayed that Xander had dismissed her drunken night of desperation as well. Dawn decided that now would probably be a good time to leave the room and ran up the stairs to help Buffy watch over Spike.

" Where is he?" hissed Xander, finally.

" It doesn't matter where he is. Did you not hear me say he had a soul now," said Willow. Xander remained silent but continued to stare at Willow only breaking eye contact when a creak on the staircase announced Buffy's presence.

" He's in my bed and he's ill. Something's wrong with him and I don't know what it is," she said, pulling a chair across and joining the Scooby meeting.

" How long as he been back and he's already in your bed?" said Xander in total disbelief. "I'm sorry, Buffy but wake up! This soul thing is the lamest excuse to get back with you I've ever heard,"

" It's not an excuse, Xander. Spike has a soul now and we have to help him,"

" The hell we do. What's wrong with you? Is this just so you can have another Angel? Is he your boyfriend now?"

" God, Xander. This has got nothing to do with Angel or anything like that, why can't you just understand and support me?"

" Do you love him?"

" What does it matter? You'll never accept him either way," sighed Buffy. She understood why Xander was angry at Spike, especially after what had happened before he left but surely even he could see that Spike having a soul made everything different.

" What's wrong with him?" whispered Anya, her frightened eyes avoiding Xander's fixed stare. Her voice was wavering as she spoke and she couldn't believe that she had actually spoken up.

" We don't know but I've left a message with Angel," said Willow.

" I don't believe this. Have you all conveniently forgotten what Spike is? God Buffy, after what he did to you I thought you'd have more sense than this!" said Xander, Buffy ignored him and looked away.

" Why can't you listen? He has a soul, just like you and me. If you can forgive me for the things I've done then why not him? He's more like us than ever now," said Willow softly, her eyes focused on Xander's.

" He's not like you and me, Will. He's a killer, just like Angel was,"

" That is not fair. Why can't you just leave him out of this? I don't understand why you keep dragging up Angel, he's got nothing to o with this," sighed Buffy.

" He's got everything to do with this. Why don't you just admit it, Buffy? You can't have a normal boyfriend and now Spike has been defanged, everything can be perfect again. Just like it was with Angel. It's exactly the same, you're just going to be hurt again,"

" That's a chance that I'll have to take. I'm not putting my life on hold because I might get hurt, okay? If you really want to know, I do love Spike. I have for a long time now and if you can't handle that then it's not my problem," shouted Buffy.

Willow looked at her in shock, she knew that Buffy had strong feelings for Spike but she never would have imagined that she had fallen in love with him. She wondered how long Buffy had been carrying that secret around with her, hoping that she hadn't suffered with it too much and wishing she had confided in her.

" Can I see him? Maybe I can help," asked Anya quietly. Willow nodded and stood up, Anya chanced a look at Xander but he wouldn't look at her, she could see how hurt he was but she couldn't just leave Spike in pain. He'd been the only one who ever treated her like a human being from the start. Anya followed Willow up the stairs and after a few moments of silence Buffy followed leaving Xander to wallow in his confusion and anger.

Spike was sleeping when they looked in on him but Dawn was still keeping watch, occasionally glancing at her science book but mostly watching him sleep. Her breath catching in her throat as he thrashed about, calling someone's name under his breath. Always someone she didn't know. Buffy walked over and placed her hand on Dawn's shoulder, squeezing it slightly.

" How's he been?" she asked.

" Asleep. It's like he can't stay awake but he's having nightmares, he keeps shouting," explained Dawn. Anya walked over and looked at him, a look of sadness clouding her face. She couldn't believe it was Spike; he looked so different. She couldn't help but feel pity for him, William the Bloody had been reduced to a sorrowful creature. It was as if the house had been sleeping as well as Spike when it suddenly sprung into life. Spike woke up shouting at Buffy for forgiveness for killing her as the telephone started to ring and downstairs, the front door slammed shut. Anya ran down to chase Xander and explain while Buffy tried to calm Spike and Willow ran to answer the telephone in her bedroom.

" Check on Anya," said Buffy to Dawn as she sat on the edge of the bed. Dawn walked out of the room to find Anya and Xander, Buffy looked at Spike. "This isn't helping anyone, y'know. You need to forget all that stuff, you didn't kill me Spike."

Spike looked away from her, he felt ashamed to see her looking after him as if he was human. Part of him was desperate to get back to his old killing ways but image after image was bombarding his mind, forcing him to remember all those that he viciously killed for sport and food. Willow appeared in the doorway and Buffy looked up at her questioningly. She walked across and kneeled down before Buffy,

" It was Angel. He said after he was restored he was plagued by the faces of those he'd killed and Spike is probably going through the same thing," explained Willow. "He also said that he's just feeling sorry for himself and being a drama queen," Buffy let out a little laugh.

" Can you believe him? They can be just as bad as each other!" she smiled before pulling the covers back from Spike and grabbing the back of his trousers. "Come on! You are getting up and having a drink,"

Spike moaned in protest but Buffy was not taking 'no' for an answer. She pushed him down the staircase and handed Willow some money from her jeans pocket asking her to go to the butchers' for some blood. Spike sat on the sofa and stretched out, he was still quiet but seemed much better for being awake and in the real world rather than in the past.

" Buffy, I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for everything," he sighed, unable to look at her. She placed her hand on his, squeezing it gently.

" You've got nothing to apologise for. It's all in the past now, everything's forgotten," she whispered.

" I love you, Slayer," he murmured. Buffy looked across at him and smiled to herself. She leaned across and kissed his cheek.

" I love you too," she smiled. It felt good to say it aloud; she had wanted to tell him for so long. She had spent so much time trying to convince herself that it was a lie, that she couldn't love him because he was evil. It hadn't worked but now she could say it and mean it, Xander had been right about one thing; now Spike had a soul, things between them might just get perfect. No more secrets. No more lies.