Wisdom, by Jess

Category: CJ/Sam Post-ep Manchester II

Summary: Some things you do you can never repair.

Rating: R…strong language and a little sumpin'-sumpin' at the end.

Disclaimer: This one time in band camp, Aaron said…ok, yeah, these characters aren't mine. Go figure.

Thanks: Oh Sidda you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, hey Sidda. :)

Note: Third in the series…uh…the series as yet to be named. (We got a name yet, Sid?) . Anyhoo the order is 1) Flesh, 2) Red Moon

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"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." Josh raises an eyebrow questioningly as he slides the card across the table, our fingers touching briefly as I pick it up.

Already I know I need to defend myself, but I simply don't have the strength. My emotional wherewithal caught the last train for the coast about three hours ago, running off to elope with Leo's sympathy. OK, Claudia Jean, no more whiskey. I get too…oh, I don't know. Shit. My grasp of language is tenuous at best right now. Jack Daniels will do that.

"My mom, she, you know, sent it to me a few weeks ago. Thought I might appreciate it," I say softly as I place the prayer card back in my wallet behind the one dollar bill it had been hiding behind before it fell out while I was paying for my drinks. "But you know what I would really appreciate right now? A one-way ticket to anywhere but here."

"CJ," Josh warns as he leans closer.

I hold my hand up to ward off whatever he's about to say because my mind is not sharp enough to have this conversation. "I don't want to hear it, Joshua."

He sighs in frustration as he rubs a hand over his face. "Fine, but you need to get back to the farmhouse. Leo's pissed as hell." He waits for my response, and when there is none, his eyes flash angrily. "Why didn't you answer your cell phone or your pager?"

I smile sweetly at him and shrug my shoulders. "I didn't feel like it. Plus, I do believe it's possible that I left both of them in my hotel room."

He places his hands on his hips and shakes his head. "You left them…" he trails off incredulously. "Tell me something, CJ. Are you trying to get fired? We're making the announcement tomorrow, and you— "

"Josh, Josh, Josh." Well, that's what I was trying to say. I think it came out sounding more like `Yosh', but what the hell? "You need to relax, take it easy. Smell the roses and all that jazz."

"Ok, you know what?"

"Hmmmmmm?"

He wrinkles his forehead and looks around the smoke-filled room. "We're going to get you some coffee, and then we're going back to the farmhouse. We'll tell Leo that your cell phone ran out of juice, and that you forgot to replace the batteries in your pager."

"Actually, I am going back to my hotel room to sleep. Tomorrow's the big day, after all," I say as I get to my feet, gripping the edge of the bar because I'm not sure my legs will support me.

Josh places his arm around my waist and half-drags me out of the small dive. Once we're safely out of range of prying eyes, he turns to me and sighs. "You lied to me."

Normally I'd shrug his statement off, but he's got that whole `you killed my puppy' look going on, and so I throw my head back and notice for the first time how hypnotizing the blinking Corona bottle in the window is instead.

"CJ?"

"I didn't lie to you, Josh."

"I asked you…damn it, CJ, look at me." He waits until he has my full attention before continuing. "I asked you what was going on, and you told me—"

"Nothing, I said nothing was going on."

"Right…but I had a very interesting conversation with Leo today."

"Fucking Leo McGarry…he did it just to spite me, you know? I told him I would tell people—"

"So it's true then? You're thinking about resigning?"

"I'm not thinking about resigning, Josh. I am resigning."

He pulls back as if I have physically struck him, and his jaw clenches almost imperceptibly. He toes the loose gravel on the sidewalk and lowers his eyes. The tension in the air is almost tangible, and a few moments pass before he is able to look at me.

"Well, CJ, you haven't turned in your letter of resignation yet, so as far as I'm concerned, you're still part of this staff. The next time you feel the need to drown yourself in whiskey and self-pity, take your damn pager."

He begins walking towards his rental car, and I know he expects me to follow him. A flash of anger surges through me at his arrogance, but then I remember that he's right. Until I talk to the President tomorrow, I am still the Press Secretary, and by God, I'm going to finish this the right way.

+++++

If you live long enough, you forget everything.

Most people don't make it to that point. There are car accidents and liver disease. There are automatic machine guns and cancer. There are civil wars and brain aneurysms. And there is Multiple Sclerosis.

But all diseases, instruments of death, and fate aside, I will never forget the plane of Sam's chest, smooth under my hands. I will never forget his warm breath tickling my ear as he whispered my name, over and over. And I will never forget the look on his face this morning as he realized that there would never be an us.

He's too beautiful for me. I don't want to hurt him, don't want to destroy him. Despite the past few weeks, he still shines, almost painfully in fact. And I don't want to be the reason he fades.

I need to explain things to him. I need to make him understand that I am incapable of maintaining a healthy relationship, as healthy as someone who works for the president can have anyway. He deserves better.

"CJ?" I look over to Josh and he gazes at me curiously. "Where were you just then?"

"What?"

"I've called your name three times…you were spaced out."

"Sorry. I…" I wave my plastic coffee cup around sigh. "I was just thinking about some things."

"Well, we're here."

I look out the window and notice for the first time the wide expanse of trees, and the slope of the roof almost hidden by the darkness of night. I unbuckle my seatbelt and open the door. Before I can touch my foot to the ground however, Josh reaches over and grabs my shoulder.

"Claudia Jean?"

Oh shit. Josh is pulling out the big guns. He only calls me Claudia Jean when he's extremely happy, or when he's about to impart some serious news.

"What?"

"I don't want you to go."

I close my eyes tightly because the plaintive tone of his voice is enough to make me want to cry. His hand travels down my arm and he gently entwines our fingers together. I feel like I'm suffocating in the confines of the car, and I rip my hand away from his.

"Don't do this to me, Josh. Just don't," I say unsteadily as I slam the car door and begin walking the well-worn path to the house.

There's movement in the distance and I stop for a moment as I try to identify the two bodies standing by the fence. I instantly quell the flash of jealousy that travels all the way to my fingertips as Sam moves closer to Connie. I have no right to feel this way. None what- so-ever.

"Well, that was inevitable," Josh says quietly as he looks across the horizon.

He's right of course. Sam's lonely-- hell, I think we're all lonely-- and Connie's a beautiful woman. I've seen her looking at Sam a little too long in meetings, and I overheard some guy talk in Josh's office the night we were introduced to Bruno's staff. They'd make an attractive couple, and I tell myself that maybe she'd be good for him.

"Yeah," I return tiredly as I drown the last dregs of bitter coffee.

"Seriously CJ—"

"Can we not do this tonight? Let me just go in there so I can get yelled at by Leo, stared at by Doug, ignored by Bruno, and pitied by Toby. OK?"

Josh's eyes widen at the thickness of my voice and he takes a step closer, even as I try to wave him off. "Where is all this coming from, CJ?"

"I'm so tired," I admit honestly. "I'm so tired of being punished for something that happened a month ago. I fucked up royally. I know that…but I don't deserve this."

"Nobody's punishing you."

I smile at his naivete and shake my head. "The First Lady denied me cider, Josh. Leo can't even speak to me without being angry and Bruno barely acknowledges my presence because he knows I'm on the way out. The President hasn't said two words outside of official business to me. Don't tell me I'm not being punished."

He lowers his eyes and sighs in frustration. "The First Lady denied you cider?"

"She was pissed because I wanted to get some pictures of her and the President together. I'm just trying to do my job, and…" I trail off because I'm tired of explaining myself.

"That's my fault…because I got in your face about—"

"Forget it. I'm gonna go in now."

He follows me and waits to speak until we get to the porch. "I know things are bad for you right now, CJ. But we're here for you…Sam, Toby and me."

His voice is so earnest that I can't help smiling. "I know."

"Look, I'll talk to Leo—"

"Josh, if you're my friend, then you'll respect what I'm about to say." I wait for him to nod his head before continuing. "I don't need you to defend me. I don't want to be the reason you lose focus. Bartlet's a good man, and you need to get him re-elected. Don't waste energy or time on a losing cause. I'm leaving."

"You know, when I talked to Leo, he seemed to think that the reason you were considering resigning was because you thought it was best for the campaign," Josh says pensively.

"Yeah…so?"

"Now I'm beginning to think it has more to do with you wanting to take the easy way out. If you don't think you can handle the job anymore, just say so. But don't pretend this is some act of self- sacrifice."

I wonder for a moment how he can move from `don't go' and `we're here for you' to `stop being a selfish bitch' so quickly. Maybe I'll ask him sometime, but for now, anger travels through my veins like lightning. He refuses to look away from me, even though I can see the regret written plainly in his eyes. I think of all the things I should say, and of all the things I shouldn't say. I don't know how long I stand there before I finally speak, but it seems like hours.

"Fuck you, Josh," I say simply as I brush past him to the door.

++++

I lose myself in the curl of smoke and don't bother acknowledging the footsteps behind me. I know it's Sam without turning around because he is the only one brave enough to seek me out.

"I didn't know you smoked," he says conversationally as he sits beside me on the hay-covered floor.

"I don't."

"Well, I hate to tell you this, CJ, but you've got a cigarette in your hand."

"Don't, Sam."

"Don't what?"

"Don't try to be funny."

He sighs in frustration and leans his head back against the wall. "What are you doing out here?"

"I'm hoping there's a poisonous snake hiding in here somewhere."

He snorts and studies my profile because I refuse to look at him. He reaches out to touch my arm, but I pull away suddenly because I'm afraid I'll fall apart if I feel the tenderness in his fingers. He doesn't understand that though, so he gets to his feet and starts pacing angrily in front of me.

"Help me out here, CJ. How can we make this better for you? How can we make it so that you don't hide in the barn smoking like a fucking chimney, or drinking your weight in Jack Daniels?"

Angry Sam is a Very Hot Sam. His cheeks are flushed with exasperation, and his eyes are so fiery that I contemplate taking him right there on the floor in front of God and the horses. He doesn't notice the desire in my eyes, however, and glares at me until I answer.

"There's nothing you can do, Spanky," I begin, only to be interrupted by Sam as he throws his arms into the air.

"Jesus Fucking Christ, CJ. Stop treating me like your little brother. I'm your equal, all right? I'm a grown man."

"I know," I say quietly. I almost crack under the intensity of his stare and so I look down at the burning cigarette in my hand, flicking away the gray ashes and stubbing out the butt before it reaches my fingers. "My mom used to smoke."

I feel his curiosity as he squats before me and places both hands on the floor to steady himself. "What are you talking about?"

I look into his azure eyes and shrug. "My mom used to smoke…when I was growing up. I like the smell because it reminds me of her, so you know, when I've had a bad day, or when I feel homesick, I just like to light one up. I don't smoke them." I smile sheepishly and duck my head again. "I know it sounds stupid, but—"

"No, no. It's not stupid." His voice is rough and before I know what's happening, he leans forward and presses his lips against mine.

"Sam, we can't do this. It was a one time thing," I whisper as I push him away gently. "I told you this morning that—"

"I know," he breathes as he stands up again. "I'm sorry, you just looked so beautiful."

I blush and shake my head. "Connie's nice, Sam. You should ask her out to dinner."

His eyes narrow and his voice becomes dangerously quiet. "Pardon me?"

I climb to my feet and nervously push a strand of hair out of my eyes. "I was just thinking that maybe you'd enjoy each other's company, you know? She—"

"Do me a favor, CJ, and stay out of my love-life. I mean," he laughs bitterly, "You are the last person I'd ever take advice from in that department."

I smile humorlessly at his observation. "You said it wouldn't mean anything, Sam. Why do I get the feeling that you're pissed at me because I don't want the same thing you do?"

"You know what? I get it, CJ. You don't want to explore any potential relationship with me…I can handle it. Just don't try to set me up with women, ok? Damn it." Sam pounds the wall as he turns to walk away. He stops suddenly and faces me once more. "I know I told you it would just be mindless no-strings attached sex, but I can't help feeling this way." He runs a hand through his hair and sighs. "Give me a few days."

The pain in his eyes is almost too much to bear, and I feel I owe him some measure of honesty. "Everything I touch turns to shit, Sam."

He doesn't reply, and for a moment I don't think he's heard me. But then he crosses the distance between us until he is mere centimeters away. I reach out tentatively and smooth the front of his jacket. "I want you so bad it hurts…but I don't want to hurt you. And—"

He presses me roughly against the wall, pinning my arms above my head and cutting off my words with an urgent kiss. "I can take care of myself, CJ. Let me worry about the repercussions. Right now, I just want to make love to you," he murmurs as his lips move across my jaw.

Alarms go off in my head, because clearly this isn't just sex to him anymore. While I don't think he loves me, I know he's beginning to care about me in a way that can only end in heartbreak. I have to end this; I have to end this now.

My resolve begins to weaken when he nips gently at my earlobe and pushes his knee between my thighs. This is wrong, but damn it, I'm past the point of caring when he finally pulls away in order to ascertain my intent. I claim his lips hungrily and smile when he moans in pleasure.

I wrestle my hands free from his grasp and push his jacket over his shoulders. "Too many clothes, Sam."

-fin-

…to be continued…

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Time no good

wisdom no good

patience no good

to me anymore

Now the night had fallen on the stair

some things you do you can never repair

seems I'm always pretending

things aren't there when they are

And the leaves are nearly off the trees

and the traffic thick past yellow windows

I'm waiting in the frozen headlights

thinking of you

And the trees are looking like bones

and the afternoon's filled with storm and rain

I'm staring out of this metal train

thinking of you

and the trees are looking like bones

the afternoon filled with rain and storm

and I'm tangled up in memory's thorns

no way through

Trees like bones, yellow windows

memories, thorns, oh and you

--Wisdom, David Gray--