Mystery of Love, by Jess
Category: Post-ep `On The Day Before' CJ/Sam
Rating: R for language and tiny mention of hot monkey love.
Disclaimer: I wish I was a little bit taller, I wish I was a baller, I wish I…(don't look at me like I'm loca…I know someone out there remembers this song). Anyway, as much as I wish these characters were mine, they belong to ABS.
Summary: And I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, Cos I taste it on your lips. And I feel a weight that can bear me double, you lift it with your fingertips.
Thanks: To Sid for using her 33% for good and not evil…well, only a little evil.
___________________
The sounds of subdued laughter reach me as soon as I open the door. Manuel, the burly bartender who called, smiles slightly at me as he motions to one of the booths in the far corner. I nod my appreciation and walk past the dozen or so patrons still huddled in their seats at midnight, trying not to cringe at some of the more lascivious gazes.
Josh spots me first, and his eyes light up as he scoots over in the seat. "CJ, what are you doing here? Have
a drink with us."
Sam looks at me briefly, but goes back to studying his beer and I try not to think about how much that cuts me. Instead I smile brightly at Josh and touch his shoulder gently. "Manny called me. I've come to take you two home."
"Manny called? Why?"
"Because you two are so wasted, he didn't even trust you to take a cab safely. Come on, let's go."
"But Sam hasn't finished his beer yet," Josh whines.
Sam looks up and finally meets my eyes, searching for anger, or maybe something more. But I've got a good poker face, best in the Cregg family as a matter of fact, and he won't see anything I don't want him to. He swallows the rest of the contents in his glass in one gulp and offers me a challenging look.
"Well, I'm sure your frat brothers would be impressed, Sam, can we get out of here now?"
He doesn't even blink as he gets to his feet, although he sways a bit unsteadily before he gains control. Josh isn't as lucky and I have to grip his arm so he doesn't fall on the floor. They both wave goodbye to Manny, and he smiles at me again as I throw some money on the smooth surface of the bar.
"Drive safely," he calls to our retreating backs.
"Ok, if anyone pukes in my car, they will be in a world of hurt…after they pay to have it cleaned up of course," I warn as I settle Josh into the back seat of my Ford Escape.
Sam is already in the passenger side before I shut the door and I sigh because he won't even look at me. I wonder for a moment what I did to piss him off, and then mentally shrug it away because I'm too tired to have this conversation with myself.
"Can we listen to the radio?" Josh asks.
"No."
"Why not? Are you going to yell at us?"
I try to hide my smile as I shake my head. "I'm not your mother, Josh. You can do what you want. I just don't like being roused from my bed at midnight to come pick your sorry ass up. So we're just going to sit quietly while you contemplate your actions."
"How did Manny get your phone number?"
"I gave it to him about a year ago when you buffoons started frequenting the joint. I didn't want any press nightmares."
"I don't feel so good, Claudia Jean."
"Remember this the next time you decide to go drinking then," I say sternly as I glare at him from the rearview mirror. But he looks so miserable that I soften. "Stick your head out the window, mi amor. The air will do you good."
We reach his modest town house about ten minutes later and I glance at Sam. "I'm gonna get him inside, make sure he's all right. Don't steal my car." He smiles at me and nods his head, and my heart feels a little lighter because maybe he's not mad at me after all.
Once Josh is tucked in fifteen minutes later, I get back in the car to discover Sam asleep against the window. I resist the urge to trace his jawbone because he looks so peaceful, and instead put my keys back into the ignition. I don't even realize I'm heading towards my apartment until the elegant building comes into sight.
Breathe, Claudia Jean.
This doesn't mean anything. I just don't feel like driving all the way across town to Sam's place. It has nothing to do with the fact that I've gotten use to the feel of his warm body next to mine, if only for a few hours. And it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that I had a hard time sleeping the night before last when I didn't get to see him. Nothing at all.
I open his door and gently push his shoulder. "Come on, Samshine, wake up."
He lazily opens his incredible eyes and gazes at me in confusion. "Where are we?"
"My place." When he raises an eyebrow, I smile. "It was closer. Come on you big Lush, let's get inside."
He mutters something incoherently as he disengages himself from the seatbelt and follows me up the stairs, one hand placed tenderly against the small of my back. I relish the warmth, but remind myself that he's in no condition to do any of the things running through my mind right now. Pity.
As soon as I shut the door behind him, he takes me in his arms and presses an urgent kiss against my lips. His mouth taste as bitter as the beer he consumed earlier, and I push him away firmly.
"I'm putting you to bed, Sam. That's it, you got it?" He looks at me innocently, but I see the mischievous glint in his eyes and I pat the side of his face. "I'm serious here."
He nods his head slightly and allows me to lead him to the bedroom. I watch in amusement as his eyes travel quickly over the antique dresser and vanity table; the bookshelf lined with various family photos and knick-knacks; the large four poster bed complete with more pillows than a single body needs.
"Wow," he breathes in wonder.
Sam has been to my apartment maybe five times since we've been in Washington, but he's never seen this particular room. No one has. The pictures and paintings, the necklaces and earrings lying haphazardly across the knotted surface of the bureau, the simple crucifix hanging over the closet door; these things are too revealing and I have never felt comfortable enough inviting anyone else here.
My heart beats wildly as I realize what I've just done, but as I look into Sam's eyes, my fears quiet. He knows he's been given a gift and he squeezes my hand reassuringly. This is the biggest concession I can make to him now, and I wonder if it will be enough.
I begin to unbutton his shirt, and he places his hands on my hips, moving his thumbs in gentle circles. I look at him reproachfully, but he merely smiles back enigmatically. And suddenly his hands are on the edges of my T-shirt, fumbling to pull it over my head. I push him down onto the bed and smile.
"What did I tell you, Sam?"
"You said you were putting me to bed…I just want you to come with me."
"You're not going to work your wiles on me, buddy. We have to be to work in six hours, and we haven't been getting much sleep lately. Besides, your coordination is severely lacking right now," I explain as I pull his trousers down around his ankles.
"Is that a slur against my manhood?"
I laugh as I kiss the top of his head, and then move him beneath the giant down comforter. He sighs and watches me as I walk to the bathroom, returning minutes later with a glass of water and two Advils.
"Take these, drink this, and then I'll turn out the lights," I command softly as I change into my pajamas, taking delight in the desire so obvious in his expressive eyes.
"Thank you, CJ," he murmurs drowsily as I take the empty glass from his hand, setting it on the nightstand.
"Anytime," I reply as I climb into the bed beside him, wrapping my arms around his middle and spooning against his back. "But we will be having a discussion about this tomorrow."
He answers me with a soft snore.
+++++
It feels like I've only been asleep for minutes when the alarm clock begins to sound incessantly in the loud series of beeps I've started to curse. I reach across Sam to pound ferociously on the snooze button, but can't help smiling when he places a soft kiss on the inside of my arm.
"Why on Earth do you have this infernal thing set for four am?" he asks huskily.
"I like to go to the gym in the morning," I answer as I snuggle against his back. "How's the hangover?"
"I don't know, call Josh and ask him," he replies arrogantly as he turns so that we're facing each other.
"How much did you drink last night?"
"Not as much as I led you to believe," he says as he brushes his hand against my cheek.
"What are you talking about?"
"It's possible that I may have bribed Manny to call you," he admits guiltily.
"What? Why would you do something like that?" I ask as I pull away slightly.
"Because I wanted to see you."
"You could have just called me yourself, Sam."
"Really?"
"Of course," I say, my voice tinged with just a bit of exasperation. "You don't think you could have just picked up the phone? Did you think I would hang up on you?"
"Maybe."
"Oh, Sam. What's this about?"
"What do you mean?"
"You were depressed last night. I mean, even if you weren't as drunk as I thought, you still weren't yourself."
"So now you think you know me? We've been sleeping together for two weeks and already you're an expert on Sam Seaborn?" He sits up and swings his legs over the side of the bed so that I'm left staring at his back.
"Don't do this to me, Sam. Don't shut me out." I hate the frailty of my voice, and pray he doesn't notice.
"You know, CJ, you're so sure that you're going to hurt me. You think you're the darkness. But the thing is, you walk into a room, and it's suddenly ten times brighter. Your smile rivals the sun. Everything is so much more bearable when you're around. And maybe…"
When he trails off uncertainly, I slide behind him and wrap my arms around his neck. He lowers his head and I can feel his warm breath against my hands. "What is it, Sam?" My voice is shaking slightly at the power of his statement and I wonder if he knows how much his words mean to me.
"Maybe I'm the darkness," he finishes quietly in a choked whisper.
"No, do you hear me, Sam? No."
"How do you know?"
I pull him back to lie in the bed and rest my head on his chest. "Because when you touch me, when you look at me, everything seems better, easier. I just…you make me feel so much lighter." I raise my head so that I can look into his eyes. "You could never be the darkness, Sam. You're too beautiful. Do you believe me?"
He holds my gaze for immeasurable seconds before nodding his head almost imperceptibly. "It's just…I don't know anymore. We used to know who our friends were. Now members of our own party are holding us hostage. I'm so tired of being bitter, CJ."
I run a hand through his dark hair and smile as he captures my fingers, bringing them to his lips. "I know, Sam. But things will get better."
"You really believe that?"
"I have to, because sometimes it's the only thing that gets me out of bed in the mornings."
We lay wrapped in silence and each other for another five minutes before he smiles slightly. "How was the dinner last night?"
I roll my eyes and bury my face against his chest. "You don't want to know."
His chuckles and gently twirls strands of my hair between his fingers. "You get stuck learning about oxidation and redux reactions?"
"On the contrary. He couldn't keep his hands off my knee, and he kept telling me about the hot tub in his hotel room."
"What?"
I look at up at him and smile. "I did look hot last night, Sam."
"You look hot all the time," he responds smoothly. "But he's a chemist."
"He's still a man though."
"I suppose test tubes and beakers get a little tiresome after a while," he says thoughtfully.
I smack him lightly on the chest and sit up. He moves his hands to rest on my outstretched calves, regarding me quietly for a few moments. "I don't think I like that look," I laugh as he leans forward.
"Hey, CJ?"
"Yeah?"
"You still have that dress?"
I arch an eyebrow and smile. "Um, yeah. It's hanging in the closet."
"You want to, you know, put it on?"
"Not particularly, no."
"What if I told you it would make my day?"
"I'd tell you to go put it on, then."
"Come on, CJ," he wheedles as he all but bats his eyelashes at me. "I didn't have time to fully appreciate the view."
"That's your own fault. You should pay more attention next time."
Sam smiles suggestively and moves between my legs. "I was concentrating on not taking you right there on the President's desk," he whispers as he closes the distance between us and pulls my bottom lip between his teeth. "Come on, go put it on."
"Why are you so obsessed with that damn dress?" I ask in frustration as I try to deepen the kiss, only to have him pull away.
"Because I want to take it off of you."
"All right, but I'm not putting any nylons on," I say as I get to my feet and run towards the closet.
Warmth spreads through my entire body at the look on his face when I emerge two minutes later clad in the gown I agonized over in the small designer boutique. Sam smiles widely and walks towards me, stopping when we are centimeters apart.
"You are so beautiful," he whispers reverently as he traces the line of the bodice with one finger.
I shiver in desire and anticipation, and wonder just when I allowed Sam to gain control of the situation. But when he lowers his mouth to suck on my collarbone, I realize that I don't care.
++++++
My hair is wrapped in a towel, and I'm wearing only a blouse when I walk into the kitchen to find Sam frowning over the sink. His shirt is still unbuttoned, and his tie is draped across his right shoulder, and I don't think he's ever looked sexier to me.
"What are you still doing here? You realize you have to be at work in forty-five minutes, and it takes you at least ten to get back—"
"You have no food in your apartment," he cuts me off. "None. Not an egg, a piece of bread, even moldy cheese. You have nothing. I can't make you breakfast with nothing."
I kiss his cheek as I reach past him to flip on the coffee maker. "I know. I haven't had time to go grocery shopping in a while. Besides, I don't eat breakfast. It was sweet of you to think of though."
"Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, CJ."
"Two cups of coffee, and I'm good to go, honestly."
He rolls his eyes at me and leans against the counter top. "You need to start taking better care of yourself. You work horrendous hours, you get an average of four hours of sleep a night, and your job is high stress."
"I already have a mom, and she nags me enough, ok, Sam?"
"I'm serious here."
"So am I."
"I'm just sayin'—"
"I know what you're saying, Sam, and I'm telling you your concern is not necessary. I can take care of myself. I've been doing it for a long time now. Go bug Josh about his eating habits."
"I'm not sleeping with Josh," he points out quietly, meeting my gaze head-on.
"Oh for Christ's sake. You weren't concerned with any of this before we started…sleeping together. I'm the same person I've always been, so stop treating me differently."
"But you're not the same person to me, CJ."
"And that's your fucking problem. I don't need saving, okay? I was doing just fine before you came along, and I'll be fine when you're gone." My voice sounds shrill even to my own ears and Sam looks down at his fingers as he nimbly buttons his shirt in record speed.
He laughs bitterly now and refuses to meet my gaze. "You're a piece of work, you know that?" He looks like he's about to continue, but a yellow taxi pulls up to the curb and honks the horn. He doesn't say anything as he walks out the door, slamming it behind him.
The apartment rings with the finality of his exit long after the cab has pulled away. He's a warm body, nothing else. At least that's what I tell myself as I walk back to the bedroom to get ready forwork, absently picking up the obscenely expensive dress from the floor.
I don't know how much longer I can continue to evade his subtle attempts to invade my life without breaking his heart all together. I give as much ground as I can, but that only makes him hungry for more. I know deep down that he's lying to me, that he believes this thing between us can develop into something real, something normal.
I start to think that the next time I see him, I'll call it off, as I've promised myself I'd do since we got back to DC. But even as I apply my make-up, attempting to hide the hollowness in my cheeks, I know I've never felt more alive than I do when I'm with him.
His touch is addictive, his kisses intoxicating. I can't walk away. And I hate myself for it.
-fin-
++++
The city gates at twilight
And a red ship sinking
Behind winter's grey wall
Ice in the wind
But a fire in the embers
of my heart
As darkness falls
In a candlelit room
Where your eyes are laughing
Smoking in the red chair
And nothing in the world
'cept the beating of my heart
Against the nerves of the air
And I know there's a light
At the end of the tunnel
Cos I taste it on your lips
And I feel a weight
That can bear me double
You lift it with your fingertips
So often it happens
That words prove useless
In the face of how it feels
So it is as the mystery of love
keeps growing
The more my heart reveals
Temptations endless whispers
Try to keep it in perspective
So much to distract
Walking on a wire
While your juggling desire
It's all part of this balancing act
And it gets hard to know
Just what you believe
As the argument rages on
But for all of the talk
Its only true to say
That if you have no hope
There is none
A tangle of tongues
Flesh flowers and thistles
of conscience, spittle and skin
We can't change the past
So we'll raise this cup to our lips
And drink it all in
And meantime back in civilization
The rain is cold as steel
But the mystery of love
It just keep growing
The more my heart reveals
As sure as the rose
The bright day blooms
As surely still it fades
And the night kindles stars
On empty winds
And ghosts along the collonades
And slow but sure
the sands are falling
As the bridge burns
beneath the wheel
And the mystery of love
It just keeps growing
The more my heart reveals
The more my heart reveals
The Mystery of Love—David Gray