Chapter 18
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to a special CNBC news broadcast: Love and lust at the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning. We must warn you that due to the explicit and somewhat disturbing nature of our footage, this program is not suitable for those less than eighteen years of age."
"Now for the first section: Duplicate your satisfaction by duplicating yourself."
Hank watched with growing horror as the scenes of the early evening played out in front of him. "No!" he roared as Dark Beast was shown kissing Bobby and then it showed him and Emma in the infirmary finding inventive new uses for a stethoscope.
Emma came running when she heard her fiancées screams, with Rogue, Bishop and Remy hot on her heels. They stopped dead in their tracks when they saw the TV crew run over by a horde of naked women on the wide screen. Logan, Jubilee and Ororo and from the third floor came the unmistakable wheeze of the hover chair.
"Here we show you that ferals really are animals if you know what I mean."
The footage focused on Logan in bed with Jubilee and Ororo, the situation Jean Grey set him up in, the "Logan you are beautiful" scene, the entanglement with Scott and Remy, the Dark Beast sideburn desecration incident and there was some of Creed as well with Mort and Raven and the previously unseen incident where Mort mistook Dark Beast for Creed and tried to snuggle him.
Dark Beast carrying Bobby or Roberta on his shoulders was followed by a still dizzy Warren while Creed, Mort and Raven bamfed in with Kurt.
"As for the finder of the school he is the living example of the principle, "love your enemy""
Essex and Xavier just barged in to hear Trish's last comment before the camera footage showed their weird games including, Naughty Teenage Sisters, Lesbian Nazi Interrogator, Confession Time At The Nunnery and Feral Love Machines.
All X-Men stared in shock at the screen and turned to face their mentor and his lover. Charles winced and said "Oops."
Nathaniel just stood their innocently blinking mascara clad eyelashes at the crowd.
Logan was about to growl a reply when he caught the scent of Bobby and instantly forgot Jubilee and the others thinking only of his ice prince looking like dreams come true. Unluckily Ororo felt exactly the same way and exchanging looks the two charged for Bobby at exactly the same time.
Iceman didn't even have time to scream before Logan grabbed him and hefted him onto his back running for his room, Storm close behind him pouring snow, rain and hail on the feral. Dark Beast paled beneath his fur and mumbling an excuse dashed after them. Jubilee sighed pulled out a tranquilizer gun and set off on the hunt for Wolverine.
"What the heck was that all about?" asked Scott who had joined too late, because Kitty had insisted on phasing and they had dropped through to Calcutta. The sight that greeted the new couple was too much for Scott's jittery nerves: Xavier wearing a silky negligee, Sinister with makeup in something that looked a lot like a duplicate of Jessica Rabbits dress including red wig and pink high heels.
He fainted dead away.
"Just you stop right there hairy," growled Jubilee at Dark Beast.
"I admit my responsibility unreservedly Jubilation. I was compelled to sabotage the aftershave by a voice in my head," whined Dark Beast groveling before her.
"Sounds like Jean or Marti so I want you to prepare a little something to punish them for me. Now get up and stop licking my slippers with your tongue," ordered Jubilee.
Logan grinned as he carried his ice prince into the bedroom he shared with Ororo and Jubilee. He scratched the stubble on his chin thoughtfully and popped his claws slicing through the fabric of Bobby's shirt. Then a gale force wind battered down the door.
Dark Beast was spitting out bits of fluff from Jubilee's slippers when a clawed hand tapped him on the shoulder.
"Hey Dark Beast I know ya all alone. I'm all alone today because its Mort's turn ta be with Raven and they've gone off on a picnic with Rogue, Remy and Kurt. Do ya want ta comfort me in my loneliness fuzz-ball?" growled Creed.
"Yes I think I would," purred Dark Beast.
Little did he know that Martinique had found his device and had sent it to Trish Tilby?
Scott was tucked up in bed with Kitty and a concerned Emma and Hank were fussing over him. There was a knock on the door and an ashamed Professor X floated in on his hover chair.
"I've seen it all Xavier and I don't know how you could do such things with that monster. You know how much he made my life miserable," howled the distraught Scott.
"The part with the soapy frogs, inflatable Wolverine doll and the rubber truncheon was the worst," said Kitty paling at the memory.
"Well I missed Magnus. Since he's been ruling Genosha we don't have time for fun like we used to. Nathaniel was lonely too since Remy and Victor refused to see him any more. He loved you as well Scott but knew it just wasn't too be," sighed Xavier.
"I don't want to hear it," gulped Scott.
"Well Nathaniel and I want to be together so I'm leaving the X-Men and you can be the leader now," said Xavier.
"I don't want the job at the moment, not right after suffering a nervous breakdown," moaned Scott.
"Hank will you be the leader?" asked Xavier.
"On the condition that Emma can be co-leader with me and that we put my brother on a separate team," said Hank.
Suddenly the window shattered as Dark Beast and Sabretooth rolled through it locked in a passionate embrace. They landed right on top of the unfortunate Xavier.
Chapter 19
"Oh how lovely a present for me from Hank," cooed Trish.
She opened it and a large amount of gray powder exploded out covering her entirely ruining her clothing and emitting a pungent odor.
"Oh s***, it ruined my camera," moaned Trish.
Twelve miles away the Jean-Beast followed the trail of the irresistibly smelling powder that Dark Beast had created…… mating time was close.
Bobby sat crouched on the far corner of the large bed watching the ongoing madness. Storm had called up a combination blizzard and lightning storm trying to simultaneously electrocute and freeze Logan while the latter was using the snow and ice to make rock hard snowballs to throw back at his lover.
"Handsome Robert is mine and mine alone nasty animal!"
"Not hardly darlin, and not if I got a say in it."
Jubilee snuck in aimed and shot a dart into Logan's nicely shaped… posterior.
He collapsed like a felled tree nearly crushing Bobby.
Storm froze in midair lightning crackling around her fingertips and stared down at her fallen mate. A few pafs sent her tumbling to the floor.
Jubilee headed for Bobby grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to his room where they saw Dark Beast in bed with Vic fulfilling his feral fantasies. The fuzzy gray one was shocked to see the young X-Men watching him aghast.
"Uh hello Bobby, look this really isn't what it looks like," began Dark Beast which of course broke Bobby's heart causing him to flee to the roof.
"You know I think we should have left you with Trish then at least you wouldn't have hurt Bobby," said Jubilee before going to her room to play doctor with her two favorite patients.
"I don't think that turned out too well at all," muttered Dark Beast before returning his attention to Vic's sideburns.
"Well my dear Charles are you sure about this decision?" asked Sinister neatly folding a pink and blue jumpsuit and stacking it inside Xavier's suitcase.
"Absolutely, if your little island paradise in the Seychelles is as pretty as you say it is, we might as well retire there," replied Charles who had escaped with a cracked rib and severe bruises from Creed and McCoy's little wrestle.
"What about the X-Men or should I say XXX-Men!" quipped Sinister.
Xavier went into hysterics from this awful joke.
The full moon lent a romantic air to the picnic and everyone was happy including Kurt who was mostly talking to himself.
Well actually he was flirting with the Phoenix but as she was invisible he looked a bit crazed to say the least.
Remy and Rogue were trying out a new version of the Genoshan collar which was now available as an earring so it didn't get in the way. Unfortunately they kept falling off and Remy kept falling unconscious after every passionate kiss he shared with Rogue.
Raven had turned into a little girl and was using Mort's tongue as a skipping rope. "82, 83, one for Creed, one for Toynbee," she chanted in a child's voice as she jumped over the slippery tongue.
Suddenly a panicked woman in gray shredded clothes ran past out of the woods with a large red and gray haired creature which was growling, "Mate, mate, wait for Jean."
The picnickers could only look on in horror as Trish was captured by their transformed teammate and dragged back into the forest to meet a ghastly fate, her screams fading into the distance.
"Shouldn't we help her," asked Kurt.
"Non mon ami, we don't go to de rescue until Tuesday since we get no money till then," said Remy.
"I thought Hank was the leader now," said Kurt furrowing his brow.
"Yes but Emma handles the finances now and used all our money to buy some new white leather suits and things so we're out of cash until next week sugah," explained Rogue.
Kurt shrugged and went back to exchanging cookery lessons with Phoenix.
"I think this should remain our little secret wouldn't you say dearest," said Ororo looking down at the sleeping Logan.
"Even if it is tempting to take a picture and tease him with it," said Jubilee.
She pulled up the sheets over the three of them and gently stroked the sleeping Logan's hair while he was innocently sucking his thumb.
The roof of the mansion was an Antarctic wasteland in the midst of which was the crying Bobby. His beloved snuggly furry gray Hankster had betrayed him with an overgrown blonde werewolf who had all the morals of Jubilee on a sugar high.
"My DB betrayed me," wailed Bobby looking up to see Dark Beast looking at him anxiously.
"Go away you bastard, I hate you," yelled Bobby shooting an ice sheet towards Dark Beast.
Frost and icicles covering his fur Dark Beast fell to his knees and began weeping pitifully.
"Oh Bobby I am not worthy to pluck your nasal hairs or lick your boots clean with my tongue. I suffered the twisted vengeance of that most awful of beings. She took over my mind and body and forced me to mate with Victor Creed. Oh damn her for what she did to me. How could she stoop so low in her efforts to gain revenge on me," howled Dark Beast with superb acting skills.
"Oh man, what a fool I've been. I should have known it was Jean all along," gasped Bobby. Sobbing he embraced Dark Beast and buried his face in the silky gray fur. Dark Beast hugged him back and grinned with smug self satisfaction.
There was a knock at the door and Beast opened it to reveal the bedraggled forms of Trish Tilby and Martinique Jason.
"I hereby repent my wicked ways and I wish to join the X-Men," said Mastermind.
"Well you may do so if you promise not to cause any more trouble. I'm feeling magnanimous since I'm getting married the day after tomorrow," said Hank.
"Marti saved me from Jean and to show my good intentions I'm giving you a warning," explained Trish.
She told Hank that after they had escaped from the Jean-Beast they had a run in with Magneto and his Acolytes. Magneto had seen the news program and was upset about Xavier's affair with Sinister. Jean Grey had joined forces with him and they were planning to disrupt the wedding.
"We must make a plan to stop them," mused Hank scratching his chin.
Little did they know that Apocalypse also planned to attend the wedding? He always liked to be at those happy occasions even though they always made him cry.
Chapter 20
"I am!"
"The heck you are!"
"I don't even know why you are discussing this when it is only natural that I-"
Emma, Kitty, Rogue, Jubilee, Raven and Bobby were arguing about whom would walk down the aisle first while the grooms watched with annoyed expressions.
"T'ink dey be done 'till August?" Remy asked Logan.
"Be lucky if it's Jubes baby shower," the feral growled then blushed red as he saw the Cajuns raised eyebrow.
Just as the discussion was about to turn violent Warren flew in carrying Bishop in his arms before landing amongst the squabbling brides. Flapping his wings he cleared his throat and said.
"You'd better add one more wedding to the list people since I just proposed to Bishop and he accepted. I'm rich, gay, blue and proud of it and I don't even have gray fur. So naturally I will be first."
Everyone pictured Angel in a white wedding dress and broke out into spontaneous laughter. Warren looked bewildered and turned to his chuckling fiancée.
"Did I say something wrong honey bunny?"
"No but I recommend you let we wear the wedding dress on our big day my dear," said Bishop before giving Warren a kiss.
"So my dear ally would you say this twisted plan of yours will wreak enough havoc to finally defeat the X-Men? Then I can take over the world and make everyone wear tight spandex!" purred Magneto while changing Jean Grey to her original aging self.
"Of course when I'm through with them they will be history," snarled Jean tossing back her red-dyed hair.
Magneto rolled his eyes and sighed at this talk of revenge. All he wanted was to teach Charles a lesson before forgiving him and claiming his heart once and for all. He frowned again as he surveyed his groupies, sorry Acolytes.
"Where are the ladies? I remember there being quite a few women in the group."
"My lord Voght and Cargill got married last year and moved to Hawaii. The rest recently took a job with Martinique Jason as prostitutes," answered Delgado.
"Thank you. Now time for my brilliant plan, we take Logan, Creed, LeBeau, both McCoys and Summers hostage and bring them to my private island where we pour this," he held up a large bottle containing a purple liquid, "on them. Then lock the door and let the others find them."
"What's in the bottle?" asked Chrome.
"The most powerful aphrodisiac in the entire known universe and five alternate dimensions!" explained Jean proudly.
Meanwhile Apocalypse was brushing his best suit and wondering if she would be there. After all he had been fighting the X-Men all this time just to give him an excuse to see her. Wiping his dress shoes he sang "Pretty Women" hopelessly out of tune.
Magneto was relieved when Amelia Voght, Cargill, Unuscione and Scanner returned to him more than happy to have the chance to serve the master they were all in love with. They chatted happily to Chrome, Delgado, Spoor, Senyaka, Vindaloo, and Skids, both Kleinstock brothers and all the other mutant followers.
Then Magneto noticed that three of his followers were still missing including his lover.
"What is the matter my soon to be husband?" purred Jean Grey seductively. The clingy black dress she was wearing would have been considered quite indecent by Emma Frost and on her the effect was quite ghastly.
"I'm just wondering where Melloncamp, Cortez and Pookie, I mean Exodus have got to," replied Magneto when he had recovered from his nausea.
Jean went to kiss Magneto and the poor old man suffered a minor stroke and collapsed. Unuscione, Cargill, Scanner and Voght rushed over to help him recover and Spoor growled angrily at Jean, his shaggy brown fur bristled with rage.
"Leave our esteemed leader alone!"
Meanwhile Exodus was reliving his days as a knight with the help of Cortez and Melloncamp. They were playing "Dragon-Slayer", his favorite game. At present Exodus was "fighting" Melloncamp. This involved the handsome black-haired knight and the hideous reptilian mutant rolling about in a highly dubious fashion (Dark Beast would have loved it!). Meanwhile Cortez awaited the victor, tastefully dressed in pink nightgown and fishnet stockings.
"Ooh save me my darlings," he simpered seductively.
"Oh there you are Paris ducky, come darling it's time to go and fight the X-Men. Then we can play "Lancelot and Guinevere" with Spoor if you like," cajoled Magneto.
"Oh yes my master, lovely Charles will be yours. Pray grant me a boon though," said the knight.
"Name it darling," said Magneto.
"Let Jean Grey be my love slave," said the poor misguided Exodus.
"Well I really am ashamed of you brother. How could you even think about doing a thing like that? It is most despicable behavior!" roared Hank.
"Well maybe I shouldn't have sent security camera footage of Emma Frost and Rogue in the shower to the Jerry Springer show. However it has paid for all of our honey moons," said Dark Beast soothingly.
Meanwhile an all out war had broken out between all the prospective brides. Ororo was dragging Sabretooth off to her bedroom thinking he was Logan. Martinique grinned mischievously as she wondered what would happen when the illusion wore off. Little did she think that the real one was right behind her and feeling rather hacked off? Cracking his knuckles he stepped behind her, tapped her on the shoulder and said in his sweetest tone.
"I thought ya wanted ta be one of the good guys now. So why's my lover calling Creed, "Wolvie"?"
"Oh sh-"gulped Marti before his fist connected with her jaw and she dropped to the ground unconscious.
"Now fer yet another rescue of my darlin," growled Logan as he set off after Creed and Storm.